” My boyfriend and I have been together for 5 years (including a couple of months that we broke up). We have a 4 yr. old daughter together, she is perfect. When I first
found out that I was pregnant, our relationship totally changed and he didn’t
seem to want to have anything to do with me. I did something that I will always
regret, I cheated on him. I was lonely, scared and felt very unloved (I know
those aren’t excuses). This is our third try to make things work…. but the
same problems keep popping up. The majority of my friends have been men, I just
get along better with them… and he is constantly thinking that I’m seeing or
sleeping with my friends. One of my “friends” did say that he wanted more that
just being friends… should I cut this person totally out of my life even
though I told me that I’m happy in the relationship I’m in? Yesterday things
escalated from bad to worse when he said he’s done with out relationship
because he feels like I don’t care if he is happy or not because I still talk
to the guy who said he wanted more at one point. I truly love my boyfriend and
I do want things to work out…. what can I do? Will he always think I’m
cheating on him? Is there anything I can do to regain trust…(even though the
cheating incident was 4 1/2 yrs. ago and was a one time thing?) Are we just
torturing each other by being together?”
NML says: OK, without trust, it is very difficult to conduct a relationship. Whilst you did cheat and you were in the wrong, your boyfriend needs to either take a leap of faith and trust you, or walk away. It is literally one or the other. However there are some things that you need to think about.
I do think that men and women can be friends, but more often than not, guys are friends with you but wouldn’t say no if the opportunity to sleep with you came up. From the moment that your friend said that he wanted more…he was no longer your friend. Bearing in mind that he knows that you’re in a relationship, he was either hoping that you’d cheat or expecting you to dump your boyfriend. At the end of the day, he is not acting from friendship..he is operating with his penis…and yes possibly his heart, but you can’t blame your boyfriend for not being keen on the both of you being friends. Friendship between you both relies on both of you having no desire to screw each other and that clearly is not the case. I suggest that you put distance between you both and focus on friendships that don’t involve the guy coming on to you.
You need to ask yourself why you still need the attentions of a guy who has stated that he wants more than friendship from you, despite the fact that your boyfriend objects? Sometimes we like knowing that we have someone’s interest even if we are not going to do anything with it – It feels good for the ego. Be careful of always surrounding yourself with male friends. Whilst there is nothing wrong with genuinely getting on with the male species better, do examine whether you are seeking these friendships because they cater to a need for male attention. The fact that your boyfriend knows that this guy has said that he’s interested in you is worrying because either he sensed it or you told him – If you told your boyfriend, you have to ask yourself what you were trying to achieve by telling him? If you didn’t tell him, your boyfriend is actually right to feel concerned because his beliefs are actually true. Flip the situation around and ask yourself: If your boyfriend surrounded himself with lots of female friends and one of them said that they wanted more than friendship, how comfortable would you be if he continued to be friends with her, despite the fact that you have expressed your discomfort?
Remember that when men surround themselves with female friends, we often call it their narcissistic harem… They have a woman for all of their attention needs…. Ask yourself if you had more of a balance of male AND female friends would this expose even more problems in your relationship with your boyfriend?
It seems that your relationship with your boyfriend is struggling, irrespective of the fact that this ‘friend’ has expressed interest. You admit to cheating when you felt unloved and lonely and you’re on the third try. What this says to me is that whatever is at the heart of your problems with your boyfriend, it is still unresolved. Often we talk about the surface stuff, but we don’t get to the root of the problem. If you are both co-existing in a relationship where there are clear trust and attention issues, you both need to confront this and either be committed to moving on from the past or ending things. Yes you both have a child together but none of you need to be in an unhappy situation and if you are both never going to resolve this issue, your relationship is doomed anyway. In order for you both to move on from the cheating, your boyfriend needs to forgive. Remember, if your reasons for cheating are that you felt unloved and lonely, he may feel that your leanings towards male friendships are catering to your unease about these things.
I don’t think that there is anything wrong with having male friends if friendship is all that it’s about, but friendship should not come at the expense of your relationship, but also true friendship shouldn’t be gotten rid of due to someone’s insecurity and jealousy. You don’t have true friendship with this guy…however if you take him out of the equation and you’re still left with insecurity and jealousy, then you clearly have bigger issues to resolve.
