I’ve always known that No Contact works otherwise I wouldn’t spend so much time writing about it and advising people, but it’s painful, a shock to the emotional system, and brings about so many conflicting feelings, not least because the men that you need to do No Contact with tend to be assclowns that won’t let go and chase harder even though they don’t want you.
But Sheila, a reader who spent a hell of a lot of time on this site commenting and on the forum, who suffered so much angst I’m sure people weren’t sure whether she would ever cut the contact, is over him. It’s taken 6 months, many email exchanges between us, on the wagon, off the wagon, pain, misery suffering, self-doubt, a serious lack of self-love and anxiety, but I got an email from Sheila at the weekend that started like this:
“Just thought I’d check in… Haven’t posted in a while, which only means one thing right.. I’m HEALED!!!”
Sing in an your best opera voices, with birds flocking and the seas parting… HA-LLE-FRICKIN-LUJAH!
To give a little background, Sheila and her guy were both separated for the past year or so and going through divorces, or at least she was. She wanted more, he wanted less. It was a heady, passion fueled ‘relationship’ but Sheila was miserable and as she pushed for more from him, he withdrew. She thought they were more than just casual but he just wanted the easy life. Sheila chased more and so it went back and forth till it got to the point where she had become obsessed with him, knew he was an assclown, but couldn’t let go of him.
I managed to find Sheila’s first comment:
“I just ended a relationship with an EUM.. and I have the book on line about EUM, and it’s so so true.. This has been so hard the last month or so, but all the signs are there, and he’s still creeping in thinking we can be friends. I have officially started the NO CONTACT as of today.. I will keep you posted.. it won’t be easy, but it’s time to think about me for once…”
3 weeks later contact was broken:
“NML, I would like to take a page out of your book.. I just broke 3 weeks of NC last night.. I ignored the text, was very proud of myself. Then he called.. after 3 weeks of not speaking to him, just text messages.. I looked at the phone for about 20 seconds and picked up!!! God,it’s so hard. It was a weird convo, def not the same, no idea why he decided to call me after not speaking to him in 3 weeks – I was upbeat, I was not down, I just have to decide what happens next. I cannot have false hope, but I know in a few days, let’s say this w/e, if I do not hear from him, I’ll be down and out. I think at that point I will be pissed off and leave him behind and move on. Seems nothing changes except my hopes from high to low.. I can deal with not contacting him, that is not the hard part, it’s ignoring the texts and not picking up that phone last night.. God, it’s like getting over a drug!!!!”
And what followed was Sheila’s own public struggle with No Contact, with readers trying to help, the two of us emailing, and Sheila veering between being in ok-ish state to being totally distraught. They were sometimes speaking every day, sleeping together, she would feel hopeful, he would disappoint (again), and so the cycle continued. You can see a lot of what was going on here.
In the emails we exchanged, which at one point were every couple of days, I had to be blunt and do tough love. Why? I’m not here to stroke your ego’s or tell you that the self-harm you’re engaging in is right. I’m never cruel but in these situations, I may be the only person who is actually going to be honest with you. I knew that eventually, a combination of factors would start the shift in Sheila’s mentality where No Contact would become less about trying to avoid him but at the same time obsessing about him, and instead become more about seeing No Contact as the beginning and an opportunity for positive growth and change.
The reality is: everything we say about why we can’t cut the contact is an excuse. But at some point, if you’re committed to you, and stick to living in the reality, the truth of these assclowns is unavoidable and suddenly, never seeing them again or not speaking to them is the most natural thing in the world because you realise that what you’ve been doing so far doesn’t benefit you.
I kept reminding Sheila, to stick to facts, stick to reality, and see this guy for what he is.
One of the benefits of No Contact is that during this period, he is likely to show his true colours and you’re likely to find out things about him that should cement your decision.
Absence doesn’t make the heart grow fonder with No Contact; it makes it grow wiser.
And indeed, truth provided freedom for Sheila.
“I’m 3 months NC and am finally feeling like myself again.. I finally put an end to it and am moving on. I recently found out some things about him that were very hurtful, but they made me see the light as to what kind of person he is.. and believe it or not, after the stinging stopped, I woke up!!!!
He is a sad, sad soul and I’m much better off. He will be a scumbag the rest of his life, and I have finally seen it.
Thanks for all your support thru all of this…I will say this was one of the most difficult things I’ve ever gone through, but 6 months later.. I’m feeling fantastic.. I still have the thoughts, but they are few and far between and they don’t hurt anymore.”
That ladies, is progress.
Remember, No Contact is not instant or an ending; it’s a beginning. It requires managing major change in your life and depending on how much emotional damage has been done, it takes time to change your attitudes and mentality, but nowhere near as much time as it would take to convert these assclowns (forever…).
Congratulations Sheila and stay the course.
I will be posting properly about this tomorrow but there are more books from me on the way for readers and the first one (this is the working title) is:
Get Over Him: How to Lose an Assclown & Other Pain in the Arse Men
A guide to living an assclown free life, the No Contact Rule, and becoming a healthier, positive you.
Your thoughts?
If you want to understand why you’re attracted to Mr Unavailables, check out my book Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl.
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Sheila, I can’t believe it, you are finally over it!! I am proud of you. No contact is the only way to go, it will give peace of mind. Doesn’t it feel good to finally feel good?
Good thing is, this will never happen to us again, I feel I can smell them a mile away!
NML, I still believe that for some of these EUM, control is more important to them than actually being with you, I think due to the narcisstic tendencies.
Could you post something about it?
Looking back, my clown is a narcissist, I have no doubt and me chasing him was all about control for him and I have no doubt that in his sick twisted mind he still expects to hear from me.
Astelle.. thank you!!!
Yes, mine was a narcissist too.. text book, TEXT BOOK!!!!!
they dont’ know how to love, just satisfy themselves ….they are sad, sad, insecure pathetic souls!!!
Sheila, I’m so proud of you! Your story is so similar to mine and seeing that you weathered that emotional storm is giving me hope that I can too. I fell off the wagon when I responded to his text to give him a piece of mind and explain how he treats me. What a waste!
NML: Love the titles. Re: “How to lose an assclown”, I got rid of mine by trying to define the relationship and talking about babies… lol
Astelle: Yup, I’m learning how to detect these men and their BS.
Well done Sheila.
Sheila – You will never know just how happy I am for you. You have been a great friend & support for me & I hope I have been the same for you. We will look back at t his someday & realize just how strong we really are. I hope I am the 1st one you call when you finally meet that guy who treats you the way you deserve! Here sto “The Secret” & movin’ on! Thx for helping me stay positive!
xxxo-Kim
Sheila, it was interesting to read the thread that NML attached to this post, and see the process you went through in order to heal yourself and move on. You should feel extremely proud of yourself that you weathered the storm and came out on the other side with increased self-esteem, self love, and with the knowledge of making better choices in relationships in the future. I would love to see a post from you sometime soon that tells us that you met a wonderful man who treats you well and gives you the love you so deserve. Good for you! 🙂
WOW…..Shella, you did it girl. I had faith you would and you gave me so much support, thank you. Unfortunately for me I fell off the wagon after 5 weeks of NC but I’m back on again and going through withdrawals. I actually broke up with him over the phone and told him it was truly over this time, I’d never done that before, so I hope he gets the message. Congrats to you!!!
NML…these men really are like drug addictions, I’ve never felt such an obsession for any man in my life. It’s so hard to break the habit and that’s what it is,… a really bad habit. So Sheila deserves a BIG HELL YEAH!!!!!!
