He’s with someone else - Why her and not me?
There are variations of this common question being asked around this site. The common scenarios are:
You’ve broken up with him and now he’s dating someone else and they look so happy together.
He said he didn’t want to be in a relationship and now he’s flaunting his latest.
He said he wasn’t going to choose you over his wife/girlfriend and now he’s got a replacement Other Woman.
He said he didn’t want to get married and now he’s engaged or married.
He said he wouldn’t leave his wife and now he has…for a different girl.
How come he’s so happy with her? It must be my fault the relationship didn’t work.
Why her and not me? Why, why, why, why, WHY?
The fact that you’re asking this says that you still want him even though he’s demonstrated that he doesn’t see the value in you or being with you, that you’re obsessing about him and the relationship, and that you don’t want to move on because often when we ask these questions, they are with regard to men who probably aren’t worthy of our time.
Now, I’m not going to say that it’s not a question that doesn’t run through many a person’s mind but when it becomes damn near an obsession and it prevents you from letting go and focusing on yourself, something is very wrong.
If you are obsessing about the relationship, him, the who, what, why’s and when’s, the shoulda, woulda, couldas, and the can’t, won’t, don’ts, you are either in standstill or regressing into the past because obsessing is about looking for reasons to blame yourself and trying to reason out things that there aren’t necessarily answers for.
And here is the kicker:
Him choosing to do something after the relationship with you has ended is not about you; it’s about him.
You are putting yourself at the centre of his decision to be with someone else or his actions after you. In reality, that’s giving yourself too much credit for impact, and him too much credit for actually having that much connection to his thoughts!
It’s not about you. It’s about him.
It’s not about her because you are two different people and the likelihood is that if he was f*cked up when you were with him and he’s taken up with someone else, he hasn’t changed which means that there is something about the relationship with her that let’s him believe that he can continue being himself.
You also need to remember that with men who habitually mess women around, they ALWAYS blow hot at first which means that when you are losing your mind obsessing over him, he’s going through the same hot phase that he treated YOU to at the beginning. But eventually, lukewarm or downright cold kicks in.
Again because it is about him, just like when we kneejerk our way into dating and quickly start dating another guy or choose an opposite and end up with a ‘nice guy’ that we eventually admit bores us or we claim is ‘too nice’, men do exactly the same thing too because they have their own insecurities.
Especially when it comes to assclowns and habitually emotionally unavailable men, they need attention in the form of ego stroking, a convenient shag, and a smokescreen that let’s themselves believe that they are not the assclown that they actually are.
Some need to prove they’ve still got ‘it’, some are afraid to look in the mirror and see themselves for what they are, some are afraid of what it means to have another ‘failed’ relationship, and some just like having someone there.
A new woman that’s not wisened up to his him yet is fresh meat but eventually, when she expects too much or sees through him, he’ll be revealing his usual self.
What about men that leave you and meet someone else that they end up marrying/getting engaged to/ or essentially doing more than they did with you?
This is why I keep telling women to stop trying to raise men from the ground up and change them because the overwhelming likelihood is that it’s the NEXT woman that profits from your rennovation whilst you sit there in negative equity!
There is no ‘logic’ to why these men do what they do but one thing that is at the heart of it is that if you are a woman that accepts poor behaviour from a man because she thinks it shows how much she loves him and how willing she is to make the relationship work, you only get penalised for it because the types of men that behave in this manner and watch you accept it recognise that you can’t respect or love yourself enough if you put up with their behaviour. On some level they realise that if you want them, something can’t be right.
Often with the next woman, she won’t put up with the same crap so he tries much harder. That’s not to say that he won’t revert to himself at a different juncture but right now (and you know that most of these men don’t think too far ahead), she seems ‘different’.
It’s as simple as this. If you met an attached guy and stood by his side whilst he went home to his wife, he’d mark you down for it. If you met an attached guy who when he disclosed the fact that he was in a relationship, you told him to take a run and jump and kept telling him to go and to come back when he’s got his house in order, he’d actually have greater respect for you.
Not every woman puts up with poor behaviour from men. They recognise red flags, have clear boundaries and know when to opt out because they recognise that these men are no good. These are the ones that these foolish men will pursue and often lose their minds over. If you’re a Fallback Girl, they’ll slink back to you in between…
But ultimately, there is no absolute answer to the question of ‘Why her and not me?’ What I do know is that there is absolutely nothing to be gained by it and obsessing about it represents yet another avoidance tactic where instead of taking the focus off him and bringing it back to you, you instead look for reasons to stay emotionally invested in the situation even when he’s gone.
What is there to be gained by knowing why he’s with her? The fact that he’s moved on shows that YOU should move on pronto, not be putting your life on hold to obsess about him and the new relationship.
Even if you sat there and analysed every conversation, action, flick of the hair, and slip of the tongue over your entire relationship, it’s a waste of your time that will never give you all the answers.
