I’m going to start this post by stating the obvious – Sex does not a relationship make. It’s not the be all and end all and all that jazz. OK, moving on swiftly now that we have that established!
But…and there is a big frickin’ massive BUT here…
Bad enough that a guy gives you a bad relationship but if he’s not even giving anything in the sack, I have to wonder why the hell a woman would be sticking around?
In the past I’ve had a lot of emails from women where they tell me the most awful things about their relationship with a guy and they finish it off by saying how they love him and the sex is amazing and yada, yada, and it’s what I’ve previously referred to as Great Dysfunctional Sex – sex powered by lots of negativity normally created by drama and insecurity. Crude as it may sound, you’d be amazed at the number of women that will stick in a bad relationship when a guy has a big dick and/or can sex them like crazy. It’s not an excuse, but I kind of understand a bit how someone can get blinded by the sex.
But I’ve noticed over the last few months that I am getting a lot of emails and comments from readers mentioning bad relationships AND bad sex. What the hell is all of this about?
So let me get this right, some of you are with guys that are:
mean with the relationship
mean with their time
mean with their affections
mean with their investment into the relationship
mean with their emotions
AND mean in the bedroom!!!
Where the hell have we gone so wrong that we would be prepared to take anything that we can get from man just as long as we get a semblance of a relationship?
Are we afraid to be alone?
Are we afraid that we might not find somebody else?
Are we afraid that this is all we can get and all we’re gonna get?
Are we afraid of letting go?
Are we afraid of having to deal with our own issues?
Bad relationships that are full of drama, emotional unavailability and anything else that happens to be counter productive to a successful relationship are devaluing, degrading, and have a nasty habit of reducing our self-esteem so that we end up feeling like non-entities and even more dependent on the poor relationship because how we perceive ourselves becomes intrinsically tied to how successful or unsuccessful our relationships are.
Which is what is so worrying about being in a bad relationship and getting bad sex because these things coupled together will have women on the receiving end believing that is something about them that is unlovable. They think that if they can just be everything that he wants, that POOF, great relationship and great sex will magically appear.
So along with trying to extract a decent relationship out of a man that doesn’t want to give one or be in one, you find yourself trying to turn him into Mr Loverman when all he wants to do is get his.
Some of them will happily give you a cuddle but they’ll give you worse sex than a teenager scewing like a jackhammer. And I’m sorry, but a cuddle just doesn’t cut the mustard when it’s not that he can’t have sex (for instant – impotent); he just doesn’t want the sex to be a two way street. He’ll happily take but he won’t give, so as usual, it’s all about him and his selfishness.
His problems, his world, his everything, his sexual gratification.
Where do you fit in? Is there anything in this relationship that gets to be about YOU?
In this situation, bad sex and him deigning you with the opportunity to pleasure him becomes ‘affection’ and ‘attention’.
Of course, because these guys are very good at seeing themselves as Mr Wonderful, you can be damn sure that they are totally unreceptive to any type of criticism or efforts by you to get involved in the action.
In effect, you could be a cardboard cut out for all intents and purposes and if any of you have any sense, you’ll take a recent photo of yourself and get that cardboard cut-out made and leave your no good man to his own devices with it!
Some of the descriptions of the bad sex that some of you are enduring has been eye wateringly, mouth gapingingly difficult to read. Along with the litany of problems in the relationship, I am just flabbergasted as to why these women even want these guys that have sex like they’re dry humping even though they’re actually not…
All I keep thinking is why, why, why…
But it’s because these men jack you. They rob you (and you willingly let them) of any remaining self-esteem so that you don’t even know who you are anymore. Everything that is happening just contributes to the feeling of not being good enough and being like a non-entity.
When they go, you feel empty and you don’t know where to start because the crap sex assclown has gone off down the street with your self-esteem holding on to him.
Ladies, if you are having lots of drama, problems, whatever in your relationship – let’s say lots of negative stuff AND you are getting bad sex, what exactly do you need to happen to galvanise you into action to get the hell out of this situation? Seriously! Tell me!
