I’ve had my brush with a Mr Unavailable already – and it really broke my heart. I just want to learn the difference between the two situations and not jump to assigning the “emotionally unavailable” tag to a guy just because things don’t work out.
I really hope that I can learn the difference.
NML says: This is a bit of a grey area.
The type of guy that is described as emotionally unavailable tends to be habitually like this, irrespective of whether they profess to want to be with you or not. They are unable to access their emotions and will appear disconnected. Their words will not match their actions and they’ll blow hot and cold with you so that they keep control of the relationship and manage your expectations down over time. Because they blow hot initially, they give women like you a glimpse of what they could be if only they weren’t so screwed up. But they are what they are.
Mr Unavailables tend to have a multitude of obstacles that are ‘out of their control’ and prevent them from being available for relationship duty and eventually when they run out of excuses, YOU become the obstacle.
The difference between him and the other guy, is that the other guy breaks up and tends to stay broken up.
Mr Unavailable (emotionally unavailable men) can’t commit to being with you and they can’t commit to not being with you. If the guy pulled back and told you that he wants to break up because he didn’t see long term prospects, at least he has told you where you stand, which is more than what the average woman gets from a Mr Unavailable…
What you always have to lo ok at is:
1) The motives behind their actions (this is not always easy to identify)
2) How they have been in the relationship
3) What they do after they choose to break up
Breakups aren’t easy and men in particular have a habit of trying to avoid being the one to deal the blow to the relationship, for fear of being regarded as a bastard. They would rather behave like an assclown in the hope that we will get sick and tired and dump them. Or they withdraw.
Mr Unavailables have narcissistic tendencies. Much of what they do is one great big ego massage and they need attention from women. They always like to have a girl to fall back on and the prospect of being totally on their own without the possibility of swanning in and out of your life is a big struggle for them, which is why they don’t break up – they just disappear..blow cold, blow lukewarm, whatever, but they keep their options open.
If your guy has displayed any of the classic signs of emotional unavailability, then it is likely that this is him. If you can say that you’ve had a pretty normal relationship, that you yourself haven’t actively pursued and been with Mr Unavailables, and that things just haven’t worked out, then he’s not him.
We can’t regard every man that wants to break up with us as a bastard or emotionally unavailable. Yes they might well be one or both of these things, but if he is honest enough to tell you where you stand and has decided for whatever reason that the relationship isn’t working, that is his prerogative. It’s not nice, it’s not pleasant, but it’s real.
The proof will be in the pudding of what he does now that you are broken up. Mr Unavailables love to dip in and out of our lives. They like to call to see how we are, sniff around us looking for sex, make a lot of noises about how much they like us and how the timing was wrong and blah, blah, blah, and then go off again. They tend to be indecisive. Their actions rarely match their words and we will often end up being more miserable than we were before they came back into our life.
They key things that you should know for understanding whether you are in a relationship with good prospects:
Always know your red flags
Know how to spot emotionally unavailable men
Understand the hallmarks of how a relationship should be in the first three months
The difference between Mr Unavailable and the guy that just wants to break up? It’s a blurred line. Only you know whether you were with a Mr Unavailable in the first place, and once you know that, you have your answer.
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Thank you to the submitter of this question because it is something I have been wondering about for a long time. It’s great to receive the clarification / distinction.
I do think that any guy who breaks up by withdrawing, for whatever reason, is not man enough to do the right thing and end the relationship respectfully, which in my opinion, displays aspects of an EUM.
Basic decency and courtesy surely are traits of a man who is a good communicator; in touch with his emotions and thinks about the impact his actions may have on others.
NML,
Thanks again for answering my question and helping us to hold to a higher standard – that we shouldn’t settle for less than what we deserve. You are wonderful.
Candace – I’m glad my question has helped you as well.
Excellent question! This is one that I have pondered for awhile…it is really hard to tell the difference sometimes, cause Mr. Unavails can be really good at coming off as Mr. Sweet…kinda get drawn into the sudden sweetness and vulnerability when they make their pleas of incompetence in relationships. Which they all do, trying to make us ‘feel sorry for them’…pfffft.
Of course, we take the bait.
what’s that saying?
fool me once, shame on you
fool me twice, shame on me?
Been there. Oh god have I been there.
Again, good one!
Hey Gals,
You know what i say? what does it matter if he is a EUM or just doesn’t want to be with you long term. The guy is an idiot for seeing what a great girl you are .. and you need to move the heck onto someone who is going to appreciate you for who you are
I don’t what it is about the dating game. But we are always going after the guy that is unavailable?! LoL Like hello?! is there anybody home?
