Right now somebody somewhere is being broken up with. It’s horrible, it hurts, it can be devastating, and it can feel like a kick in the nuts, even if you’re not in possession of a penis and two testicles! One of the difficult things about break-ups is the reasoning. If you struggle with a break-up, it’s likely that you spend a lot a lot of time trying to rationalise the reasons for it. In fact, until you get to the acceptance phase, you’ll reject the reason and find ‘loopholes’. But what if you’re not even dignified with a reason for your break-up? Or what if you want to break up with someone for no reason?
Well here’s a newsflash: There is no such thing as breaking up with ‘no reason’. The very suggestion of it implies a lack of responsibility for your actions and thoughts. If you want to break up with someone for ‘no reason’ it’s because:
1) There is a reason but you don’t want to acknowledge it
2) There is a reason but you haven’t put your finger on it yet
3) You just don’t want to tell them because you fear confrontation or you just don’t feel like it
4) You fear something about them or the relationship (e.g. Commitment-phobia)
5) The reason is about you but your ego doesn’t want to put the onus on you, so you prefer to leave them guessing.
Breaking up with someone and claiming that there’s no reason is a recipe for disaster that will ensure that closure is as likely as snowballs being thrown in hell. Or at the very least the poor person on the receiving end of it will think you’re a tosser. A cruel one at that.
If you don’t at least have the balls to tell the person why you’re breaking up, at least acknowledge what those reasons are to yourself, because a failure to do so will eventually result in a pattern of destructive behaviour. You become like that person that has a habit of disappearing with no explanation, but in your case, you give them a wave before you vanish.
Whatever it is that prevents you from having/giving a reason, you can’t think much of the person you’re breaking up with, no matter what you tell yourself. Trust me, if you cared, you’d find it within yourself to dignify the person with a reason so that they don’t spend their brain power wondering where it went wrong, especially if they’re blaming themselves. Remember that karma is a bitch and not only could you end up doing long lasting damage to someone’s self-esteem and future relationships, but one day you’ll get a bite in the ass when you least expect it.
And if you’re the one being broken up with?
Trying to get a reason out of them may be as fruitless as the search for weapons of mass destruction! You may be putting in more energy than it’s worth, and remember, if they didn’t see fit to be straight with you when they broke up with you, what’s the incentive afterwards? Yes you want closure, but you can find that on your own. Occasionally you get those situations where there is literally no signs that there is anything wrong with the relationship (these people deserve Oscars as they’re great at pretending or fickle enough to change in a heartbeat) but most of the time, if you sit down and playback the relationship slowly through your mind, you’ll see red flag and dubious behaviour and situations. Yes you can ask yourself if there is anything that you could have done differently, but be careful of being one of those people that assigns the blame automatically to themselves.
It may be more difficult to get over the relationship, but because of the way that the person has behaved towards you, you can remind yourself that there is cowardice, thoughtlessness, and an uncaring aspect to your ex, and that’s not attractive in anyone.
There is no law that says that you must give a reason or get one for a break-up, but there is such a thing as common courtesy. It may seem like a lack of reason gives it a clean break but it’s actually likely to drag it out and impact negatively on the recipient’s future relationships. If we all behaved a little bit better about certain things, there probably wouldn’t be so many people with screwed up notions about relationships and themselves.
Ultimately some people fear giving a reason because they don’t want to be perceived as an asshole, but the person on the receiving end will probably draw that conclusion anyway!