I think he wants me to relieve him of his guilt and be the one to tell him his behaviour isn’t so bad. That said, it is hard for me to let go. When I said no, I did get different behaviour from him. Could he actually be less of a Mr Unavailable, it’s just that we are just misunderstanding each other? I am afraid he is starting to show interest in other women. If so, how can the reasons he gave about why he didn’t want to be in a relationship, be true?
Sometimes we don’t see the wood for the trees. We can find ourselves in the most dysfunctional of relationships and when it finally ends, we latch on to anything but the truth, pondering stuff like, “Is it because I didn’t answer the phone on three rings or reply to their text in a nanosecond?” or “It’s because I wasn’t sexy/attractive/smart/rich enough” or “If only I’d let them have sex with whoever they like or agreed to threesomes, we’d be living happily ever after.”
We also take a trip to Planet Nonsense & Effery where we actually start to believe that we can Jedi mind trick people into becoming the person that we want or into coughing up the relationship we want—“If I act like I have boundaries, maybe they’ll spontaneously combust into Prince/Princess Charming”.
The problem with your ex, Elizabeth, isn’t that he might be showing interest in other women [now that you’ve said no one time] or that there was some sort of ‘misunderstanding’; the problem is that you were involved in a fantasy, codependent relationship with a Mr Unavailable who lacked empathy and dodged commitment. You were in a relationship that could not go anywhere and had to go No Contact. It wasn’t just a dream; it was real. Now, because you said no one time, it’s like you’ve forgotten what the deal was.
If you have to force someone into being empathetic, it doesn’t bode well for your respective futures. If anything, trying to force somebody to be empathetic screams a lack of empathy for you.
The more you try to convince someone of something or into being/doing something, is actually the less convinced about yourself that you become.
No one truly feels loved, cared for, trusted, respected and on the same team going in the same direction when they’ve had to fight for something that really needs to be given freely. Where do you draw the line with the person you’re trying to ‘extract’ a commitment from? Would you be OK with dragging every future decision out of him?
What you really need to be taking a closer look at is:
- Where am I trying to avoid intimacy?
- Where am I in fact delaying committing to my own needs, desires etc., by putting it all on someone else’s ability?
- If I truly want commitment, why am I seeking it with someone who is resistant to doing so?
A fantasy relationship indicates that you were not keeping it real and that you were avoiding intimacy. It’s easier to pursue something in your head than it is to show up in reality. It’s as if you think it’s less painful to get hurt this way than it is to put you out there in a real relationship. I suspect that you don’t feel worthy of real relationship or a healthy partner hence why you’re reducing you to this painful scenario. The more that he acts up and strays from the picture in your head, is the more pain you experience.
What has gone on before this relationship that has you avoiding whatever it is that you’re afraid of?
If you’re still on some level looking for validation from a parent/caregiver/bully/ex, that is showing itself in this relationship.
- Where did you learn to take the blame for and feel responsible for other people’s feelings and behaviour?
- Which old wound is this relationship tapping on that you’re now trying to avoid by continuing with him?
It would be better to face that old pain than to continue chasing this guy and exacerbating the codependency.
Incidentally, even this whole thing about him showing interest in other women is a fantasy. It’s a story you’ve come up with that validates your negative beliefs about you—It’s my fault that he’s unavailable, I’m not attractive enough, I should have tried harder, The “right” woman would make him available—but also gives you the perfect excuse to go back and start the cycle again.
You need to learn how to take care of you. Instead of taking responsibility for others past and present, you need to take responsibility for how you feel and want to continue to feel. Yes, he’s a pain in the bottom but he won’t be if you stop treating him like the centre of the universe and trying to make him give what he doesn’t have.
If anything, he’s showing you that whoever it is that you blamed you for them not being what you wanted in the past, that it’s not your fault—here’s someone else that’s unavailable, unempathetic etc and he’s not your parent. Release your younger self from that blame and you will be able to let him go.
He hasn’t changed. Even if he’s sniffing around someone else, which he may well be because Mr (and Miss) Unavailables do tend to want to keep a spare (or few) in their back pocket just in case one option is removed, the fact that he’s engaging in the way that he is suggests that you have very good reason to be and stay No Contact.
Always remember with unavailable folk that they can’t commit to being with you and they can’t commit to not being with you.
If they feel out of control, they’re chasing you, not because they want you but just to be back in control. What are you going to do Elizabeth? Do No Contact every few months and say no until the end of time to get him to come to heel?
