woman wanting to tear her outKim asks: I recently found out that my boyfriend has been screwing some girl from his work for more than a year behind my back. I found out when she turned up at my place telling me that he wants to leave but he doesn’t know how. I was speechless at first and then I found myself literally physically throwing her out of my apartment. I think she was going to fight me, but I slammed the door behind me too quickly for her. Anyway, I confronted him and he actually lied initially (he said she was obsessive with a crush) and then admitted it when I threatened to break everything in his house.

So it’s over now because I can’t live with a cheat. The thing is, I am still mad at this girl and it has been all I can do to stop myself from going to her work and thumping the living daylights out of her. She has taken my man! I’m sure that she pulled some moves on him, strutting around with her perky t*ts and short skirts and whilst I know he’s his own man, men aren’t clever enough to avoid the charms of women like her that want to steal away other women’s men. My mother always told me that a guy is only as faithful as whatever options he has and that they don’t have it in them to resist temptation. I do think about taking him back sometimes (he keeps calling me) but I actually think about her more. I came across your blog when I read about the Other Woman and I know that you have some strong opinions about the sisterhood and confrontation but can you understand why I am so angry at her? How do I deal with this?

NML says: Let me break it to you real gently because I don’t want you thumping me…

YOU were going out with HIM. If you want to be mad at somebody or thump the daylights out of someone, it should be him! Not that I am suggesting that you do this, but my point is that your anger and quest for vengeance is misdirected.

She is what I call a ‘muppet’ because not only was she screwing your man behind your back, but she had the cheek to show up at your home and tell you about his spineless self.

Aside from breaking the sister code about not screwing someone else’s man, what she actually did that annoyed me was that she took it upon herself to tell you so she could back him up into a corner.

This is why I say that The Cheater likes to stay a cheater and it has to be a woman with a pair of brass nuts that will show up at your door to shame him into action.

Now I don’t blame you for throwing her out but you are MISSING THE POINT ENTIRELY!

When you put aside her own assclown behaviour, you’re still left with a cheating assclown.

He is a liar! He didn’t even admit it when he was caught out! It took you threatening to damage his property to get some answers.

He is not a child, even if he may act like one, and what your mother is telling you is complete bollox.

A man that lacks in character and values and has no interest in building an honest, solid relationship with you, will creepy creep behind your back and screw someone else. Not all men are like this and if you continue to think like this, you will always be living with a jackass cheat.

Oh all men cheat so I might as well stick with the best of a bad bunch… Can you hear yourself? Because this is what you are gearing yourself up for – taking him back because the male species has no control over their dumbsticks and it’s the sisterhood and the overwhelming powers of the vagina that make men cheat. I hope you detect my sarcasm…

It infuriates me when women find out that their men have been effing around and then focus on the woman. She doesn’t owe you anything and trust me, if she wants to play second fiddle with someone else’s man, she has her own issues.

But she is not the problem, he is, and women all over the world have to stop treating men like they are idiots that only think with their penises, because whilst a lot of them do think with them, they actually do use their brains too and they willfully make their choices.

They have to be responsible and accountable for their actions because they are grown men and at the end of the day, you were in a relationship with him.

To absolve him of responsibility for his actions because 1) he has a penis and 2) other women are too tempting, is like giving the mofo carte blanche to cheat on you forever more.

Grow up and stop plotting ways to find her so you can thump the crap out of her and stop avoiding the reality of what has happened. Confront your feelings because you seem to have a lot of pent up anger!

Your boyfriend cheated on you. It was a choice he made, nobody forced him to, and if he valued himself, you, and your relationship, he’d have made damn sure that he turned her down. And who’s to say that he didn’t pursue her?

Don’t make him helpless just because you’ve decided to be helpless…

So I tell you how you deal with your urge to thump her and this pent up anger – get angry with him. Acknowledge what he has done, the betrayal, the deceit, the lies, the year of him creeping around with her, and then putting you in the position of having her turn up on your doorstep, and get angry. You need to grow some brass balls of your own and some self-esteem and change your beliefs about men because if you don’t, you’ll be flinching from those knocks at your door forever more…

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