Whilst you’ve been mourning the loss of your ex, you’ve probably decided that you’re not going trust again, that you’re just going to keep it casual, or make tings difficult for the next man. You may even decide that you don’t think you can ever love again.
I remember crying over some assclown about ten years ago and putting Toni Braxton’s ‘Unbreak My Heart’ on repeat. Sure I’d forgotten him within a couple of months and I have to close my eyes and cringe at the image of myself wallowing in the madness of heartbreak.
You want to be love. You want to be in love. You want to love. But you’re starting to close up inside and can’t trust yourself or your judgement.
But remember, Thou must not give up on love. If you give up on love, you give up on yourself.
The crucial thing after a difficult break up is to get this whole love thang into perspective.
Love is a beautiful and powerful thing, but only when it originates from the right place.
Often us loving someone is about us not loving ourselves that much – this is not healthy.
Love should allow you to be you. You shouldn’t be a ‘morpher’ the moment that you declare love and lose your personality and sense of self.
Love doesn’t happen just because you’ve decided it should.
It’s not a case of hanging around until he suddenly realises how amazing you are and declares his underlying love. Where is your love for you?
If you get to live the fairy tale, and really, I doubt you will be able to every single day, minute, and hour for the rest of your life, you are the exception not the norm.
Love starts with YOU first.
If you love YOU first, it begs the bigger question of whether loving him means that you can’t love you?
Love is not about deciding that you love someone even when he doesn’t treat you that great but assuming that your overwhelming feelings for him make it so.
This is the biggest struggle that we have as women. Loving a man for any number of arbitrary reasons and placing our love on him. It’s a bit like “Well I love him so he has to love me and if I love him it means that this is ‘the one'”
We assume that because we think we love someone that it makes the relationship right.
You are far likely to get to a healthy relationship full of love with someone if you know how to love yourself first.
Lose this unconditional love mallarky that we seem to love hurling in the direction of unsuitable men, and start spending a little time closer to home with YOU.
God knows as someone who has been down the rocky road and back again, I know how easy it is to close yourself off and effectively shut down out of self protection.
You become wary of trusting your judgement and you become afraid of ‘failing’.
The thing is, relationships are the sum of two people, who have both of their feet in the relationship, and who both take a leap of faith.
You need to find a balance – you don’t need to be pessimistic but you don’t need to be so optimistic that you keep thinking every guy that asks you out is ‘The One’ and putting your name in front of his surname to see what it sounds like before you’ve even had a first date.
Don’t be desperate. Don’t leave your anger unaddressed. Don’t be frustrated. Don’t operate out of distrust or resentment.
Focus on doing something positive with the negative experience, like loving you more and being 100% committed to you.
In turn, once you commit to breaking any negative patterns and approaching your relationships healthily, commit to remembering the lessons learned from your past, but don’t tar every man with the same brush.
Date the guy; don’t date him and then act like you’re going out with every one of your exes and project! Men hate feeling like they’re dating walking baggage and it’s not fair for him to have to clean up the mess and be punished for the mistakes of others. You have to judge him on the basis of your experience with him – not your past and ideally without a whole load of fear weighing you down.
Instead of saying “I will never trust a man ever again” say “I will learn how to trust a man again and I won’t give any more power to the negative experience, because I need to get on with my life and live it”.
Embrace yourself, embrace your life, embrace your experience, and move forward. If you give up on love, you’re shutting down your capacity to feel. And trust me, if you shut yourself off and declare yourself ‘off’ men or afraid of commitment, you have a lot more waifs and strays from the assclown camp to welcome into your life.
Your thoughts?
Check out Commandment 1: Thou shalt cut off this ‘Let’s be friends’ mallarky
Check out Commandment 2: Thou shalt not obsess
Check out Commandment 3: Thou shalt stop fearing the pain of breaking up and confront it.
Check out Commandment 4: Thou shalt stop doubting yourself and get angry.
Check out Commandment 5: Thou shalt be accountable
Check out Commandment 6: Thou shalt understand WHY and do something with the knowledge
Check out Commandment 7: Thou shalt forgive…but not forget…but don’t cling.
Check out Commandment 8: Thou need to get a life!
