I knew it was going to be one of those crazy busy weeks – I have a Baggage Reclaim stall at the Blogtacular conference tomorrow and am currently waiting for my youngest to finish her first ballet exam (she had a meltdown ten minutes beforehand – give me strength!) – and so I made another video, and this time, it’s on the subject of when somebody tells you that, “No one will love you better [than me]”, and the equally as bad, “I’m the one who loves you the most”. Talk about having a big ego! I mean – how exactly do they know what the potential is for you to be loved and how exactly did they come to the conclusion that they love you the most? And that’s where you get a really big clue about how that person is perceiving you and how they basically have an overinflated sense of their own importance. Check out the video below. You can also listen to the audio version.
The key message that I really want people to take away from this video is, don’t allow anybody to devalue you and to keep inflating their crumb contribution into a loaf while trying to make out as if you couldn’t do any better. That’s not love; it’s control. It’s also very bloody patronising. Once you stop caring that much, they stop having that much control and you’ll stop being weighed down by the mind effery of being involved with them.
Take care of you.
Your thoughts?
Add to favorites
OH MY GOODNESS!!!! I have been following this blog for several months now and it has been a mental savings. If for no other reason than to hear and see the things being said and done by these jerks that were the EXACT things my “ex” (I hesitate to even call it a relationship now) was doing to me. I beleived it all . . . I still sometimes reminisce and think how it must have been something I was doing ME because he kept saying HE loved me MORE than I loved him even though he couldn’t get out of the “terrible” relationship he was in to fully commit! (And no worries, I am looooong past believing any of his nonsense now, there are just brief moments where the “missing him” emotions float back in. I recognize the emotion without judging, and then I let it keep on moving right on out of my mind 🙂 But THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU for letting me read these things and know that it was not a unique situation I was in. And the lies are “text book” and LIES 🙂
OMG!!!
Get out of my head!!
Thank you for this support system…
And Becci….same S*@$% different person!!
Be encouraged….at least you dont have to see them in the school yard or work
SIGHHHH
Natalie,
I love your column and the videos even more. This one hits the nail on the head, and thank you for helping me through dealing with a man I call the Big Nothing. If I did not have the emails in front of me, I would think I was insane from his ass clownary.
Here’s a piece of real emails from Steve the Big Nothing that I went through this week, after he showed up after disappearing for 2 years and said he lost the most amazing this ever and wanted me in his life. And I said IF you want me, you will have to go into therapy and show me.
If this wasn’t so sad and hurtful, it would be funny:
LISA:
Steve,
It makes me happy that you are taking a look at the site.
I care very much for you, I am not interested in throwing jabs at you. The last month has been very hard for me lots of confusion and crying. It is scary for me to do this and write this request to you but worth the possibility. I want this to be a game changer. I know you’re going through a lot as well.
I am hoping you seriously consider making an appointment with Neil and start moving towards choosing happiness and love over fear.
Let me know what you decide to do.
STEVE:
wow, sounds exactly like me. Ill check it out further, want to read some of his stuff Tx
LISA:
I’m really happy you read that, and glad you connect to it. He really gets this, he’s the expert and easy to talk to.
I had a session with Neil ( via phone) and told him a bit about our situation. He said we were not hopeless. In fact he said if you make a real honest decision with yourself that you want to work on this with him and I do as well, things could be in a positive place and not like take years.
And if you do make that choice, I know you will succeed at this, you are a really smart and good man.
Let me know what you decide- to make an appointment and make a real effort to work on this or we both go our own ways for good this time.
STEVE:
Does it have to be one or the other? I think this process will be a while. What i always wonder is if we had become friends first instead of lovers. I know im a good friend. I need help with relationships.
LISA:
I appreciate you saying you need help with relationships and I do as well.
I’m not quite sure if you’re what you’re saying to me and I want to be I understand you. Are you saying you want to only be my friend and not talk to Neil?
STEVE:
No. I will read what neil has penned bf i call and where i am is a good friend but suck for more. I dont want to hurt but we have so much in common. All i ask is we step back have dinner talk and hang out but not sleep together until we are ready for what that emotion brings.
Steve then proceeds to sign up for Match.com and I write and email and bust him…
STEVE:
First let me point out i am not in a relationship that would preclude me
from match. What friend would possibly know me? I did get an auto
renewal and had it cancelled so i am surprised i have an active profile.
Thank you for bringing it to my attention. When i get a chance i will
take it down. I appreciate your input and will review the info provided.
I did not realize the helpful information provided was tied to moving
forward with a relationship. I thought it given solely on the basis of
conversations we had about my relationship issues. Im sorry i did not
clearly understand. I wish you the best but I am in no position to even
start considering a relationship.
LISA:
Steve,
You are a heartless and cruel man who is not connected to the truth, you
words or your actions or how they effect people. You are no longer invited
into my life. Please do not call, text, email or contact me in anyway,
just go your own, way and leave me alone to heal from all your lies and
games.
Tank you Natalie, for being able to get me to this point and bale to shut the door on this ass clown. It was a long week.
Oh and PS…his Match profile is still up…if you are in NYC avoid him!!!
Lisa well done for cutting and running this man is not worth it one bit
– your post left a number of serious questions for YOU to answer to yourself.
1) If you aren’t his parent, then why are you arranging and persuading/cajoling him into doing things to help himself and your apparent relationship? He clearly is in no fit state to have a relationship = red flag – anything else is setting him up to fail.
2) why didn’t you listen to what he actually told you all along? He states clearly twice at least, directly, that he can’t have a relationship with you. Why was it Match.com before you took him seriously? What was it that stopped you hearing him?
3) where else have you felt that if only you could get them to sort out their problems everything would be just hunky dory? Has this been a pattern? Has this situation happened before for you with family or friends for example? If it has then it is YOU who may need therapy and it is only YOU you should be concerned about.
If a man walked out on me for 2 years and suddenly turned back up again out of the blue – I would say – ‘I am sure you are amazing but I am not interested.’ and in answer to any pleading or rebuttals – ‘I’m still not interested’ And that would be the end of the conversation. He would have to jump a hell of alot of hurdles over a long time, before I’d even speak to him, let alone help him and only through making him do that would you even begin to know you could trust him in the same room again let alone relationship.
Non contact is the first step, which you seem to have initiated which is a great start – then answering your own questions and focusing on your own responsibilities/needs is what will help you through this once and for all and out the other end to something much more positive for you.
@Lisa, I am. How would I avoid “Steve”? Oh you know what, never mind, I can pick these guys out by now. LOL. Wow, what a bunch of gaslighting nonsense. Guess he could get you back as a “friend,” and you’d quickly slip into something else, and he could simultaneously play the field. Nice try, Steve!
