How long should it take for a man to call after a first date?
August 22, 2006 by NML
I’m not keen on ‘rules’ but I am wise enough to know that there is a lot of confusion between the sexes about when is the most appropriate time to call.
If a man calls the following day or even the same night of a date, some women disregard him as being too eager and too nice.
From the moment that the date ends until he finally calls, a lot of women spend the time burning up brain power trying to figure out if and when he’s going to call.
If he calls 3 days later, some women will be pleased but will also wonder how interested he really is in her.
A lot of guys have talked amongst themselves and some of their friends say to leave it for a week, some say 3 days, some say 5 days, some say don’t bother…
A lot of women don’t make the call themselves as they think the guy is supposed to make the first post date call and they don’t want to upset the dynamics.
This is just a sample of what we think about telephone etiquette but it gives some insight into how easily it is to be wrong footed.
My advice: Judge the appropriate time to call based on the date. Very good first dates with open dialogue and communication mean that there probably isn’t a problem making contact the day after the date. Where the sparks didn’t fly but the interest has been peaked and you want to see if a second date will enhance things, 3 days is fine. What I do recommend that will make life so much easier…is just agree when the call should be made and stick to it. It saves all of the confusion, uncertainty and burning up of brain power.
If a guy really likes you and thinks that you like him, he’ll probably call within a day or two, he’ll probably tell you that he’s going to call you and when, and he’ll very likely stick to it.
If a guy is moderately interested, he’ll call within a few days 3-5. (If he tells you up front that it will take this long for him to call, he’s interested)
When you originally had the date has a lot to do with it. Work, heavy weekends, travelling for work, and other social commitments can distract a guy and eat into his week. Men are habitually sh*t at multi-tasking so it’s no surprise that they struggle to think about several things at once. It’s amazing how someone can run a department, close big deals…and struggle to flex his dialling finger, however, and this is a big however, if a guy really is interested after a first date, he will call and he will call in a timely manner. End of. This means that even if it’s just for 3 minutes, the time it takes for some men to have sex with their women, he will get on the phone because he should want to let her know that he’s interested. He should want to avoid her thinking that he’s not interested because she may actually move on. Dating is a fast paced world these days! You snooze, you lose!
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What is this — back to Daddy setting three heroic deeds before selling off the daughter?
‘agree when the call should be made’ .. Really, if you discuss the call, schedule the call — there is no more reason to make a call. When was the last time you received a ‘bread and butter’ thank you note? Or wrote one? We are playing social and etiquette games here, rather than communicating.
By all means, call after a date. If you enjoyed the time together, say so. Preferably say the same thing you said at the end of the date, as long as you were telling the truth back then. And make another date. A ’second helping’ has always been the socially correct way to express approval.
If you didn’t enjoy yourself, think it over *one* day, call and say thanks but no thanks. Remember, your date gave up time to be with you, whatever the financial or other transactions. Thanks are due. And if there isn’t any interest, politely state that. As Forrest Gump taught us, ’stuff happens’. The date partner may look different in a year or two — or might find someone to connect you with, if you are straight and respectful.
Unless you are careful, these elaborate things you expect your date to know will become a relationship without respect — because *he* won’t know what he did wrong, and *you* will be convinced he is deliberately shunning you, disrespecting you, cheating on you, leaving you, and taking advantage of you. Because you are living in a one-sided conversation with yourself, instead of communicating.
Don’t be shallow, or a ‘Cosmo’ girl — be honest. Call when you have something to say.
Calling after a date is clearly a complex affair. The message that I am trying to send here is that if you’re interested call, if you’re not interested say it straight out at the end of the date or call and say you aren’t. It’s karma and it’s respect. I don’t think it is a remotely elaborate thing for someone to know these things about calling. It’s basic. And if the woman reads the signs, she can save herself energy and move on, or enjoy the start of a new relationship.
I agree with NML - a phone call one way or another, within a reasonable amount of time is simple respect. And just by the way, Brad - *I* still write thank you notes…
Okie………
Here’s the scenario.
