Asking 'why her instead of me' when they've mistreated you, is like wondering why you can't remain signed up to pain“I met a guy at work, who at the time had a long distance relationship going on for five years. We somehow started talking at work and soon, we were instant messaging all day long.

At the beginning, I had no feelings for him. He was just a cool guy at work that I started talking to, but slowly, it turned into something. He showered me with attention, we started eating lunch every day, walking to and from work (1 hour walks each way). It seemed that we could not get enough of each other’s company.

Then it turned into physical, very slowly, until we were totally and completely involved. By this time, his girlfriend had moved here and they lived together, but he continued to text me all the time, he called me while he was on vacation with his friends, we made date night plans, and ate out at nice restaurants all the time.

I knew it was wrong, and that it had to stop, but he was this addicting drug to me. It also didn’t help that I was falling in love with him, and it was the first time I had ever fallen in love with anyone.

His relationship with his girlfriend was odd. He slept on the couch, they never went out, and to this day, I don’t even know what she looks like. When we would start talking about “us”, he would tell me that he was really confused and that if things were different, he would be dating me. But he kept saying how long they had been dating and ending a relationship like that was so difficult…. so I waited ….and waited.

It was at this time that things were slowly unraveling between us. I was becoming more and more jealous, insecure, needy and dependent. He was becoming more distant. We still talked every day because we worked together, but there was a definite change. We seemed to get into fights a lot. Mostly because I wanted more, and he felt that anytime he talked to me, I would make him feel like shit.

Then one day, I found out he was starting to talk to another girl at work.

I confronted him about it and he denied it, but I could see it with my own eyes. The most painful part was seeing him do the same thing he did with me, with her. The instant messaging all day long, the stories, the jokes etc.

I had thought I was special, but now it didn’t seem so.


Basically, that went on for weeks as I stupidly was continuing to hook up with him, thinking that would win him. I was heartbroken, and things came to a head at work as everyone soon found out about us. He was so angry at me for telling my friends at work about us that he stopped talking to me. That was honestly the lowest two months of my life. But I had incredibly supportive friends and a therapist and I tried to go about it in the right way.

I was starting to get over him, very slowly, then one day, I got an email from him saying how sorry he was that he turned his back on his “best friend”, but not one mention of his hurtful behaviour in regards to the new girl.

At this point, he’d broken up up with his girlfriend, and he told me the reason he started talking to the new girl was because he needed to get away from that relationship, and that in a way, I was part of that old relationship.

So, he reached out to me, and I finally let him have it. I let everything out – I told him he was manipulative, mean, and hurtful. I told him that I was over him (which was just a survival tactic on my part), that I would never be able to trust him, and that I was too good for him. He apologized and told me all he wanted was his best friend back. For some reason, I forgave him. He is now dating the new girl, of which he now complains to me about. I know he is very toxic for me, but for some reason, I can’t say no to him. Recently, we were commuting home from work together, and we ended up hooking up again (I know, very bad of me!). Basically, this very long explanation leads me to my question.

I can’t get past it and I’ve asked everyone, including my therapist. So, how was he able to date someone else less than 2 months after his breakup and not me? He would not break up with his girlfriend for me, but said he would date me if they weren’t together. But then they break up, and he can’t date me because “it’s too soon”. This question has made me lose what little self esteem I had; it made me question my entire being.

Was I not pretty enough, good enough, smart enough?


He has recently told me that he is still not over me and he tells me how great and how beautiful I am, but if he means this, then why did he not choose me? I know I would not want to be chosen, as he has proved himself to be a liar and a cheat, and being his gf means being screwed over but I can’t get that question out of my head.

The good news is that my last week at my job is next week, and in a perfect world, I would leave and never talk to him again. But in reality, I know that will be the hardest thing, even though I know he is self involved, manipulative, and emotionally and physically unavailable (and it doesn’t help I live 3 doors away from him).”

Natalie says: The key thing when you meet someone and contemplate embarking on a relationship is registering red flags (code amber and red issues) and doing something with the information. The key information that screams red alert is the fact that he was in a long-distance relationship for five years.

Who the frick does long distance for five years? This guy is on some sort of serious avoidance trip!

Now what is clear is that this man is a classic Mr Unavailable. He clearly had commitment issues with his flimsy relationship, he was hot out the gate in pursuit, doing the build up through talking and instant messaging, (intensity isn’t the same as intimacy), and suddenly slipping into your life.

Many women say that their emotionally unavailable man’s pursuit was subtle and that it just ‘somehow’ happened but it is part of their M.O.

They turn up the attention and draw you in, creating the illusion of a false connection, which in turn makes you believe that you’ve met this amazing guy, who is your soulmate because he appears to say and do all of the right things.

Now what I don’t understand is that for his girlfriend to move in with him, this must have meant a serious shift in the dynamic of the relationship, a push for further commitment and to take the relationship in the right direction, but the fact that this guy was pursuing you and then sleeping with you even though she had already made the move, shows that this guy had no intentions of being committed to this woman or to you.

This guy had no intention of being committed to this woman or to you.