Cynnie…..I love what you said:
“NML: Love the titles. Re: “How to lose an assclownâ€, I got rid of mine by trying to define the relationship and talking about babies… lol”
How true…same thing happened to me….he just wouldn’t define the relationship in the second year…even though we had planned to get married in the first year…lol. What an assclown!!!
Bravo, Bravo Sheila!!!!!!!!!
:0)
Congratulations, Sheila! You are AWESOME!!!!!
Congrats. I know how hard it is.
It took me years sometimes in the past to end things. The struggle is incredible.
What I like about this site is people understand. They dont sit there and judge you and say “why don’t you just move on?”. They know why. .
Sheila – wonderful!
Congratulations Sheila !!! Good for you for being committed to your own self-esteem 🙂 Whoo-hoo 🙂
Fantastic news, Shelia….
You’ve helped through some rough times NML so I know from first hand experience how lucky Sheila, and all of us are, to have you. The No Contact rule works. I also have first hand experience. Stick to it girls. It may save your life!
Thanks everyone for your comments. Astelle, sorry that I forgot to answer your question. I will post the excerpt from the book. Unfortunately control is not a one way street in this relationship – both parties are guilty of it, it’s just that one tends to be more successful than the other.
Thanks NML, I didn’t realize control is not a one way street, something else for you to teach me. Can’t wait for your other books to come out.
You are wonderful, Thank you.
I have been wanting to contact a friend of his and cray on her shoulder. She is very wise and knows him very well, and would be able to understand what I am going through. Also she might be able to help me figure out how to navigate the nightclubs and bands scene – he and I shared a lot of live music in common. But I also know that it is me sneaking around, snooping to see if he’s as miserable as me. (NML “Who cares?”) Or maybe she could broker a reconciliation. (NML “Why on earth would you want to reconcile with an assclown?”)
Also I keep pulling up his MySpace page. He hasn’t logged in since we broke up. (NML “It will get a lot easier when you decide to stop torturing yourself.”)
I’m 14 days into NC and still in a huge amount of grief and loss.
I wanted to bump this topic to the top again.
Regina, why do you want to reconcile with him? What would be different? Stop the snooping, stick with NC and you will feel better, give it time.
Regina, Please resist the urge to contact his friend. A friend of his is not a friend of yours during this time. Also, stop looking on his MySpace page! (I know how hard it is believe me). The less information you have about him right now the better it will be for you, and I think you know that already. It is normal to be in a state of grief right now. Just feel it and go through the grieving. Think of him as being dead to you right now. Any information you get about him will set you back; and any contact you have with him will set you back even further and make things so much worse. Hang in there!
Astelle, because I am not so sure we did the right thing by breaking up. Because we spent six years together and it was mostly really really good. Because we broke up solely on the basis of this book and website and it was very sudden and we didn’t even see a counselor or anything. Because I’m not sure if he is EUM or has just developed stress related depression in the past two years. Because we got along so well and enjoyed each other’s company and did so many really cool things together. He was my best friend. I guess that’s why. Give it time, okay.
Carm and Astelle, how long did it take NC to start working for y’all? I used to be a heavy smoker and I quit, but this is much harder, the love withdrawal/detox.
ReginaToxicodendronDiversilobum, That is a tough one.
Do you respect yourself, that you evaluated your then-situation and your goals, and determined that continuing your relationship with him was harmful for you – or do you doubt?
Two years is a long time to leave a weakness in your relationship unhealed. If you cannot heal within the relationship, you may need to heal yourself, outside the relationship. Neither of you were part of resolving the problems, which implies you each have some healing to do and some choices to make about your lives.
How you spent the last two years, or last six years, doesn’t matter nearly as much as the likelihood you will be unharmed and content and satisfied and joyful tomorrow.
If you can rationally explain him to your parents, or five trusted friends, and they agree that he is of good character, healthy, and a responsible individual, then possibly you made a mistake in leaving. Apologize to him, knowing he may never forgive you, even if you start a new relationship together.
But if you can’t explain to your parents, if you don’t have the trusted friends – consider why you are so isolated, whether you are scrambling for a refuge rather than building a family. If they hesitate to find him a good prospect, consider why you would pick someone less than remarkable.
Second thoughts, desires to keep the comforts we once knew, are all to common. Consider carefully whether he is, today, the man you would want to enrich the rest of your life, before trying to start a new relationship with him.
And keep in mind – you were unhappy enough to leave once. The last thing you want is to resume that unhappy point in your life. He won’t change – so anything that might happen to better things will be what you choose to do. Respect yourself, and honor and respect all others.
Blessed be!
Regina,
I read a post of yours on spotting EU men describing your ex’s early warning signs of EU behavior. Maybe you should re-read it also, because you describe some pretty serious red flags early on in the relationship that he displayed that most definately indicate he is and always has been EU. Don’t doubt yourself that you did the right thing by breaking up. I also doubted myself and thought I made a mistake after breaking up with one of my former EU’s and I had a knee-jerk panic reaction. I felt I had made a terrible mistake by breaking up, and I contacted him and we got back together. It was a huge mistake, because things just went downhill again and I wasted more time, and also lost some pride.
Just feel the pain of NC, and focus on, and even write down, the bad things about the relationship, not the good ones. Relationships with EU’s do have good times, but you can’t let that overshadow what was fundamentally wrong. For me, after about 6 weeks of NC with my last EU, things got easier, I felt better, and I could see things more objectively. I could see it was really a mistake and I was just wasting time in the relationship with someone who could not go foward.
Regina, my pathetic story dragged on for over 3 years. I was just divorced for 2 years after an 18 year marriage (looking back he is also an EUM who controlled and manipulated me). I met this guy and thought wow, what a nice man. We spent a lot of time together, he called me 3-4 times a day (Yes, control) and I started to notice we got together on HIS time and terms. He was sooooo busy! After 2 months I had family here for a visit from Europe, I am originally from Europe but live in the States now. I told my cousin about him and said, not sure, something doesn’t seem right with him. She said, drop him right now, your gut is warning you and I had planned to break it off the next morning and DIDN’T.
So, my own inflicted nightmare started. A few months later he was suppose to meet some of my friends and made excuses not to come. I didn’t call him – he expected me to call – and he didn’t call me. After a while stupid me emailed him and asked if this was his way of breaking up with me by dumping me for the weekend. He wrote me such an arrogant reply and insisted that he had no intention to break up with me (of course not, never did and never will). So, we e-mailed a few months back and forth but it seemed that I had to invite him in order to see him, basically I chased this man! We got back “together†again for a few months and he pulled the next disappearing act, I e-mailed a few more times and then I stopped.
There was no break up, yelling, telling him off or anything like that; I am not the type to do that anyway. I tolerate way too much but when I am done, I am really done.
Shortly after that I found NML’s Website and spent a whole weekend reading and it took me a while to figure out that I can e-mail NML. So I did and she gave me the best advice I have ever received. Of course I had more questions and she answered them all for me.
I wasn’t worried that I would make contact with him again – I was so embarrassed about the whole thing and I could never ever look at this man again.
So, I say, took me about 8 months to feel completely free, one day it will just happen.
I have been on a few dates with men, have not found the right one yet, but I am confident I will. I think that I know enough red flags to avoid these men. I agree with Brad, if you can’t explain him to friends (my parents are not alive anymore) you know something is wrong with him. My friends told me: “You have a user on your hands”
without meeting him.
Where can I read your story? Can you copy and paste it here?
Carm, Brad and Astelle, thanks. Obviously I was having a weak moment.
Carm, thanks for calling me out. Yeah, I was having a strong moment then when I wrote that list.