Lisa, You’re far more polite than I am once the last goodbye is said.
Her: Goodbye.
Me: Goodbye.
then…
>>crickets<<
Karen lol to the crickets, and yes Lisa more polite in that after 2 years of Big Nothing then deciding to turn up I would have replied in likewise manner….Big Nothing in return.
Lisa, yes more polite as Karen mentioned in that after 2 years of Big Nothing then deciding to turn up I would have replied in likewise manner….Big Nothing in return. Glad Nat’s words have inspired the now defunct door to the ex.
Yep perfect Karen.
@Lisa; I think I agree with Oona. There is a lot of drama in your emails also – the only really authentic email seems to be the last one where you cut him off. One cannot ‘arrange’ love based on such ultimatums. [in fact, the undertone of your emails is a sort of drama whereas the actual text of your emails reads like a business email almost. Perhaps this is what makes it not authentic – you were setting it up as a transaction or exchange].
You know things are getting serious up in BR when Miss Nat has to make, not one, but TWO videos on how to love and respect yourself! 🙂 And she ain’t playin’ either: she’s even got herself up against a bare wall so that we won’t be distracted from her message! So listen up people!! 😉
Yes I may have not ended or saw things as fast and as clearly as others may have, but the fact is, I did get there. I did end it and I am in therapy for it. It’s easier to see it when you are on the outside but when you are in it and they are telling you how much they love you, how big a mistake they made by letting you go and how they chanced etc. My boundary was not come back in, I said lets get therapy. I did the best I could and I shut that door in the end.
I feel you HAVE done REALLY well
a) to find BR/therapy in the first place and learn from it and…
b) to dump his sorry a** internally fully AND externally
and that considering what you knew before
– this IS doing really well –
and you rightfully should be proud of yourself.
You are going in the right direction clearly, please KEEP going and don’t stop now – things are just starting to get good for you – this isn’t the pinnacle yet by any means – it gets even better. All the best…
Lisa, you’ve done extremely well! You’ve snapped back really fast. I think Nat mentioned this in her earlier posts: when we recover, when we love ourselves and value ourselves, it does not mean that troubles stop and we get rewarded with a good relationship. No! But the number of d!cks who try to pull their crap with is drops down significantly (as we no longer stroke their tiny egos) but most importantly – we snap back 100 times faster. You’re seeing the light.
Someone has put this quote here already but…”If you’re going through hell, keep going.” – Winston Churchill. Just keep going, you are doing very well. Don’t let him slow you down.
Natalie,
In a PAST relationship I encountered a slightly different version of this. While getting cozy on the couch, my boyfriend says; “You know, no one has ever loved you before.”
I’m 53, and this was not my first Relationship Circus and he was not my first Ass Clown ( to steal a term from you). Before I had a chance to censor myself, I said: “Are you trying to say I’m not loveable.” He replies with a comment about how he can just tell that I haven’t been loved by any man in my life until him. To which I said, “How could you possibly ever know how other people have felt about me.” That statement stopped the BS for the day. And I actually felt good about what I said. However, before that, I listened to him say things like; “I could have any woman I wanted,” and ” I treat you so good.” At those times, I said nothing. It’s always been a balancing act for me deciding rather to either speak up… or to ignore the verbal attempts men make to try to chip away at my self-esteem in order to gain more control for themselves. Natalie, after listening to your video, I’m even more empowered to not let myself be devalued again. Thank you.
This
Jules: Narcissist. Read “Narcissist Lovers.”
All that he said to you was typical and predictable narc-speak.
Glad he’s in the past!
Yep this deciding whether we stick up for ourselves or not – I thought this was normal and was my idea of compromise/ a regular pattern – until I saw that compromise meant BOTH people do something that is acceptable to their needs – not repeatedly one way, with me stuffing my needs under the carpet or even just this one time I’ll stuff my needs and forget about it until the next time so that I don’t fully see I am always compromising – myself and my needs.
Knowing that you are making a choice is half the battle = being aware, using it = liberating.
Oona, this is exactly my story of how he defined compromise. And I did not mind, I thought hey maybe he’s right. So I tried it. Nope, doesn’t work this way. It’s not a compromise, it’s tyranny. And I know that hopefully the majority of women have more self-esteem that I had at that point, but if you ever wondered if they becoming loving and supportive once you do it ALL the way they want it to be done (everything happening on their schedule, being ok with last minute plans, being ok with being the only person to initiate conversations about your relationship or trying to solve issues etc) – I did that. And he RESENTED me for this. In the end, I did exactly what he told he wanted me to do, and after a month or so, he told me “You should not have put up with this. I treated you badly but you are a grown up woman, you should have not allowed this and take responsibility for yourself”. So he justified his actions as being provoked by my being not responsible for myself.
And while I indeed was not valuing myself and my time, I did not cause him to do all that shit. I thought I was trying to be accommodating and understanding. But nope, never drop your standard for anyone. And no one worthy of you would ever want you to become smaller. On the contrary, they’ll want you to expand, to become the biggest version of yourself.
“Oona, this is exactly my story of how he defined compromise. And I did not mind, I thought hey maybe he’s right. So I tried it. Nope, doesn’t work this way. It’s not a compromise, it’s tyranny.” i still have to work very hard to stop myself from falling into this pattern of thinking.
Yep this happened to me regularly – twisted – twisted around back to me – every time I asserted myself I was apparently the ‘guilty’ party (another tactic to maintain power and control and stop your attempts to defend yourself, ‘nipping them in the bud’ – one man actually said this to me in public. while I was asserting myself) – this tactic also leads to distraction and confusion and takes you completely away from your real focus.
– the thing I hold onto about this is – intent.
Did I intend to cause him harm and make him feel bad by my behaviour at any point? Was I aware this was hurting him/could hurt him and damage him personally? and if aware, did I continue doing it?
What was his intent by criticizing or twisting the debate every time? What was the result?
The thing is – as we are all human – we are ALL guilty parties who make mistakes at some point or other – so they have easy pickings – if they choose to.
I make loads of mistakes all the time but the one mistake we can’t make for ourselves, is allowing ourselves to be vulnerable with people who are unable to connect with us constructively ie always putting us down – even when it is them who triggered the original problem and their responsibility that they don’t want to take on.
We have learned we have a choice to take responsibility for ourselves and walk away from this and refocus on ourselves and our needs without them.
If some people choose to use others weak points in order to hide or disguise theirs from view for a few seconds? Good luck to them.
