Ah yes, CSBF. It can save your life, save your sanity, allow you to relax, and seem less desperate. But is it healthy? Let’s investigate a little further. First off, for those of you unfamiliar with the term, CSBF= Casual Sex Between Friends, now on with the pro’s/con’s.
Pro’s:
– Sex
– Drunken silly meaningless sex
– Hot drunken silly meaningless sex
– Having a friend to talk to
– He leaves when it’s done
– Being able to relax during sex and do things you would normally never do for fear of not being a ‘good girl’
– Calls at 1am (either way)
– No strings attached
– Being able to date without the sex urge, so you can get to know someone knowing you can always ‘get it’ when you need it
– Avoiding the aura of desperateness
– Did I mention hot sex?
Con’s:
– Possible emotional attachment from either party
– He leaves when it’s done (sometimes a girl just needs a good cuddle)
– The ability to do things you wouldn’t normally do, guilt after (although I have never felt this so let me know how that feels)
– Calls at 4am
– No strings attached, meaning either party can walk away at any given point, leaving the other high and dry
– Having possible relationship interests find out about it (ya, not fun)
– The feeling that ‘this is the best I can get, for now’
– Coming in second place
– Possible loss of friendship
– Having to deal with the fact that there might be others (jealousy factor – for both)
As you can see, both lists are quite weighty. And yes, I do have CSBF on occasion. I find myself leaning more toward the ‘pro’ list. I have been able to have a lot of fun, with very very close male friends, who believe it or not, remain very close friends. It is essential in this situation to make sure the ground rules are clearly set out from the get go. If you expect to go out in public with this person, for a drink, a movie, dinner or what have you, make that clear from the beginning. If however, the late night booty call is perfectly acceptable to you and him, then have fun with it, and feel no need for guilt!
In this world of trying to just find someone with whom we feel a deep, long lasting connection with (mainly in vain) it is nice to have someone on standby. You know, for those nights when you feel like you are the only single girl in the world; you don’t feel sexy; you feel dejected by the dating world in general.
It can be an extraordinary ego boost, if approached as such. Who doesn’t need a good ego boost, via an orgasm, every once in a while?
If I finally find someone who I connect with on a much more ‘relationship’ level,
then my friend and I have an agreement that our visits are over. He is fine with that, although he dreads the day and I guess a wee part of me does too.
Oh I know what you are thinking right now, ‘Why aren’t you with this guy?’ It’s a long story but suffice to say, I know what I want in a relationship, and I know he can’t give me what I want and need. Except for this. He gives me love and friendship, and a damn fine time. So that’s the way it is. We both know it. Neither one of us is ‘in love’ with the other, however we love and respect each other as friends, and always will.
So, I say go for it! Why be lonely? Why be miserable? But most importantly,
why be horny????? Oh and this goes without saying but, always play safe – you never know how many csbf’s the other has in their life!
This post was contributed by Cheekie who is based in Ontario, Canada.
Add to favorites 
I have someone i do this with…i did him but he is Indian and basically he and i aren’t going foward. although the issue is he says it is no strings but then he calls me and expects call backs. he miss calls me late at night not once but 4 or 5 times… and then once i didn’t answer he asked if i had someone else over. I DIDN”T. I was just sleeping. So the next day i called him to ask why he asked that. he said he didn’t know. So i asked him, so are you doing this with others and his answer was “NO i am not doing this with multiple people”. I had to go but now I wonder did he mean NO, just with me or what? he is away and i can’t ask him. Does anyone have any insight?
I can see CSBF for comfort, if neither party expects a repeat. And I find that the sex is always better with a partner you have invested yourself in, someone you have committed your self to. I suspect that if the sex is really hot, you are bonding pretty closely — or that one of you has become *very* skilled at dating. Which acts directly against the attitude and aptitude you would have needed to form a lifelong relationship.
