Thanks to a lifetime of experiences so far, we all have our own personal encyclopedias of what does and doesn’t work for us. But we often don’t utilise this vital intel about our needs, desires, values and boundaries.
Instead, even though we know that, for example, when a certain someone asks us to do something we always wind up feeling compromised, we keep saying yes. We know that, for example, we tend to feel icky, anxious and behave uncharacteristically if we become sexually involved with someone in the early stages of dating. Yet again though, now that the possibility of sex is on the table and so we’re aware of the other person’s need and desire, we’re vacillating between forgetting and honouring ourselves.
It’s almost as if we’re thinking and behaving as though this is a decision that we need to reconsider each time. We carry on as if we’re ‘surprised’ that this repeat frustration is back and deliberating with ourselves.
But if we know that something doesn’t work for us (and we also know what does), why ignore it? Why keep reconsidering something we already know?
In Obama’s time at the White House, he never had to think about what to wear because he wore variations of the same thing. This became his uniform. Some of us have a signature look or signature pieces and just top up each year. Others have the same breakfast. These are decisions they don’t have to make because they’re already decided.
We could all do with being like this about our values and boundaries. Instead of shapeshifting to suit the situation or what we think we can get or avoid, we can decide. We can make our values and boundaries our uniform. Why ignore the data? Why add unnecessary decisions to our day? We can take what we already know about us and use it to guide us into self-supporting decisions. This is far better than pressing the ‘reset button’ on ourselves each time.
I’ve been running Baggage Reclaim since September 2005, and I’ve spent many thousands of hours writing this labour of love. The site has been ad-free the entire time, and it costs hundreds of pounds a month to run it on my own. If what I share here has helped you and you’re in a position to do so, I would love if you could make a donation. Your support is so very much appreciated! Thank you.
Copyright Natalie Lue 2005-2024, All rights reserved. Written and express permission along with credit is needed to reproduce and distribute excerpts or entire pieces of my work.
Manage Cookie Consent
To provide the best experiences, we use technologies like cookies to store and/or access device information. Consenting to these technologies will allow us to process data such as browsing behaviour or unique IDs on this site. Not consenting or withdrawing consent, may adversely affect certain features and functions.
Functional
Always active
The technical storage or access is strictly necessary for the legitimate purpose of enabling the use of a specific service explicitly requested by the subscriber or user, or for the sole purpose of carrying out the transmission of a communication over an electronic communications network.
Preferences
The technical storage or access is necessary for the legitimate purpose of storing preferences that are not requested by the subscriber or user.
Statistics
The technical storage or access that is used exclusively for statistical purposes.The technical storage or access that is used exclusively for anonymous statistical purposes. Without a subpoena, voluntary compliance on the part of your Internet Service Provider, or additional records from a third party, information stored or retrieved for this purpose alone cannot usually be used to identify you.
Marketing
The technical storage or access is required to create user profiles to send advertising, or to track the user on a website or across several websites for similar marketing purposes.