Not easy, but your blog has helped a lot.
Now this is where I need your advice: this guy works with me.
He has been away for work reasons, and I haven’t had to see him yet, but he’ll be back soon, and I’m gonna have to hear him, see him, and I’m just not sure how to handle it. What is your advice? I don’t work very directly with him, as we’re in different dpts, so we won’t be having meetings together for example, but he will be sitting in my open plan floor, and we’ll be using the same coffee machine, photocopy machine, canteen, etc. How can I stay strong and make sure I stick to no contact if I’m gonna have to see him 8hours a day? I’m sure when he’s back in the country is when he’s gonna try to get me again and be charming and do all those cute things that got me back every time before.”
Being with a guy from work and then breaking up with him is unpleasant business. Doing NCR at work will really test your resolve and the two key things that will help you at this point:
Being committed to the NCR more than you are to the idea of him or being with him, which in essence means being committed to you first and foremost.
Get real about him.
If you do the latter, you’ll find it easier to do the former. Then of course there are the practicalities.
So the reality is: he’s a flip flapper.
“Like” just doesn’t cut the mustard after 2 years. It’s so…non commital…which is exactly his intent. He’s not saying “I love you but I’m really f*cked up so I don’t think I’m enough for you”; he’s saying “I like you but maybe it’s not enough”. My reply to him would have been “No sh*t Sherlock! Of course it’s not enough!”
Here’s the cruncher: after two years of being with a man that you work with, why do you want a man who can only bring himself to ‘like’ you?
You’re focused on him potentially never changing and him never stepping up to the plate, but that’s not the main issue. This man doesn’t feel ‘that way’ about you. You’re asking him to access emotions that he either doesn’t have or are hidden deep inside him and he just doesn’t know it, but either way, it’s not a good sign. He doesn’t want a relationship and he doesn’t have the capacity or want to feel about you as you would like.
It sounds to me like you have decided that you love this guy so as a result, he should love you too. It just doesn’t work like that.
You, Sylvia, deserve more than a man who can’t muster up some genuine feelings towards you and you cannot foister a relationship on him or as another reader suggested, keep ramming your love down his throat.
With that in mind, we get to the work thing.
Whilst this situation won’t be easy, you can make this as big or small a deal as you want. The likelihood is that whilst you may attach some importance to events like bumping into him at the copier, the likelihood is that he won’t attach the same importance – they’re actually unlikely to register on his radar and if it does, they are not because he wants you but more because he wants an ego stroke from the place he relies on to get it.
Keep things above board and professional. If you don’t have to speak to him, don’t, and you don’t have to use any of the facilities at the same time as him, and if you do, don’t engage.
No Contact is about breaking the contact and habits that facilitates the relationship.
Work means that you have to approach things from a practical and professional level so as not to actually hinder your career.
You’re not breaking NCR by sharing a copier or an office – you break NCR if you decide the fact that you share a copier and an office is a reason to engage with him.
Here’s the kicker – if you engage with him or even start to pursue him or the idea of being with him, you’re opening yourself up to further hurt and rejection because he has told you what he does and doesn’t want, yet you would be ignoring this and pursuing your own agenda, as if expecting him to come around. This man is not playing hard to get – he’s not trying to be ‘got’.
If he attempts to make contact with you at work, either politely say it to his face or drop him an email so that you have proof should anything go awry, and tell him that whatever you’ve both had is over and that unless it is something work related, to respect your wishes and leave you alone.
Steer clear of listening to or joining in on gossip that may cause you to have to learn about him. People chat a lot of rubbish anyway and add their own conjecture.
Most importantly – don’t be helpless and resign yourself to breaking contact before it’s even started. The fact that he’s charming or does “cute” stuff doesn’t disguise what he has clearly stated. You have to change your mindset because you sound like a woman who is expecting to break NCR and perceives herself as too weak to stand up to a guy that just “likes” her. If you know what his modus operandi is, you know what to expect, which means you can plan ahead and build enough resolve to be ready for him.
Don’t think “how can I stay strong?” and think “I will stay strong”. Repeat it to yourself and do a bit of faking before you feel it.
Just because those things got you back before, doesn’t mean they can now.