Our real problem? – allowing people (and internally ourselves) to be judgmental and overly criticizing, not seeing how truly wonderful we are and believing it – even though we are.
Jules, I agree with Judy. This is classic narc talk. Another quote about it from my notes:
Psychopaths will manufacture situations to make you jealous and question their fidelity. In a normal relationship, people go out of their way to prove that they are trustworthy—but the psychopath does exactly the opposite. They are constantly suggesting that they might be pursuing other options, or spending time with other people, so that you can never settle down into a feeling of peace. And they will always deny this, calling you crazy for bringing it up.
I didn’t know this – but makes sense – thank you.
My EX told me yet another version, he said “I’m the only one who has ever given a shit about you”.
Nice thing to say, huh?
Lately I have these “it could’ve been me” moments…but on the opposite spectrum than before. When I see hear/anything regarding any of my exes (even the one that brought me here who I was SURE was my soul mate) I get physically ill like I’m going to lose my lunch.
Truth be told I pursued vile men. Why? I thought that’s what I deserved. I have worked exceedingly hard to better myself…these men? Exactly. The. Same.
I am so grateful it’s not me. I am so grateful I am not with them. Any of them.
I am crying now because I am grateful. I am so grateful I found BR and went through the struggle to change.
The past three years I have stayed single and worked tirelessly on myself and I’ll do it another thirty if need be…or forty…or fifty…or seventy…
I’ve been spending a lot of time at this site this weekend.
My AC does the opposite. He says how pathetic, ugly, dumb he is and nobody would ever want him…because he is looking for me to constantly pump him up and he is a bottomless pit.
BUT…
We have been together 10 years now and married for 6 of them. A day after our wedding anniversary he tells me that he now wants children. I can’t have any. He laid out this plan for the next few years and it didn’t seem to include me!
I asked if he wanted to adopt and he said no and I asked if he wanted to do surrogate and he said this
No offense but you are too old!
It went downhill from there to where he implied I was old and gross. 🙁
I told him he can sleep on the sofa because he certainly couldn’t tolerate sleeping with someone old and gross.
Then about a week later we talk more and he tells me he never loved me and never wanted to marry me and said I was too much like his evil dad.
He just went through a huge list and blamed everything and his life on me!
I was devastated at his cruelty!
I said so what does that make you?
He didn’t say anything.
I said it makes you a liar.
I said you’re supposed to be a grown man not a toddler so why haven’t you left?
I said so you have been deliberately mean to me and pushing me away so I would leave first. He said he did.
I told him what a rotten cruel thing to do to someone. I said you took away my choice! I certainly wouldn’t have spent 10 years with someone who didn’t love me!
We talked more and he said he wanted to be friends after the divorce.
Yeah right AC like tht is going to happen.
I am so very hurt and so very done. I ould never forgive him after he said those things to me.
I have to stay here for 6 months until the lease is up.
How should I behave around him?
Any dos or don’ts?
THIS IS INTOLLERABLE CRUELTY Chalene!
First sit down somewhere quiet and safe for a few hours – find somewhere truly lovely and new to you (important) – that you’ve always wanted to go to, away from your home – and fully absorb what is fully going on, try very hard to listen to what your best scenario would be to get you safely out of this damaging mess for yourself – and I mean YOUR best scenario – listen to any nagging worries and put in place contingency plans/protection from them. Forget HIS needs or what you feel you can’t do right now – we will address that later – forget him doing a u-turn on his cruel behaviour – this is disgusting emotional abuse and not to be allowed or tolerated under any circumstance from an enemy let alone someone pretending to love you – the question you need to ask each time is:-
what do YOU need to be happy and safe and thriving in this situation?
I personally use writing it out in a journal I keep safely away from everyone – and I mean safe – not accidently put where someone could get hold of it/ it could be given to him/ he or others could find it – and if the only safe place is the bin ten blocks away, afterwards, through the rain, then that is where it goes – be careful of joint laptops, do not leave it in your joint home or with someone who could spill/betray you.
Your way to surviving this is to focus ENTIRELY on YOUR needs and ACT on them.
First you have to know what those needs are and after ten years you may have to be a bit patient with yourself while you remind yourself exactly what they are – you will be used to selling yourself short – to yourself let alone anyone else – and putting up with things that frankly no one can or would put up with in their right frame of mind.
Right now you are vulnerable – you have been seriously emotionally wounded and it is survival mode for yourself and time to take your every need/worry totally seriously – especially the need for loving behaviour – warm baths/showers are good esp if you can lock the door, hot water bottles at night if chilly or something soft to hug at night. Nice bed sheets and as much physical distance from him you can get – beware he may attempt to sabotage this to get an ego stroke – he will not be expecting that you can handle being without him – he has gauged that he doesn’t need you – this is all you need to know, to know how much he really values you as a person – do not be sucked in to any U TURNS he decides to do – they WILL be false and designed to give him another ego stroke put you back into HIS power and control emotionally if not physically/sexually.
Every time he puts you down – and I mean every – remove yourself from the immediate physical location – even if it is to the bathroom – and you go out and do something doubly to help you get closer to YOUR identified happy, safe and thriving goals – away from this person – to people who are loving and you trust 100%. If there is no-one find new people to help and keep looking till you find them. Every time! – without fail! Whether you live with him or not.
And when you are feeling low or have had a success, you come on here and you get it out of your system and ask for whatever help you need until you GET WHAT YOU NEED and YOU GET YOUR GOALs + IF THAT INCLUDES FEELING VALUED AND LOVED BY YOUR PARTNER AND/OR CHILDREN FOR YOURSELF or SIMPLY BEING ABLE TO TRUST YOURSELF AND OTHERS AROUND YOU FOR REAL – THEN SO BE IT – IF THAT IS WHAT IS GENUINELY IMPORTANT TO YOU.
FORGET GETTING HIM BACK OR ANY REVENGE OF ANY KIND.
For other living arrangement choices:-
These are other possible choices if you feel that living with him one minute longer is not your true need.
If you rent the place with him – go to landlords yourself explain you are in an impossible situation (do not give them any more details it is private) and ask what they can do to help you move out/ can they find a replacement tennant?/ can you advertise for a replacement tennant/tennants?
If you share a one bedroom – kick him out + change locks/sort security out – it is worth the extra money and it is what he has done to you emotionally! (arrange this without him knowing, when he is out one day and have all his things on the front ready so there is no need for any further contact with him), go complete non contact – contact police if he harasses you more than once.
