Tags: The No Contact Rule
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Missing Someone That Mistreated You is Like Mourning The Loss of Trash.
That’s a good way of putting it, Natalie. We use so much energy and lose our power, when we allow those that hurt us to be significant. Even family members can be toxic and sometimes you have to let it go for your own health and sanity. Someone once told me, be careful what you allow someone to do to you in the name of love. It’s been a hard road for me, but I will never let someone play emotional games with me ever again or waste my time on a person that isn’t worthy. Love isn’t supposed to hurt, but I used to think if I didn’t sacrifice in a relationship I wasn’t doing my best. I’m learning to love myself more.
This video has helped me a lot NML! I listen to all of your videos lately (its been 10 days NC after having broken NC after 3 weeks). I really like the way you say things and lay it out there. It’s as if you have addressed every single thought that I have. I have come to some realizations, especially when I think about AC’s behavior that I don’t even really miss him (maybe the beginning/fake him a bit). I’m a combination drama queen/florence nightingale wanting him to be magically fixed and also seeking validation from him. I hate this feeling but it is getting better day by day. In the mean time I’m filling up my time a lot to keep my mind off it, unfortunately work is quite slow right now. In time I’ll be ok.
Thanks again Natalie. I learn so much from every post and video. It helps me stay focussed on me and the kind of relationship I want. I am now 4 months no contact and I can honestly say I am happier than I have been for years. Please stick with it Nubienne – it’s so easy to get addicted to the drama and emotional highs and lows. When I was with my EUM it was like a rollercoaster ride and I think if I had stayed with him I would have had a breakdown…whereas now I am happy nearly all the time.
Thank you as always, Natalie. Now after over a year since I broke up with my ex-EUM, I still find myself mourning. I am home in the States now and I think that it conjured some memories because when I left here two years ago I thought I was headed to bliss, for I was going to be with this man that I loved so much, finally. Now, I am full circle and often feel forlorn due to my dream (illusions) being shattered to pieces. I have struggled with NC, partially because of our son but mostly because I am being a bit masochistic because I am so incredibly disappointed. But I am slowly getting there. It took me 7 years to build those sandcastles in the sky, so I guess it is only natural that it will now take some time to rebuild solidly on the ground. The struggle continues…
Excellent, excellent, excellent!
What is so important is not just for me to know this now intellectually — but for me to keep it conscious emotionally if/when I am attracted to someone and start making excuses for his behavior or live in fantasy/hope, and lose sight of what my boundaries actually ARE.
Keeping my healthy boundaries intact with that ‘electric fence’ always serves to increase my dignity and self-respect.
Whereas violating them, letting things slide that always are to the detriment of what I want in a mutually loving, sharing, respectful relationship always serves to put me a few steps back in terms of my self-esteem and self-confidence.
I am committed to taking care of myself, treating myself like I would treat my friends. And I NEVER advise my friends to put up with crap.
I love the metaphor with the trash.
When you begin to realise that missing the person who treated you badly is not really you missing them at all, but missing a wonderful partner (who you dream of), then it is the beginning….
Do not look back, learn to live and appreciate the now, while still working toward making your future one filled with love and mutual respect.
i think this is a great touch up reminder for those teeter tottering in NC.
this post is a great reminder as the NC email updates are…its like a daily touchup when you think about slipping because of difficulties being alone and wandering thoughts. Thank You.
How true! Why we are mourning about the loss of trash. Cause we projected on them something. Or we have a kind of stockholm syndrome. Cognitive dissonance at its best!
I wonder why it is that we will bend over backwards to please a man but we can’t even get half that energy back from them! I go through phases of looking for a relationship to stop looking altogether..it seems like a full time job and I just don’t have the time or energy for it.If so many men say its hard to find a good woman maybe they should start by being nicer men!
Jeanne–
Don’t kid yourself: they SAY they want a good woman, but what they REAAAALLY want (which they will never admit to) is the Vixen (and she doesn’t even have to be that pretty, either!)…that is, until Ms. Vixen crushes them and/or their wallet to pieces (by cheating on them, using them, abusing them, etc…).
Then they come back to The Nice Girl. And are (at last) thankful for such a nice person.
Sometimes it takes making Ms. Vixen into Mrs. Vixen for them to realize this!
Only very very VERY secure men, who REALLY know themselves and what they want, want the nice girl when the nice girl is actually interested in them!
Again, as with anything, it’s all about timing!
Natalie, you are a GODSEND. Wow. The incredible serendipity, the timing of your video that you just placed here on Fri August 13th (Freaky Friday!)
August 13th is the birthday of one of my “ex’s” if you can call him that. I was stuck on this guy since 2004, on and off, for the past 6 years . . . a 3 year hiatus where we had no communication whatsoever, then he showed up on my doorstep last Dec just before Christmas . . . and of course since I am so sexually drawn to this man, I lost it for a few days . . . then came across your blog for the first time. You are MY MEDICINE Natalie! GOD BLESS YOU DEAR!!!