Brad, actually my friends and family all love the dude. My mom actually said six years is a lot invested, don’t push him! They have also mentioned my age a number of times, as in maybe I shouldn’t be so picky. He wrote them a nice good bye email, about how he’ll miss them and me and how wonderful I am and all, so they still think he is a nice guy, which he is, sigh. I think it is possible to be a nice guy (or a nice gal) and still be EUM. Yeah, nice and oblivious.
Astelle, which story are you asking about?
Again, thanks, and I especially appreciate the folks who have been though this returning here to help those of us who are just now climbing out of the mud pit.
Okay, friends, I have stopped looking at him on MySpace. One question, I will want to unfriend him, right? That way if I post a bulletin or anything, it will not end up in his inbox. I may wait a few more days to do that, just to avoid the temptation to snoop.
Regina, I don’t know what your story is with this guy, besides being with him for 6 years. Did you see him a lot during that time, did he pull disapperaing acts, did you live with him?
Yes, you should unfriend him and stop snooping.
I hate myspace. 🙂
Hi Astelle, we did see each other a lot, but never cohabitated. To everyone else, we were great together, and we really did have wonderful times, adventures, lots of love too. His EUM managing-down my expectations began about two/three years ago when I started wanting to move in together. The EUM behaviors were implemented *very* gradually. Gradually emailed and phoned less, gradually wanted more and more “alone time,” gradually stopped coming to see me at work, gradually stopped coming to my house to spend time together, gradually stopped telling me how wonderful I was, gradually stopped asking me out to shows and dinners, gradually began breaking dates and promises. I continued to blow hot, coming up with fun stuff to do, making fabulous dinners, keeping conversation alive, etc. Then he had the audacity to tell me that our relationship seemed to have become routine and there wasn’t much passion in it anymore!
On another posting I compared it to the tale about how if you put a frog into a pot of cold water and gradually start heating it, the frog doesn’t notice the temperature change and soon enough you have boiled the frog and it never jumped out of the pot! Being with the Long-Term Operator EUM, as I call mine, is like that but opposite. You are lucky to get out of the pot before it freezes over!
Although we had a long term relationship that blew hot for the first four of the six years, I had plenty of red flags that were raised in the first 3 months of knowing him. I ignored:
1) Very quiet on first date. First several dates.
2) Leaves after you have sex, won’t stay the night.
3) Disappears for days after the first or second sexual experience.
4) Separated but not divorced.
5) He has been in a number of long term relationships with little time single. (serial monogamist.)
5) Some kind of tragedy in the context of his previous relationships (mine had lost a baby with his ex-wife).
6) His ex is not over him, she’s still in love with him.
7) He has been financially hurt by a woman, or in the context of a relationship (mine lost his pants in the sale of their house).
8) He has been cheated on by a previous woman.
9) Alcoholism in the family.
10) Father described as being very remote.
11) He says he is not into a serious relationship.
12) He wants to date other women to keep things non-committal.
13) He says he doesn’t believe that love and relationships last.
…and there were other things of course. For like the past year I had been breaking up with him in my head, getting angry about his lack of emotional presence and how lonely I felt. Heh heh, then I would get my period and know I was just hormonal.
The breaking point came when he said he wanted to move out of his apartment (the place we spent most of our time together) and be homeless for awhile, sofa-surf with friends, etc. Then he could save money on rent and eventually afford a down payment on a condo so he would have housing security and an investment to liquidate in his old age. I was like DUDE!!! You just wrote a short term, mid term and long term life story that does not include me!
We broke up by mutual agreement. I had finished “Mr. Unavailable and the Fallback Girl” and he was about halfway through. He admitted that he had many of the EUM signature traits. We even had a parting ritual (see my blog, it was really quite beautiful, tears shed together, and VERY final, intentional and effective.) and I have been NC ever since. Day 17 now and feeling like I have gotten past the worst of it. This site, and counseling have been lifesavers, or at least mindsavers.
Thanks for asking, Astelle. It sounds like you have a much more remote relationship with your EUM, tho they did have a very similar set of emotional wounds.
Again, sorry about the stupid emoticon for the #8. Don’t know why that is happening.
I am not healed. My partner of 10 years broke up with me 2 months ago. We are still talking weekly. Here I am, all the while hoping something will change. Idiot. I just don’t know how to let go of the man I love and have been with for 10 years, how do I not talk to him or see him at all? How do I stop hoping he will change his mind? I suggested we try counselling, but he said he didn’t want to fall back together with counselling without knowing why part of him wanted it. He wants to see if we can be friends. After 10 years, we have a large group of mutual friends. Does he just not want to be the bad guy? Realistically, if he thought there was a chance for us, he would have stayed and tried, correct?
Rahn, every breakup is tough. Our bodies and our hearts and our emotions each bond to those we consider “close” in their own ways. When we lose the regular presence, the pheromones and scents, the communication with someone, we grieve. No matter if we break things off, or fate intervenes – or they are scruffy and unruly and unlovable by others, no matter if we are better off without them – we still grieve. The hurt, the denial, the anger, the loss – we all have to get through this.
When the relationship ends, but you try to forge a non-intimate friendship or working relation – that is tough again.
When the relationship is dysfunctional, when one or both are emotionally unavailable, socially undisciplined or morally challenged, then each contact often re-ignites the turmoil, the hurt, and the drama of the relationship and of the end of the relationship.
After two months, I suspect that there are some issues that you have with relationships, with your self image. I would start there, and try to find a balance and stability. That will likely mean shutting him out of sight and sound, no communication, no chance meetings, no joint events or projects. No contact. If you come to realize there were character issues involved in your relationship, the No Contact may be quite permanent.
When seeing him, talking with him is unsettling for you, you need to take control of your safety and happiness – and protect yourself.
Luck!
Rahn, Brad is right, you need to not have contact with him, at least not for a while, I can’t say forever since I don’t know your story.
10 years is a long time and it will take time for you to heal, but this will be difficult if you stay in touch with him or see him.
Don’t hold on to the “friendship offer”, he may just have said that so he won’t look so bad. Refusing the counselling also tells me that he doesn’t see a chance. So, you have to work on yourself to get over this.
You say that you are talking weekly? May I ask who initiates that weekly call?
He called it a separation, rather than just a ‘break’, because he said there was no guarantee of getting back together. To me, 10 years deserves trying to fix things before separating. But he didn’t. He said part of him wanted to stay together, but he didn’t know why. was it that we belong together, that he didn’t want me to hurt, or that he felt a void – was it me or did he just need that void of not having a partner to be filled.
I cannot imagine not having this man in my life. Well it’s not always weekly. He sends ‘friendly’ emails to me at work. Last time I saw him at our house – he said he was going to work so I went over to keep packing and we talked a little. I asked if he wanted to keep communicating or just leave it and he said keep communicating. If there is any chance for being together again, couldn’t it only come from staying friends? But how do I lose hope and accept that? How do I just see him as a friend who no longer loves me?
After 10 years, you either want to try and repair things or you want out….that should be all I need to know. If he loved me he would have stayed.
A bit of clarification on counselling. We did go, but his intention was to make sure we both had the support we needed, not to see if we could reconcile. He said last night that it did help a little.
Rahn, are you two married? I am asking because you said he called it a separation, not a “break”. Yes, I agree, 10 years is a long time and it should deserve trying to be fixed – but – both of you need to want it and I don’t feel that he wants to try at this time.
No, I don’t agree that the chance to get back together is by staying friends, you can’t see him as a friend, because you have more feelings for him then he does for you.
Don’t want to be rude, could there be another woman involved?
We are not married. We live together. There is not another woman, as far as I know. But I don’t know.
I think it is two things. The relationship as it was, which needed repair. And the future-what he wants from it.
We broke up for two months a long long time ago, but it was clear that it was a break, rather than a break up. We weren’t together, but we hadn’t broken up. This was probably year 3 of the relationship. We remained friends and saw each other weekly, had a good time, and one night I went to him and we reconciled. This is different. We live together, renting. I have moved out.
