I used to be in love with being in love. I’d get high on the possibilities (reality was my comedown) and pursued a happy ending – I wanted the plot that was my life to reach a happy conclusion. I wanted everything I’d been through including unhealthy choices to pay off or even be rewarded with me being loved and validated by my atypical type of partner (typically someone who was unavailable and anything but a ‘partner’).
The idea was that they’d fill up my void and solve my mummy and daddy issues. In all honesty, growth and taking a little time to work out who I was, didn’t factor on my agenda. I assumed that any unproductive habits of thinking and behaviour would melt away with the glow of love or that I’d be able to hold onto the habits because a man would provide a shelter from me having to look too closely at me. I figured that I’d know who I was once I was ‘chosen’.
I wanted to be rescued. I went from being a kid imagining that the king of Zamunda or whoever was going to turn up one day and claim his precious missing daughter, to imagining that someone of the species with a penis variety, would do the equivalent of blazing in on his white horse and whisking me off into the sunset for the happy ending that so many of us have been sold and been reselling to ourselves.
It’s this idea that life and happiness is a destination. Apparently life begins when you’ve coupled up and been ‘chosen’, preferably by somebody who you’ve had to do hard labour for and have had to battle against the odds.
There’s this assumption that people who are perceived to have a ‘happy ending’, don’t have problems or that at the very least, their lives are made easier, so loss such as bereavements, miscarriages, redundancy, and financial woes, plus health issues, conflicts, rejections, disappointments and basically life is made ‘easier’.
I used to think you could hide from yourself once in a relationship – it’s quite the opposite. My own relationship has thrown a spotlight on me and I’ve done a lot of growing up over the years. It hasn’t spared me from parental pain – I’ve been through a lot with both of my parents including having to grieve and come to terms with the fact that whatever I had with him and the extended family is over. That was quite frankly devastating and it happened at a time in my life when I should have been happy – when we were getting married. I’ve grappled with my confidence as well as two major bereavements and it’s only in the past couple of years where I’ve allowed myself to breathe out about the disease I had, even though I’d been in remission for the previous five. My relationship hasn’t freed me of life’s inevitable problems although I am happy and very much here.
It’s important to consider what a happy ending means. Assuming that we’re not referring to the massage related meaning of ‘happy ending’ where the masseuse finishes off with a sexual favour, a happy ending is where the plot concludes in a way that the protagonist successfully concludes their mission, that they triumph over adversity with their problems being resolved, and yeah, often it means getting together with the love interest after dodging various obstacles.
The protagonist wins and often the antagonist meets an ill fate or at the very least, is worse off than the protagonist. If you’ve ever been upset about how a person who treated you in a less than manner seems to have landed on their feet and isn’t meeting a sticky ending, and is in fact proceeding with their typical shady ways, it’s because it feels as if the plot is jacked up. If it’s bewildered you as to why somebody shady seems to have a harem and even sympathy in spite of their actions, that’s because it’s expected that we relate to and sympathise with the protagonist not the antagonist, and this is why you can end up feeling rejected.
In films and books, the plot reaches its conclusion and resolves the issues within around 90-220 minutes or within a few to several hundred pages. Of course life doesn’t work that way. It’s about giving readers and viewers what they want (a satisfying, happy ending) even though it won’t always be plausible (Sex and the City – the ending of the first film…), plus there’s the small matter of it not being real and not knowing what happens after the so-called happy ending.
Many of us still believe in the happily ever after. Plot reaches its conclusion, drama and problems over. Not so.
If you’re in pursuit of the happy ending, it’s time to ask: Do you see this happy ending as the conclusion of a section of your life or as ‘the end’? What happens afterwards (assuming you’re not dead)?
What’s your mission? If it involves being the exception to someone’s rule of shady or atypical behaviour and trying to extract love and validation against the odds as part of a longstanding pattern of thinking and behaviour that’s actually bankrupting your sense of self, be very careful what you wish for and pursue. I hear from too many people who are living the consequences of their happy ending where they’ve effectively been trying to turn pain water into happy wine. They’re pursuing something that others have discovered is a nightmare that they’re now having to escape. They continue with a relationship insanity where they stubbornly pursue a happy ending with an unhealthy situation because they’re insisting that they’re ‘right’ even though this type of person and relationship isn’t making them happy.
There’s nothing wrong with wanting a relationship but you will set yourself up for pain if you determine that you need another person to come along and give you a relationship so that you can feel worthy and whole. It’s not what you want – it’s why you want it.
If you don’t like who you are, once in a relationship, you’ll just not like who you are with somebody else in tow. They’re not going to fix all of your problems and do things that you’d previously wanted to get from a parent. That’s salvation, not love, and being excessively reliant on others leads to anything but happiness.
Even with happy ending plots, the protagonist learns a lot along the way (even if the antagonist doesn’t) so we follow their journey and see how the experiences impact them – we’d struggle to relate and sympathise if they kept doing the same thing on repeat and yet still rocked up to a happy ending.
We don’t conclude a chapter of our life until we’ve learned what we need to learn – the lessons will keep coming up until we do – so trying to skate through without learning from the insights we stand to gain from our experiences, isn’t going to cut it. Ultimately, concluding a particular chapter of your life and starting a fresh one with change so that you can be happier is very possible. You can rescue you any time you feel like it – you don’t have to wait for someone to come along to give you permission to start living.
Your thoughts?
Add to favorites
I’m not happy with he relationship I’m in. My partner has a kid as well as the daughters mother. I’m only 23.. I’m DRAINED, over the emotional roller coaster ride.. Over the doubts in my head of him wanting to be with me or her completely over feeling like I’m the third wheel. Tired of giving tired of crying .. TIRED. Lol leaving all this shit behind me. I need a glass of wine. Nat, I wish you were my therapist. Lol
Isn’t it funny that I am sitting here open-mouthed and trying not to cry after reading this?
It’s been such a long time since I’ve been in a relationship or have been held by anyone with love and I have realised I am still searching for someone to “complete me” (cue throwing up in a bucket).
I felt that meeting the AC was my route to salvation. For the first time, I didn’t feel like I had to achieve something in the precious little time I may have left on this earth. I felt safe in the knowledge that he would “help” me become someone in his eyes and that seems enough (cue more vomit).
But I am now getting stronger and realising how important it is to complete and make myself whole on my own. I am becoming happier, even when I’m hurting and it is no longer a challenge to breathe. It used to hurt so so much just to wake up and not break down, but I am getting over that slowly too. I still think about him every single day, but I no longer desperately want him every time I miss him.
I always wonder how much longer it will be until I meet someone else. I don’t feel like there’s much time left, but I still have some hope. It could be that there is someone waiting out there, or it could be that there is no-one who matches me.
I realise I’ve been holding onto the past and re-reading and analysing everything, but I think I am now ready to let go and move beyond what has been keeping me shackled all this time.
It is important for us to realise that we are enough on our own. I am enough of a woman: intelligent enough, pretty enough, good enough, kind enough to be who I want. I know I am not everyone’s version of “enough”, but maybe I just need to be my own vision of perfection. Who knew I would ever say this?
((hugs))
Oh Natalie, how is it that you get it so right, so often ?
After a betrayal by my husband, I ran out to the AC Prince and asked to be rescued (or rather, distracted for a bit, then rescued). Obligingly, he offered online ‘sex’, a bit of future-faking, a lot of BS and even more EU. Granted, I did deliberately pick an already ‘taken’ Prince in another HEMISPHERE ! Oh, what a tangled web we weave…
Anyway, I’m realising (slowly and painfully) that, ah, neither are Princes and nor is any man going to be. And, yeah, he isn’t going to do any rescuing either. Gonna have to do the work myself.
Hi, Natalie. Nice to have you back from your vacation. 🙂
I call it a “relationship script.” Both parties are writing out the relationship they think they want, and what they want to happen.
In fiction (despite truth often being stranger;-), almost every bad thing or tragic event can be overcome. In fact, fiction relishes obstacles and misunderstandings and miscellaneous conflicts; that’s what makes for a good read. But in real life the fiction mindset makes it possible to overlook unfavorable signs and to warp toxic stuff into just another challenge that a good story can overcome.
I lived this, more or less, for three and a half years in my last relationship. Some people even referred to us as a “storybook romance.” If they only had known how right they were. 🙂
Lol I am sure you can read peoples minds sometimes!
I have been sitting here pondering over the last couple of days why is it that when I finally get the nerve up to stick to my values and boundaries that I am the one that ends up alone and lonely where as he moves in with someone else, true he may not be happy with her and apparently men like him don’t care that they don’t even like the person they are with as long as they are not alone, but still here I am trying to sort my life out and he just carries on like he always has.
Doesn’t seem fair.
I know exactly how you feel but the key word is happy. It’s more likely he is miserable, and that’s his problem. I know it’s hard because I am going through the same thing but just be happy you are rid of him.
Sandy,
I could be wrong but,imo, it’s even worse when you KNOW they have no one else, but they don’t seem to need you either. Perplexing to say the last.
Sandy,
I’m in the same boat. After finally standing up for my values, I ended the 3.5 year relationship, the one she desperately wanted, and 2 months later she moved in with the next guy, told my kids all about him and how great he is, and published abroard on Facebook how happy she is. She didn’t miss a beat. Here i am one year later, much recovered but still single and sometimes lonely. Its not just a guy thing. You’re right that these kind of people don’t care who they are with, as long as they’re not alone (which i knew about her cause she was that way with me). Thank God for Baggage Reclaim cause it’s helped me understand the need for validation that kept me going back to this kind of dynamic.
Deepend,
She sounds awful: so self-centered!
I can’t believe she told your kids!
Hey Allison,
Thanks for your reply. Sorry this is a bit lengthy, but i had to share the rest of the story.
That she told my kids all about new guy was just the beginning with her. I found out months after the fact that on two occasions i let her take my kids out that unbeknownst to me, she actually brought her boyfriend along without asking me if it was ok with me. I lost my shit the day i found out from my kids about it, which just happened to be a day she was coming over to take them out again. When i confronted her (re:tore a strip off her) she had the audacity to telll me “he (her new guy) is my family now. If your kids and i are going to be friends then you’re going to have to accept my family” to which i replied “i don’t have to accept shit. If you want to continue to see my kids you’re going to have to respect my wishes to not bring your new boyfriend around when you’re visiting my kids.” She defiantly said “I’ll respect what the kids want”, which i responded to by saying “you’ll respect what i want or you wont see them again”. Then she muttered a half hearted apology, after which i let her spend an hour with them, but then wondered why i did that when they were all so emotional from the ordeal. I told my kids immediately afterwards that they will not be seeing her anymore, which bummed them out because they were very close, but i explained to them why i was closing the door on her. 3 weeks later she tried to take them out again, but this time my kids didn’t respond to her, so she texted me to ask if the kids were allowed to speak to her anymore. I had been thinking for 3 weeks how i would reply to her when the time came. I had the right words, fittly chosen to not convey the anger i was feeling towards her, but matter of factly told her it was obvious we couldn’t be friends anymore, and that meant it no longer made sense to let the kids see her. She raged and used all sorts of tactics (re: guilt) that she thought would work against me, but she forgot who i am, cause anyone who f*cks with my kids gets a boot in the ass, including their mother, which is another story. Her brave final words were “i will see those kids again even if i have to wait till they’re old enough to make their own decisions, and that’s a promise i will never break! The very same day this all took place she changed her Facebook profile pic to a pic of my kids and posted a big heart broken message about how her life was dimmer because her sunshines were taken away, which my best friend saw and asked me Wtf was going on. Then two days later my exes mother Facebook messaged my 10 year old daughter telling her how my ex felt about not being able to see my daughter anymore, and that when she’s old enough to make her own decisions my ex will be waiting. I was so shocked and appaled at the boundary busting by my exes mother that i actually wrote a statement for court and filed for a restraining order against her and her mother. I kid you not. I never served it because i didn’t want to face my ex, her family, and new boyfriend in court because thats how it would have panned out. In the end i decided it was in my families best interest to not make a court order out of it, and to let it die on its own. I expected my ex to make an attempt to contact my kids at school, or to bump into her and her boyfriend somewhere, but luckily we haven’t had the misfortune. Part of me has wanted to break no contact with her, but i suspect it will only lead to more pain and misery for me cause she is in a relationship and i haven’t had one since her, which has been just over a year now. I honestly don’t believe she’s as happy as she portrays herself to be, but I’m not going to test those waters. Pretty craaaaazy shit eh?
Sticking to our values and boundaries can be a lonely business at first, because people don’t reward us for setting boundaries that inconvenience them.
