CLOSURE.
The biggie. The one we all strive, cry, yearn, wheedle and whine for.
Be it a long term relationship that went south or a Mr Unavailable that disappeared. We need it.
And sometimes, as strong as we may be (or think we are) we can’t always get that final nail in that coffin of a relationship without some kind of catalyst.
So, what happens when you are faced with the devil himself, the man that has tormented your thoughts for years? Does the very thought of running into him send your heart racing and your stomach flipflopping?
Of course it does, that’s natural. Completely normal and to be expected.
We don’t have control over what they might say or do, and that kills us.
We want apologies, we won’t get them.
We want regretful phrases to pour out of them; not bloody likely.
We want to see the pain and agony in their eyes; probably not gonna happen either.
We want their undying declaration of love…uh huh, movies ladies, only in movies.
So. How do you handle seeing your ex again? You know it will happen eventually. You will be minding your own business and bam, there he is.
Now you could get yourself all anxious, wound right up, or….
NOT.
Seriously.
This happened to me just a couple of days ago.
My ex bf, whom I haven’t seen in 2 years, after spending 5 yrs together.
After he knew and lived with my son and I.
After he was one of the people with which my son learned his first words with.
He was ‘the one’.
Very rocky relationship, plagued with drama and angst, and many many issues.
But, also a lot of love and kindness. And fun. And damn hot sex.
But the bad started to out weigh the fun. It got really bad.
It ended in a flaming ball of what can only be described as poo.
That was the last time I saw his face.
Right at the poo moment.
Broke my heart into a million little pieces.
All that love, wasted. All that angst, for naught.
All that hope, potential, lust – for nothing.
So, yes, when I heard that I might be seeing him due to work related stuff, I freaked right out. I was in quite a state. It carried through for days, affected a lot of things in my life, this panic of mine. Stupid panic. I let it get to me, and it was far from healthy.
So, imagine my surprise when I was told that indeed, Monday would be the day that I would see him.
Initially, I felt that panic start. My neck. Tight as a duck’s arse.
My head racing.
‘Will he ignore me?’
‘Should I ignore him?’
‘Should I yell?’
Many scenarios raced at lightening speed.
Then I stopped.
I took a deep breath. A big big big one.
I tried to think of a positive spin, because there was no way to avoid the situation. I knew more drama would make it worse, make the pain come back. It would re-open wounds that have taken 2 years of healing.
Mostly, I was afraid I was going to want him again. I was afraid of MY reaction, not his and what kind of inner turmoil it would cause.
All this over a guy that I had loved, still love, and always will. (doesn’t mean we should be together though, and trust me, I am a huge romantic)
He meant the world to me.
So, with that in mind, I decided…
It Would Be Nice To See Him.
Yup. You heard right.
I started to think about how first and foremost, I needed to be ok with this, and not worry about him and his feelings or reactions.
And, this is someone I cared about, not the enemy; I had to take away some of that power. He isn’t the enemy. He was just as freaked as I was I’m sure, worried about my reaction, what I would say or do. And I had to see him that way, as human.
So, when he walked in and smiled at me. I smiled back.
We chatted. My heart lurched a bit at hearing his voice, seeing that face, seeing all the things I had missed. But, it wasn’t all panicky, I was in CONTROL of myself.
And you know what? He wasn’t the enemy, he didn’t have any more power over me, and most importantly,
it took the anxiety out of the situation. Just that little positive spin in my head took out all the drama. The drama so many of us mistake for passion.
And you know what else? He offered to give me a lift home, which I accepted. And I remember, sitting there in the car thinking ‘Wow. This isn’t horrible. This isn’t tense. This is over.’ And I looked over at him a few times, and without that anxiety and drama, the love was still there, but the desperate need for his acceptance and love was gone. It had disappeared with it’s nasty little neurotic friends.
I am not going to lie to you, I have had a couple of emotional moments over the past few days since seeing him. It’s kind of a purge I think. All these years of trying to heal myself, trying to forget him. It was and is a release. Just as a healing wound can hurt and itch before it is gone.
Could I have done this on my own, even if I didn’t see him?
Yes, I believe I could, if I had only known what I am telling you now.
Take away the drama, take away the anxiety, take away the need to feel loved by someone it will never work with.
You will find all that’s left is the truth.
It’s over.
xoxo
Cheekie
Cheekie is a regular contributor to Baggage Reclaim. She’s a 30-ish single cheeky chick, just wandering her way through the dating forest and trying to leave as many bread crumbs as possible….