We have talked way more since the break up about our relationship than we have in a long long time. That’s why I wanted to keep talking about it, but at what point do you stop?
Reason that I asked if there is another woman, because I have seen it over and over that a man leaves one relationship to go to somebody else. What does he want from the future? When you broke up before, you went to him and reconciled, why was he willing to reconcile at that time?
You know, it sounds really harsh and it is tough to accept that a man doesn’t want you anymore, no matter what the reasons are, been there, done that.
I know that you want to keep talking about your relationship with him and good question, when do you stop, I say right now for now!
Actions speak louder than words and if you have to do all the work and talking to keep this relationship going, it may be time to stop right now.
I am still not clear on who initiates these talks? It is hard for me to imagine that he initiates these kind of talks about the relationship or contacts. I understand his “friendly” e-mails, because you asked him if he wanted to keep communicating and he said yes, but what else was he suppose to say to you at that moment face to face?
I say, step back, focus on yourself and see what he does, I am not saying WAIT on him, you can’t force anything, leave him alone for now, I feel he is done and his actions show it.
I know it hurts
The talks have been initiated by both, but mostly me. he said he is happy to keep talking if it is productive. ie, not rehashing stuff we have already talked about. fair enough. the more we talk, the more we are understanding incidences etc, but I think it has to come from him. Do I implement the no contact rule, or do i simply not contact him and make a judgement on seeing/talking to him if he contacts me? This is someone I have loved for 10 years…how do I stop seeing him, talking to him, thinking about him. It’s just so hard.
He didn’t want the relationship we had – he said change had to happen and this was progress. I agree change had to happen, but I didn’t think ending it was the only option. But to him it is. Ending it and being friends and maybe it will happen again for us, maybe not.
10 years is a lot to let go of. I feel like if we are meant to be together, we would stay together. But I have seen one couple I know break up for two years and get back together…very rare, but possible.
Letting go is hard, but I love him, I want him to be happy, so I have to.
He has said he has noticed a lot of changes in me (I’m getting fit, eating well, going out, my attitude is more positive, etc). He said he hasn’t progressed as he thought he would. He thought he would jump at a new job opportunity interstate, but didn’t take it. He’s only just starting to cook meals at home for himself. I think he’s a bit stuck, not knowing how to move forward himself. He said he went somewhere that we would have gone together and felt a void, he said he didn’t enjoy it as much because i wasn’t there. He said sometimes he does miss me, but he’s keeping busy. But that means nothing if he isn’t moving towards me.
Rahn, I really don’t feel that that you should implement the no contact rule on him, but you should step back, be not so available to him, either by phone, e-mail or seeing him. I feel he made his choice of not being with you and actions speak louder than words. Try – I know it is hard after 10 years – to make this about you not him. You need to feel better and I think if you keep distance from him it will help.
Don’t let this man keep you on the back burner until he figures out what he wants. Yeah, I feel it, he is going to places without without you and he feels a void, he may be stuck, but don’t read too much into it, he offers – in my opinion – way too much information about himself, like just now starting to cook for himself, that job interstate that he didn’t take, sounds like a man that doesn’t know what he want?. I don’t believe it and I hope you don’t either.
He misses you but he keeps busy? That should really pi** you off, he is the victim in all of that?
Step back and take care of yourself and don’t be shocked that he is with somebody else, not saying it to hurt you, but my gut says, yeah, how do I get out of this to be with her..
thanks. i know you’re not saying it to hurt. it is of course a possibility. i wonder if i should ask him. it obviously wouldn’t change the situation! but it might help me move on.
Actually I did ask if there was someone else and he said no. What I didn’t ask was if he was ending this relationship to start one with someone he has in mind. And sometimes his answers are ambiguous so…
Either way it doesn’t matter. What’s done is done and right now this is not what he wants. At counselling he said he wouldn’t rule it out of ever happening again. Perhaps he said that just to appear nice.
Rahn, don’t ask him, it will not help you to move on, it will only hurt you more.
Could I hurt more right now?
No he is not the victim. I guess I wanted him to talk, and now that he is starting to, I have to listen to what he says. Perhaps he feels guilty. I feel sick at the thought that it is over. I have avoided moving stuff out of the house ‘just in case’, but that isn’t going to happen. Looking at what we have, most of the furniture and contents are mine. He will be left with an empty house. But it has to be done. This is what he wants after all. I have already moved my clothes, my cat to my parents till I decide where to live.
Will I ever get over it if I don’t say no contact? Do I think there is still a chance for us? Doesn’t everyone at this stage? Especially if there is ambiguity. Maybe down the track, I don’t know. But for now there isn’t. I think he wants to see if we can be friends, as we have a big group of friends and it has already affected things there, because if we can’t, there is no possibility of being more in his eyes. Trouble is, until 2 months before the break up, we were friends. We went o/s for a month and had a great time, but there were some unresolved issues. But he said some days felt like, yes, this is how it is meant to be!
Rahn,
You are in a tough place. What do you want of your life? I realize that what you know has been living with him, and there is comfort in what you know and fear about the unknown.
So, if you accept that what went before is gone, that you will never again enjoy the relationship that you had – what do you want?
Are you able to accept that *you don’t know who this guy is* and learn to make a relationship with him ? See, there is no going back, not now. Any issues that were between you are still there – the old relationship wasn’t working for *both* of you, so it isn’t something to wish for by *either* of you. That means the choice is between the fear of being alone, and maybe finding another partner some day, or the fear of finding a relationship that *might* work with this guy that you now know that you *don’t* know?
Do you know, and like, and respect yourself enough right now to choose?
The Tarot Major Arcana card #13 is the “death” card. It signifies the ending of the old life, to make way for a new life. The Lightning Struck Tower shows a figure blown from the tower, it signifies how devastating change can be in relation to what has gone before – with no understanding or comfort available about what will follow. You may see yourself in this kind of position. Your relationship, your way of life came to an end, kind of, a couple of months ago. And you aren’t ready to relegate the memories and the accomplishments and treasures of that time to the past.
But this is a time of beginnings. If you aren’t ready to begin a relationship, then that lets you know what the right thing is for you, right now. If you are ready, and you, today, respect this guy’s character, his honor and integrity, then start over with him. If you have questions about his suitability, take time and make the effort to answer any questions before deciding.
You still have to grieve the loss of your old relationship. You need to deal with and accept the anger and denial and rage and hurt about it’s ending. Because until you finish grieving, that shadow of past hurt will cloud today and tomorrow. Counseling here, for dealing with the ending, might be very productive for you. An experienced grief counselor can help you deal with painful issues instead of avoiding them, and also help discover underlying issues that might be difficult to uncover.
Peace.
Thanks. I know I have to accept it and move on. I was clinging to anything he said that may indicate there is hope. I am looking at myself, believe me.
Trouble is I am thinking about him and our relationship most of the time. I need to cut that out. To start fresh in any sort of relationship with him means letting go of it all. Whether that leads us back together or not is another thing. I have to focus on myself right now.
We have been talking about the issues. We know what they are. The question is do we both love each other and want to create a new, vibrant relationship together. I do. At the moment, he doesn’t, and may never want to. He said he wouldn’t rule it out never happening again.
Rahn,
Forget for a moment that you know this guy, that you have felt comfortable with him.
Do you respect him as a man? Is he disciplined? Is he good with kids and small animals – do they respond well and behave respectfully, do they improve and grow under his care?
Is he honest, is he slow to accept obligations and quick to meet responsibilities?
