“My boyfriend recently broke up with me, after we were together for two years, with first year not so serious. He wanted to be with me but I wasn’t as interested, but the second year we played house. I would go over there cook him dinner, clean, decorate (buy all of it).I was the perfect little housewife. We got along, or so I thought. We both told each other we loved one another and I thought everything was going well and this relationship was building.

He started to be weird and have doubts saying “We have nothing in common and how I never did anything for him”, when it was the complete opposite. Just because I did not want to go out and get wasted every night didn’t mean we had nothing in common. Things just seemed to go from bad to worse, like we were a old married couple. We fought a lot towards the end even though I still loved him and would do anything for him.

I went over to his house for dinner as usual and he was very quiet, and didn’t really talk to me. Then at the end of the meal he broke up with me. I left the house upset and he has not made contact since, with no reason to give to me. Now he suddenly has this new girlfriend. Was he with this girl while he was with me??? Word on the street is he was seeing her while he was dating me. What do I do?? He will not answer any of my calls or text me back…I want an explanation and definitely deserve one. I would not be so upset if I was given a reply. What happened? We were so happy and seemed to be getting comfortable…only for him to drop this on me. It came out of leftfield. I am confused, hurt and most importantly p*ssed off!!! I need advice before I go on the war path.”

NML says: OK first of all, I think that you need to step back and separate yourself from the recent break-up and ask yourself how you truly felt about this guy because it seems that for each year of the relationship, there has been an imbalance of interest from each party. If you weren’t that fussed about him the first year, how did you both end up playing house?

That said, for whatever reason, you did invest yourself more into the relationship from the second year and your ex seems to have done a total 360 on his feelings for you – or has he? Some men are about the thrill of the chase and when you don’t appear to be so interested, they will make all of the right noises. They will charm you, disarm, and stick to you like glue, and eventually, for a lot of the women who find themselves on the receiving end of this behaviour, you will be drawn in and ‘worn down’. You ended up succumbing although in hindsight, you’re probably wondering why.

When you switched into wifey mode, that was quite an about turn and I suspect that he went from chasing and desiring you, to taking it and you for granted. He suddenly had what he appeared to have wanted and then decided he was bored and that you weren’t right for him, you have nothing in common etc.

While you may have had some things in common, a woman who cooks and cleans for a guy in wifey mode will struggle to have much in common with a guy that wants to party every night and get wasted. You may have been happy about certain things but from what I have read, there were things that were clearly wrong in the relationship if you were fighting so much like ‘an old married couple’. It doesn’t sound like either one of you were ‘happy’ or ‘comfortable’.

While you deserve an explanation on a number of levels, I wouldn’t hold your breath for one. I would be very careful of blazing in there for an explanation or an argument. If he is not returning your calls and texts, it’s likely that he won’t have anything good to say and you have to ask yourself what you stand to gain by having this conversation with him? If you really want to move on, cut contact and wash your hands of him because there is no explanation good enough for why he is cheating and I doubt that there is anything that he is going to say that will suddenly make you feel OK. If you confront him, he will write you off as a ‘psycho’ (which you aren’t) and think he is totally right to behave as he has. You sound like you are well shot of him and if I was you, I’d focus on yourself, give yourself time to get over the break up, and move on. And next time make sure that you are very interested when you date a guy because when you’re not, it tends to end in tears. There is nothing about what he has done that you can’t understand from his actions. What can he say? He sounds like quite a chump.

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4 Responses to Advice: Should I Confront My Ex?

  1. Katie says:

    Oh, honey! My heart goes out to you because I was in the exact same situation. I know how incredibly much it hurts. But I have to say that NML’s advice is correct – don’t try to reach him and don’t try to hold on. Especially if he’s with someone else. Think of it as a power struggle. Right now he has all the power because he knows he can hurt you and make you frantic by not answering your messages. But if you cut him out (delete him from your phone/IM/facebook/everything) and refuse to speak to HIM if he comes a-knocking, you now have the power. Don’t let him have that power over you!

