I was reading a comment on one of the posts which reminded me of a scenario that I come across all the time on this blog:
Woman thinks she’s met her prince, when in fact, he’s a cockroach assclown, which deep down she possibly suspected. From the moment he starts acting up, it becomes a quest to ‘change’ him and to get him to understand things from her point of view. He keeps doing shitty things like disappearing, standing her up, lying, cheating, having his words and actions contradict and generally being a pain in the arse, and what does she do?
Keep talking.Women Who Talk and Think Too Much syndrome is something I discussed in more depth in my book Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl, but in short it’s:
“when you just can’t stop discussing, explaining, questioning, arguing, debating, and yes, sometimes talking to your man and when that
is done, you often switch to ‘thinking’ mode, where you basically try to think out your relationship to a 100% outcome. You have covered up your inaction in relationships with your urge to ‘communicate’. It is basically an overload of communication except there is very little ‘exchange’ of anything. You’ve actually been struck down with Verbal Diarrhoea and a serious case of informational overload.”
In essence, how do you know you have this? Well I won’t go into all of the ‘symptoms’ and characteristics here but in short:
If you know that you’re with an assclown and you’re still trying to ‘figure him out’ and you’re still trying to ‘talk him round’, or you’re damn well near losing your mind trying to explain to him why his latest escapade is so shitty, you are a ‘sufferer’.
You have become a woman of indecision.
Let’s look at this in a hardcore way:
If a man behaves like a complete assclown (in this case he arranged to meet her and then stood her up with no explanation), why do you think that getting angry and telling him how you feel, and telling him what he’s done, and telling him pretty much everything that is on your mind, is going to make a difference to this man?
Don’t you need to have an ounce of thought and empathy in your head in order for it to be worthwhile having this discussion? If he acted with integrity and if he empathised with you, or anyone for that matter, would he have put you in this situation in the first place?
In a relationship with good foundations, a healthy level of discussion is perfectly fine although you don’t want to spend more time discussing your relationship than living it. Trust me, if things are going well, you aren’t having these ‘discussions’.
But when a man shows you repeated disrespect and there is really only one of you in the ‘relationship’, why are you effectively blowing out hot air?
All you are doing is delaying the inevitable. You are buying time. But how much time do you want to buy? I know people who have discussed for a decade and they’re no further down the road than they were a decade ago.
Talking, whilst it is useful, doesn’t solve jack if no action comes from it. The reality is that with men who are unreceptive to anything you have to say or who hear what they want to hear anyway, it is a complete waste of your time to:
Keep have ‘defining the relationship’ talks – If you have to keep defining, it’s not being defined.
Keep explaining why his poor treatment of you is unacceptable – If he’s treated you badly again, why do you need to explain to him what he has done. He knows. He is not an unruly pet or a child, even if he behaves like one.
Keep telling him what things could be like if only he’d change and be as you expect. Just not going to happen. He either is or he isn’t and you will end up telling him till you are blue in the face and even then, he’s not going to change.
Keep saying you love him – Do not make the mistake of believing that telling someone you love them will give them reason enough to treat you decently. With an assclown, it will give him reason to think he can do as he likes…
Remember: All of this talking and lack of action is just wasting time and buying time, but at some point, you are going to have to do something.
Your thoughts? Have you been in any of these situations?
If you want to learn how to understand your involvement with Mr Unavailable’s and how to move on, check out my new ebook Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl. Find out more and download.
About the Author:
Natalie Lue is the founder and writer of Baggage Reclaim and author of the books Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl, The Dreamer and the Fantasy Relationship and more. Learn more about her here and you can also follow her on Facebook and Twitter - @baggagereclaim .
Natalie (NML) – who has written 1082 posts on Baggage Reclaim by Natalie Lue.