First date last night. Hung out at a cool local dive bar. Hung out for a few hours over cocktails and had great conversation. I walked her to her car and got “the cheek” when I went for the good night kiss. However, I turned her head gently and kissed her on the lips for a little while. She didn’t resist and assume she enjoyed it as much as I did.
I emailed her today (the day after the date) and told her that I really enjoyed last night.
Is an email bad? Is an email almost the same as “the phone call”? Should I call her anyway? When should I call her?
Comments??
Just-Me-Jen - You tell ‘em!
Inkedweezel - Emails aren’t the same as phonecalls but it is a positive sign of interest. Emails are however the type of communication that people spend a lot of time trying to read between the lines and see things that may or may not exist. But in the overall sense it’s good! I suggest giving her a call the day after the email. If you continue dating her, always make sure that telephone or face to face outweighs emails and texts as these are often misconstrued. Good luck!
If I had a good time on a date and I want to see him again, I tell him when we say good bye. I like to get a call the next day or two. Email is ok but follow up call to reserve me is required or I move on. When I get just emails and texts, I don’t think he is that into me and maybe just stringing me along while he checks out his other options.
Hi,
I had a great date last night, we met for the first time, and hit it off real well. There were plans made of what we could do during the week and so on. The night ended and I texted her while on my way home that we had a great time and she responded. I called her this evening, and she said she would call back, and she hasent so far……Something wrong ? Should i wait till she calls ? How long ?
Hi Nick. It is difficult to say if something is wrong. It depends on whether she gave a specific time to call back and whether you sensed if she was genuinely blowing you off. However, that said, I would not call her back yet and see if she calls. Sit on your hands if neccessary. She could very well have been genuinely busy so I wouldn’t panic. The main thing is that you’ve initiated contact and I would play the waiting game.
What to do if you don’t hear back from her? Well if you haven’t heard back from her after a day or two, you can either chalk it up to her not being interested and move on or you can call her. If you do call her, don’t show tension and instead start by saying that you felt you should call her back as you had become concerned after she didn’t call you back after saying she would. Ask her if everything is OK. This her get out option. She either comes clean and says she’s not interested or she’ll apologise and explain why she hasn’t returned your call yet. Whatever you do - don’t be agressive and don’t be confrontational.
I suggest waiting a day or two before you decide whether to call. Good luck
so, i just went on a first date with a girl i actually met on a dating site. it was my first “date” using the site, and it was probably one of the best first dates i’ve ever been on. we went to a hockey game and then went to get drinks after and had great conversation and some good laughs. i was pretty intimidated because she seems too good to be true. so when we called it a night, i walked her back to her car and gave her a hug and called it a night.
so i’m VERY interested, and don’t exactly know when would be the best time for me to call. we both had a great time, but now i’m losing my mind wondering if she wants to see me again. the date was last night and now its the next morning. when do i call?????? i really want to call today, but i want to be more calculated and do the right thing and call when it’s appropriate. but when is that?
It is appropriate based on the date. If you both had a really good time, there should be nothing wrong with calling her this evening. My word of caution is that if you have projected that you are intimidated, she may not know what to make of the date. I don’t see anything wrong with calling her tonight as it’s your opportunity to show your interest and to move things forward. Don’t continue to be intimidated as it’s not nice for the person on the receiving end. Good luck!
I have a question … I went on 2 dates and both went really well … I got a text msg the day after our date and I texted him and got a reply later in the week … but we had no plans to hang out again and he hasn’t called … should I call or just assume it is a no go and move on???
Ooh, that is a toughie lukcb8. It’s always difficult not knowing the ins and outs of the date to be definitive…however…this guy sounds a bit vague… If you’ve been on two dates it stands to reason to assume that this guy was interested enough to go to a second but he isn’t making much of an effort now. My gut is for you not to call and get on with your life.
i went home with a guy i met through mutual friends and never expected to see him again after that night - but the next morning we really hit it off, spent the whole day together, went out again the next night and have been in touch every day since…until today. nada. he’s not long out of a serious relationship and i’m trying to make sure he doesn’t feel crowded, but how long do i wait to hear from him before i give up? or is a day or two of silence no big deal at this stage?
