Well…it’s good to be back after taking a bit of a break for Christmas. I have some exciting news (no I’m not pregnant) – the boyf proposed on Christmas morning (yay) but I’ll have to talk about that some more another time! I promise!
*****
This time of year often brings a lot of introspection. We’re moving from one year into a new one, a fresh year and we’re likely to reflect on the year that’s gone by, the highs, the lows, and any changes that we know we should make but haven’t yet. What can be particularly tough is realising that something hasn’t changed from one year to the next or that when you do the maths on the year, you may have spent more time being unhappy/frustrated with something than you’ve actually spent living and enjoying. One thing I recognise from my own experiences is that focus is key and that distraction can be a major obstacle not only to that focus but actually getting closer to doing and experiencing the necessary action.
I’ve often spoken about relationship insanity which is carrying the same baggage, beliefs, and behaviours, choosing the same people different package and then expecting different results. That same insanity can be applied to work, or really any aspect of your life where you repeat a pattern but still end up wondering why a different outcome isn’t resulting.
Clearly in spite of often knowing exactly what it is that we need to do to bring about a different, better, more positive outcome, we still persist in throwing ourselves in the front line of pain.
How and why do we do this?
We distract ourselves and it’s because aside from focusing on something that appears to be less painful or uncomfortable, it can also ‘protect’ us from experiencing feelings that we’re working very hard to avoid.
Want to know a key reason why we go back to people who create pain for us and/or have rejected us?
Because it distracts us from having to feel whatever we’re trying to avoid – rejection, abandonment, pain, loneliness and the list goes on. Rejection is a primary fear and for those of you who have chased after someone after you’ve broken up or have even broken No Contact, it’s because accepting or making successful contact, even if it’s short-term, stems that annoying, pervasive feeling of rejection that we don’t want hanging around for too long, plus just working your way through the pain of losing the relationship or the love you thought you had or would have is pretty difficult, albeit necessary in itself. Of course what can then happen after you seek out the source of your pain is that you end up having a sense of self-loathing when you see the situation for what it is or even experience more rejection and have to grieve the loss of the relationship again, so you try to go back to them or even try to date someone else, or spend your time online collecting attention on dating sites.
Another common distraction is Other People’s Problems. It’s easier to absorb yourself in someone’s shortcomings, the changes you think they need to achieve to benefit themselves/your relationship, or all the ‘wrong’s you think that have created the demise of the relationship and the ability for your love to be properly received.
But really, focusing on fixing/healing/helping or even playing armchair psychologist and ‘diagnosing’ them is a distraction from you.
When we persist in uncomfortable or downright painful situations with people who cannot or will not love or treat you with respect, you distract yourself by pursuing answers to the wrong questions:
Why won’t they change?
Why don’t they want/love me?
Why do they behave in this way?
Why do they choose him/her?
How can I get them to be and do what I want/need?
These are all interesting and some are even, to an extent, valid questions for shedding light on you but the majority of your time and effort should be spent answering this question:
Why, if someone is behaving in this manner are you still there putting up with it or claiming that you’ll never get over them?
If you’re not focusing the bulk of your efforts answering this question and taking appropriate action, you are distracted with looking for solutions in things and people that are out of your control. Your mentality and physical effort (that’s if you’re taking any action) are distracted.
Looking at it in a wider sense, when I want to dodge getting uncomfortable with work stuff, maybe out of confidence issues, I’ll immerse myself in numerous less important tasks, or get caught up in sorting out stuff in the house, or throw myself into getting distracted with the girls. I know this now after going through the pains of work insanity and have had to get really uncomfortable so that I can focus instead of distancing myself from whatever anxiety I’m feeling.
There is a pattern to your distraction and if you want to experience change in 2011 and beyond, or actually even in the last day of the year, it’s quitting the insanity of repeatedly thinking and doing the same stuff and not letting yourself get distracted. It’s pretty exhausting work trying to avoid yourself or the changes you need to make and it’s time to recognise why it’s important to feel what you’ve gotta feel and start doing what you’ve gotta do – avoidance is a key part of being emotionally unavailable and if you’re serious about being personally happy and even getting into a healthy, loving relationship, getting in touch with you and feeling whatever you feel, good, bad, or indifferent is pivotal to being emotionally available.
Tackle and eliminate your distractions by having a honest conversation with yourself, getting familiar with your pattern and more importantly, not giving in to the impulse, the habit to do what you normally do. You can spend all the time in the world being distracted by their problems or immersing yourself in stuff that kills time or makes it easier for you to blame your lack of action on. You’ll still eventually need to take the focus off them or bring it back to you.
Your thoughts?
Check out my ebooks the No Contact Rule and Mr Unavailable & The Fallback Girl and more in my bookshop.
Image Credit: Jenny Rollo
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Natalie, firstly – congratulations on your engagement! I am
so happy for you! Now here’s to a long and happy marriage! This
post is so timely – you even mentioned it – we are now in a general
period of introspection. And sometimes when that introspection gets
a little uncomfotable we start trying to analyse the other party or
take on other people’s problems so that we don’t have to deal with
our own. Guilty as charged! But with time has come awareness!
Thanks Natalie! And have a Happy New Year!
Just wanted to say CONGRATS Natalie – am smiling my head off for you! Much love, growth and happiness in 2011 xx
Can’t believe I got the first post! Congrats on the proposal. I hope you are happy.
OMG!! Natalie! Your good news gave me the first real happy
smile and feeling I have had for awhile now. I am so happy for you!
*HHHHHUUUUUGGGGG*
>>Rejection is a primary fear and for those
of you who have chased after someone after you’ve broken up or have
even broken No Contact, it’s because accepting or making successful
contact, even if it’s short-term, stems that annoying, pervasive
feeling of rejection that we don’t want hanging around for too
long.<< This post couldn't have been more timely. I noticed I have been overeating the last few days. I had been feeling strong feelings of desperately wanting to contact the ex. Instead I sat down to write the "unsent letter", and after writing, "I am sad," I broke down sobbing. I started tapping using ETF and what unexpectedly came up were feelings of rejection I didn't even know I had been feeling. I've never gone No Contact before (I even stayed in contact with an ex who stalked me until he finally gave up. wtf?) This holiday I stayed true to NC with the recent ex, and also went NC with a previous ex who I never really liked whose highly unsatisfying-yet-reliable attention I was dependent on. Thank you thank you thank you thank you for this site, I have received so much priceless support and I recommend it to everyone I know who is open to hearing!
Sunshine, I’ve noticed I’ve been overeating as well the
last few days. For years, I used food as my distraction and to bury
feelings that should have been confronted and allowed to be felt.
I’m aware of this now, and instead of overeating for a couple of
weeks, I will overeat for a few days. Still not ideal, but it’s
progress. It is the holidays too, and so very hard to resist all
the treats lying around. 🙂 Natalie says in her NC e-book that
people doing NC can expect to eat too much or too little the first
month or so. It’s nice to know this is perfectly normal. Just about
nothing was normal in my experience with my AC. We all have a brand
new fresh start in about 25 hours from this very moment–1/1/11!
Good for you for not breaking NC this holiday. Neither did I!
🙂
I have learned so many important principles to apply to
relationships from your blogs. Thank you and keep it going. Im in
my 50s and single and wish I had learned all this when I was
younger. But now Im on to the next half of my life and no insanity.
Congrats on your engagement!
Nat, I truly hope that it’s everthing, the “Bomb” for you,
him and your girls. I truly understand what reflection means and
experiencing all the feelings and working ourselves through the
pain. Quick fixes never really work. Please keep us posted as your
new life journey/experience begins. You have been a blessing in my
life. A Very, Happy New Year to you and yours!!!
#1, congrats on the engagement (I *think*. You said he
proposed, not that you *accepted*.) #2 – I have had a hard time
with all of the above, the rejection, the accepting bad behavior,
the losing myself in distraction, ad nauseum. Mostly nauseum. I’ve
spent the last year making hard choices and facing some ugly
truths. One technique I kinda stumbled on – using my Other People’s
Problems tendencies. It is always easier for me to get
indignant/protective/super-kind on behalf of someone ELSE, than on
my own behalf. So, my plan for 2011 is to Be My Own Best
Girlfriend. To be kind and loving and protective and supportive of
her (“her” being ME.) To tell her she’s smart and brave for getting
out of a dead-end relationship, to allow her to mourn and feel bad,
as needed, but also to push her to move on with her (my)
life.
WOO-HOO! Congratulations, Natalie! I haven’t gone NC with
my soon to be ex because the final papers haven’t been signed, and
it’s kinda nice just being in touch. However that time may end soon
– we still have to file taxes so I do want this to be amenable –
however I know I’m distracting myself with work and other things. I
cried rivers when he filed for divorce although I’m the one who
left and was saving to file . . . so why am I still in contact? New
year, new me!
Congratulations Natalie! Good things happen to those who
wait and don’t settle for less than they deserve. Thank god I found
this site. I lamented the loss of my ex and all I wanted to do was
get over it and quick. In my search I found countless “how to get
him back” ebooks (who gives a toss about tossers) and how to be
smarter in relationship tips all of which didn’t help me on the
road to recovery. They just made me feel worse. Your blog is a
breath of fresh air and I finally feel that I’m free of all my past
failed relationships, get the learnings and through reading your
posts, have discovered some surprising and inconvenient truths
about myself. You don’t know what you don’t know. 2011 = new year,
new me.
@Buffy – “In my search I found countless “how to get him
back” ebooks (who gives a toss about tossers)” — I had to laugh: I
read countless How To Make Him Fall in Love with You ebooks,
followed all the advice hungrily which led me to make an even
bigger fool of myself than I had, AND to waste even more love,
attention, time and effort on a man who did not and never will love
me.
Lol. I didn’t purchase any of the e-books, thankfully –
Just Nat’s – made the right choice! But I do get some emails
regularly, and just the headings make me cringe now. “How to make
him fall hopelessly in love with only you!” “Are you driving your
man away?” “Make his heart beat faster.” Some men just flat-out
aren’t worth the effort!
First let Me not congratulate You Natalie, that You both
grow deeper and deeper into Love. A ring is a sign but it is the
Heart that grows and forms the bonds. And new Year? It was the
21st…………..Winter Solstice. The longest night and shortest
day. As for the post…………..Smiles……..Wise words as ever.
I only have a few words to say………. 1. If you wait for others
to change You will be waiting for ever. You have to be the change
You want to be. It is after all YOUR Life! 2. If You cannot be REAL
and AUTHENTIC with Yourself. Know who You are, accept you as you.
How can You ever be sincere, real, present for others. Be Your own
Love and Truth! 3. Pain is a natural part of Life. If you run away,
avoid pain. You will never know the fullness of Loving. You will be
fearful of being You, not only for Yourself, but for others too.
Growing to be Authentic is painful as well as Beautiful. And a few
last words………………Evolution. The best part about
EVOLution in this wondrous mystery of life. Is that the secret to
EVOLve is to LOVE! May You both grow deeper into the wondrous
mystery of each other and grow in Love. Amour A F
Congratulations on the proposal. Keep us posted if you
accept. I’m new to this site and it has been a godsend. Thank you
all. I’m in day 10 (I mistakenly said day 11 in another post, I
guess I’m rushing it) of NC and all of your articles and reader
posts have been so helpful. Most importantly, I’m in day 10 of not
being that woman, the other woman. Of course, it has been up and
down but I think mostly up. I’m NOT the other woman. This article
is spot on for me but not the first time I had to learn the lesson
of distraction. Since I’m not waiting for him to text or call or
planning dinner or anguishing about what he is doing with his wife
or in misery because we can’t be together over the holidays, which
have been major distractions, I’ve had some time to think about me,
my life, and my goals. I didn’t realize how distracted I was with
his life and how miserable I was until it ended. It has been like
stopping beating my head with a hammer. It’s nice when it stops but
it still hurts. Most of my emotional energy is fighting the habit
to text or call him. I can see that when I maintain the NC, there
is more time to focus on me and what I want and deserve. I’ve
written my angry letter but not sent it. That helped a lot. I’ve
written two life Scenarios. One where I stay the other woman, mired
in anguish, despair, and misery; the other is what could be if I
move on. When I’m feeling shaky, I re-read it. Since is it is 12
pages long, by the time I’m done, the impluse to call or text has
subsided. My work insanity also stopped in October. That was
difficult but I’m already grateful. It seems the Universe may be
telling me something. My daughter is happily in school on the east
coast (US), my work insanity has stopped, and I’M NOT THAT WOMAN,
the other woman…that was a great post. I’ve spent the last two
days chanting “I’m not that woman, the other woman”. Could it be
time for me in 2011? I’m excited, scared, and forging forward. You
all have been wonderful. Most of all, thank you for not judging me.
