Annie from The Adventures of Genuine Annie has another insightful post getting us to understand why your Mr Unavailable may choose the next woman…
It is regularly mentioned on this site that if we end up with emotionally unavailable men (Mr Unavailables), it’s because we actively choose men that reflect the things that we believe about ourselves.
I have negative and critical self-talk – and I find a Mr Unavailable who talks negatively and critically to me.
I abandon myself by not having healthy boundaries and very little self-esteem – and I find an Mr Unavailablewho abandons me.
I don’t love myself by knowing I have value and refusing to settle for crumbs – I find an Mr Unavailable who doesn’t love me or value me and only gives me crumbs.
Mr Unavailables find women who show them who they are
They are emotionally unavailable – they find women whose specific dysfunctions ultimately mirror theirs.
If they are not givers, chances are they will pick a selfish woman.
If they are manipulators, chances are they will pick a woman who plays head games.
If they are liars and promise breakers, chances are they will pick someone irresponsible and unreliable.
So this is who they will be attracted to, gets rejected by, pines over, grieves over, and believes they are a victim of. This works better for them because in choosing someone who mirrors their own behaviours, as usual they get to let themselves off the hook and believe that the problem lies with her, not him, deluding himself as always.
This is the woman who may get a Mr Unavailable to give her more than you did as a Fallback Girl. She negotiated harder out of the gate, couldn’t care less if he walked and when she sees accurately who he is, she doesn’t love him.
She doesn’t have a fantasy he will change, or hope that things will get better. She sees the writing on the wall, reads it and leaves.
On the flipside, when you are a Fallback Girl you don’t accept what he is, stubbornly cling to the emotional investment you have made in him despite all evidence to the contrary that he is an assclown and NOT a Prince. You keep getting kicked in the teeth until you are willing to stop your own pain by saying goodbye and moving forward/on.
In the past I’ve believed that we are healthier than a Mr Unavailable is but I want to modify that belief a little – I believe we want to stop being Fallback Girls and find solutions and change ourselves and our ways of thinking and acting to become healthier and truly have available relationships – and Mr Unavailable may not want to do any of that or feel they have any need to change.
We simply have differing levels of dysfunctions OR different dysfunctions. And we choose different people as our mirrors for how we feel about ourselves – or how we behave.
I think bottom line is that these men – or women – are our opportunity to see what we have been doing and attracting – and thus behave differently in the future and begin to be healthier in our choices, doing the things that support us, rather than the things that don’t.
So…he will choose his next woman based on who he is.
You may have treated him great and loved him but that isn’t what his priority is, no matter what his words are.
His priority subconsciously is to find someone who mirrors him. And he does. And if she doesn’t, he leaves her.
And if she does mirror what an assclown he is, he hurts over her like we have hurt over them. His pain and his incomprehension is over who he picks, just like ours has been.
So don’t envy her. If she’s healthy and loving and has her head on straight and takes responsibility for her actions and doesn’t put up with crap, she’ll leave him.
If she’s a sick puppy that mirrors him (and yes, there are women who are screwed up too) – it is his karma coming to roost, his mirror. This is his next woman when he hasn’t done the years of hard work and realizations that lead to change.
For you, if you change your direction, you won’t find yourself with Mr Unavailables anymore because they no longer reflect your beliefs because you’ll be a more positive you.
I’m a big fan of The Adventures of Genuine Annie so do stop by and find our more from a woman who has got very wise about loving herself and letting go of relationships with Mr Unavailables.
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Oh Gosh.. Thank You.. It’s like your speaking directly to ME! I SEE and BELIEVE what your saying is true.. but WHY then… do I continually do STUPID STUFF like hang on to hope and communicate with him when EVERYTHING in my brain says that THIS IS NOT GOOD FOR YOU!!!! One moment I’ve had a moment of clarity.. I begin making steps to loving myself.. then BAM! something triggers me and I slide back.. to this whimpy and whiny.. feeling out of control in my brain with regard to “what is he doing? does he miss me?? awww.. why doesn’t he tell me he misses me?” WHAT THE HECK!!!!!
omg I am so proud of me. I just blew off my next Mr Unavailable. I found myself rebounding *(too quickly)from Steve. I took a careul look at this new guy and realized “OMG this is Steve”!