Before, you were blindly pursuing in the belief that he loves you. Now, you know he just “likes” you and he can’t be “bothered to be in a relationship”. This means you have to adjust your behaviour to him accordingly, because now you know the truth. To ignore it, would be dangerous.
I also recommend that you read Coping With Break Up Drama in the Workplace
Add to favorites
Sylvia, are we kindred spirits or what? I am in the exact same situation at work. Two years I’ve endured my ex EUM blowing hot and cold. He broke up with me almost monthly over one thing or another. Usually it was the fact that I wanted “too much” from him.
This ass came right out and told me during the last break up that he needed to start looking for someone to marry, cuz it wasn’t going to be me …
I had told him I kept coming back to him because I loved him. He told me he kept coming back to me because he was bored and lonely. Yeah …
It has been 30 DAYS of NC for me! (yay) Our office is small and like you, the fear is that we will bump into each other. The other day I was forced to go to him to deliver a phone message – immediately after that he began to sniff around just a little. Like I had given him the green light because I gave him a message!
I’m doing my best to take the high road here and will be professionally pleasant and that is all. If he tries to speak to me on a more friendly level… I’m going to do just what NML said “tell him that whatever you’ve both had is over and that unless it is something work related, to respect your wishes and leave you alone.”
I mean, if i can respect his wishes to not be involved in a love relationship with me, then he can respect MY wishes to not be involved with him at all! Only fair…
Dont get me wrong – it is NOT easy! My heart pounds and I get all nervous when I hear his voice down the hall. Sometimes I cry all the way home after work. But I am faking it the best I can. I wish you all the best with the NCR.
Good luck to you!!!
Oh yea, Sylvia … not sure if you can or if you want to, but I’m looking for another job. I have to move forward with my life and feeling “trapped” around my ex doesn’t feel good.
It’s like being haunted.
I, too, work with my EUM and I agree that it is hard to see them every day, but if you create and maintain boundaries to protect yourself as much as you possibly can, it helps. For example, me and my ex-EUM both take the train to and from work, so I make sure to take the early train if he’s taking the late one, etc. Also, I know his habits well enough to know when he gets coffee during the day, so I make sure to not go into the kitchen at those times. Sounds a little silly, I know, but maintaining distance is so important in order to move on. It’s really hard at first because emotions are so close to the surface, but if you have courage, strength and incentive to keep your “avoidance routines” consistent, it does get better as time goes on. I have had thoughts about looking for other work, but I don’t want to give him the satisfaction of knowing that I have had to uproot my life just because of him. I have a cordial and respectful working relationship with him because I do have to work pretty closely with him on some projects, but thankfully, they are few and far between. Ladies, I know it isn’t easy, even though some time has gone by, I still get butterflies in my stomach when I do see him or pass by him in the halls, and feel sad for a little while, but then I take a deep breath and move on. That’s all we can do! 🙂
Really really good advice as usual, the thing that struck me the most was…
“Most importantly – don’t be helpless and resign yourself to breaking contact before it’s even started. The fact that he’s charming or does “cute†stuff doesn’t disguise what he has clearly stated. You have to change your mindset because you sound like a woman who is expecting to break NCR and perceives herself as too weak to stand up to a guy that just “likes†her. If you know what his modus operandi is, you know what to expect, which means you can plan ahead and build enough resolve to be ready for him.
Don’t think “how can I stay strong?†and think “I will stay strongâ€. Repeat it to yourself and do a bit of faking before you feel it.
Just because those things got you back before, doesn’t mean they can now.
Before, you were blindly pursuing in the belief that he loves you. Now, you know he just “likes†you and he can’t be “bothered to be in a relationshipâ€. This means you have to adjust your behaviour to him accordingly, because now you know the truth. To ignore it, would be dangerous.”
THIS SAVES YOU. PRINT IT OUT AND READ IT EVERY DAY – OR EVERY HOUR – AND IT’LL KEEP YOU STRONG AND SAFE AND FEELING GOOD ABOUT YOURSELF SO THAT YOU HAVE NO DESIRE TO SETTLE FOR A GUY WHO ONLY LIKES YOU.