I never wanted to destroy his marriage or devastate his
children.
CONGRATULATIONS NATALIE! I wish you nothing but the best.
When you have time, please do fill us in on all of the engagement
details. You have helped so many women crawl out of the dark abyss
and start living again without pain. You deserve so much happiness.
Be Blessed!
Hi, I love your blog. I was just thinking today about
patterns and doing something different. I guess just stopping an
old pattern and NOT doing it is a good way to begin. Thank you for
such a great blog!
Congratulations Natalie! What a special Christmas for you!
As I read your post today I was reminded of my own struggle to
finally leave my bad relationship. I have been over 6 months NC and
it has been the best thing to happen to me. It was hard, very hard,
at first, but I persevered and put myself first, now I feel such a
freedom. I am free! Life is so much better without the constant
hurt and struggle. Everything you say in this post is right on
mark. I can’t encourage those other women out there struggling to
go NC and just let go. Make a decision and get on with your life,
why wallow in the muck with a swine one more day. Other people are
out there that can love you, when you are ready. This blog has
helped me immensely and I can’t thank you enough Natalie. I am
going on a date for the first time in over four years on New Years
Eve. I feel like I am embarking on a wonderful new journey. Just
six months ago I was a wreck, now I feel so much FREEDOM, its
intoxicating. If any of you are in pain…..hang in there, stay
true to yourself and there is light at the end of the tunnel. You
never know what the tide will bring.
Wonderful news Natalie!!:-D Congratulations to you and the
boyf. It’s inspiring to see how far you’ve gone.
Firstly, dear Natalie, congratulations!!! What a great
news!!! You are such an inspiration for all of us:-) Regarding your
post, you are right again! I keep concentrating on something else,
but not myself…The new year is coming and all my thoughts about
“achievements”, asking myself a question: “What did I achieve in my
personal life?”…Nothing, still AC in my mind:-( HE contacted me
twice on 24 and 25th of December with best wishes, and stupid me as
usual responded…I feel somehow comfortable when he is “around”
(me being his booty call), so I don’t have to look for a new man
but the same time it feels like I cant be with him and I cannot be
without him:-( Probably I just used to him and I cant let him
go……..
This is a timely post. Its been awhile since ive posted on
here because ive been going so well but i religioulsy read all new
posts. Im on holidays which i could not wait for and really
needed/deserved. The whole of last year was a huge emotionally
journey, i went through the grief process heard first, had to see
my x most days as i work with him, went to councelling all year,
progressed emotionally, mentally, confidence wise, changed lots of
old habits, kept fit, kicked goals at work, became more focussed,
dealt with childhood pains and flourished. I stayed NC most of the
year and in the last 4 months i didnt even talk about him anymore
or really think that much about him. However the 1st few weeks of
my break have been weird, i have felt lonely, wondering about him,
felt on edge, anxious maybe? out of sorts really and almost keep
expecting to see him or even wanting to reach out to him, hard to
explain. This has really suprised me !!! Im not sure where it has
come from. I have only one inkling and thats that i finally forgave
him about 2 months ago and let go of MOST of the anger and i did
notice within a few weeks i was remebering the good times which i
had not aloud myself to do for almost a year. Is it that now that
most of the anger is gone other feelings are now being aloud to
seep in? Or is it that now that i can finally rest and let my gaurd
down as its constantly up at work because i work with him? Dont
worry im not silly enough to break NC and realise i seem to be
going through something new. It does annoy me though i was so
looking forwards to my break but the 1st two weeks feel off, i have
two more weeks to go so im hoping to make some sense of it and let
it go. So ive made loads of progress and changes and yet what seems
to be out of the blue, i feel low and odd, is this normal after
forgiveness? Happy New Year Everyone! Congrats to you Nat, im so
very happy for you 🙂 Take care Trinity
Trinity,
You said “Is it that now that most of the anger is gone other feelings are now being aloud to seep in? Or is it that now that i can finally rest and let my gaurd down as its constantly up at work because i work with him? ” OMG! I said this same thing to my mom just the other day. I am past anger after two months NC and have been worried that my lack of still being pissed off was a sign that I was starting to put the fur coat of denial on again about the AC. My mom said she believed it is part of acceptance, a stage in the grief process. Lo and behold, Nat’s NC email newsletter today was about acceptance. You also said you felt low and and odd. Me too. I went through a few days of being pretty down. But, Trinity, I truly do believe we aren’t taking steps backwards. We are moving onward! Best of luck to you.
Thanks little Nickle, I think you are right. This seems to be another stage and it does seem to all be about acceptance. Maybe it just feels uncomfortable for us since we have spent so long with the heartache, anger and anxiety over the loss.
Heres to us and acceptance and forgiving which allows us to move on even more so.
Best of luck Trinity
Natalie’s challenge — “Why, if someone is behaving in this
manner are you still there putting up with it or claiming that
you’ll never get over them?” — is for me both timely and apt and
painful to answer. If I force myself to ‘fess up, be bravely honest
instead of giving a politically-correct response that would gain
approval from you all, I’m still longing to have sex with him and
if he offered I’d say yes without hesitation. But I don’t know why
I want that so badly that I am prepared to degrade and devalue
myself and put up with his AC/narc ways just to get that fix. I
should add that I can easily get sex elsewhere, plus I have a very
low libido, so my longing makes no logical sense whatsoever. I just
wish it would go away. I made a list of reasons to shun him forever
(it’s a very long list!) and a list of reasons to see him again
(only ONE!) so looking purely logically, the former outnumber the
latter 50 to 1. But looking on the bright side, I’ve made huge
strides, firstly (October) in choosing to cease socialising with
him, then (November) making the painful decision to stop meeting
him for sex… but the physical longing continues, and reduces me
to tears every day. I suspect it will go away in time… I guess I
will get over him, eventually, but maybe I am trying to
artificially force myself to do so sooner than I am ready to. I am
hoping I will stand firm in 2011 and refuse him if he does offer me
what I yearn for… jeez, this is as hard as giving up sugar…
again, that’d really bad for me, yet so addictive…
Wasted,
Why don’t you block any forms of contact?
Hi Alli, Happy New Year! Evidently, I’m not quite ready
yet. I can’t yet face burning that (sexual) bridge. I know I’m
opening myself to scathing criticism for this and yes, I feel very
ashamed of my continuing physical yearning. It’s like asking a
dieter to push a button that will remove all ‘bad’ foods from the
world forever – can she bring herself to do it, knowing she’ll
never be able to have those bad things again? Our only contact now
are his weekly, emailed Poor Me monologues whingeing about his woes
(without ever asking how I am). These do me good by repeatedly
reminding me of his utter self-obsession. (My replies are a brief
“poor you”.) I also deliberately ruminate on how much he’s hurt,
insulted, appalled and affronted me by his consistently
self-serving, narcissistic behaviour. I also read this site and
repeat as a mantra Natalie’s words: “He’s using you as a Shag, an
Ego Stroke and a Shoulder to Cry on” , which sums up my
‘relationship’ with him in 15 words. So, I am considering NC.
Another option is to tell him I need (say) three months of NC to
sort myself out. This feels more bearable for me because it does
not involve burning the bridge, yet could give me the break I need
to kill my physical addiction/yearning, at the end of which
hopefully I will be able to say to him without hesitation “The
Shag-and-Sympathy Shop is now closed permanently”, and go NC with
utter conviction and not the regret and yearning that I’d feel if I
did it today. Thanks Alli for forcing me to challenge myself with
your question. Thanks everyone for sharing your own painful,
personal experiences that help the rest of us to learn and grow.
Thanks Natalie for this blog, for that Wake-Up phrase, for teaching
women how to respect themselves.
Wasted,
This goes way beyond sex. Sorry, but I believe you’re using this as an excuse to hold on. I don’t care how great someone is in bed, no one, or act is worth the continious degradation of self-esteem.
Please be honest with your self, as self-worth is the greatest gift one can have!
I don’t know what ‘hidden honesty’ you think I am concealing; I search and come up with nothing other than what I’ve already said.
New info arrived last night helping me to despise the narc even more… every little helps me take baby steps towards the moment when my disgust and revulsion outweighs the sexual attraction. Be nice to get a thumbs-up for the progress I’ve made so far and am still making in the right direction. It’s darned tough breaking an addiction alone.
I have compassion for how hard it is to “quit” a man.
I agree with Allison.
Have you read the Facing Love Addiction book?
@Blaise. I think I am doing fairly well actually. From
daily contact on email, phone, and roughly twice-a-week meetings, I
have reduced to receiving weekly businesslike emails which are
completely cold, don’t mention “us” and serve only to remind me how
narcissitic he is. Thanks for the link but I don’t feel remotely in
love with him any more: his actions have killed that stone dead.
And it’s HIS loss, cos my love is a great thing to have!
🙂
Wasted, The only way you will break the “addiction” is by
going complete NC. Ask yourself what you get from remaining in
contact- It just seems to make you more miserable? Also, what do
you think will happen if you’re not in communication with him? I
wish you only the best!!!!!
Congrats Natalie, and it’s great to see your relationship
progress and deepen at a steady pace. Something we all need to aim
for rather than constant fireworks and drama! I agree that our
response to rejection is key. No-one likes rejection but it has
sent me into depression and other unsatisfactory situations. If
rejection sends us into a tailspin such that we can’t eat, sleep or
leave the house, cling to a man we know is no good, or chase after
another one to fill the void we are avoiding the key question. Why
do we react this way ? It’s just not healthy. I’ve done all these
things and am glad to be off the merry-go-round at last.
Natalie – Congratulations on the engagement!! Wonderful
news. I have such respect for you, not only in how you have turned
your life around and used your pain and growth to benefit others,
but that you are also leading by example. It’s easy to talk the
talk, but sometimes the best lessons comes from just watching
others. Congrats and much happiness. As for this post – amen, amen,
amen. I realized over the past week that I have spent the past 12
years living in a fantasy in my head, with very little time spent
in the “real” world. All in the name of distraction. Anything to
not feel – the pain, the rejection, but sadly also the joy and
excitement of living. It took the full throttle rollercoaster that
was the relationship with the AC to get me to feel at all, and then
all I felt was miserable. The good news is that I have faced
rejection head on and learned it doesn’t kill me. In fact, it has
made me stronger than ever. I am so guilty of focusing on him and
fixing his problems. Even to this day, when I don’t want to deal
with me and my stuff, I will find myself replaying some aspect of
the nightmare. There is nothing left to discover or learn. I am
just self-medicating. Same with food. When I find myself
overeating, I know something is very wrong. Recognising my bad
habits has become an almost full time job for me these days but
such is the depth of my denial and bad coping mechanisms. What a
glorious discovery it was to learn that actually just living and
feeling is so much easier. The best part is realizing what had
happened 12 years ago that started this. The first relationship
with an EUM. The damage it had caused was incredible and I began to
internalize the worst messages imaginable. I have hated myself for
12 years because of it. No more. There is nothing wrong with me and
it is time to put my feet back on the ground, get my head out of
the clouds, face the pain and rejection that is just part of life
and start living. I love this blog.
Happy new year everyone and congrats Natalie!
I’ve been NC for 28 days and only last week felt two days of contentment, comfort with the situation. While he only met a few of the criteria for an EUM/AC (txting, last minute plans), he became horrible at the end when he decided to push me away and then dump me. I was brave in the face of rejection – no begging, no crying, just a shrug and a “go away forever” shove out the door.