This guy was a wealthy CEO who was making very generous offers and, I just lost my job.,,,but I decided my emotional health was the most important thing,
Now that I gave myself a pat on the back(I deserve it)..it is time to get down on my knees and pray
Dear Lord. Please let Valerie mess with Steve’s mnd, Please let her control him. Please make him commit deeply to someone who is not committed to him back.
Please let her take advantage of his feelings for her. Please let him be exploited and used.
He thinks he is so healthy Lord,,,He thinks he is mentally sound, all he is doing is making others hurt instead, Let him be the one hurt this time, then maybe he will realize he isn’t so healthy..that he is sick..and he needs help just like the rest of us…amen.
Keri
It is called being addicted. When you will come though it and when you look back you will think of the longings and craving and realize it was all addiction.
Cigerattes are bad for you..but people still want them. Same with some drugs, some video games and some men.
I was addicted to Doug. I forced myself not to call him for two weeks and the addiction faded. I realized then that I had been addicted. And I really felt much better. I didn’t miss him at all.
I am addicted to Steve now. I am going cold Turkey soon and it will be ok.
Shootingstar, I have read your “Prayer” 3 times. You are kidding right?
If not, please read it out loud to you and let me know what you hear.
Steve says alot of confusing things about Valerie and why he is with her. It is as if he is compelled somehow and its out of his hands.
I know the feeling because I have felt that way too about some of the guys i was with(who ended up to be mistakes).
I remember I said “I am sorry but..she is a mistake”. I was too mad to ever take him back. though. This was the second time he did this to me.
As I near my “no contact” period my anger is fading. We all make mistakes. He is greiving his divorce and instead of facing the pain of loss, or feeling the anger he is taking it out on the people he dates, or using us as band aids.
His divorce is final in Febuary his wife told me. Maybe then he will have his sweet freedom finally, only to marry again. Valerie has been married three times, and she seems to be able to compel him to do anything.
He even said he didnt want to be exclusive with her and didn’t know how she got him to do it. I hear wedding bells sound and see divorce attorny’s running around
But ,,,that will be his problem..she did womankind a favor…she took a game playing assclown off the market. Nobody needed him.
Thanks Valerie. No really….
Shooting Star.. I had to read that prayer a few times too.. I agree it’s addiction when it comes down to the legistics of it.. but I really think it’s because we don’t love OURSELVES!!! When I get into the energy of really loving MYSELF! (which includes exercising!) the yearnings of wanting to know what he’s doing FADE AWAY!! It’s about self-love.!! We are the fallback girls.. Read what she wrote again.. about being a FallBack Girl…
For me… I just have to get OFF the Roller Coaster Ride… It’s NOT REAL. This is not real… It SEEMS real.. feels real… but because we have been hurt in the past.. or even simpler than that.. NOT TAUGHT/Had good role models at to HOW to have successful relationships.. we hold on to that which is in our imagination of what we WANT it to be.. no matter how much its clear that it’s no good for us!
I know I will get past this.. with this website (Thank You All!).. and everyone here making me feel less alone.. I KNOW I will get past this!!! My prayer is that I can turn my focus to MYSELF… LOVING MYSELF!!!
Shooting Star, your “prayer” is concerning because it seems as though you are wanting to punish the people in your life that have hurt youm and asking a higher power to also punish these people is strange. Not the way to go. Revenge is never where we should place our energy. Focus on yourself and let it go!
Hi everyone,
I was with a really emotionally abusive EUM for close to two years. I see myself so clearly in this post. I got into the relationship with him having just gotten out of a 25 yr old marriage where I was left for another woman.. I wasn’t in a place to heal, so I got into a really bad relationship that was so bad, that I was ultimately forced to confront my negative self images and patterns of unavailability that kept me in the relationship. The breakup was really hard and painful for me too. But now I am 8 months out of that and in a relationship with a man who is a “nice” guy and very emotionally available. He sees me as a loving, caring, intelligent, strong, nurturing and communicative person. This man actually wants me to speak up.
