Lisa Q writes…
Recently, one of my best friends ended her relationship with a classic EUM (Mr Unavailable). In the time that’s passed since then, she has started to make some connections about the kind of men she has attracted in the past and found that common EUM thread. She also believes them all to be narcissists.
Whether they truly were or not I’m not sure, but at the least, they all shared narcissistic tendencies. Thus, she has begun to examine what it is about her own beliefs about herself that has caused her to attract these men. And that’s all well and good, but when do you get to the point where you are overanalyzing and overthinking it?
As she begins to date and meet men, she has begun to look for those tendencies which were so prominent in her past relationships. Again, all well and good. Except that now, she almost believes every man she meets is narcissistic.
Recently, she met a guy at a club. A few weeks later, we went to eat at the restaurant where he works as a bartender. At that point, she got his number. Shortly after, she called him. After that initial phone call, she told me that it was a nice conversation. She said that she knew men loved to talk about themselves so she steered the conversation in that direction and away from talking about herself. Warning bells went off in my head, but whatever.
A few weeks later we saw him at the club again and afterwards, they had a long phone conversation. She seemed to like him. 
Right up until a few days later when she decided he was a narcissist. This she determined because during conversations all he wanted to talk about was himself. Never mind that she had instigated this kind of conversation!
In the weeks that followed, he began to talk about all the girls wanting to go out with him and some drama involving a friend of his in which he came out looking like the hero. Is he a narcissist? I couldn’t tell you. Maybe he is and maybe he’s not, but she has decided he is and wants nothing more to do with him.
The point is, though we know our patterns and we become aware of having attracting one kind of man, we have to be careful not to project that onto every man we meet.
Is every man we meet a narcissist because he talks about himself? No. Especially not if we have initiated that kind of conversation.
Yes, we need to be watchful and aware and not let ourselves be taken in by assclowns and douchebags, but we also need to be careful not to overthink and categorize every man by those standards. That is not only unfair to them, but it may very well lead us to dismissing a man who could be anything other than what we think he is at first blush.
LisaQ is the lady behind the fab blog 40s Singleness, sharing her dating experiences and her emotional journey as she embraces herself and what lies ahead.
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Most of these men know better than to let that cat out of the bag the first couple contacts. Its after dating for awhile and he relaxes that its becomes more evident. Of course that is when we start to get stars in our eyes.
I think it is really important to not have a pre-written “script” when we meet men, especially when trying to break the pattern of being attracted to EUMs. As hard as it may be, when we are getting to know someone, we need to consider them and ourselves like a blank slate without preconceived notions about how it may turn out. True, we need to learn from our past experiences, but shouldn’t carry the baggage along so that it biases our perceptions of the men we meet. This is a hard one, because I can see myself possibly doing the same thing when the next man comes into my life because I am so afraid of going through the pain again of loving an EUM! I just hope that I can be myself and not put him under the microscope of being a possible EUM. I think a big part of this is projecting yourself in a more confident, secure and self-loving way so that you don’t attract EUMs to begin with…..then there is nothing to worry about.
Wow, there are some great comments on this site. And, of course, great articles!
I think it can take a really long time to get to know someone. And before we start pinning all our hopes for the future on someone we ought to take that time.
Really, it all begins and ends with US. Not only do we train people how to treat us but we attract people based on our own perceptions of ourselves. How we carry ourselves, how we talk, what we accept, how we think.
So, it’s not just a matter of “finding a good man.” It’s about dealing with our own issues. Then the rest takes care of itself.
Haha at least that’s what I’m counting on.
There is over-thinking – but unless she has changed her habits, her basic values and what she wants from a mate, and the kind of people she associates with – the odds are that she will continue to meet the same kind of guy.
This bartender (talk about a career with a built-in ‘tell the story they want to hear’ twist) quite likely is similar to others she has attracted.
If she is picking out dates at an establishment that servers alcohol, she is facing very long odds that the guy will be better at ‘good conversation’ than as a help-meet, a co-parent, someone that she can build a family with.
And that is the real issue for your friend. Has she realized that she is starting to want a relationship that defines her life, a life-mate, or is she still thinking that the point is a ‘fun’ date?
If she hit on a guy wandering Wal-Mart with two squalling kids, she is likely looking at someone desperate to keep a woman in his life, at whatever cost. Meet a guy in a bar, and he knows he can pick up another talker/cuddler any night of the week.
So I think your friend isn’t likely over-thinking, she hasn’t finished thinking it through. And this guy she picked was a detour, he happened during her transition, before she was ready to evaluate him against her new life plan. Changes take time, and work. And usually you feel the pain of what you have to let go long before you get to appreciate what the new path has to offer.
Best of luck to your friend.
wow. Lisa you hit the nail on the head.
this whole thing really drove home some issues that I am dealing with personally…
and it’s very true.
yes, sometimes we do attract the ‘wrong’ guys, but does that mean they are all wrong? hellz no. it’s our patterns that turn them into the ‘wrong’ guys. we have to be really careful. we don’t want to all be perceived as harpies that only have a wedding band on our minds, do we? we have to stop doing that to men.
also, just in response to comment Brad made here, I don’t think that it’s fair to paint all people in the service industry with the same brush. It’s a good way to make money for school and to support a family. My mom did it for years, and frankly, at least half of all the bartenders/waiters/waitresses I know (which is quite a lot) are in relationships. Committed ones. the rest don’t play around, they are sick of it. Some of the nicest, most upstanding people I know work in that field.
Just like any other industry, you have people who play the field and people who don’t. and the ones that do are under 25 usually.I have worked in many many different areas and it’s not an exclusive to the bar or club industry, believe. (just ask anyone who has worked in an office, especially if you are an attractive female, half the day you have to put up with innuendo and come on’s from a lot of married’s)
in my experience….
Cheekie, thanks for the correction.
As they say, when we project, we really need to look at ourselves. Just as those who play the victim are often secretly controlling, might she need to look at how she might either be narcissistic or NEED some self-preservation instincts?
Iz x
True nysharon, very true sometimes.
I think that’s true FinallyOverIt, though sometimes easier said than done.
I think she’s on her way BradK. She definitely has a long journey ahead, but one very worth it in the end. I do think she’s aware of that.
Very nicely put Laura. We definitely do attract people based on our perceptions of ourselves.
Thanks Cheekie. I definitely think we sometimes project onto them what we think they are based on a few interactions. We have to be careful.
She has issues Izzy. There’s no denying that, but I don’t see narcissism as one of them. If anything, it’s the flip side of the coin. Low self esteem, self worth, etc.
Izzy,
I agree. Some people who play the victim are incredibly controlling. And it is ALL about them.
Lisaq – In my experience, a lot of people with self-esteem issues are narcissistic. It’s all about what other people are doing TO them. They allow other people to determine their worth and then spend all their time blaming that person instead of taking some responsibility and accountability for their lives.
Not all, but it’s out there.
I hear you Laura. My drama mama definitely falls into that category of people you’re talking about. Oh God, how she fits into it! I just don’t see it in my friend.
Hey Lisaq,
I hope your friend works through it. We all have our issues to deal with and sometimes they weigh heavier than other times.
There have been way too many people in my life who have been miserable specimens and it’s ALWAYS someone else’s fault.