You’re not seeing the wood for the trees. Instead of asking ‘Why her and not me?’, you should be asking ‘What is it about my relationship habits that had me in this relationship?’ or ‘Why am I pining for someone who doesn’t want, love, or respect me?’
Look at the bigger picture and see beyond him and the new relationship and focus on washing him out of your mind and life, and ensuring that you don’t fall into the same traps. He’s her problem now, NOT yours.
Your thoughts?
My new book How to Lose an Assclown in 90 Days is due out soon but if you want to get ahead on understanding your relationship struggles, especially with emotionally unavailable men, there is also my ebook, Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl. Find out more and download.
Noelle November 7th, 2008, 7:27 pm
My obsessing is bad because I’m obsessed with his past. I’m still with my EUM and am trying to break away and will work on that BUT, this is what I’m going through and have always gone through (the one before me). We met 3 months after they broke up. She was married when they met to a man in jail. He told me that she told him she had filed divorce papers then was going to file etc. etc. She never did and wound up going back to her hubby when he got out of jail. He has said to me, I’m amazed at what I thought I was in love with. His oldest daughter told me that she thought they would get married. And, here I sit…wondering what it was about her that made him so sure of how he felt about her when he tells me he loves me but is trying to figure it out. I have even started a conversation with him, but you knew you were in love with her and his response was this…at the time I thought I was but looking back I don’t really think so and I think it was more of the fact that I wasn’t getting my way (meaning her leaving the husband). That makes no sense to me. She has a myspace page and I go on almost every day and look at it. Its sick and makes me feel sick but I can’t stop. So, I’m the reverse…I obsess over the past. I’m even jealous! I feel crazy!
Dazedandconfused November 7th, 2008, 7:33 pm
My mother often talks to me about being “comfortable” with the person you are with.
My EUM made up lies, not just about cheating or where he was he lied to me about his past and often times completely hid it indicating to me there was some embarrassment or insecurity.
Men do have insecurities NML is totally right. The new girl that my EUM is with he has described as young and unsuccessful. He often expressed resentment towards me for things I had, the friends I hung out with, my education, my job. They may be happy with these new women because often there is great relief that comes from getting away from people with standards. I think still in today’s society there is an expectation for men to be the breadwinners and they still want to be admired by their women.
So look at the women they are with, while you might not know them it’s quite possible they are more laid back, easy going, less attractive perhaps and that makes the EUM feel safe, adored, and like there is no pressure for them to be better either.
Their version of happy might not be ours… it goes back to that common ground post. In the end, these men are probably not going to be alone forever and we have to accept that. But just because they are not alone and they are happy does not mean it’s a happy that would suit our needs.
Jenn November 7th, 2008, 7:43 pm
I think it’s because men, even assclowns, need to feel a sense of challenge and pursuit. Fallback Girls are too easy in too many ways(versus the woman in Noelle’s past who wouldn’t leave her husband).
Noelle November 7th, 2008, 7:52 pm
Jenn, I have thought that to. And his saying “It was more that I just couldnt’ get my way”…was admitting it was the challenge more than just real feelings. Their relationship lasted 6 months and I’vebeen with him 17 months and I say to myself…DANG! I think about what he said and try to take comfort in that that but still have that same feeling “what was so great about her”…its because I’m insecure and have no self esteem!
BBP November 7th, 2008, 8:17 pm
My EUM is with the girl he cheated on me with (well, one of them) and I obsessed over her and him together for a long time - months. I love what Dazedandconfused said: So look at the women they are with, while you might not know them it’s quite possible they are more laid back, easy going, less attractive perhaps and that makes the EUM feel safe, adored, and like there is no pressure for them to be better either.” This totally describes her to a T. Even my therapist said he chooses to be with her because it’s easy and he doesn’t have to do any work or even try to be a good guy in any way (fyi: she knows all about me b/c I told her, and she went back to him anyway. She, on the other hand, was the last “Bad Thing” he did to me and I bailed, thank god).
I will also add, though, that the good old “No Contact” rule really, really does wonders for getting over worrying about the new girl. Eventually you really do just stop caring about him and what he’s doing in general. I’m about two and a half months out with absolutely no contact whatsoever - not even a sighting - and I can say that I honestly feel about 75% less interested in what’s going on, and that percentage is only getting bigger. In fact, I’m actually starting to feel embarrassed that I was ever involved with him in the first place. I’m getting my life back!
Please believe that sticking to no contact works. Think of it this way, if you start walking away from a place, and keep walking and walking and walking, eventually you will be so far away from the original spot that there will be no sense in turning around and looking back. You WILL feel better, I swear.
Lori G November 7th, 2008, 8:19 pm
I agree with dazedandconfused, but also can relate to the obsessing that Noelle is going through.
