thumbs down

There are variations of this common question being asked around this site. The common scenarios are:

You’ve broken up with him and now he’s dating someone else and they look so happy together.

He said he didn’t want to be in a relationship and now he’s flaunting his latest.

He said he wasn’t going to choose you over his wife/girlfriend and now he’s got a replacement Other Woman.

He said he didn’t want to get married and now he’s engaged or married.

He said he wouldn’t leave his wife and now he has…for a different girl.

How come he’s so happy with her? It must be my fault the relationship didn’t work.

Why her and not me? Why, why, why, why, WHY?

The fact that you’re asking this says that you still want him even though he’s demonstrated that he doesn’t see the value in you or being with you, plus that you’re obsessing about him and the relationship, and that you don’t want to move on because often when we ask these questions, they are with regard to men who probably aren’t worthy of our time.

Now, I’m not going to say that it’s not a question that doesn’t run through many a person’s mind but when it becomes damn near an obsession and it prevents you from letting go and focusing on you, something is very wrong.

If you are obsessing about the relationship, him, the who, what, why’s and when’s, the shoulda, woulda, couldas, and the can’t, won’t, don’ts, you are either in standstill or regressing into the past because obsessing is about looking for reasons to blame yourself and trying to reason out things that there aren’t necessarily answers for.

And here is the kicker:

Him choosing to do something after the relationship with you has ended is not about you; it’s about him.

You are putting yourself at the centre of his decision to be with someone else or his actions after you. In reality, that’s giving yourself too much credit for impact, and him too much credit for actually having that much connection to his thoughts!

It’s not about you. It’s about him.

It’s not about her because you are two different people and the likelihood is that if he was effed up when you were with him and he’s taken up with someone else, he hasn’t changed which means that there is something about the relationship with her that let’s him believe that he can continue being himself.

You also need to remember that with men who habitually mess women around, they ALWAYS blow hot at first which means that when you are losing your mind obsessing over him, he’s going through the same hot phase that he treated YOU to at the beginning. But eventually, lukewarm or downright cold kicks in.

Again because it is about him, just like when we knee-jerk our way into dating and quickly start dating another guy or choose an opposite and end up with a ‘nice guy’ that we eventually admit bores us or we claim is ‘too nice’, men do exactly the same thing too because they have their own insecurities.

Especially when it comes to assclowns and habitually emotionally unavailable men, they need attention in the form of ego stroking, a convenient shag, and a smokescreen that let’s themselves believe that they are not the assclown that they actually are.

Some need to prove they’ve still got ‘it’, some are afraid to look in the mirror and see themselves for what they are, some are afraid of what it means to have another ‘failed’ relationship, and some just like having someone there.

A new woman that’s not wisened up to his him yet is fresh meat but eventually, when she expects too much or sees through him, he’ll be revealing his usual self.

What about men that leave you and meet someone else that they end up marrying/getting engaged to/ or essentially doing more than they did with you?

This is why I keep telling women to stop trying to raise men from the ground up and change them because the overwhelming likelihood is that it’s the NEXT woman that profits from your rennovation whilst you sit there in negative equity!

There is no ‘logic’ to why these men do what they do but one thing that is at the heart of it is that if you are a woman that accepts poor behaviour from a man because she thinks it shows how much she loves him and how willing she is to make the relationship work, you only get penalised for it because the types of men that behave in this manner and watch you accept it recognise that you can’t respect or love yourself enough if you put up with their behaviour. On some level they realise that if you want them, something can’t be right.

Often with the next woman, she won’t put up with the same crap so he tries much harder. That’s not to say that he won’t revert to himself at a different juncture but right now (and you know that most of these men don’t think too far ahead), she seems ‘different’.

It’s as simple as this. If you met an attached guy and stood by his side whilst he went home to his wife, he’d mark you down for it. If you met an attached guy who when he disclosed the fact that he was in a relationship, you told him to take a run and jump and kept telling him to go and to come back when he’s got his house in order, he’d actually have greater respect for you.

Not every woman puts up with poor behaviour from men. They recognise red flags, have clear boundaries and know when to opt out because they recognise that these men are no good. These are the ones that these foolish men will pursue and often lose their minds over. If you’re a Fallback Girl, they’ll slink back to you in between…

But ultimately, there is no absolute answer to the question of ‘Why her and not me?’ What I do know is that there is absolutely nothing to be gained by it and obsessing about it represents yet another avoidance tactic where instead of taking the focus off him and bringing it back to you, you instead look for reasons to stay emotionally invested in the situation even when he’s gone.

What is there to be gained by knowing why he’s with her? The fact that he’s moved on shows that YOU should move on pronto, not be putting your life on hold to obsess about him and the new relationship.

Even if you sat there and analysed every conversation, action, flick of the hair, and slip of the tongue over your entire relationship, it’s a waste of your time that will never give you all the answers.

You’re not seeing the wood for the trees. Instead of asking ‘Why her and not me?’, you should be asking ‘What is it about my relationship habits that had me in this relationship?’ or ‘Why am I pining for someone who doesn’t want, love, or respect me?’

Look at the bigger picture and see beyond him and the new relationship and focus on washing him out of your mind and life, and ensuring that you don’t fall into the same traps. He’s her problem now, NOT yours.

Your thoughts?

 

Natalie Lue is the founder and writer of Baggage Reclaim and author of the books Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl, The Dreamer and the Fantasy Relationship and more. Learn more about her here and you can also follow her on Facebook and Twitter – @baggagereclaim .

Natalie (NML) – who has written posts on Baggage Reclaim by Natalie Lue.


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233 Responses to He’s with someone else – Why her and not me?

  1. Brad K. says:

    Jackie,

    I think that there comes a time when we have to ask for help. I suggest a trusted pastor or minister, Al-Anon, a trusted counselor.

    I would assume that your family, in failing to help you, either suffers from poor communication skills, from poor home dynamics, or a combination of these or other problems in forming healthy relationships. Just because someone else seems to be living well, does not mean that they know or understand where their success came from.

    NML’s book, Mr. Unavailable and the Fallback Girl, an e-book, gives a good introduction to the topics on this site. I think, as I said above, that improving your self esteem and self respect is important, and learning to set and enforce healthy boundaries will start to take you where you need to go.

    It should not be all that hard. But it is, it is incredibly tough to see ourselves plainly and without deceptions and masks and pretenses. It is tough to identify what we need in order to reach our goals, and tougher still to change our lives.

