In part one I talked about why excess emotional baggage is a recipe for overloading the emotional plane and in part two I show you why it is so damaging and give you a way to assess whether you are ‘overweight’ in the baggage department…..
Basic human interaction between people is based on acceptance and rejection which means that when a guy displays an unacceptable behaviour for the first time, at that point we have the choice to either accept or reject it.
If we accept it, he will assume that it is OK and continue, and you are essentially opening the floodgates.
If you reject it, he has the option to play by respect your boundaries, or walk away.
Some guys will try the behaviour again, but repeated rejection of behaviour sets a tone, just as much as repeated acceptance. With the first, it will become apparent to both of you that something needs to change or it can’t work, whereas the latter says, ‘I’m a pushover’.
Look at the capacity to accept ‘baggage’ in relationships as if we have a check-in desk at an airline.
Every passenger has hand baggage (maximum 10kg) and let’s say that they’re allowed to check in one additional piece of baggage that must not weigh more than 20kg.
There is no ‘excess baggage’ option which means the combined weight must not exceed 30kg. If you are overweight, in order for the baggage to board the relationship plane, something needs to be removed from the case
Women who allow too much in their relationships are letting on passengers that have not only exceeded the baggage restrictions, but are weighing down the ‘flight’. Imagine when a woman does that with every single man that comes into her life, and you have baggage overload and a plane malfunction.
Item Weights
Emotionally unavailable 50kg
Abusive (emotionally or physically) 50kg
Married with kids 50kg
Married 40kg
Has a girlfriend 40kg
Not over ex 40kg
Separated for an extensive period of time 40kg
Has cheated on you 40kg
Has cheated on you more than once 40kg + 10kg for each offence
Separated but no divorce proceedings initiated 35kg
Has a long-distance relationship with someone else 35kg
Likes to play the victim 35kg
He’s ambiguous about the status of the relationship 30kg
Controlling 30kg
Nasty and spiteful 30kg
Still lives with ex but claims broken up 30kg
You’re more of a booty call than a relationship 30kg
Has an addiction (drugs, sex, alcohol etc) 30kg
Irresponsible 25kg
Still ‘active’ on online dating sites 25kg
Dating multiple women 25kg
He controls when you see him and when you communicate 25kg
He creeps out after sleeping with you 25kg
He has several children by several different women 25kg
Blows hot and cold 25kg
Still keeps in touch with his ex but has lied about it 25kg
He doesn’t come around to your place until late 25kg
His child’s mother tries to sabotage your relationship 20kg
He’s keeping his relationship with you a secret 20kg
Displays irrational anger and aggression 20kg
Problems with past or childhood 20kg
Separated but divorce proceeding 20kg
It’s long-distance 20kg
When you try to resolve problems he calls you needy 20kg
He doesn’t call when he’s supposed to 15kg
Mother hater or Mama’s Boy 15kg
Cautious after breakup 10kg
Finds it difficult to express feelings but tries 10kg
Has stood you up 10kg
As women we have a tendency to allow much of the wrong things and disallow many of the right things. We’ll allow a guy to be unavailable or mistreat us because he’s got a big dick, money, or because we don’t feel secure enough to tell him to get lost, but we won’t allow a guy past the gates if he’s ‘too nice’, hasn’t got the right hair, job, or doesn’t provide the drama that we’re accustomed to.
We really do have to get real with ourselves and get savvier about the quality of men and relationships that we let into our life.
While I’m not suggesting that we don’t all have a bit of baggage, people that you can have relationships with tend to have hand baggage, and may even use up a bit of the checked in baggage quota. It may seem from the baggage list that it’s easy to reach and go over the baggage allowance and that’s because it is.
The baggage that you are taking on board represents highly dysfunctional, destructive, disruptive behaviour and situations that can only damage you, not make you happy.
Every time you put any old baggage on board, you:
Sideline your own needs and desires.
Take the focus off your own baggage that you need to resolve and you become laden down with theirs.
Keep some of his baggage behind with your own, even when they have long departed–it merges into yours, becoming yours because it affects your self-esteem.
Put yourself further and further away from a quality relationship with yourself and a man.
If you want to find out more about why we make some our relationship choices and get to understand Mr Unavailables you should be reading my ebook Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl. Find out more and buy and download.”
Emotionally unavailable weighs 10 kilos more than cheating! Good Lord…
I would like to propose a few items that could lighten the load:
Great sense of humor -10 kg
Honest & trustworthy -15 kg
Fan of A Proper Soccer Team -20 kg
Any of those items removes weight. I’m a Fulham fan BTW, so I don’t know what that does to my load, although they did just escape relegation.
Terry
on 13/05/2008 at 4:19 pm
OMG! My baggage weight is over 100kg…at least…
Astelle
on 13/05/2008 at 5:13 pm
My baggage USED to be 390 kg. I needed my own airplane 🙂
I am cracking up laughing! When I worked out the weight of the Mr Unavailable that triggered my awareness, he came in at 265 kg!
Astelle, you need your own airport 😉
Astelle
on 13/05/2008 at 7:01 pm
Kim, you beat me?? 🙂
NML, 265 kg would have been considered a “good catch” for me and Kim! 🙂
Kim
on 13/05/2008 at 7:11 pm
Astelle – LOL You’re killing me!