Does he enjoy good emotional bonds with his family and friends? Is he respected at work, and does he enjoy the people he works with and works for? (Part of this one is integrity – is he willing to change jobs to find a place and coworkers he is willing and able to support?)
Do you have five trusted friends? Do they respect him?
You should be sure of all of this, when choosing to take a man into your life.
And now, after all of that – Home is a secure place where you can depend on being cared for and secure. Does he want to make a home with you? If the answer isn’t a simple, “yes”, you have to respect his needs – and accept that you are not now in a relationship, and you aren’t just starting a relationship.
Don’t wait to see if something changes. Part of being in a relationship is the physical way our bodies interact – shared breathes, the effects of communication, the way we alter our expectations and actions to accommodate loved ones – that all starts coming apart during absences. If he can’t be in a relationship with you, then you need to focus on healing, on grieving, and moving on with your life.
Peace.
I respect him very much and even more now that he is looking at himself, at his life – that takes courage. He is becoming disciplined with his fitness, he is making small steps in other areas. He is fantastic with children and animals-yes they improve and grow under his care, but we don’t have our own children, but he has had animals in the past and we have a cat.
Obligation? Well he didn’t propose in 10 years! But I wouldn’t see that as an obligation, although he has felt the pressure over the last year or so by others, not me. He is honest. He is respected by friends and peers. He is struggling to change jobs and it is not for lack of talent, lack of direction perhaps. He is very close with his family and makes a big effort to see friends. He doesn’t have the emotional connection with friends. He hasn’t spoken about this to anyone, only recently to one person.
My friends respect him. We did have a home together that we enjoyed being in. He is still living there.
Is he perfect, by no means.
Rahn,
What are the issues???
We have been talking about communication issues, a lot of it comes down to that. There has been a decline in affection, which we have both attributed to this. Not being able to say what we want and need. I thought counselling would help us a great deal in this respect, to get the issues out and work on developing those skills. It is never too late in my opinion, not if there is love. Life became very busy for us. I wanted ‘just us time’ but wasn’t asking for it effectively. We were spending lots of time hanging out with friends. We both wanted to fall in love again, but didn’t say it effectively. And now it is too late for some reason.
I’m sorry.
It sounds like you have made quite an effort to restore the relationship but he is stuck and unwilling to make any positive changes. He doesn’t sound like an EUM, maybe a bit more commitment phobic?
Have you considered cutting him out of your life completely? He will not know how important you are if you are available him. I recommend strict NC, this will force him into a decision.
I have considered it, and people have recommended it, for a period of time at least. i have heard so many differing opinions..
I think the best I can do is not cut him off completely, but not be the one to make contact with him. I’ll move all my stuff and furniture out, move back with my folks till I’ve paid off some debt, sort my shit out and focus on me. Doesn’t mean I don’t love him or want to be with him.
The hardest thing will be seeing each other at mutual events-after 10 years, we have many mutual friends, especially if he brings someone. Hopefully there will be enough time between now and then for me to take my focus off of him and onto me.
A big test of whether we could ever be together again is whether we can be friends. How do you go back to that though? If I love him, I should be able to let him go, because I want him to be happy. If he loved me, wouldn’t he have stayed and tried?
Maybe what he needs is time to sort his life out. Maybe he will, maybe he wont. I didn’t want to let go without trying everything I could, but honestly, nothing has worked so far. He has seen and acknowledged that I love him.
I understand the ‘availability’ thing. If I am always available, there isn’t a sense of loss. There is also the risk of never seeing the man i love again.
but why love someone who doesn’t want to be with me?
The main purpose for NC is healing. By staying in contact with this man it is only prolonging the pain and preventing you from moving to a better place.
Wouldn’t it be more painful to continue to see the man you love, especially if he has a new partner? I tried to do the whole friend thing. It was so painful to be with and talk to a man I loved and to know that he was incapable of incorporating me into his life. When you put yourself in this position you are setting yourself up for misery.
Once again I don’t recommend one using NC to get someone back but I can guarantee that if you continue contact you will end up friendzoned.
I know. Neither option is easy.
He said part of him wanted to stay together, but he wanted to know why. was it that we belonged together, that he didn’t want me to hurt, or that without me in his life there was a void and he wanted it filled…
The only option I see is NC.
Please don’t wait around for him to make up his mind, you need to try to move on with your life. Trust me, you will become very resentful by allowing him to decide if he WANTS you in his life. Don’t you want someone who know and appreciates how special you are??
One more question. What do you have to lose by going NC?
his friendship, a possibility of any chance together again I guess.
You’re still in love with the man, you need to be honest with yourself, this is not about maintaining the friendship but about getting him back?? If it were about a friendship, it is recommended at least six-months NC. In your case I would recommend a year.
Rahn, if he wants to get back with you he will but it won’t be maintaining contact with him. If he loves you he will come back, not by you sticking around waiting for him to make up his mind. Why are you rewarding him for leaving the relationship?
I know I’m being harsh but I hope you will see it is coming from a good place. I would hate for you to become the fallback girl by being available to someone who cannot make up his mind.
I wish you the best.
I know. It’s been 2 months, I am resolved to moving on. To packing up my things, my furniture, getting out and getting on with things. If he can’t see how wonderful I am and that I am not worth letting go of, so be it.
I am in a better place than I was 2 months ago, 1 month ago, so it is going to get better and easier. The tears are less, the hope is hard to let go of.
I know all the advice comes from a good place, from people with more experience than I, I am sure.
When things are new it’s hard to see things clearly, unfortunately we are motivated by our heart.
Just remember, you have nothing to gain by staying in contact, only much to lose.
Perhaps down the track we can be friends.
I hope so. Give it at least a year, you were together a long time.
Hey you all,
Great posts by the way.
Rahn, please, either get over it, or stop bothering us with it.
BOTTOM LINE. PERIOD! Sorry to be so hard. I guess I think it is time for everyone to MOVE ON. Period. Peace.
ouch. point taken. sorry for bothering you.
No Rahn,
No, not meant to be mean. Not meant for you to say OUCH. Only meant for you to get a handle on your own situation. Be strong, don’t ever give up, you are the best it can be, believe it!!. You go girl, even if it means by yourself, in the long run. You will be OK, believe it!!!
I do. You are fine.
Rahn, you are not bothering us, most of us in here are struggling to get over it with each other’s support or else I don’t know why they’re here.
I’m also recent out of a long term relationship with someone who had a hard time deciding he didn’t want to work on it. It’s been 2 1/2 months of NC and no I’m not over it either, no feeling person would be. I’m still in love with the ex EUM too, but I know eventually that will go away, but only with NC, and that will work for you too.
It is much better for us to come here to whine to each other instead of calling *him* up for another round of broken promises and rejection. That will help all of us move on much quicker/more completely in the long run.
I have also lost a lot of mutual friends who turned out to be *his* friends. I have just had to accept that I have to back off of a lot of social engagements where he is likely to be present. I am now cultivating the friendships in our non-intersection areas, and that has been turning out really well, and I bet it will for you, too.
In fact, how to deal with mutual friends and social situations post-breakup would be a good post, Natalie!
Take care, Rahn, lots of hot baths for you dear!
Good Luck to you all!
I have been there, done that. Yes, it is painful. But, do you really want to spend so much time wondering why??? Believe me, it is not worth the effort. Take care girls, I hope you truly do find yourself out of this emotional jungle. Best to you all.
Sorry to be such a downer.
I have never cut costs!
You are all great.We all just need to move on.
Take care girls, in the New Year. We will all be fine.
Only go forward, that is the direction that makes the most sense right now.
Yes, take care of yourself and yourself only.
I truly hope you found this.
Thanks guys. I guess it’s also harder because I moved out and am staying with family. Aside from the hurt from this, nowhere feels like home.