EmJay- Thank you. You put it quite succinctly. I’m still pondering the “at first” part of your post. On the one hand, I’ve given up on ever being in a serious relationship and I’m just so sad and really, really lonely. But I had enough money to roommate with a friend for November and we share the same value system. She’s lonely too so we’re both lonely but, at least, don’t feel alienated in our loneliness and need for community with shared values and state of life…oh, I don’t know if any of this is making sense… 🙁
Makes sense to me, Rosie! To be perfectly honest, I’m still struggling with the “at first” part as well. I still feel lonely quite often, but then I remind myself that I’m not as lonely as when I was involved with men who only wanted me on a part-time, casual basis. Immediately after I posted on my earlier comment, I realized that I should have said something about creating our own rewards for sticking to our boundaries. Natalie’s book The No Contact Rule has been quite helpful to me in this regard, particularly the chapter titled “Rebuild a Life with Meaning.”
Sandy you are spot on!! Me to sitting and wondering how are my two AC, do they think of me and who with them now?! I am alone, I had couple of dates for the last two months and they didn’t bring me any mental satisfaction, I realized I am not readyto date anyone…but I was thinking as wll how it’s possible for my men move on so quickly and live like I never existed?! Hmmm …why I can’t be like them just jump to the first guy who into me????
Little Star,
I think some people hook up right away because they are willing to eat junk food instead of waiting for that wonderful 3-course meal. Or, in our cases, learn to cook for ourselves!
In the three months I have been gone, my narcissist BF has been with THREE women! He is looking bedraggled and tired. Its a lot of work avoiding your feelings.
nice one 🙂
Haha, thank you LauraG for making me smile, so now when I am sad I will think about junk and 3 course meal;) Wow your ex is busy, but somehow I think he is trying to move on and it does not help jumping from one woman to another…Anyway, we deserve so much better!!! All the best;)
“they are willing to eat junk food instead of waiting for that wonderful 3-course meal.”
So true Laura G. Its also known as immediate gratification, and left unchecked it will wreak havoc on ones life, which is why your ex looks so bedraggled!
Its the start of a long Canadian winter ( sigh)with the limited number of social interaction aside from work and my dislike for the cold , I feel a shift in my temparent like most( Im not usually the best with winter). I have a lot going through my mind ( I recently turned 30, I look around and most of my childhood friends are married and moving on to the next phases of their live(s).
I know its wrong to compare myself but somedays I really cant help it ( I was briefly in a situation with a seperated guy) and I realise that he showed me who he was from the start ( he warned me about not knowing what the future had in store aka red flag instead I made it a mission to try and win him over). We broke up, he came back a wk later asking for a 2nd chance and when I asked the hard questions did a 360 needless to say trying to do the grown up thing but I realised that relationships dont go backwards they are supposed to evolve, I feel betrayed because we opened up to each other and really connected but like Nats last few votes ( Dont expect others to behave like you + even though I thought our similarities would help fuel the relationship it was a temp fix. I have realised this ( Do the work and reap the benefits) so Im getting off the hamster wheel and doing the work.
Is dating right now a great idea, I signed up to Match and I dont really think much could come of this I think the fact Im questioning myself speaks volumes. Tips, advice, Comments anyone ( please be gentle)?
Days after my breakup I hopped on a dating site. Worst. Idea. Ever. I had no business being there. However, the universe smiled and laughed at me all in one fell swoop … my ex came up as a match. I was there seeking validation, and apparently he was too although he dumped me.
I say take time to be with yourself; work on you during this hibernation period. When spring comes you’ll emerge from your cocoon a beautiful butterfly.
NCinCanada – Your post was so, SO similar to mine I had to respond to you – I hope you don’t mind…
It’s the start of the miserable London winter here, and like you, I am struggling with the cold and the dark evenings. I just turned 27 and am also looking around and seeing so many of my good friends in great relationships, excelling at their jobs, putting down deposits on houses etc and its tough. I have a good job, great friends, consider myself attractive and a nice person on top. I didn’t have a major reason to not feel ‘happy with my lot’ as they say in England, but I’m struggling with it, and that ‘rescue’ element Nat talked about here with men really resonated with me.
I was recently involved with an EUM too. I loved the time I spent with him and life felt infinitely more exciting, but the actual crumbs he was feeding me in between those times spent together, combined with my epic building of sandcastles in the sky, was only going to end badly. Like you – I asserted my rights and ‘boundaries’ and called it off with him when I knew he only wanted a casual setup. 2 weeks later, he contacts me asking to talk and, like you, I asked him the hard questions and he bolted. Any ‘female empowerment’ I felt in the days following his houdini act were quickly replaced by feeling seriously low and shit. Memory flashes of good times with him hit me occasionally and it genuinely makes my insides ache at times! I don’t really know what I’m trying to say here, except I totally understand your situation and feelings…
You don’t want this guy to be the reason you don’t go out and date others etc, but at same time, it’s like taking a band-aid mentality to the issue at hand. If nothing changes….nothing changes? I know I have a fair amount to probably work through, relating to self-esteem and regaining a better sense of confidence and contentment with myself. But at the same time, I think it’s human nature to want to share your life with someone and knowing that you have these issues and working on them is a daunting task. Especially when you look like ‘you have your shit together’ so to speak.
All I can say, really, is stay on the site and read articles that reinforce positive messages, feel and accept emotions that arise, and vocalise. Keeping painful emotions bottled up is the worst – and in my opinion, a problem or bad experience shared is a problem or bad experience halved, especially when others have been through the same. Sending you happy and positive vibes ?
Thanks for your response and advice, If I even questioned myself it is a good inclination that a part of me is not sure. I think the validation and the human side of being alone is getting to me. I dont want to drag anyone into this turmoil as well so I need to be mindful. Its really a confusing time for me generally trying to figure out my path in life as a whole.. Hopefully I will be able to work and develop myself in the coming months.
NCincanada,
I think winter is great for hibernating and looking inward. If you attracted a slightly available man I think there must be some inner looking to be done. I am 54 and I am planning to stay NC for about 6 months to a year, getting some therapy, peeling off another layer of emotional unavailability. I found dating too soon made me weepy and needy and distracted. If you wait until Spring and follow the rhythm of the seasons, I bet you will feel joyful and confident instead of vulnerable and confused.
Thats not a bad idea, Im at a point in my life where I need to make a change and trying to camflouage it via a distraction of being with someone else is unfair to myself and an innocent bystander 🙁 I just feel like the only person thats alone in the world right now and the feeling is not a good one :-(!
“I just feel like the only person thats alone in the world right now”
While it might feel like it, you’re definitely not 🙂 (and I’d gladly trade my summer for your winter).
Nat, all your posts are brilliant but this one smashes all records for me. Thank you.
This has crystallised a lot of my thoughts since I’ve been slap-bang in the middle of what Me Three Years Ago would’ve called a ‘happy ending’ (tentatively entering relationship with much-matured-and-more-available father of child). With the usual disclaimer that it’s early days yet and might still go tits up, so far I’ve found out the following:
a) it’s nice and we’re happy (atm – see disclaimer above), but it’s not the Cure For All My Ills that I used to believe it’d be. I still have the odd bad day at work, cash-flow problems, crabby moods when I’m tired, colds in the head and laundry crises. His life isn’t all straightforward and sorted either. Support is nice to have in those events but at the same time we haven’t morphed into Ever-Happy Problem-Frees.
This brings me up against it a bit, because for literally YEARS I got a lot of mileage out of imagining that all my problems stemmed from being a single mother/his behaviour in the waybackwhen/my broken heart etc and they didn’t, that was just me dramatising and avoiding solutions by blaming it on something that I couldn’t control.
b) It doesn’t feel like a culmination of our experiences, a justification of our choices or the end of a film. Actually the stuff that happened before is a bit of an embarrassment for both of us and unpleasant to remember. I’m giving him this chance because he’s been so lovely and supportive and reliable for the last year or so, our Bad Choices from 2010 are NOT the stuff of epic romance, in fact they’re a mega turn-off.
when she found out about it, a female friend said “Oh, but you knew that there was something there and you hung on and you got him!” CRINGE!!! Politeness dictated that I couldn’t wave my arms in the air and shout “Blegh! Ugh! No! It’s not like he was THAT much of a prize!” but I felt a bit ill. And he’s had to deal with phases of guilt (Remorse, Harry, remorse…) so it’s not straightforward for him, either.
c) Turns out I’m paranoid and I fret a lot in relationships. And while I’d like very much to blame that all on him and the Terrible Events Of The Past, he really hasn’t done anything wrong so far so I can’t (I tried once, he called me on it). It’s predates him by a long way anyway – I’ve always been like this in relationships and it’s because I’m not good with the likes of vulnerability, trust and uncertainty. It’s something that I’ve got to deal with by myself. Which, frankly, is an effort.
Besides, it might not work out. One or both of us might realise that we’re not compatible and in that case, as painful as it might be, we’d be better off apart. And whilst I trust him not to dick me about in the event, neither he nor anyone else can give a guarantee that that isn’t going to happen.
To be honest, I feel a bit bad about this whole situation from a BR perspective because I don’t want to sound as though I’m the exception to the rule or as though my advice is “Hey everyone! Hang on in there for long enough and it’ll happen!” (specially not if it does go arse-over-elbow and I look silly).
What it’s really bringing home for me, though – and I suppose that whatever happens it’ll be good to have learnt this lesson – is the difference between the fantasy relationship between imaginary (perfect) me and imaginary-reformed bloke and the actual factual, halfway-healthy real-life relationship between two human beings (who are also parents, a dimension that I’m not even going to attempt to touch on) that we have now. It’s lovely, but also a lot more mundane and a lot more effort. Back in the days when I desperately wanted nothing more than to be with this man, I don’t think I would’ve bothered with the actual reality of it.
Natalie – I’ve become that girl – the doormat. I’ve read both your books and can’t believe how pathetic I am. I’m just wondering how this happens after 25 years of marriage. My husband who was wonderful passed away almost 6 years ago and I just ended my 2nd doormat relationship. I read the no contact rule yesterday and my girlfriend and I were talking today and I realized, that although I have issues from childhood, why is this happening now? Lauren
In many ways I do seek the not necessarily happy but better ending. Because I have had so much crap occur over the past decade (loss of marriage, threats to life, stint of near poverty, stalking, breast cancer and then the AC), I almost feel as though I deserve some happiness. Also yep, seeing my antagonist land on his feet again and again whilst not doing his job, hurting meand others while I sstruggle to self improve constantly, try and be a positive role model, try and help this community, I remain for the most part, alone. I realize that most of this is due to being female, very liberal, mixed race, and older as opposed to being male, white, and apolitical. Other than being an AC, he is not responsible for my beingwrong for this place, wrong age, wrong races, wrong values, just wrong. Again, I do wish for not happy (giving up on that one till retirement) but a tad happier.
Cinder-effin-rella – Pretty Woman, springs to mind!
Yes those blooming happy ever afters really catch us out, gosh it’s annoying to be such a girl sometimes with media as prey on it as they are…
I started hitting this website at what i thought was going to be the end of the love of my life, more like pain of my life for the past 3 now years of the on off, on off, and I’ve been through the is he a narc, is he eum, is he ac, is it me?
So in the end I just gave up trying to figure anything out and thought yep what if all and none of them are right, does it change anything?
Does any of it make me feel any better?
NO…. I feel sad that they really don’t have a heart and it’s predominantly us that walk around giving it a fake gooey centre that just falls apart when reality hits.
I want my happy ever after and can’t help the wishing it did exist, I want my fairy tales back, I wish reality was different.
I won’t settle for a man who can’t make me believe in fairy’s ever again.
I want la la land to last with a guy, although this time he can do the parading around with the soft centre, then if he’s hard enough, I may just say I DO.
I’m not going to be the girl though that runs after the Georgey Porgey anymore… That bugga hurts.
xxx
I’m with you Nom! I do want some happiness! Not the pukey, fake kind, but the real…and I refuse to let my effing Narc AC take away my hope and faith!!!
It’s funny. I used to feel that way about life and love – that the right guy would come along, and I’d happily skip into the sunset. Then years rolled by and it didn’t happen. I got myself some spirituality and realized you have to live each moment – in the moment. Be. Here. Now.
The funny thing is – even though I’ve shed those romantic notions from my head, I seem to attract men who are looking for the happy ending. I mean a movie ending. Like…unrealistic happy ending. The last guy I dated was besotted with the film “Silver Lining Playbook”. He’d seen it about ten times, where I hadn’t seen it at all. So, he brought the disc over one night for movie night. While watching it with him, I got this feeling that he wanted to be Bradley Cooper and live this manic depressive life, and thus be “cured” by an equally unstable, younger, sexy lady who probably looks like Jennifer Lawrence. He kept looking over at me, maybe to see if I shared his love for this film. Me? I just didn’t get the love for it. It was just an okay flick in my mind. There are so many other films that have moved me much more than this one.
“Where’s my Jennifer Lawrence!” he jokingly yelled on Facebook the next day when commenting about watching the film at my place. It was then that I decided I needed to take a step back. “Where’s your Jennifer Lawrence?” WTF?