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Hi all,
I really need some advice. I have read all the comments and seen how strong all you ladies are after suffering from these issues. I am new to this dite so am not sure what some of the abbreviations mean. an EUM?. Basically, my b/f and I have been living together around 5 months. Last night we had an argument in a long line of little arguments of the same kind. I say something that he doesnt like and he gets upset and ignores me. I do the talking toooo much until its sorted out which just seems to bug him as he wants “space” to cool off. I recognize my downfall. I panic and try sooo hard to get him to talk and I apologize and say things like “I love you” and all i get is a cold stone face and he ignores me. Last night was different though. He said we need time apart and space and said he will be back to get some clothes. I asked for how long?, what does this mean?, please dont leave etc. I then asked if this means we are breaking up and he said “If you keep talking like that then yes we will” and he left. I was in a state. I cried and begged him not to go and was on my knees. He just ignored me and walked out. I am in such an emotional mess. Im 23 with a mond state of a child. My father is dieing in hospital. My b/f has been supportive and even text me to say that he gets upset to see me hurting about my father and he supports me and he loves me. but how is it that the next day its so easy for him to walk out like that?… PLease help me! Im completely confused and in such a state. I feel so alone and empty and I have nobody to turn to. My mom who is my rock lives abroad now and told me to come to baggagereclaim as she has used this site to help her be the strong person she is today. I am a complete mess. I need to know that someone has been in a similar situation and how they have gotten through it.. Does this mean we are still together or broken up or what?..
Hi Dee. I am sorry to hear of what has been happening. As Karen has explained, yes EUM is what people have been using for emotionally unavailable men. This is an incredibly difficult situation and it must be quite to comprehend what on earth is happening.
Certain types of men get to going when they feel that they’re needed emotionally more than they are capable of giving (or prepared to). You are right to feel confused. Whilst I wouldn’t suggest that someone should stay in a relationship because their partners parent is dying, at the same time, it’s quite a leap to go from claiming to support you one day and then breaking it off with you the next. Not very compassionate or supportive.
That said, sometimes people do strange things in arguments and the key is what they do afterwards. If he is still putting himself first and not recognising that right now, you need some emotional support from him, this is not a good sign. Whilst some people don’t know what to do with a difficult emotional situation, it costs nothing to be kind and bite your tongue. His style of arguing and communication is a combo of passive aggressive and aggressive and so yes, whilst the answer is not to creep round him and throw all your love at him and panic, you’re actually doing this in response to the fact he gets you to back off by cutting you off. His behaviour is extremely childish and manipulative. Now he’s gone up a step and aside from playing the ‘I’m going to ignore you till you learn that I control what’s said around here’ game, he’s now doing the ‘If you keep talking, this is over’ game which is a way to silence you but also quite a ploy where the responsibility for his part in the issues becomes yours because he’s trying to convince you it’s all because of what you said.
It’s not and don’t let him pull this rinky dinky stuff on you. You’re supposed to be in a relationship, you live together, and with that comes expectations such as basic communication and behaving with thought and care towards each other.
I do know of other people who have been through a similar situation and the one thing I would say is that at this point, you being with your father and making the most of that last bit of time is pivotal because if you don’t, whatever happens, you’re going to end up feeling guilty and you’ll regret not putting your energy where it’s deserved – with your father.
The best thing you could do right now is back off. Don’t chase him, give him space, and essentially, don’t do anything that he expects. Tough in your situation I know, but there is no point in wanting and needing the support of someone who doesn’t want to give it to you right now. He knows your situation. Let him cool off and give him space. Sit on your hands if necessary but don’t chase him and give him the excuse to claim he’s crowded and just take what he says at face value – he needs space. He’s clearly wound up right now, let him cool off, and just see what happens because if you guys are breaking up, he’ll have to say so because you do actually live together.
I feel so sorry that you feel alone and empty right now, but trust me, in light of what is happening with you both, you’ll feel this way with or without him at your side in his current state – the difference is that you’ll actually feel worse if he’s there begrudgingly and being unsupportive.
At the end of the day, actions speak louder than words. Nobody can tell you they’re supportive – they have to reflect it in their actions.
Whatever happens, you need to step back when you do have these arguments and resist the urge to throw all your love at him and over talk, because discussing masks inaction in these situations. Sometimes people need space to get their thoughts together If you’re arguing about a lot of the same little things, it is a sign that the core thing is not being dealt with. The answer to arguments is not to say ‘I love you’ because it only works a few times. It’s also not the answer to back down everytime because you feel backed into a corner by him blanking you because a pattern will be established where you have no voice in the relationship. I doubt you always like what he says but you don’t try to silence him because at the end of the day, relationships are a two way street, not one way, or the highway.