You have got to start saying NO to this crap and feeling the pain of letting go. Yeah it hurts but it’s better than being degraded and devalued day in day out. Seriously, you need to attribute a value to you. YOU need to treat YOU right. YOU should only be doing stuff that positively contributes to YOUR life.
I know it’s not all about giving to receive, but I swear if I read one more email from a reader telling me how she pulls put all the stops sexing the crap out of him with the works (oral sex, massage, dressing up – you name it, they do it) treating him like a king whilst he lays back, takes it, and gives back nothing, I may weep!
Personally, if all I’m going to get is a crap shag no matter what I put out effort wise, I’d start putting out minimal effort…
If you have a great relationship in all other areas bar the bedroom, at least you have something to work with and he’s likely to be far more receptive to doing something about it!
This actually isn’t about the sex – this is about the fact that there doesn’t seem to be a cut off point. How bad do things have to be?
The bad sex represents another area of selfishness and meanness in an already pitiful relationship. It’s yet another red flag and it’s yet another revelation that you’re getting crumbs.
Let go! Cut it off! The relationship that is!
Your thoughts?
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Finally, someone talks about the rather ugly truth! Thank you NML for telling it to us like it is! This reminds me of that quote from SATC when Samantha gets screwed badly “Fuck me badly once, shame on you. Fuck me badly twice, shame on me.†I won’t be picking up the phone to my EUM next time he comes looking to give me some bad sex!
It should really be no surprise to any of us that part of the relationship with an EUM is bad sex. If they aren’t fulfilling your needs in all other aspects of your relationship, why should sex be excluded? I think it’s all about the fact that they are scared to death to give of themselves, and let’s face it, sex (at least good sex) is about fully giving yourself to someone else, and also allowing them to give to you. Most EUMs aren’t good at the “total giving of themselves” thing. Even though it may feel good to them, it’s an act of total intimacy and sharing that scares them so much that it makes them lousy lovers. I agree that this is a HUGE red flag.
OverIt, you’re right — it shouldn’t be a surprise. But it is hard to fathom why we stay anyway! My ex was even a bad kisser. But I was so busy thinking he was a good guy in other aspects that I thought it’d be shallow to bail. It was a symptom. And I should have run. But I kept thinking it’d get better. It seemed like an issue I could solve, and boy do I love a good challenge. Ditto the ED. Looking back, I was simply being ridiculous.
My mom posits that I dated this guy and got so hung up on him because I wasn’t ready to find someone who could really fit with me after an earlier, serious relationship ended. Does this explain why I stuck around and pined after someone who gave me hickeys (seriously, are we in middle school?) and couldn’t get it up? I don’t know. But it sure was silly.
I think there are some fundamental differences between bad relationships with predators and with parasites.
http://www.itsaboutmakingbabies.com/2008/05/01/the-uncivilized-relationship-vs-abusive-relationship/
The girls stuck with the worst of the uncivilized relationships are too focused on safety and shelter and food for sex to be a deciding factor. That makes me feel really sad for them.
For me my EUM wasn’t selfish in the sex arena at all. In fact he wanted to please me & we talked openly about sex all the time. We had a great physical attraction years ago when we were dating & that was still there. We had sex often & both enjoyed it. There were a couple of times I remember the “dry” thing as NML calls it & I didn’t understand why he would lie about ejac since we were always so open with one another about sex. Maybe I over reacted to it. I just found it odd that so many of us here have run into these problems. I agree with FinallyOverIt that it shouldn’t be a surprise based on their commitment/intimacy issues. I found that when he had trouble accessing his emotions is when it would be an issue. I think all of us here are just trying to understand what happened & why. For me that is how I heal. I thought I was going crazy before I found this sight as I have never run into someone with this behavior. I had never had anyone say the things to me this man did then disappear for days. I needed to understand that. Now I do. This site is how I have been able to heal. Thx to NML & everyone for talking to me & sharing your stories!
