I admit that whilst I am crazy about him, he comes across as shady at times and I have been trying to get him to make a firmer commitment by trying to get him to move in with me. I always wondered why he was routine and why he would sometimes pick arguments with me or be snappy, and now I realise that he was orchestrating his other life.
She actually launched herself at me calling me ugly names and trying to pull my hair out. She had followed him because seemingly she thought he was a bit shady too. We’d only gone to a hotel about an hour away – I had tried to get him to go further but he refused which makes me wonder now if made it that way so he could get back quickly if necessary. She screamed at him “Is this what you call a f*king conference?”
I don’t do fighting but I actually had to force him to get his lazy arse up and get her off me! She was still kicking and flailing after me and I just felt horrified so I just gathered up my stuff and left them at the hotel.
Anyway, I don’t know what to do. I know he’s what you call an assclown and I am so mad at him right now for deceiving me but he says that he only did it because he didn’t want to lose me and she’s a bit of an emotional psycho and after that performance, I can see what he means. He says he’ll do everything in his power to make it up to me but he said that he needs some time before he can finish it with her because he’s worried about what she might do.
Should I wait for him? I don’t want to throw away a year and we get on so great together when things are good…But I don’t want to share him and what if he can’t ever leave?
NML says: The first thing I have to ask is, are you serious?!
Tess, he has lied to you for a year and had you as an undercover Other Woman and now that the secret is out, it’s not like he’s actually going to make a decision; he’s going to keep you in your role!
Why would you do that to yourself and don’t say love makes you do this because if you had any love for yourself, you wouldn’t treat yourself so badly?
How horrible to believe you had a boyfriend, even if he was a bit “shady” and then have the proverbial rug ripped from under you feet by being confronted by his girlfriend! Hair pulling, name calling, and basically being humiliated by this assclown!
You think he did this because he wanted to protect you? That’s BS!
He did this because he wanted to ensure that he could have his cake and eat it too whilst weaving a web of lies.
He was protecting himself from making a decision and he is protecting himself from ever having to truly give of himself in his relationship.
You can’t be emotionally available and be in relationships with two women.
She may well be a psycho or she may be totally normal. I don’t see what she’s trying to pull out your frickin’ hair for when she should have been launching herself on him, but I wouldn’t go buying his crappy little story about her mental stability.
Deception makes people do some whacky things and whilst she is clearly out of order for behaving in this manner, I don’t think it makes her a psycho – It makes her one of many women who has misplaced anger towards the Other Woman because they’re too afraid to be angry at The Cheater.
They treat you like the man stealer or some temptress and personally, short of forcing rohypnol down him for a year, you didn’t force him to creep around behind her back. You were unaware of his deceit.
Many men use the mental stability card to prevent them from making a decision. Trust me, if she really is as bad as she says, he’s not going anywhere.
Some couples get off on breaking up and making up. There are so many men that get ‘caught’ cheating by their wives or girlfriends who actually stay with them instead of taking the opportunity to leave and that’s because aside from the fact that they weren’t going to leave in the first place, she (the wife or girlfriend) has given him a massive ego stroke by fighting for her man and making him have to chase her a bit to get back together.
The Cheater knows how to spin a fine line in BS and what you need to realise is that you are lucky that you got caught. If he was prepared to deceive you in this manner, this could have gone on for years without your knowledge, only when you did find out, maybe you’d have had a kid, or maybe you’d have discovered that the time he went away for a couple of weeks on an intensive course where he could rarely be contacted, he was on honeymoon.
The best thing you could do is give him his marching orders and start asking yourself why you’re actually considering staying with him. Trust me, no matter what you think, you are not that hard up. Don’t behave like a woman that has no options, but remove his options and make his choice for him.
Oh and I would lay bets that he’s told her that he’s told you it’s all over…
Your thoughts?
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this guys is a lying, deceitful loser…. let him loose….
oh, and he’s still lying to you… just so you know.. everything he tells you he will do or why he did it is a lie..
and i have a question? why were you in a hotel room, if you thought you guys were exclusive? why not your place or his place??
that’s what i really want to know!!!
You’re brilliant, NML.