You say you truly love your boyfriend and that you want things to work out. Whilst I don’t suggest you bin off all of your male friendships, I do suggest that you avoid antagonising your relationship any further by continuing to be friends with the guy who is interested. Let that be a show of faith to your boyfriend that you respect his concerns about the guy but also be clear with your boyfriend that you are committed to him and that if he wants to be with you, he must trust you. Agree some boundaries and be clear about distinguishing between a genuine concern based on behavior and paranoia, because he can’t control everything.
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Really great advice NML. Also I think that she’s missing a certain level of RESPECT for her man. If your guy doesn’t feel like he’s elevated as the highest male in your world, and you have all these other ‘male’ friends around you, there is no way that you should expect him to trust you (especially when your past has the cheating.) You also have to take a firmer stand if you want this relationship to work. I think you should cut off communication with all these ‘male’ friends because it’s just contributing to the emotional insecurity and lack of trust from your man. Your relationship has alot of issues and you need to work out all these unresolved issues. You need to prioritize your man’s feelings because they are valid. Instead of doing that though, you are talking to your ‘boys’ and hanging out with them, especially the one that’s coming on to you. No no.
I find this woman’s freudian slip very interesting: “I told me that I’m happy in the relationship”. Hmm.
Unless you are married to a lawyer, living in a White House, and fooling around with an intern, I think ‘cheating’ probably means something other than sexual intercourse in the missionary position and you got caught.
I think cheating is any time or relationship spent that weakens a relationship. Any time energy is spent that could have rewarded the gifts our partner gives of love, respect, trust, and loyalty, we are withholding something – cheating.
We know that career, extended family ‘obligations’, and friendships can challenge a relationship. We have to balance our priorities or our outside interests will destroy our home. Whether drugs, alcohol, or flirting, there are many dangers and risks ready to tempt us.
NML. as Vixen mentions, the lady asking this question spends way too much time dwelling on excuses. She isn’t really focused on deserving the gifts her partner gave her over a long period of time – the love, respect, intimacy, care. If she knows her partner considers her time and energy spent with friends is a threat, she has to decide if he is being obsessive, or observant. If she turns to friends for closeness, for comradeship, to exchange gossip and caring, then she is cheating her partner of her time and attention. As I say, the first concern is whether his complaint is obsessive, and likely to isolate her from friends and family, or whether his complaint is about genuine lack of devotion to her mate.
With the daughter between them, my first inclination is to try to rekindle the relationship. Because he feels wronged, she will have to change, to think about her actions, and acknowledge that he deserves to be the friend and comfort she turns to first and last. And she probably, after this much time, needs professional counseling and guidance to find a healthy balance of focus, attention, and values of living with a mate.
Vixen – Well said. As usual you tell it like it is. Prioritising is key and it’s time to decide whose feelings and attention she wants more…
Katie – Well spotted! That did escape me and it certainly says a lot!
Brad – I thought the first line was very funny. At the end of the day it’s back to the prioritising. I don’t believe in prioritising someone so much that it gets in the way of you conducting a normal, healthy life – the isolation you suggested. The key thing here is this need for attention from all of these other guys, particular when she knows that there is more than a friendly interest in her. Clearly she is not happy with her man because if she was, she wouldn’t even entertain this guy.
NML,
I hesitate to agree with that statement. You may well be correct, but I think this is a life skills problem. I think this lady developed, before this relationship started, the skills to attract men. And the habit of using that life skill would be tougher to break than cigarettes, another hormone-driven vice/addiction.
I think she continues to confuse attention from other guys with ‘normal’ behavior, because she doesn’t know any better. I don’t think she ever learned about the step from ‘attract hot guys’ to ‘enjoy the guy you are with because you need to make a world for two, with only us two in it’. Vogue, Cosmo, Maybelline, Playex – none of them sell as much product once you stop trolling for new blood.
Excellent advice NML (and everyone else too). Obviously something is broken and needs fixing. I especially like Brad bringing up the emotional cheating thing. A LOT of women do it, but see it as innocent. I
It could be a number of things, maybe she doesn’t feel like her boyfriend give her enough attention, or it’s purely an ego thing, etc…
Normally I would agree that if she was truly happy she wouldn’t entertain the other guy, but I’ve seen a couple of situations of a woman being friends with someone who wants more than friendship. It had a lot to do with past history (ie knowing this friend for years prior to boyf) and also insecurity in whether her man was the right one for her. She did eventually marry her boyf and let go of the friend, but it was a process that took some serious time and had other factors in play….