In my last post I talked about getting over someone after a breakup where you’re worrying about when and if you’ll ever get over them or why you’re not over them yet. Every day, I hear from women and men who persist in relationships that serve to detract from them where they don’t get treated with love, care, trust, and respect. I ask them what they want and they’ll say that they want to feel and be treated a certain way, they want commitment, babies, marriage, steadiness etc and then they describe the object of their affections and attention and it becomes apparent that there is a major gap between what they profess to want and what they actually get.
Think of the person you’re with or the person you’re struggling to get over and imagine that loving relationship that you want and ask yourself:
If I want a loving relationship with mutual love, care, trust, and respect where I can be myself instead of having to transform, twist and morph, and where I can love and live with boundaries, why am I trying to get it from X?
Make no mistake: there are men and women who are capable of being in loving relationships out there. Every, single, solid day, people forge relationships with healthy people who they share similar values with and want the same relationship. I don’t doubt there’s a lot of dubious types out there but the world is not all about cheating, emotional unavailability and being treated badly – what we notice out there in the dating environment is a reflection of our beliefs. There was a time when I wouldn’t have recognised a decent guy if he bit me in the bum!
If you have a consistent pattern, for instance, of being with emotionally unavailable men and/or assclowns, but you’re saying that you want to be in a healthy, loving relationship, you have to ask yourself:
Why haven’t I attempted to have a relationship with someone who is actually capable of giving me what I profess to want? Why have I instead tried to ram a square peg into a round hole and effectively tried to get someone to change into the person that I want?
I’ve written before about lovenomics, which is about our desire to have someone make us the exception to their rule of behaviour. It’s all about love against the odds, overcoming obstacles and adversity and suffering pain in the pursuit of love. You want to do an ‘extreme makeover’ and transform a reluctant partner into a ‘prince’.
You don’t want to get love, care, trust, and respect from someone who is actually capable of this – you want to get it from someone that mirrors your beliefs and your relationship pattern.
This is like trying to draw blood from a stone.
Or…you can imagine that many of you are trying to drill for oil where there is no oil. You have a mindset that’s decided that it’s not that there is no oil, but more that the right person hasn’t attempted to drill for that oil. You don’t want to accept that there is no oil because it would mean you’d need to find a new purpose and direction. This is entirely self-defeating behaviour.
You can get hooked on righting the wrongs of the past. This can be, for instance, dating reflections of one or both of your parents and trying to validate and correct stuff that you couldn’t as a child and possibly still can’t with them as an adult.
You can also get hooked on trying to be ‘right’ – This is about seeking validation and trying to stem the feeling of rejection. It’s also a byproduct of being with someone who you know deep down is ‘lacking’ and feeling like you’re the one to show them the ‘light’ and teach them the error of their ways through loving them and possibly fixing, healing, and helping them.
When you start distancing yourself from your old pattern and end an unhealthy relationship, you may find yourself dating other people and behaving in ways that are reminiscent of your old partners. You don’t want the old type of partners you used to date but you find yourself in No Man’s Land – I get so many emails from women, for instance, who have dated a Mr Unavailable, started dating a pretty decent guy and then found themselves behaving in ways that they hated to be treated themselves.
You’re strong enough to know that you don’t want to be in the type of relationships that you were in in the past but you’re not quite healed from your experiences and are trying to stay in control and reduce your vulnerabilities. This manifests itself as you being difficult, aggressive, flip flapping interest etc
Giving new, decent partners a hard time is a self-protective measure that lets you stay in control.
Look at this type of behaviour as being the ‘transition phase’ between unhealthy partnerings and healthy partnerings.
The key is not to let the transition phase derail you and instead identify why you need to behave in the way that you do – what fears and beliefs are you tapping into?
For me, I am someone who experienced the transition phase a couple of years before I got wise about myself and used my seeming disinterested in the decent guy as a sign that I was better off with my ‘type’ – Mr Unavailables and assclowns, as if I was doomed. Being with him wasn’t my finest hour and he was a bit damned if he did and damned if he didn’t. Many people get ‘punished’ for things that previous partners have done because in being a bit stronger, we can sometimes feel a bit of belated anger. However I think invariably it’s about being self-protective.