What is so interesting to me about this new relationship, being with a mr. available, is that its been a struggle for me. I really wanted to run from him because the initial patterns were not comfortable to me, and felt actually foreign, very unfamiliar. No drama has its down sides! I was freaking out! Being the drama addict I’ve been all these years.
But I am here to tell you how worth the struggle is. I’m kind of getting used to being in a healthy no drama relationship where I feel secure and cared for. Seriously, you’d think that we’d run to relationships that make us feel easy, and accepted for who we are.
But after decades of being in relationship with men where we have to literally be a different person, constantly trying to please them by denying who we really are,,speaking for myself, I lost touch with who i was. I was just someone trying to please someone else and constantly failing.
I really had to do the no contact, and journal. And I still journal. But I so see myself in this post. I was in that relationship with Mr. EUM because I saw myself as worthless.
By the way, just as this post describes, the woman my EUM worshipped and missed throughout our two year relationship was someone who gave him nothing. He begged and pleaded with her, he used to tell me he gave and gave to her (he never gave me anything, he used me and I let him) and she gave him nothing. Ultimately she wanted money from him and when he didn’t give it, she dumped him.Throughout our entire relationship, he missed her, even cried over her with me. Thats how pathetic I was. I was dedicated to showing him I was so much better for him than she was….. I didn’t get it.But thank god, I get it now.
Take care everyone! Wendy
great , great post!!!!
NML,
OK< so I get the gist-we attract what we believe about ourselves.
So, what do I do now? How do I change what I believe about myself? I’ll work on practicing self-love, but its so much more difficult when put into application when involving another person! Is it that you have to work outside your comfort zone-I.E. make yourself uncomfortable by making unfamiliar choices? How is THAT possible? How do you know you’re making a “right”, yet unfamiliar decision that will be reflected in someone else? I guess I’m confused….
Keri : Because the addicitove part of this, the habit keeps you from focusing on and loving yourself – and instead focused on him and thus prevents you from having to work on your opwn issues.
You keep hoping that the healing will come from him and his love, rather than gaining your own strength and staying away from someone who isn’t good for you.
It’s a learning process. Self-esteem grows slowly as you see what you have done as a fallback woman and what he has done as a EUM, and then change becomes clear inside of you.
You’ll get off the roller-coaster on your own when your heart and brain are in synch. Seeing clearly is everything, refusing to lie to yourself, or to let someone else lie to you.
Shootingstar : glad that you see this new guy is Steve all over again. Stay cold turkey. NO CONTACT really does work !
Valerie probably WILL treat her the way you hope she does in your prayers. I can understand your desire to have him treated like he treated you.
Keep focusing on you , and getting and staying clear . You will not care about either on them then – you’ll just be relieved you’re making decisions and choices that work for you and support you, feeling balanced and at peace inside 🙂
Wendy : Very good awrenesses ! Glad that you are in a relationship with a nice man now. Believe in yourself, and it is so wonderful that you get it now. NML has been an enormous help to everyone with this site !
Sheila : Thank you !
Angela : I’ve been in the space where it sounds liek you are. Keep reading here, and DEFINITELY buy – and read – the entire e-book.
It really helps clear up so much of the confusion. You change what you believe about yourself when you are seeing what you are doing and why it isn’t working. When you begin to have healthy boundaries out of self-esteem, it all starts to shift.
Anything new will be outside of your comfort zone at first – but then it gradually becomes VERY comfortable when you see that you have avoided pain and taken care of yourself and you like it !
Genuinely,
Loving Annie
Angela,
For me, much of the disharmony and hurt starts with disrespect. Deceit, lies, manipulation – these all start with disrespect. You cannot respect yourself and lie to someone; lies harm your self, they make the next lie easier, and let you lie to yourself about what is true, and what is harmful.
Respect is hard to do. All the good character ‘virtues’ are – respect, honesty, discipline, honor, nurture, compassion, diligence, responsibility, loyalty, etc. In a good relationship each of us grows – those growing in each other’s regard, and all those that they interact with. And that happy ‘pie in the sky’ fairy tale does happen, to many people. But not when one is manipulating the other, or deceiving. Or disrespectful.