Of course I miss him and am working very hard not to beat myself up over all the younger women he’ll be meeting (I’m 37). I don’t want to be bitter and I don’t want to distract myself with more dating, so I’m focusing on me and my friends, family…it’ll take time but i will get through this. Now I know what I will not accept and those limits will be firm.
Congratulations Natalie and a very happy new year to you! This blog helped me beyond belief this year. Sometimes I came here and read the articles and also your book Mr. Unavailable really helped. I was intellectually aware that what you were saying was right but in many ways remained determined to prove what you were saying wrong and be the outlier “He did care!” and also “Why did he do it?” I kept saying. This was for me also an effort to justify all the time and energy I spent on a man and men who allowed me to project fantasies and expectations upon them.
I read your articles and the comments on this blog while fighting my own programmed response to my ex Ass Clown. Finally, and way too recently, four months after the final break up and a month and a half after breaking NC briefly (thank God he ignored me!) I have managed to ingest and fully believe the advice you so sagely extol. I saw one of our mutual friends last night and was able to hear what he’s doing these days without it hurting. I stopped being so focused on what is wrong with him as opposed to what is wrong with me. I’ll never know what’s going on in his brain, I’m pretty sure he is very cut off and ambivalent about his feelings. Yet now I know what is going through my brain and all the past issues that led me to fall for Ass Clown upon Ass Clown. On top of that I can identify the crucial breaking of boundaries for potential that led me down this path countless times. It won’t happen again! In essence- this is a long winded thank you. You are doing a wonderful job!
Congrats Nat! A toast to the New Year – it’s going to be great 🙂
YAY NATALIE WOOOHOOOO
Congratulations Nat. I an sooooooooooooooo happy for you.
You deserve happiness. I have been reading your blogs for nearly
six months and the insight is priceless. See ya on the OWN someday.
You have my vote.
Congrats!!!!!
Wishing you a lifetime of happiness!!!!!
Congrats to u nat. I wish you all the very best for 2011! You always seem to speak directly to me through your posts. I have been coming to this site on/off for two years now. Thank you for your wise advice and inspiration!
This latest post is so timely considering i am currently struggling through nc…and you are so right. It’s easier to focus on someone else’s dysfunction than really address what’s going on in my own head. I am looking forward to 2011 and really gettig rid of this baggage i have carried for years.
Happy New Year! Here is to a beautiful 2011!
Hi Natalie– Your blog is probably one of the best things I
found in 2010. So much of what you say has resonated with me and
helped me make positive changes in my life. Thank you, thank you
from the bottom of my heart to write this blog. What you say is
profound and yet so very compassionately expressed. They say when
the student is ready, the teacher appears. I like to think of you
and your blog as the teachers I really needed at this point in my
life! Congratulations on the engagement. I wish you a prosperous
and peaceful 2011.
Congrats Natalie! So happy for you. 🙂 I am 10 months NC
as of 22 December and couldn’t be happier. My life is so much more
positive and I have learned a lot about myself , thanks to this web
site and all the lovely people on it. Happy New Year to you
all!
Hi Natalie beautiful picture of your kids and u in the
previous blog and congrats on your good news! 2011 has started but
for me years months seem the same as you mentioned in your blog
here as I haven’t reasly sat and had a honest convo with myself
ever cause I hate myself I try so hard to get my self esteem up do
things that supposedly make me happy but then I’m back to square
one ! Few weeks last year I was at a strong point in my life not
thinking of him NC all and now I’m in a point where desperately
seeking him his affections had physical closeness etc and it was
good for a few days but then I feel even worse now cause deep down
I thought he would see what he is missing but no he’s busy moving
on it hurts as I was the one who left who rejected him I guess but
it was because of all the pain and now he’s rejecting me totally
and can’t wait for the divorce I am in a bad state because all I
think of is what he’s doing thinking seeing shagging or not did I
not matter am I just a shag ego stroke or other now as for me it’s
love stupid love! I’m stuck forcing screaming to get out I can’t I
know the thruth he is looking out at female options and when I’m
around there he’s always trying to look for opportunities of being
alone txting emails hiding away his phone it feels horrible but I
still feel the need to go back today also the breakdown of our
marriage is my fault him not accepting my child is my fault it
kills me to think did o make the right decisions here cause I
thought I was strong but am I ….
Fats, I am with you, sister, I understand and feel what you
are going through, and have asked the same questions… you read on
here the words “get some self esteem” or “love yourself” but you
don’t know HOW — correct? Because you have given all the love to
HIM and it’s all been wasted, right? And even now he is draining
you of energy, love, care, etc and it’s all going to waste (hence
my name). Yes, love is like a sickness that makes fools of us. But
somehow you don’t really know how to love yourself. I don’t know
yet, either, sorry, but just wanted to say I am in the same boat. A
good start would be to read this website every day, page by page;
secondly stop thinking about him, obsessing about him, and focus on
yourself, pamper yourself a bit. If you were going to buy someone
you love dearly a present, how much would you spend? Take that
amount of money and spend it on yourself. Get a haircut, take a
bubblebath, get a massage; any kind of pampering will start to make
you realise that you are worth it.
Hey you two, Fats and wasted. Don’t know if this helps but
it really helped me reclaim my power that I had been giving away.
Its simple and repetitive, seems silly and it works. Do it a lot
for 3 days and things start to shift. Wake up and start the day
with I choose to get up. I choose to have breakfast. I choose to go
for a walk, gym, yoga, tennis. I choose to go to work. I choose to
have a cup of tea, I choose to have a luxurious bath, I choose to
surf the internet. I choose to get well. I choose to stay NC. I
choose to focus on me. I choose to do………..(short term
goal)……….(mid-term goal)……..long term goal. I choose to
have healthy relationships…..bla bla bla. Ok maybe your not
currently having them, but now you can choose to have healthy ones.
I choose to have boundaries. I choose to be alone for a while. I
choose to improve my family relationships. I choose to find new
friends. I choose to start a course in ……..I choose to grieve,
I choose to have a duvee day. I choose to be happy. I choose to
forgive myself. In using choose, you give up the notion that things
happen to you and your self-esteem will immediately start to
improve. I choose to forgive myself is more powerful than just I
forgive myself. Now you are batting for you in a really obvious
manner. Its a great place to start. Enjoy your life. Its just so
important to shift from negative energy to positive energy. You can
do it.
Hey Ruth! Found your message while deeply depressed, unable
get out of bed, having started NC and feeling ghastly. I read your
message out loud, emphasising each “I choose”. Thank you so much
for this. Bloomin genius stuff. I am going to say I choose out loud
many times today…. WL xxxxx
Nat CONGRATULATIONS!! This is Great news!! I am extremely
happy for you! You deserve it after all you’ve been trough. I am
also happy for you that somehow you have managed to work things out
with your mother as well (at least for now). Please fill us in
sometime soon so that it can be an inspiration for some of us who
after having done so much emotional work are over Assclows and
finally in good relationships (but haven’t been proposed yet ).
It’d be a Great idea for a new post as well. =) Thanks!!
Congrats Nat!! Love you and wish you the BEST!! 2010 was a
tough year for me emotionally, dead end “rs”, NC for 4 months now,
some of the toughest 4 months but also the most enlightening!!
Thanks Nat, your blog brought light to my life, hope from the dark,
and a will to build up a self-esteem I grew up without. As much as
I want the sex, I haven’t died these past months, as much as I
wanted to see the EUM, I cut contact and deleted forms of
communication so as not to be tempted. I still feel I’m withdrawing
from a drug, I feel I’m in rehab, I feel emotionally exhausted,
drained, but I feel this is necessary to live a sane life. I don’t
want to be dependent on anything. Food, alcohol, sex, men, material
things. I want to be happy, just me. No pressures to be anything
I’m not. Wasted: for your own sake, I’d say try going NC, it gave
me a sense of control over my own life. I feel I wasted too much
time hating myself, hating my life, disrespecting my body. It’s so
over. I realize nothing is guaranteed and we are responsible for
our own lives, best life lesson ever!! Let’s all have a great 2011
!!
@Miriam — congrats on your four months NC. Getting over a drug and being in rehab, gosh, yes, I hear you sister! Took me a while to give up smoking, but I got there in the end, as I will get to NC when the time is right for me – today, tomorrow, next week, whatever. I agree with everything you’ve said and am thrilled for you because I can feel the optimism and determination beaming out of your posting. Lots of love XXX WL
Thank you Miriam for encouraging words which you said to
Wasted, I really needed to hear!!! I feel such a loser in all
aspects of my life, sometimes it is not possible to get out of
“stagnation” I have to push myself so hard to start feel normal
again…
Congratulations Nat – I am excited and happy for all of
you!! YEAH!!
Hi everyone, I’m new here. It’s been exactly one year since
I started NC with my EUM. I was extremely depressed and really
didn’t do anything to help myself get over him – he just stopped
all communication and I never tried to contact him. Then fast
forward 7 mos to July 2010 when he texted me out the blue! I was so
excited – see he really has been thinking of me! I thought… We
started texting like mad and he came home for a visit in Oct. Yes,
of all things my EUM is a long-distance lover. How distant can you
get?! Anyways, after that visit I was full-on totally into texting
and emailing (he finally shared his email address with me after 3
yrs. how pathetic) but there I was sending sexy pics of myself and
living for every response I got. All this time he told me he was
coming home on Jan 12 and we would have the BEST time together,
blah blah. Finally on December 20 I asked him (for the third time!)
how long would we have together? Usually he comes home for a month.
He responds, “2 days and then I leave for Mexico for 3 weeks.” I
literally felt like someone had kicked me in the stomach. It took
me a week but I finally sent him an email, stating how I felt and
that there would be no further communication. It was a great email
and just very straight forward. I felt great after I sent it. Of
course a part of me just assumed he would email back with all kinds
of explanations and reassurances. But I’ve heard nothing. I’ve been
a wreck ever since – New Year’s day I cried the whole day off and
on. Today I feel a bit better. WHY do I still miss him when I KNOW
I mean very little to him…. Am determined to keep up with NC even
tho I KNOW he will be texting me as soon as he gets here on the
12th… 🙁
Hi Agathangel I know that feeling of disappointment and
letdown. My ex-EUM would always move the ‘goalposts’ as Nat says.
In a few weeks he’d have things together, he was working on a plan.
Bottom line, I was close to begging to meet his kids [after 3
years]. I think I purposely drew his fire, this Thanksgiving. I
just said ‘invite me along to your alumni football game’ and he
just went dead as though I’d asked him to kill his mother. Right I
thought, after 3 years you won’t give this to me, and with no
explanation either! Buh-bye. Sounds easy peasy of course, but it
wasn’t and I thought ‘hmm, maybe he’ll have a change of heart. No.
Of course not. Cut your losses sweetie, take it from someone who’s
been there. You’re better then this.
Aga I do hope you stick to your resolve and don’t see him
again. I do feel for you but I have to admit that your words “full
on texting” made me laugh (in an ironic manner). There’s nothing
full on about texting. Texting is just a way for them to keep us on
hold without any effort, time, emotion or commitment. I’ve been
there myself and it really is a whole heap of … nothing. Ditto
email, chats, facebook etc. Be strong and cut him off. Today you
feel a bit better. Trust in NC and in yourself for many more better
days.
Hey there Angnathegel, I’m new to this website too but I’m
not new to the heartbreak of EUM’s. Been there, done that, bought
the T-Shirt. Between now and Jan. 12, read every article and every
post on this blog. I’m only into day 14 of NC so I’m no expert. But
reading this blog every morning got me through missing the “Good
Morning Sunshine TEXT MESSAGES because he couldn’t be here in
person. I read this blog every night as well, which has gotten me
through the Night, night sweetie, TEXT MESSAGES because he couldn’t
be here. Read Natalie’s posts on being “dripfed”. I, like you have
been so “dripfed”, I’m about to scream. When he left here, 14 days
ago, like you I expected to hear from him. Some reassurance that he
is still there. Nothing, not a single text, email, or phone call.
