I always say that you are the only recurring character in your sitcom called life which means that when you find yourself in same scene different guy; instead of berating yourself for ‘stumbling’ across yet another guy that treats you badly and doesn’t appreciate you for what you are, you should be taking a very close look at yourself. It is easy to get sucked into a Blame Men mentality. Lord knows they do enough irritating and shitty things to keep this blog ticking over forever more, but real change, real progress, real relationships, real happiness and real love can only come about through changes to your own behaviour and attitudes.

This is hard to hear for a lot of women but it’s a fact. We have absolutely no control over men’s behaviour or anyone’s for that matter, because if we did, we’d have a very different life. The only person who we have any true accountability and responsibility for, plus the ability to change, is ourselves. We cannot expect the white knight to ride in on his horse and rescue us from shit relationship choices so that we can automatically feel right within ourselves and live happily ever after. Even when the white knight comes blazing in on his big horse, a lot of us don’t even know good men or good love when we see it as we are programmed to think that it comes in a package of drama and insecurity.

If you find yourself repeatedly frustrated at your relationship choices, it’s no accident – you made them. These men don’t just find you accidentally – there is something in your behaviour and attitude that accommodates them.

It’s not just about when we are in the relationship, it’s about when you are single, it’s in the approach and it’s about the tone you set.

For us to make real change that will lead to personal happiness on our own and also within a relationship, we must have healthier relationships with ourselves and healthier attitudes towards men and relationships. It’s not easy because a lot of this is so drummed into us, it’s second nature, but you have to want it badly enough and pursue it with gusto.

Yes there are a lot of messages that we pick up and learn from our family, from the media and from society in general that only serve to add to the growing snowball of insecurity, but there comes a point when you have to get real with yourself and acknowledge the unhappiness that subscribing to this bullshit causes.

Men do not complete you. You complete yourself. As long as you’re waiting for someone to come along and make it all better, you can only end up 1) disappointed even when you do meet him and 2) frustrated with your existence until you do meet him.

Let go of the notion that it’s better to be in a relationship than none at all. Stop accepting poor relationships because the alternative seems scarier. If you’re wondering why the happiness is evading you it’s because you’re not even placing yourself in a situation to receive it.

Stop placing the responsibility on the man to change and make things different in the relationship. Acknowledge when things are wrong, acknowledge when you can’t do anything further to fix it and acknowledge your part in things. Always ask yourself ‘Is there anything I could be doing differently here? What is my part in this?

What is your contribution into the relationship? It’s very easy for us to big up ourselves and act the martyr, but think about the things that you say and do which let him know in no uncertain terms that he doesn’t actually have to be different because he knows that you’re insecure enough to stay with him regardless.

Stay away from men that already have a woman. Married men, attached men only get to play around because there is always someone foolish enough to accommodate their behaviour. They know they can get away with a lot once they start a relationship with the Other Woman because she is still there.

Be happy to be on your own. Feeling like the world will come to an end when you’re single and not enjoying your life until you’re part of a twosome is a guarantee for heartache, disillusionment and insecurity. You can’t make good relationship choices out of happiness and desperation.

Stop listening to lies and excuses and start listening to your gut. Stop listening to the insecurity and start listening to your common sense.

Don’t punish the decent guys because you made bad choices in the past. It is one of the biggest difficulties for the genuinely nice guy in that he spends a lot of his time in the relationship ‘fixing’ you after your experiences. He has to work double time because you don’t trust men because you’re used to going with Bad Boys and Mr Unavailables. Know a good thing when you have it and trust in it rather than project your insecurities on him.

Use your judgement. Just like using your gut, it’s about time we started to exercise judgement and learn from experiences. This doesn’t mean you stop trusting anyone; it means you open your eyes, read the signs and access the situation. When you are in a good relationship, judge his actions based on him, not on every other chump you went out with.

Be good to yourself. I can’t stress this enough. If you can’t treat yourself well and love yourself, why would you expect a guy to?

Are you ready to stop silencing and hiding yourself in an attempt to ‘please’ or protect yourself from others? My book, The Joy of Saying No: A Simple Plan to Stop People Pleasing, Reclaim Boundaries, and Say Yes to the Life You Want (Harper Horizon), is out now.

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