Kim asks: I recently found out that my boyfriend has been screwing some girl from his work for more than a year behind my back. I found out when she turned up at my place telling me that he wants to leave but he doesn’t know how. I was speechless at first and then I found myself literally physically throwing her out of my apartment. I think she was going to fight me, but I slammed the door behind me too quickly for her. Anyway, I confronted him and he actually lied initially (he said she was obsessive with a crush) and then admitted it when I threatened to break everything in his house.
So it’s over now because I can’t live with a cheat. The thing is, I am still mad at this girl and it has been all I can do to stop myself from going to her work and thumping the living daylights out of her. She has taken my man! I’m sure that she pulled some moves on him, strutting around with her perky t*ts and short skirts and whilst I know he’s his own man, men aren’t clever enough to avoid the charms of women like her that want to steal away other women’s men. My mother always told me that a guy is only as faithful as whatever options he has and that they don’t have it in them to resist temptation. I do think about taking him back sometimes (he keeps calling me) but I actually think about her more. I came across your blog when I read about the Other Woman and I know that you have some strong opinions about the sisterhood and confrontation but can you understand why I am so angry at her? How do I deal with this?
NML says: Let me break it to you real gently because I don’t want you thumping me…
YOU were going out with HIM. If you want to be mad at somebody or thump the daylights out of someone, it should be him! Not that I am suggesting that you do this, but my point is that your anger and quest for vengeance is misdirected.
She is what I call a ‘muppet’ because not only was she screwing your man behind your back, but she had the cheek to show up at your home and tell you about his spineless self.
Aside from breaking the sister code about not screwing someone else’s man, what she actually did that annoyed me was that she took it upon herself to tell you so she could back him up into a corner.
This is why I say that The Cheater likes to stay a cheater and it has to be a woman with a pair of brass nuts that will show up at your door to shame him into action.
Now I don’t blame you for throwing her out but you are MISSING THE POINT ENTIRELY!
When you put aside her own assclown behaviour, you’re still left with a cheating assclown.
He is a liar! He didn’t even admit it when he was caught out! It took you threatening to damage his property to get some answers.
He is not a child, even if he may act like one, and what your mother is telling you is complete bollox.
A man that lacks in character and values and has no interest in building an honest, solid relationship with you, will creepy creep behind your back and screw someone else. Not all men are like this and if you continue to think like this, you will always be living with a jackass cheat.
Oh all men cheat so I might as well stick with the best of a bad bunch… Can you hear yourself? Because this is what you are gearing yourself up for – taking him back because the male species has no control over their dumbsticks and it’s the sisterhood and the overwhelming powers of the vagina that make men cheat. I hope you detect my sarcasm…
It infuriates me when women find out that their men have been effing around and then focus on the woman. She doesn’t owe you anything and trust me, if she wants to play second fiddle with someone else’s man, she has her own issues.
But she is not the problem, he is, and women all over the world have to stop treating men like they are idiots that only think with their penises, because whilst a lot of them do think with them, they actually do use their brains too and they willfully make their choices.
They have to be responsible and accountable for their actions because they are grown men and at the end of the day, you were in a relationship with him.
To absolve him of responsibility for his actions because 1) he has a penis and 2) other women are too tempting, is like giving the mofo carte blanche to cheat on you forever more.
Grow up and stop plotting ways to find her so you can thump the crap out of her and stop avoiding the reality of what has happened. Confront your feelings because you seem to have a lot of pent up anger!
Your boyfriend cheated on you. It was a choice he made, nobody forced him to, and if he valued himself, you, and your relationship, he’d have made damn sure that he turned her down. And who’s to say that he didn’t pursue her?
Don’t make him helpless just because you’ve decided to be helpless…
So I tell you how you deal with your urge to thump her and this pent up anger – get angry with him. Acknowledge what he has done, the betrayal, the deceit, the lies, the year of him creeping around with her, and then putting you in the position of having her turn up on your doorstep, and get angry. You need to grow some brass balls of your own and some self-esteem and change your beliefs about men because if you don’t, you’ll be flinching from those knocks at your door forever more…
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I agree with NML…Your boyfriend is the one who was committed to you, not the other girl. Although her behavior is not good, he’s the one who hurt you. You need to deal with your anger and feelings of betrayal so you will be healed and ready when a really great guy comes along. He obviously showed his true colors and it’s not like he strayed once, he did it for a year. The lies and betrayal are very painful and if you can afford to or have health coverage I would recommend speaking to a therapist or counselor to help you through dealing with your hurt and anger. This happened to me with an ex-husband. I wish I would have gone to therapy then. I’m in therapy 20 years later dealing with the aftermath of it all.