Or tell him you want him to take the rent on his own and move out yourself (after informing landlords/having their agreement and finding somewhere to live for yourself) – its what HE said he wants anyway – if he wants to have a family with someone else he won’t really want you around while he is dating and can you really stand by and watch him courting others (possibly younger) in front of you? Not my idea of a healthy situation.
If you co-own with him – get legal independant advice/support immediately – again worth the extra money – put the home up for sale if you can and do you have a friend, relative or work colleague you can ask to stay with for six months? Ask them all and make sure you impress on them how urgent/dreadful to your well-being it is – this IS emotional abuse do not underestimate its effect on you – even if it is just for weekend breaks from living with him. If you can’t pay them for staying, while you pay for your ex home – perhaps there are other things you can do that they need, to pay your way equally – cooking, babysitting, making something, fixing something etc…? Be determined to find a better way and don’t stop until you find it – keep trying.
Last thing – there is always a choice – even when it looks impossible – you may not be able to control others or the situation you find yoruself in but YOU ALWAYS HAVE A CHOICE IN HOW TO REACT AND PROVIDE YOURSELF WITH WHAT YOU NEED TO SURVIVE PROPERLY – so if you find yourself getting hammered by his behaviour – it is time to make a different choice from the one you previously agreed to and this is a perfectly valid and essential manner in which to conduct yourself and your life.
If all else fails – ask questions and keep asking/looking for better – YOU DESERVE WAY BETTER THAN THIS TREATMENT – IT IS SPECTACULARLY CRUEL – NO ONE DESERVES THIS.
Lastly I would like to say how very sorry I am that you are in this situation – it is truly terrible and not something I would wish my worst enemy in. You may not want to hear this right now but you can not only survive out of this but you can give yourself and your life better meaning and love than you have ever known or believed was possible, achieve the things I suspect that you truly want – and it starts with you and is fully within YOUR control and power.
Let us know how you are getting on – for better or for worse, for real. Remember the sun will come out again after the rain. Put yourself first – we’ll be thinking of you. Good luck.
Try here also
http://tinybuddha.com/blog/21-tips-to-release-self-neglect-and-love-yourself-in-action/
Thank you Oona. It was cruel beyond belief. He really showed his true colors.
I haven’t much spoken to him since and don’t intend to. it is over.
He hasn’t apologized either.
I don’t have enough money to move out so I am quickly trying to find a job.
I did tell my doctor about all this when I went for my checkup so it felt good to talk to a professional about this. She thought might depression might be caused by him.
He seems to be self-loathing and it seems I have mostly been constantly stroking his ego trying to fill up this empty dark hole. It can never be filled up.
He is so very ungrateful for everything. he complains constantly and is always the victim and how terrible his life is which he blames on his father but refuses to do anything to help himself.
He made sure my needs weren’t met. No holidays, no birthday, nothing at all to make me feel special. I stopped going on holidays with him because all he would do is sulk and complain the entire time.
He worked when we first were dating and married and 2 years into out marriage he was laid off and so in the past 4 years he has worked about 8 weeks but of course that is my fault too.
My doctor asked me if this is the kind of life I wanted to be living 10 years from now and I said definitely not. I really don’t want to waste another 5 minutes on him.
Well done Chalene – working out where you are IS the hardest part, you may not know this now and fear completing the next bit but you will know later when looking back on it – taking the abuse and not knowing you don’t deserve it or that it will never, ever get any better IS damned hard – it took me over twenty years to realise no better was ever coming and no knight was coming to miraculously rescue me.
What you describe really is emotional abuse – and it is not mild – do not underestimate its effect or damage on you and how it affects your actions and life, just because it may not be physical violence – you already mention depression – there is also stress and anxiety to watch out for, which are the gatekeepers to auto immune diseases.
I personally found emotional abuse far worse than serious physical violence to heal from and so I am VERY concerned that you are staying in the same home with this person who shows no sign of care or respect for you what so ever – especially while you are ill – so getting out the quicker the better would be my personal advice to you – you would be amazed how quickly you can rebuild your life and a new home – furniture and all – without having a stone hanging around your neck, compared to doing it, with one – but ill health isn’t so easy to recover from, once you have it.
I left twice, with just the clothes I was wearing, I was lucky in that I had no debts at that point or serious physical health issues but that was about it. I wouldn’t say I did it the best way for me – the first time I went straight back into a different abusive situation, instead of finding a non abusive home for me to live in, the second was more of a slow burn kind of abusive situation – it was only after my hospital visit with near fatal consequences that I finally woke up and smelt exactly what was happening – and kicked him out – went complete non contact – stood up to the smear campaign in my entire community, that he had been running while I was recovering in order to cover himself/stop himself from really feeling the guilt – so I can’t really advise you on what is or isn’t the best way – I just know that allowing my full instinct and letting it have its say regularly and working towards that, no matter how hard or frightening or impossible as it seems, has been the most useful to me – not necessarily the most practical or easiest of solutions but the ones that I really really needed.
I wish you luck no matter which path you choose – you deserve it truly – no one deserves to be made to feel how your husband is making you feel – no one. Remeber take it one step at a time and congratulate yourself for achieving each step along the way.
Welcome to BR.
Hi. Regarding divorce, consider paying for a one-time session, alone, with a divorce lawyer, for advice. You may be able to get an inexpensive no-fault divorce. Also, you are not necessarily responsible for your spouse’s debts – depending on where you live, whether the debts are in jointly held accounts..lots of variables….good legal advice can help you there. To ALL – NEVER COSIGN! I don’t care how in love you are, or how sure you are that this good thing will last forever – NEVER COSIGN. And never share credit card accounts. You have yours and he has his.
I would start packing up my things – even if I ended up staying and he leaves – you can then unpack and put things in new places – it’ll seem like a new place.
Kills me how some men kick you in the gut, and then in the next moment, ask to remain “friends”. He wasn’t friend enough to treat you with care, was he? Where is this sudden wish to be “friends” coming from? It’s meant to be cruel. If you reject the offer, they get to play the wronged party. If you say OK, they know they just shit all over you and you took it. It’s a catch-22, and they know it. Maybe we should say something like “I will never love you any less than I do right now.”
Chalene
How are you supposed to act around him? You aren’t. If the lease is in your name, he’s outta there. If its in both your names, perhaps one can buy the other out. Otherwise no contact;this man is utter scum. Get a legal separation and/or put a notice in the paper saying youre no longer responsible for his debts, maybe you need to do both. A lawyer could tell you the laws in your state. Do this ASAP so you’re not financially taken to the cleaners. He’s already done this emotionally. The rest of the BR tribe has given good advice. I am so sorry you are being subjected to this.