The only thing here that lead me out of the obsessing was doing exactly what NML says to do. Start realizing why a person keeps attracting these type of people. It really isn’t about them it’s about us the ones who think we can love him right, steer him straight and let them control level of the relationship. The hardest part is and always will be never letting them back in. I fell into that trap of letting my EUM come back one too many times after I had told myself NO CONTACT. It drug me down to the point where I finally had to wake up and ask myself what had changed. Nothing with him had changed, it got worse, the dissapearing acts went for a longer time, he got meaner, he disrespected me even more than before, etc.
Be glad that your EUM has found someone else, as NML says he’s blowing steamy HOT at her and it will turn to warm, cool and then COLD just as you experienced. He has not changed, but YOU CAN!
You hold the key to your own well being, your own destiny, your own happiness, everything. When you focus on yourself you empower yourself. You’re lucky to have NML and this website and if you don’t have her book, download it TODAY. It’s one of the best things you can do for yourself, to empower yourself, to build a better life for yourself, and to allow yourself to experience happiness.
I found this statement from another blog, I hope it helps you as much as it helped me.
“How she wished she could stop obsessing about her former boyfriend… To this, her thoughtful friend replied, “See now that’s your problem. You’re wishin’ too much, baby. You gotta stop wearing your wishbone where your backbone oughtta be.”
Believe in yourself, you deserve so much more and so much better and know that you aren’t alone. We’re all right here with you.
Daisy November 7th, 2008, 8:23 pm
Dazedandconfused, you are absolutely right with what you said! My EUM is dating someone, me being the OW and I couldn’t believe she was preferred over me! Im much more successful/prettier/thinner than her, and I think that was the whole thing that made me obsess about things like how I couldn’t better myself anymore than I have, but I still wasn’t good enough! My ego took a good beating! But if I think about it, im more successful than him, so maybe it was the whole “breadwinner” thing. Well thinking about that makes me feel a little better anyway. Any more thoughts on this? I just have to say I love this site so much, I don’t know what I would have done without it when I was feeling at my lowest! Thankyou so much NML
Dazedandconfused November 7th, 2008, 8:56 pm
Daisy the only other thing that I can add to this is that being the controlling, obsessive woman that I am (I say this with some humour) I am sure I drove him nuts BUT these are the same qualities that make me successful in life. I like to know what I am doing Friday on Tuesday, I plan ahead, organize my social life, etc. He likely would have called me at 745 on a Friday to hang out at 8. Does this make him a bad person? Not necessarily, but, and other people can beg to differ, but I find these guys are not often planners. They are fly by the seat of their pants adventurers. So in the same line of thinking, it’s possible that these guys are more comfortable with these other women. And it’s not to say that the new women are not also good, successful people but they may just be more suited to each other.
The other thing that struck me about Lori’s comment is that these men keep coming back and why? Let’s face it they were not happy either and they keep coming back. We take them out of weakness but why do you think they come back? I have a theory that they really have no idea what they are looking for either. My ex went from a long relationship, to me, to this new girl right away. Do you really think he has found the one within weeks of being with me? I think they look for cute and fun. Ok maybe she’s smart, or even has a good job… does not mean that they are suited to making a life work.
We are women looking for “something” and it’s why we often analyze these guys to death. I don’t think they are really thinking it through like we are. Few me do. So it’s easy just to find the next warm body when your list is “breathing, female.”
Dazedandconfused November 7th, 2008, 9:00 pm
Long and the short of it before I sign off someone recently said to me “not everyone is going to like you in life.” Basically, while it sucks that we could not make it work with these men I find the reality is “if we were not happy why should they be?”. If we are going to find someone better for us so are they.
Sometimes people just aren’t meant to be… we aren’t going to “work” with everyone and that can be a good thing. You will never lose the love of your life… if you do that’s not what they were.
Astelle November 7th, 2008, 9:04 pm
I have read somewhere: “The Abuser doesn’t change, it is the victim that changes.”
No contact is the ONLY way to remove yourself.
Astelle November 7th, 2008, 9:13 pm
Dazed, they come back because they know they CAN come back.
Once they know the door is completely shut they will eventually stop.
If a man, that is not committed to me, calls me at 7:45 to get together at 8PM, means his plans fell through, I am plan B.
Lori G November 7th, 2008, 9:13 pm
Dear Dazedandconfused: You’ve hit it on something interesting here. The point you made about them not knowing what they are looking for either. So now what’s the equation here, two people who are floundering, stumbling and searching for somebody without having any idea as to what they want, or what they’re doing. Logically speaking that doesn’t equate to successful now does it? So true about finding the next warm body when your criteria list is merely a “breathing female”.
Lesson to be learned by all of us I think is that we need to know what WE want in a relationship and from another person before we attempt to find someone to share our lives with. We need to work on ourselves so that we are looking for the right stuff. No more stumbling around and settling for less than we deserve.
ivyowl November 8th, 2008, 2:26 am
This is kinda disgusting. For those of you who are following my story, I was looking forward to “no contact” in early Oct. No it has not happened yet. I am still in contact with him and working for him.