You see the thing is that in actively and passively choosing people that reflect our beliefs, even when they don’t behave very well towards us, we do identify with them on a number of levels. For instance, when we’re with someone who is emotionally unavailable and persist in it, we have to examine our own ability to being emotionally available. When we persist in being with someone that repeatedly tells us lies, we have to examine our own ability to not just buy into other peoples lies but to lie to ourselves.
When we are stronger but haven’t fully worked our way through the hurt and/or our beliefs, we can end up carrying the excess baggage of some lessons that have been learned from the emotionally unavailable and assclowns:
That, for example, being aggressive, dismissive, and distant are ways to stay strong and protected in a relationship, after all, it seems to work for them – just ask the readers who have expressed their frustration at feeling like their ex got off scot-free and landed on their feet while they were left behind picking up the pieces.
This is why it’s important to not only have an honest conversation with yourself but an ongoing dialogue. If you’ve come far enough to recognise how unhealthy a relationship or a pattern has been, don’t give up on yourself when you hit some of these awkward spots. Yes, there is a possibility that during the ‘transition phase’ you may ‘scare off’ a potentially decent person but if you can meet one, you can meet others – just because they were decent and not emotionally unavailable and/or an assclown, doesn’t mean they were ‘The One’. We get the relationship that is right for us at that time and even though some of those relationships will be a pain in the bum, they serve to teach us about ourselves and show us the lessons that we need to learn.
If you’re wondering why you don’t like someone who is for all intents and purposes a pretty decent person and are even treating them in a less than favourable manner, step back and address your own fears and beliefs. Ask yourself what you associate being strong in a relationship with? Make sure they’re not negative things. Ask yourself what you associate being vulnerable with, because trust me, if you associate being vulnerable with some terrifying trap, you can be damn sure that the moment you’re in a position of being vulnerable, you’ll be doing everything in your power to minimise it.
Remember: take the focus off them and bring it back to you. You don’t need to be worrying about the who what, where’s and why’s of what they’re doing because that only stops you from dealing with the stuff you can handle and change – your actions.
And before anyone asks how to spot a decent person – remove all the familiar, whacked out behaviours that you put up with in unhealthy partnerings, add love, care, trust, and respect, plus integrity, your boundaries intact and the ability to like and love yourself, and you’re around a decent person.
Your thoughts?
Check out my book on emotionally unavailable men and the women that love them, Mr Unavailable & The Fallback Girl, as well as the No Contact Rule and more in my bookshop.
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Yes! This is exactly what I did over the summer. I was seeing a decent guy who was trying to be open and available to me and all I did was push him away, clam up and basically make it as hard for him to get close to me as possible. It was self-protection, I can see that now – I think I saw it at the time but was seemingly unable to break that behaviour once I’d gone down that road.
I met someone this weekend who also seems open and this time I tried opening up, just a little and even breaking one of my previous golden rules by letting him hold my hand walking down the street! Obviously it’s very early days but, having also seen my ex-EUM today I know how far I’ve moved on. It’s mainly thanks to this site Natalie, so thank you x 1000. I feel great!
Great article! I just have to wonder when I will get over dragging some of the bad from the previous relationship with my ex EU/AC, into my healthy relationship. I don’t do it often, but once in a while I catch myself thinking thoughts of questioning his loyalty–when I KNOW he is completely trustworthy. I know he would never cheat or hurt me, yet from time to time I find myself falling into those old thinking patterns that came from my ex. I have been trying to find what “triggers” it, and most of the time I can’t come up with a damn thing! There must be something that causes that trigger to be released from time to time, I wish I knew what was causing it.