Actually, thank god. That’s made NC a bit easier on my end since
there is nothing to resist responding to. Read the article “Why
won’t he call”? If your home and work life permits, sit on this
blog from sun up to sun down and read everything, including all the
post from folks like us. Hopefully, someone named Fearless will
jump in. She is great. Listen to whatever she says. If you can
maintain NC, it does get better but every single day is hard, every
single moment is hard. I spent New Years crying too. But, today I
cleaned everything, toliets, showers, and put away the minimal 2010
christmas decorations with the anticipation that in 2011 I will NOT
be in this sad sorry state of mind. It’ll be up to me, however, to
make sure 2011 is different. If I leave it up to him, I’ll be right
here on this blog lamenting that 2011 was shittier than 2010. It is
no longer up to him what happens to me. Hang in there, you do not
need to settle for three days in January. You and I could have the
whole year and the year after, if we make the break
now…otherwise, I’ll see you in 2011, and we will still be
heartbroken over a few days everynowandagain. My Best to You. READ,
READ, READ, what else do you have to do?
@Aga I go with what has already been said by Grace,
runnergirl etc… read Nat’s blogs and E-book on Mr Unavailable (I
also liked Steven Carter’s book: “He’s Scared, She’s Scared”). Arm
yourself with knowledge – you are dealing with an active EU man,
you need to know what these people are all about and what lies
ahead for you. You also need to learn about yourself and what is
probably your own (passive) EU, hence the reason you are
entertaining an EU man, i.e. why is this “relationship” good enough
for you, do you think? (at least, so far). I understand exactly
what you are saying and how you feel – it’s very painful to feel
and want a real connection with someone who is putting up
unscalable boundaries! Someone here once said it was like trying to
climb the emotional Alps… which made me laugh as I had lived the
climb! And I am back to square one with him – nowhere – after years
of trying to “connect” and get a real relationship off the ground.
There is only one destination with these people – back where you
started!! You may as well get there sooner rather than later – to
continue to go along with his crap is just delaying the inevitable
– this you will see in time, if not now. It’s very hard and very
hurtful but you have to realise that what you are getting from this
guy now is as good as it gets… he (they) wants to run the show on
his terms – not yours – and he (they) does not want involved beyond
a certain point – he will NOT come out of his comfort zone, not for
anyone or anything, he will manage your expectations and if you get
too close for comfort he will cut you off without a word and leave
you reeling, believe me, he will… i.e, if you make ANY demands,
even for what is fair, you will not see him for the dust flying up
from his heels! There is no-where to go with these men – there is
only the here and now… The poster above who said he acted like
she had asked him to kill his mother when she told him to invite
her to a football game (?? or such like) has it right on the
money…if you ask for anything they do not want to give – even a
conversation they do not want to have(!) – they will cut you off at
the knees – they go NC with you at the drop of a hat and wait for
you to “get it” and conform… and this is VERY, VERY painful…
You must try to recognise that you are in a no-win situation and
begin to focus not on his behaviour but on you own behaviour – hard
as it is – you need to change your own behaviour, somehow, and to
see that you are contributing to all of this and to ensuring your
own despair. Figure out not what you want from HIM (you ain’t
getting it!) but what you want FOR YOU in your and life in the
longer term – two days in January is piss!! It may be all he
wants… but is it all you want – is that all you should expect?
Tell him it’s not good enough FOR YOU!! And if you decide that it
is good enough for you, then accept the consquences as your own
decision and your own doing. For me, when I focus on me, not on
him, when I think about what I want and what I do not want for
myself and my life, I find it easier to stay NC and just “let it
be”… and que sera, sera and all of that… what will be will be.
My EUM makes it very easy for me to stay NC – he knows I am not
putting up with it anymore and he, essentially, is having the cheek
to do the “dignified silence” routine!! Like he has anything to be
dignified about! In short, I have gone NC, but really he is not
talking to me now anyway! I made demands and got cut off – I am she
who is not to be trusted anymore!! (Ialso presume he sees me as
trying to manipulate him – and he is having none of it!!) Aga – the
more I type here and recall what I have gone through (and my guy
sounds v much like yours!) the more I know there is only one thing
to say to you if you want to take it : get the hell out of there
and save yourself from a shed load of pain and despair and
loneliness. If this guy was interested in more than a casual shag
and an ego stroke he would be not be hopping off to Mexico without
you! Listen to him! He is telling you this. Wishing you all the
best and good luck, F.
Hi Fearless ‘.e, if you make ANY demands, even for what is
fair, you will not see him for the dust flying up from his heels!’
OMG ! if I lived a thousand years I could not have summed it up as
succintly as you just did. The ‘alumni football game’ was a
long-standing Thanksgiving tradition that father-of-the-year had
w/his girls. It wasn’t even his college alma mata..it was his
h.s.!! I really like your advice!
Yes, outergirl, they don’t want to be seen with you in
public – among their own “set” in case people who know him mistake
you for a couple!!! Heaven forbid!! They might even think he is
involved with you!!! OMG!! They might even imagine you are his
girlfriend!!! A fate worse than death!! It’s all tooooo humiliating
for him!! They remind me of twelve year old boys at school who
realise that they kinda like girls but are too embarrassed to admit
it yet… sadoos… I remember being about 10 or 11 years old – a
very pretty wee thing – and a boy who had noticed me decided to
turn around and slap me on the face – a propos of nothing!… I was
deeply shocked and hurt and for the longest time I wondered what on
earth I had done to offend him for years afterwards! – I don’t
think I had ever even spoken to him before – and I never, ever did
after his show of “violent affection”!! He scared me. He was, I now
realise, a twelve year old EUBoy!! Who is probably now someone poor
woman’s EUM!!
Hi Fearless. What an awful thing to have happen to you as a
little girl. Your explanation of why he refused to let me meet the
kiddies is as good as any. Can we say ‘extremely immature’?? He’s
in his 40’s! Well now he can be as alone as he likes with no risk
of looking like he has a GF. Or maybe he had to hide me from
another fallback. At this point..who the f* cares. I didn’t get to
this point overnight, it took this site and all the people who took
the time to write to make me realize that’s what he tried to play
me as. I just hope in the future I’ll smell his kind a mile off. To
all of you on this journey, stay the course, we’re here for
you.
Congratulations on your engagement Natalie, I wish you a
lifetime of happiness. I am so grateful to you for your website and
endless boosts of relationship wisdom that I so needed to hear over
the last year. Finding your site was one of the highlights of 2010
for me and long may I continue to read and grow stronger on my own
personal journey. You truely are a gift. Happy New Year and all the
best for 2011.
This is hard. The feelings I’m feeling without the
distraction? Once I got through rejection, up came Fear.
Loneliness. Despair. Self-loathing. After 2 back-t0-back AC
relationships (total 10 years, 5 miscarriages), I then packed up
and went to stay with a friend I thought would help me get back on
my feet and he turned out to be an EUM with a penchant for 20 yr.
olds (he’s 48). While living there, I experienced an 8-month
non-relationship with a man…which stimulated a lot of
drama-seeking behavior and intense anxiety and confusion, which in
some ways drained me totally and yet also for the first time,
because of things he said to me, reflected to me that my BEHAVIOR
was the issue, not a fundamental character flaw. It was so
difficult though, I spent days literally drunk on thoughts of him
and I felt powerless to do anything about it, it was morning, noon
and night and I could barely carry on a conversation with
co-workers because it was so painful to be distracted from those
thoughts. In November the EUM housemate put me out in favor of his
20- and 22 yr. old harem (who, after only a month of me being gone,
are coming to the realization that *I* was not the problem). And
now I’m back in my home state, living in a tiny, cluttered spare
bedroom at my parents’. In the suburbs, with no public
transportation and no transportation of my own, no income, and a
couple of hundred dollars. What was I distracting myself from? That
I have no real friends. Nobody reliable in my life, nobody I really
trust, nobody I can depend on. Friends picked up along the way of
dating the AC’s were really acquaintances. I feel very isolated and
disconnected. I don’t know how to connect with people to build
friendships and intimacy. I have lived most of my life in survival
mode, running full speed – I left my abusive home at 15 and had a
son at 16 by deeply wounded 19 yr. old who disappeared (thankfully)
after bouts of theft and crack. My parents are older and mellow,
yet they are not reliable or emotionally available and aren’t
willing to help me beyond a room to stay. I feel trapped. I am
ashamed that I am nearly 40 years old and in this position. I
sincerely desire regular therapy to deal with past trauma and to
attend group meetings, yet I feel trapped and helpless due to lack
of transportation, lack of funds, and the strange lack of ACOA
meetings in a major metropolitan city. I suppose if I tried harder
I could make it work, yet I feel like I have nothing left. I have
given myself away again and again and I have nothing left for me
and nothing left to offer and see no future for myself. I’m
indecisive and hate to set goals because nothing ever works out for
me, some crisis always happens that detours me. So that’s what
obsessing over the latest man was keeping me from facing. On the
plus side, I am using EFT to feel through my feelings. I am mindful
of the food I am putting in my body. Exercise has been sporadic,
not surprisingly my body feels broken down and I experience quite a
bit of physical pain. I’m doing a regular nightly breathing
meditation. I’m being as gentle with myself as I can possibly be,
and am seeking sliding-scale therapy. I can feel a possibility
inside of me…I can feel a seed that wants to grow. I can feel my
love and compassion for myself nudging me along. I can see a better
future…there is no desire to go back to my old way of living, it
feels too bad and is to painful. There’s no other option for me
than to move on and stay open to opportunity and maybe push through
and find just a little more to give if that’s what I need to
do.
Sunshine, your post really moved me… I also, like you, once I stopped the distraction of EUM after EUM by forcing myself not to seek out another relationship (after finding this blog), I was left with the pain and emptiness which was my life, and finally facing the reality of my past. I also realized had no real friends in the true sense (the few I had were EU as well, and like you say, more like acquaintances) and my family was very very dysfunctional (I also left home at 14 but was put into foster care), and I dealt with one chaotic situation after the next growing up and into adulthood. My family is more mellow now, like you describe yours, but I see I will always have to have very strict boundaries in my dealings with them. I really emphasize with your post in the sense that you feel you are starting from zero somehow, without support. I also had difficulty in connecting with people and building friendships due to my upbringing. Therapy really helped me and it sounds like you are on the right path by seeking that out and taking care of yourself physically and emotionally. What I am trying to say is, hang in there, have faith that your life will get better if you keep on this path of possibility. Do what you can, despite your current financial situation – you can make it work. I found this blog about 2 years ago, and little by little I have built up my life. I still am working on issues from the past which affect me today, and I think it’s a life-long process. But the most important thing is that I am doing it. Also in my late-thirties, it is better late than never. I have finally woken up, and can see things as they are, and I can never go back to how I was before. And now, even though it is not easy for me, I really want to be connected to other people and the world. I hope you find an ACOA group or maybe there is a different type of support group in your area that would be appropriate. I wish you the best 🙂
Sunshine, Look into CODA. It’s free!
Congrats on your engagement great news! I find your blogs
very inspiring and it’s great that there are articles like this
available to women everywhere. My own blog has the same intention:
to try to help women learn from my experience and up their
self-esteem at all costs! It’s called ‘The Joys and Perils of
Internet Dating’ and it’s at http://www.harrietbond.com. I love your
comments about repeating the same behaviour and expecting different
results: that is the definition of insanity. I do it myself, even
though I know I’m doing it! But as you say, awareness is the key to
this, and being honest with oneself. Experimenting with different
hebaviour in response to situations you’ve been in before is a
great way to work through issues and get past them. It’s great for
your self-esteem when you realise you have behaved in a way that
you haven’t behaved before and it works to serve your feelings of
self-worth: for example, not chasing someone or calling them when
the ball is in their court, letting go of people you realise are no
good for your self-esteem, and not getting caught up in other
people’s dramas as a way of detracting from your own life and
issues. Brilliant stuff: look forward to your new blog posts for
2011!
