We often don’t realise how reliant we are on being ‘strong’ and The Supportive One until we experience discomfort and resistance around expressing our need for help and support. This week’s episode of The Baggage Reclaim Sessions delves into some of the reasons we do this, why it hampers our wellbeing and relationships instead of helping it, and how to start having an honest conversation with ourselves about our resistance and discomfort.
5 key topics in this episode
- When you resist expressing your need for help or support, there’s often a tendency to drop hints, to hope and pray that someone will read your mind or see through the carefully constructed facade. You have to build up the courage to do it even though you wouldn’t expect others to do that when approaching you.
- Perhaps you keep a lot to yourself, not because you’re deceptive, but to avoid being a burden. Your discomfort may be disguised by thinking that you’re just trying to figure things out on your own when really what you’re doing is avoiding vulnerability and letting people into your struggles.
- Part of the reason we’ve adopted the role of being The Strong or Supportive One is it being an attempt to meet our emotional needs without making ourselves too vulnerable or even acknowledging that we have needs in the first place.
- Always being The Giver or everything having to be transactional where we see people as a means to an end or feel as if we have to earn support first or pay it back is a block to intimacy. It puts the people around us in the role of Taker, which is a breeding ground for resentment and imbalance.
- If people don’t know that we need help or support without us spelling it out, it doesn’t neccesarily make them ‘bad’ partners, friends or family members. And it’s OK to verbalise our needs. e.g. I hold my hands up. I know I act like I’ve got everything covered and don’t normally let you get involved, but right now, I need you to [insert what you need].
- Breaking free of roles in our interpersonal relationships (ep 128)
- It’s not that you’re not good enough; you’re over-responsible (ep 158)
- I’m anxious about something (ep 210)
- Ask for help (ep 6)
- Why some people call you ‘needy’ even though you might rarely voice your needs
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Are you ready to stop silencing and hiding yourself in an attempt to “please” or protect yourself from others? My new book, The Joy of Saying No: A Simple Plan to Stop People Pleasing, Reclaim Boundaries, and Say Yes to the Life You Want (HarperCollins/Harper Horizon), is out now.