I beat myself up for not being able to pull away when he was putting me second to Valerie. Now he has left me for her, I still can’t pull away.
And he is being such a prince to her too. I get to watch this man be so wonderful and devoted and loving to someone else.. it torments me
Except sometimes when we are talking business he will suddenly mention all the sexual things he would do to me were i there..(.I never see him. I work online). It is pretty heavy flirting and it shows very little real loyalty towards Valerie. Not to say he is cheating or tries to cheat..he refuses to see me at all even for business. And he seems to feel guilty for the flirting and he tells me he should quit…but keeps doing it anyway.
And I am afraid he will end contact eventually out of guilt for flirting with me. He will feel I am the cause of his disloyality even though I do nothing to trigger the flirting.
Steve didn’t want to lose her so he commited to her. But he is not ready. He is still married and I work for him so I see how complicated and involved this divorce is. Instead of realizing she was dealing with someone not ready for a committment and looking elsewere..she pushed for a commitment and now they are living together.
Don’t know what the outcome of this is going to be. But I do know this now. I don’t want to be giving ultimatiums to my guy when I find him. I want him to be wanting to be committed and I want him to initate it! I want him to be the first to mention exclusitiveness and marriage! Let HIM push for commitment! If I have to give threats then maybe he isn’t ready to be committed.
This means if I see a guy is not into commitment and might be willing to cave in just because I want it…it is not good enough for me. I need someone who wants it like I do. So it means I need to walk away from a guy who just isnt ready or wanting commitment! Because I believe that if you have to give an ultimatium… you already lost.
myalmostlover November 8th, 2008, 6:02 am
In my case my xEum was playing both of us at the same time. He introduced her into our relationship after a year and a half together. She was an ex gf and she went after him with a vengence. It was too late when I started noticing the disappearing acts and the weird phone calls. The thing is, if I hadn’t broken up with him we would still be together. He wanted to play both of us and in the end I walked away.
So now he is with her. I have no idea how he treats her, I know that she is very clingy and needy. I always believed that women that acted that way were not attractive but apparently he likes the ego stroke. All I know is the whole thing makes me feel like crap.
I broke NC after two months very briefly but its back on again. I really know that he has moved on and I want to stop thinking about them. I joined a gym and I’m going to try and get in as many classes as I can and work on myself. I dropped out of the dating sites. I’m dating one guy and that’s it. Nothing earth shaking yet but I’m giving him a chance to see where it goes. I’m not comparing him to my xEUM like I had been doing. I’m trying to forget the assclown that broke my heart. In the end I don’t think he’s going to be any better to this woman then he was to me. We were together for two years, they’ve only been together a few months. He’s still blowing hot, I’m sure he’ll be lukewarm or even cold by next year.
Some days are still very difficult. Those are the days that I start obsessing. I know I shouldn’t but I do. I try to do it less and less. I hope I can exercise myself out of this depression because that’s what it is. I don’t care if the man is an assclown or not, when someone cheats on you and betrays you it hurts like hell, a lot, for a long time. You just have to go with the flow, do NC and try to get on with your life. But it doesnt’t happen over night.
I compare it to when I got my divorce, I thought that I would be a happier women and in many ways I was. But I traded one set of problems for another. I had less money, I had children to raise alone, I worked longer hours.and I was lonely. So even when we leave the assclowns and do NC, we don’t magically become whole women again in a blink of an eye. We stuggle, we cry, we obsess , we hurt. It’s human nature. Nobody likes rejection.
Do I wish things had turned out different? Yes. Do I think that since he cheated on me that eventually he will cheat on her. Yes. I don’t thing she’s anything different or special, just a new conquest, someone to adore him and please him. She’s in for a very bumpy ride. He is not going to magically change his behavior. He is what he is.
The good thing to come out of this is I’ve learned from this experience. I’ll never again wrap my life around a man. I want to love myself first and be able to give from a postion of strength not weakness. I hope I will find love again, that I will find a good man and be happy but I won’t compromise myself to get it. That will probably increase my chances of finding it.
dazedandconfused November 8th, 2008, 6:28 pm
I was thinking about a lot of this and myalmost lover your post mentioned something that was in line with my thinking… while the good thing about this website is that we can realize that these men are EUMs I also think it’s really important to focus on their other qualities. What I mean is… let’s say they become emotionally available would you actually want them?
Part of being so desperately alone is that we idealize these men and I am really trying to hard to think of my ex in a realistic light. It goes back to an early comment here too where someone mentioned having to figure out what we are looking for. Because we went in totally unsure of ourselves and unaware many of us just molded ourselves to these men and a lot of what we “liked” about them has just become what we think we want. Also, so much of our feelings towards them are attached to the feeling of a void being filled which can be very powerful and addictive.
