I’m going to say something that may be a little revelatory for those amongst us that suffer with insecurity about your partner’s past –
People don’t land on earth just in time for you to receive them for your relationship with no past in tow.
Everyone has past and it’s called a past for a reason: It was the time before you.
If you are struggling with your partner’s past, it’s not a good indicator of things to come and there has to come a point when you either decide to let go of the past, or let go of them.
It is pointless being with someone if all you are going to do is beat them over the head with their past. They will feel frustrated, distrusted and resentful and in turn, your insecurity will continue to grow as a wall builds up between you. If your partner is always explaining and justifying their past, there will come a point when they will just shut down.
The biggest question I have for someone who is struggling to deal with a partner’s past is this: If you can’t get over something that you weren’t even a part of, why are you still there?
There is no law that says that just because something is in the past that people must roll over and accept it, but there is nothing to be accomplished by staying in a relationship and ramming someone’s past down their throat. They might as well have stayed with the previous partner.
If you are struggling so much with it, it’s because you feel uncomfortable about what you think it may imply for your own relationship.
Classic examples:
- He tells you he’s cheated in the past – you think that he may cheat on you. Can a leopard ever change its spots?
- He admits that it took him a long time to come to term with getting over his ex – you think he still wants her.
- He admits that he used to be quite shallow and that he dated models. You wonder, Is he dating beneath him now?
- He slept around a lot. You wonder whether you’re enough for him and whether he can be trusted?
- He ‘used’ to be a playa. You think, Is he playing me?
It is clear that whatever people struggle with when dealing with someone’s past, it’s because we relate it back to ourselves and wonder how it affects us.
Depending on how unsettled you are by it, it may be a case of that no matter what he says, the feelings that it creates in you just knowing what you know, signal the beginning of the end…even if you do try to cling on.
Whatever it is that you’re struggling with, I recommend you do the following:
1) Once he has told you this piece of information from his past, ask whatever questions that you need to. If you need time to digest, hold off until you have gathered your thoughts.
2) Ask whatever questions you need to but, be careful of interrogation. Remember that he’s telling you about his past and try not to judge.
3) Decide whether you can accept his explanation and his past.
4) If you can accept it, draw a line under it and move on. Do not keep bringing it up and don’t let it be the focus of your thoughts.
5) Remember that the past is the past and it’s about whether this person can or has earned your trust while they’ve been with you.
Have you been looking at everything through rose-coloured glasses and ignoring red flags? Do you have a pattern of being with men that tend to have these types of past? Do you have a history of being with Mr Unavailables (emotionally unavailable men) and Bad Boys?
6) If you can’t accept it, tell him. If you know that deep down you will never feel right about what you know, you have reached the end of the road. In some cases, only time will tell but there is also nothing wrong with having standards and deciding that you just aren’t comfortable with certain things.
7) Don’t bring it up in arguments
8) Don’t make snide comments about it when you’re feeling bitchy/insecure
Good luck!
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Wow…this is such a great article. Thanks!
I dont know how to let go of it.
I recently found out he has been talking to his ex behind my back te entire time we have been together.
She destroyed him.Did he really leave her behind after she left him..no
I need to add…i found out more of his relationship with his ex through blogs.
He was a very charming blogger on this blog and others.
Many of you know him well.
I knew she existed,we deicided no more ex friendship.
We got pregnant,married and 3 weeks post partum,I found the log of the phone calls.
This together with all the pics,blog entries,diary,emails and lamenting to his friends over her loss, prior to meeting me,makes me wonder was he over her…when i met him..12 months later .
The way he treats me,the way he loves me is without complaint..but in light of the lying to me and keeping her in his life is tragic.
And trust me he is an artist,blogger,.photographer,so I have come to know of his relationship with great depth.
The pieces I dont know,makes me hurt more.
Also his blogging has revealed his attraction and preference to a particular race of woman..hes not their race either ..
He and I are not of the same race.
I am not that race ….can he truly be attracted to me when his entire dating life and the woman he lived with for 6 years is nothing like me ..not in looks,not in her choices,not in the way she views life.
Shes very shallow,he admits was not a smart girl.
This seems to be the repeated record in his life.
Shallow and not bright up there women.
Now i realise,physically ..i may not even be his type.
I have no issues with my looks…not to sound vain..im very comfortable..and i have a 164 iq.
But if im not what he likes ..im simply that.
THe divorce papers got here yesterday..
I love him..but im ready to sign it.
Its not so much of will he do this again.
Its more of what he has done..who he has loved and i said to him..the man in the diary didnt die..if he did..she would have only have to hear from others how you are doing..but you would have never kept her this close,knowing all the things i saw and knew about you two..including pics of them making love in the past lives.