Hi TNB. Sorry for the slow reply. It sounds like he is running hot and cold which isn’t a good sign. If something terrible has happened to distract him it is one thing, but even then, it’s not the hardest thing to pick up the telephone. He is allowing you to think that something is wrong. He sounds like he is quick out the gate and very into the chase. If more than a couple of days passed, I would consider it a big deal and it’s because he has changed tack. It’s a bit late to play the silence card after doing the opposite initially.
i met a guy 3 nights ago, at a friends gathering. we really hit it off first guy ive liked in ages. he got my number but didnt say when he would call, last night i recieved a text message from him, but it wasnt for me, saying something about work- so i knew it definately wasnt for me! I wrote back who is this( not knowing the number was his at the time but found out it was him). but he never replied. Am i being silly waiting around for his call?
Hi Christy, I wouldn’t wait for his call. It can be difficult to gauge what is taking place in this situation but I don’t advise waiting around for any man’s call when you’ve only just met him. It allows you to build castles in the sky before you really know anything about him. I feel a bit dubious about this guy as he texts you by ‘accident’ and then doesn’t reply when you ask who it is. Yes he could be embarrassed but if he hasn’t called by now, I’d chalk it up to ‘Yet another experience’ and move on. I definitely don’t think you should waste another drop of thought on him.
I recently went on my first date, four days ago. I thought we hit it off pretty well, or at least that was my impression. He spoke of coming to see me, about taking me to the movies, and of coarse we had a semi-make out session. (I knew this guy from years back.) On my way back to my car he tells me he is going to call me “a lot” I have yet to hear from him. I text him two days later to thank him, but I have yet to hear from him. What should I do?
hi there
i need some advise and i was wondering if you could help?
Recently my best friend told her brother that i was single and if he knew anyone who was single aswell, and he said he wanted to get to know me and take me out some time, so we both exchanged numbers and we spoke a couple of times but when we planned to meet up something always came up from his end.
So i didnt hear from him for a while but when my best mate asked him about this, he said that something always comes up but he is interested and would like to meet up.
Any way to cut along story short, last weekend i was invited to my best mate’s sister house as it was her little nephew’s birthday so guess who turned up? him!We started talking and he apologised for not calling saying it was always the wrong timing and he is keen, he asked me out for adrink and ended up in his flat. We had a really good time and talked for hours and he was a complete gentleman. By the end of the night he dropped me home. The next day he called me but to ask if i had spoken to my best mate as she was wondering if i was okay, he also asked if i got home okay, then i told him to call me later when he was free but he didnt call. I texted the day before yesterday giving him my work email as he asked for it on the date by he hasnt replied. I also called him yesterday to say hello but he didnt answer his phone. So today is the third day since i last spoke to him.
so what should i do? Is he interested or not? or should i just move on….as he is giving me mixed signals.
i would be really grateful if you could reply back to me soon.
thanks
Dawn - I would be wary of this guy. He sounds like all talk and no action and unless some dire emergency has come up, he has already failed to deliver on his words and you’re only 4 days in. Nobody has so little time that they can’t even reply to a text. I would get on with your life and not worry about whether or not he’s going to call, as he doesn’t sound like he’s worth it. The fact that you’ve known each other for a long time makes it worse.
Citygirl - This guy sounds really fishy. I don’t know if it’s because you know his sister why he thinks he can get away with it, but this guy is blowing hot and cold. Whilst you shouldn’t expect him to drop his whole life for you, but he is another guy who doesn’t deliver on his words. It sounds like you’re doing most of the work and he doesn’t sound worth it. Him wanting to get to know you is not the same as being interested in forging a relationship. Rather than complicate your friendship with his sister, I would date guys that aren’t related to her. By him saying that ’something always comes up’ it screams of a guy who is emotionally unavailable and not looking for a relationship. He can’t even commit to calling you! Always remember - guys who give mixed signals are not worth the headache and they signal trouble. I don’t think he’s interested, at least not enough to warrant you expending any energy on him. Sorry!