Totally with you on the “triggers” and the only thing I can come up with is fear. It seems the triggers come when I am afraid of something – unusally completely unfounded dark shadows of a long time past. They are weaker then they once were but still there – The best I can come up with is that it took a long time (22 years in EUM/AC Hell) to get to the epiphany and it will take time to dig out of that hole. My head is above water but sometimes stinking thinkin gets the best of me. The only thing I have found that helps is to come back to the present moment now and recognize this is all in my head and I can change the picture to the reality I have now. The ghosts of ACs past cannot be allowed to come back and haunt me – I am the only one who can stop that. Recognize a trigger when you see one – then dismiss it – as it is not real. Its just an old response that needs to be dismantled and replaced with a new healthy one.
I like this post a lot. I think I’m at the tail end of my transition phase. These days, I’m so clearly able to spot the emotionally unavailable guys and know when they are jerking me around. I’m over wanting to be with them and what their predecessors have done to me in the past.
I’m also starting to finally feel comfortable in my own skin, even though my life hasn’t really changed significantly for the better or the worse in the past couple of years.
But what still catches me sometimes is the ability to trust my own judgment sometimes. I know that it has been flawed in the past. I gave people one too many chances and wrote off people I shouldn’t have. I often whether I am giving a nice person too much of a hard time. Or whether or not they deserve a hard time. Recently I had a situation where I should have trusted my judgment, but knowing that it’s been wrong in the past, I went ahead anyway, and discovered that my trust was seriously misplaced, just like my judgment said.
So as the blinders are slowly starting to lift, I guess I’m at a place where my judgment is back in check now. I know what EUMs and assclowns look like. And I know enough about me, am comfortable with my boundaries and sense of self, to go with my gut and not be taken in again. It’s a fine balance, though, because I am still trying to treat new men in my life with appropriate respect and trust.
I’m definately at the start of the transition stage, I know this because after reading all of your posts and being made aware that I am solely responsible for looking out for myself and my happiness, I have to be sensible and have a sense of self preservation. At the moment though my RED FLAG alert system is set at extra extra sensitive and is being set off at every turn. I’d rather that right now, at least I can turn it down when I am more in tune with my judgment, which by the way, now I have been made aware by you that it is in fact ok to have boundaries, I feel like I’ve been set free and given a voice – Thank you so much Natalie, I found you just at the right time in my life!
Good guys will make me feel SECURE. They don’t make me crazy, they don’t make me “question” every little thing about the relationship. If I start analyzing behaviors and actions and words and wondering “what it all means,” it probably means the guy isn’t good for me.
And going slowly is so freaking important. You can get so much information about a guy by just letting him talk on the first couple of dates. Interrogation tactics are not even necessary. A lot of stuff about their value systems (like those important CORE VALUES), their beliefs, their fantasies, their attitudes about relationships in general will naturally come out.
Where I get into trouble is when I start having sex, so I guess someone like me just needs to wait a while before getting sexual. Honestly, if I had listened to my gut feelings on the first date with my last EUM, given all the red flags he threw up, I would not have returned his phone calls after the FIRST date!
It’s amazing how well timed these posts are with my life. After 10 years of EUM/AC’s one after another, I have finally found a beyond decent man and turned a friendship into a great relationship. After 4 months of perfection, I could feel my walls creeping back up and myself closing him out. Not sure exactly the trigger but it was so nice to read this and validate my feelings as simply not being used to a healthy relationship pattern. Am going to reexamine my feelings and ride this feeling put rather than continue to act the way the AC’s of the past treated me. As always, a thought provoking post.
Finally … thank you so much Natalie. I’ve been wondering what is it about me that makes it so difficult for good guys to date me. Why I’m so nice and friendly with friends but why I start retreating when someone shows genuine interest. And it makes sense now … its all about self-protection.
I remember reading somewhere that we can open up without handing someone all of us and I think I am at the tail-end of the transition phase and I’m starting to do that now. Am opening up a little and seeing how someone responds.
I’ve put myself out there and met some douchebags, ACs, narcissists and pathological liars. I know I’m able to spot them now. And that means I’m putting my new skills to work. I’m also able to stop myself from falling from the get go. I ask myself – what have they done to show me their true values. And if its nothing, then I need to go slow and learn more.