Rahn, a bit of explanation here. According to Deborah Harris’ book, “You just don’t understand”, men and women communicate differently. Tell a woman about a problem, and her typical response is emotional validation. “I know that feels terrible”. Tell a man a problem, “The car stopped on my on my way home, and I was so scared.” And he will want to fix it. “Did the engine cough or sputter?”
Baggage Reclaim attempts to address concrete problems – dealing with esteem issues, recognie how we might make the same bad choice again and again, with how to heal and find guidance toward a joyful, peaceful, and secure life. Much of the journey is in personal values and dealing with emotional obstacles and distractions.
When someone asks, “but how do I stop wanting something that I know isn’t good for me?”, usually the question is about which parts of the wanting are signs of weakness or evil or morbid. (I think: None. Ymmv.) Much of the change needed is one of perspective, perhaps a little bit of a change in values. (Look for character and respect; *Avoid* the slick lines, the easily-intimate encounters, the beer commercial lookalikes. Ahem. It”s a guy thing, offering solutions. YMMV.)
Guys don’t deal much with emotions, usually. Early training in sports, in courtesy, in family life tends to emphasize warrior-like stoicism and self-reliance. Those that aren’t told to “get over it” or “suck it up” are seldom given a chance to learn how to understand or express their feelings, or relate to others. This has a lot of implications, including how guys tend to get offended when you find their solution unwelcome or that they missed the point. And once you brush off their solution, they are likely to lose interest in the topic – if you don’t want their help, they get on with their day.
TS offered a solution. Not a complaint about airing your situation, not a criticism of trying to understand what is happening in your life – but a solution to the problem. And I think “Move on” misses the point. Much of the focus here at Baggage Reclaim is on understanding the mistakes of past relationships and learning a new way of looking at ourselves and our lives. We don’t want to be drawn to the type of people that caused us problems. We need to recognize early on when things go awry.
When a relationship ends there is a period of grieving. Just as there are daily routine, emotional, and physical aspects of bonding when a relationship starts, those bonds are loosened at the end. The process of grieving is complex, it takes time, and it happens to our bodies, and our emotions, and our spirit. And all this aside from anger and hurt at the bozo that wasn’t the mate that we wished him to be, or that he claimed to be.
Change is always scary, and always hurts. There are times when the benefits are everything they are made out to be, when the change itself is almost lost in excitement. Other times, the change is pretty daunting.
Any getting over it, any moving on that you might do, will almost surely come before you feel ready. If you decide to try again with your partner, that will happen, too, probably before you really feel ready. But taking control of changes, of your life and your future, are immensely empowering. It is better for us to stand, later, and say, “I am where I am now, because I chose to be here.”
Was TS wrong? I don’t know. Was it expressed in a different type of communication that what had been going on before? Yes, I think so.
If TS were correct, that you are sitting on a fence just dithering about which way to jump (I am not comfortable making that assumption), then you would expect, at some point, to get tired of sitting there. Should you jump when that moment arrives, and you realize you are tired of waiting to choose – or should you jump as soon as you notice you are waiting to make a choice?
Are you dithering about making a choice, or still trying to understand what happened, what you want, and what the choices will mean to you? Are you stuck, struggling, or already well on your way? Making a choice right now might be the right thing to do – but it might not be the right time. Maybe. It is your place to choose.
Luck!
Roughly 2 months ago my partner of 10 yrs. broke up with me, too. She said she wanted to date other women, and basically just be free. I was given no warning, for she kept telling me that things are fine and I should trust her and blah, blah, blah. All of it lies. Well, it has been very difficult, but I believe the worst is over. All I wanted from her at the end was an explanation as to why she has turned against me 100000%. I mean, I was as loyal and true to her as one can get, and very much looking forward to the future. She had coaxed me into going back to school, and with her reassurances I signed up. Give or take a day or so, right after I committed to school and all that that entails, she told me she was happy I enrolled and it will be good for me, but now I have to pack my stuff and get out asap. Eventually I was kicked out with no where to go and no money and yadayada, with some help from others, found a place to live, and its been like that ever since. I am doing really good in school, and am still working at my other job. I have met a few nice people, but I am just not ready to get involved in any way right now. The trust factor is ” O. “One thing for sure, I know that I will NEVER EVER have any thing to do with her again. Cancel my subscription, I am over her issues!!!!! I don’t hate her, but I really didn’t know her at all. Never did I think she would do me this way. The rosecolored glasses are off permanently now. I grew up real fast and learned a lot about myself, her, people in general. I am wiser and my best advice to anyone who goes through something like this is, if and when you are ready to fall in love again, don’t make the fatal mistake of giving all of yourself to them. Hold back some of your emotions, feelings, fears. hopes, desires, secrets, etc…Maintain your own identity. Always love and respect yourself.
Teri,
I’m sorry. That’s a really horrible way to end things. I’m sure she got nasty b/c she knew what he was doing was wrong; so surprising to come from someone you’ve been with for 10 years.
I am in complete agreement with maintaining the identity. All the best to you, and if you want to dump you know where to come
I hope you are ok Teri,
It sucks. I know. It’s hard to know how much to give in the next relationship, but doesn’t the next person deserve 100%? I’m not saying lose yourself or who you are, but realise they are not to blame and carrying hurt from your previous relationship into the next could be damaging. Of course maintain your own identity. I didn’t and I am suffering, but I will be ok. Hard lessons to learn. Maintain your identity and if things do end, you have a full life anyway, so it won’t be so hard.
Best of luck.
Rahn
Hi – Happy New Year! I’ve haven’t written in a while. I cut contact with my ex-EUM about a month ago. If anyone recognizes my name from previous posts, I’ve been a yo-yo fallback girl with this one guy for about 2 years. He lost his job (we worked together) a few months ago. Not having him on my floor in my office every day helps me immensely in maintaining no contact.
When I removed him as a friend on facebook he made a couple feeble attempts at contacting me. I didn’t respond to his voicemail or email. I deleted his number. He hasn’t been in contact in over a month.
I’m taking a break from men, as NML has suggested, for two months. Honestly, I feel like I am always on a break from men because nothing seems to work out. But – I guess I have never been on a true break without an EUM in my life in some way. This month has been interesting because I am really trying to figure out why I am drawn to two or three distinct types of men that are ultimately unavailable to me. While they differ in type – all three share the similar quality that they are not good choices for mates.
My therapist has a theory about why I focus my efforts or attentions on these guys. She thinks I am scared of being in a “real relationship”. That if I was in a real relationship and it didn’t work out – that would really hurt. So by focusing my efforts on a guy that isn’t a realistic or good choice – when that doesn’t work out, it is disappointing but not devastating.
There could be something to that.
However, what I have noticed lately is that I am not drawn in the same way to the types of guys I used to pick. I used to be drawn to men about 10 years younger than me. I think that was because they used to make me feel really good. I do think in the past I didn’t feel good about myself so I was drawn to them because they helped validate me.
But when it came down to it, my dealings with these guys was not something off of which to base a romantic relationship with potential.
My dating hiatus is now about me and feeling good about myself and my life. I’m really happy with where I am. The friends and people in my life are all a positive force. Over the past six weeks or so, I’ve been very “on” and focused at work. The increase in confidence that gives me is amazing. I’ve been focused on getting into shape and eating healthily.
I’ve found it to be really great to look within for my sense of happiness and validation. I’ve noticed that as I began to get happier and more grounded, that I began attracting more positive people in my life.
And – tying it back to being attracted to EUMs – I am not attracted to them anymore. And my attraction to younger men to get an ego stroke – that’s not needed anymore. Obviously the guys that are younger that are my friends are still my friends. But, I’m not harboring some secret crush or fantasy that the friendship may turn romantic.