This relationship is a call to action. Relationships expose our wounds and offer up guidance on where need to heal and grow. This man isn’t the love of your life or that special for that matter but he is showing you that you need to face the source of your codependency habits and work on addressing the old wounds that you keep trying to fix via your relationships.
You’re two separate people. You’re not ‘misunderstanding’ each other—you’re misunderstanding the feedback from this situation. You’re misunderstanding your part in this situation. His unavailability is his issue and your unavailability is yours. You can’t fix him and he can’t fix you. It’s because he’s unavailable why you’re giving him and his shenanigans the time of day in the first place. Instead of distracting yourself in him, face what’s really behind your choices so that you can be free to be available for a truly loving relationship.
Have you tried to drag commitment and empathy out of a partner? What would you advise Elizabeth to do?
If you have a pattern of being involved in fantasy relationships, do check out my book, The Dreamer and the Fantasy Relationship.
Each Wednesday, I help a reader to solve a dilemma. To submit a question, please email advicewednesdayAT baggagereclaim.com. If you would prefer your question to be featured on the podcast, drop a line to podcast AT baggagereclaim.com. Keep questions below 200 words. For in-depth support, book at a clarity session or coaching.
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Elizabeth,
I have been in a similar situation, and I actually kept it going for 7 years. We were even engaged to be married, he called it off, and we CONTINUED the pattern after break up. This went on for another couple of years until I finally blocked his number. Since then, I have made loads of progress in my recovery, boundaries, and self esteem issues.
Keep focusing on you, and healing whatever wound it is that causes you to keep seeking validation from an unlikely source. It takes some time, but eventually you will get to a place where the only validation you need is your own. You can then stand in your own power, grin ear to ear, and know how wonderful you are. It is a good place to be! The alternative is smacking your head against that same proverbial brick wall… And it hurts! You may slide backwards, but just get up and move forward… you’ve got this! Best wishes at focusing on, and healing you!
Much love,
Tiffany
Elizabeth, my situation was very similar to Tiffany’s. And for about the same amount of years too. After I moved out( after living together for only the last year of being together 7 years) the back and forth insanity continued for about another year although we were living apart. I finally reached a point where I was just done – he had shown me who he really was, consistently for 7 years but I didn’t want to see it. I too had zero boundaries and he knew it. He would never commit and as long as I played by his rules everything went fine. It took a few times of going NC, but it’s been about a year I think, maybe more, and I love that I’ve lost track of how long it’s been!! Anyways, what Tiffany says is spot on…focus on you, take care of yourself, it does take time, I never thought I would feel normal again but I’m pretty darn close. I finally am feeling good about me, and I don’t need validation from any guy. Also just to reinforce what Adele said about the urge to call – don’t do it! I slipped up quite a few times (especially after I’d had a some drinks), and I was so mad at myself the next day. Save yourself the humiliation, delete contact info, turn off your phone , do anything else, do not call…. It will get easier trust me , and as Adele most profoundly stated – if you can stick with and get through the mire, you will feel the most amazing feeling finally that your head and heart belongs to you. It is so freeing and is so worth it! Good luck.
Beautiful Tiffany…….awesome!!
Wendy
When you are on the inside looking out, it is difficult to see what is really happening. I finally got it when I just mirrored what I was getting, and suddenly realized how lazy and passive the guy was being towards me. I thought, wow, I would have done more than this, responded sooner, etc. But when I was mirroring only giving what he gave to me, it was easier to see it was less than crumbs, with no reward. I had to look in that mirror myself to realize I didn’t need him, and his in and out lazy communication ways. That is how I ended it.
Of course trying to have a decent conversation was like pulling out his teeth, and I also realized there too, why am I using all of this energy on this one guy who has so many problems? He quickly stopped being worth it, and it took a long time to realize, okay, I don’t need this, I don’t need this. Distract yourself doing ANYTHING else, such as work, or whatever, and do.not.call him, just don’t.
The urge to call is very strong, but hold out. Have imaginary conversations with him in the shower, but don’t actually call. Soon, the headaches will stop – and worrying and fretting over it all will cease, and you will realize, hey, I didn’t think about him at all today. Then you will have arrived at freedom, your head will belong back to only you. Your heart will belong only to your own body and you will be cured. Baby steps.
Thanks for this Natalie. Great post. You really know your stuff. I have been having the worst couple of days emotionally, but I haven’t broken NC.
Elizabeth, this mans behaviour is screaming that he’s not interested in you for a relationship anymore. Sure, he’d like to keep you hooked because he probably likes you o. Some level. But not enough that he wants to be with you. Let him go. Grieve it and don’t look back. It is hard work, but it is better than dragging your heart through the mud one more time and then going through all of this in another few months. You can do it.