I hope that she can hear you clearly and realize every kind clear word of what you said was true.
He is a horrific assclown with no remorse who only wants his own needs taken care of and lies/manipulates without conscience..
USER.
If she can NO CONTACT him forever more, she’ll have done her self-esteem a huge favor. He not only wasn’t treating her right – he never will. Not her or any other woman.
Shady – huh. How about Prince of Darkness ???
Sheila, because they went away for the weekend.
NML, great advise. Eventually they all get caught, just a question of time…
sounds like a drama filled shit show to me.. her barging into the hotel room..
as the world turns..
Can’t really add more to that, you have it SPOT ON!!!
I can’t stand women who continue having affairs hoping the guy will pick them. And I reckon that’s what will happen to Tess if she takes him back.
Sheila, you are thinking like a cheater, it is not about the girfriend barging into the hotel room…
Tess, actually, my first thought of “what to do” was – send the other girl a thank you card with a dozen roses. State that you hadn’t know he was keeping secrets from you, and you appreciate finding out about his antisocial behavior.
After consideration, I think that is still the right impulse, though actually sending the flowers or note would be a bit much.
What is most painful about all this, though, is that you really do know what to do. You knew he was shady, you were already sure he wasn’t a keeper, you were just looking for ‘proof’ – or for the frog to turn into a handsome prince. Your first, initial instinct – you picked up your stuff and left – was what your heart and your head believed were the right thing to do. You already knew the answer of what to do now. It hurts, and no, there isn’t any way to fix what happened.
As NML and the others have said, the problem here is his lack of character, not the events of the weekend, not the story he has to tell, and not even the year you fear ‘losing’. That won’t be fixed. He will never be a good mate for you. He won’t change. You will never make a ‘man’ of him, and he won’t *become* a dependable, mate-prospect. It won’t happen. It doesn’t happen for men with this kind of problem: Emotionally Unavailable. His life is a permanent date. Dating two women at the same time? Hey, he is the king of high school. He never grew beyond seeing women as date-partners, has never wanted a long term partner.
I think the rule is something like 4-6 months, for a healthy relationship to get at least as far as moving in. He won’t, though. That is *not* about having another relationship, is *not* about what he does or doesn’t do with another woman. His resistance to moving in is that it ties up his other date nights.
You need to end the drama, end the romance, and end the relationship. Not because he cheats, not because there is another woman, but because he will never be a good choice for a mate. And how can you afford to waste time, dating someone that you won’t marry?
I know I use mate and marry as if they were the only reason to date. I think the best long-term relationship partners are people that would make an excellent co-parent and life-mate prospect. Evaluate dates from that perspective, and you avoid the slick-talkers with all that experience talking people into bed (which is a horrible talent for your partner to have, when you would like to thing you are in a dedicated relationship).
Use the No Contact Rule, break it off now, tonight. And hang in there!
I agree with what everyone said here. Trying to talk yourself and us into believing that everything will change is a defense mechanism because you don’t want to be alone. While that’s not a bad urge (who does want to be alone, after all?) what you are overlooking is that if you stay with him YOU WILL ALWAYS BE ALONE because he will never be any of the things that you need or want in order to be healthy and happy. Initiate NCR and STICK TO IT!!! Good luck.
NML is right. Been there.Done that and we get ourselves in bad situations because of the lack of love for ourselves that we let men what they will with us and still around and hope they throw us more than crumbs. The longer you stay the harder it gets and the more he gets out of it. I mean what exactly are these assclowns losing or risking here ?
Why ask
why are you doing this to me
We should be saying
Why am I doing this to myself
Get strong, Get Right, Get Out and Choose Better
Tess,
Brad, Honey and sindh said it really really well.
Astelle.. i realize it’s not about the gf barging into the hotel room, i was simply stating what frigin mess it was and that this poor girl had to deal with all this drama.. and all the while she did not know he was already involved with someone else at all… , she found out to the nth degree…..
that should make walking away that much easier..
leave him and move on..
Sheila, Tess had been ignoring the signs. If she had been about to dump the guy, then this would have certainly been the last straw.
But she had a guy that was hanging back after a year. Instead of cutting him loose, she rewards him with an intimate weekend.