NML – the “airport” line was a hoot! Thx for the laughs girls! I needed it!
lisaq
on 14/05/2008 at 12:44 pm
Lord God I can’t even count that high and my calculator just started smoking and making funny noises! I’m sure it’s going to blow any minute now!
cheekie
on 14/05/2008 at 3:12 pm
Um, Lance. It’s FOOTBALL, not soccer.
As a proper fan shouldn’t you know these things, hmm?
LOL…
I love this list. Made me laugh and think at the same time. My seperation/divorce has dragged on for-bloody-ever, but it’s just because we are lazy. Well, he is. I nag. He ignores it.
Tough titties for him. lol. Finally got him to file everything.
and lisaq? god you make me laugh, hard….
I have a matching set of carry-on, with wheels and a big handle. Easy to carry…
🙂
Brad K.
on 16/05/2008 at 3:11 pm
Lance,
I disagree. A one-legged goalie might still be my second choice, even with a good sense of humor. And baggage such as this definitely hampers a relationship.
And I would find”Honest & trustworthy” a weird and creepy mix with the deceit and disrespect of the baggage.
NML, I think a few o f your baggage weights were a bit light. Maybe I am just over-sensitive. Great list!
ly
on 16/05/2008 at 5:32 pm
mine weighs in at (at least) 235kg…which, here in the states is equivalent to 518 lbs!! that’s 135 lbs over the maximum limit for checked baggage for most airlines!
amy
on 16/05/2008 at 10:20 pm
325 kg for my ex. At least.
Getting Stronger
on 26/05/2008 at 8:25 pm
Mine is at least 210kg…that’s a load. I’ve slipped and got back with him for 2 weeks…now I don’t know how to end it again……HELP
Ernesta
on 29/12/2008 at 11:48 pm
500kg! Wow, I’m glad I ended it.
Astelle
on 30/12/2008 at 12:40 am
Ernesta, 500 kg? 🙂 Let’s see how many suitcases would you need… 🙂
Let’s see NML gave my my own airport with 390 kg, I am guessing they would deny you entrance to the airport? 🙂
Good riddance, be glad you ended it, it will all get better.
I’ve been running Baggage Reclaim since September 2005, and I’ve spent many thousands of hours writing this labour of love. The site has been ad-free the entire time, and it costs hundreds of pounds a month to run it on my own. If what I share here has helped you and you’re in a position to do so, I would love if you could make a donation. Your support is so very much appreciated! Thank you.
Copyright Natalie Lue 2005-2025, All rights reserved. Written and express permission along with credit is needed to reproduce and distribute excerpts or entire pieces of my work.
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Emotionally unavailable weighs 10 kilos more than cheating! Good Lord…
I would like to propose a few items that could lighten the load:
Great sense of humor -10 kg
Honest & trustworthy -15 kg
Fan of A Proper Soccer Team -20 kg
Any of those items removes weight. I’m a Fulham fan BTW, so I don’t know what that does to my load, although they did just escape relegation.
OMG! My baggage weight is over 100kg…at least…
My baggage USED to be 390 kg. I needed my own airplane 🙂
I’ve got you beat Astelle!
I am cracking up laughing! When I worked out the weight of the Mr Unavailable that triggered my awareness, he came in at 265 kg!
Astelle, you need your own airport 😉
Kim, you beat me?? 🙂
NML, 265 kg would have been considered a “good catch” for me and Kim! 🙂
Astelle – LOL You’re killing me!
NML – the “airport” line was a hoot! Thx for the laughs girls! I needed it!
Lord God I can’t even count that high and my calculator just started smoking and making funny noises! I’m sure it’s going to blow any minute now!
Um, Lance. It’s FOOTBALL, not soccer.
As a proper fan shouldn’t you know these things, hmm?
LOL…
I love this list. Made me laugh and think at the same time. My seperation/divorce has dragged on for-bloody-ever, but it’s just because we are lazy. Well, he is. I nag. He ignores it.
Tough titties for him. lol. Finally got him to file everything.
and lisaq? god you make me laugh, hard….
I have a matching set of carry-on, with wheels and a big handle. Easy to carry…
🙂
Lance,
I disagree. A one-legged goalie might still be my second choice, even with a good sense of humor. And baggage such as this definitely hampers a relationship.
And I would find”Honest & trustworthy” a weird and creepy mix with the deceit and disrespect of the baggage.
NML, I think a few o f your baggage weights were a bit light. Maybe I am just over-sensitive. Great list!
mine weighs in at (at least) 235kg…which, here in the states is equivalent to 518 lbs!! that’s 135 lbs over the maximum limit for checked baggage for most airlines!
325 kg for my ex. At least.
Mine is at least 210kg…that’s a load. I’ve slipped and got back with him for 2 weeks…now I don’t know how to end it again……HELP
500kg! Wow, I’m glad I ended it.
Ernesta, 500 kg? 🙂 Let’s see how many suitcases would you need… 🙂
Let’s see NML gave my my own airport with 390 kg, I am guessing they would deny you entrance to the airport? 🙂
Good riddance, be glad you ended it, it will all get better.