So just as you say, I wanted to be the “good girl” the nice person in this, and after all these months of no contact whatsoever, I remembered it was his birthday on Friday (the day the Berlin wall was erected, exactly 1961 lol that is a metaphor oh my, what a coincidence, he is like the Berlin wall emotionally).
So I left him a voicemail on his home number, blocked mine just in case, and wished him a Happy Birthday, Brian! For good karma sake, at least, no?
Well he came knocking on my door at 2:30 the following afternoon (Saturday). I was in my casual T cleaning house, hair a mess, no makeup . . . so when I saw him through the peephole I hesitated. Should I or shouldn’t I? I mean, he doesn’t have my number, so of course he would just show up at my door, it’s the only way he has to get hold of me.
So through the open window I said, Brian I can’t open the door, I’m a mess right now! I heard his familiar sexy voice, and see his hands in the window holding his Blackberry and he says to me, mind if I get your number then, is this it? (some other Victoria apparently) So I gave him my new cell number. Something inside of me wanted to reach out to him, hold him, forget the past, the incredibly stupid past (of which you are an expert as your blogs tell the whole story Natalie 100%)
And then just as he was ready to walk away, I opened the door. There I was, in old stained grey T shirt, hair up, but I was flushed and actually looked pretty when I checked myself in the mirror later . . . whatever it was, my smile, even my messed-up look . . . that’s how he liked me when we first met.
And that’s exactly what he said, “you look just like I first met you” (back in 2004 July) and he just stared at me for a moment. And he is still gorgeous, he is 49 now and still David Hasselhoff from Baywatch (I kid you not) thick dusty blonde patch of wavy hair, rugged chiseled face, incredible body, he works outside, he is a HUNK, and he has this thing about him that makes me want to hold him, *uck him, reach out to him, comfort him (YIKES)
I said Brian you caught me unawares, I look like *hit right now lol, and he looked at me and I could tell he still wants me and he said “thanks for the birthday message, that was really nice” and I swear, if my house was clean and I was showered and dressed properly I would have hauled him in right then and there and *ucked him good lol.
But as fate would have it I couldn’t, it was too awkward, I wasn’t ready, I didn’t expect him to come over like that . . . and then for the rest of the day I mourned my lack of preparation (I should have known he would come–that’s his style, out of the blue, just show up at my door)
And I mourned again this morning, thinking, I blew a chance at getting back with this guy. Sigh.
And now by chance I’m cleaning out my email account and I come across a link to your blog again, and I thought, hmmm, what is this, Dating site, haven’t looked into this for awhile.
Natalie, it was pure sheer GODSEND I clicked on that link and saw your Fri Aug 13th video. That is his birthday, he is my ghost of the past, all those years of pining after this unavailable man, this man who can do nothing for me but *uck me and leave, this man who still lives with his mother and talks about his ex-girlfriends and shows up late for “dates” and buys himself a sandwich at the gas-station whilst filling up then wants to come over and do me, never thinking I might be hungry too (?)
Ok. Thank you dear. You are fulfilling some God-given mission, may I tell you once again, I LOVE YOU NATALIE!!!
xox Wisiunia
Vancouver, Canada
another goodie, NML.
Today my EUM/AC-fling from the winter and i crossed paths after about 4 months of not seeing him at all. (amazing, for a small town). He came right up and tried to start a convo when i had previously made it very clear I didn’t want further contact. He was acting like nothing had ever even happened between us. he was acting like he did when he was first courting me.
I was AGHAST at his blatant disrespect of my wishes (leave me alone!) and at his GALL to act as if we had no negative history.
I was cool, answered his “how are ya” entry-q with a simple “good” and then he pushed by saying “really you don’t look like you’re good you look flustered (not true. annoyed, not flustered.) I replied, “no.” and then nothing. awkward silence. He sputtered that it was good to know I was good . I replied with a bit of a snort with “yeah.” and looked in the other direction, dismissing him. He left.
I was happy I didn’t cave and get sucked into a nicey-nice conversation , giving his ego a boost that I had also erased the past enough to have a conversation with him. I meant it when i told him to leave me alone. I don’t care if he thinks i’m immature or a bitch or anything else bcuz i didn’t indulge him in a nicey -nice convo. Screw HIM. Maybe he should have acted like a decent person if he wanted to be treated like one. I hope i go another four months without seeing him, or even better…FOREVER. out of sight, out of mind.
Columbia,
You Did Good!!!!
Thanks for this. It was the shot in the arm I needed. I’m so guilty of being the nice girl, it’s criminal. No more of that!
Just written on my blog (new and shiny though it is) about both your website AND your ebook. Was a total lightbulb moment for me reading what you have to say…. and sooo hard to admit that I am indeed the Fallback Girl. And that I will continue to be if I don’t get a grip!! Thank you. I actually got out of my pyjamas today after being dumped (again)by Mr Unavailable himself and THIS TIME he ain’t coming back. Nor am I going to sit and miss him after realising that all I’m actually missing is someone who didn’t treat me as I deserve to be treated…and that doesn’t make sense, right? xx
Perfect timing for me too.
I love that bit – “But I don’t want people to perceive me as being mean…. Get Over It.”