Elizabeth,
Natalie is right! You cannot teach a person how to be empathetic, they just exhibit that behavior. Also, if you have ever been with a controlling person, they will do whatever they have to get control when they see they are losing it even if it means telling you what you want to hear. It might SEEM like he changed, but believe me they are still the same.
They are ALWAYS nice when they are trying to get back in your good graces. It almost seem like they are different people. Don’t be fooled. Forget him, you need to take care of you and let him figure out why he is screwed up.
Argh, I know how Elizabeth feels! So confusing! Except my problem is with a friend right now, not a romantic partner.
She said something incredibly hurtful to me the other day. When I finally confronted her about it, today, she said it was just a joke. And that she’s always walking around on eggshells with me, because I’ve called her out on insensitive things she’s said before. It didn’t seem like a joke at the time. There was no laughing, or sarcasm, or telling me she was just joking, until now, when I’ve taken issue with it.
The problem is, I cant go no contact with her, because we live together, I’ve just moved from Australia to the UK and I’m struggling so much to make friends and fit in. Which has always been hard for me. I’m trying not to let her get to me. But its so hard. I wonder whats wrong with me right now. Why can’t I make friends? And when I do, it seems to go wrong. Maybe I am too over-sensitive like she says.
Its so hard when somebody tells you one thing, does another and blames you for taking it the wrong way. Is this like NML was saying about forcing someone to feel empathy for you? Am I lacking empathy for myself in this, or am I all wrong?
So_True- You’re fine. The fact that you’re recognizing hurtful comments for what they are is a good sign. You have boundaries, just letting self-doubt blur your seeing them.
Is there any way you can save some money and look for a new place to live? This roommate will slowly eat you bit by bit until there’s nothing left of you. It’s called crazymaking. She makes loaded comments and then says you’re overreacting. It’s a form of mental abuse. Abusers take advantage of vulnerable, isolated people, which you are right now.
Get out of the house, join meet up dot com, go walking, chit chat with the old lady on the corner waiting to cross the street…These little changes will strengthen you and give you hope. Again, you’re doing fine! 🙂
I have been through a very similar experience recently. After 7 years he decided to call it off but for months he contacted me to get back together and then days later would end the relationship. I waited for his calls and texts but would only be left back at square one when he decided he still didn’t want to be with me. I have now blocked his number and feel so much better within myself for doing this! I’m able to focus on myself and start to move on.
Good on you Cat! You deserve so much better than a guy who blows hot n’ cold n obviously has no idea what he wants.
He sounds like a giant man-child who cries when he can’t have a toy that’s just out of reach, and then when he gets it, he loses interest, only to want it again when it’s gone.
Stay strong and keep up the no contact!
I think one of the most annoying things about emotionally unavailable people is that they often have a habit of trying to come back, they alienate everybody in their lives and then go back to the bench to see who they left behind and who they think might be there to be an emotional pillow for them.
I agree with you 100%, and broke NCR just two days ago after 4 weeks. A major part of the problem is, we work together, two cubicles down. I had been on vacation for the past 2 weeks, and when I returned, the attention, the flirting, and even touching started back. This cause confusion of course, and I broke NC and texted him Friday. I got myself back together quickly, and went back on NC, but I will see him at work tomorrow and just don’t know what to expect or how to act around him that is consistent with NC. #HELP
Lots of being break NC. Start by forgiving yourself. I am very hesitant to date people I work with because of this. I am not even sure about friend groups, I met somebody through mutual friends recently. I knew right away he was attracted to me we set a non date type date and I even feel cautious about that, I am just going to move at a snail’s pace and see what happens.
The problem for me is I hated online dating it was too much of a shitshow so I have cut my options down which is actually fine for me.
I’ve date don the job once before. That was 22 years ago. We subsequently got married and now going through a divorce after 20 years of marriage. That relationship there is a whole night story, as looking back, he’s a narcissistic ass-clown. I vowed to never date on the job again, and expressed that to Mr. Unavailable, but he pursued me to no end until I finally gave in. All was well for the first 9 months, but the ass-clownery started.
Paula
EUs are like a bad case of hives; they take forever to go away and tend to return.
I’ve forgiven myself, but I still feel stupid and embarrassed.
