Should You Confront The Other Woman?
April 13, 2007 by NML
I was emailed recently by a reader who wanted to know if she should confront The Other Woman after discovering that her husband had been cheating.
“NML, I feel like my entire life has been shattered. I want to speak to this woman. I want to know why she thinks it’s OK to screw someone else’s husband! Does she have no respect for marriage? I want her to explain herself!”
If you have discovered that your partner or husband is cheating on you, it is devastating, even if you had your suspicions. As you reel from the discovery and no doubt the ensuing revelations, it can be difficult to know whether you should be mad at him, The Other Woman, or both.
If you’ve been cheated on, he has willfully done it. He is not a child lacking control of himself and I doubt that anybody held a gun to his head and told him to take his penis out. The easy option when a man is caught out cheating is for him to blame the other woman, avoid responsibility, and seem like he has been led by a temptress. I don’t doubt that things about her were very tempting but to believe that it’s all down to her charms absolves him of any responsibility and if he has none, what is to stop him from doing it again? He is making himself sound like a spineless, gormless, idiotic, irresponsible twit with no control over himself. The longer he has systematically lied to you and kept up his cheating façade is the more he has deceived you, the more comfortable he was with it, and the bigger a chance he took. He has been having his cake and eating it.
It’s him you’re married/committed to, hence he is the person that owes you the biggest explanation and the only person that can commit to resolving the situation should you decide to keep his cheating ass.
The Other Woman thinks that it’s OK to ‘screw someone else’s husband’ because she believes in the promise of whatever he has offered. It’s not even that she thinks that what she’s doing is ‘OK’ per se, it’s just that time has allowed her to rationalize the situation, his actions, and her actions. Whilst there are women out there that make it their life’s pursuit to be with attached men, I think most of the women allow themselves to believe the hype as it suits their own esteem values.
However, whilst I can appreciate that people get sucked into situations, the reality is that if a woman is sleeping with someone else’s husband, at that time, she is not respecting marriage. It may not be that she has no respect for marriage itself, as she may want a wedding herself, but she doesn’t have any respect for YOUR marriage.
But is there ever a time to confront The Other Woman?
If the other woman is someone you know, or heaven forbid, related to you, then of course you should confront them. It’s not because he is any less responsible but because she has broken and abused your trust. Whilst the temptation is to get medieval on her ass, try to avoid doing anything illegal or anything that diminishes your dignity. She really just isn’t worth it.
And if you don’t know her? I don’t think that there is much to be achieved by confronting her as you are 1) going on hearsay from him, 2) she has her own version of events that she wants to believe in and 3) you are likely to look like the woman that doesn’t want to acknowledge the wrong that her partner/husband has done so you’re blaming her instead.
The Other Woman has failed to regard you as a human being with flaws and feelings, just like her, and she does this because this is her coping mechanism that distances herself from the reality of his situation.
The only reason why you should confront The Other Woman (other than in the situation where you know her personally) is if you actually give a damn what she thinks, and, confronting her gives her far more power than she deserves or needs. She hasn’t abused your trust – she’s just been screwing your man…
At this point you either need to focus on deciding if you relationship is worth saving or how best to turf his arse out. There is no benefit to having a ‘showdown’ because you will only feel good and righteous temporarily, and ultimately, are either one of them worth it?
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This is excellent advice NML> Dealing with the Other Woman is pointless and a waste of time, it doesn’t give you any validation or fix the situation. You should use your energies on dealing with your husband…he’s the one that broke his committment to you. She’s just a random ho.
Wow, this is perfect. I am going through this exact situation with my wife and she is really angry that I want to confront her other man, but this makes me feel more justified. He is also my friend, and they both broke my trust when I let them be together, e-mail, talk on the phone, etc. and all the time they’ve been going behind my back. i will stick to my decision now and talk to him about their affair.
I think.. its worth it to confront the other woman in a tactful mature calm approach. Here is why… I personally think and have heard… that many times… the cheater lies to the woman and she has no idea the man is married or in a long term relationship. Therefore.. to let her know… and also.. to confirm the facts so .. that you can verify this information first hand , before confronting and dealing with the cheater, would benifit you.
Here is a sure fire way to pass along… to those who want to catch cheaters… when all of us loyal people been sitting on the side lines, unable to prove it. http://www.reversephonedetectives.com
Here is a sure fire way to pass along… to those who want to catch cheaters… prove it. http://www.reversephonedetectives.com
I think there is something that can be gained by talking to the OW. This is a woman your H felt the need to spend some time with, and you can learn about him by meeting her, just like you do by meeting his friends and family. Yes, you might look like you are blaming her and not your H, but who cares how things look? And if you don’t want to look like that, then don’t blame anyone. Call her for information… call her to verify the info your H gave you, and remember that the truth lies somewhere in between both versions. The main thing to concentrate on tho is not hurting yourself more than you already are. Be careful what you ask her as the answer might sting badly, and be fair if you can’t be kind becuase your dignity is already feeling compromised.
I spoke to the OW, to 2 of them anyway, and one of them became someone I actually liked bumping in to. We often would hug. She got sick a year or so ago, and I felt so awful. I saw her the way my H saw her, as this fun loving light hearted person who I don’t think really realized the pain the affair could cause.
The other OW in his life, when he died, she and I talked and talked and talked at great lengths, daily. We both loved him, you see, even if he was different with her than he was with me, it was in some ways so comforting to have her there. We both felt widowed.
Otter
Otterwoman, I felt very touched by these words and it shows a totally other side of the situation. You were widowed even if there was someone else - you lost someone you loved and you were grieving - this transcends any relationship status. Your advice is very on point - you have to balance talking with her with sensitivity. Thanks for your comment.
I was the other woman and have been feeling terrible about it. It’s a complicated and messy story: They split (not because of me). She doesn’t know about it. That was over a year ago. He cheated on her one other time as well. I fell for his charms and was lonely (not an excuse). I met her but avoided becoming friends with her even though she is an great person. I tried to end it several times because I knew what was happening was wrong. He’d back off for awhile but then charm and manipulate his way back. After they split, I continued to see him for a year but suspected there were others (he denied it). Finally I met one of the women he was seeing but had lied about and we discovered he had been lying to both of us for a year. He is a chronic cheater, liar and was emotionally abusive to all of us. We are all smart, accomplished women who fell for him.
Back to the beginning: When I was the other woman, I knew his girlfriend casually but not as a friend. In the past few months I’ve run into her several times and now she has started emailing me. She invited me to a party at her house. She clearly doesn’t know that I dated him after they split and certainly doesn’t know that he cheated on her with me. I think she’s wonderful and am haunted daily by guilt for what happened. I don’t know what to do. Do I come clean and tell her? She will be devastated but maybe would want to know the truth about him? They are still in contact as friends. Do I just avoid her as much as possible and keep it a secret so she is not hurt more? I don’t want to unload my guilt on her but a friend of mine thinks she deserves to know and then can do with the information what she wants. She will cut contact with him when she realizes what he is really all about and will likely never forgive me. My loss will be the potential friendship I could have had with her if I hadn’t cheated with him ,and my reputation will be damaged when some of our mutual friends find out, but at this point I just want to do whatever is the right thing. Do I tell her or not?