Her Mr Unavailable works in the same company, has two kids (16 and 18) and used to tell her that he loved her but that he didn’t want to waste her time because he knew that she wanted more than he could give. He was telling her all of this while still contacting his ex-girlfriend and he sent text messages to the ex the week after he broke up with Ashley also claiming that he loved her too.
Recently she went to the bar where she knows he hangs (he tends to hang out in the bar alone, texting and emailing) and he was happy to see her. The attraction was still strong between them and for the last half hour they were holding hands.
“I did tell him I missed him. He said, ‘How could you miss me after how I treated you?’ I said it was complicated and at the end of the day I clarified that what I missed were the good times. I was hoping that maybe he missed me enough to think that having a healthy, real relationship with me might not be so bad. But – he still is not interested in it.
He came out with the ‘I am very attracted to you’, ‘It’s not you – it’s me’, ‘I am very guarded and distracted right now’, ‘You are great, you are sexy, pretty, nice, fun – but I know you want more and I can’t give you what you want’ (a lot of this came out over email after I left the bar).”
How does she feel knowing this?
“That’s what is confusing me. I feel actually pretty good about it all. I know that he hasn’t changed. Of course I know that people don’t change unless they truly want to change. I guess I just thought maybe he might miss me enough to want to reconsider being in a relationship with me. It’s so hard for me to get my head around why he wouldn’t want to be with me when we have such a strong attraction and get along so well. But – he doesn’t. And I think I should believe him when he says, it’s not me – it’s him, because – it really NEVER was about me. It was always about him and what he wanted at the time and it was NEVER about, How can I make Ashley happy? or, Man, I really upset Ashley, I should tell her I am sorry or I need to not do that anymore, or I need to make it up to her. It was always – Why does she have to yell at me when she is upset?, Why does she want to change me? I have to focus on building my business, blah, blah, blah. Even though he acted like a complete buffoon most of the time, he was very good at playing victim when I would stand up for myself and he would never accept responsibility or apologise. All I wanted was to be treated right and he always fell short – and at the end of the day, that killed it for me.”
Ashley recognises that he won’t change and that he may even be involved with someone else and believes that she has gotten a level of closure. On the other hand she feels the attraction between them both but knows that she can’t act on it. They will only meet randomly and if she wants to see him, she would have to seek him out like she did at the bar. “He would never find me or venture out of his life to secure time with me.”
So here is her dilemma: “How am I supposed to process these feelings? On one hand – I saw him for what he was – at that true self is someone with whom I do not want a romantic relationship.
How am I supposed to remember him? I am tired of hating him. I am tired of loving him. But – he’s still on my mind and I just don’t know what to do with the thoughts. I guess I just need to live life, stay healthy, focus on my friends and move on. I guess I am just confused because I am not hopeful of a reconciliation, yet I am not torn apart in anguish, yet I have a sort of good feeling toward him right now. Is that wrong?
*********************
Ashley, what you are experiencing is not unusual. You are a woman that loves emotionally unavailable men which means that even though they are responsible for the source of much of your angst, on the same level they appear to be the source of your highs, even if they are fleeting. Much like childbirth, you seem to have distanced yourself from the agony and ambiguity of being with him and now you are to an extent, romantacising the connection that you think you have with him and thinking about how it could be if he was X, Y, and Z. In childbirth, forgetting the pain is perfectly fine as you have something wonderful to reward you at the end of it and you can go through it again. With Mr Unavailables though, you’d do well to get real and stop throwing yourself into harm’s way.
The only way you can process your feelings is by 1) being real and staying real about who he is and 2) getting real with yourself. Your feelings for him are tied up in your lack of feelings for yourself. You would not invest so much time and emotion in an emotionally unavailable man if your self-esteem were better. You say you want more than you know that he can give and what he says that he can give, yet your actions are in conflict. If you want a man that accepts responsibility for his actions, is thoughtful, doesn’t talk about his needs, his problems, his feelings, his world, and is present and accountable for the relationship, you are barking up the wrong tree. You want to know how to remember him?
