My father passed away on March 28th and I was right there at his side. I had in a way, dreaded his passing, expecting a tsunami of grief, but instead, while I am grieving, it’s just not what I expected, at all.
In this episode, I give a bit of backstory to this past 9 months, including how I felt that a series of painful events and how I overcame them, seemed to be about preparing me for that day when I would get the call about his cancer. I talk about the conflicting emotions I went through back then, how I, in essence, began grieving my father all over again with his diagnosis, and why I’m okay with us not having been in touch in the preceding four years.
I also share some of the comedy chaos of that final day, because you know my family are crackerjacks, along with what that all taught me, plus I let you know where I’m at now and why some of the struggle of ‘enoughness’ that I used to feel with each of my parents and worked to leave behind, showed up in my work during this time.
Links mentioned
Episode 31 where I talked about having received the news that my father was ill
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Nat xxx
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Nat,
I had a feeling that this had happened, and sorry to hear of your loss. I hope the grief process leads to even more healing and personal transformation for you. My father was unavailable for my whole life, and passes away when I was young. I feel like we have a more special relationship in spirit then we ever would have had in real life. Hugs and peace to you. Be kind and compassionate with yourself.
May your dad eternally R.I.P. A lot of thinking and challenging days and weeks ahead for you Natalie. Another one of those life experiences that round the edges on our sometimes hard views. My thoughts are with you and your family. Enjoy the break with your little family unit.
Sorry for your loss my condolences to u and your family
Dear Nat, thank you so much for making this very special podcast. It was deeply touching, I got a little picture of your father and it took me back to my own experience of the last day with my own father. I’m sending you my condolences and love, may you have all the support you need to go through this emotional rollercoaster experience. Hugs
Nat
Sorry for your loss. It’s often harder to loose a parent who was unavailable because one is always second guessing themselves. “Was it something I did; Could I have been a better daughter” and so on. The answer is no; unavailability was/is on them. Did ceremony for you, your family, your Dad, when the email came out. Now is the time to heal and be kind to yourself.
Sorry for your loss I hope you take as much time as you need to walking through this and there are loving and supportive people with you.
Hey Nat, sorry to get to learn this. My deepest condolences. Love and light.
Sorry for your loss Nat. Wishing you God’s comfort in this hard time. Have a blessed week.
Nat, My thoughts are with you in your time of difficulty. Peace, love and thank you for your great work. Chris
Dear Natalie, I’m so sorry for your loss. Sending you comfort and warm thoughts from across the ocean.
Wow! I thought this was going to be an incredibly sad podcast. I was all ready for an intense journey – and it was! But not in the way I expected. It had every emotion, including sadness, joy, anger, confusion, laughter and more!
Your family, wow, I just can’t believe how they acted. Yet I can, as mine would probably be the same!!
I am very sorry for your loss, thanks for sharing. And reminding me that not even death is a straight-forward emotional experience!
Nat Nat Nat! Can relate so much to this. That sudden clarity about your dad and his back story and his pain. Felt totally the same when my mum passed, and that clarity helped with the healing so much. Nearly two years on, I get massive pangs of loss sometimes, not on the most expected days like birthdays and anniversaries, but totally unexpected – perhaps just driving along. Grief if complex. Sending love and hugs and always, and do have a cocktail for me in Majorca xx
Nat, I’m very sorry for your loss, though glad you had the last 9 months to spend with your Dad. Thanks for sharing your journey with us. I also have an unavailable parent who I am estranged from, and I have wondered what it will be like when this time comes. Thinking of you at this time, xx.
Natalie,
I am so very sorry for your loss and thank you for sharing again your experience. I wanted to let you know how much your work that you have put out means to me. You have transformed my thought process and understanding when it comes to human behavior that no counselor could achieve. you have a real gift of seeing and recognizing behavior from different angles and your choice of being vulnerable and opening yourself up to experiences – good/bad and indifferent truly inspired me to do the same. I finally understood what it meant that ‘Life is a journey’ and that we need to surrender again and again to that process.
Success comes in so many different forms and if it matters to you- you successfully rehabilitated my brain!!