    You seem to hear NML’s explanation that we attract EUM’s and AC because something in us expects to be treated the way they treat their intimate partners. Something in us expects them to act the way people we have respected act, including alcoholics in the family. We recognize their dependency on chemicals, and it feels like coming home. Or we see their harsh treatment of others, or their narcissism, or their arrogant manner, and we recognize the familiarity of expected behavior from our past. We tend to hang out where the comfortable and familiar – dysfunctional – people hang out.

    Perhaps, if you can’t find a mentor, someone trusted to help you sort through your values, expectations, and boundaries, and you don’t want to ask at a battered women’s shelter for advice, you might start with honesty, respect, and honor. Learn the difference between aggression and discipline (the will to complete a task).

    Luck, dear heart.

  2. S says:

    I have to keep coming back to this article over and over and OVER! He’s with her (for 4 MONTHS now), but it has been so off and on for the last year and a half I keep thinking he’ll be back any day. I know I shouldn’t care or wait, but it’s such a blow to my ego and self-esteem. I just can’t seem to let go. He’s in AA and I think now he’ll be a better person, but she’s the one that gets to be with that better person.

    Oh, I know: move on, get some hobbies, get a life, already! I’m going to see a counselor in 2 weeks. Hopefully that will help!

    Thanks again for your articles!

  3. Brad K. says:

    S,

    Hang on. Have you checked out Al-Anon, the group that provides support and understanding for people who’s lives have been harmed by being with an alcoholic? Even second hand, alcohol addiction damages lives, and it is surprisingly (horribly?) consistent what those people need – the information, the guidance, the support. From people that have lived in the trenches.

    My own guess is that a recovering drunk, while on the wagon, will be terrified of going back to anything in his past. And if he starts drinking again, will return to old habits and be useless for a relationship. I cannot believe there is anything for you to be waiting for. It is not the woman that he is with now that keeps him from you.

    And you might consider – why do you want a man that is with another woman? If he would leave her, for any reason, you could never believe he would stay with you. At some point you have to find respect for him, or you cannot consider him an equal partner in a loving relationship. And if you respect him, you *have* to respect his choice to be with someone else.

    Then there are boundaries. Boundaries that include, refusing to consider any guy that has an attachment – dating, married, or more complicated. Either a guy is available, at this moment, to share lives in a loving relationship, or he is only seeking bed partners, and never will understand there is anything more than sex adventures.

    If you aren’t happy with your life and relationships, then it is time to try something else. (At least, I hope you aren’t happy with waiting!) Ask yourself if you are waiting for him, to avoid addressing your own needs for self esteem. You have waited this long – obviously you can survive without someone else to care for you. But do you *know* that? Is that knowledge, that you are a person, that your value to home and community is intact and valued, even without a life companion? Do you understand that you are so valuable a person, that you don’t need to take disrespect or disinterest from someone you consider to share your life with?

    He chose to be with someone else. Whether his choice was reasonable or even sane – he has violated a boundary that should mean that he is unsuited to be with you. Right now you are still “involved” with him; that is where your heart is. Until you face yourself and your needs (like Al-Anon or other counseling for those affected by an alcoholic) you won’t be able to heal, to recover a sound and happy basis for living – and won’t be available if a truly good man comes along. Until you let go and find yourself again, you will continue to be a woman involved with a drunk, with all the compromise and unhealthy sacrifice of yourself that goes along with that.

    Take heart!
    .-= Brad K.´s last blog ..br: Stumbling over broken dreams =-.

  4. S says:

    Brad,

    Thanks so much for your reply! Someone heard me in cyberspace! You are so right and it’s good for me to hear.

    I have thought a lot about al-anon and it was suggested by him and the OW. See, both her and I were involved with him off and on this whole time(so, she is just as much a part of his past). Plus, he had a need for other women at the same time, as well. I just figured al-anon was not for me and it would just be a constant reminder of him and not a good way to go forward. I’m hoping the counselor will be able to just help me with my own issues and put this behind me.

    We broke NC last week and spent some time texting. He does say he thinks about me and cares about me, but that I do need to move on for my own good. All I want to hear is the first part! But, it’s right there and he’s being honest.

    I know he’s not the one for me, but it feels like I just want the dream that our relationship was that much better that he’d come running back to me. It’s not real, I know. I know I couldn’t trust him and he was EUM (and now especially since he has all these meetings to go to). The meetings are really his life, as they should be. I could go to the “open” ones, but I can’t be with him 24/7. I did want to support him through this, but the OW is going to al-anon and whatever, and I’m sure she’s doing just fine. It is all so obvious to just walk away, but I just got so caught up with everything and I lost myself. Jealousy is a huge factor, too. I miss things and know that they are doing them together now, not me. I just have to let go. And, as you said, *respect* his choice to be with someone else.

    Thanks so very much for your reply. I know I have to do it, it’s just taking me a little longer!

  5. Sweetie187 says:

    I have just received a voicemail message on my mobile from my long standing assclown. I have been seeing him for 22 months [since November 2007] and he always told me he never wanted a relationship. On top of that he hardly ever took me anywhere, and whenever we did go anywhere it was always me who instigated it [and paid]. Basically, i let this poor excuse of a man use me for all that time and i got miniscule crumbs in return. And very poor treatment at times.

    Then in June this year, he randomly announced that he had a girlfriend!!!!!!!! [remember, he told he he was not looking for a relationship with anyone] And get this! He explained to me that he had always faniced a particular girl since the age of 21 [he is now 33] but nothing happened between them back then. But in May this year, he randomly bumped into her on the street and he asked her to be his girlfriend on the spot. They did not even court and they had not seen each other in 12 years!!! And she accepted his girlfriend invitation.

    Well, this man has continued to sleep with me since the arrival of his new girlfriend. I hated myself for doing this but i just couldn’t stop it. It was like i was addicted to him, the sex and the physical attraction. But the more i continued to see him, the more i became disgruntled at having to be his SIDE SHAG whilst some other girl [who, unlike myself, has invested zero time in him] takes the glory of being his official girlfriend who gets to be paraded in front of his friends and family.

    So when he called me last week for a booty call, I TURNED HIM DOWN. Because i rejected him [i rarely do] he told me not contact him again. But i did. In fact, i was so angry and hurt by the disrespectful way i’ve been treated for 22 months, i started to text him everyday since our phone-call, sending at least 3 a day! I know girls! I turned *psycho* on his ass, telling him how hurt i am about him taking up with the new girl, and it felt like a dagger to my heart. I also accused him of being cold and selfish and having no consideration for me and my feelings. I also told him that him and the girl will not last and that he is going to miss me and want me back in his life. I couldn’t help myself. I knew sending him all these texts was the wrong thing to do but i felt compelled.