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I loved this post! It is amazing how rational we can be when we listen to ourselves. I broke up with my ex fiance more than 5 years ago and chased him for closure. Thankfully I saw sense after a few months because I could literally have died waiting. When we end up having to see each other, I felt very nervous and then suddenly a voice said ‘What the f have you got to be nervous about?’ I didn’t want him, he didn’t scare me, and what’s the worst that could happen? He’d ignore me? Unbloody likely because these guys are petrified of ‘looking bad’. So I took a deep breath and walked out to say hello and as I walked towards him I realised the drama and anxiety I had just experienced and also over the previous few months was of my own creation. I didn’t feel anything for him and actually, I suddenly felt very sorry for him. Closure is what you make it, much like drama. It’s yours to control and I’m proud of you for how you handled your ‘bidness’ 😉 xxx
Ps you put this post in draft you nutter so I found it totally by accident!
Trying to get closure has always obsessed me and is such a waste of time.
It’s still wanting things from HIM, still caring how HE thinks, and totally not about letting go and taking care of myself.
I hope that everything I am learning here I can put into practice when I meet someone new.
On the other hand, I’m going to focus on attracting a man who mirrors my own healthy self-esteem and I don’t have to worry about how to let go of him because he won’t be acting like an assclown 🙂
Yay for you, cheekie!
Sounds really positive.
How will I ever get to that point? Can you offer me advice.
Spent nearly 20 years with my ex. Spilt 2 years ago & remained friendly until he met a new partner and started acting arrogant, saying hurtful things, both of them announcing it all over facebook. EG ‘He says happier in first month of new relationship than whole time we were together’!!!
The odds on it are highly unlikely i know but its made me mad, and I want closure. To avoid my head literally exploding, together with my heart I have had no contact in 2 weeks. (First time in nearly 20years!)
I ended the relationship and it took him 2 years to get over it. I have a new partner. The house, career, whilst shes still living with parents, etc etc . All the balls seem to be in my court yet I cant cope without the closure. I gave that man nearly 20years of my life and hes treating her better in 1 month! ADVICE MY FELLOW RECLAIMERS?
Good for you, Cheekie. I might not have to see my EUM ever again since we now live in different states, but if I do, I hope I react just the way you did.
Tina – I’m so sorry, girl. First, here’s a big hug from me. I’ll let other more experienced people offer you solid advice, but just know that I (and others here) are rooting for you. Don’t let that assclown get the better of you! You know, he probably treats that new girl the SAME way he treated you. Or if he doesn’t, he will eventually. You should feel sorry for her.
Cheekie…You rock. Hard. I’m so proud of you! What a break through huh? Very empowering when you realize the power and the control over how you feel and react is completely within you!
Tina…leopards don’t change their spots overnight sweetie. Just because he’s saying it’s wonderful, doesn’t mean it is. Just because you think he’s treating her better, doesn’t mean he is. Concentrate on you. Make you happy. Love you. That’s the beginning. The rest will come. Good luck!
Amy and lisaq….. Thanks soooo much for your lovely kind words. My self esteem and confidence have been eroded by this bloke. Sometimes I cant think straight but you have both reminded me of the same fact – he will be the same with her as me. The dark cloud of depression sometimes stops me seeing sense and I forget who I am.
I was a loving caring partner, always put him first. I was the breadwinner, the housemaker and his social secretary. He wanted kids so I asked him to grow up, become more responsible. He said he couldnt so I started to put myself first. That finally led to our split!
Now he says he doesnt have to be responsible cos his new women is laid back and doesnt care if hes overdrawn at the bank etc (she lives with her parents in her 30s!!!!). He said we lived in eachothers pockets!!!! We were together for 20years, mortgage, marriage etc. What did he expect!?! Please tell me I’m not going mad. I feel so sensitive I’ve lost my ability to rationalise.
Thanks for the yay for me’s! It certainly did feel good and still does.
Of course you have to remember that it is still hard, it still hurts and I still love him.
But, the closure part is the real, final clarity of knowing, KNOWING, that there isn’t any hope/desire left for a relationship with this man.
My biggest accomplishment was letting go of my ego, my pride, and realizing that those two things were and are the biggest obstacle in letting go of someone.
Or something. Even if it never existed the way I wanted it to. So, it came down to expectations as well, and realizing that I wasn’t fair. To him or myself.
Pride has a funny way of getting in our way. Our ego’s hate to be wrong, they hate the even slight chance of being made a fool of. We cannot stand to think that someone is happier and better off without us, for whatever reason. Once you let go of that, and start to move past that you can see things truthfully and clearly.