It’s important to re-evaluate when something feels off, so please take good care of yourself as you just went through something incredibly taxing and intense just by making yourself available to that experience. My dad passed at 62 from liver Cirrhosis from alcohol abuse amongst other complications and we had a very painful, conflicted and distant relationship so I can relate.
Please take all the time you need -it’s absolutely necessary and focus on what is important and matters to you. The answers will come.
Big Hug
I am so so so sorry for your loss. Although obviously nobody can say anything to heal that really sharp pain, or the numbness or whatever you are feeling, grief that comes out “differently” than one expects can be so hard to work through.
I am glad that you were able to spend time with him at that time. It is really difficult processing grief about someone who was often absent and not there because it’s almost like part of them died a long time ago or left and I think it is natural to have built up walls to protect oneself and then, to have to let them down to try to grieve an illness, be there for someone who was not there for you, reconnect and feel so many conflicting emotions…..
Nobody understands anyone’s pain but I do feel like I can share some wisdom on this subject: my dad passed last June and I was also there when he passed which, as you know, is a tremendously difficult thing to witness. We too had a difficult relationship and as he had dementia we were really never able to process a lot and we too did not talk for years. It has been almost a year and I think I am pretty okay but sometimes I just really struggle with wondering what feelings he really had and many questions. But what made me feel a bit healed was to focus on what I know: what I felt. Yes betrayal and yes hurt and anger but also underneath love. And gratefulness that I was able to care for him like he didn’t care for me and also care for him like he cared for me. Just physically being at a parents side who was not always there for you is a generous act and hopefully heals something. So I hope that you feel that.
Just be gentle on yourself, and just accept the feelings or non- feelings as you feel them. I don’t think that there is any “right” way to grieve.
Natalie,
I’m very sorry for your loss!
Condolences to you and your family!
Sorry for your loss Nat, thank you for continuing to share your journey with all of us. xx
Natalie, thank you sharing your bittersweet, heartfelt story of grief and recovery. May your father rest knowing that he help produce one of the world’s best intuitive counselors.
We’ve got your back–rest well and laugh loud on your vacation.
Love,
Karen
So sorry for your loss, Natalie.
It’s amazing of you to do a podcast in the circumstances.
Wishing you all the best at a difficult time.
So sorry for your loss. Sending well wishes to you and your family
Sorry for the loss of your father, Natalie.
So sorry for your loss Natalie, and send you and your family my condolences. May I applaud you for such an open podcast as usual. As a listener it gave us a great insight to you and your family, and their individual characters.
Hope you have a good well earned holiday.
My condolences…I hope you get through this at your own pace, in your own time…
Take care and best of wishes… X x x
My heartfelt congratulations on being the person you are. It can be such an exhausting effort to hold ourselves accountable–maybe looking for that external standard of someone’s approval or some accomplishment–that we forget the inherent value of simply being who we are, and lose ourselves in the process.
Your authenticity and willingness to share the good, the bad and the ugly has brought me into a much deeper relationship with myself. I do think authenticity is contagious, and that goes back to the value of simply being yourself. How can something be so simple and so hard at the same time? Anyway, after years of reading your blog, my life has changed so much for the better. On every level. YOU, Nat Lue, made a big big big difference!
As you move through life, I hope you’ll celebrate all of the beautiful aspects of yourself–self-trust and love come to mind–that you were able to give to your father, and to cherish the relationship that ended up being made of them, just as I hope you will celebrate your contributions in every other aspect and really know their value. For me, they have been huge, as I am sure they have been for many others.
As a first-time commenter, I wish I had said so earlier. But right now, I wish you a warm and gentle time filled with lots and lots of love and peace. For both you and your father. There’s so much for both of you to feel proud of.
I’ve nearly caught up on your podcasts, Natalie. I went through them in a few months. I had no idea we have so much in common. Unfortunately, it’s not the good stuff. It is painful to know someone I look up to so much had similar negative experiences.
Condolences. I am in the process of grieving my grandfather’s (father figure) terminal cancer and my dog’s liver failure. I wish I had such a positive outlook. I seem to not be able to get it together. In your podcasts, you talk about things happening at once. I relate.