Our parents are responsible for training us to be reasonable people in society. They correct our mistakes, they guide us from bad choices. But many people fail to distinguish that correcting and guiding others is a responsibility of parents – and disrespect toward peers. When someone manipulates or deceives someone ‘for their own good’ or for convenience, they are abusing parenting skills. And partaking in a relationship that puts them in the ‘mommy’ position, and those around them in the role of ‘ignorant child that still hasn’t learned to behave.’ And there is no respect for you in such a relationship.
What to do? Consider respect, and what it could mean in your life, in the choices you make about everything from what to eat to who to contact – and what to say. Gossip is one version of disrespect – what needs to be said about someone, that isn’t there and isn’t said to them? And if you respect them, and the choices they make, and you aren’t their mommy responsible for raising them – what really needs to be said? Consider respect in terms of the people around you. Do you respect and admire the people around you for their character? Do you choose to spend time with respectful people, and learn by their examples of good choices?
Many people find counseling, or talking to a pastor, to be very helpful in sorting out issues and values. An experienced, respectful guide can be a wonderful example, and can help you learn to help yourself. As you point out , launching toward ‘the light’ can be bewildering until you have ‘found it’ (- if what you found was ‘it’..) Trusted guidance can be a lot of help.
—
shootingstar67 – You are expressing a lot of anger to those around you. Such anger is usually related to fear of facing our own problems. You nor I can ever benefit from anyone ever experiencing pain, or hardship. Certainly, having his next woman cause him hurt or harm is bad for her, and harms her judgment and values and ability to enjoy life. But I am not his or her parent, and so I am not responsible for either of their behavior, nor am I responsible for making them behave. And you aren’t either.
Once you let your anger go, you can focus on why you thought he was a reasonable date in the first place – what made you notice him, accept his opening dialogue, discover what you wanted to gain from being with him. Because there was a reason this disrespectful person found you a willing partner. You could have glanced at him and thought, “Wow, that looks like bad news.” But why didn’t you? And you can consider what warning flags that might have warned you about his bad behavior did you dismiss and ignore.
Anger, and denial, are normal parts of the grieving process when we lose someone important in our lives. But we need to keep the anger and denial under control, or they can take control of our lives. And let to roam freely, the anger and denial can cause harm to others that we wouldn’t have wished to happen.
Nicely done Annie. You make some very good points. I think we have that tendency to envy that other woman and you’re right. There’s really no reason to.
I also think you’re right about Fallback girls being more inclined to want to change and get healthier. EUMs are at a different level of unavailability and many times I don’t think they even see the need to change.
Brad K Thanks for your helpful comments
Steve was obviously bad news. I ended up with him out of desperation. I was desperate to go to this party and he invited me. This was after two months of his pursuing me. The fact I ended up with him out of desperation scares me.
I could become that desperate again
Thing is, just like NML says is often the case… I am emotionally unavailable myself. I have some serious issues. I have a Platonic BF of 15 years, Alan (who loves me) in the background who has my loyalty. I was (am) also seeing another guy besides Alan. And this other guy is another long term thing too, 10 years now we been going on.
Perfect Anne
Thank you very much for your supportive comments I always enjoy your posts
Regarding my wish for karma to strike Steve:
There is a book called “Checkmate”. It is written by Mark Crusher It is a book advising women how how to avoid being played. It was written by a former player and bad boy. Here is the link to Amazon if you want to check it out
http://www.amazon.com/Checkmate-Games-Mark-D-Crutcher/dp/1929642504
What happened to him is the ONE women he actually did love stood him up at the altar and in front of everyone! Then the very same day she married somone else! This forced him to look inside himself
It was then the player stopped playing. He was in incredible pain and realized how he was making the others feel. He wrote that as much pain as he was in at the moment, he realized it was nothing compared to what he had done to all the women who had loved him.
That is when he gave his life to God and stopped his ways. He also looked into himself and addressed his issues.
Sometimes these guys need a shot of what they dish out to realize what they are
doing is wrong.