    I received NO reply whatsoever to my texts….. until today! after i sent him yet another 2 texts. The last time we were together [around 2 weeks ago] he was telling me that he would like to be having sex with me long into the distant future [even around 10 or 20 years from now]. I did not say anything at the time, but today his words crossed my mind and i became angry. Since he has made it clear in no uncertain terms that we will never be a proper couple, I felt that he was assuming i was going to be dumb enough to continue being his secret side-shag for the next 20 years of my life.

    So my 2 texts this morning addressed this issue and i told him that he was absolutely crazy and he would never get me to waste my life, fulfilling his pathetic pipe dream as his bit on the side [whilst he gets on with is life, building a proper life with another woman], and if he was going to be sleeping with me 10 or 20 years from now, it would be because we were HUSBAND AND WIFE, not as a side shag!

    As soon as the texts were delivered, he immediately called me, but i did not answer. He then left a voicemail message on my mobile telling me that my all texts are now pissing him off and we need to go our separate ways. I replied, cursing and swearing at him, telling him i’m glad i finally pushed him over the edge. I also told him to leave me the f**k alone now from now on.

    Needless to say, he never replied to that one!

    I have his girlfriends phone number and for a hot second i felt like calling her an telling her all about me and him. I even dialled her number but there was no reply. Now, i have thought against contacting her as i know it’s not going to bring me any satisfaction.

    I hate myself right now, for being such an idiot to let a man treat me so badly for the last 22 months. This is not my pattern at all!! I still don’t understand how this man got to get away with murder. I am usually a woman of high self esteem, high expectations and firm boundaries. I know it sounds hard to believe but i am actually used to good treatment from guys!

    HOW DID THIS HAPPEN TO ME????????????

    When i used to tell my friends about me and him, they’d look at me like i am MAD to stay with him. I started to feel judged so i stopped talking to them about us.

    I really do hope i will be able to forgive myself, as i feel so ashamed to have allowed such blatant liberties to take place.

    But now that I FINALLY got a reaction from him after all those texts, i feel like i can start to heal and move on now. [yes i know that sounds pathetic as i should not have to wait for him to tell me to leave him alone before i decide it's over].

    Day 1 of “No Contact” starts tomorrow.

    Wish me luck girls! I am about to go cold turkey. I feel it’ll be successful though because i have now angered him so i dont think he’ll be contacting me now anyway. And i am now too embarrassed to dare contact him again.

    On the other hand, we have gone through worse incidents in the past and we still got back together so i really don’t know for sure whether or not he’ll try contacting me again in future.

    If that time does roll around, i really do hope i will have the strength to tell him to go to hell.

    • christine says:

      yikes, I had a similar situation.
      I had to lol at “turning psycho” and I hope you are doing well at this time. It has been a few months since you posted this.

  6. burned78 says:

    I’ve just come across the website and I’m in desparate need of some help…

    I met someone about a month and a half ago on match.com. Things were wonderful at the beginning. We connected and we were physically attracted. He was very attentive, he would call and text all day long. The first 2 weeks of dating we saw each other 4 times during week one and I hung out a few times at his place…then his feelings just shifted overnight. He was distant, not as attentive, and wasn’t making any plans to see me in person even though we were still talking daily. After 2 weeks of this I put my own personal boundaries on this and said that his behavior wasn’t acceptable. (My former ex was an AC, so I already have experience dealing with this). He finally called me up about 2 weeks ago and told me he couldn’t handle a relationship right now and in the meantime his match profile has been taken down. Since it was such a short lived relationship, we agreed to try and stay friends, per his suggestion. Since this has happened he has texted several times and called once but has cooled off the last few days and been MIA. I have a feeling there is another woman..

    Can someone help me decipher his behavior?

  7. aphrogirl says:

    burned and sweetie,

    You want to get to the point where you can sincerely say…Who cares why they do what they do, or if they do or do not have someone else.

    If you have been clear about what you want, if you have engaged in meaningful dialogue with them to explain your wants in the relationship, if they can not or will not give you what you want..there is no point in continuing.

    In fact there often is a very real danger in continuing, namely the soul sucking emotional damage from the hot/ cold, wishy washy, and other arseclown behaviors we accept from them.

    No Contact is a great great thing. Initially, you may not think you could or should do it but if you stick with no contact you will gain a lot of insight. If you have not read NML’s posts about NC, go look for them.

    There is so much good info here and if you have a pattern of these relationships, just download the Fallback Girl book. And I’d advise you to lay off the blame, its fine to ask ” how did I ever do this ?”, but life is a journey into self discovery and sometimes we make mistakes.

    Mistakes are OK, as they often are the best, though hardest, way to learn important lessons.

  8. burned78 says:

    Thanks aphro

    I think I’m especially struggling with this guy because this is the second time I’ve had an AC within the last 3 yrs…I need to figure out how to be smarter at the beginning of dating for both of these men started off strong and then slowly tapered off within weeks to then totally letting me go -i hung around the old AC for a year and I’m smart enough to engage in NC with the current guy… I’m just sad this is what I’m attracting

  9. Brad K. says:

    @ burned78,

    NML has noted several times – guys that text a lot are often problem cases. If they are satisfied with an electronic relationship, then you won’t have much luck with them in real life.

    Almost the same story goes for meeting people on line – the odds are someone online is looking for a sex adventure, not a life mate to share the rest of their life with. Guys that come on strong – are likely looking for a bed partner, and are also likely to be highly skilled, and unlikely to want off their perpetual dating routine.

    What is left? Character, substance, respect, someone more active in their family and community, and has pretty much given up on the clubs and single spots. Meeting guys of character will be tougher, you may need to get them interested in a relationship at all, and they may be more interested in respect and trust than a hot appearance.

    Make friends with some solid, good people, married women – people that can tell the riffraff right off, and will likely want to see you paired up. Be active in your community. Make friendships based on respect and trust. Avoid those out for a good time – they act as “good people” repellent. Make good friends that will introduce you to good people.

    In short, if you have chosen poorly a couple of times, you probably need to change what you are looking for, and how you are looking. If you are settling for guys that don’t settle down to be “The One” you may need to look at your self esteem, to find out why you are willing to consider someone unsuitable. And the Fallback Girl book explores the dangers of betting on him improving or becoming better. Shoes don’t stretch, and men don’t change.

    Any one that will tell you they don’t want a relationship, that may be the truest words you ever hear from them. These are fundamental deal-breakers. You cannot stay and still respect them. If you disregard their words, you call him a liar – and acknowledge that you are choosing to be with a liar or with someone in it for the thrills, for now. Thank him and move on, when you get the “I need space/time”, “I am getting over X” whatever X is. Tell you you can respect that, and don’t call again.
    .-= Brad K.´s last blog ..ps: Boundaries – keep kids, romance safe. =-.