In the past three years, I have been forced out of my home twice due to harassment, gotten news of both of my grandparent’s cancer and my dog’s organ failure. And bed bugs twice. (Accidentally popped one full of my blood last night.) And my ac does not work in this southern heat. During all of this, my upstairs neighbor has taken advantage of my vulnerability and sexually harassed me nearly daily for three years. I finally called the cops. I worry about homelessness so much as I am unemployed and horridly depressed. Also, my dog needs around the clock care and I break into sobs at the thought of euthanizing.
I feel sick that I am not as strong as you, but all my reserves are crumbling. I have called a suicide hotline twice today and my therapist. I don’t know what else to do. And where I’m from, tenants almost have no rights. I’ll fight it as best I can I guess.
Wow… It looks like you are going through some very difficult times… I hope you manage to get some sort of help or support to get you through. It must be horrible having it all happen at once and you are trying? to stay strong. I wish you all the best and hope you find something good will happen to turn the situation around at least a little… Take care and keep going..!
Ro,
Thank you; I don’t know that I’ve ever had so much go so wrong at once before. I’m beginning to see it’s all about the support we give ourselves and have around us. Based on my experiences in childhood, I rejected myself and unconsciously rejected people and situations that were good for me. Now I realize that, though it very much feels too late. I am having heaps of troubles and not enough support. Due to feelings of worthlessness, I lashed out at any support until recently and my reserves are diminished. I know it could be so much worse though, even though thinking that just makes me more depressed about the world.
For me, having a loved one with terminal cancer feels like awaiting impending doom. And as much as I have loved my dog, I feel so chained to her, further isolating me. It’s nauseating watching them wither away and seeing them see their body fail.
I guess, for me, it’s sobering. It’s making me think, what do I really want to do with life.
Seeing my grandfather struggle with terminal illness keeps bringing up this sense that this life does matter and it’s about what you first do with the relationship to yourself which in turn affects how you get on with others. I suppose life is about genuinely dealing with your problems. For over 30 yrs I have not done that so much. I guess now is a good time to start.
Magnetic attraction or obsession with another person is as deep as ones avoidance. I have been avoiding grief. Grief of a parent, grief of the only parents I’ve ever known. My grandparents were starting to need more care about the time I begged the last guy to rip me to shreds. And now my grief is.
I admire and respect the way you grieve, Natalie, but I know everyone is different. Grief tends to bring out the bull in the China shop for me. I feel like an insect being crushed to death.
This is beautiful and moving, Natalie. I’m sorry to hear that your dad passed away, and I’m wishing you and your family peace and healing.
On a personal note, I haven’t spoken to my dad in two years, so while I was listening to you, this triggered a lot of thoughts and emotions. I really admire your courage and your compassion.
Out of all 80 podcasts, I never belly laughed as much as I did listening to this one. I was howling. Nat, I’m pretty sure our family was cut from the same crazy cloth. So many commonalities. I literally had to stop walking I was laughing so hard at the woman who didn’t want to go bc she was so curious. My god. Well. This was especially beneficial as it made me realize death doesn’t have to be this horror story. It is a natural process.
I’ve never seen a loved one die until today. After a year long battle with organ failure, we lost.
I debated whether or not writing about this here, as this pertains to my late 15-yr-old spaniel mix. She was a rescue and we were soulmates. She was the love of my life. The title says “Saying Goodbye”, so it fits.
The last few months were not pretty. Nor were they full of blissful, serene walks in the park, nor her favorite foods. They were filled with her collapsing while walking, ravenous hunger, dementia riddled nights, constant thirst, incontinence, continuous crying, indifference to affection, blindness, near deafness, me pleading with her to hang on. After a particularly rough night, I woke and realized, “She’s never getting better.”
I called our vet, and it was as if they already knew, though it was especially rough for them as she had been a favorite.
She was given her favorite treats, soothed, and held as much as possible. As soon as she exhaled her last breath, I wailed and buried my face in her fur.
I stared at her dead body, her paws, I smelled them, her blind eye, I kissed it. I nuzzled my nose nose in her temple and breathed deeply. She was so beautiful up until the very end. I watched as a veterinary assistant softy wrapped her in a blanket, kissed her forehead and took her away.
