So imagine that you’ve broken up with someone, and each time your rational voice says something like “You know, this guy is a fool. Look at how terrible you were feeling when you were around him!”, you have a moment of clarity where you recognise the truth…and then the scared, insecure voice comes chiming in with, “But you know, maybe it’s because you’re needy and if you hadn’t asked him to spend more time with you, he wouldn’t have ended it” and then boom, you’re back in that place of self-doubt again.
We are all human and have our moments of self-doubt, but if you struggle to get over break ups and find yourself pining for men you should probably be delighted to see the back of, self-doubt is riding in the front seat with fear.
It is self-doubt that prevents you from moving to the crucial stage in the grieving process – anger – or at the very least, indignation about how you have been treated. But if self-doubt is playing too big a part, you never quite make it to anger because you’re too busy backtracking so that you can stall the process of moving forward.
If you doubt you, you don’t trust your judgement or your decisions. Most importantly, you don’t trust your gut and your instincts.
Without trusting any of these things, how can you expect to know if the break up was the right thing to do, or the relationship is the right thing to be in or pursuing?
Instead of letting the self-doubt take hold, when you hear yourself questioning things that are actually representative of things that indicate an issue, you need to jump on those thoughts and examine them further.
At the moment, you have a rational thought that takes into account the real behaviour on both of your parts and the real situation and you quickly shut it down and replace it with insecurity and even pity.
That’s why like Cheekie, I am a big believer in writing The Unsent Letter. This is an opportunity to put pen to paper and vent everything to him as if writing to him, which will be a mixture of the good, the bad, and the ugly. The premise behind this is that right now, all of these thoughts combined with the obsessing are just running riot in your head.
You can either write him a letter telling him exactly how you feel, why you feel it, and what you know now as a result of it, or if you’re still in that special place called denial, some readers have found it beneficial to write down the story of their relationship from the beginning…after a while, the mushy stuff passes and they suddenly start remembering when he disappointed them and then the floodgates open.
Now I know some of you are fond of the idea of sending a letter or an email to him telling him exactly what you think of him but don’t go there. You’ll never get the response or the reaction that you want, and could set you back even further or even open you up to him making a fool out of you.
But the important thing is to stop doubting what you really think and feel about the situation.
If you’re gonna sit there saying “But I love him so much” at least follow it up with the truth and say “But I know that this relationship is doomed because he has done X,Y,Z” – that’s positive. It gives you a real, healthy place to operate from.
Sitting there and saying “But I love him so much….maybe I should have just been patient and he might have changed…well he probably wouldn’t have because we’ve been down this road before…but…what if it happens this time…oh I don’t know what to do! This is out of my control!”
Stop doubting yourself, your gut, your instincts, and your assessment of the situation and his behaviour. Listen to YOU. Listen to how you feel. Pay attention to the differences between the you now and the you back then.
For instance, on the surface of things, you’ll say you’re devastated but often when we dig a bit deeper, we recognise that we don’t have other anxieties.
We have to be careful of wallowing in heartbreak because it’s actually a defense mechanism that prevents you from having to face up to things, let go, and do something about our lives. It’s like doubting yourself and focusing on him and the pain is a more pleasant alternative to sorting your life out.
Be careful of letting fear and self-doubt turn you into a Drama Seeker, accidental or otherwise!
Check out Commandment 1: Thou shalt cut off this ‘Let’s be friends’ mallarky
Check out Commandment 2: Thou shalt not obsess
Check out Commandment 3: Thou shalt stop fearing the pain of breaking up and confront it.
Check out Commandment 4: Thou shalt stop doubting yourself and get angry.
Check out Commandment 5: Thou shalt be accountable
Check out Commandment 6: Thou shalt understand WHY and do something with the knowledge
Check out Commandment 7: Thou shalt forgive…but not forget…but don’t cling.
Check out Commandment 8: Thou need to get a life!
Check out Commandment 9: Thou mustn’t give up on love.
Check out Commandment 10: Thou must close the door and move forward