Definition of Friends Who F*ck/Friends With Benefits: A friend who you have a ‘loose’ casual sex arrangement with that you will be each others booty call when you both feel horny. It’s no frills sex with someone who knows you but without having the aggravation of an actual ‘relationship’. This can be an often unspoken arrangement which comes into play when you’ve both had a few drinks and are feeling lonely, or when you’re both in between relationships and filling gaps.
The key thing to remember with this arrangement is that if it really is what it is, it is JUST SEX, nothing else. Here are some tips to keep you and your friendship out of trouble.
The origin of your arrangement is key/Understand the terms
If either one of you harbors deep feelings for each other but thinks that the arrangement of FWF will lead to the two of you getting together, this could be dangerous for the friendship. Just like when two people are ‘seeing’ each other but not exclusive, the FWF arrangement relies on both parties understanding the terms of the arrangement and not secretly wanting more. A lot of women bemoan the fact that when they have sex with someone the emotions just can’t help but come into it which means that even with the best of intentions, they end up falling for the F*ck Buddy.
However a lot of women also bemoan the fact that men can have sex without getting their emotions caught up (I’m sure they could get it up even if the world was coming to an end) which means that he takes it for what it is: Sex, albeit sex with someone who knows him well.
Have the awkward conversation early
This will establish whether you both want to date, whether you can be FWF’s or whether you should ‘just be friends’. I personally detest awkward conversations but they need to be had. I think people often end up as FWF’s because the awkward conversation was avoided so they fell into this arrangement. However this means that there will be a residual unhappiness and over an extended period of time, a resentment. I know of people who were FWF’s for 12 years and I know people who couldn’t manage a marriage for that long! Ultimately they were nothing more than FWF’s but they both viewed the relationship in different ways. She thought she was in a relationship albeit an odd one, and he thought they were just having a shag. All of this could have been easily aired and resolved if they had just had one conversation in 12 years about what they both thought they were doing. He’s settled down with someone else and she’s alone.
You may be FWF’s but without getting too heavy, there should be some boundaries set. Agree on whether you will tell each other when you are sleeping with other people. This is mostly for safety reasons but it if he is sleeping with a number of people this could be the deciding factor in whether you want to add to his list. However, being FWF’s it is a loose arrangement so be careful of how many boundaries do get set because next thing you know, it sounds like you’re pushing for a relationship.
Be Prepared to Hear Things You Don’t Want to Hear
If you’re getting pissy because he had a date with someone, stop being FWF’s. You must be prepared to hear about each others lives moving on. There can be a regard for each others sensitivities and feelings, but again, too much sensitivity and you have to ask yourself what you are both really doing here.
You’re Not a FWF If There is a Significant Other – You’re a Mistress/Bit on the side
Don’t kid yourself and be clear about what you are. If he’s got a girlfriend this arrangement shouldn’t exist as he shouldn’t need you.
Keep the frequency light
No matter how you both may feel that you’re gagging for a shag, screwing each other most nights when you’re both single isn’t a FWF arrangement, it’s a relationship! Don’t fool yourself. FWF sex is sex to take the edge off, sex to comfort you and soothe your soul when it feels like it’s been an age since someone lay a hand on you.
Going bareback when you don’t plan to get pregnant whatever the cirumstances is not cool, and it’s no cooler when you do it with a friend. Nothing will put a strain on the friendship like a unplanned pregnancy. Also, if you have decided not to mention whether you are sleeping with other people, this will ensure that you don’t pick up any STD’s.
Do I think that FWF’s work? For short periods of time or occasionally over an extended period. However human nature says that the balance is always tipped because someone always wants the other more. Friends that screw, like each other more than people that met in a bar and shagged that night. There is friendship, care and a platonic love if you really are both friends and if you can be friends and it works well in the bedroom, I’m curious as to why you don’t just have a go at having a relationship. Ideally if it really is about getting laid, I think relying on friends should be avoided. Sex is freely available out there and removes complication and fear of losing the friendship. Whatever happens, the friendship, not the sex, should come first….excuse the pun.