And that line – if I met one good guy, I will meet another one. I’m doing all I can to put myself out there. So here’s to hope.
Thanks Nat. You don’t know how much you’ve helped me.
NML wrote: “When we persist in being with someone that repeatedly tells us lies, we have to examine our own ability to not just buy into other peoples lies but to lie to ourselves. ”
I am processing more and more each day and getting a better view of the reality of the situation I got myself in with my exAC. My AC was defo “lacking” in many areas and I chose to overlook many things. One thing I HATED about him that didn’t change was his way of opting out of contributing to our relationship – he NEVER suggested anything for us to – he was the “whatever you want” kinda guy. Wanna see a movie? Sure,” whatever you want”. I realized that he didn’t ever contribute any ideas and we only did what I suggested we do. BORING. And, sorry to say but he also had a small peen. Now, I am not trying to be mean, but I wasn’t satisfied sexually – EVER – with him. When he could manage to get an erection it was only for his benefit if you catch my drift.
I never thought he had to be perfect, but some of the things I was overlooking were a big deal as far as compatibility goes. I was lied to and hurt by this man but I am coming to realize that due to the place i was in my life; and my strong desire to be loved and feel love, I put aside my own instincts and desires and blindly trusted him simply based on history. Nothing based on the here and now. He didn’t have to do anything, or show me anything, he just had to show up!
It is only with hindsight that I can see that I was putting my own needs/preferences aside on the slim chance that he was going to be the person that finally, really, truely loved me. I can honestly admit that I was more inlove with the thought of being in love than I was actually inlove w/ him. If I am honest with myself, I could’nt of really been so deeply in love with him because I didn’t even know him and we had not really been around each other in 20 years. And, what I did learn about him, were qualities I didn’t really admire. I allowed myself to get up in the fantasy of it all, and the good feelings and the idea that someone out there really loved me, and had loved and longed for me for 20 years.
Truth is I wasn’t very impressed with him 20 years ago, and 20 years later I am even less impressed! I took his rejection hard and interpreted it as being “unlovable” because I didn’t “deserve” his lying and disrespect, took his actions on as if I had done something wrong. But, I am not the one who is married and I wasn’t lying to him, yet it got turned around on me and made me feel lousy! I am more disspointed that I am where I am in my personal life, and his lying and leaving was more of a reflection of myself and my choices and poor judgement.
ouch. pass the bandaids please. 🙂 If only I had read NML’s post on the return of the childhood sweatheart before he came to visit. I still get chills on how accurate every single detail was in her post.
OMG… where we dating the same guy? (right down to the teen weeny and childhood sweetheart) :::giggle:::
@ Meli
ya know if he was still married…, I wouldn’t be surprised at all – I guess in many ways all of us are dating the same AC!
I have 500+ emails that I need to delete, but I can’t go back there right now and I can’t even see his name written on the screen …it brings up so much emotion still. It’s that last thing I need to do to rid my life of every reminder, I am avoiding doing it, it just hurts right now to send it all to the garbage. I want to do it , defo don’t want to hold on to them, they are just proof of his outrageous lying anyway. I just can’t stand the page after page, clicking each one, just not ready yet to see them all again.
This article is perfect timing..
I have been in counseling, I faced my past, got in touch with my anger.. Accepted the past and no longer try to subconsiously re-script or rewrite it. Yes, I miss my ex.. but, have let that go! However, for some reason, these perfectly nice guys I force myself to go out with, on some days feels better, healthier nicer, but, not really all that attracted and I feel guilty… 1.) becuase I’m a pain in the ass and I realize they being nice and 2.) well the chemistry is not quite there and I feel like I’m well…. in a “transition”,,,, and it’s a little odd… but, the light is at the end of tunnel. I know it! 🙂
Easy way to spot decent guy as opposed to AC – decent guy will pick you up and drop you home when you go out. AC too selfish to go out of his way.
Amen!!!
“…many of you are trying to drill for oil where there is no oil. You have a mindset that’s decided that it’s not that there is no oil, but more that the right person hasn’t attempted to drill for that oil. You don’t want to accept that there is no oil because it would mean you’d need to find a new purpose and direction. This is entitely self-defeating behaviour.”