Good luck!
Kim,
Break it off with him or even better, cut the contact. Trust me, a cheater will always be a cheater. My ex-husband cheated on me and it got to the point that I could not believe him or trust him anymore and I filed for divorce. His mouth was moving – he was lying.
This girl has nothing to do with the mess he created. I agree, it was stupid to come to your house, but she was trying to “help” him to leave you, because he lied for a year to her that he doesn’t know how to leave you and she believed him!
If it is not this girl, it will be another girl and I promise you, if you stay with him after what he did to you, he knows he can get away with it over and over because you love him so much. Take your pride and ignore this man, I hate to call him a man…
NML is 100% right – the girl obviously has issues, but to say that it’s HER fault that he cheated is ridiculous. I feel sorry for your mom – I wonder if she was hurt by men in her life. Not all men cheat – my dad has been married to my mom for almost 50 years, and I think he’d DIE before he even considered cheating. My brother is not a cheater and has been married to the same girl for 5 years now. I have plenty of platonic male friends who don’t cheat on their girlfriends.
I agree that there are shitty men in the world, lots of them cheaters, but not all are like that. I’m almost positive I’ve never been “officially” cheated on – I say “officially”, because I know that men I’ve been involved with have flirted with other women, but nothing physical ever happened to my knowledge.
I am sorry you are hurt and angry – I was so angry when my first boyfriend broke up with me and got a new girlfriend that I actually contemplated murdering them both!! I talked things out with a therapist, and though I still have issues with emotionally-unavailable men, I am not as angry as I once was. I am sending good thoughts your way girl – this assclown isn’t worth your anger.
NML, you are some kinda genius. Wow. Nailed it once again. Beautiful.
batting 1000 yet again, NML.
Correct in every aspect. Hope your truthful fact-based words inspire her to leave him – no contact. ever. he is an assclown who will continue to abuse her by cheating and lying if she lets him back into her life for any reason.
NML – Let me guess which muppet the gf might be – Miss Piggy! So arrogant she doesn’t notice when she makes major moral and ethical gaffes!
Kim, The thing with anger – is you have to let it go. A warrior can channel that anger, that energy, for a battle, but you don’t have an enemy. Well, maybe, but I will get to that in a moment.
See, the reason you are so intent to commit harm is fear. You are afraid of losing your guy, and losing your relationship with your guy. And you have suspected for a long time that you had already lost your guy.
All the traditional signs are there. He lied to you, by not telling you about this other sex partner (Hello! Safe sex, and uncontrolled STD exposures!), and again when you confronted him. You are ready to break his possessions, then ready to batter the other girl. Sorry – the reason you shove all this aggression at others, is you are afraid to face yourself. As long as you can maintain the vendetta, keep attacking *someone*, you can put off facing yourself, and your fears.
So the first thing to do with the anger is to deal with your own issues. Please consider an experienced friend or counselor, maybe your pastor, to help guide you through to a happier balance. The topic here is anger management. Breaking things and beating on people is not a healthy response, and creates more problems than are ever solved.
Yes, you should expect to feel some anger, you were betrayed – by him. But you were already suspecting it. You already knew he was capable of lying and deceiving you – but you kept him with you. So he betrayed you, deceived you again. So what? You have been living with his other lies, how was he to know that this particular deceit (another sex partner) would be unacceptable?
You would be happier today, if you had left him when his untruths and deceits turned out to be his way of life. Because you would have had time to deal with the emotions, you likely would have been away from that particular loser, and a better man might have noticed you by now.
Staying with a loser delays your healing, and keeps honest men from taking you seriously.
I don’t want to call your mother an enemy, but she gave you the best advice she had from her own experience. She picked a guy with shaky morals and a ‘wandering eye’ to be your father, and she had to be his conscience. Her advice is disrespectful, and applies to your guy because you picked him to be like your father, at least as far as his character goes. You know that kind of character, he meets your understanding of what behavior is expected, and you have been comfortable with that.
But this is just wrong. At least your father (I assume) was bright enough that any outside flings never showed up at your door, at least while you were home. And you can’t accept a guy that has to be watched. A guy that has to be watched doesn’t respect you. If you have to watch him, you can’t trust him. And you can’t respect a guy you can’t trust, and that you have to watch. No respect for him, he doesn’t respect you, and you don’t trust him. That doesn’t leave *any* room for a loving relationship.