In her last days, her face started to take the appearance of a fawn. But her mind was barely there and her body was failing. It seems just yesterday I held her in my arms as a pup after she had overcame parvo and in my teenage mind thought everything was always going to be okay because I had saved her. It was that day too I looked at her spine protruding through her emaciated body, except then I knew it wouldn’t be long before she’d swell with health. Today, before saying goodbye, I rubbed my fingers down every protruding vertebra knowing this time I could not save her.
Seconds after she died, I had an intense vision of a thin wooden door swinging open and nothing but air passing through. In that instant, I knew such a huge part of me was missing and I’d never be the same.
Pain deeper and more severe than any unavailable man could bring about.
I don’t know if life ends in nothingness. I do not. But I do know that life matters oh so much.
Also, Nat, my late beloved furry best friend listened to near all of your podcasts with me. They helped soothe her dementia (; Thank you for doing what you do.
You can love pets dearly, so take your time to grieve..But if you are struggling with so many things and it gets too much, go get help if you can, because it would be a shame to get lost in sorrow especially since you do treasure life. So carry on – if you think about it, that’s what it.s all about,moving on while the memories of loved ones stay with us. One doesn’t have to exclude the other. But do seek a shoulder if it all becomes too much.
Ro,
I thought I had no friends. Since everything with my slumlord, apartment, unemployment situation, and belated dog, I have had almost ten people offer me solid help whether it be counsel, advice, research, food, coffee, alcohol (being extra careful with that one), gifts, etc. I have had people put their entire businesses and lives on hold to help me. When I tell strangers, some immediately hug me (a bit weird but I’ll take it). Constantly people sacrificed their comfort levels to see me through these times. I have friends, I just didn’t know it.
I have had at least four people offer their homes to me knowing I have bed bugs (knowing what they are and not caring).
Another interesting thing from this is that I saw a side of my grandmother never discovered. I was beginning to question whether or not she was a sociopath as she can be quite cruel. I am undoubtedly convinced of the opposite. She and my dog were near inseparable for over a decade. Years ago after my grandmother became disabled, my dog would not leave her side even though I thought my grandmother was quite indifferent toward her. So we all lived together for some time.
After news our babe had passed, my grandmother sobbed and held me in her arms (she has never done that) and has begun an intense grieving process (she has the support of an excellent care giver who loved our dog as much as we).
Anyhow, I’m glad I’ve been able to write here a bit about this goodbye.
I see all these idealic pet images on social media. I mean it’s practically flooded with pets, but the last year with my beloved was filled with terrors for the both of us. I near killed myself trying to save her by caring for her 24/7. She suffered immensely without being able to vocalize it or find consistent happiness in her last days.
I’m so sorry Silver, been thinking of you…you took such great care of your pup, i know you were the love of her life, too. We had a brief exchange about our doggies, mine is 16, she’s my heart and soul, beyond. I break at the thought of life without her. I’m glad you are sharing here and finding love and support. I kiss my puppy for you and your girl 🙂
Fussy,
She died with me hanging on to her. She was afraid. She wasn’t ready to go, but there was nothing I or any of the vets could do. She was terminally sick and all she wanted was to stay with me.
I tried so hard. I have never been so heartbroken.
Silver, big hugs, you had to make the hardest decision that I so much fear. It has always been about love, care, compassion, respect and the best you could do for her. You are brave, her warrior and protector, she trusted you would take care of her and make the best and hardest choices for her. I’m sorry it was so rough the last year with her being ill, broke my heart reading about what you’ve been going through. One huge way my dog has impacted my life that I am forever grateful (unlike eu’s): she lets me love her, unequivocally, I’d never leave her, intolerable to think of her leaving me…our unspoken commitment with our animals, such beautiful souls they have, like you 🙂
Fussy,
Hugs to you and yours. It can be an excruciating decision. It’s not as clear cut as one would think it could be. One moment she didn’t know where she was, the next she did. One day she’d prance in the grass, the next not be able to climb small steps. It can go on and on like that with much suffering and love in between. The decision to euthanize was gut-wrenching and complex. I do not think I made a mistake in that choice, but that doesn’t take the aching away.