Living in a motion picture fantasy where the narrative is about mental illness and how that cute, damaged girl can shake up your life and save you – just made me run cold. I mean, the film is great – but I got the strong sense that he was obsessed with this concept. This is the second guy I’ve dated who’s lived in his head like this. I never know until a few months later – after I’ve known them a while – that they want someone to save them like in films.
Why the universe sends me these guys, I’ll never know. I thought I shed that romantic “save me and my life will be perfect” bullshit a long time ago.
This kind of female character you describe is very well documented as the “Manic Pixie Dream Girl.” If you get a sense you’re being cast as the MPDG in the rom-com of some guy’s life, run.
Honestly, I thought that film was a bit boring and predictable. And the guy was kinda creepy. I much prefer Jennifer Lawrence in Winter´s bone, at least there she was a normal girl dealing with brutal, real life and not some sexy bonbon.
I was annoyed at the premise of this woman pursuing someone who was clearly still infatuated with his ex wife. And of course it ends well for her in the film.
Trik,
I’m sorry, to say this, but this is who you’re choosing – the women do the picking. Reflect back on the similarities with these guys, and focus in on the red flags you have ignored. Remember, if there is a pattern, you are the common denominator. This helped me break my attraction to screwed up men.
Allison, you’ve cracked the code …
In my case it was lack of boundaries, ignoring red flags and people pleasing behaviours that had me mixed up in AC/EUM relationships with the inevitable results.
When I look back (trying not to cringe too much) I can see where I ignored red flags that surfaced early on in any relationship I was in, combined with no boundaries worth speaking of and those I did have, I busted them all by myself – que people pleasing!
These days I have a list of my own personal boundaries that are non negotiable and can’t be broken by me or anyone else. I’m no longer ignoring any red flags I see from men (or women) and I’m learning to get off that people pleasing train, not so easy at times especially with family but I’m getting there too.
Getting some solid workable boundaries in place had also helped me get rid of and break my attraction to screwed up men and a couple of female assclowns that have tried to run a number on me in the recent past. (Yeah, we’re not all sisters under the skin!)
So glad I found BR.
I’m now NC with my AC/MU/MM for about 4 weeks. Initially I thought the pain of being suddenly cut out of his life (because I exposed his behaviour and of course he cut me off)would actually kill me. The pain was unbearable. I wanted to plead, beg, change, be whatever he wanted. I almost lost the will to live. Thanks to the knowledge I gained from this site, I kept my pride, sat on my hands, got rid of all reminders from my life, and deleted all his contact details.
I am living proof that you can get over it if you just “go with the flow”, learn the lesson, lose the rage, feel whatever feelings come up … and then finally let go.
Healing does happen if you don’t fight it. I have read every post on Nat’s site and this has helped me through the darkest hours. Each day does bring closure and healing. Don’t look at the end of the relationship as the end of the journey. There is much good that eventually comes to you and incredible strength if you can endure.
As a result of the devastation I have learnt to be more compassionate, forgiving, empathetic and kind to myself and others. The flip side of loving yourself and being kind to you is that once your confidence returns – and yes, it will – you begin to share the love with everyone else; the “pants-on” kind of love.
I have grown heaps over the last month. I always knew the relationship wouldn’t really last, deep down. Through daily meditation (I’m no alternative hippy guru) and reading up on Buddhism, I’ve discovered that craving, lust and attachment always causes pain and suffering ultimately.
Whereas Agape love (love for humanity with no expectation of anything in return) fills you with serenity and true peace. I know I will eventually find and enjoy a healthy relationship because I like who I am and respect myself completely. I have my own back. I’m also expecting I will eventually enjoy some “pants-off” style happiness again but I will never ever hand my sense of self respect over to any man.
Stay strong, the benefits are huge. Love to all those in the middle of the pain; you will be stronger and happier once it passes xx
Hi Catherine,
I just wanted to say a big thank you for writing this warm post, and for your encouraging words. Nat is of course the goddess whose written words hit the nail on the head every time and bring great clarification to situations, but I also love reading comments from readers who have been in situations and overcome them and can share their story, particularl done with help from BR.
I’m 2 weeks NC with my EUM – like you, I brought up his behaviour and my expectations/boundaries and he dropped me like a hot potato.
Having asserted my rights, like we know we should, and from all the reading I do on this site, I knew I did the right thing. Like you, I sat on my hands – didn’t contact him, deleted all details and threw away reminders.He probably had no vague clue how much it pained me.
I thought I would feel liberated and better but it’s been incredibly hard, and I sometimes feel like kicking myself for wallowing in the better memories of him and feeling like he is permanently trapped in my head. You can do all the right things on paper but the emotional baggage that remains is tough.
Just to hear that you are ‘living proof’ you can get over it brings me great comfort. I’m out and about, doing my job, seeing my friends and being ‘normal’, but I’m also experiencing whatever comes up – which at times, is a flashback or reminder of a happy time which physically hurts to remember at points, and then let it go again. I suppose all I can do is be kind to myself, and move on, slowly and bit by bit.
I always like to look back on a situation and know I couldn’t have done more, even if it didn’t go how I initially hoped it would, or it caused me pain. Like you, I am trying to be strong, learn from this situation and realise I should never place all my eggs in one basket on a guy, and actually look at the signs in between and not build sandcastle fantasies.
If anything, from this particular EUM and experience, I hope to be setting myself up for either a great next relationship which I deserve, or just a better, stronger and wiser me.
This was such a beautiful comment, Catherine, and it brought a tear to my eye. I was once willing to twist and change myself all kinds of ways just to please my ex-EUM and have things work out. Despite how miserable I was, he was the one to break up with me and I really hit a low point in my life. As my first relationship, I was left stunned and confused as to what the hell happened, so I found Baggage Reclaim and like you, slowly regained self-respect and began no contact.
I’ve always been a kind and compassionate person and I still am, only instead of trying to please everyone, I don’t take bullshit anymore and I have my own back too. I always try to be happy and positive because I find being angry and hurt too exhausting. It’s funny, deep down, I knew my relationship wouldn’t last as well. Despite the fast forwarding and future faking, I had a gut feeling he would break up with me and sure enough, after managing down my expectations, he did.
I still think about him at times, but I think about meeting someone new more. It’s not to say I’m not happy on my own – I’ve got my own goals to achieve and dreams to chase right now – but I think I have a lot of love to give and as I slowly begin to love myself more everyday, it gives me hope that someone has a lot of love to give to me too. For now, I’ll give that love to myself though. I know it would make me happy, but it most certainly wouldn’t be my happy ending. You create your own happiness and romantic love is just a small part of it.
Excellent post so much truth in it.
“I wanted to be rescued.”
For me this started in childhood. My dad left when I was quite young, I didn’t know it was because he liked to drink and be violent.
It didn’t help that my mum re married a man who sleazed on me and wanted sex with me and she looked the other way when I finally spoke up.
I wanted my dad to rescue me I wasted many years hoping for this it was a long hard drop into reality when I released he wasn’t going to do anything.
So I changed the dream to being rescued by someone who would want to marry me and fix me. But I had no clue what relationships involved nor how to conduct one. What I said I wanted eg someone who loved me etc. was the very thing I would run away from.
I would go a step further than this article and say a relationship with someone rescuing me was something I felt entitled to that the world owed me. After all the crap I had put with in life why shouldn’t I have something good?
It is only looking back and reflecting that I can see what poor relationship material I was. I was immature, silly, and very emotional unavailable myself.
I lacked love for me I can see that being unavailable and uncommitted extended into other areas of my life not just in relationships.
“If you’ve ever been upset about how a person who treated you in a less than manner seems to have landed on their feet..”
The above statement is where I am at the moment. I am upset that once again I have to pull myself up by bootstraps, and the ex AC carries on as though nothing happened it really is as though he has landed on his feet surrounded by his harem. Just days after we ended and not doing myself any favours I looked at Facebook and there he was at his harem lunch them with their arms around him, kissing him on the cheek and his chest all puffed up like a peacocks. All I could think was WOW and what if they knew the story from my side would they be so quick to surround him or be disgusted by his behaviour?
I admit to stubbornly persisting in a situation that was unhealthy unable to see the truth and still having the expectation of a happy ending.
My happy ending would have been with someone who had no understanding about me who didn’t want to know me for the person I am and who would have cheated on me, lied to me.
I sincerely hope my lessons are learned they are lessons I don’t want to repeat though I can see I have more growing up to do should I ever be ready for a mutual relationship.
I don’t think anybody is coming to rescue me any time soon.
Tulipa, I don’t think those women would care about stories like yours and mine; I’ve been in their shoes, thinking that the last women must have been weak and now he’s got me.
I think of those women in the exAC’s harem like the people at work who will sidle up to the boss no matter what an ass he or she is, trying to be the favorite one, the insider, when everyone else is getting shit on from on high.
I once told a story to new acquaintances about being publicly humiliated by a fellow writer, and stupidly thought it would make them see him for what he is and not be stunned by his stardom, but that very night we went to a reading and these acquaintances ditched me to go and talk to him and get invited out for drinks with him.
There will always be this sycophantic sort. When I recognized that I too had a habit of not seeing the faults of people whose power I wanted to share, I saw my vulnerability to men who indeed saw themselves as more powerful than me and saw themselves as doing me a favor.
Wanting rescue is starting from a one-down position, which is no good.
You sound great, by the way, Tulipa. Balanced and thoughtful.
I appreciate your feedback, Magnolia.
It is true his harem wouldn’t change even if I had an opportunity to tell my story, they wouldn’t care. Some of them have had a dose of his medicine and they are still there. Others are there because he provides stuff for them. One person among the harem knows the story from his side goodness knows what he said and she is all ears and sympathy. I know this because he told me before I cut contact.
I guess my job is to work on letting go and leaving him to it.
Thanks for the compliment though with all my stored up anger I feel a bit unbalanced, but working on it.
Fx, I’m glad I have helped you in some way.
guess we can say we are works in progress and they just continue on with no insight or ability to change.
I wish you luck on your continuing journey.
Oh, my goodness, Tulipa. Excepting the sleazy stepdad and the fact that I saw the ex AC’s online wedding album and honeymoon kisses from the woman with whom I was overlapped, rather than harem, only months after NC, I could have written every word.
Thank you for your honesty and ability to articulate some hard truths that I, too, am finally acknowledging.
“I would go a step further than this article and say a relationship with someone rescuing me was something I felt entitled to that the world owed me.”
“It is only looking back and reflecting that I can see what poor relationship material I was. I was immature, silly, and very emotional unavailable myself.”
“If you’ve ever been upset about how a person who treated you in a less than manner seems to have landed on their feet..”
Ugh. This post post hit the nail on the head here! Yes, I broke NC and went all Columbo and discovered he had set up house and soon thereafter married a seemingly lovely woman while pursuing me. Sadly for her, I do believe he has NPD and she is just supply he doesn’t actually value either since he overlapped us for probably a year. I went NC when I found out.
Now, I’m just trying to figure out how to process and relate this to my middle-aged self when I know I had a lot of good men my younger more sought after EU self passed by and not be consumed with doom and gloom… And, in my struggle against last chance saloon thinking, this is so helpful and rings so painfully true:
“My happy ending would have been with someone who had no understanding about me who didn’t want to know me for the person I am and who would have cheated on me, lied to me.”
This post smacked me over the head today. I am currently trying to take a break from a relationship that is still pretty young because I have some things I need to work on emotionally. And the guy I am involved with fits the description of the above to a tee. I have told him he needs to explore why he is so insecure in the relationship but I don’t think he understands. He is a great guy in all other regards. We’ll see where it ends up — right now, I am focusing on my shit so I can heal from a handful of bad things that happened over the past year.
Thanks, as always, Natalie, for your sharp and wise insights.
JustHer- I hope I’m interpreting your post wrong because I’m reading all the throwing up to mean that you’re sort of throwing up your unhealed, ignorant self and I hope you’re not doing that. It’s wonderful that you’re in a place to look back at who you were and how far you’ve come but I hope you always, always show compassion to the woman you once were. She didn’t know what she was doing and was in so much pain. Please don’t vomit her into the trash! Speak kindly to her, look compassionately upon her ignorance because her ignorance caused her so much pain! Love that precious, precious unhealed woman as much as you’re learning to love the healing, experienced woman you are becoming.
Rosie, you’re right, I don’t treat her with kindness, because she was a total fool who let herself be duped by a guy and ignored all the signs that she was getting cheated on!
She didn’t let it stop there though, she let it ruin her life, starting from her friends, job, career, family etc. She doesn’t deserve anything better because I can’t believe how she could have been SO GODDAMN STUPID.
It’s easier to love the woman I am now becoming because I am starting to realise what a naive little ‘girl’ I was acting like and pretending to be.
