In almost two years of blogging I learnt a lot about myself, dating and relationships, but the past two months with my boyfriend (yay) has been an eye-opener. I am in a bonafide, committed relationship and it is amazing. There is no ambiguity, I know where I stand, he calls me, I call him, we both make an effort, we both want it to work and there’s no BS and playing games. There’s no undercurrent of anxiety and there’s zero drama. I’ve also realised that if anyone had the power to balls things up, it was me.
We are our own biggest danger when it comes to relationships!
I don’t profess to have all of the answers based on two months with him, but between blogging, and mine and other people’s experiences, there are a number of things that you need to know so that you can keep on the straight and narrow.
Leave behind the drama from the previous relationships. Have the skill to be able to use your experience and powers of observation to gauge your relationship. Judge based on THEIR actions, not a chump ex. Don’t project your insecurity about yourself or your past experiences on him. If you fail to follow this rule, it will be you that cocks things up, NOT him!
You’re either in a relationship, or you aren’t. You can’t have one foot in with your eye on the door, no more than you can be in the relationship, but he’s absent without leave. Relationships are a two way street and once you both decide you like each other from the dates, you need to communicate that to each other.
Guys that like you SAY they like you and ACT like they like you. You don’t need to guess because they’re damn well telling you so that they don’t lose you. As women, we have a habit of looking for the sun in the storm and finding minuscule things to justify our energy that we have expended with him.
Don’t sleep with a guy too quickly no matter how much of a connection you think you have. If it’s that great, it’ll be there in a few dates, weeks or whatever timescale.
If a guy is putting the focus on trying to get in your knickers, he’s got his priorities off and this may be an indicator of the temperature of your future relationship. Getting to know YOU doesn’t involve him looking at your vagina! A guy that genuinely likes you will be secure enough in himself and what he thinks may be the potential of you both, to keep his zip up and his todger in his pants so that you can get to know each other better. Sex is better anyway when there is a stronger emotional connection, which can only occur if you put the sex aside.
If you have sex too early, women have a habit of taking up residence in the justifying zone, that dubious place we go to, to make ourselves feel better and create multiple reasons to justify sleeping with him.
A Quick Guide to the First 3 Months
- You should be speaking every day or most days.
- The bulk of the communication should be face to face or on the phone. Text messages, email, Post-It’s, Messenger are gap fillers not staples.
- You should be able to see each other more than once a week.
- You’ve seen his place and he’s seen yours.
- You’re exclusive and it’s not because you’ve decided it on your own, but because you have both said so.
- No girlfriends, very visible exes, wives, booty call girls allowed. If he still has any of these, tell him to bog off.
- You talk about the future whether it’s one week, one month or even one year away. If he’s too afraid to say something about the following week, it’s not good.
- You don’t just see each other for a shag.
- You should have met at least one his friends.
- He’s not afraid to invite you anywhere.
- You should have seen him during the day.
Your brain should be screaming red flag and potentially ‘Run like a mofo!’ if he displays anger and aggression, he’s emotionally unavailable, got a dodgy attitude towards sex, he’s irresponsible, addicted to something, he’s controlling, plays the victim, he’s not over an ex, he has problems with his past or his childhood that he refuses to acknowledge or attempt to resolve, or he’s just plain nasty and spiteful. Acknowledge red flags and don’t bury your head in the sand. It’s when you don’t acknowledge them when they’re at their most dangerous.