Just a tip from a former geriatric pet owner to another current: you may have urges to immediately get another pet when your beloved passes. I strongly advise against it. It’s a subconscious urge to avoid the grief of loss. We gotta feel it all. I never in a million years thought I’d have thoughts of wanting another pet so soon, but they creep in and are lies. It’s like people who can’t stand to be single after a breakup because they don’t know how to or are afraid of processing emotional pain.
I know people who lose a pet and then get three; their lives are a mess.
As for me, I really don’t see myself as being a pet owner again. Maybe decades down the line and only adoption or rescue, never from a breeder.
Anyhow, thank you, hugs, and kiss that canine of yours. And get the snuggles too. I miss those the most.
I just loved your beautifully real podcast–pain, humor, and all. (We forget that, even around death, we can find humor, ironic and otherwise, in our environment. And guess what–it’s OKAY to *gasp* laugh, even in grief! Shock and horror! ) Miss Nat, I’m glad you’re taking the time you need–for yourself, for family, for whatever. You don’t need to explain to us. We are here when you need us (yes, the blog goes both ways, love) 🙂
Hi everyone, I’ve been reading a few of your experiences, it’s Mothers Day today (Australia). June 21st 2016 I felt like everything in my life stopped, it was 14.02. I haven’t been ready to hear the podcast you’ve all spoken about but hearing the different responses took me back to 5 days and nights leading up to life as I had known it before a huge part of me died.
I’m the youngest (female 51), I have two older brothers 53 and 55.
My Mum and Dad had been divorced for many years, both remarried, unfortunately Mum divorced again after 10 years of another marriage and remained single until she passed.
Mum spent the majority of her life extremely ill and in a great deal of physical pain, I love and miss her so desperately, all I want to do is share her with the world and wish everyone could have met the most special, beautiful, sharing, humble, lovable, flexible, funny, frustrating, the casual guilt trips (she was Jewish), fascinating, continually self educating, self analysing, forward thinking, open minded, ahead of her time, inspirational, devoted Mum, Grandmum and the Greatest Grand Mum, loved people of all backgrounds, ages, totally unjudgemental, extremely real and down to earth. I continuously say I’ve never known another person who loved life as much as Mum. Everyday she saw the beauty in everything and never, ever complained about her life. She always saw the positive in everything and everyone, when life ever got us down, she was always able to offer a different way of looking at a problem, times I’d go to her and feel like I couldn’t face another day and she could turn me totally around with her simple, logical ways of looking at things. She’d say, “if what you’ve been doing hasn’t worked for you so far, you just have to find another way, the answer is always there, as long as you keep trying and never give up.” Sometimes she’d frustrate me so much, selfishly I’d think to myself, why can’t she just see my side just for once, those selfish thoughts of mine only stayed with me briefly, now and then, once I’d get over myself and see the bigger picture, she was giving me the biggest gifts anyone can give. She taught me to feel love, empathy, sadness, happiness, selflessness, what an awesome person, the very best of the best, certainly not an angel or saint, even though I feel she’s pretty close to it, she would be the first to agree she wasn’t perfect. I’m not a highly educated person, neither was my mother, although she without doubt had a brilliant brain and loved to learn as much as possible, loved people and their opinions and ideas. I’ve never been big on religion, I mean no disrespect to anyone else, at my Mums funeral some of the words I spoke in her eulogy were that I finally knew what religion was, I could see it as clear as day my Mum was, is and always will be my religion, for me it all made sense for the first time in my life. My heart will forever ache and be breaking until I am allowed to be united with her fully, if I had my selfish ways I want to be there right now but until then, she was such a brilliant teacher, I hear her words in my ear every single day, theirs isn’t a question I can get out of my mouth and instantly I know exactly what she would be saying, without a doubt in my heart, she’s imprinted in my brain, for better and sometimes for annoyingly worse, I’ll take everything I can get, for as long as I can get it. As much as I hate living today, everyday I strive to pass on her so many qualities, she makes me want to be a better person, for me to leave my leave prematurely, although at times extremely tempting, I would be doing such a disservice to the Strongest, Bravest, Irriplaceable Mum ever. “My Mumma” God I love and miss you so much.