I think we’d all like to say that every guy we’ve ever slept with was an amazing lover, but the likelihood is that if you’ve slept with a few people, there’s been at least one bad lover. However, remember that being a ‘bad’ lover is a subjective thing. For instance, I would hate to be shagged by someone who was like a jackrabbit but some people get off on that sort of thing (poor women â€“ their chiropractor bills must be sky high) and people often forget that it takes two to tango. You can’t lie there like a sack of potatoes, expect him to do all of the work, not communicate if you dislike something he’s doing, and then label him a sh*t lover!
But once you’ve established that two indeed did tango, sometimes there is no escaping the fact that you’d rather watch paint dry than have to put yourself through that experience again. But what to do next depends on whether he’s a newbie (you’re dating) or if he’s your boyfriend. Although why you’re going out with someone who you think is rubbish in bed is beyond me.
He’s a new lover
Sometimes it can be difficult to judge off one encounter, although in some cases it’s all that you need.
Was he drunk, high (oh dear), awake (joke!), or distracted and upset? If you want to increase your chances of getting a decent seeing-to, I suggest that you optimise the situation. Some men don’t have their performance hindered by the effects of alcohol and drugs, whereas others flop out. Likewise, it’s not a good idea to be starting off a sexual relationship by shagging them when they’re down (not literally). Just like when I tell you that you can’t shag someone into liking you, you can’t necessarily shag them out of a distraction or upset, and why would you want to anyway? If any of these factors played a part, you will need to decide if you think it’s worth another shot, or whether this is a sign to quit whilst you’re ahead.
Was it too soon? It’s likely that if you don’t know each other particularly well and haven’t started building a true connection, no matter how much you may lust after his six pack or think he’s charming, he or both of you may find that when naked, you’re not ready to gel. Not every man is hardwired to screw you in a heartbeat. Some men are more emotional than the hump you and dump you and regular shagger sorts! Have a few more dates if you think that you like him, but keep your legs closed for a while longer and see if you get closer before you jump his bones again.
If you weren’t enjoying it, did you stay mute? So he was pumping you like he was in a horse race or scratching at your kidneys or uterus, but did you actually say anything? Even if you’re not the most vocal in bed, did you try to show him, say by pointing him in a different direction, wincing, or literally changing position? Some of his previous partners may have liked being ridden like their in the Grand National or like you they didn’t say anything, so with that typical male ego, he assumes that everybody likes his techniques. If you didn’t play your part, it may be worth trying again and this time speak up!
Are you saying he’s a bad lover because you didn’t have an orgasm? Jaysus, lucky you if you come every time you have sex. No wonder you have high expectations! You can actually have good sex without having an orgasm every time.
If he’s your boyfriend
Sex is not the be all and end all of a relationship, but it is important. I can only assume that if you continue to be his girlfriend, that he clearly has lot’s of other qualities that are keeping you there. However if you’re reading this, something suggests that you want the sex to improve!
Are the foundations of your relationship solid? If you have rocky foundations, there are insecurities and issues at play, or anything that proves to put a dent into the potential of your relationship, you have more than whether he’s bad in bed to worry about!
Have you let him think he’s great in bed? I’m all for encouragement and managing ego’s, but there is such a thing as constructive encouragement and then taking the piss and creating your own demise. Why would you continue to tell someone they’re great at something when they’re not, and then wonder what to do about the fact that they’re bad at it?! You have made the task of trying to improve this situation harder because you have to undo your own lies and somehow put him into reverse. I suggest that rather than admit that you’ve been telling porkies, start introducing new things to try out in the bedroom with the excuse of spicing things up.??Could you show him how to turn you on? If you can’t show/tell him what turns you on, then how do you expect him to find out? Right now it’s by trial and error and if you’ve been keeping quiet then he’ll be assuming that you’re fine with it. Do you expect him to find out by osmosis? You’re not going to get him to excite you unless you can establish what it is that does work. If you don’t know, this opens up a good opportunity for you both to experiment and learn from new sexual experiences together.
Have you considered the fact that he may think you’re bad in bed? Yeah, unlikely that you’ve thought this, but unless you’re with one those egotistical guys that thinks that waving his willy in any woman’s direction will induce an orgasm, he may not be enjoying the sex either! This means neither of you are communicating your needs, and if you want any relationship to succeed, you need to find a way to communicate what you need, feel, and desire.
Whatever stage you’re at, you need to decide if you want to put in the time and energy required to improve the situation, and only you can decide this. Good luck!