  10. burned78 says:

    Thanks brad

    The funny thing about this particular guy is he actually “called” quite a bit …the text messaging was just a recent thing after the break up. He did call me once post break-up and I hung up after 4 min cause I really had nothing to say, I brushed him off and acted totally happy in my own life. Hopefully I gave him the message that I don’t want to be “friends” with him. I told him the story about my former AC and said I will never put up with a man like that again in my life. He might be genuinely trying to be my friend but I don’t buy it..what guy JUST wants to be friends after dating and intimacy? One thing he hasn’t done since the break-up is flirt or insinuate hooking up with me…and now the last week he has not contacted me at all…

    Maybe he’s not an AC after all…I’m not really sure

  11. jackie says:

    Brad,
    I have no one to talk to about the pain i am feeling and the shame i am feeling . I have had no contact with my neighbor for two months. I closed my curtains at night so I could not see his car and told my self he was cruel and uncaring and to let him go. Well one day I saw him in the yard about 3 weeks ago. So i made a big mistake I e mailed him and asked if he would take my garbage to the dump.So the cycle started again. I go to his house for sex and he came to mine. As usual he took me no where just sex. Last Monday I got a phone call and my x boyfriend of seven years who was a abusive drug addict and alcholic took a massive hear attack and died. I have not seen him for a year and when he left he called me such awful names and said horrible things and then was gone. I did learn to forgive him and tried many times to make peace with him and he would never answer the phone. When I heard he had died i was struck down with such sorrow i could hardly breath. I went over to see Charles to tell him and have him comfort me. I needed it badly someone to talk to.He was sitting on his recliner and I was on the couch crying . He showed no compassion and matter of fact started to change the channells on his tv and gave me no support. That is when I asked him what he thought of me. He looked right at me and said you are nothing to me. I feel nothing for you. I got up and walked out. It was a long week and they had joes wake Thursday. I said my good bys and came home. The next day charles calls to see how I am doing. I asked him why he was calling and he said he was worried about me and wanted to know if i was ok. So this friday night I called him and asked him if he wanted company and knowing how terrible he is i went over to his house and of cours same old same old. He held me in his arms til 5 in the morning. Sat he came over to my house and I was in the back yard sun tanning and he started rubbing oil on me and the same old same old happend. He also said he found my earing in his couch and I said put on the tabel. He leaves
    and sunday i looked at the earing it was not mine. So last night i called him to tell him it was not mine and he was nasty to me and said not to call him and hung up. I called him back and asked what the problem was and he told me he had company and never to call again. Of course I get dressed and go over to his house and knock on his door and he comes out screaming. You are nothing but a whore. In my house i have a good women and i care for her. He said i was nothing but a cheap whore and to leave him and his good women alone and never to come on his property again. Brad i have read every book i can read. i have read so many books i can write my own on this subject. why can i not practice what i preach. am i so fractured that my life will never change. I can not go to counciling no insurance and my job will be closing soon. iIlive in nc in the country and their are no support groups. I can not move i have no place to go. you know I tried to cry over this and I can not. I feel like i am empty. Why would someone get pleasure out of hurting someone.I read an article on why some people do this it is called contemptous delight. I have never met a sociopath until now. can you help me with your wise words

    jackie

  12. Brad K. says:

    Jackie,

    You have a bit of comfort in your life, those few moments in his arms. And although the rest of the time the bozo is twisted, abusive, and manipulative, you dearly want those precious moments to be true, that you have comfort in your life.

    So far, this is normal and expected human behavior. We treasure closeness, and the familiar. We fight to hang on, to grow our lives and our families. This is the reward for affection and love, the treasure that preserves a relationship.

    But you are unwilling to face what you know to be true, and are unwilling to do what you know you must.

    I don’t know your bozo. He might be intentionally misusing you, or he might be an amoral and opportunistic bastard that is willing to take what you are offering while it doesn’t cost him any time or effort, at his convenience.

    You have been using him for sex. While he was available, he didn’t mind. But you didn’t pick him to be a mate, you never established a long term relationship. You knew, for dead certain sure, that this was a man unsuited to being a responsible person, he has no character, he has no redeeming social value, outside those moments in your arms. This has been a sex adventure. Adventures skirt danger, give one a thrill, and end.

    Even though you want to see the moments with him in your arms as the truth, and want to expand that (or maybe just leave things loose and “free” for your own convenience), the truth is that convenience is all there is for you and him. At least, it was convenient for him until you wanted respect and caring and the attention you normally only expect from a mate. But you don’t have a mated relationship, and apparently neither of you really wants one. And you *do* want something casual, or you would be looking at guys free to form a bond.

    In one sense you are being unreasonable. You use him for sex, then confuse what you have with a relationship. You are not even according him the respect of “Friends with Benefits”, when you use the intimacy you shared as a lever to make him answer to your calls and questions.

    The choice seems to be between an ephemeral sex adventure and a life-mated, shared life. It seems to be one or the other, and only the shared life with a responsible mate of character, a family, is really stable.

    I am sad that your xbf passed away, and that you felt there were still unresolved things between you. That is one reason to avoid harsh words, too often life intervenes and we cannot undo the harm we cause.

    Stick to written, snail-mailed communications. I would seriously consider canceling any service for text messaging. Reserve emails for technical questions unrelated to real life. Never seal or mail a letter until at least the day after you write it.

    I found an article on web design, http://vietphotoshop.wordpress.com/2009/09/07/how-to-be-a-samurai-designer/, that relates a book on Samurai warriors to life and craft. Like most self-consistent approaches, the Hagakure has something that I think applies here – “Treat great matters gently”. On the important things, consider what you know, and what your options are on your own time, away from contact or conflict. Know what you know, what your goals are, and understand all aspects of what you want. Then, when you come in contact, base your actions on what you have since considered, make quick choices and act decisively on what you have determined to be a way to achieve what you wish.

    “Make decisions quickly” – never take more than seven breaths to make a decision, and act on it. Because you have considered the matter before making the decision, you will not doubt a decision. New information might change your choice, but until you get new information, you trust yourself, respect yourself, and accept the results of your choice.

    There is more in the article, and in the Samurai book and philosophy. And it really does pertain to life and relationships, about choosing goals and acting.