But I don’t really pray that. I wrote it , deep down I hope it, but I don’t actually pray it I think if I prayed anything, it would be for me to find someone to make me happy. I’d like to fall in love forever.
LisaQ : Thank you, and I think so too about the difference.
Thanks, Brad!!
There is a book available that actually discusses stories from women who have got what they wanted ie their once unavailable man has become available just as she had hoped and in most stories the woman could not handle the changes and moved on which makes the mirror theory very true. When we date engage with etc. we are really dating a reflection of what we think about ourselves and believe we deserve.
I often wonder how fast I’d put on my running shoes should Mr.Eum become what I wanted….
tulipa… i’d honestly have to say that if my eum suddenly became emotionally available.. i would not be in the current situation i am.. i would be still living in the house i loved with him… probably engaged by now.. planning a wedding.. doing fun things because we had so much in common (except he wouldn’t.. no matter how much BEGGING… tell me how he felt about me… and that is why I am where i am… I miss him terribly… but thanks to this website.. i KNO’w that it’s about self love.. and me… he will NEVER be able to express himself without much work… and I need to move on..
but it doesn’t change the dreaming.. wishing and hoping…
sigh.
ShootingStary67, you said “Sometimes these guys need a shot of what they dish out to realize what they are doing is wrong.”
That is scary. That tells me you believe the fairy tale, that if you love them more, if you find the magic trick, or say the right thing, that they will change.
The very few times it does happen, as Tulipa points out, you still lose. You either take charge of them (disrespecting their capability and their role in your relationship) and manipulate or trick or hurt (assault) them to ‘give them a shot’, or won’t be able to believe or trust that the change is real, if you weren’t the cause of the change.
If you caused the change, and they turned around and found character, and respect, and realized the pain they had been causing, they would have learned that they couldn’t make a good relationship with you – since you had established a relationship of disrespect. Or, they might be embarrassed or ashamed of their past, and need time on their own to heal. Without you.
While it is possible that you could turn a few guys around, you would be sending them on to another woman in every case. And you would be developing a capacity to hurt people. You would be manipulating and deceiving people, ‘for their own good’.
How many times, growing up, did that phrase, “for your own good,” endear you to the one using it?
This is why the No Contact Rule is so brilliant. Cutting off all contact, in every form, with no explanation, establishes a shield of time and separation. The NC Rule allows you to begin healing and letting go of anxiety and ties to the EUM. Instead of wasting valuable time when you might be healing, planning and thinking about and writing about ways to get even or to teach a lesson or to get back at the guy – ties you closer to him. Makes that much more work for you to do to let go, and delays you finding peace with yourself.
Blessed be!
I thought I’d pop back to clarify something from the stories I was reading where the guy became emotionally available that not once in any of the stories did the women do anything to cause the guy to change.. it was the guy who decided he would change and prior to that no matter what the woman did he was not going to change. The why is probably because you accepted him and took him on exactly as he was.
I’m sorry, Kerri ,for what you are going through I hope you find someone who is emotionally available to you..
Tulipa.. don’t feel sad for me… It is what it is… I actually am now with someone who is emotionally available….going thru the same thrashing around that most of us do when we actually are with an emotionally available man… the realization that being used to Drama as our M.O… and being present in the moment when it comes up… This website (and the ebook) has helped SO much!!! Thanks!