During my most recent relationship (and in fact all my relationships to date) I was so NICE, such a nice girl, so kind and sympathetic and supportive etc etc.
He was repeatedly a sh*t to me, but he only had to do the Poor Me act and I’d come over all sympathetic and understanding and let him stick around. It made me stay in a relationship that was making me miserable. In the end, to finally end the relationship, I had to stop being NICE to him and ask him to leave NOW.
And then withdrawing from my old role after splitting up, was also a big challenge for me.
I confess I have been worried about being ‘unkind’ or ‘horrible’ to him, by ignoring his attempts to contact me with text messages. So I sent really short, brief replies, being ‘courteous’.
Nearly a year since we split, I’m still receiving wistful, sad texts from him, which only make me feel anxious and stressed out about how to reply.
But then it dawned on me last week – I have already given everything I can possibly ever give to that relationship, for 3 years of strife and trouble in return. And now I’m worried about being mean?
Enough!
I’ve walked away, for good reasons. I know I don’t want to be his girlfriend and I don’t want him as a ‘friend’ either. He knows that too, and he knows the reasons.
So no more stressing over what to say. No more responses to those attempts to draw me in, to seek my sympathies. No more worrying about his reactions if i do or don’t reply.
No more being nice.
If that makes me a mean person in his eyes, then so be it.
Time to get on with my own life.
Wow, this video has really hit the nail on the head for me Natalie. It really decribes what I’d become after my EUM/AC and I had broken up. He acted like nothing had changed between us. He still had the keys to my place, still had his stuff there, still came over unannounced as usual. And me foolishly thinking we were getting back together, slept with him (without really discussing where we were in the relationship), continued being the nice girl – cooking for him, doing his laundry, ironing his shirts, being supportive. I continued to let him take advantage of me. When I called him on suddenly ignoring me, not returning calls and never replying to texts, he had the nerve to say, “we are not together, are we?” Even if I was just his friend at that point, would you treat your friends like that?
I am a nice person but I think its partly a self-esteem issue that’s made me always feel the need to please/not want to disappoint people, and I think its made me not really have boundaries in relationships, so I let the guys walk all over me, do whatever they want and I just sit there and take it.
I blocked my ex-EUM/AC from skype and after a week of NC, he called me (for some reason, someone can still see you online if they haven’t blocked you and still have you in their contact list), and me being the “overly nice” girl that I am, I answered. I didn’t wanna seem rude, I guess, but now that I think about it, why not? after the way he has treated me. I am now kicking myself for taking that call after I’d promised myself that I’d never speak to him again but I am waiting for him to call again so I can completely ignore him.
I know I need to work on my self-esteem, be a stronger person, have boundaries which I should never, ever let any guy cross but it is very difficult. I am starting therapy and hopefully, I’ll be able to heal faster. Wish me luck ladies. Any input to this would be greatly appreciated.
I see that us ladies are worrying very much about what he will think of us being “mean”.
I have good news. He isn’t thinking about us at all. He isn’t hurting and he isn’t grieving. He is down the pub with his mates, watching football, chatting up other women and probably shagging them. He will call us or, more likely, text us in a moment of boredom or horniness.
So, don’t worry about him. He’s just fine.
Yes, stop worrying about him! When did he ever “worry” about you, what you thought of him… these guys seem to think they can beahve however they like with impunity, and no matter what they do, they have still to be well thought of??? Why? How?
Sonia, you are right, you would not treat a friend like that…we would not expect to give our “friendship” to a person who is happy to acceptt our “friendship” (our care and support and trust) but only on the conditions that he or she is not required to return that friendship.
Can you imagine that person ignoring your emails/texts/calls with the explanation that “but we are not friends”. It’s absurd. What your guy really means, Sonia, is that you might be “together” (friends) with him, but he is not “together” (friends) with you.
Why would we think this is a good deal? If it was your “pal” doing all the taking and none of the giving, you’d tell them to get lost, and you wouldn’t care what they thought of you, you’d be too busy thinking they were a crap pal!!
Natalie- a great video. I have spent far too much time mourning him, wondering if he is missing me (he is not), assuming he was feeling as I was feeling (he is not). I tried an experiment today and it helped me. I wrote a letter to myself, from him, saying all the things I needed and wanted him to say. It helped me because a) it highlighted how pathetic his attempts at contact have been post break up, focusing on “pretending it didn’t happen and getting back to the way we were” and b) it showed me just how much I needed and wanted him to validate me. I wanted him to miss me, regret what he did, feel sorry and mourn the loss of me in his life. I need to validate myself – this truly was his loss and if he isn’t smart enough to see that, then why would I want him in my life? Your posts on needing validation are spot on – that’s what this really was about. My obsessive thinking about him and praying for contact was really just me needing him to miss me, want me and acknowledge me. I can do that for myself. Good riddance to trash!
Hi everyone
Its very unfair to all of you blaming it on the guys in general.I went out with this thing for like eight years and it treated me like crap.
I cant even call this thing a human being after the way it shot me.
But now im totally over it after some three years and im glad it left.
Yes so its not always the guys the holes in the realationships girls can be do.