    Remember this: even if he’s the most perfect guy on the planet to everyone else in his past, present and future, he’s been unforgiveably disrespectful to you, and that’s all you should care about. Nothing excuses disrespect. NOTHING. If he cheated, you don’t want him. If he wouldn’t give you a reason, you don’t want him. Those things are dealingbreakingly disrespectful. Even if he was great before that, you don’t want a man who will do those things. Period.

    It WILL get better. I promise. But you have to cut him out and not let him back, so that you can move on. It will take time, but you’ll get there.

  2. Brad K says:

    I am sorry this happened to you.

    I agree that there is little to gain in confronting your ex. He isn’t taking care of what matters to you, and you might not be hearing what is important to him.

    But I think there are a couple of mistakes you might have made, that you might want to think about. One mistake is to assume that you are giving appropriately.

    It is really, immensely tough to give a meaningful gift. A gift that will be appreciated for the gift’s sake as well as who the gift is from. You have to know the recipient very well to give a treasured gift. You comment that you didn’t want to just get wasted all the time. While it is possible that being wasted is really what he valued, the likelihood that he enjoyed the company, or the social interaction, or nostalgia — whatever, there were probably other feelings and desires associated with the act of getting wasted that appealed to him. Your dismissing the whole action is disrespectful of his feelings. You become a couple by learning about one another – all about one another. On the other hand, if he is regularly under the influence, you probably have an addict of some kind, and you are enabling his continued destructive behavior, and a person unable to tell the truth. Why would you risk yourself by associating with someone spreading destruction about themselves, and why would you compromise your own worth by contributing to something destructive?

    Back to gifts. I took a weekend retreat in California. They told us to give our girl a gift. Something that actually meant something to her, something meaningful. Doing dishes each night might be one gift, but might not, depending on whether she treasured the time for planning the next meals, reviewing her day, relaxing — or spent the whole time resenting working while you relax in the other room. So you have to *know* what she wants. It appears you skipped that step, with getting into the decorating and cooking at his place. Your explanation sounds like you are confusing polite acceptance on his part with actual enjoyment and appreciation. Actions speak louder than words. We were also told that weekend that women are much smarter than men. Women can discuss emotions intelligently, while men communicate in well placed grunts and pokes. You heard what you wanted to hear, and didn’t respect what he was actually expressing. Don’t feel too alone, men and women have been struggling to understand each other for a long time.

    The cheating was wrong. I would have to know him to know, but possibly he felt the situation was over a long time ago, at least to being an exclusive relationship. Which is when he should have been man enough to break off before someone else caught his eye, or maybe reconciled whatever problems he was having with the relationship. That is one reason the formal ceremony of a hand-fasting or marriage can be so powerful – it marks a turning of lives, the ending of what went before and a clear declaration of what is born. But the cheating, possibly it was simply bad behavior — in which case, why were you staying with a guy with questionable character? You should have been satisfied with his moral fiber, his integrity, his honesty, to take a second date. And you should have been satisfying yourself all along about his character. You should have been satisfied with his loyalty and that he returned your care and regard before being intimate with him — let alone start cooking and decorating his house.

    I know it probably sounds as if I think you did wrong. No. Really, I just hope you look at things differently next time.

  3. Freedom says:

    Wow! That’s a powerful line – “There is nothing about what he has done that you can’t understand from his actions”

    So true. Unfortunately, when we are hurting we yearn for some comfort. We hope that somehow, in some way we are interpreting the situation incorrectly. Often, we aren’t.

    I agree with NML and others on this one. Walk away and down beat yourself up for having some strong feelings about it. Allow yourself the time to heal but move on.

  4. Freedom says:

    Typo. I meant ‘Don’t beat yourself up’

My Book - Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl

Stop believing that you did something to make them unavailable or that their inadequacies are down to your inadequacies - it is not about you; they are unavailable!

My Book - Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl

Stop believing that you did something to make them unavailable or that their inadequacies are down to your inadequacies - it is not about you; they are unavailable!