I figure we can live in casual relationships, or we can live in a committed relationship. But the longer we live casual, and the better skilled we become, the sharper the cliff that divides the two. Living casually you pick a date for social appearance, for dating skills, for ‘a good time’. For a lifetime relationship you start with a prospect with honor, integrity, and an aptitude for being a life mate and co-parent (whether you intend to make babies or not).
You might add to the ‘con’s’ list, distracts you from finding a good, lifelong mate.
T, that cliff I mentioned between casual and life mate? You might have wanted to draw back,but apparently he is still thinking life mate. Look carefully for his character, his honesty, his loyalty, his discipline, then decide if he might be a good prospect for a life mate. Because he sounds too scary for CSBF.
One of the cons, because I have done this repeatedly as I don’t date, is when you find out your dear friend is not so great in bed, and I’m a… bluntly honest person, and it’s hard for me to sugarcoat things.
Koikana,
What I found, is that ‘good in bed’ varies with who I am with. I don’t think being good with one person is a good predictor whether you will be good with the next.
So I am reluctant to criticize a partner. The biggest problem might be her with me, not me, not her.
Luck!
oh dear… the pros and cons…. its heavy.
i just prefer to keep an eastern european ‘go to’ guy that my friends will never meet. we like each other enough to be friends, but we’re not. it’s been going for 3.5 years now. strange but much safer than doing it with your close friend….
Great timing for this article since I wound up having spontaneous sex with a good friend just last night. It’s happened at a time when I’ve just come off a nine month long distance relationship, and was perfect for the time. It was great and comforting. He asked me to stay, which was very sweet… I had to go. I’m not ready for a relationship and I’m certain we’re both on the same page. He’s much younger than me too (He’s 28 and I’m 42). We agreed that no one needs to know about it, and I told him a few times that it never happend. He was good with it. I may, however, want to give it a go again.
I keep wondering why I don’t feel bad or guilty about it. I keep thinking I should feel like I made a mistake, but I know I didn’t. I wish I didn’t feel like I should/as if something’s wrong with me. I’ve only been single since last March after ending a 19-year marriage. So this is all new to me, and I’m grateful for this informative website.
Yikes! Correction: I’ve been single since March, 2006. Time’s flying by!
I agree, great timing. I have been dating on and off, and now wanting to get serious with someone I’ve known for a while, dated before, but never had sex with (yes, there was intimacy once).
Now that I have told a couple of guys I talk to on msn, they both asked me if I would sleep with them before I get exclusive with this other guy.
I am so tempted, and have a tentative date lined up later this week. I don’t know if I should go for it, because the other guy and I have been seeing alot of each other. However, while we have spent more time together lately, we haven’t grown “closer” or had any real talks and our time together has been with my children in tow (he just loves them and has none of his own).
So maybe we’re more like Casual Emotionalness Between Friends. I don’t suspect there will be alot of sex with him due to reasons I won’t get into, which is why I’m tempted by these other guys. But I do care for him a great deal, and think I should be loyal now, or else I might never will feel I can be loyal to him (I cheated in the past).
i just love this entry!
not that i’m contemplating and it would be utterly impossible to do this living in the philippines (or is it, i may be living in the wrong city!) because of cultural issues, but it gives you an insightful view of how things can be between friends.
I enjoyed reading this article, because it gave me a broader perspective on things, not unlike evie said earlier. I’m contemplating getting into a CSBF arrangement myself, the only problem is my friend is engaged. I don’t know his fiancee, but I have certain moral qualms about that whole thing. It sounds too much like becoming the other woman for me to be comfortable.
And yet, I am very much attracted to this person, and I am soooo horny…..I just don’t know what to do with myself, really. I’m thinking about steering clear of this CSBF thing, just because I’m the kind of person who’s suceptible to become emotionally attatched, and he’s already spoken for…..
Advice anyone? Any imput would be welcome….
Hello Rowan!
My personal advice? As the writer of this one, and having some (ahem) experience in this topic…don’t do it with this guy.