Really got a lesson in how folks could really trash your self worth if you let them yesterday. Had been corresponding on line with a dude for about a month. Seemed really to be in a similar place in life; working jobs that no longer identify or nuture us so that we can eventually live our real lives, who we really are. Both of us are about a month behind in our yardwork etc due to May snowstorms/hail/rain. He wants a tour of my place and home and I warn him:”there’s not much to see as nothing’s really up yet”. Bust my butt cleaning the yard, weeding, straightening the house because I want to make a good impression. At the same time, my gut is getting uneasy, something seems off. He shows up, kinda good looking but not impressed by me or my farm. Find out at 60, he has a housemate, is working a series of menial jobs. Thinks he’s going to buy a place and retire but I can tell that ain’t realistically happening. Relieved to have it over with. Later that evening, get a ride with friends, let them into the house, and they are floored with what I’ve done, inside and out. Sometimes, it really is about them, not us.
Yep I’ve done the ‘bust my but’ dance a whole number of times and am now using it as an alert! – jerk!!!! – warning system – especially if I am looking at a God (red flag or at least amber flag for me to back off and really look at what I am doing before doing anything else with them).
I found myself desperately trying to buy all the right clothes – again – and that my hair suddenly didn’t pass muster – again – I wasn’t quite good enough at my work or a good enough person at anything – again – the other week due to finding an ‘amazing’ new group of people I always wanted to be associated with ie loved by them… this coincided with another family event I was excluded from.
I’d have thought I’d have learned this after the amount of years I’ve been using this strategy and what I have lost and learned…. It doesn’t matter what I am dressed in – they’ll still see me as meat – if that is the only thing they are trained to see or sniff out – and as soon as I don’t ‘dress’ it their way they’ll dump me – but like you at least I saw it before moving them all in to my home (read head) – fully – and changing the entire hair and wardrobe situation – again.
– well done for getting the friends around!!!! That was/is genius! and is so so much better. Great one…
Chalene, First of all, I’m really sorry this is happening. I can imagine it’s very hard to get your bearings right now.
If it were me, first I would get the best divorce attorney I could find and ask them how I should proceed with the living arrangements. I don’t know where you live, but often there are advantages in being the first one to file, the one to stay in the home, etc.
It will give you a firm list of things to do which will allow you to focus on that – which is moving forward.
He will likely start flip flopping once he sees you are serious. Don’t buy it, stay firm. He’s already shown you who he is and that WILL NOT CHANGE. When he starts crying, begging, bullying, whatever, reread your post here and any of the responses.
I dated a guy many years ago that sounds like this. He wrote me an 11 page letter (typed in very small font) after I broke up with him that alternated between telling me what a horrible person I was and using all the things I had told him about my mother against me and telling me how much he loved me and wanted me back! I went NC. He’s popped back up a few times since then – once wanted to have coffee and “catch up”. No f*^*!ng way!
Getting away from him is best, of course. If the attorney says it doesn’t matter who leaves first, I’d get the hell out or kick him out if you like the place!! Then go NC as much as possible. The guy is toxic. He’s projecting his crap onto you and trying to control you.
Don’t give him an inch.
Don’t listen to his lies.
Do listen to your gut.
Do get emotional and physical distance from him.
Do cover yourself financially – check the bank statements, credit cards, etc. In the states one is responsible for their spouses credit card debt while married. SO I would ask the attorney about that too if that’s an issue.
Do get as much emotional support as you can with friends and family. If you have to stay in the home with him, can someone stay with you?
Stay strong!!
This has more to do with setting the standard, but I’m late to the party, so I’m posting it here.
My new boss has told me to “contact me as much as you want.” “You can always send and email, send as many as you need to.”
But, right after that he said he gets a lot of emails and “it’s easy just to delete the unimportant stuff.”
Mixed message?!
Message I received…waste your breath – I’m gonna delete it anyway. I’m going to pretend to be supportive, but really just gonna dismiss it.
So he was gone for two days and left me running the show. A couple of things came up that required immediate attention. One that I wasn’t sure how to proceed. And another one was something that he told me to contact him if it happened.
So I emailed him and he didn’t respond. The one where he told me to contact him before proceeding, I called him. He did not answer. So since it was the V.P. of the company asking me to do this thing and I couldn’t get a hold of him, I went forward with it and covered myself with the V.P. and with documentation.
I know it is not personal, this is who he is. What’s puzzling me is why would he tell me to contact him as much as I want and then not bother to respond?
I’m feeling annoyed by this behavior.
I already limit the emails I send to the absolute essentials. I now will add not to expect a response – period. Also, to formulate the email in a way that if possible it doesn’t require a response.
Managing down my expectations.
And Why, if you’re reading this, you were correct. People are now coming to me to get things done! Having to be mindful of my over giving/doing.
Why would he bother to tell me to contact him as much as I need to only to ignore the emails?
Veracity,
He’s just saying what SOUNDS good even though he doesn’t mean it. He’s a crappy boss. Imagine him saying “I only care about myself, not how I treat employees. Your emails are insignificant and annoying.” It’s a much nicer image to PRETEND. Why? Because HE CAN.
Veracity, yes, I am reading this. It all sounds so painfully familiar. Yes, this is my an exEUM in his communication. I mean I get to meet people who do this but he has finessed the art of “tell me to contact him as much as I want and then not bother to respond” and upgraded this to a form of asshole art.
I don’t think you allow to manage your expectations down. I think you’re actually being firm in reality. The reality where you make decisions about the present and the future based in how he has acted in the past. Especially, as we see now, that he has been consistent in being inconsistent or an outright careless idiot.
One other thing I add with people like these is that at the end of the email I specify a deadline. “Your reply needed until 4 p.m. tomorrow” or even put it in the subject line.
If you can cc someone on that email – even better. It makes these people NUTS when they come back to you days after and ask about “that thing” and you shrug and say “oh you know, I waited until the deadline that was specified in the email but then we needed to proceed”. They go nuts because they are so unused to see their sloppy (at best!) behavior having consequences on THEM. Welcome to real adult life, – I want to say. But nope, being just polite and acting surprised at why would they be angry at ME for having missed a deadline themselves. Because when you think about it, it really is puzzling.
Veracity
This sounds soooo familiar. Gives out the phone number, the email, says I am willing to help, call me at any time. Projects that need collaboration, you wind up doing yourself. Some folks truly say things just to make them look good.
