In part one I talked about why excess emotional baggage is a recipe for overloading the emotional plane and in part two I show you why it is so damaging and give you a way to assess whether you are ‘overweight’ in the baggage department…..
Basic human interaction between people is based on acceptance and rejection which means that when a guy displays an unacceptable behaviour for the first time, at that point we have the choice to either accept or reject it.
If we accept it, he will assume that it is OK and continue, and you are essentially opening the floodgates.
If you reject it, he has the option to play by respect your boundaries, or walk away.
Some guys will try the behaviour again, but repeated rejection of behaviour sets a tone, just as much as repeated acceptance. With the first, it will become apparent to both of you that something needs to change or it can’t work, whereas the latter says, ‘I’m a pushover’.
Look at the capacity to accept ‘baggage’ in relationships as if we have a check-in desk at an airline.
Every passenger has hand baggage (maximum 10kg) and let’s say that they’re allowed to check in one additional piece of baggage that must not weigh more than 20kg.
There is no ‘excess baggage’ option which means the combined weight must not exceed 30kg. If you are overweight, in order for the baggage to board the relationship plane, something needs to be removed from the case
Women who allow too much in their relationships are letting on passengers that have not only exceeded the baggage restrictions, but are weighing down the ‘flight’. Imagine when a woman does that with every single man that comes into her life, and you have baggage overload and a plane malfunction.
Emotionally unavailable 50kg
Abusive (emotionally or physically) 50kg
Married with kids 50kg
Has a girlfriend 40kg
Not over ex 40kg
Separated for an extensive period of time 40kg
Has cheated on you 40kg
Has cheated on you more than once 40kg + 10kg for each offence
Separated but no divorce proceedings initiated 35kg
Has a long-distance relationship with someone else 35kg
Likes to play the victim 35kg
He’s ambiguous about the status of the relationship 30kg
Nasty and spiteful 30kg
Still lives with ex but claims broken up 30kg
You’re more of a booty call than a relationship 30kg
Has an addiction (drugs, sex, alcohol etc) 30kg
Still ‘active’ on online dating sites 25kg
Dating multiple women 25kg
He controls when you see him and when you communicate 25kg
He creeps out after sleeping with you 25kg
He has several children by several different women 25kg
Blows hot and cold 25kg
Still keeps in touch with his ex but has lied about it 25kg
He doesn’t come around to your place until late 25kg
His child’s mother tries to sabotage your relationship 20kg
He’s keeping his relationship with you a secret 20kg
Displays irrational anger and aggression 20kg
Problems with past or childhood 20kg
Separated but divorce proceeding 20kg
It’s long-distance 20kg
When you try to resolve problems he calls you needy 20kg
He doesn’t call when he’s supposed to 15kg
Mother hater or Mama’s Boy 15kg
Cautious after breakup 10kg
Finds it difficult to express feelings but tries 10kg
Has stood you up 10kg
As women we have a tendency to allow much of the wrong things and disallow many of the right things. We’ll allow a guy to be unavailable or mistreat us because he’s got a big dick, money, or because we don’t feel secure enough to tell him to get lost, but we won’t allow a guy past the gates if he’s ‘too nice’, hasn’t got the right hair, job, or doesn’t provide the drama that we’re accustomed to.
We really do have to get real with ourselves and get savvier about the quality of men and relationships that we let into our life.
While I’m not suggesting that we don’t all have a bit of baggage, people that you can have relationships with tend to have hand baggage, and may even use up a bit of the checked in baggage quota. It may seem from the baggage list that it’s easy to reach and go over the baggage allowance and that’s because it is.
The baggage that you are taking on board represents highly dysfunctional, destructive, disruptive behaviour and situations that can only damage you, not make you happy.
Every time you put any old baggage on board, you:
Sideline your own needs and desires.
Take the focus off your own baggage that you need to resolve and you become laden down with theirs.
Keep some of his baggage behind with your own, even when they have long departed–it merges into yours, becoming yours because it affects your self-esteem.
Put yourself further and further away from a quality relationship with yourself and a man.
If you want to find out more about why we make some our relationship choices and get to understand Mr Unavailables you should be reading my ebook Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl. Find out more and buy and download.”