Welcome to another episode of The Baggage Reclaim Sessions.
In episode 74, I cover:
What would your future self do?: I explain why keeping your future self in mind can help you to evolve how you respond to certain situations in the present.
Getting boundaried with loved (or not-so-loved) ones who mash up your celebrations: Following my post about why some of us find birthdays and big occasions difficult, I explain how to have better boundaries with people who you’re no longer going to invite, people who you will still need to invite but won’t be drawn into their drama anymore, and how to assert yourself a bit more when arrangements are being made and you feel a bit stressy or hijacked.
Topics covered include:
- Why you have to take responsibility for your side of the street and admit where you hoping that they’ll behave themselves this time is really about avoiding confrontation
- Why it’s not worth feeling bad for days/weeks/months on end for the sake of avoiding saying no
- A number of lines you can use when that certain someone tries to make drama, including:
- I can’t do this right now.
- I’m sorry that you feel this way.
- I hope you get this sorted out.
- Can this wait until tomorrow when I’m not in the middle of my [e.g. wedding]?
- The importance of acknowledging where the stress is coming from
‘We’re both grown-ups’: I touch on why it’s funny how people who throw out this statement are a grown-up when they want to coerce you into doing what they want but not so much of a grown-up when you want something or they need to step up and do the right thing.
Listener Question: Why did the universe send me an unavailable man after all of the work I’ve done on myself?
What I Learned This Week: Sometimes all that someone needs out of a transaction is to be told no.
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Listener questions can be emailed to podcast AT baggagereclaim DOT com and if there’s a topic you’d love me to talk about, let me know!
Nat xxx
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Loved everything about this podcast. Thank you for reminding us that we’re progressing when we stand up for ourselves and values when come across a guy who admits who he is and it’s against what we want. Been starting to feel disappointed but listening to this podcast helped a lot. Thank you.
You’re very welcome, J. You will meet someone else who you won’t have to sacrifice your values for. Take care of you.
So great to hear the woman in the podcast ended the unavailable relationship early rather than subjecting herself to months or years of nonsense… even though it’s such a disappointing and painful situation she has shown herself a lot of self respect and self love, All the baggage reclaim readers are cheering for you!!
I love love love this blog… natalie lue is a goddess and has made such a huge impact on my life and contentment…just wish I could find a similar blog about having a healthy relationship with food.. anyone have any suggestions?
It’s so important to recognise the progress. Saving ourselves months or even years of nonsense, as you point out, Possum, is a big leap from previous involvements. If I think of a site, I’ll let you know!
Thank you. Your message meant a lot. Try Geneen Roth. She is a hilarious American woman who rights about our relationship with food and our bodies. I have found her audiobooks very helpful and her voice takes you away some where else…. Try her two books entitled Women, Food and God and When Food is Love. They are both available on Audible. I hope they help X
Natalie, you are so wise, generous and thoughtful. Thank you for all of the valuable work you do. Many kind regards.
Thank you AlexC!
Aha, “we’re both grown ups”, that old chestnut! Here’s another one along a similar theme: they call you childish and immature because of how you react to their behaviour. But if you try to have an adult conversation about the relationship watch how quick their inner teenage boy comes out as they stonewall you!
Great podcast ????
By the way, the ???? should have been a smiley face. Oops!
Too funny, Dany, and so true! Talk about projection and avoidance! It was him being childish and immature!
Asking what my future self would do and feeling frustrated when unavailable people show up after doing self work really spoke to me, I ended a relationship in December with a man who was not bad but basically wanted somebody to park on the couch with on Saturdays and have sex. He wanted me to come over on Christmas eve and I said no and we have not spoken since. In that time I have had a couple of exes “show up” and I batted them down and said thanks but no thanks. I also decided online dating was not working for me so I stopped. I will not rule it out in the future, but for now it just feels like work not fun. Ironically, two friends who had not been in a relationship for a long time met partners.
On the one hand I am happy for them, I have met both men and they seem nice and appear to treat them well. I feel guilty for admitting this but it made me go……hey what about me and all the work I have done? Where is my prize, so this was a timely reminder that I have done my work for “me” to make peace with my struggles. I think I have a bit more to do in terms of resolving a few things. Thanks, Nat.
Paula
Us doing our work does not guarantee that others do theirs nor changes those parts of our life situations that are outside our control. I am 56, was married to a wonderful man; educated, highly sensitive and emotionally intelligent, good work ethic, ate well and exercised. I feel since then, I have grown immeasurably, am 110x a better, more savvy person than I was back then. What do I get for men now? Serial cheaters, down and outs looking for a meal ticket, wounded birds, and alas a widower who is a weird, hard to suss out EUM. I really feel we as a society at large are much more dysfunctional, EU, dishonest than 30 years ago. One would encounter EUs, cheaters, but it now seems the norm. There’s no way to look at someone and immediately determine whether they’re a problem child unless their behavior is way, way, off. Nat has repeatedly stated “people unfold”, meaning you have to put in the time and yes, when you have to cut them loose, it’s gonna hurt. Some folk hide who they are for a long time, some don’t completely fit the criteria of EU, narcissist etc. they may do some things very well yet totally screw up on other fronts. It sounds, Paula, that you did everything right. He unfolded into something not so great, you asserted yourself, he’s gone. Some regions are worse in relationship dysfunction than others. Ski resort towns, places with post boom-bust economies, rust belt areas, lots of rural areas have far more men than women but the two live on different planets in terms of lifestyle/values/educational/fitness levels. This can vary widely by age range too. One can be approached by many men (or women) in your age bracket that have serious issues simply because that’s all there is in your region. How do other folk similar to you fare relationship-wise? Do those that are partnered have quality partners or are they settling for whatever? It’s not always something flawed with us.
Amazing! Just read your book Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl and loved every minute of it! such a good, and insightful read! Just have a query, what if they went travelling for 6 months after you had dated for 2, are they still a mr unavailable that you should cut out, or is this a different circumstance?
would love to hear your advice!Thanks!! 🙂
Wow. I wanted to test my progress by guessing what your answer would be to the woman who asked why the Universe would send her another EU.
I guessed it right!
I have had a few ‘practice dates’ from Hell, and I just look at them as pop quizzes, exams, mid terms and finals. I get extra credit the faster I catch the assclowns. I have a B- average lately, but when I got here I had a D- average. Thanks, Natalie.
😀