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I’m going to say something that may be a little revelatory for those amongst us that suffer with insecurity about your partner’s past –

People don’t land on earth just in time for you to receive them for your relationship with no past in tow.

Everyone has past and it’s called a past for a reason: It was the time before you.

If you are struggling with your partner’s past, it’s not a good indicator of things to come and there has to come a point when you either decide to let go of the past, or let go of them.

It is pointless being with someone if all you are going to do is beat them over the head with their past. They will feel frustrated, distrusted and resentful and in turn, your insecurity will continue to grow as a wall builds up between you. If your partner is always explaining and justifying their past, there will come a point when they will just shut down.

The biggest question I have for someone who is struggling to deal with a partner’s past is this: If you can’t get over something that you weren’t even a part of, why are you still there?

There is no law that says that just because something is in the past that people must roll over and accept it, but there is nothing to be accomplished by staying in a relationship and ramming someone’s past down their throat. They might as well have stayed with the previous partner.

If you are struggling so much with it, it’s because you feel uncomfortable about what you think it may imply for your own relationship.

Classic examples:

  • He tells you he’s cheated in the past – you think that he may cheat on you. Can a leopard ever change its spots?
  • He admits that it took him a long time to come to term with getting over his ex – you think he still wants her.
  • He admits that he used to be quite shallow and that he dated models. You wonder, Is he dating beneath him now?
  • He slept around a lot. You wonder whether you’re enough for him and whether he can be trusted?
  • He ‘used’ to be a playa. You think, Is he playing me?

It is clear that whatever people struggle with when dealing with someone’s past, it’s because we relate it back to ourselves and wonder how it affects us.

Depending on how unsettled you are by it, it may be a case of that no matter what he says, the feelings that it creates in you just knowing what you know, signal the beginning of the end…even if you do try to cling on.

Whatever it is that you’re struggling with, I recommend you do the following:

1) Once he has told you this piece of information from his past, ask whatever questions that you need to. If you need time to digest, hold off until you have gathered your thoughts.
2) Ask whatever questions you need to but, be careful of interrogation. Remember that he’s telling you about his past and try not to judge.
3) Decide whether you can accept his explanation and his past.
4) If you can accept it, draw a line under it and move on. Do not keep bringing it up and don’t let it be the focus of your thoughts.
5) Remember that the past is the past and it’s about whether this person can or has earned your trust while they’ve been with you.
Have you been looking at everything through rose-coloured glasses and ignoring red flags? Do you have a pattern of being with men that tend to have these types of past? Do you have a history of being with Mr Unavailables (emotionally unavailable men) and Bad Boys?
6) If you can’t accept it, tell him. If you know that deep down you will never feel right about what you know, you have reached the end of the road. In some cases, only time will tell but there is also nothing wrong with having standards and deciding that you just aren’t comfortable with certain things.
7) Don’t bring it up in arguments
8) Don’t make snide comments about it when you’re feeling bitchy/insecure

Good luck!

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