Remember him as the emotionally unavailable man that he is. Remember him as selfish. Remember him as being liberal with the term “love” but deficient of the actions to go with it. Remember him as a user. Remember him as somebody who needs the attention from lots of women. Remember him as the man that told you he loved you and then told his ex the same thing a week later. Remember him as the man who cannot give you what you want and has told you that point blank. Remember that he is incapable of having a healthy relationship and no matter how much you try to make a silk purse out of a pig’s ear, he doesn’t want to change.
You’re not tired of loving him and because you don’t have a high enough regard for yourself, you don’t think of him negatively enough despite a multitude of evidence that shows that you should.
Mr Unavailables are all about themselves. When he tells you that it’s not you, it’s him, this is mostly true. But if you track him to the bar where you know he hangs, focus on the attraction which is actually built on 1) knowing you can’t have him and 2) him knowing that you really want him, it’s dysfunctional and his idea of loving you is far from enough.
Attraction does not a relationship make. Attraction only means something if it accompanies all of the things that are a foundation for a healthy relationship with the prospect to develop.
You’re mistaken in holding on to good feelings about him, especially when this creating bad feelings towards you. Let go. Walk away and cold turkey it out. Start addressing why you can’t move on from him and why you pursue men that are incapable of giving you relationships and why you think about being with them even when you’re out on dates. If you want this guy it is because on some level you don’t actually want a proper, bonafide relationship. Ask yourself why you keep chasing a man that falls short.
Think about your past history and ask yourself if there is a pattern and what it is – e.g. emotionally unavailable men. Do they all give you the same excuses? Separated? Married? Basically come up with a list.
Evaluate where your interest in these men stems from. You choose partners like him because they reflect negative things that you believe about yourself. On some level, you believe that this is all you’re worth. Why?
Take a break from dating because you need to separate how you feel about life and yourself from the men or lack of them in your life. There is no point in dating if you’re fantasising about old times. You can’t possibly enjoy the date and it just gives you a reason to think that you should return to people from your past.
I’m not asking you to hate the guy. I’m asking you to get real about his behaviour and what that means to you and the possibility of a relationship, and use that information to move forward. He’s shown and told you all that you need to know. Let go. That is what closure is about. Accept the short term pain because it does pass. Drop this guy out of your life because if you don’t, you will always be in limbo and you won’t gain closure.
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Ok – thanks NML. I was hoping that I had worked through that stuff already as I just came off of a dating hiatus and long period of introspection about my dating patterns. I do think that “low self esteem” comes into play with my pattern but I’d been really working to address that issue.
I think my relapse was mainly due to holiday sentimentality and my tendency to hang on for too long. Hanging on too long to the person that I thought he was, not the person he really is. I saw that “true” person the other night, and now I am happy walking away from him forever.
Also, the date I was on where I was thinking of him – the guy I was with was truly a lunatic. So, I think, for now at least, I will continue my dating. If I find myself attracted to another “Mr. Unavailable” – I’ll stop dead in my tracks for more introspection.
Best –
Ashley
Ashley, the analogy that comes to mind probably reeks of ‘guy stuff’, but give me a moment.
Say you are going to look for a new car. A sports car, a station wagon, a pickup to haul horse feed, whatever. Only you spot this AMC Gremlin, and thing, “Wow! I love that color green!” And all you can think of is the green color of that Gremlin.
Your guy gave you some happy times. Fond memories are what make life worth living. But you realize you need more than fond memories, you need a partner, a companion.
So the first part is to learn what character is. What good, strong character is. Honesty, honor, integrity, discipline, is good with children and animals. Has good, strong family bonds and close friendships. You had a shot at being the one person in this guy’s life to form a strong personal bond with – and that didn’t work too well, did it?
So the first step is to learn to recognize and value character – then spend your time with people of good character. For several reasons. One is that you want a partner with good character – and the chances will be better in a community of people with good character. Another reason is that you want to be known as having good character, and being identified with a crowd of people of good character is a good way to attract people attracted to someone of good character. Yet another reason is to practice interacting with people of good character – the feedback helps everyone stay on the straight and narrow.
