Tags: Sex advice, The Justifying Zone

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“Do not confuse great sex, an orgasm or a big willy with love. They’re not. That’s lust. A big willy might make you scream the house down but it’s not going to treat you right. It won’t share a mortgage and take you down the aisle.” NML

There was a time when I was naive enough to believe that great sex and an orgasm meant the guy was special. It was proof that we were meant to be. This misconception didn’t last long for me, but there are plenty of women that still mistake a good seeing-to and multiple or singular orgasms as a signal of love, or at the very least, a great relationship.

I talk to women all the time who rave about these ‘great guys’ that they’re still with/pursuing, and often I hear about how unbelievable the sex was, how big his willy is and how they’re the best they’ve ever had. We wonder why they allow these guys to creep back into their life, time and time again. And it’s because they’re strung out on sex.

I don’t know where we learned this idea that this great sex but sucky relationship represents love, but we need to unlearn it.

Sex confuses things and befuddles the brain. If the sex was shit, it would make it so much easier. Mostly. You’d be amazed how many women I hear from who are in shit relationships not enjoying the shit sex! Great sex, though, clouds your judgement when it comes to determining a partner’s suitability. A scene from Eddie Murphy ‘Raw’ has stuck in my mind for years where he talks about when women scream, like really scream from having an orgasm, that the guy mentally says to himself “I gots that m*therf*cker now!”

I remember having an intense orgasm with an ex, and my whole perception of him changed afterwards. I decided we had an unbreakable connection, that we were destined to be together. We lasted almost two years and rarely hit that high note again. And the great sex eventually didn’t disguise the fact that he was a complete jackass!

If you want to be in a relationship, I recommend putting yourself on lockdown. This means that you don’t part the legs until you are as sure as can be that you want to be with this guy and that you have enough to have a go at a steady relationship.

My idea of lockdown may not be others’ idea of lockdown, but I’m not asking you to play the Virgin Mary (something many would struggle with anyway) but to exercise caution. Having a kiss, a cuddle and a feel is fine, but if you then spend the rest of the time with his over-zealous willy rubbing against you, or you get yourself so worked up with horniness that all you can think about is having sex with him, you’ve gone too far. I learned a valuable lesson a few months ago and now I don’t invite guys back to my place until I’m willing to entertain the possibility of sleeping with them. It cuts out awkward conversations when you want to cut things short.

When we have sex before making up our minds about whether we want to be with someone, it means we screw first and get to know them later.

Continuing to date them means that you are interested, sure, but the sex, orgasms, and, well, horniness, creep into your emotions. All of a sudden, things don’t and won’t appear as they are.

If you play back your mental video of the period you were dating someone, you would see a number of things that were screaming red alert, but that you completely ignored because you were high on the feeling of this new relationship. I’ve done it several times. Trust me when I say that often the things that you ignore during the honeymoon phase, are the things that come back to bite you in your booty further down the line.They are the things that you are argue over.

Since I have avoided getting physical with a guy too early I have found that I weed them out quicker. Yes I know I miss out on a shag, but I don’t need one that badly, especially with someone who in the space of several dates with minimum physical contact, wasn’t actually relationship material anyway. The absence of sex means that you focus on the character qualities of the guy, which to be fair, is what is really needed for a relationship to work. Sex is important, but it’s only part of the equation and if it all came down to great sex, we wouldn’t have half of the problems that we do!

Get to know and like the guy, before you get to shag him. Just because they give you an orgasm, doesn’t mean that it’s meant to be. Otherwise, we’d marry our vibrators, or ourselves!

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