Don’t let your anger turn toward the girl (she apparently has more than enough challenges in her life, if she still wants this guy sleeping with a second woman. Is she pregnant, that it now drives her to confront you?), because there is nothing in her behavior that affects you or your relationship. Seriously, what your mother said has a germ of truth, but in the large, is the death of a relationship – follow her advice and you can never trust a man – or find fulfilling love. If this girl is silly enough, or ignorant enough, to confront you like that – there is nothing she will ever learn from anything you do or say. Send her a ‘Get Well’ card with best wishes, or just forget about her. She doesn’t deserve any more heartache than she has already bought for herself.
Use your anger towards this guy to form a wall, an expression of emotion to represent the death of the life you lived before today, as you clear away the dregs of your old relationship, and begin healing and moving on from this guy.
You are not his mommy, you have no right nor obligation to train him, to smarten him up, or to punish him – that all comes out as abuse. Abuse damages you as well as those around you, please avoid that.
But he is a liar, he is exposing you to any number of unsuspected, and unknown, sex partners. He is dangerous to be around, you really need to send him on his way, for your own safety.
Wow and ow I feel for you. NML is right in what she is saying to you. I know from recently how easy it is to focus on the other woman, blame her for ruining my situation showing up with her flowers chinese medicine book and a sympathetic ear but it was still HIM who chose to have no self control and have sex with her and probably the only decent thing he did was tell me where as your guy lied to you straight to your face about his situatin and he had a year to tell you. NML is correct again that girl will have all her own issues which will surface. And even if she is with him can she trust him?? It is best to focus on you and getting yourself right so you be happy in the right relationship for you. It took me a while to take the focus of her too and put it on him and make him accountable for his actions but now I also need too like you focus on me and leave them to work out their own lives.
I agree wholeheartedly with NML and Brad’s advice. Looking within yourself and understanding why you chose this man is a very difficult thing to do. At the end of the day, it was your choice to believe in him and trust a guy that should not and can not be trusted.
Do not believe that all men behave like this. They simply don’t. You do need to pick a guy that has solid morals and wants a healthy relationship. You can’t pick a man that says he wants this but his actions say differently.
I’m living it myself. Wrestling with how to meet, attract and start building a romantic relationship with a good man. The first step in the journey for me was saying goodbye and walking away from the EUMs to whom I used to be attracted.
The second step for me is building my self esteem, self esteem and self confidence.
And the third step is stepping out of my comfort zone with respect to meeting new people, all the while being aware not to slip into my old patterns (of loving EUM and the associated drama).
My point here is that you can love a good man and have him love you back. However, the answer lies within you.
As for the douchebag – run away from him as fast as you can. Do not look back. Cut him out. Tell him you two have spent your time together, the sun has set on your time and for him to please leave you alone so you can get on with your life.
As for the woman – it’s not her fault. She was less than classy by confronting you but – she now has the jerk (or does she really?) and honestly, maybe it was the universe’s way of making you aware of the reality of the situation.
All the luck in the world – you can be strong!
I am always amazed when women blame and get angry with the other woman! Good Lord! Though I definitely agree that Kim may indeed have some anger issues, she needs to redirect her feelings and place the blame where it belongs…right on the assclown’s doorstep! Cheaters by definition have no character, no integrity. While the OW may or may not enticed him is really beside the point. Nobody forced him to stick his penis where he did. Period.
It’s time to walk away, work on her own issues and get healthy!
You are getting such outstanding advice !!!! Brad hit it as square on the head as NML did – and the others were great too 🙂
W
OOPS, GOT CUT OFF.
What a wonderful, USEFUL blog this is. So empowering and accurate because it is so specific at every step of the way, insyead of just generalizing.
I agree with NML as well but I can’t excuse the other woman’s behavior either. Women that date married or committed men don’t get a free pass from me. They know what they’re doing and I can’t believe that she didn’t know he was in a relationship when she hooked up with him. This happened to me and I know for sure that she knew he was in a relationship with me but went after him anyway. I still lay the blame directly on the bf because he’s the one that made the choice to cheat. A woman could lay down in front of a man naked but that doesn’t mean he has to act on it. Just because some men choose to think with their “little head:” doesn’t excuse their choices. So yes the blame should be directed at HIM because he’s the ass that cheated on you and betrayed you for an entire year.but I can wholly understand your anger at this woman. She’s not an innocent victim in this drama.
myalmostlover, you said she won’t get a free pass? So, you are assuming she knew this guy had a girfriend? Why, because you dated a married man and it didn’t go anywhere?