I just hurt so much, even now and it was all because I brought it upon myself from not seeing what was right in front of me all along!
Rock on JustHer!!! You can do this and an AMEN to you Miss Natalie!!
Thank you Jennifer! <3
There’s a saying, “The more things change, the more they remain the same”. For me it goes like this, “The more I think I’ve grown and changed, the more I find I’m still the same”. I am so pissed with myself.
Tink, you got back out there and tried. I have huge respect for that. And from what I can tell, this guy was a good guy, despite not being able to be in it for the long haul. So, I’d pat yourself on the back and call that progress. It not working out long term does not change that. I think maybe you’re being hard on yourself because you know the ins and outs of EU ness, but knowing it and practising dealing with its subtle forms are two completely different things. It would be far easier for you to just know the BR wisdom, never try to apply it, and then never have to feel what you’re feeling now, with the inevitable bumps in the road and feeling like you’ve not done what you “should” do or are not feeling what you “should” feel. I know a few people who, having been burned, just refuse to get back out there, they’d rather stay where it’s safe and they can always be “right.” But, though I totally understand that, there’s not much growth there after a while. So, fine, be pissed at yourself a lil bit, but also remember that this was a step forwards, not a step back, for sure. X Oh and please give me this advice right back when I’m back out there dating again. 🙂
Nickster.
Thank you so much for your comment. You’ve reminded me that I’m only concentrating on the negative instead of anything positive. I didn’t think much of my not being afraid to try again because I’ve always been very persistent and tenacious. But you’re right because many people go into their own little caves wounded and will not take another chance. I don’t believe anything is bad enough to give up on life. But to avoid beating myself up I need to remember that the changes we make for the better take time, it’s not linear, and we should be more gentle and patient with ourselves – two qualities I don’t possess much of.
This is an amazing post and it rings so true ..
After taking the time to work on myself, I have finally realized that what hooks us to the unavailable men and assclowns is that dream we pursue, of finding someone that will complete us and save us, probably because there is some kind of biological need to search for that fulfilling and loving experience we didnt have as a child. It is all unconscious and that is why it is so painful. every time we are disappointed with the EUM, that deep wound inside reopens again, and I am totally convinced there is some kind of neural and chemical reaction that creates a network of addiction, that is why it is so hard to leave the relationship. And when you finally realize that what you need is to love yourself, you need to grieve all this and you need to acknowledge that all your life you have been engaging in self destructive behaviour … It really is a paradox, we think we are in love when in reality we are harming ourselves. Love has nothing to do with this crazy and hurtful patterns of behaviour. Thank you Nathalie.
Oh my goodness! Yet another engaging and insightful post.
For me, it was not so difficult to accept that there will be no Happy Ending for the ex and I. Rather, what took me a long while to accept is that despite him behaving like an antagonist, I could do nothing to punish him. Mr. Hyde a.k.a. Mr. Liar suffered no consequences for his actions. He did damage & disappeared from my life & then continued to receive attention & adulation from all the people he appears to have charmed & convinced that he is a great guy – except of course the girlfriends & friends he had burned before me.
In other words, I found it difficult to stomach the fact that while I was hurting, he was seemingly enjoying many *happy* days and evenings. To stop twisting the knife, I had to make the firm decision not to look at any of his public social-media accounts. The public persona – false self – he has created should be of no interest to me. If anything, what should matter is that I know what lies behind his meticulously manufactured mask – a competitive, passive aggressive, deceptive coward. Unlike traditional plots that console us with the defeat & punishment of the antagonist, my experience compelled me to learn to deal with the fact that I can neither make him suffer nor prevent him from creating his own Happy Ending.
So instead of treating my interaction with him as the end of my novel, I am learning to see it as a chapter in which I had to undergo change. The antagonist may or may not transform for the better – I have a feeling he has limited motivation to change because (a) there are many ladies that may misguidedly choose to dine off his crumbs, and (b) there are no social consequences for his behavior. It is sad the extent to which emotionally unavailable behavior has been normalized in some circles.
In any case, my chapter with him has been a turning point in my life – and though I cannot foretell the end of my novel as yet, I do feel I can take charge of writing my own script and of giving my character opportunities to grow & succeed. This task seems daunting in many domains – especially as far as love & companionship are concerned.
So instead of condemning myself to more trials & tribulations in the romantic sphere, I am choosing to focus on my strengths and aspirations. I certainly do not aspire to be a doormat or fallback option. One major lesson I learned in the last chapter of my life is this: it is better to be single & satisfied rather than paired & dissatisfied.
Amen!
Nigella,
I can very much relate to what you’ve written. Except I’m probably not at the stage you are at yet, and I hope I will get there some day. I’m still highly traumatized, find myself thinking of him constantly, and neglecting myself in the process. After 2 and a half months of NC, on Sunday evening I opened skype and there he was online! He had cancelled me from his contacts more than two months ago. I froze, my heart almost jumped out of my chest, my hands started shaking. My rational mind was saying, ‘this must be a mistake, he must have re-added me by chance’. I went to bed, but could not sleep all night, and when I got up in the morning and checked, he had cancelled me again, confirming that it had indeed been a mistake. It was like being discarded all over again. Something so silly has thrown me back completely, I thought I had made some progress, but all the pain has come rushing back. I am desperate at this moment. I know I need to rescue myself, nobody else can do it for me.
readyforchange – can you block him from skype? I blocked my ex on facebook because he doesn’t secure his profile so everyone can see what he’s doing. Just wants attention. I know what it feels like to see something like that and your heart drops…I’ve been seeing his type of car around town lately, same color too. If you can block him on skype do it, it will help you in the long run and someday you will log in to skype and forget that did…
Thanks, Stacey. To be honest I don’t think I need to block him. AS I mentioned he had cancelled me ages ago, so it must have been totally by chance that he re-added me. He has not made any attempt at contacting me since he dumped me via text (and neither have I). I need to block him from my heart and mind rather. It gets more difficult every day – not easier – I don’t know why. I think of him, handsome and happy, surrounded with attention (which of course does not help, I know), and I look at myself going downhill. It is maddening
RFC,
Girl, he didn’t re-add you just by chance. It was intentional. I don’t know how skype works, but does he know that you viewed him? If so, it’s a way of finding out if you still care. Once he saw you viewed him that was all he wanted to know so he cancelled you again. You’re being foolish not to block him especially since you seem to still deeply care and want him back. Why put yourself through those games? Protect yourself from him and YOU.
Dear Tinkerbell,
no he did not see me on skype (I was invisible). I am sure it was by chance (he must have been using his phone or something). So it was a one off thing, and I really don’t think it was intentional. I do care, but I know that he will never contact me again. He is very active on the dating site where we met (I’ve removed my own account). He can have anyone he wants. he does not need me. I just need to stop torturing myself, but the process is longer and more difficult than expected
RFC,
I was thinking that perhaps skype works likr the dating sites where if a guy views you, it shows you who. Well that’s good he doesn’t know you saw him. Now it does sound like it was a misdial on his phone or whatever. Right now, honey, I’m in the same place as you trying to get over someone who has become very dear to me. I’ve been posting about it forever but you may not know my story. Anyway, I wish you luck in your recovery – I sound like you’re sick or something. You know what I mean. Actually it is “love-sick”, I guess. I’ll be cheering you on and you do the same for me OK?
Tinkerbell,
I have read your posts (I have been following BR for a few months now), so I have some idea of what you are going through. Thank you for your kind words. Yes, ‘sick’ is the right word for me at the moment. I do feel sick, and despite my rational mind working overtime, I don’t seem to be able to make progress. I keep thinking of him, in a way where he is young, and beautiful, and talented, and popular, etc. (also dangerous) and I – by contrast – appear ordinary and uninspiring. I’m barely functional. And my irratioanl side is still hoping for him to come to rescue me! I still need his validation. I need him to tell me it’s not me. To tell me I’m not insignificant. Even though I know well that I’m the only one who can do something for myself
RFC,
First and foremost, cheers to you for holding NC for 2.5 months. It is not easy when one still has (strong) feelings for the other person. If you focus on yourself, I am certain you will forget the guy who forgot you. However difficult it may be to accept this truth just remember: this person did not fully satisfy you or care for you. He forgot you. Or gave you reasons to forget him. You deserve better. (Please see, I have not as yet followed your story so I am unable to offer a more individualized response.)
I have no romantic feelings for the ex. Yet the fact that I am still thinking about the impact the relationship had on me shows that I have not fully recovered. It has been five months since I got e-dumped by the man I treated nothing less than a prince – without expecting him to save or pamper me. I simply expected consistent care and a transparent companion capable of telling me what he wants, treating me with respect, and sticking to his promises. Clearly, I made the mistake of looking for these reasonable things in the wrong place. Lesson learned.
So apart from the support & input I got from BR, the thing that has helped me disengage emotionally from him is my commitment to improving myself & changing my approach to relationships. Once you figure out a way to stop yourself from longing for him or thinking about him – and instead focus on nurturing yourself – you will automatically & gradually start feeling a lot better.
How to stop thinking about him? This is the question I asked myself. Consciously, I had to train myself not to dwell on the “good times” spent with him. Perhaps you are doing this already?
Plus, I focused on the things he did or did not do that made me feel confused, worried, rejected, ignored, belittled, manipulated, deceived, frustrated, shortchanged, and devalued. This might sound going overboard but it helped me so perhaps it may help you too in moving on: on a page I made a list of his shady behavior and the negative feelings it triggered in me. So whenever I may catch myself romanticizing the relationship, a quick glance at that page brings me back to reality. Perhaps you could try something similar – if you have not already?
Each person is different. In my case, writing is my salvation. No man is needed to save me. Life is too short, RFC. Please do not waste it on others. Invest in yourself.
My best wishes are with you.
Dear Nigella,
I really appreciate your thoughtful reply. A lot of what you have written resonates with me, and I know you are right in saying I need to shift the focus back onto myself. I guess the little incident with skype – and the fact that it is his birthday today – have set me back somewhat. I just hope I’ll be able to find the resources within myself. I have kept my dignity, and even at the worst of times, that knowledge gives me some peace.
RFC,
Once again, cheers to you! So happy to hear that you recognize that you have maintained your dignity.
One my worst qualities is that I find it difficult to celebrate anything unless I see it as a huge achievement. Someone dear to me pointed out that I should also try to celebrate “small” things instead of just overlooking or undermining their worth.
I am sure that if you try, you can (1) count your blessings and (2) pat yourself on the back for doing some things, however small they might seem to you. For example, after the break-up even getting out of bed each morning for work seemed like an arduous task or feat to me. But that small step each day helped me.
Focus on the good things you are doing. Focus on the good things you want to do. Focus on your actions – and move away from negative thoughts. Idealizing him & devaluing yourself is self-destructive. Please try to give it up for your own sake.
I am rooting for you.
‘Idealizing him & devaluing yourself is self-destructive.’ That’s exactly it. I must find a way to turn these thoughts around. I am sure that having the opportunity to get feedback from thoughtful people like you is going to help. Thanks a lot.
RFC,
I am sorry that you are feeling “ordinary & uninspiring” especially in comparison to him. To overcome this negative image of yourself, as a first step perhaps you need to stop idealizing him. Based on the glowing adjectives you use to describe him, it seems that you are placing him on a pedestal. I can relate to what you are saying. Like your ex, Mr. Liar was an overachieving narcissist because of which I certainly could not deny or dismiss his strengths & achievements. But these are beside the point – they do not really matter.
The lesson I learned once and for all was that no man – irrespective of his social standing & success – has the right to judge me or treat me as a doormat or fallback option. It is understandable that you hope to hear him tell you that there is nothing missing in you. But this is giving someone else far too much importance and power – it is easier said than done but your self-worth should never hinge on what someone else thinks of you. This is something I have to keep reminding myself too.
Let me share a story with you. One of my close friends – who is ten years older than me – is a successful attorney, and she never ceases to inspire and impress me with her skills, qualities, and relationships. So recently I asked her: “How do you deal with setbacks & disappointments?” She replied: “First, I never appoint anyone else as my judge. I take constructive criticism & I confront my own mistakes. I do my best not to repeat them. Second, I just do not have the time to wallow in negative feelings. Something else is lined up for me to do. There are things that have to be accomplished – decisions have to be made, actions have to be taken. I have to move on to the next task.”
I cherish this brief conversation so much and I hope that it might offer some insight and inspiration to you too. If you take care of yourself, you will gradually feel less & less dependent on others to make you feel better. It can be done. But it is not easy.
Sorry to be off topic: Nigella, based on your comments, you are going to go a loooong way, you display many gifts and talents, not the least of which is a remarkably clear vision. Keep moving forward and though you’ve no doubt heard this before, here it is again from someone 15 years your senior: You are young, you have the time to heal, grow, come through the tunnel and become the person nature has intended for you…take all the time you need to move through…don’t give up. Conveying my admiration and respect to you Nigella.