Thanks, everyone! I can’t shake the feeling that he’s a fraud. The company gets audited every year – a standard in the industry – so he’s probably not stealing. But a fraud in the sense that he doesn’t exactly know what he’s doing. He hired a company to fix things after the audit. He made a point of stating he was a c.p.a in the staff meeting, but his degree is not in accounting. I’m not sure why it keeps popping back in my mind. Must be something to it. I have VERY good intuition (learning to fully trust it).
I have ZERO plans of acting on this mind you! This is the only place I will share these thoughts. I just can’t shake the feeling that he’s not what he claims to be. Gonna keep watching my back and doing things in writing. Great place to practice!
Okay, now I feeling confused. Like I’m losing my mind/paranoid. So this email/lack of response thing happened on Thursday. I just got a response from him…marked for 4 days ago. I’ve gotten lots of emails in between from other folks. He has a Masters in computers….would someone go to the trouble of back tracking a creating a response?
Either he didn’t respond and is covering his tracks or he did and I didn’t get it for 4 days and I was wrong to think he isn’t being responsive.
I don’t know what to believe. Clearly I don’t trust him.
Veracity – confusion? paranoia? feeling like you are losing your normally rational/intelligent mind? not knowing what to believe? instinct telling…no screaming – not to trust this person!!! – the constant why? why? why? would anyone one do this going on in your head?…………………………. er what does this tell you Veracity?????
When has this happened before????????????!
Yes you are dealing with the same – yes again – and yes this time you have the ability to deal with it better.
Well done for spotting it/acknowledging it!!
Well done for writing on here – support number one!!
Well done for being so quick!!
Really really good job.
Next, keep it up – you need support at work also – follow your instincts, all the signs are telling you not to trust this person – so do not trust them – no matter how smiley to your face they are being – they effectively just dumped you in it for FOUR days – whether for genuine or sloppy reasons – you – a new person – was left unsupported by them for four days!!
Do as why says – copy in other other people – make everything public – carefully – get support indirectly. I have done this before and it works really well – they expect you to keep their little secret because they know it’s difficult if you only just got your foot in the door to have support – to know who to trust – but you can always go above his head now for ‘advice on how to proceed’ now you have been given the VP’s contact details (I presume?).
You tested him to see if he was of his word – does 4 days to get back to you – live up to your expectations of the kind of help you need to do a good job???
Be very careful about spelling their problems out to them or solving their problems. Don’t do it – no matter how much you are baited.
Simply identify what YOU need to survive and thrive – and go and get it – focus on YOU solely – not them and their problems and if that includes the emergency emails and telephone numbers of all their bosses – get them – it IS you verses them – whether you choose to stay in this job or leave – you still need support in this immediate situation and it is unfair to leave yourself without this need being fulfilled.
You owe this to yourself Veracity, you deserve it and you will get it.
Oona, Thank you!!! I will add that to the things I am doing to protect myself. The V.P. sits in the office next to mine, and the President is just down the hall.
I’m being careful not to point things out. I had to ask him about something today and unfortunately he didn’t know how to do it. I give him credit, after trying a few minutes, he admitted it. I told him I’d try again to figure it out.
It’s wierd, now that I’m on my own (no one training) when he is in the office, he does support me. I feel kinda bad for him. I wonder if he is in over his head.
Gonna keep doing my job and only my job and document, document, document!
Thank you for your support! I don’t feel like I’m doing this alone.
I just made the connection of the appearance of helping, but not really – actually doing more harm than helping. Must be something I need to focus on healing. I recently cut out a long time “friend” who I discovered always appeared to be helping but was really hurting me with his self-serving ways. I had him on a pedestal and couldn’t see him for who he was until much later.
You will never be happy with anyone you’re with if you keep denying yourself of who you really are and what you truly want.
This is gonna be extremely embarrassing and humiliating but I have to write this. BR has been one single life line for me and NML and the commenters here helped me gain my power back and helped me to get courage to go into therapy. What I am trying to say, I guess, is that I am scared to lose this support but this is also a story that needs to be told for those who think that these men can change or are considering giving them a second chance.
So we work with with an exEUM. But we don’t really see each other often as most of the time he’s out of the country. After a while, he came back and started this talk of “trying again”. I say, “what about your girlfriend?”. He tells me that he’ll be away for a while but the next time he comes back, he’ll be single, and we’ll talk and we’ll try to be together (just two people) for the first time. So he falls off the face of the Earth right after. Fast forward to now, he does come back. We have normal conversations, we joke, it’s easy. We go out for a dinner. I come home. Then we meet again with other people present. Then he invites me to his place “for work”. I of course understand that there might be some intimacy involved. I come and we have a good time, we talk, we walk and he touches me and then he talks about what we both need to change in our communication etc etc. It all sounds very sane to me. I absolutely agree. We set boundaries. We agree to take it veeeeery slow. And you know what, I, for some reason, ask him “Are you dating anyone?”. And he answers “No”. And I then (you reeeealy have to clarify with this sh!theads) ask “Are you single?”. And he says “No, I am not single”. He is STILL WITH HIS GF! He just changed the name for their relationship. They are not “dating”, they are “breaking up” and have been for over 6 months now.
So I cry, he holds me, I scream etc. I fall onto the floor as my legs start shaking and I cry and cry and cry for a long time. And he says “I am sorry”. And I try to get into his head, I ask “Why did you talk to me about “our relationship” then? Forget about leading me on with this. But don’t you understand that you are cheating on your gf?” And he says yes. And as always, he says whatever feels right in the moment and we have sex and the next day he says “I don’t know if this will ever work”. And I say to him “I can tell you for sure this won’t work and you know why? Because you promised me and then you broke your promise and then you tried to conceal this promise. This will never work because you can do these things. This will never work because you’re not single”.
I can’t say I am proud of myself. I am ashamed. And I don’t need a lecture. I just hope that this will be a lesson for someone who thinks they change, or wants to believe their words or whatever. He told me “I never stopped loving you” and on the same day “You don’t understand. We have had so many conflicts, and now this, you talking like this, it is again making me think this will never work”.
And as “He’s Scared, She’s scared” book suggests, when you take them back, it’s the same cycle but now it goes faster. For us it was 48 hours or so. And we ended on the classic note described by another BR reader (I copied a comment into my workbook of important quotes):
Seriously, I can remember saying to my ridiculous former assclown, “You hurt me so much when you did blah, blah.” The response I got wasn’t, “Well, I did it because you, specifically, suck and your magical sucky powers turned me from Prince to cockroach.
Why,
That was a suck it and see. You don’t have to feel humiliated. He’s the lying idiot. But now you KNOW. and you’ve shared it. and you *GET* it. Good for you that you asked the question. And had the mind to follow up with the next one. Omitting the truth is lying. I called my friend out last month for doing it. Another reader here once posted:
“A lie which is half a truth is ever the blackest of lies.”
