I’m going to start this post by stating the obvious – Sex does not a relationship make. It’s not the be all and end all and all that jazz. OK, moving on swiftly now that we have that established!
But…and there is a big frickin’ massive BUT here…
Bad enough that a guy gives you a bad relationship but if he’s not even giving anything in the sack, I have to wonder why the hell a woman would be sticking around?
In the past I’ve had a lot of emails from women where they tell me the most awful things about their relationship with a guy and they finish it off by saying how they love him and the sex is amazing and yada, yada, and it’s what I’ve previously referred to as Great Dysfunctional Sex – sex powered by lots of negativity normally created by drama and insecurity. Crude as it may sound, you’d be amazed at the number of women that will stick in a bad relationship when a guy has a big dick and/or can sex them like crazy. It’s not an excuse, but I kind of understand a bit how someone can get blinded by the sex.
But I’ve noticed over the last few months that I am getting a lot of emails and comments from readers mentioning bad relationships AND bad sex. What the hell is all of this about?
So let me get this right, some of you are with guys that are:
mean with the relationship
mean with their time
mean with their affections
mean with their investment into the relationship
mean with their emotions
AND mean in the bedroom!!!
Where the hell have we gone so wrong that we would be prepared to take anything that we can get from man just as long as we get a semblance of a relationship?
Are we afraid to be alone?
Are we afraid that we might not find somebody else?
Are we afraid that this is all we can get and all we’re gonna get?
Are we afraid of letting go?
Are we afraid of having to deal with our own issues?
Bad relationships that are full of drama, emotional unavailability and anything else that happens to be counter productive to a successful relationship are devaluing, degrading, and have a nasty habit of reducing our self-esteem so that we end up feeling like non-entities and even more dependent on the poor relationship because how we perceive ourselves becomes intrinsically tied to how successful or unsuccessful our relationships are.
Which is what is so worrying about being in a bad relationship and getting bad sex because these things coupled together will have women on the receiving end believing that is something about them that is unlovable. They think that if they can just be everything that he wants, that POOF, great relationship and great sex will magically appear.
So along with trying to extract a decent relationship out of a man that doesn’t want to give one or be in one, you find yourself trying to turn him into Mr Loverman when all he wants to do is get his.
Some of them will happily give you a cuddle but they’ll give you worse sex than a teenager scewing like a jackhammer. And I’m sorry, but a cuddle just doesn’t cut the mustard when it’s not that he can’t have sex (for instant – impotent); he just doesn’t want the sex to be a two way street. He’ll happily take but he won’t give, so as usual, it’s all about him and his selfishness.
His problems, his world, his everything, his sexual gratification.
Where do you fit in? Is there anything in this relationship that gets to be about YOU?
In this situation, bad sex and him deigning you with the opportunity to pleasure him becomes ‘affection’ and ‘attention’.
Of course, because these guys are very good at seeing themselves as Mr Wonderful, you can be damn sure that they are totally unreceptive to any type of criticism or efforts by you to get involved in the action.
In effect, you could be a cardboard cut out for all intents and purposes and if any of you have any sense, you’ll take a recent photo of yourself and get that cardboard cut-out made and leave your no good man to his own devices with it!
Some of the descriptions of the bad sex that some of you are enduring has been eye wateringly, mouth gapingingly difficult to read. Along with the litany of problems in the relationship, I am just flabbergasted as to why these women even want these guys that have sex like they’re dry humping even though they’re actually not…
All I keep thinking is why, why, why…
But it’s because these men jack you. They rob you (and you willingly let them) of any remaining self-esteem so that you don’t even know who you are anymore. Everything that is happening just contributes to the feeling of not being good enough and being like a non-entity.
When they go, you feel empty and you don’t know where to start because the crap sex assclown has gone off down the street with your self-esteem holding on to him.
Ladies, if you are having lots of drama, problems, whatever in your relationship – let’s say lots of negative stuff AND you are getting bad sex, what exactly do you need to happen to galvanise you into action to get the hell out of this situation? Seriously! Tell me!
You have got to start saying NO to this crap and feeling the pain of letting go. Yeah it hurts but it’s better than being degraded and devalued day in day out. Seriously, you need to attribute a value to you. YOU need to treat YOU right. YOU should only be doing stuff that positively contributes to YOUR life.
I know it’s not all about giving to receive, but I swear if I read one more email from a reader telling me how she pulls put all the stops sexing the crap out of him with the works (oral sex, massage, dressing up – you name it, they do it) treating him like a king whilst he lays back, takes it, and gives back nothing, I may weep!
Personally, if all I’m going to get is a crap shag no matter what I put out effort wise, I’d start putting out minimal effort…
If you have a great relationship in all other areas bar the bedroom, at least you have something to work with and he’s likely to be far more receptive to doing something about it!
This actually isn’t about the sex – this is about the fact that there doesn’t seem to be a cut off point. How bad do things have to be?
The bad sex represents another area of selfishness and meanness in an already pitiful relationship. It’s yet another red flag and it’s yet another revelation that you’re getting crumbs.
Let go! Cut it off! The relationship that is!