Allison, and anyone following my story. I am now almost
ready to go NC. I had to do it in stages (there is no right or
wrong way) and I now feel on the brink. Each communication with him
has served to increase my disgust for him. I have emailed him some
pertinent questions and I know his answer will be so self-serving,
hurtful and probably insulting that it will give me that last “boot
up the arse” that kicks me right out of this pain-filled
association that I called a “relationship” but was, in fact, my
being nothing more than one of TWO vulnerable women that he
exploited as “Shags, Ego-Strokes and Shoulders to Cry On”.
Wasted, Whe you reach that point, you will feel so much
peace. But, the greatest beanefit is how the epithany realtionship
will change your life! You look back and review why you choose
these types of individuals and begin to address your own internal
conflict.. So good to understand why we welcome toxicity into our
lives and move on to a healthier place that is not drama-filled.
Honey, it is time to see your value and love yourself. We don’t
need a man to make us feel whole!
@Allison, thank you for your message. I know some on here
have had a string of bad relationships but not me. I’ve had
excellent relationships with several long term boyfriends all my
life. I’m still on speaking terms with seven of them because we
parted on good terms. They’ve tended to be mates or colleagues to
which was added sex to create a b/f-g/f relationship. The man who
has messed with my mind and torn my heart to shreds was the first
smiling, slimy, romantic “charmer” I’ve ever fallen victim to and
the first narcissist I’ve met or been sucked dry by. I am currently
laid low with a huge weight of self-blame, guilt, shame,
humiliation, wounded pride; but I am also trying to be kind to
myself by reminding myself that, not having met a charmer before I
was defenceless. And I never imagined how well a man with NPD could
hide it beneath a veneer of sugar. But at least I can say that I
won’t fall for a narcissist’s False Self again… the next man who
opens a door for me will get a black eye! I owe so much to this
blog and the women who comment on it, I don’t know where to begin
to thank Natalie Lue. Maybe the best thank you I can give her is by
just following all her teachings, directing all my friends and
aquaintances to this blog, and ejecting Mr Narc from my life
forever.
Wasted I hear you I do read the website daily and all your positive comments and Nats blogs are to the point but it’s me I just don’t know how to work on me as its new to me
all my life I’ve lived for others so that the love I had would keep me going again that is me asking for acceptance always cause I don’t know who I was
I know I have good qualities and I thought that would be enough for him to love and respect me but obviously not as the other female options wouldn’t be in the picture so really I just don’t see the point of knowing me or being happy with me
I have tried keeping up with the self esteem buying presents new look but it works for few days and I feel worse days after..,,
@Fats — <<>> I have been
where you are. You say “I know I have good qualities and I thought
that would be enough for him to love and respect me but obviously
not as the other female options wouldn’t be in the picture” ….
this is 100% absolutely NOT TRUE. Mainly you are letting HIM
validate YOU as a person! This is wrong! You are letting HIS
philandering measure YOUR worth — wrong! There are pages on this
site you are in desperate need of, that address this VERY ISSUE.
https://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/hes-with-someone-else-why-her-and-not-me/
https://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/seeking-validation-understanding-in-your-poor-relationships-part-one/
https://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/seeking-validation-understanding-in-your-poor-relationships-part-two/
and so forth. I can hear that you are in a deep dark hole, but just
KEEP READING.
Fats, Keep busy! Take classes, join a club, exersise,
volunteer etc……. The other things are temporary, try things
that will fulfill your life. The payoff is amazing!
THANK YOU to all who replied to my post! It is so good to
hear from others that are going through the same BS as me! You are
right I want and deserve more than 2 effing days!!! I too laughed
about the guy who acted like she wanted to kill his mother! I can’t
read this site at work but I sure can every single night when I get
home, which I plan on doing!! The part about texting Nite Baby and
Good Morning Angel is crap I was fed too… I know just what he is
going to do when he gets here – bombard me with texts/calls. I plan
on shutting the phone off during this period but I know it’s going
to be really hard… On top of this drama I have to deal with
getting a shitty eval at work from this witch of a supervisor… Oh
well, better days are ahead!
Wasted thanks fir the links read them and have to keep reading and some absorbs and some doesn’t as old habitual mode doesn’t disappear overnight
so use to validation all the time don’t know any different
fearless read what you wrote so on the spot about everything assclowns are really 2 year olds with who need mothering 24-7 as they still live in that zone!
once the mothering stops then you are as no existent!
he hid my identity my son my past life as an excuse to marry in his community but I’m still that person there and the secret will never be known as he’s definatley not going to have the balls to tell them!
oh the parasite was back looking for a shoulder to cry on on lonliness and how he is I’ll and wanted dome food and mothering and it was all about him straight from me me me f******* island
I was laughing inside cause I can see now what I couldn’t see before
he came over saying he wanted to discuss work as he is above me in position at work and then the rest is history
he left with a full belly and I have a headache
I’ve decided he can take a hike really s**** him!!!
I have a question about going NC. The Narc last emailed me
(our habitual form of communication) on 2nd Jan. Now, I’ve read on
here that one doesn’t TELL the AC/EUM/Narc that one is going NC,
but just does it till he gets the idea. However, the way I see it,
if I tell him today that I never want to hear from him again, he
won’t ever contact me again (I know him well enough to know this)
and I can get on with healing and forgetting him. I could even
imagine he is dead. But if I just don’t reply, don’t tell him I am
going NC, then he will keep on emailing me, and each time I see an
email coming in I will be tempted to read it, then drawn back in,
then tempted to reply etc. And if I block him or don’t reply he’ll
start leaving messages on my phone and then I will hear his lovely,
gentle voice and possibly weaken. And if I don’t ring him back he
will probably come knocking on my door, giving me yet more
reminders of his existence, re-opening my wounds, and putting
temptation into my path once again. It seems that to avoid pain and
temptation, it’s better to TELL them you are going NC. So I’m
wondering why everyone is so insistent that we do not tell them.
[Another idea I was considering is just telling him I need time to
myself right now, and tell him not to contact me, that I will be in
touch when I am ready, then work on myself to make sure that day
never comes.]
Wasted, Just send him an e-mail stating that you no longer
wish to be in contact. Period. By going route #2, you have to see
you’re still leaving the door open. Bad for you. Time to stop the
craziness once and for all.
I forgot to add, you then block him. You don’t want to be
tempted to respond to an e-mail questioning your actions. Do this
for you! Get off the drama train!
We say there is no point telling them because nine times
out of ten, we want them to react in a certain way (ie chase after
us) and are bitterly disappointed when they don’t. Or they have
already made it crystal clear they aren’t interested so why bother
with a declaration. However, if it would help to tell him, then do
so but keep it short, simple and unemotional. Something along the
lines of “I can no longer be friends with you. Please don’t contact
me anymore.” That’s it. Don’t explain that you won’t respond to his
emails anymore, it’s kinda obvious and may irritate him to the
extent that he starts badgering you. And there’s no need for
lengthy explanations as this will only draw you in. Believe me,
even the biggest narc moron knows that stringing along two women is
taking the p!ss (to put it frankly). Blocking is the way to go but
it may take a while to make that final cut. However, it really is
the best way to stop yourself checking and rechecking to see if he
has contacted you. He can’t. So no point checking! Don’t worry
about burning bridges, should the day come that you change your
mind and want to have no-strings sex with him or stroke his ego via
email, I am sure he will be happy to oblige. But I am betting that
day won’t come and you will get this man OUT of your hair. Good
luck with it, it is hard but not every day is a bad day and you
will get through it – believe in yourself.
Hi WastedLove. There is nothing wrong with sending an email and I in fact suggest it in my ebook on the No Contact Rule if you’re the type of person that is going to be like a dog with a bone if you feel like you just bailed. It’s all about context and circumstance. Like others have said, if sending the email has the hidden purpose of attention seeking and attempting to provoke a reaction – don’t send. If it’s a short to the point email that says, hey, please don’t get in touch/don’t call me, I’ll call you, knock yourself out. You have to judge your circumstance and you obviously are convinced that if you don’t send this email that you’re going to be breaking NC anyway, so you might as well send the mail so you can move past this internal debate. What I think is key in NC or really in anything is attitude – at the end of the day, if you imagine yourself as weak and are imagining scenarios where you hear from them and your knickers are on the floor in two shakes of a lambs tail, that is what you will do. If you imagine yourself as strong and say ‘I will’ instead of ‘I hope’ and imagine how you will deal with these situations should they present themselves, in a strong manner – i.e Have a plan A, B etc instead having a defacto plan of sleeping with him, you will make more progress.
Thanks to everyone for responding. I’m was just planning ways to make NC easier for myself by making sure he does not make contact which I then have to struggle to avoid. Yesterday I was 100% certain I wanted NC, today I have weakened back to only 75%. Still struggling with the “finality” of it. I hate burning my bridges!
Wasted,
What “bridge” are you burning? I just see a lot of pain and disrespect coming out of this situation-I’m not talking about him.
I think you really need to address what needs are being fulfilled here. Be honest with yourself.
@Allison. Thsi is precisely what I am asking myself during
my Honest Conversations with Myself: what will I lose by NC, what
that bridge is. The only answer is: sex. I can hear the
disapporving tuts but he is v. special in that way and the thought
of NEVER enjoying that again fills me with panic. He emailed a week
ago to offer me FWB but I can’t reply until I am 100% certain what
I want. I swing wildly from loving to hating to wanting to
despising him. I toy with being FWB, then realise I resent him too
much for that. Round and round and round… But what’s the rush?
All the time I’m dithering, I am, effectively, NC.
I went NC with someone in the beg. of September. This was like the 4th or 5th attempt, but I finally did it. I told him off in a really devastating way and then said simply “This is over.” Never heard a thing and was never once tempted to break it again. The difference this time was that I’d finally, finally, FINALLY had enough. Done with. Over. Maybe, maybe, in my darkest moments, the thought of him would flit across my consciousness, but immediately the memory of all the bad things he did would totally send that thought away. It was the BEST thing I’ve ever done.
Among other things, when you are involved in this kind of situation, you are making yourself totally unavailable to all the nice guys out there. Get rid of this clown and MOVE ON.
@Roz. Thank you for sharing that. Congrats to you on
getting there. Sadly, my tolerance for accepting poor treatment
from him (“How Bad Does it Have to Get?”) is higher than I would
ever have imagined. I do indeed keep reminding myself of the shabby
treatment and that works for minutes or hours then the physical
yearning starts again; seems that constant vigilance is required on
my part. Rest assured, I am available for Mr Nice Guy, should he
appear. WL XXX
Hi Everyone, I sent him an email because I was upset and
hurt at his latest antics and it was the best feeling ever! I
recommend that you do it to find closure. Sure, I expected him to
reply with some explanation and reassurances, but when he totally
went cold with no contact, it finally got through to me! That he
could just stop communicating in any way shape or form spoke
volumes… Here’s what I wrote. To get the background story, please
see my earlier posts… “Dear A: I’ve thought a lot about it and
I’ve decided that it’s not a good idea that we get together in
January. Silly me, I thought you would be here for weeks, not just
days… I need more than just hours with you but I guess it’s not
meant to be… I need to start this new year off fresh and
concentrate on my online matches. I need to accept that there is no
relationship for us and it’s time I meet someone who will be here
for me. Please, don’t call me or text me after several months like
you’ve done in the past. I will always love you but I need to move
on. Please respect that. I’m sure you’ll meet lots of nice girls in
Mexico. Have fun!” Damn it felt good to send this! 😉
@agathangel. I personally would not have given him the Ego
Stroke and subtle promise of a future reconciliation of “I will
always love you”, but congrats on getting yourself
AC-free.
@ Wasted love. Oh well, I did love him a lot, but it’s
over. My last line was purely sarcastic! He’s going to be here next
week but I am staying strong. I’m keeping sane by writing down
every crappy thing he’s ever done. It helps to see it in black and
white and to read over again instead of living in a fantasy like I
have been for 3 years… I’m taking better care of myself and plan
on cleaning my house from top to bottem today to start a fresh new
year!