    Jackie, the Tarot teaches about change. When change happens, some things are lost in making room for the new. “Each journey ends, and a new journey goes forth.” Sometimes we can take our treasures with us on that next journey, other times we have to start over. “When a door is closed to us, a window is opened” – we don’t get to try that new opportunity, that newly opened windows, until that door gets slammed on us.

    Growth – change – is measured in pain and discomfort. I might have mentioned that before.

    There are lots of ways of describing that wall you face, the one that blocks out the sun, blocks out hope, blocks out any assurance that life could be better. But it always comes back to – that wall stands between you and yesterday. Turn around, accept what is, and choose to walk away. Chasing comfort in a man’s arms without the security and serenity of a home and a true life mate isn’t working. If you want more than a few minutes of comfort at a time, then you have to secure the relationship first. Then you can devote all your heart and energy within that relationship to gift, to expand, and to grow the joy of a home and family.

    Shame is not a natural feeling. Shame is always something taught by a culture to define and enforce rules. Different cultures define embarrassment and shame differently. In the US there are many that decry seeing a naked body; others happily pursue personal and family body acceptance – social recreational nudity – family oriented, non-sexual, organized recreation.

    You speak of shame, but not what you are ashamed about. Is it sex outside marriage? Is it knowing that he isn’t a suitable mate, you you look to him for some part of the role of a mate? Is it looking foolish for choosing to live without him in your life, yet again sharing sex with this flighty bimboid? Are you ashamed, mortified, and horrified that you *gasp* have trash that needed to go to the dump?

    Well, next time call your regular trash company, and ask for their advice in getting that trash hauled away. There is no reason to let finding yourself with trash to discard be an emotional issue. People have trash quite often, and many times they manage to get the trash disposed of without suffering shame and humiliation. Often, if you don’t call it trash, you can even list it on CraigsList or FreeCycle.

    Ever hear the make-believe prayer, “Lord, please grant me patience, and I want it *right now*!”? We develop patience, and concentration, and discipline by trying again. And again. And again. Note that you seldom try again if it worked the first time. Because we keep trying, we keep looking at the choices we make and try again, we find ourselves getting used to finishing what we start. Sticking to our resolve. Because we expect to try again, and keep trying, we get into the habit of expecting to see our choices through.

    Whether your neighbor does what he does because he is evil, because he is immature, whether he is emotionally damaged or emotionally incompetent – doesn’t matter. What matters in your life is whether you choose the people you will trust and depend on, or allow others to make those choices for you. What matters is whether you set boundaries, and use those boundaries to improve yourself and your community. What matters is learning to like and love yourself, learning to protect what is precious to you, learning that you must pick and choose how and when to share joy in life. What matters it that you learn yourself and your needs, so that in daily life the choices are obvious, clear, and simple to see, and what you need to do about them is also clear and as courteous as you can be.

    Again, a journal, a *very* private notebook can be essential in discovering who you are, what you need, who and what you respect, and what you have made part of your life that you don’t respect or trust. Write daily, at least. Perhaps select the two or three most important thoughts to list, and maybe describe. Those two or three things should be the biggest of the many, and may start out to be hurts and sorrows – but should, over time, become goals and dreams and desires, and people you admire for their character and events that you find joy and pride in how you participate. Ultimately, a counselor guides you to explore these same values. Check with your library, and see if there aren’t some self discovery resources available.

    Luck.
    .-= Brad K.´s last blog ..g: Image of self esteem =-.

  13. jackie says:

    Brad,
    Thanks again for the advice. My heart is heavy. I wish God would give me the wisdom I need to bring peace to my life.

  14. HeavyHeart says:

    I’m really thankful for this blog because it helps so much to know that I am not alone. I was seeing the same guy on and off for 2 years and truly felt like he was the most wonderful person ever. Early in the relationship he told me he was not ready to be in a relationship again (his previous one having been over for around 6-7 months or so). He’s a writer (not his day job) and would say stuff like he never had time to focus on his writing when he was with his ex. Then a few months later he broke things off with me because he felt we were getting too close and should just be friends. Eventually he came back and I let him and it was back to things as usual. We’d spend lots of time together, had lots of fun and were really each other’s best friend. He was pretty much there when I needed him.

    But then the relationship issue would come up again because of course, I only wanted to be with him and wanted us to be exclusive. He’d say stuff like he didn’t see me in a romantic way or I wasn’t someone he thought of having a relationship with or I’d get the “I’m just not ready now” response. I challenged him on his feelings and when he didn’t say what I wanted to hear I cut things off. We stopped seeing each other again for almost a year. I didn’t even talk to him for a while. But like a fool I let him back in again. The problem is I wouldn’t never cut off contact completely for long enough and we’d continue our “friendship”. The thing is, I truly considered him a friend, regardless of what happened to us romantically. He just seemed like someone who I could always count on and we had such a strong bond.

    Fast-forward to this summer, at which point we’d been seeing each other again for about 3 1/2 months. For my birthday in May he went above and beyond what he’d normally do. I saw him more that week than I normally would. He just kept doing and doing. I really felt we had made some real progress. When he’s HOT he’s hot. But then by end of June he was back to cold. And when I asked for more of his time, I got him asking what my expectations were. Pretty soon we agreed to stop sleeping together and just focus on our friendship. He stressed to me that he really was not ready for a relationship with anybody, that he had so much going on with his writing, his job, his brother (who was staying with him) and his sick grandmother who was in and out of the hospital (out of state). I truly believed that he just couldn’t deal with anymore right now. Then come to find out on his Facebook page a couple weeks ago that his status says “In a relationship”. Imagine my surprise. He tried to downplay the relationship with this girl he’s been talking to on and off for a year. I was hurt obviously because less than a month before he gave me the “not ready” speech and *poof* now he is? And with someone else? And then because I did truly consider him one of my closest friend’s, it hurt that he didn’t even just tell me and let me find out on FB.

    I don’t know for sure but I think this girl is younger than me and perhaps not doing as much as me career wise. He’s always seemed a bit intimidated by my career because as I’ve moved up he asks me less and less about my job while everyone else is excited for me. He’s very much the type that likes to be the man running things, that type of guy. I wonder if that has something to do with it.

    Anyway, that’s the long short version of the story. I could use any helpful tips on moving on. I’ve tried so many times before and always get sucked back in. This time he’s got a girlfriend and it hurts like hell. I have started dating again just to not be defeated and keep putting myself out there. I haven’t gone into a hole as I’ve done in the past and I’m out living my life. But when I’m alone or not busy the pain is still great. When does it get easier? And what are the best things to do to move on and stop obsessing on why he picked someone else instead of me?

