It’s happened to most of us at some point and sometimes we suspected that we were heading for the relationship scrapheap and other times it was like a bolt out of the blue and a complete surprise. Either way, it’s very likely that you felt like shit after a breakup. It’s painful, after all, it has the word ‘break’ in it but no matter what emotional turmoil you may be going through, there are certain things that must be avoided when you break up with someone or I’ll put you on detention!

Never beg, never plead
There’s a point of no return and whilst you can make your case for why the relationship should continue, don’t head into the territory of begging and pleading as it’s a horrible point to attempt to come back from. Lets say that he does take your begging and pleading seriously, trust me when I say that the joy of re-establishing the relationship will dissipate quicker than Vanilla Ice’s fame. I actually know a woman that didn’t just beg and plead, but actually got down on her knees and clung to him. Horrific! Begging and pleading is for chumps and I credit us with more than that. Maintain some dignity and you’d be surprised at how some men respond to this because they don’t expect it. They expect us to be weeping and wailing, clinging to their ankles. If you don’t maintain your dignity but somehow manage to maintain the relationship, you won’t feel too clever and things will seem like they’re on a very uneven keel.

Stop flexing your dialling finger.

I know it’s a killer, but sit on your hands, unplug your phone or go stay with a friend, but don’t keep dialling the mofo because he doesn’t want to hear from you constantly. Women are far more emotional creatures than their male counterparts. When we put lots of emotion in their direction, particularly when it’s verbal with lots of tears, ranting or whatever, they just shut down and the conversation goes into the nagging, pestering file. If you’ve agreed not to speak for a week, don’t call him that night or the following day to say that you love him, or hear his voice. You’re massaging his ego and this time it’s not his penis. Men like to hunt, not to be hunted repeatedly by a teary, upset, angry woman.

Don’t dog him to all and sundry
You can do bitchy and dog him out to all of his friends and colleagues, but whilst you may feel some satisfaction, you’re using up negative energy to do very negative things and you are perceived a certain way even when it appears that people are listening to you. Bitch to your close friends, don’t bitch to the butcher, the baker, the candlestick maker. You get my drift. You don’t know who is listening to you and how your rants may impact elsewhere, plus you just never know, you may have the opportunity to get back together.

Don’t become a Glenn Close
Here at Baggage Reclaim, we don’t support either sex stalking anyone. Don’t dress up your actions and tell yourself that all you’re doing is trying to show him your love by hanging outside his house/work/gym/friends house, phoning him, or phoning all of his friends, emailing, texting, letters, flowers, balloons, pestering his new squeeze and then eventually a mac, wig, and a butchers knife when he’s still blanking you. It’s one thing to fight for your relationship when your ex is giving you the opportunity to discuss the relationship at designated times etc, however if he’s not interested, he’s not interested. Let go. Don’t become a prison bird or someone with a restraining order placed on them. It’s not attractive and it’s not what any self respecting woman should want for herself. If he doesn’t want you, he’s not worth the energy. Oh and don’t destroy all of his stuff because you can get sent to prison for it and no man is worth going to prison for! Steer clear of violence!

Don’t Drag It Out
There is an appropriate time to mourn a relationship and you should try to keep it in balance with the period of time that you were together. I.e. You shouldn’t spend a year getting over someone you were with for a month. Charlotte from Sex and the City suggests in an episode that we should allocate a third of the time that you were together for ‘mourning’ so if you’re together for three months, you get a month. I say that, if you can make it shorter, go ahead. I’m not cold, and of course you should be upset, but you also need to take care of number one and focus on moving forward. The reason why people take so long to get over people is because they have trouble letting go. They’re clinging to hurt, ideals, and the shoulda, woulda, coulda, whilst their life passes them by and the ex has long moved on.

Other actions to steer clear of:
Revenge is supposed to be sweet but it will leave a bitter taste in your mouth. Don’t spam him, don’t submit his personal info to dubious websites, don’t mess with his credit cards, don’t destroy anything that isn’t yours, don’t involve fire and flames in anything, don’t cock up your job or career for him, don’t stay in bed for a few months, and don’t turn up in a fur coat and no knickers, repeatedly. Maintain your dignity!

Check out my ebook on the No Contact Rule which helps you manage tricky breakups with dignity, plus my ebook on emotionally unavailable men and the women that love them, Mr Unavailable & The Fallback Girl and more in my bookshop.

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