Not everyone is meant to be together. You could be the most perfect person in the world, do everything for your partner, be everything – but it doesn’t matter.
And, such as Tina’s case , which I have been through myself btw, for 12 yrs and I broke up my marriage too – it was pride that caused any issues after he found someone else – even though I was with someone else too. I didn’t want him, but was hurt when someone else did. Weird, but the ego is a very weird thing…it can be ridiculously irrational at times.
All I need to remember is that I chose this path, and I chose to end it.
I cannot begrudge anyone else for doing the same.
I feel your pain, all of you, and wish you luck.. I am no expert, but I hope that my little story helped in some way…
Kudos to you Cheekie for surviving this. You are fortunate to have fair warning. In my two encounters with two ex-boyfriends, I did not have the benefit of forewarning. However,my dearly departed grandma taught me how to have grace under fire and to be gracious to those who have harmed you. A few years ago I bumped into my former EUM , in the hotel parking lot where I worked, a man who not only I drove 31/2 hours to Miami for twice month, but also lied habitually and cheated on me. We chatted, he apologized for how things went down five years ago. I was gracious enough to offer to meet with him for a drink the next time he was in town, even though he knew I worked at this hotel and had been in town several days without a word. Funny how God plays tricks on the deceitful. Any way we parted amicably and I was glad to close the book as well. The following year he phoned me on a weekend and left me a voice mail that he would be in town the following week and maybe we could meet for a drink. Unfortunately, I was out of town with limited cell service and couldn’t return his call and could only listen to my messages. He later called again and canceled by voice mail saying he would be too busy and would call me if he could make it. Thank you Lord, I whispered, I felt no need to return a call as he said he would call me. To this day I have not spoken to him since and that has been three years.
Now I see bumping into my ex clowns as no big deal, on another encounter with an ex from a disaster relationship, this guy laughed like an idiot the entire time I was speaking to a mutual friend standing next to him. He looked a like a fool, I guess he was so embarrassed and surprised to see me all he couldn’t speak all he could do is laugh and grin like a idiot. So girls keep your heads up, it all works in your favor. They know what they have done and you looking, feeling, and acting well is the best come back.
Wow, ladies, this is weird, but I did get closure with my EUM of 6 years. We met in a park, the same park where we decided to be together, and did a ritual to end the relationship with grace and completion. We also agreed on the terms of No Contact, minimum 1 year, unless with a doctor’s note that the EU and/or depression was treatable and in control. It was amazing, my heart is totally broken, but I don’t have any questions about what happened. Not all EUM’s are jerks with no integrity, some are just wounded or emotionally undeveloped. Compassion, but No Contact. Wish me well, ladies.
Hello everyone,
I just found this site a couple of days ago and have found it so helpful and healing to read that others have been through the same or similar things with men. I just found out that the guy that I’ve been having a long distance relationship with for 8 months has been carrying on a full other relationship in his city for nearly the entire time. I’m not sure where to turn and I’m embarrassed to talk about it too much as I feel like such a fool.
We had seen each other every month until just before xmas when he declared he needed some time to think and wanted us to postpone the visit until Jan. My instincts had been telling me that something was really off so I cut off contact for a few weeks. Not surprisingly, he was phoning, smsing, emailing and begging me to stay in contact and keep ‘us’ close. He played massive head/heart games with me, declaring love, that I was ‘the one’, he wasn’t happy without me, wanted me to come to his city to stay with him etc. I finally gave in and started up communication again. I began to notice little lies in his stories and things that didn’t make sense. He kept begging for me to come for a long weekend to visit, so I decided I would just 2 weeks ago. I promised myself that I would go to get the truth. I had kept my life on hold for this man and I knew something had to change. Even though I didn’t think I felt as vulnerable to him, that all changed from the first day I saw him again. He was romantic, loving, showering me with attention, talking about the future with ‘us’ and saying that things would be different this time. He just wasn’t sure before. Even though I was skeptical, my heart opened and fell for him again. He is very attractive, interesting and very active with sports. We had many similar future goals and dreams, which I think sucked me in early on (even though there were red flags).
