Yesterdays post was about the first commandment: Thou shalt cut off this ‘Let’s be friends’ mallarky, a call to action for any woman who has been caught up in the confusing world of being friends with their ex. Today’s post is for all of the ladies that love an assclown Mr Unavailable, and especially for women who have started the No Contact Rule. The second commandment of breaking up and moving on after a break up focuses on the tricky subject of women who can’t and won’t stop thinking about their exes.
Ladies, ladies, ladies, LADIES! There is a fundamental reason why I implore you to heed the commandment of ‘Thou shalt not obsess about your ex’:
If you become the woman that thinks obsessively about whether he’ll call and when, worrying about what he’s doing, or imagining scenario after scenario that could possibly happen, not only do you stall yourself from connecting with the reality of the break up and waste precious time and brain energy, but…
Obsessing about your ex after you’ve broken up, especially if there was anything dysfunctional about the relationship (assclowns, bad boys, Mr Unavailables, all of the these lumped together and more), is like switching one type of dysfunction for another.
Instead of being in a dysfunctional relationship you switch to an alternative universe where you alone in your dysfunction focusing on thinking about every little, itty, bitty, thing about this guy.
What do you have to gain by spending almost every waking moment thinking about your ex or fantasising about him turning up and what you may or may not do?
Nothing. But you have everything to lose, particularly if this goes on for an extended period of time.
So what do I mean by obsessing:
Constantly wondering where he is, what he’s doing, who he’s doing it with, or even worse, who he is doing.
Constantly trying to out-think the situation – Trying to work out when he’ll call. Preparing yourself every day for a possible call or an email. Trying to predict his every last damn move.
Fantasising about what you think you would do if your ex were to turn up.
As I explained to a reader yesterday, much of the obsessing is about rendering yourself as hopeless. Shooting yourself down before even giving yourself a chance to grieve, heal, and reassess the situation from a distanced, positive perspective.
Instead, a common situation I come across, is cutting off contact with a guy, thinking about him constantly even though you think he’s a complete assclown, obsessing about when he’ll make contact, fantasising about when the moment happens, and then deciding that you just WON’T be able to resist!
Oh hell no!
This is called writing yourself off and negative thinking.
Wouldn’t it be more constructive to envision telling these guys to take a run and jump rather than thinking about him contacting you and you both ending up in bed together because he’s just sooooooo irresistible?
You can be in as much control as you like in this situation, and unless you’re with a hard of hearing psychopath, you can let the possibility of him making contact or not making contact, as big or as small as possible.
You will slow your progress to a tortoise crawl if you go to the trouble of starting the No Contact Rule and then obsess about him making contact. It totally defeats the purpose of cutting contact because one of you (that would be YOU) is keeping up an ongoing dialogue…even though the object of your obsessing isn’t listening…
The only reason why we obsess about these assclowns making contact is because we want them to validate all of that emotional expenditure that we’ve doing!
We want them to rise up out of the ashes, go from a cockroach to a frog to a prince, jump on his white horse and say,
“Baby, I know I’ve been an assclown. I’ve been emotionally unavailable, I’ve screwed around on you/not returned your calls/refused to commit/ignored you/given you bad sex AND made your life hell but because you haven’t been taking my calls, I realise how valuable you are to me and I want us to be together….”
You could be in for a mighty long wait….
If you have the time to think about your ex for most of the day, you have too much frickin time on your hands. Hard to hear, but true.
Instead of making him the focal point of your life, even when he’s not around, you would do better to make YOU the focal point of YOUR life.
Unfortunately when we focus all of our efforts and emotions on one unavailable assclown, it is an indicator that all is not well within.
This time of grieving, healing, and regrouping with you is an opportunity to get real about the relationship that has just ended. Take off the rose tinted glasses, the fur coat of insecurity, and look at you and your relationship with real eyes.
Be sure of who you are, what you want, and why.
If you don’t love you, if you don’t want to be around you, you’re gonna have a really hard time connecting with someone that does.
Get busy – I’m not suggesting you turn into a worker bee but as women we tend to throw our social lives down the drain, and sometimes our quality of work when we are engrossed in an inappropriate man.
Catch up on work, hang with friends, take up a new interest, go on a holiday, get drunk and do some MJ walking on the dance floor at the nightclub, chill out on your own on a Friday night in some great lingerie with a great movie, and revel at being at one with your own company. But more importantly, do something that benefits you. Do something that loves you.
Figure out whether you have any issues that are standing in the way of having healthy, positive relationships, and do something about it. Come to Baggage Reclaim, see a counsellor, read some books (I can recommend a good one called Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl by me 😉 ), write some unsent letters, and move towards getting to a happier you, because you do know that one of the golden rules of new relationships is that you must be over your ex….
Being over your ex means that you have no emotional attachment to him. If you aren’t friends, this means you should have no positive or negative attachment – it just is what it is.
And of course, never obsess about a guy and then try to start up something new with someone else – get over him before you end on easy street to another dodgy relationship!
Check out Commandment 1: Thou shalt cut off this ‘Let’s be friends’ malarkey
Check out Commandment 2: Thou shalt not obsess
Check out Commandment 3: Thou shalt stop fearing the pain of breaking up and confront it.
Check out Commandment 4: Thou shalt stop doubting yourself and get angry.
Check out Commandment 5: Thou shalt be accountable
Check out Commandment 6: Thou shalt understand WHY and do something with the knowledge
Check out Commandment 7: Thou shalt forgive…but not forget…but don’t cling.
Check out Commandment 8: Thou need to get a life!
Check out Commandment 9: Thou mustn’t give up on love.
Check out Commandment 10: Thou must close the door and move forward