  15. Lindsay Bluth says:

    First off, thank you NML for your site and your pinpoint observations and advice! I’ve been lurking for a few months, bought your book, and at this point am almost able to walk upright with the self-respecting non-fallback girls, lol.

    I’d LOVE to see more posts on this topic, namely how the AC/EUM is so able not only to move on to another pigeon so rapidly with NO regard for your feelings and despite all the intimacies and vulnerabilities you shared, but usually goes on (in my case anyway) to flaunt the new relationships and rub the fallback girl’s face in it…then goes on to fast track the whole thing to cohabitation and engagement. It’s like playing a losing slot machine all day to walk away and the very next person comes along and wins the jackpot!

    You’ve addressed the issue in this blog of course, but if you could follow it up with sequels to reinforce the idea or show additional perspective into this phenomenon, many of us would be able to make sense out of the nonsense.

  16. jen says:

    Lindsay Bluth…out of my own experience, I know EUM and assclowns usually are men who put women into categories, like bitches and holy madonnas, something like that. You will never ever get this, why you didn’t fit in their limited mind into holy madonna category and the other one did.

    The one thing is, who are them to judge, and the next one thing is (back focus on ourselves) do we want a man, that has such an imagination of women in generell? Like this person is someone to merry, I treat her with respect and the other one is a bitch, I can use her as I want to?

    It’s just my opinion, I know at least that my EUM devides women into that categories and I had an Ex, that is now a terrible player, but i was and still am his holy madonna. Although he treats me with respect and tells me everything about, how assclowns thinks and how much I must take care, I only have to shake my head about, how he is treating other women, and that is caused by somehow a limited chauvinistic mind….

    xxxjen

  17. Mel says:

    Thanks very much for this post. I was with an EUM for two years, and it was very on and off, very tumultuous, with me trying to walk away several times because something didn’t seem right – his habit of giving me the silent treatment, the bouts of lashing out at me and telling me to shut up, f*ck off, the accusations about how I was at fault for what went wrong because I was oversensitive and lacked trust and faith in him – but then always returning. I found out earlier this month that he was carrying on an emotional affair with someone else when I saw an email exchange with her (this after a month ago, I also saw texts of him meeting up – and lying about – meeting some other girl for a drink he met at a music gig… which ensued another fight, and me buying into the illusion that I was blowing everything out of proportion). This other woman is (or was now?) in a relationship with another guy, for almost 8 years. After I found out, I tried to break it off, then felt completely rejected, and then begged him to try to make our relationship work, with a month of my constant emails/ phone calls/ texts, just to get answers, just to understand why this had happened. And now he told me he wanted a month break to sleep with whoever he wanted, to see whether he wanted try again with me or not. He wasn’t sure if he wanted to commit to me or have children with me (he doesn’t have time to determine if this relationship will ‘work’ or is right whereas I, being 18 years younger than him, have time to ‘work’ on relationships) and this other person may be the right person for him. His words, not mine. I blamed myself, and still feel the sting of him pursuing someone else, while he was in a relationship with me, of slipping into another relationship with another person so quickly after he told me I meant to much to him. He said that she ‘put some doubt’ as to whether he was happy with me. He was a classic EUM – 46 years old, string of girlfriends (longest was 5 years, was what he called ‘successful’ where he had an affair on her). I think he also was with someone else when he started pursuing me.

    It is a classic case of him pursuing others that don’t require commitment – she being in a relationship (or maybe just exiting one), and him just getting out of one. He pursued me while I was married when my ex-husband and I were going separate ways. Not wise on my part. During that time he never expected anything, never demanded any commitment. And I understand why – because it must have been convenient.

    But this article and others on the website have been so encouraging and helpful. I want to get to the point where I no longer care whether or not he sticks with this other woman or gives her something that he didn’t give to me. It is as the post said – he is living – even if it is his half-life – and it is time I live fully for myself.

  18. S says:

    Amen to you last paragraph, Mel!

  19. MovingForward says:

    I am so happy to have found this site! I have been reading everyone’s posts and have decided to write my own. I was in an on again off again relationship with an EUM. He has done so many bad things to me, has told me to my face he doesn’t love me, but then led me to believe that he was being a jerk and is so sorry. I’ve dealt with his ex trying to ruin the relationship in the early stages and him being “confused.” I begged him to make things work..trying to prove to him that I am the better candidate. Although I droped him for about 2 months, he came slinking back…we got back together until recently he asked if he talked to other people would I still be around. I was shocked, upset…this happened one week ago. I know he is messing around with another woman right now and the thoughts are unbearable. I said how can you love me then ask me if you could talk to someone else as well. He goes “Idk,..it just happened!” I wonder who this new woman is…he told me she has “interesting qualities” and could be a “prospect.” It just really hurts when you do so much for a person and in the end they drop you so fast..

  20. Gayle says:

    Moving Forward,

    RUN Forward from this one!!!!

    Remember, the words are very easy, I think he has proven through his actions he is a horrible candidate as a partner. “It just happened!” What the hell is that???????

    Wishing you the best.

  21. Lisasquared says:

    This is all well and good, but what happens when you’ve been with someone for years and he ends it. How do you go on seeing the same friends etc. That is the part I’m having difficulty dealing with..being in the same room as him, as him and her.

  22. still hanging says:

    I dread this day. The day that he becomes two again. I had six years with him, mostly fixing him, but also loving him and trying to look past the faults that were presented. The end with an engagement that he lied about and a year and a half of abuse. I would never have coped that earlier on, but did in the end. We had forged a life like everyone else, lived together, bought a home and hid his bad behaviour. I thought I could fix him, I’m good at this you see as I have been doing it most of life. But it became more frequent and the love in the end just didn’t matter. I had lost me and of course had lost him long before. It has been 20 months since he went and everything sold with nothing to show for what was. I still wonder why? why did I fall for this love and behaviour and still have this grief. I see a professional about it but don’t seem to get very far. That is my story.

  23. genavive says:

    Hi NML,
    I just started reading your website about 2 wks ago, you have opened my eyes and answered all the questions that were on my mind for the past 10yrs or so… Through reading all this i realised i am you Fallback girl. I have been trying really hard to focus on myself this yr. Normally i’m the type of girl who gets into relationships, get treated bad, stay way too long in it, then decide to end it eventually. But the only way i have been able to get rid of my Mr. Unavailables is by replacing them with a new D-BAGS. I’ve always been emotionally attached to someone. So before i got the courage to end this past relationship, i had decided for one yr i’m gonna try to not be in a relationship and learn to be single, love myself, build my self esteem and really learn me and why i keep getting myself into these relationships with major Ass Clowns!!
    it’s been 4 wks since things ended with my Mr Unavailable. So far i’ve been doing good until yesterday when i decided i’m gonna snoop into his Facebook account… thats when i found out that he had moved on to the next one. That was really really hard for me to see. I have all this information, i know he’s not the right person for me and i know i wanna fall out of love with him but i was still deeply affected and hurt by it.
    He has confused me, used me, manipulated and lied to me over and over again but yet i’m still sitting here hurt and not able to sleep and eat… A part of me is really mad that i allowed that kinda person into my life. I’m mad at myself for still having feelings but i cant seem to shake him off… Why?? i need to be over him and i dont wanna be in love with him but i cant shake him off. Help!!!