I found nude shots in his camera of whom he told me was his ex girlfriend who was just a friend. He swore to my face that they were just, fun, flirtatious pics. I didn’t really believe him but I wanted to. The date on the photos was of a time when we were very much together. He lied and twisted stories and had a million excuses why it was that way. I ended up agreeing to stay for a few days after his begging and pleading mostly because I had just flown across the world to give him another chance. Long story short, I ended up finding romantic sms’ in his phone the night before I left. I knew in the morning that he knew I had found them. Instead of coming clean he just begged me to stay more days and wanted to plan out next visit in a couple of weeks time. I was very calm and asked him why he was pretending. I said i knew that he couldn’t just choose one woman. He denied everything and begged like a little boy for me to stay. I left. But I had sent an sms to the girl who sms’ were in his phone over the weekend, She responded and wanted to talk. We had a long conversation when I arrived back home. She and I were both devastated to find out that he had been carrying on ‘serious’ relationships with both of us. We exchanged emails that he had sent and sms’. The scary part is that his lies are pathological. He made so much effort to keep us both invested in him. He would go away with her and call, email and sms me horrific lies and do the same to her when he was with me. She called him and confronted him and he then wrote me a very cruel, angry email telling me how wonderful his relation was with her and how we never got on well anyway and that he was so f****d for losing her. Didn’t care about my finding out or my feelings and blames me for causing him to now lose her. He was ruthless and calculating. It was so shocking after we had just been making love all weekend and he was talking about our future together. He knows he lost me forever once I found out the truth, but then to be so cruel and heartless just to cut me afterwards? What kind of person does that? I’m very hurt and in a state of shock. I can’t believe he played me for such a fool and that I did not listen to my instincts from the beginning.
There were red flags for me such as him ogling other beautiful women on the street when we were first together (even while professing love, I was the one etc). He wanted to sleep with me the first night and was very sexual very quickly. He said he hadn’t had sex in 1.5 years due to a bad break up where his ex cheated on him. I found out from his present girlfriend that he had another girlfriend in his city when he met me, then broke it off with her. So many lies and such deception and games. He’s 41 this year, very scary.
I know this is too long, but I really need some advice. I would never contact him again even to give him a piece of my mind (even though i want to). I realise he is now fully focused on getting her back and doesn’t not care a toss about my feelings. It’s hard and i’ve realised that there has been a few of these EUM in my life and I’m finally realising that I NEED to change things. I don’t ever want to waste my time, life and beauty on another wanker like this. I’m blaming myself for not listening to the signs and having the strength to cut ties early on. How can I have loved someone who is so heartless?
Please help!
A New Day,
Unfortunately, you are now a part of a club that no one wants to be a member of, the good news is that you can prevent this from happening again by acting on the red flags.
This creep is such a complete a$$hole-just like mine. Yes, his behavior is incredible, it is even more incredible that he had the audacity to chew you out for outing him-God, I hope the other woman doesn’t go back .
I think some lessons we need to learn from our experiences are: listen to your gut, never make a man the center of your life, don’t expect him to change, and move on immediately if it doesn’t feel or look right.
I know it’s painful and you’re embarrassed but you will learn and grow from this ugly experience, as I did. The only thing you can regret is if you do not learn from this situation and allow yourself to be mistreated by another man. In time you will meet the appropriate partner and this clown will only be an unpleasant memory.
Stay strong!!
Hey New Day,
Ouch, that is hurtful and cruel indeed! Be thankful that you are out and not still investing in this man’s mean and evil ways. His blameshifting onto you for the logical consequences of his own behavior seems pretty typical for a man who engages in the deceptive playing of women, several women at once. You called his bluff and his true character was exposed. Kudo’s to you for doing that.
Now, what he does or thinks is not your concern, nor is the other woman’s situation with or without him. You did her a great favor and how she chooses to act on it is only her concern.
Gaynor is right, now it is your time to regroup and focus on yourself and get past this. Learn the lessons and move on.
I have a question, if you don’t mind. You said this was long distance, how did it begin? Frankly, for all you know, you two aren’t the only ones in his web of lies.
Take care of yourself. I wish the best for you. ts.
Thanks very much for the encouraging words Gaynor. It does help. I’ve just spent the weekend reading posts on the site and trying to get my head around things. I don’t want to obsess about this because I know he is certainly NOT thinking about me. Funny, I wanted to know the truth so badly so that I wouldn’t regret tossing him out of my life, but now that I know, it still hurts. He wrote me quite a heartless email basically justifying his actions because ‘he wasn’t sure’ and all he could say was sorry and I wish you well (after telling me about how perfect the other woman was). He’s diabolical really. He said he no longer wants anything to do with me because he realised that we are too volatile together. I look back and now that I know the dates of when he met this other woman, I had just then began to call him on his bad behaviour. He went out of his way to write me novels on how he was now aware of it and wanted the relationship to work etc. Meanwhile he was out starting another relationship! I think he’s one of the worst kinds of EUM’s because he puts so much energy into deceiving women and pretending that he’s sensitive, sincere etc. Well, I’m glad I finally know the truth but I realise that I must break this pattern. I really believe this was my epiphany relationship! I feel like I will fall for this kak ever again. At least I will be able to see it coming and I will listen to my instincts. My heart goes out to all ladies who have ever been through these things with a man.