Well said NML. Thoughts of my ex with whom I work still haunt me. We also work in an open plan office and although we don’t work “together” I see him around a couple times a week or so. J
ust recently I thought I could handle being “friends”. That’s a big load of b.s.
It’s true – if a guy just “likes” you after two years – he’s saying you aren’t enough for him. Maybe no one is enough – but – it’s still not you and that feels rotten.
I’ve gotten to the point where I am just extremely fed up and I’m not interested in loving or being infatuated with him any longer. Two years of my late 30’s wasted on this assclown. I have no one to blame but myself. Two years ago the signs were there and I should have written him off.
I don’t hate myself, but I am taking it as a serious lesson learned. I won’t waste another second on him.
My EUM from work is so insecure, he can’t have anyone not like him. So while he could never give me what I want, he can’t stand to have me angry or frustrated with him. So, recently, I’ve conveyed to him that I understand his limitations but at times they are hard for me to accept. At times I am distant because I just don’t want to deal with him or my feelings for him. Anyway – now – whenever I act distantly towards him or don’t see him for a few weeks – he always reaches out and acts all charming and my feelings resurface. It’s not as painful as being intimate with him – but – it still hurts. Because it’s hard for me to understand how someone who works so hard for my approval, someone that I have felt so close to at times can’t love me the way I love(d) him. But he can’t and he doesn’t and it may be because his affection towards me is all an act.
So I totally empathize. Just keep thinking that you will move on eventually – so – why not make it sooner rather than later? Come on – two years is enough – time to walk away for good. Those are my marching orders to myself.
Good luck!!
Sylvia, If you are worried about handling yourself defensively once he gets back, how about using an imaginary companion? It really is true – what you pretend, you can become.
There was a song about “I need 10,000 angels .. to help me tell him no.” If you need to think of an angel on your shoulder, ready to help if you get confused or make a mistake, that helps many people.
But the first thought I had, was to just imagine. Imagine that your father is very paranoid about your dating, and you are just 15. Your boyfriend is coming to a family dinner with all your extended family – aunts and uncles, cousins, grandparents. And your mother found out you have been sleeping together. Just imagine how you would conduct yourself with the guy, with your father watching for any sign that you two had been intimate. Now, imagine your father, at your shoulder, watching you encounter your sex fiend. Play it cool, very formal, very correct. Allow no comfort or casualness into the conversation at all – your father is watching, waiting to pounce.
We all have people at work that we wouldn’t want to spend and extra minute with. Imagine one of these people, and react to the ex-guy the same was as if he were a heel that would have a sex fling with a girl that wanted a relationship. Umm, you know what I mean.
And I second the ‘no gossip’ suggestion. If you hear gossip, or confess your thoughts or memories, you are investing time in the ex-relationship – when the NCR should be giving you space to break free. The more you think on him, on the relationship, the longer it will take to complete moving on.
So, say hello to this big, hulking, angry, imaginary brute standing at your shoulder. “Hi, Dad!” The very least he will do if you slip will be to send you straight to your desk. With no coffee.
And if he should catch a glimpse of your imaginary companion, he may be more likely to stay away.
I think the guy has lost any reasonable expectation that you will treat him with courtesy or politeness – he had a chance, it didn’t work out. The best he should get from now on is cool business etiquette. Don’t smile when he is in sight. Everyone will catch on to what is happening, so you shouldn’t have to explain anything or tell anyone. With his immaturity, he probably still has the child’s genius for figuring out games, so explaining rules to him would be wasted effort.
Luck.
Wow! There are several of us that work with them huh? When I established the NCR with mine I told him that I would be professional at work and that I expected the same from him. I said that anything outside of that would not be tolerated.
One day we happened to end up at the lunch table together and ended up in a conversation together with other co-workers. He thought it meant we were okay again. He had to be told that it was simply a case of me not being rude.
Then again, he does the same thing if we end up at the club at the same time. They’ll find an excuse in everything, so you just have to stick to your guns.
Working him might make it a little more difficult, a little more uncomfortable but not impossible. Luckily, I have gotten to a place of anger with mine so it does nothing more than piss me off when he tries to worm his way back in. I just get in his face and remind him of what he gave up and then I walk away with a smile on my face.