I hope that this helps x
Hi Dee…
First and foremost—- the abbreviations are from NML’s book and the many articles/posts that she has on this site dealing with Emotionally Unavailable Men (thus the abbreviation for EUM). What most of us have gathered from coming here and downloading NML’s book (which I strongly suggest you read ASAP!!! It will help you understand everything you are going through tremendously!!!!) that we have been dating men that are for one reason or another “unavailable”. What I gather from your post and your story is that you are in a similar situation and would benefit greatly from this site and what NML has to say— so I will repeat again— READ HER BOOK right away!!!!
I also think that there are other’s here who can truly help you better than I can but I wanted to respond to you to assure you that you are being heard and that yes— many of us are going through the same thing (myself included — if you were to read my posts from yesterday– you would see that I was having a “MOMENT”)
That being said— can someone please respond to Dee…. someone who can help her get through this– and answer some of her questions?? Don’t think I am the best person to do that right now
Don’t worry Dee…. you’ll get through this!! Hang in there for now
On another note– can someone help Dee? She posted on the forum “Women who think too much” seems like she can use a lot of support right now and you guys have been great with me…. so maybe someone can help?
oops– meant to post that on a different forum….where everyone was responding to me yesterday. Will respost there
Thank you sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much for your advice and conclusion about what is happening..
I can tell you that from when I wrote the post this morning he texted me and came home… We had a long conversation about it and we’ve sorted it out. There was something else going on with him from work and also he felt that he needed space as he wasnt able to think properly being at home (we live in a small 1 bedroom flat so theres not much place to go)…
Although things are now ok with us.. I am very aware that this is the way he deals with things and reacts..
I am prepared for the next issue to pop up and the possibility of it going down the same route. I hope that knowing this I will be more strong and aware of how to deal with the situation and my emotions but who knows as half the tiem im not sure what im feeling and my emotions are all over the place (with my dad, struggling to find work, realtionship etc)
I reallllly appreciate your responses as I feel that I can now start understanding more about myself and build up my self confidence. I now have somewhere where people understand me and write back to me!
Thank you..Will keep you updated!
x
I am an older woman who was in a steady relationship for decades with a pretty normal guy. He was a slightly EUM, but I was a slightly EUW, so we got aong well. Very little drama or pain, and we had a good life together. We just outgrew each other and split up in a natural way on good terms.
I am here because I fell for a guy who is a dramatic EUM, cannot take any confrontation, refuses to communicate and yet I kept cutting him slack !
Dee, the fact that your man came back, and was willing to talk about it, is a sign that he is willing to deal with his overwhelming emotions when they come up. This is a good thing.
Some men have Mom issues that they unknowingly play out with all the women in their lives. Some are perceptive enough to see this, and try to understand how Mom issues affect their behavior. Others are just glad to be free from Mom and bring that juvenile sense of rebellious freedom with them to relationships with women.
The fact that you came here right away, and are willing to deal with your own emotions is a good sign too, I have to admit I was a bit floored by your begging, that is so foreign to me. But girl, the fact that you noticed it and wrote about it is so important. Of course you should be treated well. But when not, it is so important to retain dignity, which is not at all the same as demanding or begging for respect.
Gosh, do guys have these kind of forums? I find this site so supportive as I struggle to cut off contact with a man who is probably borderline schizo. I was brought up Christian, to an extreme. I was taught to sacrifice, live like Jesus and turn the other cheek.
Luckily, in my life, I lived forty blessed years without ever bumping into an assclown. And then whammo, I got in deep with one that is a bit looney too. He is not a lover, but a friend that I share the oddest one sided relationship with. It seems he feeds off my strength, and I find strength in his weakness. Smart as hell, and I think he realizes all this too.
The last ten years has been all talk from me, and all listening and whining from him and no action on his part to getting out.
My best friend who struggles with a few ass clowns in her family said it so well when she said “I am so tired of people who enjoy being sick.”
Sometimes, no matter how much you wish it was different, no matter how much you hope someone will wake up, you have to say F**ck it and shut up. And, if the relaltionship is based on you talking out problems, this very well will likely end the whole relationship.
As hard as this is to swallow, you have to remember that what is ending is not a relationship, it is not much of anything but a lot of talk and frustration. I know all this and it is still hard to let it go.
I am learning so much all the posts all over this site.
Thanks for sharing.
Dee,
You asked “Does this mean we are still together or broken up or what?” That is actually two question. The first, “Am I still attached to him?” is a simple yes or no, has nothing to do with him. Do you feel attached to him?