  24. Pushing.Thru says:

    @Genavive and others here doing a little creepin’ on Facebook,
    (or what i like to call CrackBook or BragBook)

    Let me be clear….um…. DELETE HIM! If you still have him on your Friends list you are obviously not staying true to yourself and/or following the no contact rule. You may as well shut off your computer drive to his house, park in his driveway and watch his every move through binoculars. Facebook will KILL your progression!

    You should have him BLOCKED by now which means, no tagged pics are visible, no changes to his profile picture will make your stomach turn and no comments on any mutual friends photos or walls …..

    and God forbid you happen to see “(Enter toxic name here) is now in a relationship” EEK!!

    Hasn’t he hurt you enough?
    It’s for your own good, do it!

    a quote that i recently read and loved…
    “Life is like riding a bicycle… you gotta keep moving to gain balance”

  25. Nicole says:

    This one bugs me, too. My ex-AC has been in a new relationship for almost a year now. He and I are no longer friends, but it bothers me that he was so emotionally unavailable, blew hot and cold, etc. There were so many red flags in our relationship, I know he was not/is not good for me.

    So why is he good for her? Why is he still with her? I don’t want him back, but it seems so unfair that he could treat me so coldly, and not even care about my feelings. He said all his previous girlfriends broke up with him because of his behavior, so why is this one staying? He was with her within a month of our relationship ending, so there could not have possibly been time for change/growth.

    I just can’t seem to get past the feeling of being treated unjustly. I feel so hurt and betrayed, and he is just going about his life, as if he didn’t have a care in the world.

    It’s not fair that an AC gets to be such a jerk to one (or more) woman, and still get validated by another one. I really didn’t expect his new relationship to last this long, and it’s messing with my head that people who behave badly get rewarded.

    • Eve says:

      well..who knows what either of their motives are and I know it will take some time for the reality of that to sink in. Maybe she was convenient, maybe he’s leeching money of her, maybe she’ll do till something better comes along.

      Listen, people have all sorts of motives. I overheard one guy chatting to his friend that he was going to stay with his girl probably for the next 6months because even though they weren’t getting along so good, they’d just signed a 6month lease and he couldn’t afford a place of his own.

      Not everything that looks rosey from the outside is so good once you scratch the surface.

      How about spinning things a different way? He did you a favour, maybe he liked you enough not to get involved and treat you as bad as all the rest? That’s a more positive spin rather than thinking the guy is scumbag.

      Our thoughts are what we make them.

  26. Rebecca says:

    Hello Natalie! I am in a break up and am just miserable…I have read all these posts and I wish I had the strength to adhere to NC. I am being tortured by my Mr. Unavailable (MU). I am hoping to get help from others who have maybe been in a similar situation. My MU and I have known each other since we were 4 and 2, respectively. We grew up in the same neighborhood, our mothers were life-long friends and he and my brother were also very close. MU was my 1st crush and my 1st love. We moved to a different neighborhood when I was in 5th grade. Years past and his mother later moved right down the street from us again. He was back! We were in our late teens at this point and we shared our 1st kiss after we got over the initial “weirdness”. It was fantastic; everything I had imagined it would be and better.

    We had a great time together yet kept it a secret so we didn’t involve the families. They may not approve of us seeing each other. At this point we were now in our late teens. As young people do, we went on to see other people but we always loved each other. He got into music and played in a band touring the U.S. I got into a long term relationship (12 yrs) even though I always thought about MU. He was always in the back of my mind. During this time my mother and I attended his wedding (his wife to be was 6 mos. pregnant!) He later told me that was the only reason they got married.
    In 2008 MU left his wife and I broke it off with my at the time boyfriend. My ex and I were in a “just friends” kind of relationship. I thought everything was now the way it was always meant to be since we were together. We were so happy in love.
    After a period of bliss, bad things began happening. In the past few years our relationship had been slammed with tremendous challenges but this is life, right? It started with me getting laid off from my job then he did as well. My grandmother died (we both witnessed her last breath). Shortly after that my sweet mother became terminally sick. I had to stop the job I was then working to care for my mom. It was very heartbreaking. We moved from my apartment into my mother’s home and my brother lived with my mom in my grandmother’s old home. The whole time we were struggling financially as many couples have been. He had sporadic work and wasn’t really able to contribute like he wanted. I had essentially been taking care of him. During this whole time his 2 daughters came to see us every other weekend. I made sure they had everything they needed when they were with us. My mother passed away in January of this year. I had started to work again but got laid off again in June. He had actually talked to my brother in May about marrying me and we were talking about where we would have the ceremony. I thought things were only going to get better as we had already been through hell and back. And above all else we were best friends having known each other since we were children.
    I found out in early July through text messages on his phone that he had been introduced to a woman that is 10 years older than me. She is very financially stable and has a life that is more structured than mine. I found out they spent a few days together at her home during the July 4th holiday while he told me he was helping a friend and visiting his kids. I was Blindsided by all of this.

    Since this happened, he has moved out of my house about 45 minutes away. This is where I need help… He won’t leave me alone! The day after I found out all of this from his texts he went to stay with her for 4 days (she lives 2 hours away). While he was gone I was Miserable! I have never felt so much betrayal and pain in my entire life. He came back to get some things after those 4 days and the pain was lessened. Mind you, I have never been so vulnerable in my whole life than at this time. I feel as though I have lost everything. He asked me if he could stay the night but that he would have to use the phone upstairs. He played it like he was somewhere else talking to her! I don’t know why I allowed this- I just hurt so bad so I took him back with his stipulations. That night has been repeated 4 to 5 nights of the week for 3 weeks now. I can’t believe I have allowed this to continue. Please help me with advice!
    I thought my MU was the one and how could he do this to me. How could he take advantage of me like this? Am I just allowing myself to be the back up if she can’t help him with whatever he thinks she can help him with. I feel like I need to let this woman know how he is playing us both so she will know the person he really is. I have loved my MU since I was a child so I am having trouble letting him go. I used to be his fiancée and now roles have reversed and I am the Other woman! Please help! Should I let this woman know so she is also being used? I need the strength to initiate and keep NC!

