Megan asks “I always thought I was such an intelligent woman with an astounding amount of common sense, until reading Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl.
Is it normal to want revenge on “my” assclown?
I work with him, so we have contact all day long. I want to expose him somehow, some way. After putting “2 and 2” together, I think (know) he’s cheating on me and his wife.
Sometimes I feel like I’m starting to go off the deep end and want to follow him or have one of my friends spy on him. If I could just know for a fact that he is shagging someone else besides me and his wife, I feel that it might finally get me to the “absolutely pissed off” stage I need to be at to push him out of my life. He’s quite the charmer and I am starving for attention so it’s always back and forth with him. Story is waaaaayyyyy too long to go into detail but right now I’m feeling extremely pathetic and want revenge. Any advice would be very much appreciated.”NML says: Well I think with these men, many of us have had moments or periods of fury where we want to make them pay but I wouldn’t recommend it. You’re going through the anger stage where you have seen him for what he is and no doubt seeing him at work only suffices to ignite it.
The things you’re thinking about doing, if you did them, would not only fail to make you feel any better but, were he to find out about anything you were doing, he would be able to justify his own behaviour and write you off as a psycho. Is this how you want to be regarded?
The things that you’re thinking about, whilst they may seem tempting and you may think that they will prove a point, they are only going to prove the wrong points.
He is already cheating…on his wife…and this in itself is one massive assclown black mark against him and should be enough in itself to dump him. If he has the capacity to cheat on his wife, he has the capacity to cheat on you, and actually, regardless of how you may see it, it’s only the wife he has any responsibility to.
If you suspect he is shagging around on you and his wife, then again, your next action isn’t to look for a way to exact revenge – you should be looking to get the hell out of this relationship. You have enough there to be angry on without you having to catch him in the act or hide on street corners in a wig and a mac keeping tabs on him. The fact that you’re even seriously thinking about doing these things is a sign that things have gone too far and that you need to step waaaay back and cut off contact and deal with your feelings and anger.
You may not think you’re at the anger stage but you are – you’re just playing it out in a different way and thinking about doing irrational things.
If you are starving for attention this in itself is a huge sign that you need to work on this attention seeking and learning to like and love yourself rather than being with a man that starves you of attention and shags you, shags his wife, and then shags someone else. He’s pathetic – don’t sink to his level.
Recommended Reading: 30 Days of Drama Reduction and Coping With Break Up Drama in the Workplace.
My new book How to Lose an Assclown in 90 Days is due out soon but if you want to get ahead on understanding waste of space men, there is also my ebook, Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl. Find out more and download.
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I don’t know how any one else feels but Megan I can relate. I just finished saying to someone last night that I have never had such horrible revenge fantasies and dreams of just walking up and punching someone in the face like I do regarding my EUM.
I have felt crazy! I acted a bit crazy at the end… there was no punching or stalking, but there were a lot of calls and emails telling him how infuriated I was with him. As NML says he actually word for word said my behaviour was only reinforcing his decision to break up with me in his head. I actually listened to that and blamed myself for our failed relationship.
All I can say from experience is any contact I have made since this has ended has been detrimental to my mental health. You might “think” it will bring some closure but it only fuels the fire in some way.
As for the anger you are feeling Megan, I totally get it. Something about the way these men treated us, the roller coaster ride, leaves us feeling emotionally unstable at the end. So try and let those revenge fantasies go they are only a continued part of the toxic relationship you were in.
Megan, anger isn’t rational – that is, it isn’t something we consciously decide to feel. Asking whether the anger you feel is normal is, in some ways, a silly question. Your situation is the one you are in, and you waste your energy trying to decide if you should feel anger and want revenge, based on what others do or have done. Your feelings are your own, they come from your own needs, and from your own understanding and your own experiences. I guess in that sense your feelings are normal, for you.
But.
The other part of the question – should you act on them – I think is a resounding “no” for several reasons. No matter what others, or even lots of others may feel or say or plan or do, there are consequences.
For one thing, once you take back control of your life, you will bear responsibility for any harmful acts, even if no one else ever finds out. You will know. When we harm someone, accidentally or deliberately, it changes us. Whether we take responsibility for those acts will change us, too. We can sometimes make amends for the harm we do, we can sometimes apologize, we can always strive to never do harmful things again – but we can’t escape or undo what we have done. Acting out revenge always harms someone, and *binds* us to those we harm for even longer. What you need is healing and that gets even more complicated if you have to *hold on* to your anger at him, to keep justifying your revenge to yourself. What you need is an end to the relationship, as a first step in protecting yourself from further harm, and to prepare for a happier life.
Which means you have to discover for yourself all the things that are making you angry, and defusing them. Hate and anger bind you to him – you have to let go, forgive your feelings and often forgive him, to end the emotional attachment. That will come in time. What is important now is not to let the bindings get any more complicated.
