Get Happy Before You Get Him
May 25, 2006 by NML
Following on with NYM’s Get A Life! theme…One of the things that I have discovered over the past couple of years is that if you have a lot going on internally and you’re not overly happy, or have an undercurrent of anxiety, dubious man choices will become a part of the routine of life. I know people call their significant other’s their other half, but I always wonder if there is this underlying belief that a partner ‘completes’ us a la Jerry Maguire? The problem is that when we wait for a white knight to ride in on his horse to make all our dreams come true and validate what the positives are about ourselves, which we have failed personally to validate ourselves, we often find ourselves very disappointed. We often get a Mr Unavailable on a donkey, or a wonky, broken down horse, or we think he has arrived on a thoroughbred but he’s missing ’something’.
I made the worst choices in men in the most anxiety filled or unhappy periods of my life. I kept seeing a pattern and it became glaringly obvious that I had something to do with where I was. I didn’t consider myself an unhappy person in general but there were some underlying anxieties and issues about men, love, relationships which I had picked up, through childhood and from experience in relationships that seemed to have me thinking subconsciously that being in a relationship and being ‘loved’ was very important, even though the ‘quality’ of the relationship and the love left something to be desired. I would feel happy initially because it was catering to the surface desire and then I would feel empty, confused, and downright miserable at times with these unavailable men.
Cheesy as it may sound, when I REALLY started to appreciate myself, when I REALLY started to love myself and I REALLY started to face the reality of where I had been relationship wise did I actually start to feel genuine changes in my life. When I put the onus back on MYSELF and put aside what they did and asked what I did to bring about these situations, I found clarity and peace. I wasn’t just saying I didn’t want a Mr Unavailable and then finding myself with one and shrugging my shoulders and going along with it. I faced it head on and told them to beat it. I did this whilst also taking up alternative therapies such as acupuncture due to a disease that I live with. I found a sense of peace and well being descending on me gradually and a lot of clarity. Due to my own peace and well being, it seemed ridiculous to welcome someone into my life that would provide me with anything but that.
What I have discovered is that us women that love Mr Unavailable’s ARE conditioned for DRAMA. We seem to only feel comfortable when Mr Unavailable’s tick several boxes - emotionally unavailable, drama, ambiguous, says one thing, does another and the list goes on. I was shocked to discover that whilst I had found happiness on more levels than I ever have, I still have to work with the part of me that is trained to work with drama and ambiguity. Fortunately due to my awareness of my peace and happiness, a little voice says ‘NML, stop being a dick and embrace what you have.’ And it’s true, so when you do start to feel happiness with whatever or whoever is causing it, exhale, embrace and enjoy.
Originally published on The Mr Unavailable Guide
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Yes, Yes, Yes! You captured my life exactly! The only way to break the cycle is to love your own life and be fullfilled on your own and without a man……FIRST!
I love this site. It couldnt have come at a better time!
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