The other half of the question, is “do I have a relationship with him?” And this is completely unrelated to whether you feel attached. You can decide, for yourself, “no”. You have to depend on him to help decide if you really have a “yes, there is a relationship”.
Another book you might look for, maybe in the library, “You just don’t understand!” – pointing out that men and women communicate differently.
This guy is troubled, is poorly equipped to communicate, and may be confused or disheartened about being understood. If you have been together for several months, and he isn’t prone to rage fits or long absences, this may be an issue with poor communication skills – yours and his – rather than the emotional availability issues that Baggage Reclaim usually addresses. I am making big assumptions here, on very little information. Forgive me if I misunderstood what happened.
What struck me about him walking out – was that he ran out rather than stay and get more angry – or cause you more distress. I consider this a lesser evil. Best would have been to not have the confrontation, next best would be to resolve things. Worst is undisciplined rage and anger outbursts. Leaving may have been the best he could manage at the time.
As for the arguments – you are nagging. Repeating the same thing, and it isn’t working. I suspect you are on the wrong topic. Your issues are yours, his are his – and neither of you are helping the other address what matters most, to you, at the moment. He may be bothered by something – and your reassurance that you care, that your affections are strong, that you love him – are inappropriate. If he is worried about the car, about bills, about how to make time to visit your Dad – then you are distracting the discussion. You aren’t respecting his needs. You aren’t helping him express what is stopping his thoughts – you are interfering. It is easy to say at that point you should be quiet until he is ready to speak – but taken to extremes that leaves you both silent, resentful, sulking – and never getting anywhere healthy.
I would recommend that you address with him – that you aren’t as sure of his happiness, his contentment with the relationship – with his affection for you – as you would like. That isn’t something he can say, and have meaning. That is something you have to believe, as you live with his trust and respect over weeks and months. You do *not* want him to tell you whatever he *thinks* you *want* to hear – you need truth and respect and honor.
And you need to work out with him, over time, how he can let you know that you are on the wrong topic. Even when you both discuss, say, a particular bill or purchase – you might be thinking about how useful (or not!) the item is, he might be concerned about whether you or he should be making the decision to buy that particular item. Such a discussion is a ticket to disaster.
As you found out. Frustration is a powerful force. When he was unable to express what was bothering him – either you didn’t understand him (and didn’t allow him to explain, or request an explanation), or he was unable to express his problem, couldn’t find the words, or was trying to find non-inflammatory words – he was uncomfortable with you being so distraught. By leaving, he would not be responsible for making you act even more distraught.
When he goes silent, when he clams up – think to yourself, “This is not working. I have to do something different.” Let him know he has your attention. Wait 20 seconds when he says something, and consider all the things that might mean to him (first), before responding. “When you speak loudly, they hear your voice. Speak softly, and they hear your words.” I read that somewhere (“Fox Running”).
The words “I love you” are not a chain, they don’t bind someone to you. They won’t fix anything that is broken, or mend a hurt feeling. “Thank you”, and “I’m sorry” can mend fences, can open doors. “I don’t understand”, “What can I do?”, “Please help me” are immensely powerful.
Best wishes for your Dad, for you, and your b/f.
Hey Brad,
I am always inspired by your posts. But, can I say, they come from a very certain point of view? Thank you for giving your opinion, it is always appreciated. Although, life is complicated, and sometimes there are no real answers, except the ones we find for ourselves.
Best to you.
Dear Aphrogirl and Brad,
Many many thanks for your posts. They have helped me tremendously and have opened my eyes to many things that I do wrong in the relationship as well as him.
I am aware that I have many issues of my own and may not be as secure in the relationship as I would like as I feel it is “too good to be true”
I am starting to address this and am making myself aware of it everyday and reminding myself not to get into that negative state of mind.
As for him, we have discussed it and decided together that as we live together and spend every second of every day with eachother that we both need to give one another space which is healthy.
I need to go out with friends more and spend time with my Dad and other people in my life and he needs to have more time away from me where he can work and deal with everything in peace and quiet.
I understand now that him walking out maybe was a better solution than him shouting and screaming at me because inside he was frustrated and annoyed at what was happening. I now also know that during that day there were alot of work issues and he was trying to hide them from me as he did not want to spend the day out together in a negative mood.