Great post as usual. I think your analogy is a good one, but not a complete one and here’s why. Your post is premised on the fact that every person is entitled to a loving, happy, healthy relationship with a person they find attractive i.e. the “Oil.” In your analogy, the oil exists somewhere just not in this particular spot where they’re drilling. Fair enough.
The problem that I see is that the object of the drilling ITSELF is sometimes a fantasy. Oil exists somewhere. But, not every expectation a person has about relationships can exist in a real, live human beings. Many people seem delusional about what is even possible. So, for them, the better analogy is that they are hunting for unicorns in the wrong forest. They will keep switching forests, but there’s still never going to be a unicorn.
I’m at the one year mark of the break up and im feeling 90% over it and good. Learnt heaps about myself and ive done so much hard work. Its def been my epiphany relationship. I have no desire to be anywhere near him and about the only thing im still dealing with is anger at some of my treatment.
The thought of a new relationship right now makes me feel exhausted so I know im not ready. I feel good but worn out so I need to spend time filling myself up and building my life. I’m sure ill meet someone new and someone very different to what ive experienced but I do wonder every now and then will I be able to trust? I just have to remember that being open, trusting and loving was never the issue it’s who I choose to do it with.
When the time is right ill go for it but for now id like to be alone and finally enjoy being single as the first year was exhausting and hard work getting over hurt, grief and trying to work out what the hell happened along with working on myself. I’ve also changed as in although it would be nice to be in a relationship im not fussed if I’m not, I no longer feel it’s a bad thing or a poor reflection on me. I no longer feel terrified that ill be 40 and single coz I am 40 and single and frankly its better then being in a bad, exhausting relationship. My life is my own and what I choose to make of it. I have new goals both short term and long, all the things I was suppose to do with a partner. Well screw that, im doing it alone and for me coz out of all the people I know im the most reliable and dependable and ill never let me down ? I put my life on hold because i wanted to make a life with someone. No more…… its all about me now.
Trinity, never got to thank you for your kind comment on another post (Sept. 28), hooks etc, which I just read. It made me smile and happy to read your post one month on. Its amazing what we can actually in a relatively short time. One years is not bad in the grand scheme of our life! Lots of love to you. And 40 is the new 30… at least in my mind. Let’s go and enjoy ourselves!! xo
Trinity- you sound awesome. Congrats
This is probably the most positive post I’ve read on this blog. I finally feel like I’ve passed the tests and can now spot the emotionally unavailable men from afar. Even the seemingly “nice” guys can be emotionally unavailable because of all their past hurts and disappointments. I feel like I did pass up on a decent guy, but he was separated and still legally married. No matter how nice of a man he was, by my definitions, he was still unavailable–so I just wouldn’t go there.
I just saw another guy last weekend who I had a major crush on a year ago. I suspect he knew I liked him, but I never said anything, and neither did he. He’s divorced with two sons of whom he has joint custody. He dated a couple of girls while I pined away for him, but neither of those relationships lastest. Once I left the singles group we were a part of and left the church, all of a sudden he’s telling me that the group (and him, presumably) miss my presense. He wants to get together and go dancing. We did that a couple of times. We went dancing last weekend, and it was fun, but he didn’t show me any particular regard. He didn’t even walk me to my car when I left for the evening. It was 10 o’clock, and anything could have happened to me in that dark parking lot. Well, anyway, I emailed him and told him I had fun. We should do it again. He said he wants to but can’t until next month. Then he tries to instruct me to bring more people along, like I’m his social secretary. He’s done this before, and it hasn’t changed; it seems to be his pattern. I realize now he’s not that into me at all. It’s fine, because my amorous feelings for him died over a year ago. I just wanted to see with this renewed interaction if it could go anywhere. I guess not. I don’t think he’s an AC at all. He’s very protective of himself and doesn’t really let me in. He’s a nice guy, but he’s not available to me and I’m so glad I can clearly see that and not get caught up in trying to “win him over”–like I’ve done before with another guy, to my detriment.