If you already know you get attached easily, and he is spoken for, well it could only go bad. And that is the opposite of what CSBF is all about!
It should be totally NSA, and definitely worry free. You have already worried about it more than need be!
Also, you and I both know he will marry his fiancee and not the “other woman”.
I have had CSBF with “attached” men before, and unless you can totally live with the guilt and the truth, knowing that you will never be “the one”, I do NOT recommend it.
I am sure, if you look closely enough, there are some other male friends out there who would probably LOVE to do this with you!!
If not, let me know, and I will buy more shares of Duracell…LOL
xo to everyone…
cheekie
Rowan, I agree with cheekie, this probably isn’t the match you are looking for. When you state that you are horny specifically for this guy — that is an attachment, not casual at all. It would be better to focus on being a friend, and enforcing normal polite social rules of conduct on yourself. You might meet the bride-to-be, and she might be a friend in the future. Anything you do that confuses his loyalty and devotion to his fiancee would be wrong.
If you are looking for inspiration on addressing your longings, I suggest that you avoid certain movies. ‘The Sweetest Thing’ is shallow. ‘Kissing Jessica Stein’ is mostly about being uptight and Jewish. ‘Bound’ may be one of the more erotic non-adult movies, but really, it is violent and .. well, doesn’t offer answers to most people. One review I saw said that of the adult film ripoffs of ‘The Blair Witch Project’, ‘The Erotic Witch’ project was the first; the flip side ‘making the movie’ part is much more entertaining than the feature, and still mindless exploitation. The John Travolta remake of ‘Hairspray’ that is out is a lot of fun, unless you go to see Travolta in a short skirt.. ‘Sleepless in Seattle’ is much better than the ‘Affair to Remember’ that the movie idolizes, and still doesn’t give real people solutions. ‘Hamburger The Motion Picture’ is just silly.
Casual sex would be like inviting a dozen friends to a pool party, and paying attention to the guy that wants to be the last to wander off. If either of you have serious feelings, or develop serious feelings, for the other, then the arrangement is going to be unfair, and you won’t part as friends.
Just remember — the more successful you are at attracting partners, the less focused you will be at making a real relationship work. Your ‘attract men’ life skill will be a real liability, once you try to settle down with a life mate. IMO.
Hey, Cheekie and Brad:
thanks for the help guys.I had pretty much come to the same conclusion, I guess I just needed to hear it out loud from someone non-judgemental. Thanks again!
~rowan
oh my. this is so fitting for me right now. i was seeking out an arrangement like this. and found it. and it was perfect for about a month. but i guess we made some mistakes along the way. he stayed over all the time. we went on “dates” (for lack of better words). he ended up mixing well with my friends. and then… it just got to be too much. so we ended it. and now after a few weeks of a break, we’re chatting up about making it happen again. i can’t figure out if i’m attached or if i’m just attached to the idea of having someone around again. it’s strange for me. so now i’m just contemplating how i can restructure it into something casual. the sex was tasty! he’s a sweet boy. but yeah, the idea of it ending has always been sort of daunting, but at the same time i agree – it certainly creates a distraction from pursuing other options. do i see him as a life partner? not really. i’m not sure what to make of it.
Hey there Peaches…interesting problem!
I guess I have to say this first because this is what struck me the most, obviously if your casual sex guy has turned into something more unintentionally, then you my dear do not need to worry about distraction from a “real” date or pursuing. You just beat the bloody odds!!! Buy a lottery ticket!
Maybe you should find out his true feelings first, because there is a slight possibility that he a) has developed feelings for you or b) is playing nice to stay in your drawers…you know, maybe he thinks this is what’s expected?
Either way, the main concern is you and whether or not you can be casual with this guy again. It is really hard once you start to develop any deeper feelings to keep the rules of the game in play. So, my advice is hold off with him for a bit longer until you can be 100% sure of what you are looking for with him. And he should do the same, NSA only if that is what you both want, but you have to be prepared to follow through with that.