I too miss the fantastic sex we had! He is really a
gorgeous man, 6’8″ with a truly toned awesome body. Plus he is 32
and I am 49 so it definitely was an ego stroke! But I have to
realize that this person is a body with no inner shell. No
connections and intimacy with anyone. Words DO speak louder than
actions! We first dated and when out and then I became just a booty
call when he started working overseas (Im in the US)… I want
better than this! I joined eharmony last week so I’m hopeful I can
meet someone who truly does want a relationship…I signed up for 3
months but find I am really picky. I guess that’s a good thing?!!
🙂
@Agathangel. “I too miss the fantastic sex… awesome body.. But I have to realize that this person is a body with no inner shell. No
connections and intimacy with anyone.” Phew! Apart from the 6ft 5 bit, I thought you were talking about my ex-narc there!
And yes, you are right, we HAVE to be brave enough to ‘fess up that if the AC/EUM was younger or “out of our league”, we too got an “ego stroke” from the relationship.
Good luck with eharmony. You and I both know now what we DON’T want. Love & hugs, WL XXXX
Hey, hey hey, based on your physical descriptions, I knew
you weren’t talking about my MM, who is 5o and about 5o lbs
overweight. However, despite the differences in their physical
traits, as well as their ages, they very seem similar in behavior.
It is day 21 of NC. It is weird. There are no distractions. No him.
My daughter is doing fine, despite my hovering. It is quiet. I go
back to teaching in the morning. I miss him and I don’t miss him.
It’s a quiet and weird time. I’m looking forward, however, to
meeting with my 19 year olds tomorrow and teaching
anthropology.
@runnergirl: Your posts affect me deeply, in part b/c my AC-ex has a strong public profile and I imagine that there were women he was involved with that were in the b/g while he took me to public and professional events. I’m also a writer, runner and academic. So much of the time I felt like one of the beautiful things he surrounded himself with to prove his great taste to himself and to the world. Because it has taken me such a long time to believe I am beautiful, being used for it didn’t feel so terrible at first!! Eventually I learned how a smart, fit, attractive younger woman doesn’t necessarily automatically get a great guy, if she ends up with one who needs her like a high-culture prop to his shallower wheel-and-deal inner life. I really have no idea how much we have in common, but I wanted to let you know your story has often struck me deeply. I miss the excitement and worldliness and political buzz of life with my A/C, and the luxuriousness of the wilderness hikes and beach trips and weekend getaways that were his respite from busy life. But it was never “mine”: I could only access it through being on his arm. It was never on my terms: it was only when his schedule permitted. Now I see that there are ways of engaging the world and life that if I work at it, I can give myself. I also see that folks trying to live the fairy tale dream life often have to sweep a nightmare reality under the carpet. I have never felt stronger than knowing that after seeing the lengths that dishonest people will go to to get what they want, that if I stay in my integrity and stay mindful of my values, then I can go after whatever I want without feeling guilty. Again, no clue if this is at all relevant for you. I know you’re pretty fresh into the NC. My best to you.
Wow Lynne, your response is very relevant. Thank you so
much. It sounds like we may have been with the same person, playing
different roles. While I was the one in the b/g, I always thought,
until I read your response, that because I could not attend “his”
political events and be by “his” side, I was number 2. Your
description of a “high culture prop to his shallower wheel-and-
deal life” is perfect. I don’t know where you live but in the US we
call that “arm candy”. A few folks in our inner circle knew the
truth and your description is spot on, even though I couldn’t be at
the big kid table. Your comment ” I also see that folks trying to
live the fairy tale dream life often have to sweep a nightmare
reality under the carpet”, really struck home. I read your post
this morning and thought about it all day, that comment in
particular, as well as living life on his terms. Although I know
I’m not supposed to dwell on him, I wonder how much his wife (not
arm candy) was sweeping under the carpet. I know now, I was
sweeping a ton of dust, dirt, and crap under the carpet daily, in
hopes that I could be his arm candy one day. Talk about denial,
distraction, delusion, and BS. I wish I could end this by counting
calories and getting on the treadmill. It is odd. In October, my
work insanity ended in a crushing blow. I did not get appointed to
the admin postion I had worked hard for for the last five years.
Thus, back to the classroom today. It was crushing or so I thought
at the time. The classroom was great today. I think once the work
insanity stopped, I had time to focus on my relationship insanity
which ended in December. That is probably not a coincidence. Like
you, albeit not so glamorously, I lived my life on his terms. It
was the same story, “whenever his schedule permitted”. I don’t
remember how that happened. I keep trying to have the honest
conversation with myself and I cannot honestly recall how I ended
up at his beck and call. It happened slowly, unconsciously, and was
based in denial. I’m back in the classroom with no work related
stress. I’m alone at home with no stress from being involved with a
MM. My kid is doing great as long as I keep transferring money. It
is calm. Did you have this moment of calmness? We do seem to have a
lot in common. I am a runner, writer, and academic. Thank you for
your response. We are not alone. Why didn’t I stay in my integrity
two years ago? You give me hope. Thank you.
Thanks to you, too, runnergirl. Here’s to teaching and writing and running and – to relaxing. To calmness, and also to the intense focus we can tap into because of that calmness and lack of drama. To becoming present at the big kids’ table on our own merit, if we want. I don’t know if you are as ambitious as I am (hence the attraction to ambitious guys, the running, the dieting, etc. and for me, the drivenness), but I am using this time to do some serious thinking about what kind of “whole package” life I’m dreaming of. What kind of “feeling tone” I’d like my life, and the life I offer to share with someone else, to have. There has to be depth. It’s 4 months of NC for me today. My mind gets clearer and clearer. My writing gets better and easier. My friendships feel closer. But I am definitely also feeling feelings that are way unpleasant. They’re not about losing HIM, they’re about losing illusions. So icky. But bring it on! I think the biggest AC is inside me and I’m finally shining a light on that voice in me that basically agrees that I deserved the crap treatment I got. (I’m lazy, I’m disorganized, I’m not a go-getter, I’m not a winner, I’m too sensitive, I’m arrogant … blah blah blah). That’s the one AC I can’t walk away from: that’s the one that needs to do all the work I was waiting for my ex to do. ^_^
Hi Lynn, I think my epiphany came from reading this blog
and various posts about being emotionally unavialable. Of course,
he is married and therefore unavailable. But when I applied the
information to me, YIKES. Talk about a long conversation with self!
I’m feeling those unpleasant feelings too. You are right, though.
My unpleasant feelings are facing the reality that I was creating
illusions, distractions, and creating my sorrow. He was a willing
participant in my illusions, distractions, and sorrow. But I kept
being there and then, in the most delusional way, blaming him. I’m
not creating excuses for him. We were in it together. We decieved
our family and friends, and most importantly, ourselves. My
unpleasant feelings are trying to deal with how incredibily
emotionally unavailable I am. Like you said, I cannot walk away
from me, despite my AC ways. I agree, “bring it on”. Additionally,
it’s getting kind of late for me to learn this lesson again. You
raise another interesting point about ambition. Everyone who knows
me describes me as ambitious. I don’t. I do think, however, that if
I want to be present at the big kids table, it will be my decision
and based on merit. Not on his arm. For now, like you, I’ll be
tapping into the calmness and the intense feelings
therein.
It’s only sex! Trust me, your self-worth is so much more
important than a sexual act-Everyone that has moved on, has
survived not having sex with the ex. How about outstanding sex with
someone who appreciates you and loves you? You will only get past
the ambiguity if you decide to take the leap. If you don’t you will
certainly prevent yourself from getting involved with a decent man.
Wasted, a healthy man will only be attracted to a healthy woman.
Ditch the loser!!!!!
Yay agathangel! That’s my plan too, to sign up on eharmony
come summertime. I will also be reading this blog, keeping a
journal, hanging out on a relationship message board, and reading
“Women Who Love Too Much” and “Why Men Love Bitches”. The first, to
figure myself out; the second, to arm myself (so to speak 🙂 My NC
is already successful and I know he won’t be contacting me. He had
a major case of “grass is greener” – if he didn’t cheat he was darn
close. E.g. showing me his phone saying “See, it’s just you” in the
message history. Oh thanks! He was a big time future faker too,
which is what burned me the most.
I’ve been chasing a man for two and a half years and I ask myself, ” why”? He became engaged to another woman and we still met up, he called me to discuss his life and all his problems, he suggested I become a permanent mistress and give him what he didn’t get from his girlfriend -the sex oh the list of bull shit goes on and on. My epiphany moment came on New Years Eve when this man suddenly sent nine texts in a row after putting me on a no text or call diet for over a month, and this followed by a phone call of over 40 minutes where he regailed me of all the things his fiancee does not do for him. She even bought him totally rubbish Christmas presents and then wanted to leave the house at 2am in the morning to leave him. so he is sending her mental as well!! I just listened to this tirade and thought, “You are a really unpleasant person who is using me because you think I want to help and care for you and I like having sex with you, in fact I really don’t want any more of your bullshit! You’re just a mean asshole, who is cheating on your finacee, bad mouthing your relationship, being disloyal and spreading insanity to normally sane women! ” I started the year in no contact. he then immediately invited me to meet up with him..almost laughable in the face of being told that I don’t want to see him again, I am not “there” for him and I don’t want to have long conversations about his bullshit! I am now seeing the hooks he has used to foster this non relationship and I just can look away and feel disinterested. This man once told me “we aren’t even in a relationship!” With that comment and his total nastiness about his fiancee and his attempt to reel me in, I am just appalled with myself for not seeing it earlier and I am so glad I am seeing the light and cutting this distraction from my life and focusing my attentions on me and my life. It really is like I’ve been alseep in my own life! Time to wake up!
Josie
I liked your post! I know it’s not funny – but it made me laugh! What an asshole! I wish I could have an epiphany moment – the demise of my “relationship” with the EUM (probably asshole as well) is slow and painful for me. I am mangaing to remain NC – five months now – with only the odd, and largely insignificant, blip. I have my good days where I feel positive and free of the shit of it all, but I am going through a prolonged period of bad days…thinking about it all too much… thinking of all the things I’d love to say to him. Somedays I feel I *need* to say them – and not to an unsent letter – TO him. Then I simply remind myself that saying them would only upset me and wether I think so now or not, I know I’d juts be ven more angry when he made no response… and I believe he wouldn’t – I know him well enough for that. I am realising what a trench I have really been in – and still am, though I am physically out, I am emotionally drained and sometimes hanging on by a thread to what equilibrium I know I can feel – but it hangs in very shaky balance. Sometimes I feel I am walking a n emtional tightrope; I could lose my balance at any time – and I know it’s a long way down there!!
I liked what you said about realising what an unpleasant person he actually is. I am beginning to see this now about my ex… my mind is opening – with chinks of light – to the possibility that he really is an unpleasant human being, and the pleasant aspects of his nature only (and barely) conceal what is only a hair’s breadth away at any given time – the hostility that he can put into action at a moment’s notice is astonishing and actually is quite chilling. I always knew I was a step away from being put on a “no text or call diet” as you so well put it, for weeks at a time. And yet he can be (or appear to be) very caring and tender as well – but never when it really, really matters, never when it would signify a commitment to me or to “us”. I just don’t understand any of it. I don’t understand how I could have loved someone for so long that actually when I scrape a little beneath the surface doesn’t appear to give a shit about me.
In order to maintain the NC and keep my brain clear of the good times and the good things and the nostalgia and the being in love with him, I find it necessary to focus my mind on how unpleasant he can be; I replay all the shit in my head just to remind myself of why I am doing this NC; why I need to leave it, let it go and let it be… but these thoughts are also debilitating and distressing… yes they keep me from breaking NC, but they also make me miserable and edgy. So I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place.
I seriously envy those who are “sensible” enough to have had an epiphany. By rights I should have had a thousand epiphanies by now – all the material to allow for it is there… what’s wrong with me?!!! Where’s my epiphany?? Who stole it?!! 🙂
Fearless
You HAVE been sensible. You haven’t seen him for five months. It’s okay to be emotional and have regrets, you had a relationship (of sorts) for ten years. You don’t have a heart of stone.
I’ve been single for five years; it was only through recent counselling lasting about six months that I’ve realised what was going on in my gut. I can’t say it was an intellectual or emotional problem, something much deeper than that was driving the bus. I chose a male counsellor. I wanted to have a non-dangerous man in my life who I could discuss this with.