Check out Commandment 9: Thou mustn’t give up on love.
Check out Commandment 10: Thou must close the door and move forward
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NML – How do you keep getting back up & brushing yourself off? I DID trust this time when maybe I shouldn’t have. I knew without trust it would never work. THAT is the worst of all. To believe in someone again after a very tough divorce & have it end up this way. I trusted TOO much. Is there a way to trust but be aware of the “red flags”?
Kim,
watch if his actions match his words, follow your gut, if it says” I am not sure about that guy” listen and run the other way.
That is what I am going to do from now on. Kim, we have learned too much here to let another je*k play and use us.
In the last few weeks I have been really trying to take care of myself, and doing things that make me happy. Loving myself and knowing that I won’t settle for anything less and that I am doing my best to not go down the same path is extremely empowering. There is a different kind of energy that I feel that I am carrying around these days now (although some are still a struggle! ). I feel more at peace too…it has been a long journey, and one that I don’t think I could go through again.
But the lesson that I learned was necessary, and this is the first time in my life that I can honestly say that I feel that I am ready for a commmitted, happy relationship. One where there is equality, and where both people are fully present, and both evolve in the relationship (emotionally, psychologically, spiritually) by being mindful of their own actions and behaviour. Where I can still be ‘me’ but there is also an ‘us’.
I think the key to trusting again is letting go of fear, and trusting yourself, first and foremost. It’s about carefully observing, being alert and paying attention to your feelings, and really getting to know the other person, and how you feel around them.
We can never give up on love (whether it’s romantic or friendship), it’s one of the most magical and beautiful mysteries that bring us together as human beings.
I haven’t given up on love, just would like to find it
Hi NML,
Very insightful post, so right on! Thank you, thank you!! This particular one hit me in many areas, are you sure you weren’t reading my mind!!
I think the bottom line, with me anyway, is loving yourself. If you could name one or two ways in which you came to a place of beginning to love yourself, what would they be. Sometimes I feel as though I’ve hated myself all of my life, but then again maybe it’s just a protection mechanism like you were talking about. There must be some kind of break through aside from counseling and such as I have been down that road many times and that can get quite expensive. All in All I am learning from this blog site and the comments made.YOU are truly an angel sent from Heaven…………….
Kim, I think the important point is to “date the guy”. Learning to trust again is great. But something has to happen first – you have to find a guy that you are relatively safe in trusting.
And that is tough. You could ask the people he works with, his family, neighbors, or his previous dates or wives, but we aren’t used to doing that. It sounds like (and often is) gossip, or interfering. And most people aren’t able to answer well, anyway, we aren’t used to thinking, “Well, I guess I trust John unless he is late on a project or the customer is here or a manager could over hear him, then he tends to bullshit and the truth isn’t in him, and he makes extravagant promises that he doesn’t intend to keep.”
What is left is detective work. Looking for meanings, keeping track of events. Is he prompt, good with children and aminals? Disciplined, dependable, truthful? Or is he often angry or scornful? Does he look for good in people, or find something to criticize where ever he looks? Don’t worry about whether his excuses and explanations sound believable or dubious – how many times does he abandon you or plans, or need a alibi or excuse?
And you have to earn his trust. If he can’t trust you, then worrying about whether you can trust him is pretty pointless. Can he trust you to tell the truth, to be prompt, not to need explanations or excuses? Do you embellish what you say, do you show him the respect you want in return? Hint: It does you no harm to be generous and respectful until he shows he cannot be trusted or isn’t worthy of respect.
Hint 2: Once you see the red flags, decide if you want the old, painful longings and heartbreak — or if you want a better way to spend your life, and someone better to spend it with. And act. Promptly. Never go on a date without cab fare home.
Astelle – I am taking your advice. If I have learned anything it is that something just was “off” the whole time & I didn’t follow my gut. I so regret not saying “look me up when you’re sure you are ready”. I could have left with some dignity.
Brad – I think the key for me here like you said is in the dating. This was a guy from my past. We went to the same high school, dated for 4 years in college, knew each others families, went to church together. He coaches little league & football & is a great father. He had all of the qualities & character I look for. I WAS NOT aware of his EU. People change or maybe I never really knew him. I got a bum deal. This guy was a wolf in sheeps clothing. What else can eye say?