I thank you all for your support and advice and no doubt will keep checking this site to ask advice when I need and to give advice if I can when needed..
Thank you all so much!
x
Hi Everyone. Due to a technical fault with the previous service which notifies you by email when I publish a new post, I have had to move to a new provider. The error means you will now need to sign up to the Feedblitz service if you want to start receiving emails again. Apologies for any inconvenience caused. Thanks Natalie/NML
Dear Everyone..
I am faced with the same scenario. A guy who gives me excuses everytime he said he would turn up.. once he ends up being caught by cops, the other time, his mum fall sick..and the other time..his sister took his car, and the other time..he just never answered or replied.. well, there’s just way too many excuses in the past two years. I felt really annoyed with his habits, but at times.. he was seriously nice. He would turn up if he promised to help me with work… or something really important to me. He would make the call to wake me up for 5am in the morning, just coz i dont trust the alarm clock, and send me off to the airport. Yes, indeed he melts me with such behaviours. But, after sending me off to airport and there he disappears into perfect Mr.Unavailable characteristics. HE doesnt reply a text, and doesnt even answer my call for like two weeks. And I do go into woman-who-thinks-too-much.. and gosh.. it makes me lose my mind. I gave him a week time to reply me, and after tat I replied him saying..”You might as well be dead to me.” .. I dunno, this whole game was just pissing me off. (It’s far distance relationship anyway… he’s bout 2 hours drive away from me..) He fits the bill rite? The Mr.Unavailable?
Leo,
Dump this loser!!!!
Awww… You seriously think so too?
Leo,
The signs are there. Big time!!!!
I could ‘maybe’ excuse someone for not showing up for a date for the first time but if it happened again I would not waste my time. Huge red flag!!! This shows he does not respect others or their time, and the fact that he didn’t call really makes him a complete douche bag!! Those times he was nice, so what, i would be inclined to believe that the bad far outweighed the good. You deserve soooooooo much better!
Another indicator is the fact that he doesn’t respond to your calls in a timely manner shows he is not invested in you or any type of relationship. Sorry. I would suggest that you take control of the situation and go NC immediately- there is no need to tell him you’re going NC, he’ll get the hint.
Remember, the actions say it all, and his scream his involvement.
Graynor.. seriously… this is so helpful. Makes me relieved speaking bout it, and makes it more clearer… I am certain at least for now.. I have moved on for few days.. and will move on better this time after actually reading bout it.
Great post!
Leo,
Did you say one of his excuses was “once he ends up being caught by the cops?” This is not good!!!! Has this guy been incarcerated??? Ladies, what are we settling for?? Yikes!
This guy sounds like a bum, you certainly deserve much better.
Please come back if you’re having a weak moment.
Wow…What a light bulb moment… This was so me with my Ex! I remember talking to him til i was blue in the face about issues or things he had done that i thought were uncool. And his respones each time was ‘just tell me what you want me to do and i’ll do it’ (i guess he just wanted to shut me up) but he never did change, i just thought he was stupid and didnt know any better yet i continued to point out to him how it was uncool that he flirted all the times with my friends, or how he’d stay out all night rather than come home early to spend time with me and many more issues… but the bottom line is he nerver treated me right and i spent all my time trying to talk him into changing his behaviours…. Now i know this next sentence is going to sound so stupid given what i have just said… But i still miss him and want him back! I dont know what my problem is or why i’m addicted to this toxic relationship but i suspect it has to do with the fact he left me and the felling of rejection…stupid i know!
Fi,
What is it you actually miss and want back? Is the flirting with your friends, the disrespect, staying “out all night,” and the constant drama and confusion? How long were you involved with this guy?
Gaynor,
We were together three and a half years… I know it sounds so stupid when i say it and think about wanting him back after some of the stuff he does/did or the way he made me feel so crap… but i cant switch off, i was in love with him for so long and i guess i got used to over looking the bad stuff… I miss him in general, i miss his company, i miss the affection and just being in a relationship i guess… again i know its not logical but love never is i guess…
Fi,
That’s a long time but don’t let it be a factor.
I miss the man I thought I knew, unfortunately that was not the real person (honeymoon phase). We know these men will not change-unless they choose too-therefore holding on to the good memories is senseless. How much of the time were you questioning his actions and the stability of the relationship? How much of the time were you unhappy, is all the grief worth what little he can provide for you?