Kim, I totally agree with you that knowing others have gone through similar situations as you in their relationships makes you not feel so alone–that’s why support groups are so important and helpful to us. I see this website as a support group, and combined with NML’s wisdom and all of your comments and sharing stories, I have learned so much and feel as though I am finally truly moving forward in my life. It’s strange because I don’t really know any of you, and we span the globe as far as where we all live, but I feel a bond with all of you! Thank you!
FinallyOverIt- So true! Us women need to support one another & stick together. Therapy didn’t even help me as much as this site & all of you! Just one person such as NML can make a huge difference in others lives just by sharing her story. I don’t know if she realizes how helpful she has been to all of us! It is cool that we span the globe & help one another!
This article hit a spot with me. 6 months ago I finished an off/on relationship with a Narcissist/emotional abuser/predator. Sounds heavy – well it was, but not at first. He was very charming at first, reliable, polite, but the red flags were there to start with he had 12 mobiles and the relationship was more or less conducted by text messages. He flooded me with 48 text messages the first evening – basically he love bombed me, told me I was gorgeous and ticked more boxes than he had hoped for. But then he started to change, became unreliable, cancelling arrangements and I suspected that he was cheating. The sex was not good either, he refused point blank to give me foreplay, but as the article says I was hooked by his only major asset, and I questionned myself about this alot. Towards the end of one year and being messed about both in the bedroom and outside, I decided to call it day, after he more or less showed me that he was liaising with other women. I realised that in my bid to be patient, caring etc, I had been taken for a ride, abused and conned. I am still recovering over this and my mental and physical health have been quite damaged. These predators are very clever, they know how to be charming to get what they want, and when they have others lined up they will discard you as though you never existed.
Based on your last comments: then feel sorry for them, not yourself. It’s a sad sad thing when anyone (EUM or not) gets off on using and abusing others…a sad sad thing for them! Let it go. You have to want to let it go. And NC helps with that. FOREVER. The Disdcarder I once knew I see all the time–he always puts himself into plain view, expecting me to be/play “nice” and say “hi”. No way. NEVER. You do the same. And, yes, the day will come that you will run into him…
confession! my ex-EUM (12 days NC!!) was selfish in every way. in the beginning of our relationship – sex was off the scale – exciting and fun! It was what hooked me. I’d never enjoyed sex so much in my life and then …. he started gaining weight and i found myself doing all the work – he’d just lay there.
It got to the point that I asked him if I was only good for bj’s and back-rubs? He smiled and said, Im not complaining!
… fast forward to now. It finally got to me one day and I asked him (innocently enough) if he didn’t find me attractive anymore … because we hardly ever DID it anymore. Guess what? He blew up in my face! Told me I was questioning his manhood – that I obviously wasn’t satisfied … I could hardly even open my mouth to respond, he was so furious. Well, he said enough to make me cry and I packed up my shit and left. Later that day he called me and broke it off.
I am so incredibly DONE. This web-site is a life-saver, sanity-saver and self-esteem saver.
thank you so much.
Had this happen to me too. Luckily, I only made the mistake of having sex with the narcissitic object of my affections once. Despite his bragging about his sexual prowess, this AC gave no foreplay, literally hurt me in the act (he is huge!), and caused me soreness and bleeding, not to mention I was naseous the next day. Even after I asked him to be gentle (I had been celibate for six years), he still was very rough and even sounded pleased when I told him it hurt. Sadistic. He even bit me and instructed me to bite him after I pushed him off of me and told him to stop. Then he tried to make is seem like his unfulfillment (discomfort for not getting to ejaculate) was my fault. And he went on to brag that normally, he can go for 3 hours with breaks in-between. I thought, “AC, please!” Who was he lying to? Then I was stupid enough for wanting to try it again later on, thinking if I could just please him, he’d like me more. I’m glad that never happened. He was totally selfish to the max.
See my answer to Beverly, above. I see that I spelled “Discarder” as “Disdcarder”–which I don’t mind, as this combines “disdain” with “discard”–which is more appropriate as to the way these jerks see their victims, too!