I feel like I really am healing now and can start to spot and attract guys who really do like me and really will make the effort to get to know me.
This post is helpful. I spend a lot of time trying to get over the treatment and damage of the AC (four months NC). Although this is important and a necessary part of the healing, the looking forward to future behavior on my part is very important too. Once you start shifting the focus to your future instead of the heartache that you are struggling with, you are on your way. What a journey.
Sadly, I have to admit that if someone wholeheartedly likes me, I despise them for it.
I’ve got a feeling that EUM’s feel that way about US. They look down on us because we like them.
Yeah, it’s crazy but I’m seeing a counsellor. He thinks it’s to do with low self-esteem. I don’t “get” it yet, but I’m working on it.
And at least I’m not in a crazy relationship (not in any relationship actually).
Yep. I can see that in my xeum. The women he falls all over, and follows like a dumb puppy dog are the ones that treat him like crap, and expect him to be something he’s not. I was listening to his sister kind of vent about him and his current relationship, and she said, about his very serious girlfriend, “I just can’t stand for someone who is not gonna love him for who he really is.” And I thought, and it’s so true: he really doesn’t feel he deserves to be loved for who he is. He has scorn for someone who loves him for who he is. He thinks he’s a piece of shit – and as he told me “bullshit” and most of the time, he behaves that way. I think we suffer the same problem – and many times, while he leaves us for someone else, that someone else is going to respond to how he feels about himself, and push all his buttons the way he pushed ours. Only thing to do is let him go, and learn for ourselves.
After reading this post this morning how ironic that after almost a year of NC I saw my ex today at the grocery store. My heart didn’t pounded out of my chest, I didn’t shy away or become tongue tied. I even said “Hi how are you” first. We spoke for a few moments and I went on my way FIRST, the old me would of tried to prolong the conversation. I felt good, no tears or regrets and most importantly not even a quiver of longing.
Everything you’ve been saying NML is sooo true. Thank You from the bottom of my heart.
This post describes my current situation to a t… having just got out of a long-term r/s with an EUM, I met a guy who turned out to be another EUM and fell crazy for him… we don’t even live in the same city and I’ve let myself become the booty call when he comes to my city on business trips… we never talked abt our “relationship” with each other and everytime he drops by I let him push the reset button despite telling myself that I cannot let him do that anymore. Recently I met s’one who seems decent and available, and interested, s’one who takes the effort to make plans with me in advance and has been treating me the way I feel a man should be treating me. Only, I’m not that attracted to him, and I catch myself pushing him away and instead pining for an EUM who is obviously not that interested in me. I am aware now, but seems there seems such a long way to go…
I thought I was near the end of my transition phase and realized recently that I’m still at the beginning. I met a guy after not dating for 2 years after a rlationahio with an AC. He was sweet, wanted to take things slow, and really get to know me. I scared him away with all my insecurities. When he told me it wouldn’t work I freaked and reverted back to behavior I had with my ex AC (chasing, begging, crying). Now this great guy thinks I’m completely crazy because some of my insecurities were triggered. And I pushed him away and set the stage for him to reject me. Maybe I don’t believe anyone will ever really love me (that was a common thing my ex AC would say to me all the time, especially when I would try to leave). I feel like such an idiot. Do things really get better? How will I know that I’m transitioning to a better person and not worse? I’ve been to counseling, I’ve picked up hobbies old and new to create a more fulfilling life for myself. But this mistake I made with this new guy has me reeling. What is a normal period for transitioning before you can really identify good partners and nip old patterns and behaviors (rooted in fear) in the bud?
I’m really sorry to hear that, but don’t give yourself a hard time. Like the post says, we get the relationship that’s right for us at the time. Look at what this has taught you: you met a decent guy, you got insecure and scared and things went wrong. You need to identify what those insecurities were, why they got triggered and how you can stop it happening in future.
