I’m currently working on the chapter about the Other Woman for my book Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl, and I have put together a list of reasons why the Other Woman may find herself in this dubious understudy role:
You’ll find yourself in this dubious understudy role if:
You have had a painful break-up or divorce that has left you feeling distrusting of relationships or men.
You have been cheated on.
You claim to want to be independent and without commitment.
You’re very comfortable with secrecy, even with people you regard as close friends
You’re inclined to put your life on hold for guys, often letting work and family suffer when you’re in a relationship.
You have low self-esteem.
You find it easy to delude yourself by believing in the possibilities and the potential.
You have thought that you are second best (or worse) with other relationships, or possibly even with your family.
You ignore red flag behaviour and have a habit of only focusing on the ‘good’ things.
You end up choosing men when you’re in a desperate place emotionally.
You hang with a number of women who are also OWs.
You allow sex to blind your judgment and mistake good sex and a physical connection for a reason to stay invested.
You fear being alone but you also fear what comes with a fully fledged, committed, relationship.
You’re the type of person that makes ultimatums or sets deadlines that are never followed through on.
You have an inability to abort the mission.
You struggle with setting and keeping boundaries. They tend to extend to accommodate bad behaviour.
But what actually keeps an OW there and why doesn’t she walk away when she finds out that he’s a married or attached man?
A woman will often find herself on the slippery slope of being the Other Woman because he makes her feel special. He appears unable to resist her because he appears to be willing to risk his other relationship. If a man is trying it with you when he has someone at home, there must be something wrong with the main woman.
But actually, there doesn’t have to be anything wrong with her. Some men will play away no matter how good they have it. They’d tell you otherwise and make you feel like it’s a special occasion that he’s doing this with you, but the reality is that this is just how some men roll.
We’re too busy thinking what must be wrong at his end to concern ourselves with the fact that if he’s screwing around behind someone else’s back, not only is it a poor indicator of his character, but it’s a poor indicator of how he regards you…
Your thoughts? Why do you think women end up in this situation? If you’ve been the Other Woman, can you suggest other reasons?
Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl is available from July 1st…in paperback. Get acquainted with Mr Unavailable with my ebook. Find out more.
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In my experience everything you have said is true. If there is a relationship with a mr Unavailable I have had it. I admit that I have been a OW in the past and if it wasn’t for the fact that I hit rock bottom with him and was forced to walk away even though my heart was saying something else, i’d probably still be there today. I thought that because he chased me and seemed to be in agony over the whole idea of cheating behind his wifes back that he must really love me to risk so much. But he wasn’t really risking anything. He’s cheated before although he told me he hadn’t and no matter what happened he was never going to leave his wife. There was nothing to risk really because if you know that you’re never gonna make the break and that one way or another you’ll resolve things with the wife or girlfriend if she finds out, it’s a very calculated risk. Real men don’t cheat . Sometimes there is overlap because that’s life but a man who truly wants to be with you will keep the overlap to a minimum and clean up his situation.
We fell in love. It started 7 years ago as a sexual affair when we were both married. We met once every two weeks or so in a hotel. In those hours together, we shared our lives, hopes, dreams, problems, laughted and cried together; more than what I shared with my best friends. It was all about sex for me initially and it helped me to survive and feel like I deserved more from my marriage to a man who was unavailable emotionally and was mean spirited. It was on and then off again several times while I was working with my marriage (unfortunately the husband wasn’t doing any work). When I finally ended my marriage I was looking to date others but my MM weaved back into my life. He had professed his love to me way before that and I had resisted. I have still dated others but he has remained in his marriage since he has two little girls he can’t stand to leave. I know I deserve more. He admits he is a coward. He knows I won’t wait forever.
NML, i ve been reading your articles about being the other woman.. and i must say THANK YOU. Reading it made me realize imnot alone. And that i wasnt going insane, i made a mistake, a honest mistake , which i will probably regret for the rest of my life, but that doesnt mean im a horrible person.