I am a very educated woman but I have always suffered from low self esteem issues due to my being not so lucky in the looks department.i suffered low grade depression since my teens. I was in a loveless arranged marriage for some time ,then got divorced.2 years after the divorce,i tried online dating only to get heart broken by a good looking successful guy-long distance
I never understood why he should be interested in me but then in spite of myself,i went ahead.soon he was blowing hot and cold with me.I was having this terrible anxiety when he called. After one month, he just disappeared on me. I was left wondering what did I do wrong.is it because I’m not good looking enough,not tactful enough or not proactive enough.it was a terrible blow to my already shaky self esteem. His Facebook portrayed him as a flamboyant ,sexy guys.im the shy type. I should have listened to my gut and never accepted his request in the first place.i wonder if he was an assclown.
Hey Elizabeth, i recently had a break-up and i happened to be asking myself similar questions that you ask yourself. The first time they popped up, i realized i felt a lot of fear and panic. i thought the breakup was torturing enough. Why continue with the torment of the negative emotions?
So, i asked them differently. in a neutral manner and oriented them to my feelings. and once i got the answers, i did not need to second guess myself.
For eg. why am i scared of him meeting someone new? why do i feel like blaming myself for this relationship not working out? i feel stupid, ashamed and guilty for not seeing the read flags before. what to do about it?
few of the answers pointed out: i was co-dependent myself. so i am a natural magnet for unempathetic partners. at first it was a very shocking and disturbing discovery for me. i worked on knowing the source of my codependency and accepting it. and now am working on getting out of co-dependency. so i can attract an empathetic partner into my life.
Am sure you’ll find your own true answers with time. to move on, you NEED to see your relationship for what it really was and who YOU and HIM really are. i think your co-dependency is the main problem though. For starters,.. you should change the perspective you looked at your relationship with: if you are getting a treatment you would be guilty or ashamed of giving.. specially in romantic relationships..know something is wrong and you need to stand up for yourself, than feel apologetic about it.
Standing up for oneself dose not mean confront the other directly. Thats again giving away too much power and losing energy in non-solution, more complication conflict. First you have to be clear about what you stand for.
Love is blind. But internet,Natalie, friends and Family are there to give perspective. First prepare yourself: take a step back and ask yourself.. for eg. when am i feeling bad and why is it so? why am i tolerating this bad treatment? am i afraid of confrontation? why?; how much did i give and what did he?; I had distanced myself for 2 weeks to answer these questions and many many more for myself before i talked with my then bf about my perspective on things… before breaking up and going no contact. did you?
love and all the best!
Elizabeth,
I am truly sorry this situation has happened to you. I was in a similar situation several years back, and trust me on this: you are absolutely better without Mr. Unavailable.
The best advice I can provide you, based on my experience, is to maintain No Contact no matter what happens. This means do not contact him, or allow him to contact you, under ANY circumstances whatsoever. Block his number and his e-mail. Take measures to avoid him in person.
Any time you are tempted to pick up that phone and call him or to send him an e-mail, make a list: list all the reasons why you went No Contact. List any and all behaviors that made you miserable. Did he tell lies? List that. Did he lead you on? Did he break promises? List those. Keep the list and pull it out whenever you are tempted to make contact so that you are kept down to earth and emotionally sober, because you will 100% REGRET any contact made. Mr. Unavailables are ever and always unavailable, and they will absolutely disappoint and devastate you each and every time. No Contact will seriously help you move on so much.
Natalie’s curt analysis on empathy and boundaries is a bit naive. Empathy is a basic standard in every human relationship, because it is inexorably linked to RESPECT. Relationship partners and prospects who lack empathy also lack respect, and you are always WELL within appropriate limits to set a boundary that demands they shape up and treat you with reasonable empathy or they can pack it up and leave. Never accept less than empathy and respect in your relationships. Those who cannot show you basic empathy, and who do not respond to boundaries that are set, do not deserve to participate in a relationship with you.
I wish you the very best and I hope you continue on this path towards happiness and at newer, healthier relationships.
My thought is anytime you are tempted to reach out to your NC person, ask yourself “Why? What am I feeling in this moment?” Chances are it is one or more of these things: I am lonely, I am scared that I just let the best person I’ve known out of my life and won’t ever find another, I am bored, I want to feel connected to someone.
Then, examine those feelings. Is the NC person the best way to ease your loneliness? Is the NC person really the best thing that ever happened to you, because if so, why did NC ever come into play? He/She probably dished out some really neglectful behavior toward you, so why are you so nostalgic for that? Is boredom a good reason to break NC? Did you really have a connection with your NC person, or were you wagging your tail for crumbs of attention?
My opinion is this: the ability in humans to empathize is growing weaker and weaker. I think it is showing up in the growth of domestic terrorism and the growth of everyday rudeness. Alexandria, there were so many ways to make your point without insult – for example, “I’d like to expound on empathy, if I may” or “Let me add my thoughts on empathy”. I think an inability to speak with empathy is one of the core reasons for chaotic interpersonal relationships.