Hint: There is a difference between humor and joy. Humor has an element of pain, of ridicule. Learn to find and accept joy, and avoid humor. Similarly, excitement has an element of fear or danger. Instead, seek out things to enjoy. It may be more mundane, less ‘exciting’, but you have a better chance to enjoy things without stumbling over the danger and fear.
Don’t plan on talking to anyone in a bar that you don’t arrive with. And don’t stay long enough to bore your designated driver.
Next step is easy. Let your married friends know you want a good companion. Start the description with character, and end before you get to hair and eyes. Personally, I like a smile, an appreciation for joy and not given to humor.
Use dating to confirm a potential mate. Use friends and family, first, to confirm his reputation, his character, and his availability. Definitely introduce to friends before getting intimate. You want a social and family companion, not a bed partner, at least that seems to be your complaint about this current guy. Keep that in mind.
The fact that you feel amorous around this guy is good. Once you identify what you really need – an honest man – you should have an easier time relating to good prospects, and you will have less use for distractions – like a happy guy in a bar.
You didn’t mention his drinking habits. I have found that alcoholics are incapable of telling the truth. They don’t lie, so much as just cannot tell the truth. Alcoholics describe a drunk as when the drinking affects the family – and you mentioned his ex. And the bar that he hangs out at.
NML’s advice is great. I just get there from a different direction. Do keep in mind, that getting from here to there is a big change, and change is measured in pain. Best of luck to all of you.
Agree, all is very good advice. Thank you both very much and here’s to keeping real and to change!
Ashley
“There is a difference between humor and joy. Humor has an element of pain, of ridicule.”
That is an extremely narrow definition of humour – you’re actually talking about a very specific brand of humour that includes sarcasm, and is funny at the expense of others. The definition of humor is:
“a comic, absurd, or incongruous quality causing amusement” or “the faculty of perceiving what is amusing or comical”
Certainly humour has become a lot sharper over the years, but there is plenty of gentle humour out there – just watch some old films.
Joy is something else completely: “a state of happiness or felicity”. It goes far beyond humour in definition, and actually goes far beyond happiness – it is a mindset that underpins everything else; it’s a deep current that runs beneath everything else that is going on in our life.
I understand your point and it’s a good one, but I would use “exclusively sharp/sarcastic wit” vs “genuine humour and an ability to laugh at himself”. One of the key characteristics of emotionally unavailable men I’ve found is the inability to laugh at themselves because they’re so deeply wounded and insecure.
So actually, I’d argue that a sense of humour and and ability to laugh at oneself is a huge check in the positive column.
Izzy,
I don’t know if I can agree with the need for a sense of humor. And I think, especially in the old films, there is the ridicule – pratfalls, the buffoon, what we have today in jokes about blondes, ethnic jokes, jokes about Clinton (either one) and other political jokes. Humor is a way of twisting pain or ridicule in a clever manner. The clever manner is then appreciated, but the presence of humor requires an eye for the absurd – the object of ridicule – or the painful.
I suppose if I had to choose arrogance, an eye for the absurd and painful, with an eye to asserting superiority, vs. ‘sense of humor’, an eye for the absurd and painful with an eye to twisting the superior feeling in a clever manner, then the sense of humor is probably preferable.
But you still have someone invested in a sense of superior status. And watching for evidence of pain and humiliation (feelings and signs of being inferior).
I would rather have a partner that pays attention to the needs of those around them, and is most concerned with where they could help, either in leading the way to improved conditions or supporting others.
For now the definition my friend gave me, that humor is based on pain, seems sufficient for my needs.
The problem with a sense of humor is that it grows old – the entertainment value exhausts the freebie sources of ridicule, and eventually gets around to things that are immediately and personally painful. Even watching someone make fun of themselves eventually gets past amusement to an awareness of shortcomings, or their lack of regard for virtues. It gets painful to watch – why do you think ‘entertainment’ comedians have fairly short routines – it is *tough* carrying shtick for long periods of time, even for professionals.