While emotional unavailability is a major issue, I realized with my EUM for example that I am not so sure his communication had much to do with being emotionally unavailable but, rather, he just communicates poorly (or let’s say differently). I have good female friends who are terrible about calling, returning text messages I don’t care when they do it because I am not emotionally engaged with them as I am a romantic relationship. So maybe try not to spend time wondering if this man has “changed” because he appears to be caring for another person. Are there not things about him that were not great that had nothing to do with emotional unavailability… I find it hard to believe that we were all dating the perfect man but he just isn’t in touch with himself.
I have been making my list lately about what I want… loyalty, open, honest, communicative… and I realized that maybe my EUM didn’t do some of these things because he is EU BUT he was super private about his past, he likes to fly by the seat of his pants, he is compulsive and therefore likes to organize his time how he wants, he’s quite selfish, he’s not remotely close to his family… I do not think those things are going to change even if he does meet a woman who whips him in to shape and doesn’t accept his crap. He is not going to become a whole new man just as I am always going to be an A type personality who likes to talk things out and who plans my week out.
So I guess try and be realistic… while it’s important that we realize we let ourselves get treated poorly and therefore need to work on us, I feel like many of us, including myself, are fearful of letting go because we think “what if we are better could it work then?” and so we try and monitor if these guys have changed because then we delude ourselves into thinking it could work. I am sure emotional unavailability plays into their ways but I believe this is a deeper character issue too, it goes back to how we were all raised, our values about communication and problem solving with a partner etc. those are fundamental things in building a long term relationship with someone and are deeply rooted in these men.
keri November 10th, 2008, 2:41 pm
Oh man… this post makes so much sense to me right now.. thanks…
i had a conversation with the eum on friday after going to the house where we used to live together (we are stuck in the lease till january and had to do something with the house while he was at work) and saw reminants of his new girlfriend at the house… the bed clearly now had 2 people sleeping there.. and her stuff was there.. her toothbrush on the sink….2 coffee cups… oh my god… my stomach lept into my throat… he he happier now with her? without me?? do they do what we used to do together? all these stupid questions have plagued me all weekend long…
what is wrong with me?? ugh.. I’m the one that left because I got nothing emotionally and gave him all of me and I was emotionally starving and I KNOW that…. Why can’t i just freaking move on? What the heck? I’m so dissapointed with myself…. Why does it sting SO hard when I am the one that left???? I feel like an idiot. My friend say that I should stop beating myself up and just accept that I feel sad.. but I keep pushing it away.. like I don’t FEEL this pain.. FEEL sad that it didn’t work out… I DO!! I’m SAD!!!! I really wanted this to work but I had to leave for my own emotional well being… I knew he wasn’t the type of person to make me feel loved like I made him feel.. i knew if I wanted that in my life I was going to have to leave despite me not really wanting to.. I knew that I couldn’t change him… that’s why I left…
so even though I KNOW that.. Why does it still hurt so? Ugh.. again.. dissapointed in myself. I know better. I know this has to do with my lack of self love.. I KNOW THAT! Then why can’t I just wise up and freaking get over it…
saddest thing is.. I have someone in my life now that is ABLE to give me that emotional “full meal”… instead of crumbs.. and I quote NMLs book “Mr Emotional and the Fallback girl” …” If you’re used to receiving crumbs, and somebody is offering you a full meal at the table of love, dessert and all, it can be pretty scary for the unititiated..”
yea… to say the least.
Help? I have been reluctant to reach out for help.. just help to help others.. but I don’t know what to do here.. I know this has to do with me.. and yet I still feel like I can’t let go!!
So yea.. this post makes sense.
ReginaToxicodendronDiversilobum November 10th, 2008, 6:00 pm
Keri, how many days into NC are you? There is a certain period of time where you just give yourself permission to freak out. You are detoxing from a drug, and you just have to live through the withdrawal phase
But why did you have to go back to the house? I bet you were snooping, you went so that you could find something hurtful and set back your recovery time. And you found it. Next time, if you “need” anything from the house, get a friend to take care of it, and make them promise not to tell you anything about what they saw of his post-you life.
Welcome to rehab, hope you can stay here with us! Take care of yourself, lots of hot baths and so forth.
keri November 10th, 2008, 6:08 pm
Regina.. hard to do NC when you still have your stuff at the house.. I totally agree.. I should have brought a friend.. wasn’t snooping.. I STUPIDLY had been paying for 1/2 the cable and I decided..with the help of the “full meal” guy.. that that was enough of that.. so I HAD to go to the house to pick up the cable boxes to disconnect the service in my name.. So I HAD to go to the house.. I didnt’ want to… I know that in the past i’ve been there to partially snoop.. this time it wasn’t cause I was out to snoop.. ugh.. gross..
Lease is up in Feb 1st.. out by mid-january.. two more months then can OFFICIALLY start NC… this SUCKS!
this whole thing is my parents.. i didn’t receive love from them so it’s easy to lean toward someone who feels vaguely familiar.. someone else who gave me no emotional support.. I feel like the little girl being taken away to foster care.. NO!! don’t do it.!!! Don’t take me away!!! . even though I KNOW my environment wasn’t healthy for me…
pretty pathetic.. ugh.