Together with this site, it has really helped me join the dots and explain to my satisfaction how I let it all happen.
Thanks Grace for your kind comment. No, don’t have a heart
of stone – it’s realising that he has one of those that upsets
me… and I’m tired, just so tired of dealing with being with him
and now dealing with not being with him…. and wishing that if it
has to be like this can I just then please have those ten years
back and start again? I can see from your posts tha your
experiences have too been quite severe and prolonged; you have done
so well. I thought about counselling – for the first time in my
life- when I first went NC in July… but I never followed it up..
if I don;t feel any better about all of this in a few months time I
may look for some form of counselling… I think I just forget what
it’s like to be or to feel “normal”, if I ever was – I don’t
remember! Thanks F
Dear Fearless – I have been following your posts for months
now and I really feel for you. It’s clear you are trapped, confused
and struggling to break free from a long term but limited
relationship. Your posts alternate between strength, anger and
rage, confusion, and realizing this guy is not good for you. Where
is your epiphany? I am not sure you really want to have one yet. I
don’t mean that you haven’t begun to head in that direction. You
just haven’t really let go of the relationship yet. When I first
began reading this site, it was because (like everyone else here to
start, I would guess), I was looking for ways to figure him and his
stuff out, to understand what was happening to me and to (I’m sick
at writing this) find a way to get him back, only better and
wanting to be in the relationship this time. Once I went NC (7
months and counting, not a single slip!!!), I began to see him and
his crap for what it was. He treated me horribly, was frighteningly
controlling and manipulative and never cared a bit about me. I was
to worship and service him and ask for nothing in return. When I
began to express my needs and expectations, I was pounded and
humiliated until I learned my lesson. As I began to read more and
more on this site, I discovered I didn’t like myself very much and
that was why I was in this terrible relationship. When I first
started reading, it was tryng to figure out why some women’s jerk
guys kept coming back and was desperate for my jerk guy to come
crawling back. He tried a couple times but by then I had figured
out he was crap, knew I deserved better and made it clear I wasn’t
the least bit interested in anything he offered, which was nothing.
He disappeared, completely and totally and I never ever expect to
hear from him again. I have changed all my numbers, my email — he
couldn’t find me if he wanted to. All to send the very clear
message that he was history. Natalie said in a recent response to a
reader that “he’ll know he’s history when he is history” and that
is absolutely true. You will stop analysing his texts (or lack of
texts). You will stop wanting and needing any contact. Your day
will cease to revolve around him, whether he is there or not.
Fearless, with absolute respect, it is clear from your posts that
you are not ready to send that message yet and believe me, your guy
knows it. He doesn’t have to do anything at this point because he
knows you will be there if and when he wants to bother with you
again. It doesn’t end till you end it and believe me, when you
really make that decision, he will sense the difference and be
gone. Guys like this don’t want to bother with anyone they can’t
manipulate and control. They aren’t interested in anyone who is
going to call them on their crap. They also know when they are
wasting their time with someone who can’t still be manipulated.
When you are really ready to move on. When you honestly believe you
deserve better. When you honestly care more about you than him, it
will end. I don’t know if it comes as a great big epiphany. I think
its just a slow progression towards not tolerating bad treatment
anymore. It comes when truly being alone feels better than the bad
place you are in. It comes when the hurt no longer is oddly
comforting or comfortable but becomes the warning sign it is meant
to be —-that something is very wrong and it is time to move away
from the thing that is hurting you. You have invested 10 years in
this man and it doesn’t sound like you have been very happy for
much or any of it. Until you honestly believe you deserve and want
better, no epiphany is coming. Everyone here supports you and
wishes you the very best. We would all love to see you break free
and be happy. It can and will happen, when you truly turn your
focus onto you. Forget him. I have yet to read a post by you that
honestly suggests you are not still totally focused on him and his
nonsense. I know its impossible to forget 10 years like that and no
one expects that you should. But there is nothing you are going to
read or learn or discover that is going to change him. You really
can only change you. All the best.
Sarah,
Thank you. Your post is spot on. You have me figured out! Every word you say is true.
You said:
“It’s clear you are trapped, confused
and struggling to break free from a long term but limited
relationship. Your posts alternate between strength, anger and
rage, confusion, and realizing this guy is not good for you. Where is your epiphany? I am not sure you really want to have one yet.”
All true. And yes, I have not yet accepted that it is over. I can’t seem to get to that place. “He will know it’s history when it’s history”. Yes. I noted that phrase of NML’s as well – it’s so true. But do I care what he knows? I don’t think I care what he knows (maybe this is my problem) – even that he probably thinks I will still be there… he probably does, but he also knows on some level that his days of an easy ride are well and truly over. To be honest, I don’t much now think about what he might think… all I know is that he is not trying to come back to me and neither am I trying to come back to him. But I agree, he knows enough to think that he could get another chance… he doesn’t want another chance…he knows it’d just lead to the same place we are in now.. I think he has had enough of the roundabout… he has had enough of my discontent… he knows as well that really I have had enough of it as well.
…And really I know that I have had enough too…I know that I could not resume anything with him as it was before – I know now that there is no way he would get the same deal from me – I couldn’t inagine having sex with him now, for example… it just would not happen…I do not feel any pull to contact him for sexual purposes… and this was one of the things that used to keep me hooked. But I would not sleep with him now… I would not be having any of it. So, I have I know definitely moved beyond the place where I would be vulnerable to the re-set button. I do not want to go back to where we were. I baulk at the idea. Would I want to go forward? Honestly, Yes of course I would. I wanted him in a better relationship. That’s what I would want if it was to be had. But I know that’s pie in the sky… so is winning the lottery, but I still put my ticket on every week with millions of others… and I suppose the psychology of it must bear some relationship. Do I expect to win the lottery? Of course not. Do I expect a decent relationship from this man? No of course not. Do I want one? Yes.
Now for me it’s just about making that final mental and emotional leap over the fence. I know it’s hard to walk away from him, I have tried so many times before and it was – at risk of sounding silly – just too hard. I think though, even knowing it is hard, that I have underestimated just how really hard it would be to walk away and MEAN IT. Really mean it. When I came on this site, I heeded the advice to “trust in the process” of NC. I went with it regardless of how I “feel”. I am hoping that the process will work for me, eventually, that if I stay NC for long enough, my feelings will catch up. I have tried not to worry about the odd blip and just get back on the wagon – and that is what I intend to continue to do… I don’t say yet I am fully clear of falling off… some days I think I might go with the “suck it and see” and maybe that would give me renewed impetus to stay on the wagon – as I know what it would taste like!!! But I don’t picture suck it and see as us falling into bed; I am not in that place… I just mean ‘contact’.
On the up-side, I know I have changed my outlook – just not far enough yet and I am struggling with the “next step”… I have come so far and I am not sure, if you like, ”what happens now?’ Intellectually, I know the answer is ‘nothing’!! That is what is supposed to happen – nothing! Maybe I am just not sure how I feel about ‘nothing’. What I tell myslf is that what nothing is, is just getting on with your life… get up every morning and try not to fret about it all and just do what you have to do and one day, this will fall into place and fall into the past!!
I live in hope! Thanks Sarah for your thoughts. I enjoyed your post – it made me think that maybe I really do need to fidn the strength to dig deeper.
Hey there Fearless, Although I’m new to this, I found a
good article on a website called “Hubpages”. The title of the
article is “Relationships Ending: The Five Stages of Grief After a
Break Up”. It is a good article applying the Kubler-Ross grief
process to the loss of a relationship. I thought I was losing it. I
was fliping to anger, denial, bargaining back to denial, in and out
of anger, and then to bargaining, all in the short time of 23 days.
Sarah’s description and that article was immediately what came to
mind when I read your post. I know I’m experiencing the stages,
whether I’ve had an epiphany or not. Sadness and depression are a
part of the grief process. I’ve slipped into that phase as well.
Clearly, I’m not an expert but your comment sounds familiar (“some
days I think I might go with the “suck it and see” and maybe that
would give me renewed impetus to stay on the wagon – as I know what
it would taste like!!! But I don’t picture suck it and see as us
falling into bed; I am not in that place… I just mean ‘contact’”)
When I’m doing that, I think I’m bargaining. My bargaining goes
like this, “I’m NEVER going to be that woman, the other woman, but
I just want to talk with him and see how things are going in his
new job. I’m not going to get sucked into being the other woman
again, so it wouldn’t hurt”. My best bargaining thinking happened
this afternoon. I had a follow-up mamogram and there are some
issues. I have a needle biopsy next week. You know exactly what I
thought and who I wanted to call, right? I haven’t. I called my
daughter and my best girlfriend. I’m with you completely regarding
the “nothingness”. I think for me, the “nothingness” is quiet,
calm, and peaceful. As I’ve written before, it just feels weird. I
sense from your posts that you have changed your outlook and it is
“far enough” for precisely where you are now. Congratulations. Your
replies and posts have been such an inspiration to me. I wish I
could be there for you.
Please forgive me for coming back to this – I was very
intrigued by Sarah’s post (I’ve read it four times!) Firstly, in my
previous post I wasn’t stating some firm standpoint that I hold to
in saying that yes, I of course I want a decent relationship with
him… I was trying to be honest about what I *really* feel, not
expressing a wish to feel it, if you see what I mean. My wish is
that I didn’t want anything from him. If Sarah is around could she
illucidate a littlle on this: “Natalie said in a recent response to
a reader that “he’ll know he’s history when he is history” and that
is absolutely true. You will stop analysing his texts (or lack of
texts). You will stop wanting and needing any contact. Your day
will cease to revolve around him, whether he is there or not. I
wondered what Sarah meant by ‘I will stop analysing and needing and
wanting etc…’ When do you mean? See, I am assuming that the
stopping wanting and needing, will come first and when that happens
he’ll be history, and when he is that he’ll know it. However I am
reading that Sarah is suggesting I make him history… then the
next part follows… i.e. as Sarah did by changing all her numbers
etc… then the needing and wanting stops… can it work like that?
I have thought of ways I can sever all connections… if the
problem was him contacting me and trying to draw me in to more of
same shit, then I could at least change all my numbers… but
here’s the laugh… it would need to be him that changed all HIS
numbers and email address cos I am not worried about him contacting
me trying to drag me in to same shit – I am worried about ME trying
to drag me into same shit!! As Sarah says, I am always baffled by
posters on the site saying they have changed all their contact
details when they went NC to stop him trying to drag them back in
to same shit…I don’t have to change my contact details or block
his emails – If anyone should know it’s history when it’s history,
it’s me! I don’t quite know what point I am making, except that I
seem to be all back to front with this stuff… Here’s something I
did do last week ago when I felt my fingers twitching to text him
some benign rubbish…I never remember anyone’s mobile number – not
even my own – I need to refer to my phone’s memory or have them
written down somewhere… so I deleted all traces of his mobile
number from my mobile phone and burned the page in my address book
where I had it written down (cos I have deleted his number in the
past for same reason and then went hunting in cupboards for the
address book!). So I couldn’t send him a text now even if I
“wanted” to… so it is me who has to get rid of HIS contact
details, not mine!! That is helpful to keep me away from texting,
but I do still have his email address etc.. it can be found on-line
anyway… then if I “wanted”contact I would need to physically go
and seehim, which I would be very unlikely to do… Maybe my point
is that IF I could get rid of all possible ways for me to contact
him, then I would do it. I would take a deep breath first, but I
would do it. I think I would then feel that it was done, as I would
not expect to hear from him (possibly he would make some contact
after a very very long time)… but to all intents and purposes I
would know he was “gone”. Is there anyway for me to disallow myself
use of his email address?? Anyone know this? See what I mean? It’s
all back to front!… maybe it’s me whose the EUW/AC???!! OMG!!!
