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Following on from Part 1 yesterday, here are the final 5.

6. You are never going to get all of the answers

This is a female desire more so than a male one but we want an explanation as if expecting that this will satisfy us or even make us feel better and give us closure. Here’s a reality check – no matter what they tell you, you never get all of the answers, you often end up with more questions, and you don’t get closure from him – you give yourself closure – I’ll come back to this later. So our need to discuss and evaluate and ask more, and analyse, and often end up blaming ourselves, is called Prolonging the Agony and Holding On. Will it satisfy you to know whether he enjoyed having sex with the woman behind your back? If he says “I slept with her because you neglected me” will you believe him, or is it likely that you’re just going to question it more? What if you’re greeted with silence? Are you going to tie him to a chair, shine a torch in his face, and torture him until he says something that is in line with your expectations. Trust me, they never say what you expect, and often, they don’t really know why.
7. You can’t move on if you don’t let go

If many of your post break up actions involve engaging with your ex, they are all Strategies To Hold On Tight. Modern society has a lot to answer for because somewhere along the way, men and women have been trained to engage in BS behaviour that burns up energy that would be better spent elsewhere. Between texting, emails, and instant messaging being the death of actual communication, the tools of the assclown, and a seemingly easy way to maintain contact after you break up, and women everywhere obsessed with making silk purses out of pig ears in mistaken efforts at working at non-existent relationships, you’ve got a whole lotta people that don’t want to let go. Here’s the reality – texts/emails/instant messenger are lazy communications that whilst they don’t require a lot of effort, they do often cause women to spend lots of time interpreting. On the flipside, if you send a text/email/IM in an effort to play nice, it’s just another way of keeping contact when really, the relationship umbilical cord should be cut. Nobody’s calling to see how you are; they’re calling to check that you haven’t moved on. You’re not calling to say hi; you’re just making sure that he’s home and not out shagging a new girl. Like I said yesterday, if you’re meant to be friends, revisit the idea in 3,6, or 12 months time and in the meantime, stop engaging and feeding the break up monster.

8. Your mutual friendships will be tested

One of the things you are likely to do if you share friends is cling harder to those friendships because they keep a line of communication between you both and allow you to hear information about him. A side effect may be that you feel compelled to be ‘friends’ with your ex. Sorry, no can do. Your friends don’t determine how you break up and it’s not about making your friends comfortable. Harsh, but true. You’re busy fannying around trying to play nice for him and your friends, what about you? What about those friends who stir things between you both? What about hearing info that you didn’t ask to hear? Set some ground rules from the outset – tell your friends not to pass information to you, don’t overshare, and do prepare yourself for the possibility that some friendships won’t survive. You tend to find out who your friends are in these situations unfortunately…

9. You don’t need him for closure

Closure happens when you become at peace with you and love yourself, in spite of the fact, that sometimes, things, especially relationships, don’t go according to plan. As I said earlier, you’ll never get all the answers, but actually, even if you got them all, closure could still elude you. Often the healing process, dealing with any outstanding issues that may be impacting on your relationships, and ensuring that you have a healthy level of self-esteem, take care of the closure for you. You don’t wake up one day and go “Ooh, I have closure” and instead, you’re enjoying your life and living and suddenly realise that you are no longer emotionally invested in a positive or negative way, and that whatever happened, it no longer matters. It’s never the things that you think will give you closure that do it for you; it’s the unexpected. When I found out my ex had been cheating about a year after we broke up, after the initial surge of annoyance (more so at being played), I actually howled with laughter and let out a big sigh of relief. It was just proof that I was right to get on with my life. And that he was an assclown.

10. You are in control of how long it takes for you to get over him

However long it takes for you to get over him, you are the person who is in the driving seat of your misery and how much your life halts…or moves on… Don’t get things twisted – it is not him who is stopping you from moving on – it’s you engaging with him and allowing him to mess with your mind and your life. At some point, if your life post breakup still has him (and your angst) taking centre stage, at some point, YOU have to opt out. You don’t need to explain, you don’t need to worry about what he will think; just do it. Cut contact, cut the cord, and start getting your life back together because keeping him in it, even though you aren’t together, is like signing over yourself to limbo land and will wreck your prospects of future relationships.

Your thoughts?

If you want to understand why you’re attracted to Mr Unavailables, check out my new ebook Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl. Find out more and download.

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