I had 2 traumatic experiences: 1 my dad cheated on my mum after 30 yrs of marriage, and i had to be my mothers shoulder, and 2 as a result i had a painful break up of a relationship of 4 years… and like magic Mr. Unavailable came to my life..and i accepted it, now i understand that i accepted it cause i just didnt want to commit, cause i had lost my north, i was just all over the place… The situation lasted only 3 months, i couldnt do it anymore, it wasnt enough for me..but it was hard to break up, and stay clear from him, cause i had to see him and his gf every day and every social occasion…
Now, as you said in your articles, im puttin all the energy in me, like you i have dated othe clowns after him (none of them were attached, but all where just commitmentphobes) and after the last one i just put a balnace in my life and i saw that i was seeking all this emotional unavailable men cause i didnt want to commit. I was jeopardizing my own sanity.
And im enjoying getting to know myelf and coming to terms to what happend with my father and how i ended my 4yr relationship…and although everything seems pitch black, i hope one day i ll find love again…
And again, THANK YOU for your writing
This is difficult– but I have found myself in three OW relationships– one where the man was a refugee and his wife in another country waiting for two years to reunite– since he was Muslim another wife didn’t mean the same thing to him as it did to me– devastating 5 years of my life– the second relationship was very brief as I didn’t realize he was in a relationship– and the third was one where his wife had an affair and wanted one for her husband. I didn’t want anything to do with this kind of relationship, but after establishing a good relationship with the two of them, an open relationship began.
At the point I am at now I wish I was– too dramatic to say dead– but– I feel played of course… yet still have feelings for the Other and since we work together it is ever so difficult to ease away. I am a target of his attention–
If there is only one piece of advice I have to offer it is to RUN if a married fellow has an opening line for you.
My humble best to all women who are just trying to make sense of their lives– it is a biological difficulty to establish healthy boundaries in my estimation. One that is so worthwhile– yet can be the most humbling of challenges if Your man is so inclined to be physically centred and egocentric. I am prepared to change careers– to relocate– to lose established friendships– anything but remain in this emotional space.
Much love and solidarity to all women who are striving to just make sense of their lives– Jennifer
wow. Reading this is such a reality check. I can barely even admit that I am an OW. It is something I would have sworn I would NEVER be. My Mr Unavailable is not married, but is definitely attached. It is so easy to believe him when he says he’s not having sex with her, too. As smoothe and sweet as he talks, it’s easy to believe maybe he’ll leave her…..this was a good reminder to be strong and do what I deserve. Walk away…if I mean so much, he knows where to find me!
I too was the OW but as today i am no longer. He came over to my home and told me that he could no longer continue this affair. That at night he felt guilty and he had a hard time slepping. He also was very insensitivy to my feelings and tried to make it seem as if it was my fault because i allowed him to continue the relationship. I have fallen in love with this man and now I regreat even meeting him. I cried and all he could say was to please forgive him for the pain he has caused me. After reading the articles I have realized that maybe it was my own insecurity that caused me to become the OW but i have vowed never to allow myself to be put in this situation again.
I have been the OW for the past 5 years, with 2 different MM. I want out so badly but I can never seem to cut it off, I truly feel pathetic, tired of lying to my friends and family, tired of living a lie. Tonight he is out with his wife on a Sweetest Day date and tells me he must to “keep the peace”. How pathetic am I? When I get out of this…I will never get involved with a MM again. It is the worst thing a woman can do to herself…the worst.
Hi ladies, I have been reading this site for a while – my husband left me in October to be with his mistress of around a year – she is an exgirfriend from 25 years ago – they dated for 5 years and she finished the relationship. She is 42, unmarried, recently made redundant from a high flying job of 12 years.
He has left me after 14 years of marriage, we have 2 children. There isn’t a day that passes when I don’t uncover another lie he has told me – has borrowed excessivly to pay for his high living lifestyle – which is now putting my 2 children’s home and schooling at risk. They don’t deserve to be without their Dad at home or leaving their school because of their Dad’s recklessness.
I supose I am posting this comment to demonstrate that there are innocent victims in every extra marital affair – I am a victim of lies and deceit but so is my husband’s other woamn – she only has what he has told her – and I know he has lied – their whole relationship is built on lies and deceit. it is not a relationship i’d want for my daughter or myself going forward.
There is nothing romantic or beautiful about the devastation his affair has caused – I am slowly healing my broken heart and protecting my children from the hideous fallout as best I can.