ReginaToxicodendronDiversilobum November 10th, 2008, 6:39 pm
Keri, how come you can’t get your stuff out now? Storage unit? And why doesn’t she take over your part of the rent, if she is living there. It’s bad enuff that you have to know that they are together at y’alls house, much less paying her rent!!!! Oh, I bet that is because YOU were the one with the credit and refs good enough to get the lease and it’s in your name and you don’t want a black mark on your rental history. A wild guess. You could insist tho, that if you don’t get to live at the house, neither can she. Or even him. Why does he get the house, and where are you living?
keri November 10th, 2008, 7:25 pm
Regina.. Sorry.. this is a LONG STORY… Sorry I didn’t go into background..it’s a long and jerry springer like story… trust me.. I’m feeling better now..She’s not living there. she’s just staying overnite now.. And why should I pay for storage unit when I still have to pay rent.. can’t do it… i know it would be healthier..but I can’t afford it.
It’s a long story.. all i know is that this is almost over and then i can officially begin to heal.. starting with NC… just gotta hold on 2 more months…
BBP November 10th, 2008, 8:40 pm
myalmostlover - my guy was the same deal - - wanting us both, playing us off each other. She is clingier, not as pretty, not as smart, a housewife (married, with kids!) - generally not nearly as available or as cool as me. In fact she has very few friends that I know of because she is so annoying - his own best friends don’t even like her. But I’m sure she does everything for him, and no matter what crappy things he does to her, she keeps coming back for more. I wondered for a long time how I could have been cast off for her, and I hated her, but I realize that she really IS what he wants, and that is someone who has no spine and is more f*d up than the last girl. He doesn’t want to have to put in any work. And really, what he wanted was both of us. What a scumbag he is. With a few months of NC under my belt, his unchanging lameness is all the more obvious, and his choice to replace me is all the more tragic and unfortunate. I was angry about and at her for a long time, but now I just feel bad for her because she’s going to get it even worse in the long run.
Kat November 12th, 2008, 4:49 am
I ran that why her not me over and over in my head and got so mad it scared me. I wanted tell everybody what ass and liar he was, but mostly I wanted to tell her and I got my chance too. She was so nice and I was so politely nasty and after it was all said and done, I felt no better. That is, until realized I couldn’t find one thing so great about this man that would make him a great husband to her 5 months after being such a jerk and dumping me. His first wife (one of the nicest people I have ever met.) divorced him for a reason. I realized he is her problem now and thanked God for that. Suddenly so much pain and anger was lifted. Good riddance.
ReginaToxicodendronDiversilobum November 12th, 2008, 5:58 am
I have been following this thread hoping to immunize myself against what is likely, considering that my EUM made me his Band-Aid girl before he was done divorcing his ex-wife. I know she was really upset to find out that he had taken up with me before they had finished up, and who could blame her. So I am reading y’all’s stories to steel myself up to what is a likely scenario - I finally get myself up and around to go out to see a favorite band on my own, and there he is with a new Band-Aid girl. I am trying to get myself to the point of thinking, “EUuuu, bleh,” and rolling my eyes, then turning back my attention to the music and forgetting all about it.
DazedAndConfused, I will remember your words: “You will never lose the love of your life… if you do that’s not what they were.”
Jesyca November 15th, 2008, 8:55 am
You know, for the longest time, during most of the 14 months I had been with my Assclown, I feared that he might’ve been seeing other women. Even now when I am amidst my “Get Out Plan,” I wonder from time to time whether he’s gotten back with his ex, or if he’s got a new girlfriend or fresh new booty calls. I lived in constant fear. When he didn’t want to see me as much, when he wasn’t contacting me as much or as frequently, I’d think he must’ve found someone new. I was so fearful of losing him, and I felt like I was always on the verge.
Not only that, but because he constantly criticized me, told me I was not that great looking, told me I was not in good shape, and told me that I was bitchy and crazy (all of which are false accusations; he merely wanted me to feel bad about myself, and he had succeeded), I constantly felt inferior. I’d walk around the streets and just see and notice tons of women who were supposedly better than me, prettier, more stylish, better personality, better suited for him, and whom I’d imagine he’d like better than me and hence would want to make his girlfriend. He wasn’t with me in the streets, but his poison lingered in my brain *all the time*
Now, I honestly do not know whether he’s got a new woman in his life or not, but I know this: *I do not care* if he’s shacked up with his hot ex, the beautiful coworker, the sweet neighbor, or all of them at the same time. Heck, I don’t even care if he’s with 1 or 10 women right now, because right here typing, is one sexy and smart woman whom he will never have, because *I* made it that way. *I* am the one who is refusing and leaving him. The power resides *right here* within me. Assclowns like him no longer interest me in the least. Oh, he thought he was the God Almighty who gets to judge me and decide if I’m worth it to be with him? To decide my fate on when and where and how I’ll see him? I don’t think so. I am growing stronger, I have the power to decide, and I’ve decided I don’t want him. So good for him if he’s got someone else. I see him as the equivalent of a platonic friend. I don’t want him, so who cares who he’s with? That’s what I keep reminding myself each time I find myself starting to obsess about who he might be with or start comparing other women to me in terms of how they might be better than me.