Lizzp!
Thanks for your kind note.
In case I have not said this before, I hope you know that your support & input has meant a lot to me.
Thanks to the emphasis you placed on staying in touch with my gut feelings, I am now for the first time in my life able to intuit & speak less fearfully & more freely about my feelings. This transformation is improving my interactions with people, though it may be annoying some dunces that expect me to deny my feelings for their sake. I could care less.
But I do care about communicating my respect & gratitude to you through this comment. If I could, I would not let anything dull your shine.
A small piece of me still believes deep down that Prince Eric will come and rescue me from a life of loneliness under the sea… Is that so bad? Is it bad to crave companionship? Love? The occasional kiss and cuddle? I’ve not experienced any male affection for so long, I’m starting to feel like a piece of rock! Actually, my Lupus doctor was the last man who put his hands on me but that’s another story altogether.
I don’t believe that meeting someone compatible will mark the end of all my problems in life, but it would be the start of an exciting new journey with someone special. A journey that has evaded me my entire adult life.
So whilst I do appreciate it’s better to be single and satisfied Nigella, the problem is, I’m not feeling satisfied on my own. I want to feel more. I want to experience healthy love and relationships. Being alone gets tired very quickly.
Rachel, my opinion here is that we are social creatures, we are designed to seek out others, to seek out connection, physical and otherwise. Sounds to me like you are looking for a relationship to enhance your life. Different than looking for a relationship to SAVE your life.
Rachel,
There is nothing wrong in craving companionship and love. But seeking these things from reluctant or unreliable sources sooner or later entails disrespect, deception, dissatisfaction, and disappointment.
Yes, feeling satisfied as a single person is not easy. But nor is pretending to be satisfied in a relationship – at least not for me. If at this stage of my life I had to choose between being (1) single & dissatisfied or (2) paired & dissatisfied, I would pick the former. By doing so, at least I have the satisfaction of knowing that I am not participating in a sham & allowing someone to use me.
If being in a relationship compromises my integrity and independence, then I prefer to be on my own – even if that means feeling alone. I remember feeling invisible & ignored with the ex during the last two weeks of our dating – that feeling of loneliness hurt a lot more than the loneliness I experienced after the break-up.
Eventually, if I find someone capable of meeting me on equal footing – emotionally, socially, financially – then I might consider dating him. For now I am interested in taking care of myself.
In any case, I truly hope that you meet someone capable of appreciating you for who you are & giving you the support and affection that you crave. It is indeed possible to be paired & satisfied – one should never rule out that possibility.
Nigella
Just a small thing but I wonder why you feel that a man has to be financially equal to be worthy of you?
I wouldn’t want someone who was not responsible financially but having a lower income or less property is a different issue surely? Men don’t tend to emphasise this in looking for a partner.
Of course you’re free to decide what you’re looking for but wouldn’t that rule out a lot of people who might be able to offer you a lot in relationship terms? If you’re financially able and willing to take care of yourself why would it matter?
Excellent question, Mymble.
I can see the way my hastily worded sentence suggests that I expect a man to earn as much as I do – no less and no more. This is not what I meant.
By “equal footing” I meant someone who is financially responsible like me, and who respects – rather than resents or exploits – the fact that I consider it important for me & him to be financially independent. This is not to say that in case of marriage the two of us cannot have a joint account to which both of us contribute a certain amount of our earnings.
I understand that people can go through difficult times and thus require financial support on a temporary basis, but I cannot respect myself if I fail to make a conscious and consistent effort to be self-reliant in terms of my finances. Just as I do not want a man to think that I may use or need him for money, so too I do not want to think that someone might turn to me only for money, sex, and so on. In time of need, I would be happy to help my partner get back on his feet. But I have no interest in buying the love and companionship of a man.
In many posts before this one, I had specified that as long as a man works hard to earn a living, and lives within his means, that is sufficient for me to respect & trust that he is a financially responsible person. I still hold the same belief.
Plus, as I said earlier, I expect him to respect my desire to be financially self-dependent. I am seriously turned-off by men that try to limit the growth and independence of women by persuading the women to become financially dependent and indebted to them. Personally, I cannot see myself paired to a man who sees financial independence of a woman as a threat.
Sorry, I misunderstood you. I agree with what you say.
This is the best you have ever written, Natalie. I think you get to the heart of WHY we are choosing EUMs. I am dating a “normal” guy who said last night “Who will be the first one of us to fart infront of the other?!!” I said it won’t be me, because I am good at holding on to mine! I’m also good at not being myself in relationships and holding on to all my stuff, just in case someone would ever know the real me and then run a mile. If I don’t show the real me and they run, well it doesn’t hurt as much! LOL!
I’m having a totally hard time letting this man in because I am only comfortable when I am trying to get love out of an EUM and holding tight to my dream of him being my knight in shining armour. I am giving this man a chance though and we are talking things through and he is being incredibly patient with me and open. Every day, I come up with a new reason why I can’t be with him, in my head, because he doesn’t match up to my romantic image of who I am “supposed” to be with! Luckily, I catch my breath and keep choosing to be in this with him because I want to experience a true, honest, down to earth relationship..
What you are saying goes hand in hand with what I am learning right now. I did an exercise the other day about letting go of all the dreams about my life that I have ever had. All the ones about the house in the country, the perfect partner who was going to complete me with his large amounts of money and love and handsomeness, me never having to work again because he was going to take care of me…we all know the dream! I wrote it all down and I am still writing and then I get to burn the piece of paper and let go. I am still hanging on, otherwise I would have burned it already!! I keep making excuses, like I lost the matches or I’ll set the whole building on fire, or start a bush fire if I do it outside. The truth is, and I only just got it from writing this, I don’t want to let go of all my shining and wonderful dreams because then I will have to live in the real world, with a real man who farts (Mr EU never farted in front of me for 14 months!!!) Ha ha!! I will have to be me, not the fake me who got to be Mrs Unavailable and Mrs Perfect, because he didn’t know me. This new man wants to know me and is willing to be in real life with me. Big question is: Can I be in Real Life with him???? Well, I am giving it my best shot and pushing through the wall of insecurity and uneasiness that I feel and I am letting him in, very slowly. Thank God, he is a patient and kind man. And, thank God for Natalie’s work because without it, I would not be here, I would be with the next EUM. I got two EUM’s out of my life this year and worked my butt off doing the work and here I am at a much sweeter place…I think it’s called reality! Much love to everyone…
This post is fantastic. Thanks. It touches on all the things I’ve been grappling with over the past 4 years (sad to say) of a relationship with a totally unavailable guy. Your posts Nat have helped me make sense and now have names for all the odd behaviours of this man. He was particularly good at future faking and pushing the reset button whenever he wanted. Basically, he did whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted, without considering anyone. The problem was that he had all the superficial allure of a prince. He was very good looking, a great cook, knock your socks off romantic when he wanted to be, extremely detailed about what he would do in the future for us – details about how his marriage proposal to me would look like (he used to say that it will come any time, in any place but it will be big – sounds like more of a mob hit now!) I kept waiting and waiting, taking the friend card after being a girlfriend when he couldn’t take my complaints anymore and needed his ‘space’, swallowing my dignity and pride when he would quickly reset back and forth between using my friend status for more than friends and just friends whenever he wanted. Then, most recently, promises of babies and a family and a home in the country. Then, in the span of a week after that, saying that he has a new girlfriend who he’d like to see how it goes with and that I can give him ‘advice’ about it as I am such a great friend! That was the final straw when I realized that, along with having what is most likely a personality disorder, this man didn’t love me or even care about me. I don’t speak to him now and never want to again. The allure has finally gone and I recognize that it was all just superficial. There is and never was a prince, just a toad with the coat of a prince. Over 10 years I went from being with an emotionally unavailable man with no slick allure to an emotionally unavailable man with a very slick allure and confused his charms with true love. What this site has taught me is the importance of peace, self-love, and valuing normalcy and consistency not dramatic highs and lows. It is helping me to find a new definition of what a prince is and recognize the red flags of superficial allure. So thankful to find this site!
Sophie,
This man is disgusting – you can give him relationship advice because you’re such a great “friend”? I’m sorry you went through it with such a selfish prick. Good for you for walking away from him.
Your description reminds me of the AC I was involved with. Talking about marriage one day, breaking things off, flittering back and forth between “friends” and “more than friends” as he saw fit, and then wanting to tell me all about some other woman he had been involved with (who was engaged, to boot). I think part of it was that he wanted to brag about how this woman wanted to leave her fiancee for him, but that he wasn’t interested. When I asked him why he was telling me this, he played it all nonchalant and said he was just “telling me about his life”. Oh, then he tried to sleep with me a couple of days later.
What the hell is wrong with these guys?
A,
I know! I’m sorry to hear that you’ve had to go through this too. I’m not sure if you felt this but I felt like my mind was always in a state of shock – never knowing what was going to happen next. It was hard to focus on work, priorities, as nothing was ever consistent. But the highs were so wonderful when he was in a good mood and into our relationship that it kept me around. Completely – what is with these men? He’s in his forties too. I’ve deleted him from my contacts and don’t want to speak to him for a very long time if ever again, which is different than the times he’s gone ‘cold’ on me in the past. What are the strategies that you are using to deal with this feeling of being blindsided? Do you speak to the guy you are involved with still?
Sophie,
Thanks. This all happened a while ago. Your description of what happened and of this guy in particular is so close to what I experienced.
I stuck around for too long waiting to see if things would change, but of course it just got worse as I put up with more and more of his crap. He was just a selfish user. I was already near the end of my rope when he said something terrible to me, at which point I found myself not wanting to take his calls….he threw some tantrums as I was phasing him out and tried to manipulate the situation and turn the tables.
To answer your question, I don’t have any contact with him. It was hard at the time, but I just kept reminding myself that there was nothing else I could do: I had given it time, done everything I could do to try to make things “work”, waited for him to come around….but really, what was I sticking around for at that point? Nothing had changed. What was I getting out of him trying to hang around in my life just so he could use me for an ego boost, call me for a favour, feel like he could have me as an option? Nothing good was going to come from having this person in my life. I was really sad at the idea of walking away but there was nothing else to do: I had to accept the situation for what it was. It took time but I no longer have any regret or wonder if I could have done things differently. The truth is that he’s not a good person and I was lucky to get away from him – I can’t imagine trying to have a relationship with someone who is so fundamentally selfish, dishonest, lacking in empathy….
He tried to contact me a couple of times but didn’t make much of an effort, so that made it easier to stay no contact. I was clear in my resolve that there was no way in hell that I would call him.
A,
Thanks for your sharing your insight into this. You seem so practical in terms of just letting go and based on the logic of not wanting him in your life anymore. While I still have strange days when I miss his good moments and mourn the loss of 4 years of my time and energy, for the most part I’m trying to see this in logical terms. That it simply doesn’t make sense to keep engaging with a person who causes stress and grief and only a few fleeting moments of enjoyment. I wouldn’t stand for this with someone I viewed only as a friend, so I’m now trying to figure out why I would stand for this in a romantic relationship. He abandoned me after making false promises about serious plans for the future, that I even asked him to confirm because I jokingly called him on his lack of ability to stick to anything. He abandoned me when I was recovering from a serious car accident. He was scouting around for other options and he quickly found another sucker. He has proven over and over that he has no sign of being a decent or genuine person. All in all, I don’t respect this man and I’m looking forward to getting to the place where I just look back and have a laugh at his games instead of feeling hurt by them.
It helps to write this all down it and it helps knowing that others like you have shared similar experiences and are making it through. Not that I wish that you or anyone had these experiences in the first place at all! You seem like a very kind and generous person.
Aww, thanks, Sophie. I’m sorry that you went through this – what kind of person abandons someone after she has been in a car accident?
I know what you mean about it helping to know that other people have gone through the same thing. It helps to understand it a bit more and know that this is just how these guys are….and that the pattern of behaviour is predictable. (And I totally hear you about the complete lack of reliability).
It wasn’t that easy for me at all – it took a long time for my emotions to catch up to what I intellectually knew to be true. It was really hard to let go of someone who I had really fallen for (I’d never felt that way before) and who I thought I could spend my life with (even though he had never committed).
A big part of me didn’t want to let go, and if he had been more persistent it would have made things a lot harder. I probably would have talked to him again and dragged things out longer. Luckily he didn’t make much of an effort (probably his ego and an assumption that I would cave and beg for his forgiveness- ha!) and I’d been pushed to the point where I was determined that there was no way I would contact him. I do get some satisfaction from knowing that my walking away must have totally blindsided him–this guy had clearly decided that he could say and do whatever he wanted and that I wasn’t going anywhere. Wrong!
