Jennifer asks: I have a classic, Natalie! He won’t even commit to a relationship with me. After nearly a year, and several half-hearted attempts on my part to break it off with him, I finally sat him down and told him enough! I was really hurt but relieved.
The next day he called me insisting that he was working on being a better person ( I think this is true, just not with me) and he asked if we could talk in about a month after I’d healed and spent some time away from him. I reluctantly agreed.
He continued to text me and I texted back for a few days then I finally cut contact. This lasted about 2.5 weeks until I ran into him at a party and we chatted. A few days later he began texting how much he missed me and I let him drop by to say hi. This led to spending the day with him and sleeping with him. He said he really wanted to start over, that he wasn’t ready for a relationship but that he would treat me better. Well it isn’t even 48 hours later and he’s back to the same inconsiderate behavior.
I’m sitting here with a huge dinner prepared for him and he may or may not show up. I feel like he’s playing a game to see if he can get back with me whenever he wants. I’m trying to stop blaming myself but because this has happened so many times, I have no one else to blame. I don’t even feel as if I can tell my friends because after the last breakup, I swore up and down that I would never fall for his crap again. I have no idea what to do. This guy really knows how to play the hot/cold game with me and it works. To add to this, I just met a really nice guy who has treated me wonderfully and I’m incredibly suspicious because I’d forgotten what it was like to actually be respected and treated nicely. I’m afraid I’ll be damaged forever if I keep this up.
Should I attempt No Contact again? Should I concentrate on this new guy so that I can build up some dating confidence again, or should I just be alone?
Natalie says: My suggestion is to be alone for a while and sort yourself out. You can not use some poor unsuspecting guy as a buffer for you to practice on because that’s what he would be. You’d just be knee-jerking from one relationship to another and creating a mess, and he’s going to get the crappy end of the stick.
Golden rule of new relationships: Don’t start a new one until you’ve healed from your previous relationship and have emotional baggage of a hand baggage level.
The first guy… is using you and has suckered you into a pattern.
Like all guys like this, he only wants you when he thinks he’s in serious danger of losing you. He is a user and on top of that, he has now stated what his intentions are because he hasn’t changed, he can’t give you a relationship, so he is useless and you are wasting your time. You shouldn’t be sitting at home with his dinner ready for him; you should be cutting him off!
This is not about blaming yourself. This is about taking responsibility for your part in things and realising that you need to take a break from men, get your head sorted, and learn to trust your instincts and your gut.
He is not working on being a better person with you or anyone else, because it didn’t take long for him to disrespect your wishes with texting or that long before you both ended up in the sack.
He hasn’t changed and isn’t working on being better because he still does this bullshit behaviour and then says that he is not able for a relationship. He is a user that doesn’t know what he wants or why he wants it.
It is your responsibility to stop engaging, stop replying to his texts, stop sleeping with him, and stop cooking food with him and behaving like the Good Little Girlfriend. He’s not your boyfriend and you deserve far better.
The only thing that works with these men is to instigate No Contact and maintain it. They will keep trying to make contact, but you don’t need to or have to respond. Just ignore him and eventually he will learn that the door is closed. Start working on you and why you are interested in a man like him and why you are distrusting of other men, and take some time out and get to a better place.
I hope that in the time since you wrote this, you have seen the light and ditched the guy. Oh and by the way, guys that really miss you don’t let you know by text message. Using text messaging/instant messaging/email as a primary form of contact is the hallmark of Mr Unavailables and assclowns.
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