Veronica December 16th, 2008, 8:56 pm
Let’s say you stop obsessing over this man and move on, how does that stop you from finding men like him again? Because like you said, they all seem sweet to begin with, they all try hard for as long as it takes. Aren’t all men really like this but only behave better because the woman expects more? Are there really any men that WANT to do any work? I mean, if they can get away with less, won’t they all choose to do less? Will someone please answer me, because I thought I had a full life and respected myself before, but these men still seem to find me. And they seem so wonderful at first, but by the time I figure out what they really are, I’ve already wasted too much of my time!
Gaynor December 16th, 2008, 9:08 pm
No, the majority of men are not like this.
Perhaps, you’re not recognizing or are ignoring the red flags early on. Mine seemed wonderful in the beginning but there were a few subtle indicators that struck me as odd, I only wish i had followed through with my feelings instead of ignoring these red flags.
You have to change your expectations and what you are attracting. Recognition is the key.
Betterwithouthim December 16th, 2008, 9:43 pm
Veronica-It’s all about them feeding off the negative beliefs you have about yourself. They mirror them, they are manipulators and throw out crumbs and when you nibble on those crumbs is how they know you’ve got you hooked.
Download NML’s book if you don’t have it already and it explains this much further in detail. It helps you figure our yourself what type of Fallback Girl you are and how to change.
If you do not change, these assclowns will find you no matter where you are. It’s who they are, it’s how the get their attention, it’s how they suck you in. Their insecurities mirror yours, and they know exactly what questions to ask, what things to say to get you reeled in. If you recall some of these assclowns you’ll start to see the pattern. The similarity between one to the next. You’ll remember something they did or said which made you go “hmmm” or gave you a feeling in your “gut” but you pushed the feeling aside because they were so charming and you thought to yourself…”Oh it’s nothing”.
Just do the work and you’ll see and reap the rewards of your labor. Happiness, is one of those great rewards. Good luck!
Grace December 22nd, 2008, 1:57 pm
Help! I’ve just seen that my EUM is back on the dating site where I met him.I broke off all contact 3 weeks ago (well, with one backslide…sorry!) as he said he really cared about me and wanted to be close friends but didn’t want a relationship. I couldn’t live life like that, so I walked away and it was the most painful thing I’ve ever done.And I know I ought not to be sneaking around the dating site - where I’ve deleted my profile - but the temptation is too great. The stupid thing is, all I want is for him to come back, to turn round and say he’s made a terrible mistake, but of course he won’t. I feel awful that he didn’t want a relationship with me,and awful that he’ll end up treating another girl like he did me and his ex - and all his other exes from what my investigations tell me.
He’s a rotten person who’ll never be happy - so why do I feel like this?
ang27 December 22nd, 2008, 4:50 pm
Sorry, don’t really have any advice but it’s still early days Grace….give yourself some time to heal. You are out now, that’s the main thing.
Betterwithouthim December 22nd, 2008, 5:31 pm
Grace download the NML’s book and get to work on yourself. Once you do that you’ll see (in time of course) that this isn’t the guy for you and you DON’T want him back.
You’re in the early stages, it’s tough but stay No Contact, focus on yourself like reading NML’s book, call a friend, call family member but do not call him or respond to his emails, txt, whatever or the cycle will keep going.
Astelle December 22nd, 2008, 6:04 pm
Grace, can I ask how old this guy is? Also, did you meet him on one of the FREE dating sites?
BBP December 22nd, 2008, 7:30 pm
Grace - we have all been in your shoes, which is why we’re all keeping up with this particular post. I agonized over this kind of behavior for a long time. ang27, Betterwithouthim and Astelle are right - - it’s really about letting yourself heal and really sticking to NC. Don’t check out the dating site for a certain period of time - start with a week, then keep adding another week. The less you know and the less you keep up with what he’s doing, the faster you will heal and be able to let go and move on.
Betterwithouthim December 22nd, 2008, 9:07 pm
Yes, BBP is correct. Stay away from the dating site you frequently see him on. If you are in the obsessing phase it will only feed that behavior. The obsessing will make you wonder, worry, analyze things over and over. Stay clear of that dating site-otherwise you will spend endless hours and energy obsessing about this guy when you could be spending all that time on yourself figuring what you need to do to move on.