I think it was also difficult because I couldn’t understand it – I could tell that he had fallen for me too and I couldn’t fathom how he could just walk away so easily. I’m learning to stop trying to understand the shady behaviour and just recognize it as a sign that I need to walk away.
It may sound cheesy but when he first broke up with me and I was devastated, one thing that made it a bit easier was to think of just getting through each day – I’d ask myself whether if I just had to deal with the situation, with being without him, for that one day, could I do it (the answer was yes) and that helped a bit.
It sounds like you’re properly angry and recognize this guy for what he is. Having moments where you miss him is still totally normal, just hang in there, keep reading BR and reminding yourself of all the terrible things he did (imagine
being with a selfish, irresponsible person in the long term – it would be brutal).
This is unbelievable. Last night I had a moment, actually these moments are frequent lately. Too much time to catastrophically think, too much time thinking awful thoughts about myself and what I am discovering which I am trying to forgive myself for but it’s difficult. I cried on my bed saying ‘somebody help me, somebody rescue me’ I deserve to be loved, surely I do. Having grown up in an abusive, manipulative home, being laughed at, ridiculed etc. I have found myself at 40 with a string of unavailable abusive relationships behind me. The last, the worst, the details are just too painful to go over. You name it, I had it from this man. The sad thing is I still miss him, crazy huh. I miss the drama, the anxiety, the fact that I could hide myself in him. Boy did I do that. On off on off on off, the only time I felt happy while with him was when he contacted me again and declared his undying love and promises of a future that never materialised only to be on the floor again within days sometimes. This went on for years, I lied to friends about being with him as it got do embarrassing, and so now my head is just wrecked and my friends have just seemed to have disappeared. I’m still waiting for him to contact me, I’m being honest, I am. I want validation. I want to know he has some remorse to relieve my feeling of uselessness. Another excuse to hide behind him and not discover myself. So wrong, so very wrong.
I am discovering that is why I’m in so much pain right now because the pain I’m feeling is actually discovering me. It twists my stomach, it just hurts. Some days I am so strong, I affirm this to myself and some I am just not, I then affirm this too with my destructive thoughts. Believe me, I am trying as hard as I know how. I am exercising, still working, although I feel numb when I do. Like I am a fake. Always smiling and pretending life is oh so marvellous. I won’t let anybody in, I have developed this terrible anxiety around people and I avoid situations thinking I will be laughed at mainly because he looks so innocent and his sob story worked to people I know. Oh it’s her, it’s her issues, she is emotional, she is not good enough, you did nothing wrong, she is lying. Since we split I have had this fake happy face and pretending I’m ok. Not reacting, not responding to any of it.
To me, it seems he did his healing whilst with me, buffer, emotional support etc. the usual ass clown behaviour. All of the traits in fact and has walked away happy and a better person because all the complaining I did about his cheating behaviour he has improved on with the next.
Why do I care? Your post days it all. I am still wanting the fairy tale that if I’m honest with myself just does not exist, not with him. I pray all the time for a normal life, normal thinking, normal relationship, but that will only come from me when I learn to love myself for who I am. At least I know that much. I’m getting there, I’ve been worse, a bad week that’s all. Slowly does it.
You are amazing Natalie.
I can relate to the fantasy of being the “rescuer” and having this movie-like relationship. I think I subconsciously began to sabotage my amazing relationships once the initial magic wore off and they did not need me to rescue anymore. I craved to be in this role and once we were on the same level, they reflected back to me who I really was and I did not like it unconsciously and began rocking the boat so they left eventually leaving me in great pain. I was given several chances by the universe and messed it up pretty much in the same fashion. I can clearly see it now, but when I was in the relationships I behaved like AC in the end. Why? My friends (men and women) who support me say, “oh, don’t worry, she was not for you, you were not compatible, you’ll meet someone else, etc.” Nobody really says: “look, you did this, and that, so you messed it up and now suffer the consequences”. I guess they did things too to contribute to the situation. I still find myself blaming myself over and over. Yes, I was trying to be the Peter Pan in a way to keep them interested, to not let our lives become routine and boring, faring the mundane existence and dodging life responsibilities. This is what you are dealing with, men who don’t want to grow up because growing up is boring romance goes out the window once the movie is over and happy end is reached. What happens after the happy end? Life.
My last girlfriend inspired me to writer her poems, bring flowers every week, do lots of romantic things, theater, music, dancing, surprises. I always did these things with women I loved, however with her I did even more, I was so in love. When I acted normal, i.e. broke the pattern of showing lots of affection, still telling her sweet things but not with the same intensity she would become agitated telling me I did not love her as much anymore. When I failed to bring flowers home within two weeks of my usual pattern, she complained that I don’t bring her flowers anymore. I calmly told her that I enjoy bringing flowers home but if it becomes an obligation it loses its romanticism. I think she could see that and calmed herself. However at other times when I was just being quiet at home she accused me of ignoring her sometimes. I know, there were things in me that agitated her in me. I think I was trying to “ration” the romantic gestures because she complained few times that those are material things and she was missing something else emotional from me. I gave from the heart, but there was something impulsive in me about it, I felt high doing it. I wanted to keep things spontaneous so my flowers would not become just another routine. Ah, I so wanted us to keep our love story alive that I overdid it and missed out on subtle cues she was giving me. After break up she told me that she felt I was On/Off all the time, one day a perfect man and another day distant. I think by showing so much affection one day and another just being normal created instability and seemed like the intense level was what I was supposed to be at because that is how it was at the beginning and made her feel high as well, and at normal level, being tired after work, just reading a book or not saying how beautiful I thought she was made her crave the high times and think I am cooling off. Trust me, this was not blowing hot/cold for me even though it sounds just like it. I loved her and sometimes felt quite euphoric but at normal levels I think I was still loving and we did have a good connection. Yet, she always said things moved too quickly, I did not give her time and space and moved things too fast. I thought I was showing commitment, moving in together was too soon, I can see it now, but I so wanted to be different from all these other men who disappointed her. In the end I disappointed her as well by doing few AC things, withholding some information that I though would damage our relationship instead of being completely honest and none of those big romantic gestures did not matter. This is what I think this post is all about: be normal, do nice things but don’t play a movie because movies don’t last long and it is better to be in reality form day one. Perhaps she would not have liked the reality of me, so we had our intense romance which came crushing down just as she predicted. I was so hurt when she was telling me that relationships that develop too fast end fast, that ours was along the same lines, etc. I wanted to prove that she was wrong and went out of my way doing so. I told her that she was being negative and her fears would manifest themselves because thought is material. In the end they did. But I think she was right. I just did not know.
M- Going only by your post, could it be that you and your ex-gf had a good connection because your relationship dynamic was a ‘match’? What I mean is that you played the “rescuer” and she played the “rescued” in some way, maybe her life was boring and she saw you as her “rescuer” from that. You were both looking for external means of resolving an internal problem each of you had with yourselves.
I don’t know…were you “helping” your other ex-girlfriend at the time your romancing died down? Since your need to play “rescuer” was being fulfilled with helping someone who was not your present gf (at the time), you subconsciously stopped “rescuing” your (then) present gf and she felt the pulling away because your energies were focusing on somebody else who needed “rescuing” even if you weren’t having an affair?
I’m not assuming, just throwing some ideas out there.
M,
I’m sure you made some mistakes, but we all do. We’re human. It sounds like she wasn’t sure what she wanted. On one hand she’s complaining that you’d stopped being hotly romantic and attentive, and then on the other hand she complained that you took things too fast which contributed to the demise of the relationship. Do I have it right? She seems immature because no man or woman is going to feel intensely in love 24/7. Like you said, you could be physically tired, have things on your mind, but that didn’t mean you didn’t love her. She needed to make everything about her? You should suggest BR for her. She could learn a few things about love, that it’s not all “Gimme, gimme>” You have to show loving kindness, care, trust and respect to the other person. You say you did some AC that that you didn’t want her to know about because YOU felt it would hurt her. That was bad. You have to be honest, otherwise I have to agree with her all the romantic gestures don’t add up to a bag of beans.
M. I have realised why your post the other day hit so close to home. My ex was always in touch with his ex while with me. I complained because it hurt. He still did it. Now he had moved on and doesn’t contact me so he has learned his lesson through me. Another rejection.
Dear Lauren,
I too lost my husband 6 years ago and something does happen to us that makes us pick EU’s. Losing your husband is a devastating thing and years ago women would just resign themsevles to being widows. Now, we get out there and we get an opportunity to have another life and another love. All I can say is do the work, read the books, keep yourself glued to these posts and I am sure that you will work through this. I discovered Natalie’s book in January when I was devastated by the end of a sick relationship where I had totally become the doormat. It’s getting better for me. It’s great that you have a girlfriend to read the book with! Hang in there, it’s getting so much better for me and soon for you too, I hope.
I’m sorry Bubble. I now realize it has to do with empathy. My woman actually told me she thought I lacked in empathy and I would get offended and argue about it. The thing is that we look at life through our own eyes, it’s hard to imagine what it feels like for another person. I thought it would not bother me if she was in contact with her EX. In fact, I told her that to relieve any stress I would even like to meet the person so there would be no more mystery and even offered her to meet my EX who I know for so many years.
At that time, I did not realize how much it hurt her, or did not want to see it because I don’t think I can just erase that person from my life.
After her I had a girlfriend who talked to her EXes all the time, we would be walking and her ex-husband called and she would talk to him briefly and then say she could not talk and call back. It did not bother me at all because I could relate so she was completely comfortable and did not have to hide anything. We talked about why it was important to her to keep that tie. I could see why she did it having read BR for a while. He mistreated her with emotional distance and lack of support, especially when she had cancer and yet she viewed this link important. I could relate even though I realized why it was not a healthy link. I realized she was refusing to accept the fact that she chose that unworthy man to be her husband, so keeping touch was her way of protecting herself from that pain. She is a brilliant woman and he was so below her level. We are no longer together but for different reasons, her contact with EXes was actually amusing to me and we had interesting discussions about our motives and I told her about what I have been learning on BR. I think as a very intelligent logical scientist she was better equipped to deal with these things. However, the woman I keep crying about here on BR was different, she told me about her needs but I wanted her to be “adult” and suppress her emotions, which is what makes me the EUM and I am so sorry realizing that I’ve lost her because of what I considered to be “small matters”, which were actually very important.
When I get another chance to be in love with a nice woman, I will try applying everything I’ve learned here. I already did some things in adult fashion. I let go of someone I was seeing after I realized it was not what I wanted and did not want to lead her on. She still wants to talk and stay friends like she is with her EXes.
This is where the trouble is, Bubble. With people like that it is hard to just say “I never want to talk to you because I’ve learned on BR that you have to cut off your EXes to have a new relationship” because they did not do anything to you and are good people, hard to find, difficult to lose as friends when there is no romance, but friendship is. There was never any drama or pain in our short relationship and we separated as good friends. So, if I find love again and this old friend EX-GF calls, what do I do?
1. I think I will tell her and my EX-wife that I am in a committed relationship and would like to limit contact because I want to ensure my partner is comfortable.
2. I will tell my new woman ahead of time that I have friendships with some women from the past, and that I told them about us and said I may be out of touch for some time
3. I will ask my partner if she would be comfortable if we could communicate, and perhaps she would say “yes”
If she says “no”, I don’t know what I will do. I know what I should do, but one person is like a relative, we know each other for so many years. How do you cut your sister off if your wife does not like her? Some tough questions. I still have no answers. Moving to another country is not what I want. Not all men who keep contact with EXes have romantic fantasies about them. Perhaps, that bond that developed over many years is what is most precious. What if you just accept it and stay long enough to displace that bond with your own? Risky, I know. AS we get older we accumulate this “baggage”. Some of it is good. I will definitely take the risk of being with a woman I love even if she still keeps contact with her EXes. I will talk to her, discuss BR articles with her and let her keep her contact as long as she wants because I believe I will become much more important to her in the end and her need for that contact will diminish over time.
M, there is no need to cut off your friends for a new relationship. If there are no emotions then it wouldn’t be necessary to do that. The painful thing is when there are emotions involved. You know “I still miss you” “I still love you” I’m not seeing anybody else” to their ex when they are with you. That hurts because it makes us feel inferior. We are being used whilst they see the door is still open in heir past. If it isn’t they still have you to continue with the fairy tale saga until they “get back in there”. Unfair but it’s how people play sometimes.
It is refreshing to hear what you say. I see you are in pain, that you are working out your own issues as I am too. Its hard I know. It has given me faith that my ex may have some kind of feeling towards how much I have hurt over all of this. But then, that is just my ego.
I am pleased to hear also that you let the other woman go and didn’t mess her around. I guess it would have been easy to lead her on, the keep her as company for your own needs but you haven’t. Another refreshing thing to read. She may feel a little rejected now but the very small scratches that need to heal will do so quickly, not like deep rooted wounds that would have been caused otherwise if you only thought of yourself.
