This is one of those situations where it is, what it is. Sometimes all you need to do is write down what is happening to you and then read it back to yourself. Seriously.
I’m going to be blunt – Don’t p*ss on your own doorstep unless you are pretty damn sure that 1) it could have some serious potential, 2) he’s not a playa, or 3) you’re only working there on a temporary basis or planning to leave anyway. Or as another reader put it “Don’t sh*t where you eat” – crude, but true.
The fact of the matter is that you don’t want to believe that you have wasted your time and you don’t want to be believe that he’s an assclown that you’ve wasted energy on.
But….Sometimes…it is what it is… This is most definitely one of those times!
Ladies, sometimes, in fact, often, we over analyse and try to see shades of grey when in actual fact, black and white is what’s needed.
From the moment he’s trying to juggle you with another colleague, even if he is just flirting with them, he is making a mug out of you. This is extremely disrespectful and instead of doing what a lot of us make the mistake of doing and trying to compete or wondering what the hell she has that we don’t, cut the mofo off and start ignoring him. He’s spreading himself thin.
Alert – Guys that don’t mind shagging around at the office also don’t mind looking around even when they’re just supposed to be with you.
Men don’t like aggravation and you get two types of men who have ‘relationships’ with people at work:
1) The guy who would only take the risk of being involved with someone because he was crazy about them
2) The guy who thinks work is a dating pool full of fish to shag. He just can’t resist all of the fresh ‘meat’ around him and often he’ll be like the welcome wagon for new women that arrive at the office. Inherently lazy, instead of going out and hooking up with people outside of work, he is constantly on the lookout.
The latter guy is the one you have and he is a total waste of your time and energy.
These men use work to manipulate you, much like cheaters that you meet at work – they use the fact that you are at work to make out like there are restrictions to how much you can be with each other because of the work environment, when in actual fact, it’s because they’re assclowns with a wife, or other women that they are chasing and if you had free reign, you could hamper his ‘activities’ and he may even be forced to treat you halfway decently.
Workplaces give a perfect opportunity for ‘legitimate’ secrecy.
Whatever it is you love about this guy, you’re on your own because this is not a two-way flow. I have seen this type of guy time and time again, and he will continue to make a fool out of you as long as you let him. This guy is using you and getting off on the fact that you want him and love him in spite of the fact that he’s no good.
Always remember: if he’s prepared to disrespect you right in front of you in your own workplace, what the hell would he do when your back is turned?
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I am not sure how to say this – but, friend, you missed several red flags.
First is the guy ‘hooked up’ at work. This violates the laws against a hostile workplace. Seriously. And you have to let him go his own way – anything you do that annoys him, and he will likely be complaining about you harassing him.
That means that when seeing someone at work, you cannot, ever, ever, listen to any gossip – it might be about him. You cannot share your concerns (it fuels gossip). You cannot have feelings of doubt about his honesty, his loyalty – because it will drive you crazy while he has the ‘cover’ of the workplace to play his games.
But, really, for me the biggest no-no is that ‘no one knows’. Why would you date someone in secret? Dating should be to build a family, a life involved in your community, one that will affect your career and your self-worth. Anytime you have to be ‘secret’ or ‘discreet’ you are rebelling against authority. Being the naughty kid and avoiding the rules is exciting in Junior High, but at work, and around your family, you need respect and honesty to build a good foundation. How honest can you be if you have to hide something this important?
Keeping things secret really works for this guy. He never has to send you flowers or candy at work, never has to give you anything that might show up at work – like a ring. If you think back to when you first met, I imagine he was pretty smooth, pretty persuasive – an experienced, professional ‘dater’. That is, he has practiced and honed his skills at picking up bed partners. He will likely always continue to pick up new bed partners – probably the reason he is already chasing someone else is because he didn’t ‘get lucky’ soon enough with you, according to his schedule.
What to do with him? First, re-read the company policy on sexual harassment. Anytime the guy begins to stray into personal matters, shut him off, quote the policy, and get back to business.
You don’t really have to worry about breaking off with him. He likely didn’t think you were ‘going together’, except you had a ‘regular’ spot in his black book. You still have to deal with losing someone, though. Next time look for a guy that is not skilled at picking up women, that is honest and aboveboard at all times. Look for the possibility of respect before you consider if he looks cute or attractive.
Luck!
Rule #1: Don’t date co-workers. Only break in times of an emergency.