Hi all, I absolutely love this site I cannot tell you how much it has helped me. I was in a relationship for 5 years and engaged to be married. My ex bf has a daughter who he had not seen or contacted for 18 yrs. He had mentioned to me a couple fo times that he would like to get in touch and as he had treated my daughter like his own I encouraged and supported him to do this even getting the tel number (which wasn’t hard as they had never moved or changed the number). He started seeing her every other Sat (he works away all week as as a heavy goods driver so I wasnt seeing him much) there was never any anger or retribution from either the daughter or the ex wife as to why he had never contacted her, he didn’t even know how old she was or when her birthday was. To cut a long story short I knew something wasn’t right in our relationship after he had started seeing his daughter, he never asked me to go along to these meetings and when ever I asked he’d say ‘I want to get to know her first’. The ex wife has never been in any other relationship since they split and has not had a job as she has always looked after her grandparents so they have never had a lot of money.There were a number of things happened that started my suspicions. I opened his mobile phone bill and looked at the first number he rang in a morning and the last number at night and where it should have been me it was this other mobile number. I rang this number just to find out if it was a woman and it was, I still had no idea that it was his ex wife , the calls were like 6.40am and then after 10pm I rang him and asked who it was and he admitted it was his ex wife and she had asked him to ring her to ‘talk about the daughter’. To cut to the chase I told him never to come back to this house and never contact me again. I got rid of every stich of clothing he owned, as he was at work at the time. I have had a couple of txts from him the first at 10.40pm asking when did I want him to pick his stuff up and when I told him he was 4 days too late as I had got rid of everyhting he asked if I was taking the P… I replied ‘not at all I don’t lie and decieve like you’ another time I accidently rang his number form my touch screen mobile as I was deleating photo file off my phone which he had sent I cut the call immediatly but it had connected and within 2 mins he was asking if I had tried ringing him, I couldn’t lie as my number will have shown up so I said ‘yes in error sorry’ he then said ‘thanks for taking stuff to my mums I have not been down as working away’ the stuff he is taking about is his personal papers birth cert etc everything was in a supermarket carrier bag, thats all he has to show he’s got nothing. I drove passed her house for nearly 3 weeks on the trot and he wasn’t there. I then sent a txt telling him his bank or credit card company kept ringing for him and to tell them he was no longer available on my number, that weekend he was at her house. The first meetings with his daughter was the 10th May so it was approx 10 weeks to my finding out he had been seeing the ex wife and ringing her. He hasn’t been in touch with me and like everyone else on here it is doing my head in the posts on here and the write ups have really helped me I just wondered if eventually he will ring. Oh by the way I opened his credit card bill as well and the week I kicked him out he had signed up for an adult dating site… what does that tell you he has told his sister when she asked why did he go to her house if he only wanted time away he said it was because he had no money and no where to go but he can live in his cab so that didn’t wash his mother seems to think he’s not 100% happy and he has bit off more than he can chew
I’m sorry it’s been a long post I have just read it back and it may seem I’m harsh but in my opinion he was keeping a foot in my camp unitl he had got his feet under her table but I rumbled him too soon. He has previously done this same thing with a friends wife. The friend died and he was doing a 60mile round trip to see her whenever he had a spare minute, a lot of the time behind my back. I kicked him out then and he never contacted me and changed his mobile number , I could only get hold of him through his mother or a frind we had a sick dog at the time which was costing a lot of money for medication and he never once offered to pay, he was acting like the agreived. The no contact did my head in and I ended up balaming myself 100% and begging him to come back this is when we got together and ended up getting engaged. He needs to be looked up to and to be made to feel he’s all that, he works away all week and there is no compromise with this the compromise was that I accepted this as long as he was home fri to sun whcih was working fine until he met his daughter. I had no bother with this the bother I had was that I wasn’t included in this relationship and I found out why
I chanced upon a brilliant film the other night… I think it’s called ‘Butterfly on a wheel’, it had me laughing and whooping…’you go girl!” a fab twist at the end. I wonder if the writer was taking her revenge by transforming her anger into writing and making a brilliant film, a film about someone getting a taste of their own medicine. the other thing I loved about it was the writer took the pain from inside of herself and showed it to her partner on a physical real life plane. Not that I think anyone should do this in real life, but nice to see it in the movies, dealing with our issues.
just to say Lynn….You have enough evidence don’t dig for more, there is dirt enough. No Contact, get your life and track, love yourself and don’t give up on love.
De
with love
Wow! I identify so much with all this…but being the analytical type I feel I want some insight on what I mirrored for my EUM and probable assclown as well. Actually he was never ‘mine’ at all but that didn’t stop this from being an epiphany relationship and one which will forever change the way I approach relationships in the future.
What I want to know is what did I mirror for him?
He persued me for a year but evntually dumped me in the cruellest way because I wouldn’t sleep with him (I wanted a relationship he wanted a sex buddy and was in a relationship ‘friendship based’ where ‘sex is not important to her’. Yup I know.