Besides, the ‘clever twist’ to looking at pain and ridicule is a deceptive view point. That can get in the way of expressing emotions in a straightforward, honest manner.
And, no, I am not specifically thinking the Rodney Dangerfield or Jeff Foxworthy or Don Rickles version of ‘humor’. Sure, I can be amused by comedy and humor, but I wouldn’t invite Joan Rivers, Gina Davis (‘Earth Girls Are Easy’ movie), or Ellen DeGeneres home with me.
In defense of Humour.
A sense of humour can help overcome tough times or simply lighten up an argument. I agree with Izzy that saying that humour is pain and ridicule is a narrow definition. Some kinds of humour, sarcasm or ridicule, will hurt, but there is a lot of good and healthy humour out there! I can remember many times when I was low and so involved in my own stuff, then a friend said something funny and suddenly I had a big laugh and my problems seemed less serious. Humour can bring people together, not just act as a separation between superior and inferior beings. I don’t believe that it gets old, apart from when you keep repeating the same joke. Of course every aspect of a personality can have its good and bad points – ultimately it is down to personal taste and what works for you. Somebody can pay attention to people’s needs and at the same time have a sense of humour, why would these two things not be compatible?
Nada,
I mentioned humor and excitement, joy and satisfaction, to focus on a need to change.
Yes, someone can pay attention to those around them, and have a sense of humor, too. And a friend that smokes can be handy when you want a candle lighted.
Joy!
I’ve finally discovered a picture that explains what being addicted to Mr Unavailable feels like…hope you like it, NML:
http://i19.photobucket.com/albums/b155/august_rose_86/lolcats/7c615c621e792eee459d08b4a3bf6e12bf3.jpg
Iz x
That was hilarious Izzy! I must send that to my friends and I’ll feature the link tomorrow! Thanks for sharing x
Love the picture of the cat. One of the many things I am learning from this website is that I am not alone in my affliction of falling for unavailable men. One male friend of mine would always say to me, “you sure know how to pick ’em”. I’d always retort, “no, they pick me!”. Now – I think he is right.
Anyway, I have started seeing another guy. It is very early days but there is a red flag in that he is separated and going through the divorce paperwork now. He’s been separated for about three years and swears he is emotionally over it. He says he’s been dating since the separation.
I’m getting to know him and we are moving very slowly (no sex). Right now, I am just going to hold back and let him make the next move, initiate the next date. He truly is a good guy and on our last date we spent the whole night just talking, laughing and holding hands. We seem to be very compatible personality wise.
However, knowing my pattern, and knowing he divorce isn’t final yet, I am hesitant and cautious.
My friends say that he seems to be very respectful and the whole thing sounds positive. They agree that I should allow him to initiate for the next date.
BUT – given my pattern, and from everything I’d read on this site – part of me wonders if I should high tail it out of there and spend some more time being introspective about myself, my life and my pattern. If low self esteem is an issue (and I am not sure if it is), perhaps just taking a few months to ensure it’s healthy and high wouldn’t hurt (as NML suggests).
As for the ex – I don’t remember him fondly any longer. It was funny – he approached me at our company’s holiday party last week. His whole manner I found a bit revolting. Couldn’t really look me in the eye for very long, poor posture, over bearing manner. I’m positive I am over him.
Thanks for everyone’s advice.
Brad K.,
I love your advice! Hey, are you available??? Hehe. j/k. kind of. 😉 You bring such a great perspective to the situation though, I like your attitude.
Thanks – however I always sound more sure of myself and my situation when I write. Knowing what to do and actually doing it can be two separate things! However, I am quite happy with my life right now and I am resolute to do everything in my power not to drag myself through another bad “relationship” scenario.
A
Hey there girl,
Well i feel your pain, coz it totally sucks falling for a guy that is emotionally unavailable. One of the ironic things as to why we are so attracted to them is because they are so unavailable.