Do we not think that we deserve better? I think we need to stop eating the rotten fruit on the floor. Look up and pick the ripe fruit from the tree!!
We have way more self respect than to waste our time on boys that are not worth a second thought.
Because there are a million other guys out there, who are looking for a girl just like you and are prepared to give it there all in a relationship with you!
Hot Alpha Female
The guy is an idiot for NOT seeing what a great girl you are
hhehe sorry
Good words, Hot Alpha Female!
I recently broke up with what I believe to be an EUM 3 wks ago. Matter of fact I was so upset at him that I actually cursed him out. Haven’t heard from him since. Does this or could this mean he won’t contact me or at the very least try? These men are really pathetic.
Hot Alapha Female – you are right, it doesn’t really matter the reason, if a guy doesn’t want to be with you then forget about him. Why analyze it? I doubt these guys are spending this much time trying to analyze the women in their lives. They couldn’t care less! I think women should spend more time caring for themselves, learning about themselves and just concentrate on what they like doing. Then a good man will come along. A good relationship should be easy. If it is this difficult then it really isn’t worth it.
All the things described about EUM is soooo true!!!! I just recently broke up with one, who like you say, always had an excuse for us not to see each other that was ‘totally beyond his control’…..one in particular, was he had to work, and since we had conflicting work schedules, it only made it easier for him to continually postpone or all together not see each other. The last straw for me, was when he told me that he had been moved from the dayshift to the night shift and thus, it would be a struggle to meet everyday. I did not buy the story, so after work, i drove to his house, and sure enough, his car was parked outside….he was home!!!! I did not even bother to knock on his door, instead when i got on the highway, i texted him and asked him how work was going….he texted back that it sucked and he wished he was home…ha!!! I broke up with him two days later after letting him know that i knew he had been lying to me…..now i know what to look for, thanks to your very insightful information!!!!
One of the posts mentions when the guy breaks up with you he tells you why what if you were the one who ended the relationship for different reasons the main one being they were sleeping with other women that you knew nothing about. Do they still try to come back or if you told them you couldn’t see them anymore because of this do they stay away?
What if anything do these men do if you were the one to break things off because of their behavior.( sleeping with other women ). Do they still try to contact you?
Debbie, Don’t confuse the details (why you are breaking up) with the issues (you are breaking up). For everyone, change is painful, uncomfortable, scary. Men, women, children, everyone.
The issue: breaking up. Getting back together is almost always easier (less change) than finding a new partner. Notice how many times we take back an inappropriate partner? So making a real break, just letting go, takes more courage than trying to patch things up for the moment.
The details: why you broke up. Just about anything has been forgiven by someone at some time, from misunderstandings to horrible atrocities. Stuff happens. What you should consider each time you approach a reconciliation – getting back together – is the details. 1) Can you live with what happened; 2) Do you understand that if it happened once, it will likely happen again (anger, violence, cheating, withdrawal, sulking, etc.); 3) Do you benefit enough from staying together?
When you leave a job, job counselors warn about the ‘counteroffer’ – your current employer offers more salary, fix some condition, to get you to stay on. The problem is that if you agree, the employer wins – they get a leisurely period to transfer your skills and responsibilities to someone else, and replace you – you have just proved to them that you aren’t loyal to the company.
I have seen this in relationships – get back together long enough to tidy up finances, prepare for a final separation, maybe even find a replacement partner. Sometimes this is done deliberately, sometimes without even realizing it. A breakup proves that one of the people cannot be trusted to be loyal to the other. Maintaining respect and staying together long enough, and working hard enough, to re-earn the trust that was damaged is tough. You have to consider whether you might be doing something like this when getting back together – or whether he might be. This is a horrible trick to play on anyone, and does awful things your own character if you do it to someone.
You mentioned that when a guy breaks things off he often explains why. What he says might be true – or might not. But you can be about 99% sure that what he tells you isn’t the biggest reason for him. Don’t grab that one tidbit and think that is the only obstacle.
Will he try to contact you? Look at how many women have trouble sticking to the No Contact Rule the first time. Look at how many women admit that taking him back was a big mistake. It seems likely that he will contact you – it would be easier for him that letting you go.
You can agree with him on all the details, yes he is sorry, yes he understands how awful cheating is, yada, yada. Just stick to the issue – you broke up, he is no longer your partner, he has no right to any intimate thoughts or feelings from you. Forgive, and move on. And do forgive yourself, too.