Anyway long story short he tried many ways to get me to succumb, including telling me I was a coward, passive aggressive, disliked myself, lived my life too safe, scared of sex, made too big a deal of the meaning of sex etc etc, and you know what? For 8 months I bought every word!
I told him I was single out of choice and was healing as I had been in abusive relationships before. I had not dated for 5 years purposely. His answer to that was that sex with him would heal my past wounds (sex that is, not a relationship).
Sad thing is, because I liked him so much I seriously considered giving up the sex because I had become addicted to him and his approval of me. He actually said to me once when I asked him if he wanted me healed or damaged (emotionally) ‘I am always drawn to broken women so I can fix them’ and then went on to say that he considered me his ‘best work yet’ because of my commitment to healing myself! What a cheek! Make of that what you will!
All I can say is if he left me in such a mess I dread to think of the mental state of his other conquests!
I see the ways in which he mirrored my low self esteem. I second guessed my instincts all the time and he would always say things to make me doubt myself.
I was so self critical and he was always ready with a list of things ‘wrong’ with me that I needed to change or improve. Because he was my tutor I looked up to him and trusted him. Problem was I trusted him more than my own judgement.
Anyway he waited until he was sure I had ‘fallen’ for him then just cut me off no explanation. The shock sent me into denial and I did send emails etc and call him, just wanting to know why. No explanation at all.
Anyway I let it go 3 weeks ago and have had NC in that time. Every day gets easier and I have had some really good days in fact.
I know a real relationship was never an option, and that I ‘chose’ him because I was scared of a real relationship and at least knew how to deal with the rejection, low self esteem etc that involvement with a man like this would bring.
But I find myself curious as to what I mirrored for him. And did he cut me off because I was so determind to get emotionally healthy (in addition to more than likely finding someone else who would give him no strings sex).
I do see that I had a lucky escape, but I still find myself baffled by the behaviour of this man who, one minute thought I was this wonderful woman and the next cut me off without a word. What am I dealing with? Assclown? EUM? What?
I can attest to this on several ACs! Yes, I’ve witnessed karma come around, but during those times, I refused to be their Fallback girl when they tried to come running back to me. I was working on myself and trying to understand at the time why I chose these ACs and EUMs. I’m actually still in that process, but at least now, I read the writings on the wall and walk away! I’m so glad I’ve been working on myself.
Recently I pursued an EUM, but after 1.5 months of dating him, I knew in my heart that he’s not the one for me and he’s not ready for anything that I’m ready for. I broke up with him last Thursday after telling him that I want to date other men and I want to be in a healthy relationship. The EUM is seeking therapy upon my advice and I told him that he needs to walk down that path by himself. It’ll be painful and it’ll be hell on earth, but I was even more proud of myself that I recognized early on that this guy is an EUM and I’m not about to stick around and help him sort out his issues.
Prior to him asking me out, he’d asked another woman out who was unattractive, bad attitude, rude, and pretty much an ugly woman inside and out.
I came along, I’m not rude, I’m kind, I have my life somewhat together, I have been working on my issues, in other words, in my opinion, have it much better together than this other woman he’d asked out before me. BTW, we all used to work together and that’s how I know her.
Paul – my ex- EUM told me that he’d “NEVER” dated anyone like me because I didn’t need “fixing”. I am independent, I have my head on somewhat screwed on straight and I’m kind, generous, extrovert, confident, just a complete opposite of what he’s used to dating. Now with this website, I’m starting to understand why he’d dated those types of women, rather than someone like me. He is “comfortable” with those types of women and they’re “low risk” will not make waves and unconfrontational and pretty much just take his shit compared to me where I would and did make him face his own issues. He chose those women because they needed fixing, just like him. He should actually thank me for bringing light into his life. But that’s not what the reason why I pursued him. I thought he was a nice guy who has it together like myself and was ready to be in a healthy relationship.
NML, thank you for this site. I’m the type of person that “needs” to understand why people do what they do including myself and I’m in constant search for answers. I’m going to keep reading.