I was going to post something completely different today in the 13th post in the 31 Days of Drama Reduction Series but I couldn’t help but notice a recurrent theme with a number of readers I’ve been speaking with – Everything is about him. The relationship was about him and the breakup is about him. And of course, the drama is about him.
Whilst the drama stems from your fears, much of the drama centres around having his attention focused on you and getting him to do what you want. Which got me thinking back to when I was The Other Woman.
I tried to identify when things shifted and he lost his power and I lost my interest and it was when I made myself the focal point of my life. Prior to this, everything, the good, the bad, and the very ugly all led down to two things:
Making him mine
The nagging very real fear that it would always be like this and he’d never change.
As I pulled my head out of the fog and my arse and put my focus on me, my thoughts shifted…
What the hell was I trying to change and why did I want this guy? He was not what I wanted and as I felt better connected with myself, he didn’t actually fit in with MY life anymore.
Interestingly, when I stopped focusing all of my energy on him, there was no need for drama. I also realised that all of that drama seeking I had done before had achieved nothing. To continue doing it would have been like throwing lots of sh*t at a wall in the hope that just that ONE time, it would stick and he’d be amazing.
In essence, not only did I start loving me and being true to myself but I stopped creating drama and trying to force him into the relationship I wanted.
Of course he still persisted; all the assclowns do and he’d tell me I was amazing and how much he loved me and blah blah blah, but he didn’t and when he said all of this crap and didn’t match it with actions, HE was as usual focused on himself. It was never about me and his behaviour was his own drama seeking!
You could spend a lot of time wondering whether he’ll call, whether it was all your fault, or what he’s doing with someone else but eventually, you need to get back to you.
It’s like we’re afraid of being good to ourselves and we need to start seeing the good in ourselves so that we truly know our worth.
In the end you realise that the drama seeking isn’t worth it. It’s time to be your best you.
Your thoughts?
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So .. it all boils down to moving from “How could he … ?” to “Why did I *want* …?”
That is, to want to be happy, instead of to want to discover a relationship, then make that relationship a happy one, which would make me happy. Hmm.
I think, Brad, it boils down to shifting from “I want someone else’s approval” (not even love, which is unconditional) and expecting someone to fill that void inside you to “I love myself unconditionally – light, dark and everything in between, and I don’t NEED someone else’s approval. I’m going to bring a whole person – me – to a relationship, which I now expect to be a sharing of two whole lives, not something that will complete me.”
You’re making it sound like a shift to narcissism. I think you’ve missed the point and that’s not what she means at all – I’m reading it as ‘love yourself and take responsibility for your part of it – not his as well’.
Loved it, NML, and it was exactly what I needed right now – let me know if I’m representing you correctly!
Ixx
Yes, NML, another great post…and look at you all miss technological with your phone post. lol. I have yet to master it…
I think what it boils down to is that at a certain extent, the drama and the uncertainty become the only driving force in the relationship. It has spun itself out of control, and so have you, and so has he. You have to sit down and really look at yourself and your motivators in the process. Half the time, as I know from personal experience, you find out as NML did that deep down, he isn’t what you wanted at all. And this vicious circle of doubt and drama is the last thing you intended. The only way we end up in that situation to begin with is out of fear and insecurity.
So this is about having the self esteem (doesn’t have to be a ‘ball’s out’ cockiness) and love for yourself to say ‘wow, this isn’t what I want, and he can’t give me what I want, so wtf am I doing? I am only hurting myself’…
and then extricating yourself from the situation.
yes, it’s hard. no, it doesn’t happen overnight.
and just like quitting smoking, you may fall ‘off the wagon’ but you get right back on and it will happen.
Brad – if a person comes into a relationship expecting someone to love something they don’t even love themselves and to fill a void, everything is derived from this one person. That’s not a relationship. It’s a recipe for pain. There is nothing wrong with wanting to make a person happy but you need to be in a relationship! The other person needs to be committed to the same cause too.
Izzy – amen! There is nothing about narcissism in the post and I’m glad you got the exact message of my post! Ilike that you understand about bringing a whole person to the relationship – essential!
Cheekie – absolutely. I was so busy trying to be everything he wanted that it hadn’t ocurred to me about whether I wanted him. It *does* become a vicious cycle and you literally have to drag yourself away. Yes falling off the wagon is a part of the process – when it happens you realise how much better it was on the wagon 😉
AMEN SISTER!!!!!!!
Its all about HIM. Well thank you for finally saying it how it is.
You know what girls. He ain’t that great. Your better.
Its time to get back on the band wagon .. dust oursleves off
And stop spending so much freaken time on unavaliable men!!!!!
HAF