🙂
Fearless- I’m glad you read my post and gave it some
thought. I have been thinking about your replies and can really
feel where you are – I passed through the same place myself a while
back. Like you, when I went NC, I did it more as a reflex, partly
because I assumed he would come running (he didn’t, although he did
break it a few times when it suited him). In fact, I had to ask for
his help in not contacting me, because I wasn’t positive I could
keep it up on my own. I know how strong the draw is to make contact
some times, although it never ever results in what you hope it will
(them coming to their senses, admitting they were wrong, falling in
love the way you wanted and living happily ever after). What really
helped me was to really see what he was doing and saying. I had put
a positive spin on everything, because I had wanted so badly for
things to mean what I wanted them to mean. What woke me up was
seeing them and hearing them for what they really meant. What also
helped immensely was to hear what other people thought of him.
Because of my relationship with him, everyone had always said
either nothing about him in front of me or were positive about him.
When it became clear we were over, what people really thought got
revealed and it helped me see him as controlling, manipulative,
uncaring, selfish – if its bad, he’s it. Once I stopped adoring
him, I saw the way he treated me – tellling me to take down
pictures in my living room he didn’t like, literally telling me
what to think and feel, how he criticized every single thing I did.
He was abusive, physically, emotionally and mentally. I couldn’t
remember the last time I had gotten a compliment or even heard
anything nice. Everything I had thought was loving or caring was
just control. So, at that point, when he wanted his ego stroked and
was ready to reestablish the crap relationship on his terms, I
really wanted nothing to do with him. I knew for absolute certain
that nothing positive was coming and that all I was going to get
was more of the same crap, and be treated even worse, as the
honeymoon period was now over for him and he no longer felt he even
needed to be nice to me to keep me hanging around. So I changed my
contact info and when I received any communication from him
(usually emails or texts), I deleted them without reading them,
never replied and after I changed my contact info, they disappeared
completely. I get what you are feeling and thinking. You want to be
done with it but if you are honest, you really aren’t done with it
yet. You are still clinging to that last little spark of hope. As
long as you even entertain the idea that things might change, he
might come back better than before or that you even want to see him
again, you haven’t let go. Once I got mad, got real about what was
going on and saw him for what he was, I never wanted to see or hear
from him again and any energy I had left for him went into that. A
mutual friend told me he knew without question that things had
changed and that there was no longer any point in contacting me. We
all go through this our own way and in our own time. I have learned
so much from this site and couldn’t even think about doing it
without it. I hope I never have to do it again. I have come to like
myself and know that I deserve better. I am sad I sunk so low and
thought so little of myself that I put up with his crap but it was
the price I had to pay to get where I am now. I was only in the bad
relationship for a few months, so I can’t imagine what having
invested 10 years must feel like. Stay NC for whatever reason you
can find that works. Work and focus on yourself. Growing to hate
him may not work for everyone —– although it was certainly good
for me and believe me he deserved it. If you are holding onto hope,
let it go. If you still want validation from him, figure out why.
All I can say is that it took months and was one of the hardest
things I have ever had to do but I can say with absolute honesty
that my AC is history and it feels great. I tried to rush through
the process and it cost me. I went through the whole “why can’t we
be friends” thing and thought up stupid reasons to break contact
and thought I was over him when I really wasn’t. No great epiphany.
I had to work through the grief and anger and let go of the dream
and hate him and miss him and learn to like myself and a whole lot
of other stuff. Letting go of the dream him was the hardest bit.
What really did it for me was to see how far the dream him was from
the real him. Seeing his hateful, uncaring response to my pain
helped immensely. I don’t know if I could have done it if he had
just been indifferent or (god forbid) had been decent about the
whole thing. After months of relating to the fantasy version of him
in my head, meeting the real him came as a shock but one I really
needed. Best of luck. You will make it. We are all rooting for
you.
Fearless,
my situation is inescapably hilarious if it wasn’t downright pathetic! I mean where was my brain when I had just had great sex with this man and then he wouldn’t hold my hand in the street in case his fiancee or friends saw! Which planet were my values on when I knew I sleeping with some other woman’s fiancee and he was still texting me on his first holiday with her, three weeks after becoming engaged? In which dusty corner of my mind, did I reason it was reasonable for an intellligent and not bad looking women to sit around waiting for this dipstick to call? Where on earth did my sense of humour vanish to ..I mean was it under the bed with all my dirty cups because I sure as hell was a miserable sad old stick for two years and my house was a dirty pit due to my apathy read depression! Who said If you love someone they will love you back!!”? if I get my hands on them they will be throttled…ah I think it was me! Why did I put myself on the pink brick road to delusion land because someone was getting straight A’s in bed but F minus in treating people right? My vagina really does have no brain cells and my heart isn’t far behind. Always engage brain if you want some sense! Yes I am laughing, because what I have come to realise was that I wasn’t the only women that this man had treated like this and here are some red flags ladies to knock yourself out with, I ddn’t see them because I had on dark glasses and was deaf as a post and I really wanted to be loved read desperate and low self esteem and he was very clever from the start in hiding himself:
1. He liked to go shooting and kill birds as targets…mmmmm
2. He said his ex wife claimed he raped her..mmmm
3. I became pregnant and he told me he had gone off to Iraq as a security contractor and I didn’t hear a beep from him for six months. That was a lie;
4. when I called him he said his phone was being used by someone else in the company also a lie he put on a funny voice; twat
5. he was random about returning calls;
6. He would talk about ex girlfriends and his ex wife in disparaging ways;
7. He became engaged and still continued chatting and seeing me;
8. in my first meeting with him he said when you get to know me you probably won’t like me!” no shit and yes ladies that was the red flag..I wish I had heard it then in that first date, it was a warning if you get in bed with me I will treat you mean, yank your chain and genererally wee all over you if you will let me! I let him!
I don’t need to say any more except I really do pity the poor woman who has the asshole as a partner. Its no wonder on their Christmas Eve she was prepared to leave the house at 2am in the morning with snow on the ground and an armed response unit from the police were on his doorstep.
I see now I had a narrow escape. So now no more of him and onto me..off to a slimming class tonight to whittle away all the buns I ate to stave off my misery, tomorrow band practice, makes a change blowing a trimpet instead of some idiot..oh yes welcome back the real Josie ..nice to see my sense of humour..come out to play, I had forgotten I had you!! Thought the bitter twisted sad crying wet hankie was really me, nice to discover that I am still in here somewhere..!
Josie! I pity the poor woman who got the asshole too – she
has one the booby prize!! You are a hoot and a breath of fresh
air…thank goodnss you have found a sense of humour (did you steal
mine, as well as all my epiphanies!! 🙂
@Josie – you are a hoot! Thanks for the post, it really made me laugh. We have all been there. I think ‘what the hell was I thinking!?’ is a common mantra on this site.
@Fearless – you will have up and down days, just don’t give in to them. You lived most of your life without him in it – you can do it again now. You don’t need him, you are just *used* to him, which is completely different. It’s hard starting again, making changes, it takes guts and you do have them! You will come out of this and one day NC won’t even be an effort. Keep going. The sense of humour and joy for life will return, believe me.
I’ve bumped into my ex EUM a few times in recent weeks. I felt nothing. He’s just a guy I once went out with and we’re civil to each other because we have mutual friends. I am currently seeing a wonderful bloke and trying desperately not to balls it up with all my idiotic drama nonsense. Two months ago I wouldn’t have thought all this possible, I thought I would be stuck in my weepy trench forever. It is possible. You WILL get there.
Hi Everyone. This is a bad week for me. My EUM is in the
states and come Wednesday he will be here. We were supposed to get
together but told him it was over in an email Dec. 26. I have tried
to remain strong but all of a sudden I am cleaning the house
frantically. Why? Am I getting it ready for him or for me? I have
been very depressed and apathetic and have let the place go.
Finally put all the Christmas crap away tonite and feel better. I
know I don’t want to see him but can’t seem to help myself with all
this cleaning… I hope and pray he just doesn’t call. It will hurt
in a way but will be the best thing. What will happen if he does
call? Part of me wants to answer to try and tell him how I feel and
the other parts says don’t effing bother… I hate this feeling,
I’m so anxious!
AA,
Please don’t answer, it will get you no where.
He has clearly shown you that you are a low priority by setting so little time aside. Don’t you want someone that puts you at the top of their list?
Block him or turn off the phone!
Remember, they are not children. He is clearly aware of what he is doing.
Oh Allison, it’s been a rough ride. He came home last Thursday and I totally resisted him. He texted/emailed and called for two days but when I asked him the hard questions, he couldn’t answer! After he left my response was to fall into a deep depression for 4 days that I am now just getting out of. I feel like a newborn chick but someone with resolve. I have deleted all of his texts/emails and know I don’t ever want to be friends with this person again. But still, it hurts so much…
Sarah wrote an interesting comment about relationships being over when they are over and when people sense there is no more milage in manipulating you. Once you are able to put YOU first and not bother if some guy is in your state and whether he may call and use you as a booty call, until that point you still have some emotional investment in the idiot.
Its hard to continue no contact but it becomes easier when you really look at what is in it for you, I mean really and you ask yourself the question, if this person didn’t respect me , treated me badly, lied, cheated or whatever, why on earth would I really need to worry about whether or not he contact me again. Its like spitting out a nasty tasting piece of food then wanting to lick it again….why you already know it tastes bad!
Letting go of bull shit and delusions that you hold yourself isn’t easy either because these people wouldn’t get into your life if you didn’t open the door to them. I have done a lot of work on wondering how and why I got into the mess I was in and what signals I gave to invite a fool into my life. Now that’s the stuff to be working through for yourself not whether some asshole may call. No one gets in unless you let them in. These people are like vampires, you have to let them enter in THEN they suck your life’s force!
That’s just my experience for what it is worth. I now truely believe my life is about ME, maybe that’s swinging all the way to the other side but its a start to throw the spot light on myself and my total fabulousness not on some asshole and his list of shortcomings!
I do believe now that once an asshole always an asshole which may seem unfair to many an asshole out there! I mean people do change however I have seen and read the e.mails that my EUM sent to other women years after the relationships ended, maybe three years later, in one case he was e/mailing one woman 22 years after the relationship ended. He received no reply from her ever, but some guys don’t give up on thinking they can reel you in. So its from your end that you need to decide that its over. Its over when you truely act like its over.
I have a close friend whose relationship with a married man ended as he just totally vanished and never returned her calls or e.mails for 7 years, then he contacts her out of the blue before Christmas on facebook wanting to be friends and now they are dating. What was so very friendly about dropping off the planet for 7 years without any explanation? You have to ask yourself why is she bothering. She believes he had a good reason..I believe she is deluding herself because we ladies get fed a diet of fairy stories where our true love is out there. Believe you me if my true love is out there he needs to get with the programme, treat me well to build my trust, respect my values and have a large cock (just threw that one in to check you were awake!)
I’m no expert on life, but I have learnt that keeping it real for yourself is the only way to go and if that means you have to face some unpleasant truths about yourself then do it because its either that or waste your life on people not worth diddley, who suck the life and motivation out of you. Been there, done that and it was pointlessly a waste of my gorgeous life! Funnily enough when I told the vampire to go and took back my invitation he just vanished never to be seen again. Now aint that a fairy story we have all be wanting to hear!!?
OMG everyone on here has been writing so many thoughts and
feelings that I can totally relate to. Thanks to each and everyone
of you who share their story and their pain with the rest of us! I
am remaining strong and will not see him if he calls tomorrow! I
too have focused on all the nasty things he has done to me in the
past and tell myself I am worth better than this!!!!
“Why, if someone is behaving in this manner are you still there putting up with it or claiming that you’ll never get over them?
If you’re not focusing the bulk of your efforts answering this question and taking appropriate action, you are distracted with looking for solutions in things and people that are out of your control. Your mentality and physical effort (that’s if you’re taking any action) are distracted.”
Yes, guilty of distracting myself with looking for solutions in things and people that are out of my control. Instead of trying to get someone to bend to my will, or be or give me what I need (which they are not capable or have no desire to ) I need to accept the reality and deal with my feelings of rejection and hurt -not do things in an effort to continue to AVOID that. You can’t get over something if you continually resist it. It just perpetuates the vicious cycle and you stay stuck in the pain. We need to take steps that will enable us to process these emotions so we may be free of them and open ourselves up for healing and moving forward to a be free and in line for new life.