The truth of the matter is, that you have to stop spending any time in contact with him. Get rid of his number, get rid of his emails, get rid of anything that allows you to contact him. I know it hard but i would say, write him out of your life and start focusing more on what you want out of life. Spend more time on doing things that you love doing, rather than pining over someone who can never give you what you want.
Once you accept that things can never be how you want with him and you finally give up on that small hope, then getting over him will be easy peasy.
But i understand its hard. Its kind of like breaking up with someone. The accepting part is always the hardest.
None the less you sound like a great gal, and im sure heaps of other guys who will treat you the way that you deserve to be treated and who are AVAILABLE!
Hope that helps =)
Hot Alpha Female
http://www.hotalphafemale.blogspot.com
Hey, as someone who is going through something quite similar to Ashley, and who ponders and processes things to a degree most people don’t understand, I have a kind of different idea about why a person has trouble thinking “negatively enough” about someone they were deeply in love with. For me, its that love “blinds” us, just exactly so that we can see the best that a person is and can be…because that’s what its supposed to do. Not always necessarily because the other person will “step up” to our vision, although they might, but because we “step up” ourselves in being able to look at a flawed human being with those eyes, which even helps us. I realize its a very spiritual point of view and yes, the downside is that it can make processing these situations very difficult. My Mr. Unavailable was an old friend, who spent 5 years telling me how much he wanted me, only to turn around and start running in circles once he got me. Though eventually he got into therapy to try to address things, it turned out he had quite a bit of baggage to unpack, and not always the strength to open the luggage. The bitter end was, as usual, after we had just spent a beautiful vacation together where we’d gotten the closest we ever were. Then, suddenly, an email breakup and minimal contact for the past 5 months, during which I turned 40. He’s even encouraged me to go out with other men, “because I have so much to offer,” and I assume to assuage his guilt because he’s probably dating someone else.
So one part of me, wants some kind of justice, some kind of acknowledgment of what an absolute shit he was, and the other part, wants to find a way through this without needing to hate him or label him as “unsalvageable.” Not because my self esteem is low, but because, I don’t want to engage anything but the highest energy I have. I admit, this is not the easiest path; I get going for a while and then I hit a bump and I get very dark and sad. Cigarettes. Its always been a hard thing for me to get over someone who really gets in there and I still think he’s crazy for this, but I have to deal with reality.
15 years ago I went through a breakup that was almost the same as this one, and 5 years ago the guy came back to tell me that I’d never know how much he regretted it, that he’d never met anyone like me again. He ran out and married someone who raked him over the coals and then it hit him. Unfortunately, not in time for us.
Anyway just wanted to contribute a slightly less self-judgmental point of view. Maybe the problem is you’re a beautiful person with a pure heart and the universe is removing what no longer adds to your life for you.
Thanks Jennifer. It astounds me how many people go through similar things with similar men. These guys don’t deserve any more of our time or mental energy. I agree that I was in love with all of his good traits and the person I wanted him to be.
But – he wasn’t that person.
He was, as NML and others have suggested – a user that is totally self centered on his own needs. He does not act with any consideration of the effect that his words and actions (or inactions more often) will have on others – namely me or any woman with whom he is involved.
I am absolutely resolute not to spend any more time or waste any more mental energy on him – or any other guy that does not want to date me in the proper – traditional way. Only then, after I get to know the person, and decide if I like him – will I even consider thinking I am in a relationship with that person.
Sorry you went through a similar thing as me. Good luck with finding something worthy of you!
Ashley
I was just dumped by a guy that seems like an EUM. He was my best friend for years. We have been going out 1.5 years. He have been able to connect on so many levels except that he cant connect emotionally. He is scared of intimacy. I really love him and care about him. He said it was over and never bothered to call back to check if I was ok. It has been a month now, I have not called either. But I am still not over it and fell really sad sometimes. How do I get over it. It just seemed perfect till we broke up. he says I am the perfect girl for him but he does not want to hurt me