Grace December 23rd, 2008, 12:05 am
The guy is 45 and I PAID to meet him!! He’s a serial commitment phobe (I am now friends with his ex, who told me he treated her in the same way), and I fell so hard for him. But I know he’s bad news, and I know I’m obsessing - as I always do - as I think there’ll be nobody else out there for me. But I went out tonight and had supper cooked for me by a platonic male friend,who I had a massive crush on earlier this year, and it was lovely. We can now be friends as he is now seeing a really wonderful girl, and I thought I’d found a good man myself. I was wrong, obviously, but it brought to light how you can only be friends with a man if the sexual attraction thing is over or out of the way. I fancied the UEM so much that friendship was just not viable, and when he said ‘Can’t we redefine the boundaries of our relationship?’, it was so insensitive. But hey…they all want it on their terms,don’t they?
Anyway ladies, thanks for the advice. I’ll try to leave the dating site alone. I told him not to contact me,and I’m sure he won’t. He didn’t want a relationship, so I gave him the perfect get-out clause, didn’t I?
Astelle December 23rd, 2008, 2:47 am
Grace, you are friends with his ex - the dude from the dating site??
How did that happened??
Yes, he wanted this on his terms - friends - you can’t be friends with him, you shouldn’t be friends with him, he will turn you into a Fallback girl in a heart beat. He is 45, so let him be on that dating site and continue the BS he is pulling (or trying) with the women.
Good riddance! You know what he is and that is all that matters.
Grace December 23rd, 2008, 10:34 am
He mentioned she lived close to me and had a few problems. I said I’d meet her for a drink; he brought her and other mates to a gig we went to.I really liked her; I think we’re quite similar, and I think it’s quite interesting that he seems to go for women who are a bit needy (I admit it!) but witty and pretty, and both physically not unalike. I think maybe he wanted us to be friends so he ends up looking like the good guy, but I know that when he started seeing me, he was rubbing her nose in it a bit,which was very unfair. He also dumped another woman on the dating site for me, which was interesting. He did it on the phone, which he also did with the ex I am now friends with. At least I was the one who said to him that it couldn’t carry on, and the one who said I couldn’t be friends with him - he seems to want to be pals with his exes, which makes life easier for him, but more difficult for the women he dumps. He’s got this thing about ‘not hurting people’, which is just impossible, but is a very convenient excuse for bad behaviour.
Sorry, I’m ranting now!
BBP December 23rd, 2008, 1:57 pm
Oh god - the thing about “not hurting people” is really about not wanting to look like a d-bag…when they are acting like one and not letting other people move on. This is a behavior that actually hurts you even more in the end and not him. He is avoiding the problems to avoid unaccountably and conflict, not to mention keeping all those “friend” doors open. These guys say they want to “protect” people’s feelings, when they are actually just using that excuse to justify lying, hiding and sneaking around. And why would someone want to lie, hide and sneak around? Because they want what they want when they want it, and they don’t want anyone getting wise to their game or anyone to think less of them or have to answer for their crappy behavior. It’s really quite vicious - using the excuse of someone else’s REAL feelings to be an assclown…and even garner sympathy from others for doing it.
Astelle December 23rd, 2008, 3:19 pm
BBP, you said it perfectly!
Grace, show some pride and don’t give this a**hole the time of day.
Once the contacts on the dating site dries up, he will be looking for you for an ego stroke.
Grace December 23rd, 2008, 6:44 pm
I love you ladies!
And I won’t even START on the fact that he’s had six step-parents…
BBP December 23rd, 2008, 6:57 pm
Grace - one of my EUM’s … his mother was married six times. Hello!
BBP December 23rd, 2008, 6:58 pm
oops - clicked submit too fast.. that Hello! was what should have been my wake up call that they were raised to believe that relationships don’t last, don’t mean anything and there’s always another one around the corner.
Betterwithouthim December 23rd, 2008, 7:01 pm
I have two young sons, and I just want to know how do I raise them to be good, emotionally available men. I hope I have instilled some of the good stuff int them, but I don’t want to breed any more of these crappy loser men into this world.
Their father is EUM, and I’m affraid those traits have already been instilled to some degree. There must be something we mothers can do to help our children “get real”.
Grace December 23rd, 2008, 8:03 pm
I’m sure you do, BWH. It must be a very difficult and heavy responsibility to try and balance your boys’ feelings if their dad is a bit ‘out there’. In the case of my EUM ,his father is an actor of the love ‘em and leave ‘em school who has had children with three women, and his mother is an ex-actress/dancer who has also had three husbands (so that’s four step-parents,sorry). So not only do you have all those relationships, but also two parents with performers’ egos, which are generally a bit ‘it’s all about ME! ME! ME!’, rather than their offspring. I think there are too many parents today - clearly not you - who don’t demonstrate good, loving,caring, unselfish behaviour towards their children, and in not doing so, make poor role models. My EUM has low self esteem but a big ego which I think has come from his upbringing, which has made him hate himself, but enjoy the ego boost that being with women gives him, and is controlling now because he feels he was over-controlled by his mother, and dislikes his father. Complicated? Oh yes…