Don’t lose hope. At least you attracted a decent guy – i’m still attracting nut-jobs! 🙂
I definitely am not ready to start dating. I went out saturday night and was extremely attracted to (and the feeling was very mutual) the most inappropriate man i have ever met in my entire life! Charming, funny, intelligent, sweet, attentive and totally, totally bonkers!! I’m talking ‘from another planet’ level of bonkers. Gives ‘free spirited’ a wholllllle new meaning!
At least now i can recognise inappropriate men, see them for exactly what they are, ignore their ‘potential’, have no illusions whatsoever about ‘maybe he’ll be different with me’ and then keep moving forward. I guess that’s something…
The fact that i am still drawn to these types and have to mentally chuck a bucket of cold water over myself tells me that i am STILL emotionally unavailable and therefore should not inflict myself on anyone until i’ve done a LOT more work on myself.
53 days NC – can i just get a lobotomy or something please??!!
Haha! You sound like a sassy woman, Minky (and the name helps!).
I am also attracted to people with unusual attachment styles, delusions of grandeur, quirks and enviable wit and achievements and/or talents. It’s all so good until it comes to making a very practical thing like a relationship work. These types of guys feel uneasy (almost pathologically so) – as though being made less exceptional – with functionality and day-to-day responsibility and routine. I can tell my AC believes that once he achieves whatever it is he wants to – and is granted status, money and a context to be admired – THEN he will be ready to give himself to someone.
Funny thing is, that I can relate to this on some level. I am a bit like this minus the propensity for cruelty/punishment, withdrawal, and rage, and I’d like to think I am far more humble, fair, and blissfully domestic! But I can still relate to some of the feelings of a healthy relationship being somehow a limitation. It’s probably a manifestation of some weird fear of death (hehe!).
To be more concrete, I mentioned this in a recent post, but I have found myself being a bit AC’ish with this new guy vageuly on the scene. The main reason is that I still have some latent anger and sadness about the AC and so my emotional lens is still all foggy. I can’t see this new guy’s value clearly so I am not being fair to him. He even said to me that he finds me a bit prickly and it makes him feel insecure. I thought, ‘Geez, prickly = prick = AC’ and we had a really honest, useful discussion about it all. I had to be super careful to avoid setting myself up – as AC’s do – as this poor, ‘don’t get too attached to me, I am damaged’ victim. It’s amazing to have this opportunity to watch myself being given a lesson to see whether I have learned what the AC taught me, or whether I am just going to add to the chaos.
I have chosen not to be a sh*t, as it’s not good for anyone, and it’s not what I am about or where I am from or how I generally behave, and there is no reason for it except self-indulgent, cowardly hubris and maybe some vengeance against the AC. I have called things off and we’ve left it at seeing whether I am up for something in the New Year.
‘No’ to potential! ‘Yes’ to taking things at face value, and acting towards others so that they can take us at face value too.
Well done, Elle, for having some integrity, taking responsibility and being honest about the place you’re in emotionally. Honesty is so important, even if we have to let potentially good people go, rather than be selfish and self serving (like ACs and EUMs). Having the attitude of ‘i’ve been honest about the sh*thead that i am, so no one can blame me for being hurt’ – well, actually, they can! The chasing, promosing, flattery, future faking, etc is in itself a form of dishonesty. If someone’s got nothing to give/is unwilling to give, then they don’t deserve the intimacy or trappings of a relationship
I’m rambling now! What i wanted to say is that i, too, have no interest in conventional relationships (marriage, kids, etc) and getting stuck in a domestic rut (again), so i tend to attract loonies, EUMs and ACs. All i want is a relationship with a likeminded person where both people maintain their individuality and independence and try (hard) to make the relationship as good as it can be. I think i’m going to have to wade through a lot of nutters to find a decent guy though.
Thanks! Although, I did re-read what I wrote and I still think it seems a tad selfish – as though I am the only one with a choice about possibly picking things up again in the future. Obviously, I am also risking him meeting someone else or seeing me/us differently in the meantime. This is what I tried to say to him. Anyway, I am being as honest as possible and not doing what you say, which is flitting about, hoping that my ‘I am an honest flake’ messages are enough. He’s clearly not getting what I have been saying about not being ready to see people (this guy is super determined!), so I have had to show him that I am not being open or fair right now.