I’m curious, did he leave you for another?
Gaynor,
I know what your saying is correct, i know i do tend to look back at the relationship in a better light than it actually was however in all honesty we did have lots of good times together and he had many good qualities too (asides the crap stuff that is)… and i guess i just looked at it like you cant have everything can you??
He called it off out the blue, we had lots of plans for the future together and i didnt see it coming, it was not something i would ever see him doing as he had a real insecure side… But i did later find out a few days after that he had been txting and talking to a girl, so i believe thats why he had the strength and ability to leave because he kind of had a back up, otherwise its not something he would have been able to do (he was quite dependant on me).. this is the first time in our relationship we have ever had a problem, or break up or any big issue so it was a huge thing to have happened out the blue..
I believe that when things fall through with her or he gets bored with her the reality will set in and he will realise the enormity of what he has done he’ll come cawling back… but its been about 7 weeks now and i’m getting stronger and dont think i can forgive him for this now…
Fi,
I think you also need to ask yourself why you would want to be with a man who is so clingy and insecure? Too much work!!! If I remember correctly, it was about all of problems and issues? Who wants that??
Why not look for a man who is secure and not one that constantly needs to reenforced?
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This woke me up.
I’ve been having the same chat with my man for about 7 years………It has been on, it has been off, he’s blown hot, he’s blown cold, he’s disappeared, he’s reappeared, he’s cheated, he’s lied, he’s pleaded he’s changed, I’ve taken his BS and gone back to him time and time again, I have driven my friends demented asking the same questions, when will he change? Never! But he is different? No he’s not. Then one morning when i woke it..a light went on. NO.MORE.
Life is too short. Don’t waste your time on assclowns when there are millions of single men just waiting for you to snap them up!! They arent that great, the sun does not shine out of their bums, they talk a good game and never ever follow it up! These men don’t need women. They have themselves and that is enough! As NML pointed out, these men are overgrown babies with the brain span of a nut!
Cut the contact and don’t look back. I did and I have never been happier! And guess what? He hasnt contacted me once. He really couldnt give a stuff about me!
i came across this website this morning and have found it very helpful. to this point, i had not found any reading material online that so accurately described the situation i have found myself in for the past year.
I have been seeing a man for the past 4 years that i have know for over half of my life (I’m 31). For the past year he has gradually pulled away from me citing that he doesn’t know how to get what he wants with me. His calls became so infrequent and i began saying that i felt like i have to chase him. When we are together the chemistry is amazing and the friendship is deep. i have become increasing frustrated by how he no longer feels that need to call me with any frequency and never initiates seeing me. He says he believes he loves me but he wants space because he isn’t feeling passionate anything anymore. I always give him the benefit of the doubt but my gut tells me that he is no longer in love with me. I feel like i am fighting a battle for someone that doesn’t want to fought for. all because i see such potential for us.
two weeks ago i put in place the no contact rule. but i broke it today when i sent him a funny email i thought he would enjoy. he never responded. i am on the verge of sending him an email again and need the support and strength not too. i am a very sad person.
HI. I found your website recently and can’t get over how helpful it is from all your comments and experiences. I also feel a bit better knowing I am not alone with this crazy situation, and that there is hope once I gain the strength to leave this clown…and the addictive highs and lows of the crazy behavior I’ve tolerated for 7 years. My guy lost his wife 9/11. He was very open and vulnerable emotionally- in the beginning and that’s what sucked me in. But the red flags were waiving like the UN even in the beginning and I didn’t listen to my heart. He complained about his deceased wife – not wanting him to have a drink with the boys and who was SHE to tell him he had to be home for dinner?? He stated once he felt ‘guilty’ for ‘not missing her’ because the sex was so good with me. I wanted to throw up and..really, knew this could not possibly be a man who was capable of loving a woman. BUT, I excused all this to his ‘shock’ about her death. Now I feel it was simply a convenience for him. Isn’t that sad.
I met him 9 months after her death. My gut feelings told me it was too soon for him. I didn’t listen but now, I’m not sure it would even have made a difference. It took me over 3 years to finally ‘fall’ for him and once I was hooked and he sensed he was he had no competition, his behavior towards me dramatically changed. I helped him through a great deal of life changes but when I went through my own, he backed off from me and/or most of the time became EXTREMELY critical. The recent episode is with tennis. He is the President of his tennis club. I am the daughter of a university coach and no slouch myself. I have asked him many times to play with me. In 7 years I’ve gotten 3 hours of his time. When I take lessons on my own, he tells me I am wasting my money, or will NEVER become good at it only playing once a week, on and on.