M,
I too, would have no problem if my partner had remained friends with an ex, actually, I would be concerned if they viewed all their exs’ poorly.
Where the problem lies, is if there are any romantic feelings, or deception re. contact with these people. I don’t think you should have deceived your ex, but I also sense much insecurity with her.
I commend you on your openness and self reflection. It is very inspiring, whether you are male, or female.
I need help…I have no idea with what I was dealing with. I am 31 probably EUM and I met a 36 years divorced with 2 kids woman. Since I knew that its hard for me to fall in love I kinda took it as it is and just wanted to see where it will lead me. We had a great connection from the beginning, she was showering me with compliments (addicted to me, she must have my smell on her all the time, didnt let me leave her place after sex – grabbing my arms!). Anyway since I did not have emotions I didnt put any meaning into that even when she told me that she cant stop thinking about me and that emotions are not good for her because it is more stable for her without them…I had all the red flags but I kept seeing her and thought to myself that the girls showing signs of falling in love so maybe I should give it a try and try to release myself. The moment I took my walls of she got freaked out. We used to hang at her place most of the time for sex and some shallow conversations and when I asked her to go out for a movie (a thing that she offered that we should do before) she told me “if you are having problems, getting hurt then we should drop it because this is all I can give” and that came kinda out of the blue (she was a bit off at times when she wasnt next to me but so into me when she was with me). I told her that I dont want to be in a place that people let me go that quickly and left. The problem is that the day after she texted me that she is confused and needs some time and she already misses me (whenever she backed me off she always balanced it with “i miss you”). I told her to take as much as she need. We were speaking 2 days after and she told me that she doesnt know if she is able to be in a relationship and that she couldnt stop thinking about me during the weekend and that she didnt have something like that for 2 years (since she got divorced) and for me it was very sweet to my hears and I was telling myself that I need just some more time. 2 days after while we were laying in bed she was telling me that she doesnt have any good reason not to see me during all the weekend and if that will happen there is no turning back for her and of course she didnt see me…I kinda lost myself inside of that weird things that she did. The bottom line that after we didnt speak for couple of days she told me that she is not in love with me as I am for her and that seeing me more than once in 2 weeks feels like relationship to her. I took a lot of bullshit from her, told her that I dont want a relationship only to know her better and then to see what comes up. I wanted to date her normally after 2 month of meeting each other 3 times a week. It was so strange when she told me on the phone that when she hears me she feels it, and when she is next to me she is weak and this is the reason that she speaks with me on the phone, and I can say for sure that whenever she was next to me she was acting like 16 years old that in love. I left her and went to NC for a month already. Im struggling on moving on and I am feeling depressed. I know that she is bad news possibly crazy but I have so much anger towards her and why she gave me so many signs that she is falling for me and once I took my guards off she escaped. Any ideas of what I was dealing with? Thanks
Outbreak,
Run!!! This woman sounds like a complete screwball!!!!
Yes outbreak, you were dealing with a slightly crazy person and it can be very addictive because sex is so good with them because of all of these emotions. Many people want to feel intense emotions, we are emotional junkies in a way. I can relate as well. Only once I dealt with a woman who was slightly crazy and stirred up lots of bad emotions in herself with me. I did not actually respond and thankfully she was here temporarily and went back to her country. She told me many stories about herself, I could see where it all came from, yet she had violent outbreaks towards me, even after I stopped seeing her. When she was going back, I decided to see her, just to make her feel better, to say good bye, to say something nice. Took her to dinner, we talked, she was insisting on going to bed, I declined, she went furious, etc. There were many texts, she acted like a lunatic, I felt I made a mistake by seeing her again to wave her good bye.
There is nothing to understand. Some people may be just crazy and beyond help, so analyzing them is useless. Would you analyze somebody;s behavior if you met them at insane asylum? Of course not, because YOU KNOW they are crazy. What makes you think somebody is not if they are not behind bars? In this case I agree with Natalie, better not to analyze.
Thanks for the comment M. I agree that analyzing wont lead you anywhere probably, but once you deal with something that leaves you so confused sometimes you are trying to answer the questions that you ask yourself in order to make sure that you werent dreaming and indeed you were dealing with something that is really strange. I can analyze her until tomorrow and I will not know what really happened but still when you are facing bizar situations its hard to control it…thanks for sharing your story!
I think the “Cinderella” vision is something that even now our society promotes and that kind of thinking permeates a lot of different areas, not just romantic relationships. Girls are still encouraged to focus on their personal appearance and sexual attractiveness above all else in order to attract a Prince Charming who will solve all their woes and difficulties. So they unconsciously self sabotage in respect of the financial, career, life skills, all sorts of things. And it doesn’t take a lot to self sabotage because there is still a glass ceiling and pay differentials between the sexes, but we’re not worrying too much about all that, cause P.C. Is going to ride up on his horse and fix all the boring crap for us? Right?
M,
Just some thoughts here, -why are exs, per se so important..?If you are in a new relationship, then over time they are introduced to important significant people in your life , friends,enemies (ha) colleagues, work-mates, the milkman, neighbours, relatives, distant, relatives near, brothers sisters, aunts, etc. If your exs come under these categories (rather than ex-intimate relationships that you are hanging onto for a -just-in-case-ego-rub-shoulder-to cry on-hot-cold-reset-button-you name it) then why not introduce them at the appropriate moment?
A lot of people have exs, that perhaps (because of children) cannot be erased from the picture and are actually part of life and the real world…but that’s a different thing from exs, who need to touch base in a more intimate way.
If I met you and you needed to be able to keep in touch with ex-gfs, I would be wondering why? and if it was ok, then lets meet. Be open. Honest. Transparent.Real.
Who is the real you. Forget what your values are, and therefore you hope/expect your new partner is the same. Natalie says, recently,you are a separate, different person. Perhaps with different values.
M, you cant expect to have a new, full on relationship with someone and then put ex-gfs in a box that can only be touched by you. I wonder if you need to ask why is it so important to keep in touch with exs? Do you keep in touch with ex-work colleagues in the same way? If these exs are your friends, then why call them exs? Why are they not simply your friends, and then it would be ok to introduce them to someone special in your life. Thats if you want them to be part of your life. Your real life. Is that OK for you? Can you really share that? Are you emotionally available from that perspective?
Just some hard questions….shoot them down, if it helps, great.
An author Suzy Orbach talks about the Cha Cha Cha relationship….a kinda push /pull situation that, for me , makes sense on a lot of levels. Natalie says, slow your roll, take a breath and let things unfold.
M, outbreak and outbreak’s recent encounter, perhaps that what should happen here.
The danger is expressing with new partners what is in our head and whats going on with our emotions, as they emerge.. I have over the last year to observe my emotions (and man they are CRAZY) not express them. See what happens, really, in reality. Whats actually happening. Actions, not words.
Actions are good. and Real.And can be so much nicer than words.
I can see that real intimacy happens when words, feelings and actions can be freely expressed. But that’s a very precious thing and when it all comes together is very special, and doesn’t happen in the early days. It something to slowly unfold and enjoy. I’m happy to wait, because my journey of happiness is not a destination. (and Im still learning that one) Patience.
I am taken most by your last paragraph…. I used to be the one looking for a happy ending and someone to re-complete me after divorce. I had a large share of ACs and Mr, Unavailables, learned, set boundaries (with lots of help and guidance from your blog) and have been dating just myself for almost a year now at 37 years old to get to know me – How freeing!!
For me, your last paragraph has nothing to do with a man (never thought I would get to the point to say that!) and more to do coming to terms that I am not truly happy in my 13 year professional career and city I live in for my career, and haven’t been for years….so why do I choose to stay hoping I will meet someone that will convince me I am suddenly happy here?
The chapter I need to end is solely my own…I don’t need to have permission or let others mold my future success if it results in me seeking happy endings in ways they won’t ever be. Truly, how can anyone be ever happy with me if I am not happy in my life?
We own our choices….choose to be happy and happy will find you. Time to start a new book,
Thanks for reminding me of that!
A long post ahead:
Let’s cut ourselves slack and understand we were socialized to want the rescue: the films and songs keep that vision out there, and we’re not that many generations out of a world where (a la Jane Austen), getting properly married was indeed a high-stakes question of keeping oneself out of poverty and in respectable social circles.
Part of what has kept me single is my desire for power balance in relationships – even when I wanted rescue, I still wanted equal power over them, to balance things out, in some form. My early relationships had me seeing any guy who told me that I was attractive as a saviour, a crucial source of emotional support, but I unwittingly was trading my financial savvy for it (these charming talkers often had a hard time keeping their bank accounts full on their own). Then I swung the other way and allowed myself to feel all those desirous, normal romantic feelings and found myself pulled to men who I hoped would relieve me of having to be the higher earning, more professional one; who would show me “real” love by providing for me.
That’s when I experienced the more common power dynamic of the woman who is trading her looks and wifely ego-stroking (ahem, support) for the much greater financial security many men can indeed provide. That did not suit me at all.
I look at my sister, who makes great declarations of happiness, because she has found the dream: handsome, ship-captain husband who pays for everything, her natural cosmetics, the child’s organic baby wash, her flights around the globe, etc. “They” just bought a new house. I guess she is set, because now if they split she can take half, but she needed to give up her (largely unrealized anyway) career plans to be available to him on his schedule. I look at them and I am not jealous of her having him. He’s had a pretty easy time of things: grow up, get a job, get offered more jobs, dating who he wanted (usually blondes, if I’m to go by what he wrote on their wedding website) until he arrived where he is. No life of a woman-of-colour for him. No doubt he would be as bored reading one of my poems as I am by his unreflective, status-quo personality. I personally think my sis has decided to be with someone who has no expectations of her other than she be a devoted wife and good mom: but there are understandings of what that means that are all unstated. She is not to have a job that would require he change his schedule to be with the baby. She is not to have her own career that would require that maybe he go for years without employment (as she has done in order to be with him). She is to reside in his country, not hers.
I’m only jealous of her having won the lottery as far as now having a nice house and nice things without having had to build a career to get it.
I’m rambling.
Where was I? The power thing. As many of you know, the AC who brought me to BR was a banking exec, a guy with money and power, who I seemed to be on the marriage track with. I did not want to admit that unless I made a similar salary, with similar responsibilities to my city and local government, etc, and had a comparable social/professional network, that I did not have the same power as he did and never would. If he could drop $400 on any given weeknight to take a female “friend” out to dinner, I couldn’t go off and pull the equivalent stunt. When he was planning and footing the bill for the weekend, we’d fly to one of the islands and stay in a hotel with a spa and order $100 bottles of wine. When I was taking care of the weekend activities, I could rent us a movie and cook a nice-ish meal at (his) home (he wouldn’t come to my shared, student apartment). I bet he felt he was rescuing me, like one rescues a poor puppy and then trains them to sit and heel. It took me a long time to let go of the hope of ever having a balanced relationship with him, or even with anyone like him. Being a student and having a lot of uncertainty about my job and accommodation future played heavily into the rescuer/rescued dynamic.
I think, unless you have no problem with being a bought and indulged wife-sex-object, you end up doing a lot of “I’m worth it,” “I’m precious,” “I’m sexy,” self-talk to justify a guy basically owning us.
I just got shortlisted for the tenure-track job here in my love-to-hate-it small town. Interviews are in a couple weeks; I should know by Jan whether I have a continuing, tenure-track professor job here. If I get it, I’ll make in the 70K range to start, which means a whole hell of a lot to me.
I’m nervous about the job competition; nothing is set in stone. I’m nervous because getting the job means feeling a whole other level of security in my head and when I date. I want that. I want to feel like I rescued myself. When I go out to date, I don’t have to sit there feeling that small, flattered, princess-like feeling you get when a Big Man drops a lot of cash on little you.
I actually went out on a date this weekend. Brunch. Decent guy, elementary school teacher, asked a bit about me; I was kind of bored. He made no attempt to pay for both of us. Nor did I offer to pay for him.
I’m in a new zone now because all this time I’ve also had the let’s-get-together-and-make-babies scenario in my head; and now I can’t offer that possibility to a new partner, I have to rethink what I do offer and what kind of life I’m trying to create by bringing a guy into my world, if it’s not to co-parent.
All this is not to say I’m not looking for the kind of love that would step in and take care of me if I were suddenly disabled, or sick and couldn’t work. That’s not rescue, that’s support in time of need; ideally after much mutual support in a happy, healthy dynamic.
Anyway – it was refreshing, if a little anti-climactic, to date with an intact sense of myself as a working professional, relatively happy with myself, able to provide for my own material needs. I don’t have to prove anything to anyone. So much of the pressure I’ve felt to be sexy and attractive was to try and get a good guy to commit while I was still able to have kids. Sadly, but at the same time liberatingly, I don’t have to try for that anymore.