~ Alfred Lord Tennyson
*the response I got WAS.
Sorry for all the typos in my posts today. Rushed typing.
Honestly Why,
I may have fallen for it too. Many have. Many will. Even though you got the answer you didn’t want, your emotions and your heart won out, hoping to be the exception. That had to be painful, especially how he then blames your response to his no win situation as the reason things won’t work. But you saw through it. He only wants things on his dishonest terms. Please stay away now. Remember, pain is not love. Hugs to you.
Why,
There is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. Many of us did it or could have done the same thing in your place. It is good that you shared it with us to relieve some of the pain and pressure and warn others.
The best part of that awful experience is that you are definitely 100%+ more than sure now what kind of person he is. Scum. Scum. Such a waste of space.
I have been silent for some time but reading all the stories. It makes me cry sometimes what these men do. So so cruel and heartless. How can they be such people and go on like nothing has happened.
Hugs and all the virtual support to you, Why. I wish you didn’t have to work with him even if you don’t see him much. My heart aches for you, reading your story and imagining how you must be feeling…
I hope therapy in addition to BR will help you.
I don’t think the book “He is Scared, She is Scared” means really much anymore. I read the book in the beginning of my recovery. It helped to temporarily relieve the pain. The reality is that we just keep looking for answers why these people do such things. Because that’s who they are. It is hard to comprehend but there are cruel people out there with varying degree of cruelness. No book will explain why. We have to keep setting our standards and have our own back. That’s the only way to live our lives.
Why,
Don’t feel bad. I did pretty much the exact same thing a few weeks ago.
I knew this guy I’d been casually seeing very sporadically, had a girlfriend. I knew it because he told me a couple of years ago. But he never mentioned her everytime he would pop up, and so even worse than you, I just never asked and ASSUMED it must have been over with them everytime I heard from him again.
A couple of weeks ago he poppled up after a few months and I decided to get some standards. I confronted him about his stints of silence and he came clean about the girlfriend.
We had an open conveversation (Or at least I was open with him) and I resolved to 100% go no contact.
Your post helped me becuase I do sometimes think about taking him back if he was single.
But your post opened up many questions in me.
1) Is he just the same guy/different face I tend to roll with who want no commitment?
2) If he can cheat on her, would he not cheat on me?
3) What does it say about me that I was able to know he was with soemone and ignore it (albiet only for a little while)and pretend?
Yew we have to take responsibility for ourselves, but it is not always that simple or easy when emotions are involved.
So pick yourself and keep going. We are all on this site journeying together and there will continue to be challenges. Thats life!
Best
B x
Girls, thank you ALL so much for commenting and being so unbelievably supportive. This place and your words mean the world to me. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU.
Sorry – Why – I am reading this a bit later than the others –
Give yourself a really big – job well done!!!! – even if you don’t feel it/know it right now – what you have done – in reality – is got yourself to a situation where you can now go on and grow for real.
– ask yourself
– what it is I IDEALLY want/ need to happen RIGHT NOW to get myself out of this situation to something that makes me feel really wholesomely joyfully good? RIGHT NOW.
and
– what steps can help me get there?
– then take the next step…just the one first not all of them at once….
Remember no one is perfect and that’s ok – it does not mean you deserve to be treated badly by anyone – you do not have to be perfect to be treated well and loved. They made a choice to treat you badly – Do not copy them.
A gentleman would never in a million years have got himself in that situation with you – no matter what spell you put on him or what fancy pants manipulation persuasion seduction skills you employed – he simply would have politely declined and walked away.
A person who stays is NOT with anyone in reality and probably never ever will be – their behaviour says clearly – I want to have my cake AND eat it – which if you look at that saying properly is actually a completely impossible situation.
Ask yourself – what would you do or want for a friend that was going through the same thing?
Now give these things for yourself – if its a cuddle – read warmth/caring of some sort,
if its food – read good energy of some sort,
if film – read distraction etc…
As I’ve said before toddlers fall over all the time when learning to walk – and it IS essential – it IS part of learning HOW and HOW NOT TO walk. And we ALL did it to learn to walk – we all fell over. It is how we learned finally where OUR boundaries/needs really are.
Best wishes…
Oona, amazing advice that I do heed 🙂 I remember you posted the plan of “what can I do for myself in this very moment so I feel better?” and it was a revolutionary idea for me, ha. Since then I try to remember about this every time I get into these impossible situation. It really does work. There’s always a teeny tiny something that can make us feel better. Thank you for taking time to comment on my story. I really appreciate it.
I’m really sorry, Why. I understand that fear of putting it out there and risking losing support when you feel you’ve slipped up. Hey, we’ve all slipped up. You’re human, we’re all human.
Thank you for risking it and trusting us to treat you with compassion. I hope that you are treating you with compassion. In my book this isn’t something to be ashamed about. You’re learning and growing, it was a lesson. Good job spotting it quickly!
Thank you for your kind words and support, Veracity.
Yep self compassion Why – all the way.
@Why; wow! he was being extremely slippery in his responses and good for you to recognize that and push him to come clean.
His response is such poor taste, totally AC; he treats you like crap, while also cheating on his girlfriend and now YOU’RE to blame for it not ‘working out’! There was no there there anyway, and yet you’re to blame. He’s good (in the AC sense), real good, the manipulation is so practiced with these people. I have to say I experienced this type of manipulation somewhat from a parent, and I think therefore these kind of men kick in something so deep and elemental in how we think of ourselves, that we are responding in spite of ourselves.
I wrote this a couple weeks ago that my closest friends are at least of 10 years standing. I depend on them, trust, care and respect them — I love them, I wish them the best etc etc and so do they. With none of them have I ever ever fallen to the floor sobbing etc., but we have with men, often men we know for a month or two, or a year or two, etc. What is this? What is it about these type of people that turn perfectly reasonable functional women into total hot messes? What? I can only imagine that something about their behavior triggers the ‘its not him, its me’ in you. That you take it personally.
You have to see – whatever happened with this guy was partly about you because you responded, but mostly it was him. He didn’t really want you. He wanted to check you were there, get a shag, create some drama, prove to himself as he sadly shakes his head, oh we could never work out. She doesnt understand me. I’m such a deep guy. He didn’t want a fun no-strings shag which presumably he wouldn’t have got from you anyway because your feelings are involved – he wanted drama manipulation shag. Ugh. What a jerk.