My first question is, why is this woman in love with the guy? That’s a pretty big leap to go from dating a co-worker to being really in love with him. Based on the letter, it sounds like she’s really insecure. I think she needs to get her inner game sorted out. She’s what I call a (female) AFC, that is average frustrated chick. I mean no disrespect. I recommend that she dates a ton of guys, gets experience, and read any post by Hot Alpha Female about loving thyself.
For the guy, he sounds like a standard douchebag. If he was a player or PUA, he would have established the relationship type right off the bat. Casual, FB, LTR, whatever. Guys who don’t know what they’re doing dicker around.
There are several thing I disagree with in Brad’s response, but the salient point is “dating should be to build a family.” I disagree. Dating can be about many things: casual sex, non-sexual companionship, moving towards an LTR, moving towards marriage, whatever you’re looking for. That’s the reality of dating today.
I agree, never, ever, EVER, date anyone at work. Client, supplier, colleague. Off limits.
Unless of course, it is true love.
Right. Think about it. Chances are that it isn’t.
Yes, there are lots of guys that fish in the company pond, as are there are lots of women who do so. However, men being the lazier of the two, not to mention more distracted by ‘ass’, I would have to say that in my experience in many workplaces, the man is always the instigator of this type of scenario.
Also, NML brings up a really good point about the secrecy thing. Guys who are on the make, esp with women who know each other, want to keep it secret. So, therefore, workplace is perfect for this player bs game. It does take more effort on the guy’s part, but look at the ‘rewards’ for a guy, all the hot chicks at work…ya.
And of course, I agree with Lance.
Don’t play victim here. You know. Your gut is telling you or else you wouldn’t ask the question.
Listen to it. And you don’t have to be a hard-line ‘I’m awesome’ person to have confidence.
You only have to listen to your gut…no big secret there.
Wish you luck, this is unfortunately how most people learn that work + love/lust = bad news.
So, take the lesson and get out.
xo
This goes does not have good intentions toward you. I used to hear that from my friends and about a guy I was dating and I wouldn’t understand. I thought they mean – that he has “ill” intentions toward me. That’s not it. He doesn’t want to cause you harm, but he also isn’t interested in filling your life with his love and companionship.
You really should not love someone that behaves this way towards you. I’ve have in the past – and a lot of the times I felt like it would hurt more to let go than keep hanging on.
However, looking back – I think the hurt of walking away or ending things (even without telling this jerk) – is short term. Like pulling off a band-aid.
The old adage about “loving yourself first” may sound trite or simple, or over-used at this point – but it’s really the best advice that anyone can give you at this stage. This guy is a a grade-A LOSER.
Good luck!
Sadly enough, I’ve been here and I know from experience that the All American Rejects are the only ones who want to be anyone’s dirty little secret.
My assclown kept saying it wasn’t anyone’s business which translated in assclown speak means if everyone knows I’m doing you, it will seriously limit my ability to do anyone else I might want to do.
Girl, I empathize but the truth of the matter you have cut your losses and get out now. And I mean right now!
Douchebag dude will not make it easy. He’ll try the hot/cold routine on you and a million other assclown tricks he might have up his sleeve but it has got to be done! And the sooner the better.
This is not only your heart, it’s your job! Where else do you spend the majority of your time? You have to be comfortable there and, if you continue down this road, that’s the last thing you’ll be. It could cost you your job! He’s not worth that. He’s not worth anything. Run, run like hell!
Secret relationships are no good. No good at all. My EUM didn’t want anyone to know because he “didn’t think it was anyone’s business.” What he meant was that he didn’t want to make any kind of public pronouncements about our relationship because then he might be in some way obligated to behave as though I was an important part of his life. If he’s keeping your relationship secret — for any reason — there’s trouble ahead.
Having said that, it’ll be terrible to break with him and still see his face everyday. Even when I behave around my ex just as I should — when I largely pretend he isn’t there, never make eye contact, treat most everything he has to say with skepticism and perhaps a thin veneer of disdain, and ignore his attempts to get my attention — even when everything goes perfectly, I still would prefer that I didn’t see him at all. Because continuing to see him is one more reason to keep thinking about him, on any level. But I believe that enforcing such a regimen will eventually lead me to a place where I no longer have to try to ignore him. One day, I think I’ll get to a place where it’s just automatic and interacting with him really does become no big deal.
Anyway, I agree with the other posters that you need to get out of this relationship. You’ll have a tough road, but it’s definitely better to deal with the pain and frustration now than beat yourself up over all the time you spent with this guy five years from now. Good luck.