He was trying to avoid the reality of what was happening with her and you’ve essentially been used as a diversion and a stepping stone.

Ending a five-year relationship is difficult but one of the things that people do with extended long-distance relationships is that they rationalise it somewhere in their mind that it’s not like a ‘real’ relationship because they aren’t together all the time, but on the other hand, they find it difficult to let go of the person because they have something (and someone) to fall back on.

Your guy is a classic Mr Unavailable, narcissistically inclined and in need of attention all the time. He will have loved having you falling for him and being taken in by him.

Truth be told, you don’t really know how his relationship was with his girlfriend.

Do you have any idea how many men come out with crap like, “I don’t sleep with her” or “We don’t share a bed – she sleeps on the sofa”?

Even if what he’s saying is true, all it does is cement the fact that this guy and the relationships that he engages in are odd and dysfunctional. The whole timing and different situation thing is bullshit.

Timing is what the emotionally unavailable man uses to hide away from committing to you or taking action.


The ‘situation’ thing is a flimsy excuse because it is what it is. You’re not in Back To The Future, you can’t turn back time, and if he knows that he can’t be more, why is he messing with you?

I noted that you live three doors from him – are you sure that this girl even existed?

Whatever he had going with her when she was living with him, must have been a very covert operation!

The danger with being taken in by a man like this is that you start to believe that you’re irresistible and that he just has to be with you and that that’s why he’s doing what he’s doing with you.

He’s actually doing it because he’s a user and he can’t commit to anything, which means he can’t commit to being with you (or her) and he can’t commit to not being with you.


What he did at work was very brazen and shocking.

It was incredibly disrespectful but I doubt that he even recognises how his behaviour actually is or how it’s perceived.

I sense that him being with her may actually be a result of being inadvertently out in the open. He can’t be covert about it and he’s probably telling himself that he’s not as dishonest as his peers may perceive him, because, “Look, I’m going out with this one in the open!”.

All of this competing for his attention, whether it was with the ex or the current girl, must be exhausting. You may feel that by getting him that you would win, but actually you are losing.

He is devaluing you with his behaviour and trying to compete and ‘convince and convert him’ naturally affects your self-esteem. It must have been soul-destroying to witness his behaviour, confront him about it, and have him choose to be with the other girl, and my heart goes out to you.

This is not about her, or you; it’s about him.


He operates in a certain way and right now, whatever she is doing allows him to be his usual dishonest, emotionally unavailable self.

You already know that all is not well in that garden because he is slagging her off to you.

It’s not about her looks, her figure, her brains, or how well she sexes him or whatever.

Part of him being with the current woman may be about proving to others and himself that he is capable of being honest and engaging in a normal relationship, but he’s not.

He’s still emotionally unavailable and he’s still lying.

I suspect that you and this girl are just two of many girls that he has been with in this manner – the pursuing, showering with attention, the so-called friendship, and I doubt that either of you will be the last.

You expected more because you felt like you had fallen for him but you must realise that when you have relationships with men like this, it is like self-sabotage. You are in a situation that goes against everything that you profess to want and all he’ll think is that he has bitten off more than he can chew.

At the end of the day, you did the right thing by telling him to take a run and jump and the fact that he’s taken up with someone else doesn’t really mean anything in the grander scheme of things.

This man needs attention and doesn’t actually care about the women he’s involved with.

You may represent the idea that you’ll expect more from him and to be fair, even if you fancy him, on some level, you actually know what he’s really like. His latest victim has no clue and he gets his fix of attention and she doesn’t realise that he’ll start under-delivering on her expectations and his promises all too soon.

And now for the brutal honesty: this guy is not your friend.

Stop listening to his shite and certainly don’t allow him to moan to you about his current girlfriend.

Stop competing for his crap attention and realise that when you involve yourself with a man like this, it’s out of a lack of self-love.


Somewhere within, you don’t think you’re worthy of something better than a man who throws you some crumbs.

You are seeking out relationships that reflect what you believe about yourself and this man is using you. Little do you realise, but he has you pegged as a Fallback Girl. He’ll probably try to start sleeping with you again soon, so you’d only end up playing second fiddle again.

Chalk up the ‘accidental’ booty call as a slip up and put yourself on mega lockdown.

He is toying with you and literally taking you for a ride.

All the stuff he’s saying to you is giving you just enough to keep you invested. He needs to feel that you want him… even though in reality he doesn’t want you. What’s his excuse now? He hasn’t got five years or ‘it’s complicated’ to fall back on this time. His new relationship is barely out of the gate!

Don’t try to rationalise why her and not you, because with these men, there is no logic or reason to fully satisfy you and Mr Unavailables tend to be with women that make it easy for them to be themselves. At the end of the day, do you really need to know why a lying, cheating, deceiving, weak, morally lacking man, chose someone else instead of you? It sounds like you’ve had a lucky escape.

When you leave your job, leave him behind and reconnect with yourself. Move if you have to, but cut off contact! Don’t expend anymore time on this guy and don’t give yourself to men that don’t deserve it. You are so much better than this — you just need to start believing it.




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