Thanks ts for the empowering advice. Actually we met online originally, but then very soon after that organised to meet in person. I am seriously wondering if there are other women in his web of lies and who else he sleeps with. He is always taking weekend trips away (he skis, surfs). God only knows but I know I am presently worried about the health risks he has exposed me to. He’s not a guy who uses protection and after me making it clear to him a week ago when we were together again that I wanted to be sure, he just lied to my face for days and swore he hadn’t been with anyone else! It’s crazy unbelievable…..
Has anyone else had this experience? What can I do?
New Day,
I think many here have been where you are now. I know I have been.
First, get yourself tested. Sorry to be so blunt, but, it is a real health issue if you slept with him with no protection. And I’m NOT talking just emotionally here. You have discovered this man to be a liar and a cheat. Calm yourself with the knowledge that you have not gotten some disease from him, other than emotionally. Then, you can move on and forget him as fast as you can.
Sorry board to express my opinion here so boldly, but, I just don’t get this online relationship stuff. It just does not seem natural to me and I personally think it is populated by men just such as this one that New Day had to suffer through.
Just my own skewed opinion I guess.
New Day, you sound cool, strong, and real. Keep going. ts.
A New Day,
You’re absolutely right! He is one of the worst type of EUMS’s out there, this man sounds like one of the most selfish, heartless, narcissistic men I have read about. I think the most painful thing is when they are telling us they love us and are planning a future, when it’s actually all a lie. I wish I knew why they had to take it to that level? It’s sadistic!!!
It’s so good you’re out. Keep posting
New Day,
Protection is everyone’s responsibility. This is a perfect example of why it should always be used. With Everyone!
New Day–
Did the woman you spoke to ever confirm that the nude photos were of her? What kind of job did he have? Did it take him to your City? I personally think this guy is married, and is angry b/c you upset the balance of his “2-women-on-the-side” deal. Think about it: if he is single, and has the “looking good on paper” qualities you say he possesses, and can charm/talk his way out of things the way he has been, it should be no problem for him to find other replacement women.
Good for you, telling the other woman! She may take him back at a later time, though, you know. (But I doubt it, given his anger.) Don’t let that get to you, b/c you did the right thing! This guys has absolutely NO respect for women. I hope that, when he finally has kids, he has 5 daughters! 🙂
I have a question for everyone: I asked him to get an hiv test and put it in the post last week. In his final ‘cruel’ email he said he would. I don’t know whether to follow up and ask for it again (if that is breaking no contact for me even though i’m quite sure I’ll never hear from him again)? If I persist he might feel guilty enough to at least send me that so I can have peace of mind. However, if he’s as terrible as I think he is, he might just have said that at the time to make himself feel better while having no intentions of actually doing it. He may never respond if I send the email. What should I do? Thanks again…
A New Day,
You need to get the HIV/STD test. The Rapid HIV cannot give you an accurate result until 90 days following the last sexual encounter.
What’s to say he will not lie to you about getting the test. It is your responsibility to get the test for yourself . I hope that you are not using this as an excuse for contact. I hope you don’t contact, all it will bring is regret.
A New Day,
One more thing.
This creep has lied to you about everything. Why would you put your life in his hands???
Hi Gaynor,
Thanks very much for your response. I know it was sooooo foolish of me to put my life in his hands, but when I asked him face to face if he had any other partners in between (before we slept together), he adamantly denied that he had. He said ‘ i treasure you and would never put you at risk etc’. I was in love with him and wanted to believe him. I didn’t have proof of the other woman until the last day when i left. I feel like such an idiot and it seems I can only wait out the 3 months and then get tested. Uffff…
A New Day,
We’ve all been there.
I think the thing that hurts most is that we were deceived by someone who proclaimed to love us but in the end only used us and treated us like fools. With time you will only feel indifference for this guy, and be very thankful he is no longer in your life.
Mine was also a big lier and most likely had something going on on the side but you know what his behavior has forced me to review some of my previous dating choices. I also had the “epiphany” moment. So, I am thankful that this individual has shown me what I need and deserve in a normal loving relationship, I am truly ready to accept someone into my life.