At the time when I broke up with the Mr Unavailable that seemed to kickstart my many realisations about myself, I was also struggling with a difficult illness and sought alternative therapy in kinesiology to manage potential allergies. So imagine my surprise when I found myself having to discuss forgiveness and the many hurts I had been storing up?! It wasn’t so much about forgiving him, but forgiving the events and the people that had come before him that had led to where I was at that point.
It was an opportunity to free myself and in time, you can free yourself too.
Thou shalt forgive…but thou shouldn’t forget. (But don’t cling).
So what does this mean?
Right now, if you are going through a break up that you are struggling to get over and burning up a lot of energy, the only person this is affecting is YOU. This way of life is so detrimental to your spirit, your energy, and what you can bring to the table in a new relationship that you’re effectively letting it eat away inside of you, especially if you’ve really been dwelling on the situation and obsessing.
Forgiveness is not about them; it is about YOU.
I keep telling you ladies, but you have got to make this about you so that you learn to do and engage in things that benefit you, not derail and deflate you!
This is about freeing up some of your emotional baggage quota and making peace with you and what has happened. You don’t even need to involve a third party; you just need to commit to accepting what has happened, letting go, and moving on rather than keeping yourself in shackles.
You cannot put your hand into your past and change it. Sitting there thinking about things that you could have said or done differently, doesn’t change what has happened. Attempting to control the uncontrollable will only leave you feeling deflated and powerless. Refusing to accept what has happened, refusing to accept your part in it, or to acknowledge even that he is what he is, is of absolutely no use to you.
Nothing you are doing right now in terms of holding onto the anger, the hurt, the frustration, the obsessing, and the chastising of yourself is affecting anyone but you.
You know all of those tears you’ve been shedding, the obsessing about if and when he’ll return, the obsessing over everything he said and did, and anything else that’s fuelling your misery?
He is not affected by it.
You know that all of that giving yourself a hard time and not forgiving yourself or him, or anyone else for that matter that affects you is doing the damage to you.
It effectively means that this negative energy is wasted.
You are never going to have all the answers about the how’s and why’s of what has happened and where you are at. You can’t think or rationalise out a situation to 100%.
This is the time to take a leap of faith on YOU.
Forgiveness is much like closure – sometimes it helps if the person in question is around, or even asks for it, but most of the time, they make no difference and you can get there on your own.
If you don’t forgive, you’ll just be struggling with you and it will permeate other areas of your life and it will definitely affect any future relationships.
You need to make peace with you and your past, whether it is recent or further back.
When it happened to me, there I was thinking that I just felt irritated by the break up but in actual fact, I had some forgiving of my parents to do, ex boyfriends, and all sorts!
But it felt like a weight had lifted off. I stepped back and looked at each individual situation and I took out buried hurts, examined them with fresh eyes, cried a little where necessary, but accepted what had happened and forgave.
That’s why The Unsent Letter is extremely powerful. It’s the opportunity to vent, to clarify your feelings, to forgive, and to move on. It’s about saying this is what happened, this is why it bothered you, and what you know now as a result of seeing things more clearly now. Failing that, write out a blow by blow account of your relationship, from when you met right to when it all ended. Think about standout events, and play the relationship back through your mind and look out for the red flags and warning signs that all was not well. Don’t forget in The Unsent Letter to acknowledge if there was anything good about the relationship – it’s about getting a more balanced view of things.
Remember, don’t ever post this letter unless you want to regress. You never get the reaction you want!
I realised that I couldn’t change what had happened in the past, and with people who were still in my lives, I could work on having a different relationship free of resentment, but it also gave me an opportunity to redefine what my life and relationships meant to me.
The odd thing is that as soon as I realised that I had been holding in some hurt, I started to feel free. It’s acknowledging that you’ve been hurt…and letting them go. They have no power then.
Some things you’ll have to accept that it is what it is. You don’t get all the answers and all you can do is commit to remembering what your part in things was, and avoid repeating the same behaviour.
Stop being mad at you and berating yourself. Keep telling yourself that you forgive yourself and love yourself – sometimes we have to keep telling ourselves this. Unfortunately…sh*t happens…and you have to remember that unconditional love is about loving you irrespective of external things taking place around you. We all make mistakes and sitting around blaming yourself achieves nothing. Accepting what has happened, gives you the power to move forward.
Keep writing those Unsent Letters untill you have perspective and feel your spirit picking up. Burn them after reading them back to yourself a few times (don’t start a house fire though) and maybe even let them blow in the wind.
Saying that you forgive him out loud sometimes helps. A lot of the time we are having an internal dialogue with ourselves. Saying things out loud can surprise ourselves. It’s like you say it and then suddenly realise that you mean it.
Commit to letting go. Don’t just say you forgive, act like you forgive. Get up and start living.
Don’t forget what has happened but don’t hold onto the hurt. This is the key. Remember your lessons learned and your contribution and use those to empower yourself. Don’t hold onto the negative feelings and cling to the break up.
Check out Commandment 1: Thou shalt cut off this ‘Let’s be friends’ mallarky
Check out Commandment 2: Thou shalt not obsess
Check out Commandment 3: Thou shalt stop fearing the pain of breaking up and confront it.
Check out Commandment 4: Thou shalt stop doubting yourself and get angry.
Check out Commandment 5: Thou shalt be accountable
Check out Commandment 6: Thou shalt understand WHY and do something with the knowledge
Check out Commandment 7: Thou shalt forgive…but not forget…but don’t cling.
Check out Commandment 8: Thou need to get a life!
Check out Commandment 9: Thou mustn’t give up on love.
Check out Commandment 10: Thou must close the door and move forward