I asked him,before my many discoveries,to stop talking to her…he didnt..after all i found and cried and screamed..i had no idea he was still talking to her ..i never knew.
What do you think ?
Can he truly be in love with me…
He was so convincing about his disgust for her,what she did to him,the life they lived,i would have lost my life bettign on him.
This is so true. A great article. If you know yourself and are your own best friend I think you realize what deal breakers are. If someone wants to be with you they will. If they lie and cannot be open about who they are remaining friends with then there is something wrong. We can’t fix people, we can only be as authentic and transparent with people we love and hope that they can return that. If they can’t then it’s only a onesided relationship. Why would anyone who is loving, compassionate and beautiful want to be with anyone who doesn’t want that??????
OH my dear sweet contradiction… you and I are kindred spirits. Though I didn’t marry, nor bear a child, the same thing happened to me. He pursued me, swearing that he was totally disgusted with her, she stole his money while he was out of the country, cheated on him and divorced him all the while he was gone, but he wanted to get over her… but that dang pull as I call it “pavlov’ s dog” got to him… we would be together things would be good, then she would call, or he couldn’t stay away from her… He knew she was poison, and she kept dating the man she divorced him for. didn’t matter, what she did, she could never do anything wrong in his eyes, when the whole world saw her for what she truly is… he refuses to see it.
This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do, is walk away, but I have to. They need to play this out without me being here, I am sorry that you are having to deal with this with the added complexity of marriage and a child, but you need to step out of this circle. They will continue to do this, no matter how many “other” people are in their lives. Just remember that you are worth more than this and it is his loss. Because what she did to him, she will do to other people too, he is a “sucker and loves the abuse” as my brother says… it is soo true.
Hang in there, tomorrow will be brighter and one day there will be someone who will love you and only you…
Good website to check out.. “Paige Parker’s Dating without Drama” help you get your self estem back that they attempted to take down to their level.
Good Luck
You know you’ve reached a brand new low when your personal life is being dragged across the internet. Allow me to explain what has happened. I figure I can explain it best since I am the one that’s being judged by an assembly of anonymous visitors to this site.
This had nothing to do with being a “sucker and loving the abuse”. I made mistakes that hurt my wife because I have a large ego. An ego that thought I could remain platonic friends with an Ex because I always believed it was a non-issue. I was immature and I lied and deceived my wife for many months in order to prove this point. Needless to say, it is something I will regret unto my dying day.
My wife is truly beautiful, smart and sweet and I love her more than any human that has resided on this earth. She’s unfortunately read, seen and learned things that no women should and I’m trying my best to make amends with her. At this point, I know the trust and betrayal is too deep to repair this marriage. I’m simply trying to maintain a friendship for the best interest of our son who is 5 months old. Please respect that and pray for my son and wife.
Contradiction’s husband,
I am sorry that there is a child in the middle of this, I truly am, because at the hands of my signifacant other’s ex.. his children suffered. As for the comment, “sucker and loving the abuse” I was making reference to mine, she was the one to lie and mislead, and yet he kept involving himself with other women only to run back to her till she tired of him.. There must be some reason as you said to continue a relationship with your ex, while marrying another woman and bearing a child with her? Selfishness comes to mind, but as you said, we are not here to judge. Women suffer at the hands of men through mental and physical abuse, lying, cheating and insulting our intelligence. But still we love them, believe they can change, and pray for their salvation. We see the best in them, even when they don’t.
I recommend that you figure out who and what you want, because jumping from one relationship to another and bearing a child to be left to a broken home, isn’t a legacy I would want to leave behind. I say this with kindness, because I believe you didn’t truly want to hurt your child’s Mother, you did because you were not able to set your boundries within a relationship. Learn, seek counsel from wise men ( therapist’s, pastor’s etc..) then and only then become involved with someone.
You owe it to your children, yourself, and the next woman you attempt to become involved with.
Guys I really would prefer to delete these comments although that is entirely up to the concerned parties. This situation puts not only the people involved in a rather difficult position, but I am vastly uncomfortable with seeing this being played out on here. I don’t know how I would feel if ‘Contradictions Husband’ were a stranger, but I do know him and I’m not keen to read about his private life or be party to commentary on it. It’s not about sides and Contradiction knows that – I just don’t think there is anything to be achieved by playing this out on here. Clearly mistakes have been made and the important thing is to move forward and to do whatever is needed to find a happy situation for all involved. I admit that I haven’t been following what has been going on as I’m waiting to give birth and rather preoccupied elsewhere, but if the concerned parties would like me to delete these comments, let me know. As it was one the concerned parties that started it, this is why I am leaving it up to them.