He can be as sweet as anything when he feels he is losing me, and be as cold as an iced heart when I express to him how he hurts me. He involved himself in my life a number of times, only to pull back…just as things were getting real with us. He told my father he wanted to go t he distance with this and have them in his life. He also told my father he would never get married to me, only to turn around a week later to tell me we will be together…that my girlfriend would not be the only one getting married this year. I am the light of his eye one week and then he tells me ‘we are not working’ the next. His birthday card to me stated I was the center of his world and he loved me, and the very next day, he said the words meant NOTHING, that he just had to get a card that said something to shut me up.
We bought a vacation home together in Argentina and the day after I came back from fixing it up and getting renters in there, he complained that my teaching job was a joke and that I did not earn enough money. I might add, he made out considerably due to the unfortunate death of his wife, so much so that he quit his job, floundered around for 1.5 years and finally found something he loves, but only works part time. When I asked for more time with him, he cited my long hours in the office as a problem for him. When I lost this particular job due to layoffs, he went and hooked up with another woman the very same week and claimed she had a career and would never be in the position I am in..that he liked where she was at in life and that she was a GREAT tennis player. He erased all evidence of my existance in his house (a house I spent a great deal of time last years)..just to bring her in. All this happened in the middle of another real estate venture we are buying….(we close next week). I am beyond devastated. The new girl broke up with him recently when she discovered he was not as ‘free’ as he relayed, and he took about one hour before he called me to tell me he was ‘free and solo again.’ No reflection of his own contributions to the relationship mess at all. I have become physically sick over this relationship and have been in counseling for sometime. It hurts. I know where this has to end. I just pray I can get to the other side of this pain and soon. I asked myself over and over how a man can run so hot and cold; so in love and all over me (in public) one day and won’t speak a word to me the next. Tells me we have a ‘special’ connection the day of our co-op board meeting…and we will always be together, and then shhe is there in the house her her there day before, and day after……..and obviously, so little regard for my feelings and the pain when I have once again begged him. I never had any trouble walking away from a relationship before. With this one, I’ve gone from being very secure and the strong one to an absolute pity party that even I can’t recognize. I cannot believe I have changed like this over THIS man. Thanks for your website. I feel some strength here….I know what I need to do. I just hope I can get through these next weeks and get my life back. My self esteem has hit rock bottom right now.
Linda
Linda,
That’s what these guys do, they suck the life out of you. This guy has repeatedly shown you that he is incapable of a loving, normal relationship through hot/cold behavior, deception, lies, cheating, non-support etc….. This man will not change, he has to have some idea that of how much hurt he has caused-I’m assuming you have conveyed the amount of destruction he caused in your life-and yet they don’t seem to care. From one New Yorker to another, please move on from this man as he will only continue to deplete you of any self-esteem you may have left.
I’m sorry for your pain. Hugs.
Linda, what Gayle said… keep reading here. Its a bad addicitive dynamic with these guys, brought on by their inconsistency.
You cannot talk, rationalize or argue logically with someone whose character is built on shifting sand. I was 50 when I first had a run in with this peculiar type of lunacy. And that is what it is…. lunacy of a kind that is contagious, makes you crazy. Worse, the crazy making can reduce a strong woman to a weak woman.
You can recover, but you need to get away and stay away. Read about NC. It is hard, can take a good long while, but is so worth it. Good luck and another hug from a New Yorker.
Linda,
I’m so sorry for what you went through and I know how much it could hurt. You dont need to hear my story, but know this – IT WILL PASS. You just need to brace yourself because the pain will get worse and you will be weak and hope for small doses of him to temporarily ease the pain, but please be strong and know it will pass. Once on the other side, you’ll never look back, you’ll learn to recognise these types in an instant and come out a much stronger woman.
It will pass. I promise. Please dont give up on yourself.
Flicker
These posts have been so useful for me….
thanks ladies…
Hi everybody
I need to hear stories od success, i woudl love to hear from women who have moved on and gotten over allof this pain and delusional thinking, please tell me there is life on the other side!