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There are variations of this common question being asked around this site. The common scenarios are:
You’ve broken up with him and now he’s dating someone else and they look so happy together.
He said he didn’t want to be in a relationship and now he’s flaunting his latest.
He said he wasn’t going to choose you over his wife/girlfriend and now he’s got a replacement Other Woman.
He said he didn’t want to get married and now he’s engaged or married.
He said he wouldn’t leave his wife and now he has…for a different girl.
How come he’s so happy with her? It must be my fault the relationship didn’t work.
Why her and not me? Why, why, why, why, WHY?
The fact that you’re asking this says that you still want him even though he’s demonstrated that he doesn’t see the value in you or being with you, plus that you’re obsessing about him and the relationship, and that you don’t want to move on because often when we ask these questions, they are with regard to men who probably aren’t worthy of our time.
Now, I’m not going to say that it’s not a question that doesn’t run through many a person’s mind but when it becomes damn near an obsession and it prevents you from letting go and focusing on you, something is very wrong.
If you are obsessing about the relationship, him, the who, what, why’s and when’s, the shoulda, woulda, couldas, and the can’t, won’t, don’ts, you are either in standstill or regressing into the past because obsessing is about looking for reasons to blame yourself and trying to reason out things that there aren’t necessarily answers for.
And here is the kicker:
Him choosing to do something after the relationship with you has ended is not about you; it’s about him.
You are putting yourself at the centre of his decision to be with someone else or his actions after you. In reality, that’s giving yourself too much credit for impact, and him too much credit for actually having that much connection to his thoughts!
It’s not about you. It’s about him.
It’s not about her because you are two different people and the likelihood is that if he was effed up when you were with him and he’s taken up with someone else, he hasn’t changed which means that there is something about the relationship with her that let’s him believe that he can continue being himself.
You also need to remember that with men who habitually mess women around, they ALWAYS blow hot at first which means that when you are losing your mind obsessing over him, he’s going through the same hot phase that he treated YOU to at the beginning. But eventually, lukewarm or downright cold kicks in.
Again because it is about him, just like when we knee-jerk our way into dating and quickly start dating another guy or choose an opposite and end up with a ‘nice guy’ that we eventually admit bores us or we claim is ‘too nice’, men do exactly the same thing too because they have their own insecurities.
Especially when it comes to assclowns and habitually emotionally unavailable men, they need attention in the form of ego stroking, a convenient shag, and a smokescreen that let’s themselves believe that they are not the assclown that they actually are.
Some need to prove they’ve still got ‘it’, some are afraid to look in the mirror and see themselves for what they are, some are afraid of what it means to have another ‘failed’ relationship, and some just like having someone there.
A new woman that’s not wisened up to his him yet is fresh meat but eventually, when she expects too much or sees through him, he’ll be revealing his usual self.
What about men that leave you and meet someone else that they end up marrying/getting engaged to/ or essentially doing more than they did with you?
This is why I keep telling women to stop trying to raise men from the ground up and change them because the overwhelming likelihood is that it’s the NEXT woman that profits from your rennovation whilst you sit there in negative equity!
There is no ‘logic’ to why these men do what they do but one thing that is at the heart of it is that if you are a woman that accepts poor behaviour from a man because she thinks it shows how much she loves him and how willing she is to make the relationship work, you only get penalised for it because the types of men that behave in this manner and watch you accept it recognise that you can’t respect or love yourself enough if you put up with their behaviour. On some level they realise that if you want them, something can’t be right.
Often with the next woman, she won’t put up with the same crap so he tries much harder. That’s not to say that he won’t revert to himself at a different juncture but right now (and you know that most of these men don’t think too far ahead), she seems ‘different’.
It’s as simple as this. If you met an attached guy and stood by his side whilst he went home to his wife, he’d mark you down for it. If you met an attached guy who when he disclosed the fact that he was in a relationship, you told him to take a run and jump and kept telling him to go and to come back when he’s got his house in order, he’d actually have greater respect for you.
Not every woman puts up with poor behaviour from men. They recognise red flags, have clear boundaries and know when to opt out because they recognise that these men are no good. These are the ones that these foolish men will pursue and often lose their minds over. If you’re a Fallback Girl, they’ll slink back to you in between…
But ultimately, there is no absolute answer to the question of ‘Why her and not me?’ What I do know is that there is absolutely nothing to be gained by it and obsessing about it represents yet another avoidance tactic where instead of taking the focus off him and bringing it back to you, you instead look for reasons to stay emotionally invested in the situation even when he’s gone.
What is there to be gained by knowing why he’s with her? The fact that he’s moved on shows that YOU should move on pronto, not be putting your life on hold to obsess about him and the new relationship.
Even if you sat there and analysed every conversation, action, flick of the hair, and slip of the tongue over your entire relationship, it’s a waste of your time that will never give you all the answers.
You’re not seeing the wood for the trees. Instead of asking ‘Why her and not me?’, you should be asking ‘What is it about my relationship habits that had me in this relationship?’ or ‘Why am I pining for someone who doesn’t want, love, or respect me?’
Look at the bigger picture and see beyond him and the new relationship and focus on washing him out of your mind and life, and ensuring that you don’t fall into the same traps. He’s her problem now, NOT yours.
Natalie Lue is the founder and writer of Baggage Reclaim and author of the books Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl, The Dreamer and the Fantasy Relationship and more. Learn more about her here and you can also follow her on Facebook and Twitter – @baggagereclaim .
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- When you’re met with the You’re The First / You’re The Only One With A Problem defense
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