We are all human and have our moments of self-doubt, but if you struggle to get over break ups and find yourself pining for men you should probably be delighted to see the back of, self-doubt is riding in the front seat with fear.
It is self-doubt that prevents you from moving to the crucial stage in the grieving process – anger – or at the very least, indignation about how you have been treated. But if self-doubt is playing too big a part, you never quite make it to anger because you’re too busy backtracking so that you can stall the process of moving forward.
If you doubt you, you don’t trust your judgement or your decisions. Most importantly, you don’t trust your gut and your instincts.
Without trusting any of these things, how can you expect to know if the break up was the right thing to do, or the relationship is the right thing to be in or pursuing?
Instead of letting the self-doubt take hold, when you hear yourself questioning things that are actually representative of things that indicate an issue, you need to jump on those thoughts and examine them further.
At the moment, you have a rational thought that takes into account the real behaviour on both of your parts and the real situation and you quickly shut it down and replace it with insecurity and even pity.
That’s why like Cheekie, I am a big believer in writing The Unsent Letter. This is an opportunity to put pen to paper and vent everything to him as if writing to him, which will be a mixture of the good, the bad, and the ugly. The premise behind this is that right now, all of these thoughts combined with the obsessing are just running riot in your head.
You can either write him a letter telling him exactly how you feel, why you feel it, and what you know now as a result of it, or if you’re still in that special place called denial, some readers have found it beneficial to write down the story of their relationship from the beginning…after a while, the mushy stuff passes and they suddenly start remembering when he disappointed them and then the floodgates open.
Now I know some of you are fond of the idea of sending a letter or an email to him telling him exactly what you think of him but don’t go there. You’ll never get the response or the reaction that you want, and could set you back even further or even open you up to him making a fool out of you.
But the important thing is to stop doubting what you really think and feel about the situation.
If you’re gonna sit there saying “But I love him so much” at least follow it up with the truth and say “But I know that this relationship is doomed because he has done X,Y,Z” – that’s positive. It gives you a real, healthy place to operate from.
Sitting there and saying “But I love him so much….maybe I should have just been patient and he might have changed…well he probably wouldn’t have because we’ve been down this road before…but…what if it happens this time…oh I don’t know what to do! This is out of my control!”
Stop doubting yourself, your gut, your instincts, and your assessment of the situation and his behaviour. Listen to YOU. Listen to how you feel. Pay attention to the differences between the you now and the you back then.
For instance, on the surface of things, you’ll say you’re devastated but often when we dig a bit deeper, we recognise that we don’t have other anxieties.
We have to be careful of wallowing in heartbreak because it’s actually a defense mechanism that prevents you from having to face up to things, let go, and do something about our lives. It’s like doubting yourself and focusing on him and the pain is a more pleasant alternative to sorting your life out.
Be careful of letting fear and self-doubt turn you into a Drama Seeker, accidental or otherwise!
Check out Commandment 1: Thou shalt cut off this ‘Let’s be friends’ mallarky
Check out Commandment 2: Thou shalt not obsess
Check out Commandment 3: Thou shalt stop fearing the pain of breaking up and confront it.
Check out Commandment 4: Thou shalt stop doubting yourself and get angry.
Check out Commandment 5: Thou shalt be accountable
Check out Commandment 6: Thou shalt understand WHY and do something with the knowledge
Check out Commandment 7: Thou shalt forgive…but not forget…but don’t cling.
Check out Commandment 8: Thou need to get a life!
Check out Commandment 9: Thou mustn’t give up on love.
Check out Commandment 10: Thou must close the door and move forward
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my god.. where would we be w/o this advice???? Having a bad day day, little anxiety, but i know it will pass.. I know I have to get thru this and I will….
NML – I just know this post was for me. I am the poster girl here especially lately. I have written the “unsent letter” long ago and re-read it many times. I think the “relationship letter” will be of help so I will try that. Obviously my issues are worse than I thought because I do wrestle with self-doubt, not trusting myself & insecurity. There must be something bigger going on because I do believe it is a defense mechanism for something. What is it that I need to face? I am in therapy but can’t afford to go often. Your site has offered me more help & therapy than any doctor has ever given me & I thank you for that. Your experience has been invaluable as are the friends I have made here. Even after all I have read about EUM’s it is easier to blame myself for the failure.
LisaQ – GOOD FOR U! I bet it felt great!
A couple of weeks ago, my friend and I went out. There we were waiting at the bar to order a drink when I felt a hand on my a$$. When I spun around to see who the offending limb belonged to, there stood The Math Teacher. I can’t even express to you the anger I felt at that moment. How dare he touch me…especially there? He gave up that right and I made that perfectly clear. The anger was a turning point for me. I knew at that moment that I had truly put this assclown behind me. His days are done! It was empowering to say the least.