Yes but the fact that you are telling him how it is and not engaging, even though he may, as you say, meet someone else or change his mind, proves the unselfishness of your actions. It may seem self indulgent, but you’re doing this for his good as well as your own.
I always think of it in terms of what i would want if the situation were reversed – in this case i would want total honesty, rather than the EUM/AC ploy of ‘i know i can’t give you what you want, but i’ll take what i want from you anyway and excuse all my behaviour based on the fact that i’ve told you i’m rubbish’.
You know you’re better than that, Elle! 🙂
This is exactly what i have been doing of late and i cannot believe how true to form i have been – thanks Natalie you understand so well.
I met online a man who seems a decent guy – not sure of course yet because i have not met him – perhaps to be continued……
He is keen to see me and after i made an arrangement to meet, i bottled out of it and sent him a message to call it off. He was upset about that but he said he understood my feelings after my recent relationship break up. He also said not every guy is like the last one i was with. Thank god for that!
He has been really nice about the whole let down i gave him and is still wanting to meet when i feel i can do a meet. But what you said about flip flapping is the stage at which i now find myself.
I am afraid to get hurt all over again after Mr AC/EUM dropped me like a hot cake and it has left me bewildered by how loving he was initially and then so cold and distant and downright callous at the end, so it is going to take me some time to trust in men i feel. However, i would like a man in my life, but i am also afraid of pushing him away because of my hurt.
Will my hurt eventually go? I thought i was doing so well in forgetting Mr AC/EUM but it has set me back a bit in not wanting to charge into a possible relationship with somone who appears to be available and keen to meet me. I suppose its because i would hate to be rejected all over again.
Any comments would be appreciated – thanks.
Susiejay
I suppose the idea is that you should not invest till you see what you are getting for your money. Let the next guy work on a ‘pay as you go’ arrangement. Put nothing up front. Know your boundaries and stick to them, and make him stick to them. If he crosses them tell him right away. If he crosses again, walk away, cos he ain’t listening and is showing you no respect! Don’t ignore the red flags, if you see one, take note! If you feel uncomfortable it’s becasue there is a reason to be.
Perhaps the most important thing I note about your comment is that you are worried about trusting men… do you need to trust ‘men’? – try trusting YOU. Trust that your boundaries will work. Do not invest on what you think is his potential. Listen and take head of what he does rather than what he says.
Most of all, it doesn’t need to be a big deal; go out and enjoy the company. Be safe. Have fun, but protect your boundaries and you can’t go far wrong. Good luck.. let’s know how you get along.
F
@Fearless – your comment “do you need to trust ‘men’? – try trusting YOU.” is spot on. Thank you – this really hit home for me. I am always so scared of everything and this has helped a lot!
“….. left me bewildered by how loving he was initially and then so cold and distant and downright callous at the end..”
I understand what this post was about, and how you related to it, but I found myself thinking about that line. One thing many of us have in common is that if we had taken stayed grounded in reality, and taken a hard look at the many red flags presented in the dubious relationship with the EUM’s, we would not have felt so bewildered at the end.
That being said, I think a bit of flip flapping and cold feet is normal in any developing relationship, at some points, on both sides. It is scary even for two emotionally available people to learn to trust each other with their hearts.
What is needed is the ability for both parties to be emotionally mature, emotionally available and then willing and able to communicate through those fears that arise. To me that describes the commitment and care needed to grow a strong, loving and trusting relationship.
I think what we learn here is how to be more aware, to be aware of the ability to commit in both ourselves and the person we are attempting to develop a relationship with.
We all here become painfully aware of what it is like if that ability is missing in a person. Yet it is still necessary to take a hard look at ourselves, to be aware whether we are able to truly commit to trusting another.
I suspect your hurt will lessen, as mine has, and when you are ready you will be willing to trust again, with a newfound awareness and thus much more careful with your own heart. And thats a great thing.