Lee – I agree with you on the “protection mechanism” thing. I have been trying to figure that out as well thru therapy for years and it is very costly. Amen to NML for her guidance!
Brad – One more thing. I felt TOTALLY safe with this guy as we had a prior relationship. I saw no red flags when I dated him years ago. Maybe I was young & nieve. Something must have happened to him along the way or I just was too young to see the signs before. All I know is he really threw me this time. All of the “flags” were there I just didn’t know what they meant. With a stranger I do believe that “dating” is about discovery as you say but I will be so much more guarded now.
does anyone else have a hard time with weekends?
Kim,
I am sure you were a different person those years ago, too. You had different fears, different experiences behind you, and your goals were different, too. The same guy from years ago might not be at all what you need today. If course, if you had kept him back the, and you two had stayed close, then he would be different today.. Ah, well. Too soon we get old, too late wise. I read that once.
But, more ‘guarded’, that might be appropriate, but also might be a self-fulfilling promise of failure. I think the best thing would be to approach life open, unguarded, and moderately alert for danger signals. You are more aware, now, of some of the danger signals, and have a better understanding of what they mean in your relationships with others. You have to be a giving person, to a certain extent, to find gifts in others. With experience, we learn to tell the gifts from the pranks and .. ahem .. assclowns. React quickly and firmly to warning signals, but don’t spend a lot of time or effort looking for them.
Oh I remember playing Unbreak My Heart on repeat I was still with the EUM though, funny that, shame he hadn’t walked out .. But it does beg the question do EUMs ever really walk out or cut it off ??
Brad – I feel “experience” is def what is lacking with me. I married fairly young & after a devastating divorce that left me financially & emotionally in shambles I wouldn’t allow myself to get hurt again. I didn’t date for 8 years & gained weight and hid behind the veil. I had that “self fullfilling” prophecy you speak of as it was safe. I totally put myself out there & trusted this time as it was the1st time in years I felt able to do so. Maybe because it was someone I already knew & he pursued me. I got so wrapped up in the wonderful feelings at 1st that I ignored the flags. The experience with dating that I lacked didn’t enable me to tell the “gifts from the pranks” as you said but I knew something was off. As I have said before I know I wouldn’t have tolerated as much with another guy due to the “history” we had, my lack of experience with flags & wanting the dream so much. I know that if I truly want a relationship I have to be open to it. It is just unfortunate that after such a bad divorce it ended up this way. Obviously that is where experience would have greatly helped me. I believe my guy may have been trying to recapture his youth & trying to heal a bruised ego. I also believe he knew on some level I wasn’t “the one” & that is why he kept me at arms length. What are your feelings on “resistant” men? After all we have discussed here on this site about EUM’s, dating & relationships I am interested in your perspective as a man. I am still trying to decipher EU from a “resistant man” / a man who has no intentions of commiting with anyone or one who just doesn’t commit with YOU. There have to be fundamental differences. Either way the outcome is the same but if I am leading to the demise of these realtionships in some way I need to know that so I can break the pattern.
Kim – It’s about trusting yourself and balancing the will to get up and try again with your gut and your judgement skills. Trying again is not about being blind to signs that all is not well. If you spot the red flags, you are using your judgement skills and all you have to do is trust your assessment of the situation and do something with the knowledge. It means that you minimise the damage that someone can do to you when you recognise when to bail. Also you don’t commit or get carried away with the idea of being with him until you have determined whether there is any red flag behaviour.
Jaynes – Hehe. I hear you! Cliche as it may be, don’t look too hard!
Astelle – Amen! Well said!
Joanna – Amen again! Today in the last commandment I wrote about how if loving him means that you can’t love you, you should always choose you first. No questions. I am really pleased at how much progress you are making and the realisations you are unearthing. It’s all about how you feel.
Brad K – Very well said. The fact that someone may find red flags is a signal for them to apply their judgement skills. Trust is something that is earned and the more that someone demonstrates their trust worthiness, is the better that you feel. Women tend to trust right off the bat and ignore the big stuff.