I cannot stress this one enough GROUND RULES! It is easy to blur the lines if you go see a movie together and hold hands. So no more of that! If you must, rent a “movie” at your place, ahem. 😉
and try to keep the sleepovers to only when you have had too much to drink…that is a toughie
Break a leg Peaches! and take care!
Peaches, The feellings of closeness and attachment are natural. Because you spent so many hours together, your bodies physically adapted to the presence of each other. When you breathe, your breath carries pheromones, your skin gives off pheromones, you breathe in his ‘essence’, etc. And your body, and his, will adapt. Your body chemistries will change.
This is the physical part of bonding, that draws couples together. These are also the physical sensations that accompany picking up a new partner – and lead the ignorant into always wanting new partners so they keep getting that ‘new cow’ rush. Ideally, this binding focuses you on each other, and builds a solid relationship of trust, identity, and .. um .. inertia. A habit of being together. If you pick a good partner, this will set you on a path of togetherness and mutual empowerment and joy.
For casual stuff, you can either keep the contacts to very limited duration, or you will cross paths with nature’s ‘building togetherness forever, or at least until the kids are grown and we are too decrepit to look around’ hormone engine.
IMO.
Thanks much for all of the great tips. Hmm… here’s what i’m thinking. We’ll re-establish ground rules for this scenario. We’ll do that quickly. I mean, we did that to start, but perhaps we were too loose and certainly didn’t abide by much. We just kind of lived in the moment. So, we’ll start over with it. Cheekie, as for your suggestion that I hit the jackpot by having the casual buddy turn more serious… i don’t think that’s really the case. oddly enough, as much as i’m turned on by the idea of something more serious, the truth is i don’t think that would be possible with said boy. i think it’s more likely that the idea of something serious was way more of interest than the idea of something serious w/ him. i guess it’s just how it goes. but i’ve learned a lot through this little arrangement and would highly recommend to all to find one! if nothing else, it gave me a bit more confidence to get back in the game. it also taught me that my communication skills have sharpened since my last attempt! yay for that!
Good girl Peaches!!!
Sounds to me like you are definitely on the right track with this…you are taking the positives out of the arrangement, which I completely agree with.
My arrangement has helped boost my confidence, improve my skills , x rated and otherwise ;), and also allowed me to take my time without giving off a “needy-desperate” vibe. I feel more capable of a relationship that is actually one I want, and not just good enough, because I am not lonely, and not horny (well I am, but that is perpetual).
Cheers and may the force be with ya!!!!
xo
Have to say, well done article! I’m a fan of the pro’s of casual sex promotes and remember that like all things, the con’s in a booty call relationship must be carefully managed, most especially between friends. One thing is for sure that casual dating/sex is on the rise, especially here in states and along with the UK too. One thing I suggest is doing the casual thing with people outside of your close circle, after all there are plenty of people out there and the web is a great tool to find them. Have fun people and of course be safe!
I am glad that I stumbled upon this site… I have been engaging in CSBF’s and my story is identical to Peaches! We have mutual distant friends, and were able to set some ground rules, even though for me this is my first time. Oddly enough what has kept us going is that we are both in long distance relationships… so we are sharing the commonality of feeling guilty in a way. He has told me that his partner is doing the same across the oceans, and they believe when she gets back everything will be okay. However, in my case we have been together for 5 years and the long distance aspect is quite short term. I guess all I can day is that I am dealing with trying to not be emotionally attached and that I fear that it is getting messy. Our friends have mixed and many of my friends are asking who is this really friendly gentleman? If my closest friends found out I would be doomed.
Hello, so good to read this thread. I am not long out of a long term relationship (few months). I was very happy and settled, had bought a house together and I have a son from a previous relationship who got on well with my ex and vice versa, all good. Then, out of the blue, he has finished with me. I have let him go gracefully as I don’t want to try and emotionally make him stay, so thats it and I think i’m still confused and hurt, but want to be positive and move on and try to let it all affect my son as little as possible.