You are not his Mommy. You don’t have legal custody for him. You have no *right* to “teach” him anything. What he learns is his responsibility, not yours. Since he is not your child, you have no right or responsibility for his “lessons” – which is what revenge is usually about. Teaching the object of your rage the consequences of hurting you. Only we don’t control what other (don’t) learn. So your revenge would be, to him, just an attack, an act of violence. The law, your co-workers, your friends and family, and you will all know that you are affected by that act of violence even if they don’t learn about the specific revenge (and they will). And you will be acting in a violent way – further complicating any healing you need to do, to get past this bozo. Acquiring a habit for acting violently is not a good way to begin a happier life.
Since Bozo keeps cheating and cheating – repeatedly with you, on his marriage, and likely with others – he is really unlikely to learn anything constructive if you act out or confront him or interfere in his life. Which means that you cannot accomplish anything constructive, no matter what you do. At this point revenge, feelings of anger, or even continuing the relationship is throwing good money after bad. You know better now, and the best you could possibly hope for is to live a happier life. And that will *not* happen with him around. The only thing that you can do that won’t hurt you more, that will let you get started on a happier life, is to let this clown go. Completely.
Note that nothing he says or does changes the fact that he cheated on his wife. Even if he left her, he would still be skilled at winning bed partners and will keep practicing. And he would still be content with lying and cheating (as he did with his wife), with playing fast and loose with the truth, with manipulating people, etc., etc. He will remain a hazard and a harm to those in his life.
Tell him, at work, you realize how morally wrong it is for you to participate in his legal, spiritual, and moral adultery, and you no longer consider him a suitable companion. If he persists at work, be ready to report him for sexual harassment at work – to your supervisor, then to HR. Keep it discrete unless someone fails to take you seriously about inappropriate behavior at work. You are always allowed to say no.
Brad… you are right. I did some horrible things at the end thinking they would bring me closure but it’s been awful. I only carry around the knowledge now that I can never be this person’s friend and in losing them permanently, it has in face left a greater scar than had I taken time to process and heal.
I have a permanent mark of regret for the things I did and said and it’s hard knowing that I wish I had done things differently. I think about trying to apologize, start letters and emails but know that I can only let go now and forgive myself.
Megan, you might feel really angry right now but with time when some of that subsides you can at least be proud of yourself and the way you dealt with it. If you make a mess of things it only makes the healing process a much longer one because now you have to forgive him and yourself.
I got really mad about being played by my EUM and blew the whistle on him to the other girl he was messing around with – knowing that he would find out and cut me off, but also with the hope that she would dump him too. He basically went off on me and told me I was a “freak” and now they are together. It got totally ugly, and I didn’t even get what I wanted out of it – for her to dump his ass and for him to be left alone. I can see that she obviously has some serious issues, too, probably even bigger than mine because she is somehow ok with the “real” him, but I’m sure my revenge just brought them closer together in the end. I’ve got to go with NML on this one – it’s not only not worth it and won’t make you feel better, it will just make you look like a desperate psycho and he’ll use it as a reason to talk you down to everyone, or even worse – tell everyone how dumb you are and that you are still oh so in love with him and laugh about breaking your heart.
Dazedandconfused, I think about trying to apologize, too. And I, like you, think it stems from realizing that I can never be this person’s friend and the finality of that, because I am pretty good friends with some of my (normal) ex boyfriends. But you know what? I keep reminding myself on my stronger, better days that this person never really WAS my friend – he was not out there to meet someone that he could have a friendship with, he was looking for another lay because he probably had a vacancy, and now that I’m gone it’s time to track down the next victim. Think about the people that really ARE your friends, the ones you would really be devastated about losing – you didn’t forge those friendships like you did with him. This “friendship” was based on a person that actually doesn’t exist, because the nice guy you fell for was just an act – just a guy blowing hot. My best friends – men and women – and I have each other’s best interests in our hearts and do what it takes to keep the friendship alive – giving and taking equally. Guys like this have no idea what that means. This is not a friend – never was, never will be.
Rise above it all. Anger is one of the 3 poisons, along with denial and attachment. Seems to me like they are all present here. Move on, he is married, and you only have yourself to blame for this mess, take your lessons and search for someone deserving of your care! You must think you deserve better?
BBP I totally agree with what you are saying and the friendship thing.
I just lot it at the end after all the lies and wish some days that I didn’t because basically he said he wanted to be my friend but my abandonment issues caused me to push him away that way I can say “see he never came back but it’s because I did this to him.” The pain of trying to be “nice” and to talk to him like a normal person was not working and I did not have enough self control to simply walk away. I am working on that but I sort of had to go into self destructive mode in order for him to hate me and then I could cut contact. He it’s been 25 days and I’m doing really well… just that I am mad that it had to come to that self destructive phase. My lack of control meant I had to sacrifice myself in order to get rid of him.