Lee – That is so sad to hear that you feel that way about yourself. (((hugs))) You have to shake off whatever beliefs you have about you and replace them with something positive. When you say things like ‘i’m not lovable’ say ‘I am very lovable. I am capable of love, loving, and being loved’ because as you know, if you don’t love you, it will be an uphill struggle. Everyone can find at least 5 things lovable about themselves. This is a good place to start. You can’t change where you’ve been but you can change where you are going to. You’ve got to challenge what you believe about yourself and start talking positively to you and about you. If you believe you are a certain way because of things that happened in the past, challenge it and apply a more rational objectivity to it. I used to think that there was something unlovable about me because my father and mum weren’t together. In reality, my parents didn’t get on and that had nothing to do with me but they could have handled it better. I also realised his actions were more about him than they were about me, which at times made him selfish but it certainly didn’t make it my fault or me unlovable. I also realised I’m not a child anymore and I don’t want or need to create some missed childhood experience with him. There were lots of things that cropped up but most importantly I forgave him and I forgave me.
Kim – Prior relationships are a trap. We date who we think we know him to be as opposed to the true, present him.
Sheila – Weekends are difficult because you’re not at work or may have filled your time with him. It’s actually the time you need to plan for most of all!
Brad – That was a really good response. You are right – react. Don’t sit back and let the red flag play out – react!
Tulipa – That’s a good question. Often they’re too cowardly to really walk out so you tend to find that most of the time when you lose touch with them, it’s because you’ve moved on, or he has found some new prey. If they do fully cut you off, you have to have really p*ssed them off or scared the crap out of them.
NML, “Women tend to trust right off the bat and ignore the big stuff.”
I think men look for a woman for various reasons. First, probably, is ego stroking, which is what boys and men find that sex gives them, at least at first. Babies have to be taught to talk, taught truth and courtesy. Men have to learn to discover the richness of a relationship, which they usually aren’t ready to notice until after they get lucky. And that might be the second bigger reason men want a companion – for comfort, for sharing, for someone they respect and get to know well, that they trust with dreams and hopes, that help them to grow and that make their lives happier. What used to be more common, and is probably in third place in today’s world following the disconnection of people from family of the 1960’s – is to build a family. They want a co-parent for the kids they want. Men want the wife that fills the role of spouse.
I don’t think most men are looking for warning flags that say a woman might not be a good choice for a companion for him. For the most part, I don’t think we know any of the warning flags, what the flags mean, or what we should do about warning flags. We learn as we grope (!?) our way through dates, encounters, rumors, gossip, and what we read.
Men are also too trusting, at first, that any companion is a companion suitable for a life-long mate and co-parent prospect.
Kim, I think your inability to loves yourself likely has to do with the people in your life that felt fashion and a good husband were the way to be happy, and they spent a good part of your life telling you when you were missing the goal. They nagged you with the constant input that there were goals, ways to be happy. But you never satisfied those nagging you.
Kim, you sound like a wonderful person. You feel too guilty about the choices you made in the past, and I think your experiences with love, with hurt, with growing and living with another are more important, and more useful, than you perhaps feel. You may have married young, and that is a part of your life. When you say ‘too young’, it sounds like an echo of someone that you wanted to like you, to respect you, but you never felt good enough.
You were experienced enough to ‘feel a bit off’ when he wasn’t the right one for you. You just had to re-learn that you are expected to make a choice.
Brad-I think that red flags are different for everybody, there may be some common denominators, but for the most part it is highly personal. I think for men as well. Red flags for some of my male friends (that they have imparted to me) are neediness, clinginess, lack of female friends, constant bitching about anything and everything.
Some of these apply for women in their relationships too, but for the most part we each have our definite ‘oh crap’ signs. That’s YOUR gut and you have only YOU to answer to.
As for women being generally more trusting, I actually find the inverse to be true. Most guys I know fall harder and faster than most women. Most. And generally trust that the woman knows where their head is at, where they are at. Or maybe it’s just ignorance 😛
Men also aren’t as likely to listen to or care if their friends don’t like their girlfriend, where as women tend to be more easily swayed by opinion, by wanting to do the right thing, by being ‘a good girl’. Just my observations anyway.