She has a guy that seems ‘a bit shady’, and instead of figuring shady guys would make her life a torment, would always be isolating her from community and school functions and keeping her from friends, she rewards him by trying to ‘win him over’.
So when the guy’s Main Squeeze rushes in, reality smacks Tess across the face, and she is left wondering if this is a one-time mistake, or part of a pattern. Since she hasn’t been taking the warning signals seriously (yet), she likely feels guilty for ‘jumping to conclusions’ – if she wasn’t thinking that, I am *sure* that is one of the lines the guy uses to cover up the incident.
Tess’s first task it recognize that he hasn’t been a good companion for her, for half a year or more. And that is the reason she must dump him. The extra girl thing may or may not turn Tess against him – but his deceit is an enormous obstacle to forming a family.
Tess was already embarked on a crusade to ‘win the guy over’, to pull a Cosmo transform on his ass, to grab his attention, win his respect, and triumph over his ‘fear of commitment’. Only he isn’t afraid to commit – he isn’t capable of committing. Tess isn’t familiar with the signs, she isn’t familiar with the type of guy, nor is she accepting, yet, that an EUM doesn’t change. There is only one defense against an EUM – get away, and avoid them.
Tess have a tough time ahead of her. It would be so easy to continue overlooking they guy’s lack of character and let him convince her this was nothing. It happens to many victims. They remain victims until they ‘hit bottom’ and finally call it quits, abandon what can’t be saved, and move on.
Tess worries about ‘wasting’ a year. I sorrow that she thinks about wasting the next month on a guy that will continue to degrade and belittle and deceive her.
Tess,
I was in your shoes just 6 short wks ago. Only thing was i was with this fool for a lot longer than you were. Said all kinds of things to the other woman like she picked the wrong bitch to mess with etc.. before i confronted him and got a royal cursing out. was told to leave him alone to stay away and never call his house again. i even for the first 2 wks kept sending emails etc.. and still haven’t heard a word. it’s only been 4 wks of NC but i tell you i feel better now than i did 6 wks ago and know it will only get better in time. matter of fact it gets better everyday a little at a time. will this fool ever contact me again? sure he will when he needs something or has nothing better to do with his life or one of the other women he is messing with doesn’t want to put out or whatever. i have to be the strong one to tell him to fuck off. he’s not going to do that. why should he when he knows he can have his cake and it it too. they all come back eventually and know who they can come back too.
i hope for your sake that you have learned a lesson from all of this and truly move on and find someone who is worthy of you and will not take you for granted.
Best of luck. Peace.
Lynn,
Glad to hear life is letting up on you.
The best revenge is living well. It isn’t revenge at all for you, which releases you from ties to the past and to your tormentor.
I would suggest that when you think of future contacts and conversations, you think of your side as being a one-word response: “No.” The time you spend thinking of how it will go, how ‘right’ you will show him you are, the time you spend thinking of how he will learn his lesson – that time and effort ties you to him. Binds you to the past. Makes your life today just that little bit more weary.
He didn’t respect anything you ever said, he doesn’t respect you, and will likely be resentful at any future contact, because you were so contrary he had to chase you down. There is no chance that he will care what you have to say, no chance that he will learn anything from what you say, or that he will blame himself for anything in his life. All your thought and consideration and planning to ‘tell him off’ is a waste of your time and your energy. That simple, one word response, “No.” is a statement, and quite clear. You *dare not* give an explanation to a manipulator. You dare not engage in a conversation – you create ties that he can use to bind and twist you to meet his own needs.
I am sure you realize by now that the other women in his life were not interested in you. That there is no need to be angry with them. You chose to be with this guy, and you are correcting that mistake. There is reason to feel anger at him for his disrespect and deceit of you, but that anger ties you to him still, and you need to let that go for your own health. You might feel guilty or angry with yourself for picking the guy, for living in a way that make this kind of messing around likely, but you are working on that, so there is little need for hurt and anger there, too.
As you come to understand and embrace honor, and honesty, and respect in your life, the chance that you will find another guy like that gets more remote. Set your sights on the stars, and leave the bum behind!
Blessed be!