It’s a new year, new start, blah, blah, blah, yet, what I’ve been hearing about is the demise of many relationships and when I hear the stories, much as I think the guy involved is a dickhead, I’m inclined to also feel that the women in question need to get truly honest with themselves and get their feet into reality. What’s becoming very clear from these stories is that as women, we are prepared to listen to complete shite in our quest to maintain status and be in a relationship. We don’t ask enough questions (sometimes we don’t ask any), and we’re hearing, but we’re not listening. Wake up and smell the coffee ladies. A man can only get away with what he’s allowed to. That doesn’t change whatever he’s going to be and do but what it does change, is whether he’s going to be doing it in our life. If he wants to behave that way, it’s time for him to step and what we’ve got to stop doing as women, is letting our propensity for bullshitting ourselves about men propel us into accepting less than we deserve including substandard behaviour. If we listen to BS, the BS just multiplies.
I’ve often taken the piss out of guys for not listening properly, but the tables need to be turned on us women. Why the hell are we listening to crap? I heard a story recently of a four year web of lies that from the moment I heard the first lie, I knew without question that he already had a girlfriend. Now if I can hear that in ten seconds flat, what the hell is this woman doing for four years? Why do we believe so easily? This guy said he couldn’t be called after 10.30pm, he could only see her on certain days of the week, she couldn’t stay at his because his sister was an epileptic, he rarely stayed at hers and generally acted like a complete penis. It turns out that he didn’t live in the same city with his sister like he claimed; he lived in another city with the girlfriend of nine years. What about his behaviour was giving indicators of a man and a relationship that was befitting of her?
We need to open our eyes and ears and operate with our full senses. This means that we have to stop ignoring things that are staring at us in the face. If situations like that joke of a relationship continue, it’s because the woman has poor self-esteem and wants to believe it rather than face the truth. I’ll tell you why we want to believe so easily: It’s because we bloody well want to!
I was on the tube recently and I was shocked to overhear a woman saying that she had just discovered that her boyfriend of five years was married. How the hell did that happen?, I wondered. Naughty of me to earwig, but it transpired that he was telling both the wife and the mistress that didn’t know she was one, that he was away on business all the time. He had a whole other life and somehow his dodgy excuses, secretive behaviour, only seemed to make sense after he admitted that he was married.
Things occasionally come out of the blue, but in general, when these shady situations unfold and ‘surprise us’, all the hallmarks were there but we just didn’t pay attention. Some things are obvious like crap excuses and other things are more subtle, but we need to get a grip. Our happiness and wellbeing is at stake!
I’m frightened for the woman who will stay in a relationship with a man that is clearly deceiving her. Ask questions when they come up with this crap. Pick holes in their story and be aware that beyond a certain point, certain things are far from being acceptable.
It takes a matter of months to a year for a relationship to be serious and if your man won’t let you stay over when you’ve been together for several years, I’d say he’s hiding something or he’s just quite odd. If it sounds like BS, it is BS. If it walks like a cheat, acts like a cheat, talks like a cheat, it [he] is a cheat. Stop making excuses for him and stop listening to them.
We are hearing, but we’re not listening.
Hearing means that we hear the words, the sentence and take it in and accept it, but listening means that we hear it and listen to it properly and interpret it to fit in with whatever else he has said or the relationship overall. Listening means that we note the body language, the change in tone, and listen for the BS notes. Listening means that we’ll question instead of accepting at face value. It doesn’t mean that you become Inspector Clueso, or Nagging Significant Other by badgering him with questions and not believing anything he says, but it does mean that the bullshit meter is in full operation.
The allowing of certain behaviours is all about acceptance. If our significant other says or does something that we don’t approve of, we can either accept or reject their behaviour. If we accept it, we send a clear signal that the behaviour is acceptable, even if it is wrong and it is likely that that person will repeat the behaviour, however if we reject it, the person is on notice and either has to accept the fact that the behaviour is unacceptable or reject it. If they accept it, happy days and you guys get to move on. If they reject it, two things can happen: It’s either game over for the relationship, or they chance their arm again at the boundary busting behaviour and the cycle starts over until we halt them in their tracks and tell them to bounce. It’s all about what we are prepared to accept or reject behaviour-wise, and if we don’t want to find ourselves with a man who takes advantage, we need to be harder and smarter. Yes it may mean some ‘lonely’ nights in the double bed. Yes it might mean that we’re single for a while. It won’t kill us. It won’t kill you. You’ll sleep easier at night, trust me, and you’ll reap the benefits in the end, with a guy that is willing to respect you and the relationship.