hi,
my friend’s brother saw me one day and showed some interest and my friend is really interested in hooking us up together. this guy asked her to tell me that he’d love me to have his number. she did gave me his number and i called and left him a voice mail approx. 2 weeks ago and he told my friend that he’ll call me back but he never did as of yet. first, he said that my number didn’t appear and as soon as my friend text him my number he’ll call he even set the exact day that he’ll call but i haven’t heard from him. whenever my friend brings up the subject or a message from him i play cool and neutral showing that i’m not waiting for his call. if he calls fine if not then it’s his loss. but what should i do? should i call him/text him, ask my friend how come he never called me back yet or don’t even bother and move on??
thanks
While it’s a noble effort to create a conversation about this and to offer advice, I’m afraid there is no true science to this. I read the entire thread, and I’m sorry to say that most of the people who have posted here, myself included, are pretty much in the same boat. We’re screwed. My situation isn’t much different. Five days ago I went on a really wonderful date with a woman I met online. The date lasted six hours, we ate, we laughed, we drank, we held hands, we walked, we made out, and we embraced. It ended with her telling me that she’s busy during the day but we could always meet up in the evenings. She reminded me that I have her phone number and her email addresses and that I should use them. I let the next day after the date pass completely, and contacted her the second day after the date in the late afternoon. I left her a nice voicemail and sent her a quick and simple email within the space of twenty minutes. Three days have now passed since I tried to make contact, and she’s vanished.
Help! I went out on a great first date on Tuesday night, I thought we had a good time but there was no conversation about a second date. We had a lot in common and he seemd interested.
It has been three days - should I assume he is not going to call or should I call him?
Note: We are both 50 and have both been divorced for years, with neither of us dating anyone in over 3 years.
Thanks for any advice.
Hi Patrice. This is a difficult one. The lack of mentioning of a second date suggests that either he wasn’t as interested as you thought he was or he’s keeping his cards very close to his chest and planning to roll out a big surprise…
Personally, I would leave it to him to call me but admittedly this is a grey area one. If you call him, you have to be prepared for a possibly negative reaction but there is also a possibility that he may be a tad shy and inept after three years of not dating.
The trouble with first dates (or any dates for that matter) is that there is our perception of things, his, and the reality. Unless you can look back objectively and access the date, you don’t really know whether you did or didn’t get on until he confirms that.
You have two choices here. Leave it to him to call. However only do this if you can get on with your life in the meantime and not obsess over it. Or you can be in control of things, call him, and find out what the score is. Don’t be intense, don’t be full on, and be prepared for the possibility of him not being interested. And if he doesn’t want to pursue it, chalk it up to experience and move on.
Always remember as well that your response must be proportionate to the amount of time around each other. Hence if things don’t move forward, remind yourself that it was one date and don’t spend any length of time dwelling on it.
I had a first date with this guy on Tuesday and had a great time. We chatted over drinks for four hours. I had an email in my inbox by the time I got home with him saying he had a great time, hoped I got home ok, but no asking for a second date. I replied the next day with an equally short email expressing how I had a great time too. He emailed back, I emailed back, he emailed back…so now it’s Friday and he hasn’t called. What in the heck does this mean? …this is confusing.
lucky4elle - pick up the phone otherwise this is in danger of slipping into a weird email thing, a habit often perpetuated by emotionally unavailable men that want to keep you at a distance. The other option is to ensure that there is a point of action with your email that puts him in the position of having to respond back with a new arrangement to meet up or a time to call. I have no idea what you guys are emailing back and forth about but someone needs to ‘take action’. You are in mixed signals territory and be careful of setting the tone - your short reply may have been perceived as abrupt and closed. But more importantly, now is the time to make a change to what has been happening - It can be as simple as ‘We should stop emailing like this - when is a good time to call?’ or suggest doing something. Otherwise, I can’t really see the point of these emails and they are open to tone and misinterpretation.