    • Rebecca says:

      And it is killing me to know that I have been there for him all these years helping him through his rough times and then she will benefit from this “better man”. If you can call it that.
      Why wasn’t I good enough? I suppose all the struggles we’ve had got to be too much for him so he just bailed and thinks he’ll move on to greener pastures. I guess better I know now than 20 years from now. I’m just having a hard time accepting what he’s done and why he keeps coming around me.
      He says I love you and I want to spend time with you. Well than why did you leave me? He has also told me that if I contact this woman he will never speak to me again and no one in his family will either. I feel like I’ve already lost 2 daughters.
      Do I just let it go? How can I though? I hate myself because I still love him. If you ever watched Sex in the City, he was always my Mr. Big. I am currently not working ( I am desperately seeking good employment), I have lost my mother this year, too and I just feel like I’m so alone. Being with him, I kind of isolated myself from other friends so feel more alone than ever.
      I also have relapsing remitting MS, you wouldn’t necessarily know by looking at me but it scares me. Especially going out into the crazy dating world again!
      I just can’t break free from him. Maybe the best thing is to tell the woman so he want ever call me anymore?
      Thanks everyone for letting me vent. I welcome your advice :)

      • grace says:

        Rebecca
        There is a strong element of fantasy here – crushing, first love, everything you imagined, not telling your parents, happy in love, bliss, best friends (despite his deeply unfriendly behaviour), loved him since you were a child. That’s youth (though it can affect any of us), hormones, fantasies. Sometimes it moves onto something worthwhile and lasting, mostly it doesn’t. the reality isn’t that you were in a wonderful romance (NO ONE IS). You get together, you see other people, he marries someone else, he leaves her, you take care of him and his kids, he dangles the marriage carrot but doesn’t followup, he cheats on you and cheats on his new girlfriend. Why weren’t you good enough? Let’s see his first wife “isn’t good enough”, you “aren’t good enough” and his new girlfriend “isn’t good enough”? Maybe HE isn’t good enough?
        You may have been genuine friends when you were kids and your biggest responsibilities were barbie and a toy truck but in adult life he is simply not stepping up. He can’t even break up with you properly.
        As for telling the OW or new girlfriend or whatever she is, I say don’t. I don’t think you can deal with any negative consequences. And who’s to say he won’t just spin her a line and she’ll buy it? After all, YOU know the truth and you’re still there. Look after no. 1.
        Lots of women here have stories similar to yours and many say they are lonely, have no job, no friends, no family. My mission is to tell you that crappy relationships are like a shackle. They damage all areas of your life. The answer isn’t to cling to the crap, it’s to cut it loose. You probably won’t find a keeper straightaway but you’ll be able to grieve, refocus, regroup, grow. And that’s when you find him, if you so wish. And if you don’t, well, at least you’re not dragging a load of crap around.
        And Mr Big?I thought he was a knob in a nice suit. It’s just a tv series/film but trust me on this, as I’m probably 20 years older than you, that marriage is not going to last. If it does, it will be because Carrie continues to pretzel herself into a whiny man-pleaser while Big chases younger women around the office.

        • Rebecca says:

          Grace…Thank you for the reply. I greatly appreciate your words. When you’re in a situation like this it is rather difficult to think and act logically or with good sense. I know in my heart of hearts that I need to AVOID him at all costs. I suppose that is when I have to completely accept what is happening. And that is tough- today actually marks 1 month that I found those text messages on his phone. (Actually the phone that I bought and the phone that I pay the bill on as its in my name).

          I am in the process of losing my home and dealing with a health issue that is exacerbated by stress so I have felt like I am in the process of losing just about everything. I lost my mom in June and since I was laid off in June, I don’t have 8 hours a day to preoccupy myself. I know that everything together has made me feel less than I really am. Everything just happens at once, right? I know that’s why I have taken him back in, I suppose I have been trying to hold on to at least 1 thing. But alas, I know that I have to let him go, too.

          I told him that if he were anyone else and he did this to me he would not step foot back in my house and I would tell him to **** off. But since I had known him almost my whole life and he was not just some guy, I have been torturing myself. It is very painful indeed and hurts more knowing the woman he left me for is wealthy and has everything I don’t. If I didn’t know that maybe it would be easier? I feel beat down but I must stand up and reclaim myself. I know I am too good for him and I need to accept THAT!
          I am going to do my best to kick him to the curb like trash. I know that I am better than how I’m letting him treat me. I must reclaim myself. I know this is going to be very painful but less painful than if I continue on this way…
          Wish me luck and strength!

  27. Eliza says:

    My story is the same and yet different. I have been seeing a guy for 7 years who I believed was single when I first started seeing him although apparently he wasn’t. We had been friends and then a year after my divorce we started to see each other. At first it suited us friends who went out and enjoyed good sex. Then just under two years ago he moved another woman intro his house and bought another house out of the city which they visit every weekend together. Up until then we used to meet up at his place all the time. I went from being what I believed was the woman to the other woman. His relationship with this woman is not sexual however she believes herself to be the only woman and has accepted the arrangement she does not know about me. We still see each other less frequently spend the night together go to dinner and the theatre. It’s been very difficult and hurtful because we live close to each other and I am often confronted by her or them together. I have sold my house as I do not like being in this position which has upset me and my children and am trying to relocate my life. Its very hard not to compare and ask why her and not me. He wants to have his cake and eat it too.

  28. Anna says:

    But…. Who is to say that their new relationship will be a “happy” one??

    I went through all this 14 years ago with my sons father.
    He married my love rival, Cherie, after I finally dumped him, for messing me around for 3 years- cheating between both of us. Cheating on me when I was pregnant. I was left with no money or emotional support. They thought themselves superior and better than me because they both worked and had luxury… while I was single mom struggling in poverty.
    Now 11 years on, I hear from my son that he is STILL cheating on Cherie, she discovered another affair!
    But now shes had 3 kids to him and gained 45lbs, lost her figure and her youth.
    I have since settled down with an amazing man, a successful CEO, hes great husband (4 years together) and loyal lover… My best friend. There are some good men out there… Keep looking.
    And my arrogant ex has gone bankrupt, but I keep my laughter to myself. Yes I laugh a lot these days.

    Read the “Rules” read “why men love bitches”

    Dont settle for a player.

My Book - Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl

Stop believing that you did something to make them unavailable or that their inadequacies are down to your inadequacies - it is not about you; they are unavailable!