As for my ex-EUM sometimes I still feel a little nostalgic. But I can’t ever be friends with him. I allowed myself to be treated horribly and for that – I just can’t go back. Had we never dated and had sexual relations, maybe we would have been able to maintain a friendship. What I should have done is ruled out even considering dating him or being interested in him in the very beginning when he showed his true colors. Maybe then, if we had never gone “there” we would have maintained a friendship.
However, when all is said and done – he’s really not the type of person I want to be friends with anyway. He’s funny. I can go see a movie or watch “Family Guy” if I want to laugh.
In the past when I did no contact or took a dating hiatus – I felt empty and sad – like things were never going to get better. It’s different this time. I feel happy, content and complete. I feel like anybody new in my life will just make it better – but – things are really good now.
I do hope I start dating this year – someone available and someone that has potential. For now, though, I am going to be easy on myself and just continue observing my patterns and focusing on me.
This site has been great. I look to it for guidance and strength. I can’t say I am “healed” yet – but I really think I am well on my way.
Cheers.
Ashley it is so lovely yo hear from you. I was actually thinking of you just a few days ago. What is so wonderful about this is that you have realised that adapting your behaviour is key because continuing the same pattern and expecting different results was futile. I am very proud of you and please continue on this path. You come across confident and positive and most of all content. Hugs natalie x
Thanks NML! It’s a great feeling. You sound like you are doing wonderful as well and having fun with your family that is about to get bigger!
I’m doing NC, its working for me but I sort of expected (hoped) he would at least try and make contact, but has not. Is this just another neon sign of his true self? I’m moving on, but it still hurts.
Falling,
Why do you want him to contact you? What kind of result are you hoping to achieve?
Its that validation thing again, I don’t need it, but find myself wanting it. I’m struggling with feeling foolish for my past behavior, I was needy, too accommodating. When I finally called him on some rude behavior he vanished. Glad I said something about the behavior, but the results are not what I expected. Do EUM typically run away from boundaries? Still sorting through waves of emotion, sadness, tears, but gets better daily. Thinking of blocking AC’s phone number, but have a hard time doing it.
Falling,
Block, block, block!!!!!! You know that if you do have contact with him again it will set back to a really bad place.
You said that when you confronted him with his behavior, he bailed. This cannot be what you want in a man. You’re never going to get what you need from an individual like this as he incapable of accepting responsibility and doesn’t seem to care about anyone but himself. His actions say it all!!
I think you need to ask yourself why you need validation from someone who has already show their true colors. He is not available. Go back and reread the article on validation and see if it gives you a little more clarity.
Hi, its Teri, just checking in to let you know what has been going on since last I wrote. School is going really well, 3.7 gpa!!!! and work is going. I need more hours anyway, guess who I saw recently? Like less than 50 ft. away, too. Yep, the meany. We both just looked the other way and that was that. I was amazed that she didn’t even attempt to come over and say something. Maybe she knew nothing would come of it anyway. I mean, right now, NOTHING she says I would believe or probably want to hear. What I would like to know is how the hell do people totally act like they never knew someone when they have so much history. For heavens sake, it wasn’t all bad. It’s like we never existed. An annulment is what it is called in the Catholic religion, right? An old friend of mine who was married for over 25 yrs. was suddenly faced with what she thought was a divorce, painful as that is, but lo and behold, no, it was an anullment. Her asshole ex husband applied for and got it. What the hell? She was a terrific mom and raised 2 great boys. One a doctor the other a pilot turned attorney. What is going on with all that? Well, seeing her the other day brought a lump in my throat, but that was about it. I have no desire to talk to her, I don’t want to know any more than what I know, and she can get the fleas of a 1000camels in her armpits and I don’t care.
Hi, it’s me, Teri, checking in again. Although I am doing better and getting on with my life (however so slowly), I believe I am now in the royally PO stage. I have NO desire to talk to her, see her, or even drive by anywhere she might be, I don’t want ANY explanations or excuses or anything from her. She is a prime example of EVIL. I have been married 2 times to two great guys and have had my fair share of boyfriends. But, when it came to the ONLY female relationship I have ever had, and what I thought was the absolute perfect soul mate for me, ends up being the ONLY person in my entire life who has ever treated me what I thought was the total best, to treating me the absolute worst. I can combine all my relationships and still she is the cruelest, meanest, heartless by a zillion miles. NO ONE has ever done me this way. I will never be the same, thank GOD. I still believe in love, but will never be that stupid again.
Hiya, I guess I am the only only one checking in. It’s ok, in a way it’s like some wierd therapy. Anyway, I found out recently that the evil ex hooked up with a one time mutual friend of ours. She works with her, but the woman wanted to hang with me when she was off, like shopping, crafts, partying, we even talked about starting our own resell shop. Next thing you know, she’s not answering her phone, my girl is suppose to be over there helping with a sick dog, and I never got a chance to talk to her again, because apparently my girl CONVERTED yet another straight chick, her. I had no idea what was going on. And I doubt that her husband, who will be getting out of prison soon, knows either. I heard my ex is upset a lot and cries over her, she’s a player too obviously. How messed up is that? What is wrong with people? I know they have a little in common, like my ex picked up drugs again, and guess who provides it? I wasn’t into that. So darn sad. well, later
Hi Teri, I have not been here in awhile. You might find if you post on other articles that are more active, you get more feedback.
I guess my advice to you is it seems you are fishing in the same pond you found your ex in, I’d try as much as possible to work on those friendships in circles that she is not involved in.
There is no comfortable way to hang out with someone who is dating an ex who you are not *totally* over. So, if it were me I’d tell this woman that you can’t be in that situation, and you are going to get out of the way, and wish them the best, etc. Otherwise you are setting yourself up to be a “wailing wall” for whenever this woman has a trouble with your ex, she can seek you out to complain about it, get your feelings and emotions, and what do you get? Probably some jealousy, regret, and other backwash feelings. Staying connected with your ex in any way impedes your own healing, and any mature adult would understand and respect this boundary.
It sounds like you are totally in a drama zone here, so show yourself some self respect and avoid people with jail terms and sudden orientation conversions. Pay attention to your own life, and all this drama will diminish and become like the annoying buzzing of mosquitos.
Blessings, dear!
ReginaToxicodendronDiversilobum’s last blog post..RITUAL OF HAND-PARTING, DIVORCE OR BREAK UP
Hello,
I am currently engaging in NC with my ex EUM – It’s been 4 weeks, and neither of us has contacted. We were together 2 yrs, but have been breaking up on and off for a year. He ended things, though I should have sooner – maybe that’s why I feel so awful and out of control. Is NC truly going to help me get past this? When will I feel better? I’ve been concentrating on all of the bad, and not romanticizing our relationship. I just wonder how effective NC is, when I’ll I’m doing is obsessing over when or if I will hear from him…
Hi Sarah,
I’m on day 24 of NC. I’m still hurting and obsessing and wondering if I will hear from him. This was the first and only break up we have had so although he fits the profile of an A/C EUM I dont know if he is the type to try to get me to come back to him. If he is as close to being gods gift women as he had always claimed to be then I’m sure he has plenty of other girls willing to put up with his BS. OK and I’m obviously at the bitter stage as well. Anyway, what I can tell you is that although I am still constantly thinking about him it is getting better. I didnt cry today, I havent had those awful dreams where I see him with his new girl, and I dont have that empty feeling in the pit of my stomach. One thing that was getting me more and more upset is how everynight I would look at the phone one last time before going to bed and realize that this was one more day that he didnt try to reach out to me. Well in the last few days although they were gutwrenching I think I am coming to the conclusion that he does not miss me and that he has surly moved on. This acceptance I is where the healing begins. I’m sorry for what you are feeling its horrible. Stay strong and DO NOT CONTACT HIM. Read some of the other posts about people who have broke NC and not one of them had a good out come.
well I had test after 4 weeks of me keeping the NCR, my ex partner sent a text just asking ‘how i was’, I haven’t replied and it was 5 days ago-though have been constantly thinking about replying but know the feeling will pass and I will soon be gald that I kept to the NCR for my own self worth,respect and sanity.