There are varying degrees of empathy in a person. People who show no empathy toward their spouse feel all kinds of empathy for abused animals. People who neglect feeding the esteem of their children feel all kinds of empathy for flood victims who are miles away. You can indeed have long-term relationships where the empathy tank is low. But the most emotionally rewarding relationships are those where mutual empathy exists.
Elgie,
Those are great thoughts that you added. I especially like how you would ask different questions about your own feelings.
I think maybe the way unempathetic people display their symptoms now is not the same as it used to be. I suspect those who have committed recent violent acts probably always had an empathy problem, but the distinction is that now they believe they have an excuse to act it out on others.
Mr. Unavailables, because they leave us with so much hurt in our hearts, make us super aware that we are vulnerable. And with that awareness, we can become cynical and carry suspicion. It is a way to protect ourselves.
As I recovered, I attracted and met people who were were healthy, who showed reasonable empathy and respect towards me and towards others. It turns out, those people are not that rare. They are everywhere, because those empathy levels are normal. They only seem invisible, and are possibly less likely to engage us, when we send out signals of co-dependency or of unhappiness or neediness. These were signals I needed to correct, and it opened up the world to me.
Back in April I discovered this amazing site and Natalie’s wise advice along with all the reader’s experiences. It really helped me heal at a time when I was in deep pain. I had written a few comments about my painful break-up with the very charming but emotionally unavailable French Dr. who had stolen and then broken my heart.
I was really a wreck and every day felt like torture not to contact him, but I persisted. I really cared for him and he hurt me a lot.
In a way it was the best thing that could have happened to me because it forced me to stand on my own two feet and no longer accept being treated in a way that didn’t feel good. I will never again allow myself to be in a relationship where I don’t feel respected, secure and cherished – all the time. Where I have to wonder…
So after going back and forth a few confusing times, and finally ending it for good, I hadn’t heard from him in four months and then yesterday I got a phone call from him. All charming and missing me and “let’s go out, you know, just for a coffee, a movie… we know each other so well” …blah blah blah…
It felt so damn good and powerful to politely refuse the invitation; “no, I don’t think so, but thank you SO much for your call”. Yay me! Four months ago I never would have been able to resist another feeble attempt to get back together. I didn’t have the inner love of myself.
So I just want to give a message of encouragement to the ladies who think they will never get beyond the pain and needing to be with him so much. It gets easier and less painful, but you must give it time. And in that time, really try to get your own self esteem back by doing things on your own. Start to enjoy your own company and don’t freak out because you’re alone. It’s not the end of the world, and although it may feel like it, I promise you it’s not. You should not be in a relationship where most of the time you’re feeling insecure. Take it from someone who has been there and is doing so much better. Time is a great healer. Give it some time and you’ll get there.
Reading these encouraging words really helped by seeing that so many of you have already been through such pain and are feeling better now which proves it can be done.
I keep telling myself these things but it is difficult for me as my boyfriend of more than three years has broken up saying he can’t be in a relationship anymore and might need to be single for a few years in order to get his life in order. he is very sick as he suffers from depression, anxiety, addiction and I am thinking he might also have a personality disorder from how he behaved towards me all of a sudden. from the beginning of our relationship it was difficult to see him suffer and he would be emotionally distant so so many times and shying away from future plans when only moments later we would feel completely close. I see all the negative things which made it so difficult but we were getting along very well until the end and are very compatible when it’s not about emotional availability, having the same humor, laughing a lot together, the same interests and goals in life. He was acting very ambivalent saying things which did not make any sense for a sane person and transferred all his hate, anger and aggression towards me when I gave my all in the relationship and always tried to make him feel better.
he said really hurtful things and basically changed to a completely different character within days. for instance he said that the time we spent together was 20 hours of awesomeness and 4 hours he felt as though I stabbed him in the back with a knife and that he felt nothing but hate towards me and can only remember the bad memories. at the same time he wanted to stay in contact, be like friends and share all the good stuff together without any problems and fights so that when he would be better we could see if we are still compatible. But this was open end and I realized that would not be healthy for me so I broke off all contact. He seemed to be ok with this.
It’s hard for me to let go even though I know he really is not ready to be in a serious relationship with me like we used to be. However the problem is that I remember too many of our great moments when he was in a better place.
I tell myself he won’t be able to change any time soon and that he’s not the person I can build the life with that I want, such as a family, having children, working in another country and being secure…is this the right approach?