It made sense to hope for the happy ending, when what I wanted to end happily was the long, tortuous chapter of wondering if I would ever have my own children. It’s a biological and systemic, social structure that sets us up to be looking for the providing male suitor when we’re young, fertile, unskilled, and inexperienced.
Magnolia-
“I’m nervous about the job competition; nothing is set in stone. I’m nervous because getting the job means feeling a whole other level of security in my head and when I date. I want that. I want to feel like I rescued myself. When I go out to date, I don’t have to sit there feeling that small, flattered, princess-like feeling you get when a Big Man drops a lot of cash on little you.”
Yes and no…I understand the vulnerability factor in what you say and having very little money and few options does put us in a very vulnerable position, even when dating. Yet, I don’t think a secure paycheck necessarily means more sense of security when dating.
For example, when my car broke down for the final time, my friend’s auto mechanic loaned me a car. This isn’t a big deal because he loaned her husband the same car when his car broke down. The mechanic would call me everyday to see how I was, if I liked the car, etc. I didn’t think twice about it because I, a mere stranger, was driving around in one of his cars for free. But then it happened: He asked me out on a date and I stupidly agreed as I know that mixing business with pleasure is a bad idea. Also, my livelihood depended on my having a car so this put me in a terribly vulnerable position with this guy. Yet, he seemed so normal and adult…
Well, after the first date I decided I didn’t want to date him and told him the next day when he called. I was very frightened to tell him because he had promised to pay my rent for me, etc (no strings attached, he claimed, but his making all these grandiose promises after one date was just too ridiculous and is one of the reasons I chose not to date him anymore).
I felt so very vulnerable because I knew that he could, at any time, tell me he wanted the car back and then I’d be screwed. Yet, I stuck to my values by not using him as a “sugar daddy” even though it meant I could lose everything I was working so hard to keep. This took guts and, yes, a sense of security within myself. Please keep in mind that I was (still am) in actual poverty. I was going to a food bank, unsure how my rent was going to be paid as my work hours were shrinking and shrinking…Dating him meant my rent would be paid (I have no doubt that he would have paid it if I was “his woman” and all my car problems would be over). But I chose me because my sense of security came from who I am, what I want and believe in, even though my external reality was/is so unstable.
I don’t know what I’m trying to say here, I’m sorry…I guess maybe I’m saying that it isn’t money or not having money that brings us security when dating but living by our values and drawing from our own inner resources and strengths, especially during times of temptation and external instability.
Congratulations, Magnolia, on being shortlisted! 🙂 🙂 🙂
Keep us updated on your health as well? I don’t reply often to your posts but read them all and care how you’re doing.
Good point, Rosie. If I had known my values, and my ‘hooks,’ at the outset, I might not have been so tempted by my ex’s status.
I meant to say that I was looking for security, financial security, without realizing it, as part of my dream-come-true vision. When I realized that I had put something into my fairy tale that only I could give myself, I was able to at least claim that responsibility and notice when I got excited by someone’s status more than their character.
It was indeed part of the growth of being at BR that I had to take a good look at myself and see that I had overlooked crap behaviour because of dude’s paycheck.
I had never thought I was a golddigger! I’ve always paid my own bills and supported my own artmaking habits! But admitting that I might secretly wish I could be helped me see how much the financial instability in my childhood actually had affected me deeply, and how much I want to rely on myself for that kind of security.
As for worrying if I’m too boring or too fat or too whatever (I’m not, of course), nope, no salary really takes care of those issues!
Hey Yoghurt…nice to hear from you! I was thinking today that relationships ARE complex and that if there is something to build on, REALLY something to build on with a small child involved…IMO it is important to give it a shot. It looks like you are both being self honest and honest with each other and he is really stepping up to the plate in terms of being engaged and real in the relationship. I think having a child focuses the mind of SOME men…I know it did for a member of my family who had an affair – he worked like crazy to change because he couldn’t bear the loss. I am happy for you and hope it works out…but if it doesn’t, you know what to do 🙂
“We don’t conclude a chapter of our life until we’ve learned what we need to learn – the lessons will keep coming up until we do – so trying to skate through without learning from the insights we stand to gain from our experiences, isn’t going to cut it. Ultimately, concluding a particular chapter of your life and starting a fresh one with change so that you can be happier is very possible.”
I don’t think I have taken any shortcuts through this learning phase but it sure has been painful and it has gone on longer than I expected. Really ready for a bit more happiness and can hardly believe it may be possible. I think a lot of a BR person who said that when she finally moved into her own place without the reminder of her ex it was BLISS. I know I will still be living with ME but I think I can deal with her.
I took a big step today – after ex foot dragging in terms of helping to develop a separation agreement – nothing ever happened…and this has been going on for about 5 months, I went to a lawyer today with all sorts of documents and we efficiently drew up the terms of a draft separation agreement. It was good to get some help even though I wanted to avoid the costs. I also saw a financial advisor and have the asset division pretty much figured out. I realized that I have been penny pinching in ways that have hurt me.
Espresso
You go!
I found it very very hard biting the bullet, and dealing with the legal and financial issues, but it’s like going to the dentist, you cannot begin to feel better until you do.
In the end I gave my husband more than I felt was fair but it would otherwise have been stalemate or a lengthy battle in court with huge costs and an uncertain outcome. I have to say my self esteem is very high at the moment, I have done the hardest thing I have ever done, and I have rescued myself. It feels good! 🙂
Espresso, thank goodness! So glad you are taking concrete steps to get away from this man who is draining your energy day after day. I think all of us on BR are waiting for the moment when you write that you are done with him! Keep the picture in your mind of being in your own place and being free! You will LOVE it,believe me. I had a tiny apartment with just me and my dog after my separation, and it was one of the happiest times of my life.
Hi Natalie! It’s been a while. Grad school has been kicking my butt, but so gald to have read this at this moment in my life.
I am applying this not only to romantic relationships, but to friendships as well. I have realized I have outgrown some of my friends and they have done the same. Our paths are not in alignment and it sucks because I’m constantly blaming myself for letting the friendship fall out. When in reality, it takes two to tango in any relationship.
Many times I don’t see myself as the perfect friend, girlfriend, daughter, sister, whatnot! But at the end of the day I look at all I have accomplished professionally and personally and I have to pat myself on the back for it.
I may not be perfect for other people, but as long as I am perfect for myself then that is good enough for me. It’s time to stop putting myself down for the sake of making others feel good. I am good enough for me and that’s what matters. 🙂
Magnolia and Espresso,
Both you are sounding much more realistic and balanced mentally and emotionally. Magnolia, imo, even though you have desperately wanted to have a child, the acceptance that your life has to go on probably without satisfying that desire, refocusing your energies on your profession and personal contentment with dating, is really freeing you up to be who you are in the most natural way. You’re not trying to force anything, but let your life progress naturally. With all of your BR knowledge you can safely “let go” because you’ve no doubt developed a strong meter that will register when you’re headed in the wrong direction.
Espresso, I’m blown away by the growth you have experienced in fully accepting you husband’s limitations which have been numerous, and separating yourself from him and his crap which has been exceedingly damaging to your esteem and mental health. You are taking concrete steps to finalize the end of a very unhealthy union which is now, and will prove moreso in the future to be the best action for YOU.
I am very happy to see both of you starting to make serious attempts with action instead of words to realize your dreams.
I, too will be going through positive, healthier changes, which I will post at a later time as it is too soon to say anything, now. But, he and I have resumed full on communication as of yesterday morning at his initiation. I am no longer feeling sad, but I’m keeping myself from getting overly excited and amorous, as that has been a pitfall for me. I am the one who is slowing things down and having a much more “wait and see” attitude instead of trying to force his feelings and reactions to me. In the meantime, my goal is to continue living my own life so that whatever he does or doesn’t do will not seriously impact my happiness.
After living through 6 weeks of alternating feelings of complete indifference to “oh my gosh I miss talking and laughing with him”, I met the AC for lunch. I am surprised to report that the strong, passionate romantic feelings I had for him were gone. He started disrespecting me immediately by making references to sex (I did not play along) and all I could think about was how he really truly didn’t care and that I didn’t deserve to even have a friend like this. I had told him 6 weeks ago point blank that he did not treat me with love, care and respect and of course I thought it would sink in. I hurried lunch along and said goodbye without even a handshake. He said “We need to do this again” and I changed the subject. I am completely over him, disgusted by him, so not turned on by him. At least I am today.
DeepBreath,
I hope you won’t “slip” again. Would I be right to assume he asked you to lunch? He showed you who he was six weeks ago, at least. I can understand if you went to lunch with him because you wanted to verify that the separation had changed you and at the same time had NOT changed him. So you know now you made the right decision in the first place and this lunch has given you the verification that he’s the same and you need not waste your time since you’re apparently no longer feeling the same about him. Yet, you end your post with a bit of doubt? Respect yourself and your decision. You don’t need any more lunches to be convinced of who he is, an AC as you have already said.
I have a little different take on the rescue thing. I believe from many things my ex said that he wanted somebody to rescue HIM. He dumped me for a woman who was able to give him a new life after his divorce. After I agonized about “what’s wrong with me?” for a long time, a friend bluntly said “she just came with more perks.” And I think that’s the truth. He and I lived in a very small town and he couldn’t wait to get out after his divorce from his wife of 30 years. The new woman lived an hour away in a much larger town, had a beautiful house to share which she turned part of into a photographer’s studio for him, she had an extra car to give him, as well as whole network of friends and contacts and things to do. I was new in town and sharing an apartment with a roommate. I had nothing to offer beyond myself, which I know is considerable and I really don’t have self-esteem problems – still, it’s been painful to realize that clearly I didn’t have enough to offer and in the end was out-competed by a “newer model with more features.”
I checked his FB the other day (bad idea, yes I know) and he had updated his information with “have started a new chapter in my life with new friends, new experiences and the most wonderful,loving partner possible.” I’m sure that’s true. And who can blame him? If a man can choose between two really loving and special women, which I believe we both are, but one brings a lot more to the table… well,she was able to give him a new life. I could not. I think it’s as simple as that.
Mags and Claire
Years ago, when I lived in a different Western town with a very high cost of living, I tried on line for the first time. This was pre-recession and housing costs were phenomenal. Nearly all the men that wanted to meet dumped me as soon as they found out I was renting a two room cabin sans plumbing. They were looking for a meal ticket and secure housing. Some other woman had better perks. My far better off colleagues would treat me like a poor relative because I didn’t own the big house in the foothills. The fact that I was better educated, a lot more well read, often better dressed and did a lot of volunteer work in the groups we belonged to counted for nothing. Now it is me that has a big house on the hill and out earns the average townsmen by a factor of four. Deadbeats flock to me at every local event I go to. These are not merely underemployed so much as long term unemployable folks who do not put in any effort to maintain themselves, their property, will drink $50 worth of booze at the local bars, often nightly and think someone like me should fund expensive ski resort passes and equipment for them so they can be full time ski bums. I have no problem with someone who is poor so long as they are doing their fair share, if you can’t buy the groceries, at least you can cook, clean, repair, etc. When I was in grad school, my ex, a retired Dean, out earned me but I am the one that put garden produce on the table, firewood in the stove, maple syrup in the cupboard, and our farm was always spic and span. No ski vacations, no cable TV, no pop culture nonsense. We actually read books, talked to each other, shared opinions, ideas. Again, this is why the AC looked so damned good, an intellectual and financial equal whom I could also share ideas with and was actually attracted too AND who hates the stupid ski resorts as much as I. Too bad the rest of his behavior sucked. Mags, I really hope you get this job. Even if you do not stay there, it opens up many more options for you and you will have much more job security which you are going to need given your health issues. Whoops, I forgot, you live in a civilized nation that actually has health care for its citizens.
noquay <3 !
Claire,
I admire you’re mature, philosophical take on very emotionally difficult outcome. After reading your post I can’t help but believe you will be rewarded. Your day will come. You sound like a good person, self confident, not prone to bitterness. Best of luck to you.
Tinkerbell,
I appreciate your kind words and am surprised myself that I’m not bitter. Grateful too. I’ve worked hard not to beat myself up about this.
Tinkerbell,
Thank you for your note, and for gracefully talking some sense into me. I do have enough respect for myself not to fall down that rabbit hole again and feel horrible after each time I am with him. The AC just texted me, asking if we could do a couples massage at a spa soon. Really? I had to laugh at how clueless and pathetic he is. Oh, and he suggested it would be my treat. Is there a step beyond AC? Because I think he just took it. He’s smacking that reset button hard but it’s just not working.
This post really hit home for me. I’ve been patiently waiting to be rescued for over a year in my current relationship and just recently realized how ridiculous my thinking has been.
I’m now working on just being happy being myself, alone or with a partner, through mindfulness and meditation. And of course, reading this amazing blog. 🙂