Please put yourself first and your dignity and your self respect and self esteem – it’ll hurt like mad but you will get over him and hopefully find a path to someone you deserve and will be unbelievably happy with forever.
I found myself playing the OW for 9 months. I had come out of a painful, empty, 24 year marriage to an EUM and a few months of freedom had me suddenly feeling alive and frisky wanting to “connect” with someone. Almost to the day that my feelings started to awaken I was in a restaurant w/a girlfriend and noticed one of the waiters (tall,.dark and hot) eyeing me from across the room. There was instant “chemistry, attraction” and I found myself later in my car w/him kissing until my lips were purple and for some reason, maybe it was his nervousness or whatever, I asked if he was married and he told me he was. To this day, I cannot understand where my morals/values went when I decided to ignore that detail. I thought he would be a great “one night stand” or “fling” as my own distorted thinking gave myself permission to be naughty after remaining faithful in a dead marriage for 10 years. Problem is, the sex and physicial attraction was so irresistably strong and he had the “wounded” sensitivity (a joke now that I reflect honestly) that was the perfect combo for me to kid myself into believing this affair would be PERFECT for me. No strings, attachments, just some good sex from a guy, that by the very nature of his married status, put me in what I thought was the drivers seat. Somewhere a few months in, my feelings morphed into infatuation, even love and he and his hot pursuit of me, the whispered phone calls, the almost poetic messages, the red hot sex was nothing less than a lethal drug that had taken hold of my judgement and rational thinking. Yes, the red flags along the way, the nagging guilt, the growing insecurity and fissures on my flagling self esteem were there but oh so quickly shoved away in the broom closet with the door closed so I wouldn’t have to look! WE both never moved from our position that this relationship was temporary we did alot of push pull, sometimes he would ask “what if I wanted to have a life w/you?” and I told him that wouldn’t be the direction to move in, not quickly anyway…that I didn’t want to be the reason he left his wife. I was pulling alot of EUW stuff myself but I still felt a deepening love for him and in the last several months of the affair we said the I love yous and I believed him. It all blew up five weeks ago when his wife caught us at my home with his car in the driveway…he had become almost openly defiant in his behavior w/me…that night he told me “whatever happens, know I love you”…and then the man turned into blowing total cold. We’ve seen each other twice and he was a different person, treating me cold, distant and punishing…almost like he blamed me for getting caught…but not saying it or admiting it. He said he got kicked out of the house that night and is staying at a friends house sleeping on a mattress on the floor. The two times he came to see me he asked to park in the garage AND LIKE AN IDIOT NOT KEEPING MY FEET GROUNDED IN REALITY I failed to hold him to explaining why he would need to hide if he wasn’t back with his wife. I can’t believe a word he says, I was one of those females who stupidly told herself he lies to her, NOT ME! Ha, the ridiculousness of my own mentality has me so humbled! It has been almost 12 days NC as I have blocked his calls and set his emails to “discard” but he still managed to call from another phone to wish me Happy Mother’s Day. Honestly, and I know this is such wishful thinking and an impossibility to expect from a LIAR b ut I keep languishing on my disappointment in how cruelly he has handled the end of the affair…why not just apologize for the pain it has caused us all, wish me well and MOVE ON? No, it’s all smoke, mirrors, games and I FEEL SO AWFULLY USED. I don’t recall ever being so h urt in my life. The good news is that I’ve discovered this early enough to GET OUT without years of self betrayal as the fallback girl but it doesn’t mean that I am not dying to lash o ut at him for his using me, his lies and his seeing into my vulnerable soul and pushing all the right buttons to get what he wanted. Talk about a horrible blow to my self esteem. My advice to any woman in a relationship with a married man is RUN DON’T WALK….if you’re thinking about it…don’t do it…it is a dead end street with a world of hurt. I can’t even begin to describe the guilt over not seeing his wife as a living, breathing human being and being an accomplice to her pain. Now, I am trying to forgive myself, see what led me to this and MOVE ON. Somebody, please tell me it will get better…despite what an assclown, loser, liar and user I know he is, I still want him sexually so badly, I am missing all the “good” we shared and so devastated this was yanked away from me in an instant. I .