Good story here. Two years ago a cooworker of mine left my office and moved away. We had a long term FB thing. I was going through a divorce and thought I was in love. I knew he had been with another cooworker previously. Weeks after he left at a girls in the office night out, I found out that he was still hooking up with her and someone ELSE. (and probably others) HOWEVER, I think you all should read the statistics on meeting future spouses at the work place–I believe it is the number one place. Secret dating at the office is OK for the first month or so, for your own privacy if its the real deal and till you know what end is up. Then it’s not OK. Beware of this: Have they dated others secretly in the office? (its never stays a secret-everyone can pick up the vibes) and is it rREAL dating, or a casual vibe?
Another point I forgot to mention.
Chances are good that if others are gossiping about the rest of the girls that he is chasing, they are gossiping about you.
That’s just the way that people-with-nothing-better-to-do run their lives. No offense to your friends, but dollars to donuts they are.
So. You CAN take control of this and regain your respect, both SELF and at WORK.
You could forevermore be know as the ‘Chick who took the upper hand’. By dumping him.
Calmly, cooly, higher ground.
Just tell him you are done, the work thing doesn’t work for you anymore. And leave it at that.
No drama, no BS.
That way, the gossip will be about how in CONTROL you are. Not the opposite.
Which is a win win for you, career-self respect wise.
Just a thought…best of luck!
Brad K – as usual you make some interesting, rathe scary points. “hostile environments”? Brilliant! But she could do with creating a hostile environment of herself – the sign on her door should say do not enter to him. Secrecy, whilst it is initially exciting, it always wears thin.
Lance – Have to agree with you wholeheartedly. This guy has no ‘game’! It’s not that relationships are about games (really they aren’t) but if you’re gonna play on work turf, play properly. I have no problems with someone who states his terms from the outset because then the choice for someone to be with him is their choice. He’s a flip flapper. As for the dating is about building a family, I also agree there too. Dating is for finding potential partners, with a view to potentially moving forward to a relationship.
Cheekie – Excellent point – whilst I feel for this woman, she’s not a victim, she’s just choosing to not call a spade a spade.
Ashley – Very wise words. At the end of the day, one of the major sticking points with some of our worst relationships is that we prefer the comfortable option because the discomfort that comes with it is better than the discomfort of the unknown. What most don’t realise is that the worst of it is in the short term so if we can just get past that point, the path to healing becomes more clear.
Lisa Q – Great point. A 40 hour plus week at work has you spending the bulk of your life there. Why make every day feel like a trip to the dentist for a root canal?
Fake It Till I Make It – I’ve been there done that, and I agree, after a while you don;t care and it’s not so much of an effort before. You know it’s working when you’re so busy with your own life that you forget to be poised to ignore him!
nysharon – I agree that a hell of a lot of people meet their spouses at work but I think it’s fairly safe to say that he’s not being serious about her! I know people who would never have contemplated an office relationship until they met someone who it became unavoidable with. That’s love and they’re still together – in fact, a lot of people from my old workplace met and fell in love there. But they weren’t the ones that shagged around! I think your last point is brilliant because men that secret date at the office on the regular, do so to protect their future conquests from finding out about the real him!
Cheekie – Great point – it’s about putting herself in the driving seat. He hasn’t got good intentions and if she doesn’t walk away, this will end in tears. People do adjust their perception of you when you’re shagging around at the office and if everyone knows that your man is a flake, it’s even worse. I’ve seen it happen before and if she sticks by him, it could have a really negative impact.
Lance, about why she loves the guy?
I *think* it starts with affection. We identify with the people we enjoy being around. Being around people that we enjoy pleases us. Dating usually includes getting to know each other, communicating more intimately than usual social roles allow.
Affection.
Then comes the tricky part. If the other doesn’t feel affection, wanders off, or takes advantage – we are left with affection and a problem. We know that it takes effort to maintain a relationship – any relationship, from parents to kids, between spouses, between friends. So one response when space intrudes – is to try harder. To work to overcome the obstacles we see.
We can rush from affection to true attachment without ever really creating a two-way bond.
I contend that love is made of many parts, including feelings of affection and attachment. I also feel there will be elements of admiration and respect. The problem comes when we try too hard, and refuse to acknowledge disrespect or disinterest. No one is perfect, and we adapt to some interesting variations on ‘correct’ behavior and appearance and speech. So we will probably not be able to tell the difference between a growing love and a one-sided attachment. That is what friends are for, to help separate the delusions from the healthy accommodations.
So, yes, she fell in love with someone that didn’t feel the same way.