Your statement is not fair at all. Just because YOU knew your dude was married? Why can’t you believe that she didn’t know he was in a relationship, what are you basing this on? Your personal drama?
I would think that her story is true, why else ask NML for help??
The ONLY thing that I will agree with you is, that the blame should be put on HIM, he played with both of them.
Astelle……I think you might have misread what I wrote entirely, I’m not really clear what your point is??
First of all I was not dating a married man. I was discussing my bf who cheated on me with another woman who knew he was in a relationship. So I know the dynamic and how that feels. I am by no means giving cheating men a pass at all. I think the blame should be laid on them entirely.
Also none of us can know for sure that the woman Kim’s bf was cheating on her with knew the full extent of his relationship with Kim but part of Kim’s statement…”I found out when she turned up at my place telling me that he wants to leave but he doesn’t’t know how”…..seems to suggest that the woman Kim’s bf was with certainly did know.
My point was Kim’s bf was definitely to blame, he cheated, he lied to her for a year, he made the choice to betray her. But I also think when woman date committed or married men knowingly they aren’t innocent victims, unless of course the guy doesn’t tell them he has a wife or a gf.. We all have to take responsibility for our actions.
K??
100% agree with NML…
Wherever I read comments, I always think maybe we all dating the same man?
I cant trust men anymore, they all dogs!
Although I’ve never been cheated on, when other people have hurt me in other ways in my life, I’ve always wanted to know that they were sorry for their actions. It excuses nothing, it fixes nothing, but the absence of their regret and apology only adds insult to injury.
That’s why I thought I might post here.
I have been the OW, and there is something I would like to write to the people reading this blog who have been cheated on. I think you are all more than justified in feeling intense anger towards people like me, who were so selfish and inconsiderate in their actions whilst being the OW. Although I don’t disagree with NMJ’s brilliant advice re: holding the man accountable for his actions, I don’t think that ‘myalmostlover’ is being unfair in pointing out that the OW is not an innocent victim in these dramas either.
In my case, I feel so much regret for my actions, and if I ever was to contact this girlfriend that I’ve hurt, it would only be to tell her how sorry I am. But I would never do that- because I doubt he’s told her about me since I cut him off- and I don’t feel it’s my place. I was foolish to believe his lies about loving me- the whole thing was incredibly deluded- but I was not innocent in the situation and to a large extent, invited all the hurt and disappointment that came my way.
I’m sure that most OW out there feel the same way, and if any thoughts of vengeance directed our way are aimed at making us feel sorry, or making us feel the hurt that we caused you- (we certainly deserve to feel both those things)- I can safely say that we do feel very sorry for what we’ve done already.
It doesn’t make anything better at all, but I just thought I might say it.
I can’t agree that Kim should only be mad at him. This woman showed up at her door and told her that her boyfriend wanted to leave but didn’t know how. I don’t blame Kim for being angry with both of them. And I don’t blame her for wanting to thump that woman for disrespecting her home with that nonsense.
One can’t say she didn’t know he had a girlfriend. The girl knew where to find the girlfriend, who didn’t even live with him! Everyone saying that Kim has no right to be angry with this girl is ignoring some salient facts. Are you really suggesting to Kim to only focus on his cheating and not on the other facts that this woman came to her door, not a shared home with him, but to HER door to confront her about some man. No one would welcome this ignorance at their home from some stranger about anything, much less about a boyfriend.
You are very justified in wanting to thump her, in my opinion, Kim. She obviously knew he had a girlfriend and that it was you. She showed up at YOUR HOUSE to confront you for being with him under the delusion that he was trying to leave you. Sure, you are mad at him, that’s why you aren’t taking his calls. But this woman tracked you down when you had nothing to do with their little “relationship”.
But don’t thump her, or destroy his property. They aren’t worth it.
I was just waiting for someone to mention the OW showing up at her doorstep and I’m glad to see that I’m not the only one who noticed that. I can totally understand her anger at the OW. I don’t believe it’s misdirected. The OW definitely did know about her and took it upon herself to be the “messenger”. Sure, her boyfriend cheated, but that doesn’t remove blame from the OW. Don’t you people know that it’s natural to take the side of the person you have feelings for? Why should the OW have no consequences? If she knows about it, she holds some blame as well. Both the guy and the OW do. Also, of course this woman got angry at the OW. She showed up at her DOORSTEP! That would make anyone angry unless they have the miraculous ability to forgive on the spot or they just don’t care either way. Give this woman a break.