You still need to ask what made you do it. Or more importantly, recognize what feelings were invoked in you that you went along; identifying those feelings is important. What did he hook? what will you do if that is hooked again with him or someone else? Because that feeling makes you behave in a way that is against your best interests.
Dont beat yourself up. Accept yourself without judgment, it is hard, but it is worth doing. Move on from your mistakes. Laugh at yourself. Sometimes one makes silly choices and its okay, 48 hours, its nothing. We are not human if we dont make mistakes.
You say you are ashamed. Think of 10 other emotions you can be and why (e.g. you can be happy because you will never fall for him again. You can be angry because he’s an AC or angry at yourself because whatever. You can be kind to yourself because we are all human. You can be curious about why you did it. You can be cautious about … Think of alternatives to what you are feeling, I dont know but I think this might help, will create different perspectives and help you feel less stuck).
Suki, thank you for your thoughtful response. I absolutely agree – there’s something in me (it’s my mother, really) that got really hooked by the high of being so low. It’s not the high HIGH that got me all worked up, it’s when it started being so crappy (at the beginning, I did not even know he had a gf) that I started to “perform” for him so as to prove that I was “better” and “worthy”. It’s the same crap I did with my parent. The huge difference that as I child my LIFE depended on my mother liking me. But right now my LIFE depends on me liking ME, and not on this dude. I am working through all of this. There’s a rubber band on my hand at all times. It takes time. I am trying to be patient with myself. It also helped me immensely when yesterday I thought of myself 10 years from today and this experience seems so insignificant – in a sense that it DID NOT bring any added value to my life at all. More like something I’d like to scrape off. In a big picture, it’s so small, he’s so small.
I’ve come to realize that before him I’ve been incredibly insane blessed in my relationships. It may be hard to believe but I never had a man talk to me about what kind of mother I’d be and “our children” unless he at least intended to live with me or even get married. I had never had any doubt that both parties understand that talking on these serious subjects is not just blah blah. So when he started all this EXTREMELY serious talk at the beginning I of course thought “Ok, I shouldn’t show him I doubt him by asking too many questions. I will show him I trust him”. Nope. My boundaries. My questions.
Even when I think back to those conversations and how I confronted him about it – it still makes NO FRIGGING sense to me.
– Why would you tell me about what kind of mother I’d be? Did you not understand that you can’t talk about such topics unless you’re damn serious?
– I did understand. I was serious.
– And then what happened?
– And then we started fighting.
No kidding. We started fighting (’cause ya know, that one small detail – he was still in a relationship)and the next day he was NO LONGER serious. It’s the constant flip flopping.
Ugh. No more.
@Why; oohhh rubber band. No. Why are you punishing yourself? Ouch! Let it go, forgive yourself, allow yourself to make mistakes. This is really not a big deal. Why the perfection?
I was telling someone how the ex-EUM manages to still suck me into his drama though I avoid him as much as I humanly can. And I treat him as well as I can while maintaining boundaries, I keep him out of my life while having to see him frequently. He does hook me so I make sure that if I see him at a social event, its clear that I am there for others, for my colleagues, I dont go near him etc. (of course I can’t help him coming to me and then I have to step away and make it not worth his while to engage with me. Which is hard you know, we all like attention, even attention from fools and somewhere the two of us were friends. Everyone thinks we are still good friends. And that frankly is to my credit since I have every right to bad mouth him).
And basically i was like beating myself up for it, like thinking that I have to stop him having any influence on me and wanting to further purify my response to him. And my friend pointed out that I’m in danger of becoming totally uncaring. There is a limit to how ‘cool’ you can be. This is way cooler than I should be aiming for anyway. Its okay to have feelings – whats important is to not act on them. I can’t control that sometimes I just feel bad when I see him – but I can control my behavior and I avoid him religiously no matter how insecure I might feel or how hooked. Dont kill your feelings. Just manage your behavior.
Suki, this is golden. I am heading up for a few days of heavy socialising and your advice is right on time. I’ll follow your lead on this. Very, very good points.
Thanks you all, esp Oona and Why. Wow, some good advice and lots of support from all, I’m very touched.
Lisa its a privilege to help – and great to know we also can receive help – you ARE as good and deserving a person – as everyone. Like you, I feel lucky Natalie and others make this site the amazing site it is. Best wishes…
Yeah, I remember the ex-AC saying this to me even though he was 2 hours late for a dinner date! Even when he said it, I didn’t feel special! In my head I was thinking “did he just say that to me”? I realized that it was just away to control me while messing with my self-esteem at the same time. A two for one deal! LOL
Ugh, I am having such a hard time letting go of an idiot who said and did similar things to me. It was always, “I like you so much, the timing just isn’t right.” And, “No one could love you more than me,” but then nothing else. I knew he was seeing someone else too, but I thought that when he said these things, he meant it and that he wanted to be with me. He was just confused at best, or stringing me along (at worst).
It is so hard to get over the man that I thought he was though! Instead he is a man with a big ego and an extremely high image of himself. He pushed for my love at the expense of my feelings and well-being, and now I am left reeling while he moves on with this other girl.
Who would do this to someone? I think he is a weak and pathetic man and that people with big egos love to come across well with this kind of BS, like Natalie explains, when they are doing terribly hurtful things to other people. I am working on letting go and have been NC for two weeks. I am hoping to prove to myself that this is NOT the best love that I can get. There are better men out there who are emotionally available and want to jump with both feet into a relationship. And that won’t treat you like garbage when things break down so that they can feel like a real king.
I wish I could write this man an angry letter telling him what a bag of shit he is, but it wouldn’t make a difference. The hard part is that he’s convinced himself so much of his great self-worth that I doubt he feels any pain over losing me. This guy thinks I’m a big loser now, but I am determined to have a great life, whether he can see it or not.
No more narcissists!! They are the worst!!!
Constance, I don’t know him, of course, but it sounds like he is EXTREMELY insecure and SELF-LOATHING and has to compensate for it by screwing over other people. If he is ‘moving on’ with another woman, you can be sure he acts the same way with her. He will keep bumbling through life, hurting other people and never finding love. He is in his own private hell.
Baggage Reclaim has been my saving grace for some time now in reference to men and relationships, but this quote in particular, ‘No one loves you better than I do,’ I have heard repeatedly over the years from my overbearing mum!! Usually when I am rejecting something she wants me to do her way, for example wear clothes she picks out for me (I never do, I haven’t for years – I am 36 – but she still does her damnedest!) It hadn’t really struck me before now, what a controlling phrase it is, even when used by a benevolent person. Thanks for that small epiphany though unrelated to men!