A while back, New York Moment’s contributed a great column on How to tell if your boyfriend is gay. A comment has been posted which took my breath away and I have posted the response here:

I have been dating a man for about four years, 40’s, who is very sensitive gentle and caring (also very independent). He was married to a Korean female for about 23 yrs and was very unhappy (he said). They divorced.

I recently caught him at his home with a large realistic rubber dildo up his ass in front of his computer which had a picture of a young Asian male in different poses. He had his underwear on and was pulling [the dildo] and screwing himself. He has always told me he finds gay sex disgusting etc and has never had anything up his ass (b/c i wanted to play with it)  – I’m female).

Seeing him was a very uncomfortable moment and we did not speak of it much. He did not think I saw the dildo or porn. I was too surprised to say anything. He thinks I saw him just touching himself and he thinks I saw a female on the screen, plus it was his birthday. Guess he gave himself a present? He has told me he had taken the test to see if you are gay and he says he is not. He volunteered this info. I am an independent pretty female; fit and busy, live in a small town, and it’s hard to meet quality men. I don’t know what to think and I am worried he is just with me to be correct etc. I know I need to talk to him, but I’m afraid.


NML Says: It is not that much of a stretch of my imagination to add together the elements of his actions and draw the conclusion that he may well be gay, however, let’s be honest now – people explore all sorts of sexual fantasies and preferences that many of us may not be comfortable with and it may not necessarily define their sexuality. That said though, is this about whether he is gay or about the fact that he had a rubber dildo up his arse whilst he masturbated to a semi naked man on his computer screen despite the fact that he says he finds gay sex disgusting?

If your boyfriend can’t even admit that what you saw is what it was, how exactly do you expect him to admit that he is gay?

And if YOU’RE in denial about what you saw, and he’s in denial about..well just about everything to do with his sexual preferences, how do you expect to find out the truth or even initiate the conversation?

It’s clear that you don’t have an issue with playing with his ass as you had suggested playing with it, so you could also ask yourself if you’d be OK with what you saw if had he been honest with you? Or is that it’s one thing for you to suggest your finger but a rubber dildo is a step too far in the equation?

Now to be fair, it’s understandable that considering all that had been said before the event and you walking into what you felt was a shocking scene, no-one could blame you for having a little ‘post traumatic stress’ where you may be burying the nature of what you have seen to cope. Pretending that we don’t see what we see, or just plain ignoring things that make us uncomfortable is a universal behaviour of women. How do you think that so many women end up engaging in relationships with complete assclowns (excuse the pun) despite the obvious signs?

Personally, I didn’t know that there was a test that you could take to find out if you were gay and I would hazard a guess that if he’s gone to the trouble of taking this ‘test’, he is clearly looking for answers that he can’t find within himself. He has told you he finds gay sex disgusting, yet clearly he was lying through his teeth, and if has never had anything up his ass before, which I doubt, that’s certainly not the case now. Throw in the young male semi naked and you have someone who at the very least is bi-curious. Either way, regardless of what he has told you, it means nothing in the face of what you have seen.

Your boyfriend suffers from Those Who Doth Protest Too Much syndrome, a mostly male affliction that involves them having to go on and on about a certain action, characteristic, personality highlight and how they are or aren’t it. ‘I’m not gay’;’I’m a nice guy’ or ‘I’m not like all of those other guys out there that are cheating. I take care of my woman.’ It’s not you he’s telling that he’s not gay, not into gay sex etc. He’s telling himself.

Rather than let a great black hole of no conversation about this develop between you, you need to confront what you have seen and discuss. If he won’t be honest with you and expects you pretend that you saw something entirely different to what you did, you have the option of involving a third party (a counselor/sex therapist etc not a young semi naked male) or you can draw your own conclusion. Many people faced with the prospect of acknowledging something they deem unpleasant feel afraid because of what it may mean to their future, their security and obviously to the relationship, but this comes down to whether you want to live a lie or whether you want to true to yourself.

What do you think?

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