So,onto the casual buddy. Well, a guy at work, who is in my dept, but I don’t work directly with, showed interest in me and I went for a coffee with him, fancy and like him, but not way at all ready for any relationship or anything of that nature… but i’m horny as hell and can’t stop thinking about going to bed with him and things like that!! My son was at his dads and I went out and stayed with my friend, I txt him in the early hours of the morning and he walked to my friends house and we kissed all night (me a little drunk, him sober). It was really good and I explained my view on things and he said he would be happy to have a casual relationship with my and not tell anyone at work. So, thats where I am at. Very excited about getting to bed him…….. but worried about the fact going to see him daily!!!! I would appreciate any views!!!?? :O)
Miss Unsure, messing about at work is going to be messy at some point. Things end, especially casual things. You run the risk of creating a sensation at work – fueling gossip and hard feelings from all kinds of unsuspected quarters.
As for the urges, there are cold showers, hard exercise routines, and .. toys? Guys often indulge in ‘stroke books’ from the wrapped-in-plastic shelves – I imagine gals do, too. Sunflower oil makes a pretty good lube, just don’t let anything get oily – left alone, oily cloth can spontaneously catch fire. I watched a ‘friendly’ couple haul their smoldering sleeping bag out of their car, just in time to save the car. And, I guess they saved the olive oil they were using.
If you are intent on sharing a bed, why aren’t you looking for a good man – one with character, one likely to make a home with you? I worry that if you aren’t with someone you are intent on marrying (or mating, or whichever ritual you adhere to), you waste time when you could be courting someone appropriate. Your body changes to accommodate those close to you, especially when you spend close or intimate time. You will be less likely to notice a dependable life-mate prospect if you are with someone. Being involved, even secretly, will change you. You will acquire habits that won’t be suitable, if you find a long-term companion.
Plus, conducting your life secret from those at work will be a strain, and likely won’t improve your self-esteem.
CSBF sounds great, right out of the 1960’s, the Sexual Revolution, Women’s Liberation, and Friends (the TV show). But it might also be a step along a road of perpetual dating, and never building a family.
what do mean exactly ” Your body changes to accommodate those close to you, especially when you spend close or intimate time. ” And that the cliff between csbf and a committed relationship becomes sharper.” THese are fascinating statements — Thanks for any insights you can provide. I am always grateful for self knowledge.
hi,
i have a friend since last 2 years. She is a girl friend of one my best friend. But i always wnat to sex with her (not physical), but i can’t get any change. Her body style, her talking style always attrack me towards her. But she even treated me as brother.I can’t talk with her freely regarding sex. I can’t control my self. I how can i sex with her without knowing my friend and without breaking our friendship. How can i convence her. Plz give me some tips………..
deepshika – are you sure you are asking this question at the right place, in the appropriate company? Most of Baggage Reclaim’s posts and visitors are about people that have been hurt by past relationships – often by people that don’t establish a relationship based on trust, respect, discipline, and honesty.
Instead you seem to embrace sex as an activity aside from what a couple does – help each other grow in all ways. You are willing to keep a sexual encounter secret from your friend (deceive him), have sex with the lady, and never consider what she would get from the encounter.
My advice? Be honest, respect yourself and her and your friend. And keep your mouth shut about your desires. Instead, consider what respect means, what values there are in finding someone to bind yourself to for life. And look to find someone of good character. Someone that would be fun to spend time with. Plan on meeting each other’s families before getting intimate.
Learn that your desire is not a gift to her, unless you have already made her a gift of the rest of your life – and she has accepted.
If your friend and the lady happen to separate, keep your friendships with each as alive as possible, at the friend level only. If she later comes to think of you in more permanet – life-mate – terms, consider what the right thing to do might be at that time.
There are women that want the casual hookup, or even anonymous encounter. Please don’t confuse players with women that want a life-mate.