Hello there. I do not know the difference between posting or blogging. I found this site by researching EUM. I believe that I am with an EUM. I have been with him for 10yrs. Very hurtful, frustrating and energy consuming. I like the courage that I have read here and it is all starting to make sense to me. I will tell you that I have had a breakdown this past month and had NC for the last week. I have nver experienced that kind of pain and obsession in my life. I did fall today and broke the NCR. I will probably be back here shortly to try again, which at that time I will go into more details. Thak you for the experience, strenght and hope I have found here.
P.S. I am from the USA, Florida are you women from somewhere else? Just asking because certain phrases are not familiar
Miriam I think a large proportion of the women on this site are from the UK. It’s refreshing to know that all women of all nationalities and ages or cultures are experiencing simillar things with their troubled and troublesome men. It’s comforting.
I cant believe it… I have been reading this site, going to counseling and working myself for the past 5 weeks of NC and then, of course, he texts that he wanted to “talk”. My gut wanted to see what he would say so of course I met him even though my head kept saying “remember what NML says about NC!!!!!” I guess I wanted to see if he had taken any of this time to consider his problem with EU and how it was tearing me and us apart. It is that stupid little glimmer of hope that makes us go back even when his patterns have not changed in the ten years that I have known him!!! UGH. So, we go to dinner and he sits there as if everything should be just normal and dandy and then goes on to say that he is sorry but he doesnt understand why i have to hate him or love him. What the hell? I am hurt, you asshole!!!! I cant bring myself to look him in the eye and he continues to deny the fact that any of the breakup came from his emotional dysfunctions which is very clearly the reason. Finally, i bring up some reasons why I think he is like that and I see a few tears from him, He is human???.. but he very quickly brings the conversation back to casual discussion. Then he decides we should go to get yogurt. What am I thinking. So we walk completely at a distance, sit across from each other not talking and he keeps trying to bring up the fricken small talk. UGH. No responsibility whatsoever. I felt like I was watching an 5 year old across from me who has no awareness of the mess he has made, or does and is completely denying it. Needless to say, i go home feeling like the day he bailed out on me again. Complete rejection, no emotions reciprocated…. sadness. I was doing so good. SO, lesson learned…do not break NC rule, whatever you do. THEY DO NOT CHANGE. On a side note, I handed him a copy of my “Recognizing Emotional Unavailability and Learning to Make Healtier Relationship Choices” book and told him to read it so he could see what he does to everyone he dates.
AssClown? that’s one I haven’t heard before. Fuckwad 🙂
Hi Guys
My story is very very long and complex and without going into to much detail goes like this , I met my ex through a mutual friend and although she lived 300 miles away we decided to give things a go, right from the first day there were strange happenings, she would be on a call to me and then her phone would bleep (close to midnight) and she would cut me off, later she would text me saying it was her sister and she couldnt talk now as it was late, this happened daily, after a few months she started dumping me for silly reasons like i had got annoyed at something she said, i had dared to ask who she was on the phone to at night , i had a differing opinion from here, during the first year i got dumped about 20 times, each time i would text and ring continously until she gave in and said ok well give it another go, a few times when i did the nc rule she would send me a picture message or text and let me know she was at a hotel nearby with work and did i know where to get some food from, knowing i would rush to get her something then cry and boom we were back together, after a year of continous dumpings i had a friend print out her phone bills for the first few months we were together, yes i know it was wrong, but she was saying we should get engaged yet was dumping me every 4 weeks and disappearing for whole nights saying she had taken sleeping tablets and they had knocked her out, basically i found out she had still been in touch with her ex boyfriend on a nightly basis (he has a new girlfriend ) and thats who had been ringing her and both had been careful enough to withold their numbers when they rang each other, i confronted her and she turned it on me saying i had gone behind her back and invaded her privacy just like her dad does and she didnt want to be with me, eventually i forgave her and we got back together again a few months later i found out she had been using her work phone to ring him,, i confronted her again and she said she was sorry and had made a mistake, in the second year i got dumped 2 a month, yes in total in the 32 months we were together i was dumped more than a hundred times, before my birthdays, before christmases , before exams and the she would after begging and begging make up with me , im now in day2 of the NC rule and it does hurt like hell especially the last breakup which was because i had got annoyed she hadnt called me back , she told me she no longer wanted to marry me neither does she love me anymore, when we had met i was in a bit of debt and she had forced me to take 10k of her and pay my debts off, i recently got some redundancy money from work so sent her a cheque for 10k especially ever since then she had made me feel like a con artist and the only reason i stayed in the relationship was to see how much more money i could get out of her, despite never asking for anything always paying when we went out and buying her lovely presents for her birthday despite getting nothing for mine for 2 years because i was dumped, i felt giving her the money back was a big slap on the face like saying here you go you thought so wrong about me, i got a text saying i got your cheques but didnt reply to it, day 2 of NC and i know this is the best thing for me i dont want to be in a rltnshp where my feelings arent receiprocated, in her explanations she believes i was to blame and at fault for every single dumping and cant understand why we are not engaged by now, did she play me ? my mind tells me its so obvious she was still in love with her ex ( and had only broken up with him because he was a different religion and they couldnt get married because neither was willing to convert ) so i think although they decided to remove the term boyfriend/girlfriend everything else stayed the same , love, the calls, meeting up etc maybe even physically , when he moved on and got another girlfriend she thought i can do the same , but why did she stay with me 32 months then if im so bad ? why did she say things like you have qualities ill never find in another man and then dump me again a week later, im sorry guys to ramble on but inside it just hurts so much to put so much into someone and get nothing but hurt back
after a 1 and a half year of relationship , my boyfriend broke up with me … the reason was very small which I spoiled more with my anger and blamed his love a lot…cause i always used to think that he only loves me for sex… he took my virginity away….
by the time he started ignoring me that was just unbearable for me… he started ignoring me just because his family wants him to get married with someone from his family and he just cant go out of the family…
he didn’t care for me at all , he didn’t decide to take any step for me for the sake of our love and just dumped and left me with no big reason…and ended up saying this that he doesn’t love me anymore bye forever..
I have loved him so deeply… we have loved each other a lot in our life.. but for me he was not seems serious for me … he has told me his past affairs.. n he had been flirting a lot… in start he was flirting with me too but by the time when I gave him my love he returned it back … he loved me but he was never willing to get committed cause of his family situation…. i never wanted to be a apart and he says i hate those girls who live in dreams …. he was being too practical …
when he broke up with me , I started non stop text messaging n calls . he got sick of it .. he started threaten me to not call n message him, if i will , he will tell to my family and my respect in the family will ruined….
i love him so much.. i don’t want to lose him at any cost… i just want him back to my life … i cant accept if he get married with another girl…. it was my rite that he should have taken any step for me cause i have given him my virginity… i threaten him n he was a scared punk… he got scared to me…. and now he just doesn’t want to start this relation again…
i sent him message today that i will not contact him n he too ….to start NC rule …. i am starting it from today.. i don’t know if ever he will miss me or love me that much…. but i want to strictly use it for 4 weeks… but at the same time i am scared if he decided to get married with his family girl during my NC …? i am so scared…