I knew I had done the right thing and, maybe more importantly, that he will continue to try to suck me back in. Sadly for him, that will never happen. I have become the best he never had and there’s no going back. Yay me!
“…it’s actually a defense mechanism that prevents you from having to face up to things, let go, and do something about our lives. It’s like doubting yourself and focusing on him and the pain is a more pleasant alternative to sorting your life out”.
This is so true.
I have finally ended things with an EUM about a month ago. The whole (on and off ) relationship lasted for about ten months, and each time I walked away, he somehow managed to get me back in. Now I have finally ended it for good. Right after the break-up I was feeling good, free of the anxiety, like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. But then the over-thinking and obsessing started. I think I am going through the grieving stage now, as I am crying it out, and really feeling the pain, and feeling the loss of what could have been if he had his emotional baggage sorted out.
I have also realized that I need to make myself a priority. And if I make myself a priority, I will do what makes me happy and fulfilled.
Overall I feel content with my life: I feel really lucky to have amazing, supportive friends, and a job that I really like. But I know that I haven’t, for example, doing any creative work recently. I think I have to let go of that fear, and I need to start believing in myself more. This will shift the energy from the draining, obsessive thinking, to something positive. This may be one of the ways that I can finally start moving fully forward.
Thank you NML, for creating this site, and for helping us. I have been reading it for a while now, and it has helped me so, so much. I wouldn’t have gone so far in this process if it wasn’t for this site. It brings me comfort knowing it’s here, and helps me stay strong.
NML, I’d just like to say: your commonsense advice has been essential reading for me over the last few months.
I’ve done the Unsent Letter, and it really helped me. Writing is my therapy and it was good to let it all out! I’ve poured my subsequent anger into developing my career and going to the gym, and the dividends are starting to become apparent.
Now I’m at the stage where I can accept my situation for what it is, and make a sensible decision from there. Your blog has helped me make sense of things.
Thanks 🙂
Hey Girl,
Sorry i haven’t spoken to you in a while. Been really really busy. This is great this breakup commandments that you have going on here.
You are definitely helping a lot of girl out there and I admire you for that.
Just wanted to let you know that i’m running a small competition on my blog this week and i would really value your input.
Maybe this time you can take out the winner’s title?
Cheers,
Hot Alpha Female
http://www.hotalphafemale.blogspot.com
Sheila – You will absolutely get past this. This part does have its sh*tty moments but one day you will look back and laugh…even if it is through slightly gritted teeth.
LisaQ – Absolutely. Sometimes you need stuff like that to happen to put things in perspective but also to strengthen your resolve and conviction. His behaviour shows a lack of respect anyway and thinking that he has you where he wants you.
Kim – Sometimes it is easier to blame ourselves and that’s because as women we are used to soaking up the blame for a lot of things, brought up in a society that can often help to reduce our self-esteem. To be honest, if we stick to holding onto the heartbreak, part of it is about denying the reality of what happened, part of it is denying the reality of who you are and the reasons why you may have ended up in this place, and part of it is about avoiding having to go out in the big wide world and be accountable for ourselves and our choices because unfortunately accountability is key in moving forward. If you avoid things you don’t have to do anything and if you don’t do anything, nothing changes. We’re back to fear again and you have to remember in your own famous words, that fear is just a feeling.
Joanna – You are in a good place because you are aware of what has been limiting you which gives you a place to work from. You can never think out this type of situation to a 100% outcome. You can’t reason with the unreasonable, irrational elements. They may have caused you pain and taken a little something with them when they hurt you and left your lives, but don’t allow them to take the things that matter most to you or affect how you feel about you.
China Blue – That is so good to hear! And you have touched on a vital point – switching your energies to the right places and letting them pay dividends instead of focusing on the doom and gloom of the break up and getting…nothing.
HAF – I emailed you this morning and I will come and check this out x
NML – Thx. Fear IS just a feeling but why is it so DANG POWERFUL?! I have accomplished a lot in my life & over come many obstacles that entailed a lot of fear. The fear just seems to be in relationships for some reason. That is what I need to figure out!
Had to re-read this today because I keep finding myself NOT angry … and I should be. I’m not sure what to make of my vassilating back and forth. The doubt is within myself – not of him or the relationship.
I’ve written the unsent letter – um, at least 6 times and keep a journal of my feelings that I write in everyday at lunch time. (he works with me so being around him is like a fresh wound). I know these things take time, but omg! I feel like I’m on a farris-wheel.
I dont fear that I will break NC this time, I just feel like I am mourning a loss. A loss of what? Ugh. Having a tough day – just today – I hope!