Really all I did was finally let it all out how much I hated him and what he had done to me because every time I tried to be nice I just felt like he was getting away with what he had done. It’s not mature but if I have learned anything it’s this: once it’s over it’s over and it’s too late to then start pointing the finger at the person. So what’s the solution? Don’t let it get ot the point where you have been treated like dirt and left at the roadside feeling like you need to seek revenge. Leave when it starts and then you can be proud and strong.
The only reason I believe we carry such angry is because we waited around for things to turn around and for us to start getting a return on our investment and so when we see it all slipping away we start grasping at straws, any sort of return on investment we can get, even if it’s just to say “you are a meanie” it seems better than getting nothing.
So ladies the lesson is… don’t let it get to that point. If you are not getting constant returns stop investing or you might lose a lot more.
Megan,
NML’s first sentence is so right about what his response will be if you do that.
And Brad’s answer is wonderful.
Do No Contact with this assclown.
Vow never to get involved with someone else again who is in a relationship, no matter what his charm, lies or excuses. You just end up with the short end of the stick and angry.
Choose differently next time – and be relieved (down the road) that you aren’t on ongoing participant/victim of this chronic cheater…
Hi Megan,
I can soooo relate to you, my own relationship with my married man of 4 years ended 2 months ago. I thought we’d get together – how naive of me – in the end his wife got a whiff of me and started bombarding me with emails sayin how wonderful they were together with their 2 teenagers – different story to what he’d told me….. Anyway, after a few return emails saying that I don’t answer questions I finally blew….. I said it had been 4 years and not the 6 months that he had told her, and that I did have proof etc….. In all of this he had been asking me to ‘bear with him’ as he’d get her to stop emailing me. That last email to her from me was the very end because he text me the very next day and told me to leave ‘them’ alone. I suppose in my mind it was the push from me for him to finally end their marriage……….wrong! I just pushed them together to work out their life. I could have done much more than send his wife that last email but I kept hold of it all, I can’t say it’s been easy because it has’nt and I do miss him, but in my heart I knew it would end and and I’d get hurt and I suppose it went on so long because I was delaying that very hurt.
It’s been 2 months now of no contact, and there really will be no more contact at all – I’ll never go down that road again.
Go away and lick your wounds Megan, hold your head high and maintain a dignified silence – live your life! Thats my advice.
You really are worth so much more.
GreatAuntyDonna
Anger can be a great motivator, but you also have to keep it in check lest you do something that will end up making you feel worse in the end. I think NML is right Megan. You’re there. End it and get started working on you girl!
A man once said that when a woman dates a married man, she is just passing time.
I had this man who really cared for me and I did not reciprocate his feelins at the time. He later got married and we caught up a few years later. He had been in touch through out, but did not mention the fact that he is married. When I found out he said that he had married for security reasons but the woman meant nothing to him. I was going thru a bad patch in my relationships so we resumed the affair with me being the other woman. He said all sorts of things about her, and I stupidly believed him. One day the wife found out about us and sent me a txt message telling me that she knew about us and that that I could have him if I wanted.
I wanted to respond to the message but I realised that I had no quarrel with this woman, and she must be going through pain for discovering her husband’s infidelity. The man sent a txt telling me not to call him unless he calls me. I decided that that kind of arranngement was not good enough for me and broke it off.
From that date on, I swore off married men. They will tell you all sorts of things about their spouses and how their marriages are crumbling to make you think that you have a chance with them. But they rarely leave their wives. You always play second fiddle to the wife, and sometimes they end up with girlfriend no. 2 while you are still waiting for them to leave their wives. I know I deserve better than the crumbs that an attached man can offer and the pain of being the other woman.
Well I have been reading this for sometime now and this site has helped me to get over the EUMM, I was with. It was a heady tumultuous relationship that lasted just over one year. I fell for him deep. It was disastoruos for my mental health and overall sanity. I learned a lot about him as fate would have it but did it make me run the opposite direction? Noooooo I stayed and argued. He lied so much to me. He was/is a upright man seemingly religious man in the community who is always being awarded, yet he manages to make dirty calls to the homes of women in the middle of the night, and come 7am resume his normal routine. I am healing….so long as he leaves me alone and doesnt contact me. He cursed me out via text using some choice profanities, this was a day after telling me I was the best thing since sliced bread, told me to go where the sun doesnt shine, I replied in kind…but for the first time I didnt go home and bury myself in pity. Instead I continued my routine instead of letting him mess up my day. That’s when I knew he no longer held any power over me. By the end of the day and the following day he proceeded to blow my phone up as well as send texts. All of which I promptly ignored. I know now that he is a confused insecure little creep. And while I have flirted with the idea of revenge letting his wife know anonymoysly what a dangerous creep he is. However when I let the moment pass, I remind myself that vengance is not mine and time heals and sorts all things. I dont have the time to go into all the details here, but for those of us who know that we are more than we settled for, be encouraged, this too shall past.
Be Blessed All.