Went on a first date with a guy I met online. It went well and next thing we knew a dinner date turned into chatting until 12 in the morning at the restaurant. It ended with a passionate but PG rated kiss. The next day he sent me an email asking how my day was and saying he’d had a great time. I responded that I, too, had a great time and jotted a quick sentence about my classes that day. It’s now been 5 days since the date and 4 since he emailed. I haven’t heard a peep. Do you think Easter weekend could have slowed the process and I should give it a bit longer or should I just chalk it up to “he’s just not that into me”?
This is a tricky one… I’m going to err on the side of caution and say that Easter could very possibly have impacted. Obviously if you don’t hear from him by the end of this week, then it’s more than Easter and for whatever reason, he’s not interested. Out of curiosity, if you logged onto the dating site, how long is it since his last log in? That’s a good indicator. If it’s within the last three days, I’d be cautious. If he had time to log in, he had time to call or email. Aside from that, I suggest reserving judgment for the moment however don’t make the mistake of burning up your time and energy thinking about him. Carry on as normal and remember that if he’s not interested, it’s his loss. Also, as a cautionary note, whilst email is handy, there is no substitute for getting on the phone. It is better to set the tone from the outset otherwise a habit ensues where they think they can manage you via email… If you use email, particularly in the early stages, ensure that the ending isn’t closed and needs to ideally ilicit some sort of reply.
i went out with a guy for 2 dates…he is very busy after the 1st date he called after i msgd him but hours later to make plans for the 2nd date…the 2nd date he called me sayin ill be there in 10 min b ready…i was surprised how he showed up he said i told you last night we were going out today if i say something i do it…i liked that….anyways we had fun the 2nd date…i am so into him…and i can tell from his eyes he feels something too…he is very busy though…he dropped me off sayin ill call you …i left him a msg 1hr later thankin him and sayin its like i know u since ages…def gotta c u b4 u go on holiday…coz he is flying soon…i just show him that am comfortable and that u dont need to be someone else with me thats why i left him a msg like that…anyways he actually never replies to msgs so this time again he dindt…we went out on tuesday its thursday now…didnt hear anything…i cant read this guy i dont get it…he doesnt reply but does appear infront of my door…its so strange…maybe he cant multitask…or likes to takes things slow…he did say he is so busy this week he is busy from 7 am until 9pm so i dont blame him but still what do i do? is he into me? or what…
Maya, I’m always wary of anyone who goes on about something. He is suffering from Those Who Doth Protest Too Much syndrome. He repeatedly tells you that he is a busy person so that he begins the process of managing down your expectations so that he can control the pace of the relationship. You can’t read him because he doesn’t want you to. He’s inconsistent, he blows hot and cold, and he almost wants to make you feel like the fact that he just shows up is the most important thing. But remember that nurturing of different forms starts from the beginning and I would be very careful around a man that behaves as he is doing as it’s a sign of things to come. Proceed with caution….Men that behave in this manner are rarely interested in having a bonafide relationship with you. They like everything on their terms when it suits.
i’ve been on a few date with a guy i like, but we haven’t really had the ‘what kind of relationship is this’ talk yet. he seem really interested and affectionate when we are together, and i don’t think he’s seeing anyone else.
but when it comes to phonecall and comunication, i am unsure. it takes him a while to call me after a date, and it seem hard to make plans. mixed signals? is he really busy or just not into me?
Sorry for the slow reply! I would err on the side of caution and call it mixed signals. How long is a while? Are you talking several days or more than a week? If you do have ‘the talk’, it is important to ascertain that he will be calling on the regular. A lack of communication so early in the relationship is a red flag and it is important that you confront the issue at some point soon, rather than it form the basis of how he’ll operate in the relationship. Oh and nobody is that busy - when people claim that they’re super busy, it’s a smoke screen for keeping their distance.
it’s been about 4 days, so less than week. but i don’t want to get into the habit of calling him and looking needy. am keeping busy and not wait around. but i heard he recently got out of a serious relationship, which i am thinking has something to do with this…though usual rebound behaviour is the opposite. i know i need to take a step back and also be more patient. but that is so hard when i like the guy! thank you for your respond.